Lori Alexander 30: Bad Speller, Worse Teacher, the Worst Mentor

[Red Jumper]

21 minutes ago, SweetLaurel said:

where she 'asked Ken to teach her to respect him and submit to his leadership'   Doesn't that just really lead itself to some good spanking porn? 

Yes, it surely does.

But if she didn't mean that, why would anyone ask their loved to "teach me to respect you". This makes no sense. Either you respect someone or you don't. The only thing that can be unclear is how to show your respect.

[usmcmom]

If someone has to teach others how to respect them, they are not worthy of respect. Respect comes naturally when others admire your words and actions.

i know we can teach the "actions" of respect, such as telling children not to interrupt us, saying please and thank you. But the true feelings of respect, in my opinion, grow naturally. If you have to make a list of do's and don'ts for your spouse, it might be time to examine your own behavior and make changes so that you earn that respect. 

Ther have been implications that Ken had some pretty serious "sins" during Lori's rebellious phase. She has mentioned that God worked mightily on his heart when she started to submit. He has said he had his own issue for which he needed Lori to hold him accountable. I am sure Lori was quite the shrew, but I have always believed we are not getting the whole story about why their marriage was such a failure. Ken is not about to admit his own weaknesses and Lori is willing to be the scapegoat to keep his checkbook. 

On that note, I do give props to Lori for being open about her own mistakes in their marriage. Ther is no way, though, that I believe Ken did not contribute to things falling apart. He just won't be honest about it. 

[louisa05]

Yes, it surely does.
But if she didn't mean that, why would anyone ask their loved to "teach me to respect you". This makes no sense. Either you respect someone or you don't. The only thing that can be unclear is how to show your respect.

I'm sure it is partly related to the evangelical notion that men need respect only and women need love only. But that doesn't mean it is not off.

That post almost makes me feel bad for Lori. The answer to her feeling unloved in her marriage was not for Ken to change his behavior but for her to accept that and bury her feelings forever. Plus she alludes to therapists pinpointing something in her past leaving her insecure that was apparently never addressed as she and Ken concluded that the answer to the problems was for her to just give in to his every desire and whim. It's really quite horrifying.

Of course, whenever I'm tempted to feel sorry for her, I remember that the other part of her solution is to scream at the world that her dysfunctional life is the good and godly pattern for all of us to follow and I stop feeling bad for her.

[AlwaysDiscerning]

Another thought on her saying life is easier with men. Well, yeah...when they keep you iced in a million dollar home. But a woman whose husband won't provide or at least not enough to make ends meet?

[usmcmom]

Lori keeps tossing around the statistics of divorce - that 70% are initiated by women. I have had three counseling professionals tell me that women seek the divorce more often because men are more likely to be content in a bad marriage. Many men, they believe, would rather let a marriage die and live as though it is normal than take the steps of healing it or ending it. 

Like in Ken and Lori's marriage, the men aren't always willing to do anything to improve.  The woman tries and tries and tries until she realizes she'd be better off leaving. 

[Red Jumper]

10 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

it is partly related to the evangelical notion that men need respect only and women need love only

I still don't get it, sorry. Is it poor wording and she meant "actions of respect" (using @usmcmom words, thanks)? Perhaps it's clearer if I swap words: "Teach me to love you" either means teach me how to show my love (both sincerly and bees+flowers), or it means, you can persuade someone to love someone.

I agree, one could feel bad for her. If we knew that she would act the same way without him earning a lot, it wouldn't look like a trade of misery+sex for money. But there is no excuse for trying to make others as miserable as possible.

[AlwaysDiscerning]

@usmcmomRight, men more likely are in denial and dreading bringing up emotions etc. I know one couple where the husband rather divorced than deal with those icky scary things called feelings at marriage counseling. Despite all this hype about men being the natural leaders, so many seem afraid to initiate things like divorce.  Plus, men can bury themselves in their careers and hobbies to forget about crappy marriage and a lot of women can't to that because they are tied to kids and the house. SAHMs have tons of free time to overthink everything.

These women though act like men are better because they are more likely to be content in a bad marriage. Its a virtue to be able to suck it up and suffer. 

[usmcmom]

I was very young when my parents divorced - not quite ten - so I had no idea of the reasons for it. A few years ago, my aunt (my dad's sister) told me Dad knew the marriage was crumbling but he would have been content to sleep in the basement for the rest of his life than acknowledge it and fix it OR initiate the divorce. My mother was not blameless in the whole thing, but it was interesting to hear this from one of my dad's closest family members. 

[AlwaysDiscerning]

Another reason men just deal with it is divorce isn't free or even cheap. Men who value money more over marital happiness are probably more likely to stay.  Its also just a hassle with paper work, possibly selling a house, moving. All stuff a lot of people dread.

Also men get more of a free societal pass to cheat. By that I mean its more expected and accepted, so yeah why go through the divorce when you can just muddle through the marriage and find a nice mistress on the side for fun. Why would a man initiate a divorce when he learns he can cheat and there are great mentors out there like Lori teaching his wife to accept the cheating and stay with him no matter what? There really is no reason for men to divorce. By staying married they get to have a career, a family, and a mistress on the side. 

[TeddyBonkers]

I'm not a counselor, nor do I play one on the internet, but what the duck do these people have against communication? For example:

Lori, feeling unloved by Ken who has skipped out to go to another sacred basketball game, says "Honey, it would really mean a lot to me if you could cut back on your basketball. I know it is important to you, but here's why I would like you at home with me." ( At this point, dear reader, assume that Lori actually parents her children instead of passing them off to the nanny. Or assume that like a normal wife, she loves her husband and wants to spend time with him.)

Ken says, "Wow! I never realized that it was that important to you that we spent time together! Thanks for letting me know, honey. You know, I really feel appreciated when you cook more substantial meals. Not that your salads aren't fabulous, bUT I worry that maybe the kids need more protein."

[louisa05]

I still don't get it, sorry.

I didn't say that makes it normal or makes it make sense. I just know that the women need love/men need respect thing is huge to the degree of obsession in evangelical culture. I've known couples that believe a wife should never say "I love you " to a husband because it means nothing to men and she should only say "I respect you". A couple preached that to teens in Christian school chapel once.

[Koala]

It's nice to know that Lori took everything she learned about Doug Wilson, swept it completely under the rug, and used today's post to further promote him.

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 Douglas Wilson has written an absolutely brilliant piece about this titled Miserable Wives.

She quotes:

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...tell him that you have resolved before God to obey him in everything. Ask him to help you to do that. I am quite aware that giving this kind of counsel is probably illegal in all fifty states, so I would be obliged if you didn’t post this on the Internet. I have enough troubles.”

Just what is he advising that is "illegal in all fifty states"??  One can only assume that asking him to "help you", implies that he is to exert some sort of physical force to see that you comply with his will.  What else would be illegal?  

Lori and Ken have both flirted with the topic of wife discipline for several years.  Many times Ken (who people often forget is 100% culpable in all of this mess) has suggested using a "physical approach".  

Ken Alexander:

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I believe that many wives and husbands would respond well to a physical approach to dealing with such trying or out of control times. Allowing a husband leeway to decide how to deal with his wife is part of submission and vulnerability.

Ken Alexander:

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I once suggested that a husband should perhaps walk up to his difficult wife and grab her wrists while looking in her eyes and tell her "stop it. I am no longer putting up with your bad behavior," then walk away.

Ken Alexander:

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What if you quietly walked over to your wife who is seemingly out of control and you placed your hands on her arms and pinned her to the wall, or you gave her a bear hug for a moment where she could not move, and then you kissed her a few times then whispered in her ear, I love you, but this is totally unacceptable behavior. Please stop.

Lori Alexander to Sunshine Mary:

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My husband and I got a good laugh over it. He told me he would have given me 2 choices, a good spanking or no dishwasher. I told him I would take the spanking any day!

Finally, Lori wrote the following 2015 blog posts titled, "When Words Won't Resolve Arguments":

http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2015/07/when-words-wont-resolve-arguments.html#idc-container

So again I ask, what is Doug Wilson talking about (and Lori Alexander endorsing), that's illegal in all 50 states?

 

[Koala]

I am going to add this comment that "Lori" left on one of Shelia Gregoire's posts.  I will say upfront, that I believe Ken actually wrote some of the comments under her name.  They have his "voice" and more closely resemble essays, than comments.  I am not sure which one of them wrote the comment I am about to quote...I am leaning towards Ken...

"Lori" Alexander:

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The Bible cannot be any more clear on this. What you’re saying is that far too many Christian couples are not married to loving husbands to whom they can submit so they need fleshly tools of communication, conflict resolution, and accountability.

Shelia replies:

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Lori, are you truly saying that communication and conflict resolution and accountability are fleshly tools–and not biblical?

Lori doesn't reply to Shelia's question.

So to recap: Lori endorses Doug Wilson's counsel to interact with your wife in a way that is illegal in all fifty states.  

Communication, conflict resolution, and accountability, however, are "fleshly tools" that should be reserved for those in non-Christian marriages.

Link to the above mentioned post:

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/08/mark-driscoll-mess-tells-us-marriage/

 

[SuperNova]

1 hour ago, TeddyBonkers said:

Lori, feeling unloved by Ken who has skipped out to go to another sacred basketball game, says "Honey, it would really mean a lot to me if you could cut back on your basketball. I know it is important to you, but here's why I would like you at home with me." ( At this point, dear reader, assume that Lori actually parents her children instead of passing them off to the nanny. Or assume that like a normal wife, she loves her husband and wants to spend time with him.)

*gasp!* Are you talking about actual communication? How dare you?! Jk

[Fascinated]

@Koala, I wish I could send my new fuck you emoji to Lori. Thanks for all your posts, ever, in this thread. You are awesome. 

[TeddyBonkers]

Okay @Koala, I went to the LHV link that you quoted and I will eat my hat if that wasn't Ken writing as Lori. Not only was it overly verbose, but the "can we not", "thousands of couples I know", and "erroneous apostrophes are a dead giveaway.

[Loveday]

Any time the comment has a 'can we not' in it is a sure sign it's Ken's work, not Lori's. I don't know where he got it, but I think he thinks it makes him sound all magnanimous and reasonable and "surely you and I can come to an agreement on this little matter." It doesn't. It makes him sound like a pompous ass.  

[usmcmom]

Count me among those who think Ken has commented under Lori's name quite a bit; especially on Sheila's blog. This likely happens when both Ken and Lori realize that The Godly Mentor has no weapons in her intellectual arsenal sufficient to argue with...well...anybody. Ken doesn't either; but he does have a talent for firing a whole bunch of words at readers, hoping to confuse them with quantity when he has no quality. 

To use one of Ken's favorite words - he can SPEW nonsense with the best of them. 

[EowynW]

1 hour ago, Loveday said:

Any time the comment has a 'can we not' in it is a sure sign it's Ken's work, not Lori's. I don't know where he got it, but I think he thinks it makes him sound all magnanimous and reasonable and "surely you and I can come to an agreement on this little matter." It doesn't. It makes him sound like a pompous ass.  

My fundie pastor bil does this same thing. I hate it.  

[Florita]

Ken's motto:

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

It should be cross-stitched, framed and hanging above his desk.

[AlwaysDiscerning]

@Koala

Any chance that illegal comment from Doug is a poor attempt at humor? Like sarcastically saying obeying is just soooo frowned upon that its like its illegal in all 50 states. 

I was searching the comments on his article thinking someone would bring that up, but nothing. BUT then again he probably deletes comments at the same speed Lori does. 

[TeddyBonkers]

7 minutes ago, Florita said:

Ken's motto:

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

It should be cross-stitched, framed and hanging above his desk.

For the faint hearted in his office, I present this coffee mug for @Ken:

Spoiler

 

[usmcmom]

Can you imagine getting up from your desk to grab a cup of coffee and hear Ken's voice behind you saying "Hey, can we not talk about something real quick?"

I mean, the panic that must set in when you know he's coming your way. You look at your watch to see how much time you have to listen to him ramble on and on and on. If you're a woman, you grab a file to hold in front of your chest because we all know Ken does not bounce his eyes. He comes closer...closer....he's right beside you! HE BEGINS TALKING!! You pray for a way out. There is no escape. You decide it is time to die. 

"DEAR GOD. TAKE ME HOME NOW!! SAVE ME FROM HIS INCESSANT DRONING!! TAKE ME HOME OR SHUT HIS MOUTH AS YOU DID THE LIONS' FOR DANIEL!  SWEET MERCY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"  

[Imrlgoddess]

Reading through the LHV comments, I don't understand Lori/Ken's fascination with holding the home to a company management model.  It certainly backs up the notion of marriage being strictly an arrangement and not a willful, loving union. One of the last lines in their little diatribe is:

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 All because she is afraid that is she throws herself fully into submission he may take advantage or she may not get her way.

Why does it always boil down to a woman "getting her way"?  Because Lori is such a spoiled little shit that Every woman must be that selfish?  Why wouldn't a person, male or female fear being taken advantage of?  It's all throughout nature for the strong to take advantage of the weak, think:  ants vs grasshoppers.  Humans vs anything we've hunted to extinction.  What this lady says is true:  Absolute power does corrupt absolutely.  That's exactly how we get tyrannical leaders, serial criminals, and yes @Ken even corrupt Christian husbands.  No matter how willful the submission, the potential exists for the dominant party to take it one step further until something cracks.  It's nature.  That's why nature has a checks and balances system.  That's why there are millions of ants and only hundreds of grasshoppers, if not, we'd have no ants left.  It's not about having ones way, it's about self preservation! 

They keep trying to say the sexes compliment each other??  Ok then, LET THEM COMPLIMENT.  

[usmcmom]

I've often wondered how Lori acts in a group of friends. Say they are all taking a walk and decide to go grab some breakfast. Who decides? In Lori's mind there must be a leader in every situation, every relationship. Let me guess, she assigns herself that title and LORI gets to decide?? 

What if it is a group of couples? Who gets to decide on the dinner spot? Which man gets to be the leader?  Because, again, Ken and Lori insist there must be a leader EVERWHERE. Do the Command Men fight it out while th Mister Steady types stand around and wait for a decision. Who is the most manly? Surely, the most manly man decides. 

I have to know!!

WHO DECIDES WHERE THEY EAT?!?!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!