Alyssa & John - light dessert reception.

[Mama Mia]

I must be strange as I don't see 'judgement.' More comment as to what each individual poster likes/dislikes and is normal to them in a cultural manner.

Although saying

Is not exactly coming across as non-judgemental either? I hear a tinge of disdain. Maybe just me :lol:

I think the only time I would really get eye-rolly is if I meet a differing cultural tradition to the norm is when it is NOT part of either of the couple's culture. Just something they thought was cute. With that thought in mind if I saw a dollar dance in Scotland I would be fairly 'money grabbing mingers.' Unless of course it was within their culture then I'd think, wow wish I was Venezuelan :lol:

Isn't it kind of hard to tell what is part of someone's cultural heritage and what is a tradition that has just become part of many ceremonies in the area? For example the Dollar Dance. In my area it is very, very common. Apparently it is a very common part of the ceremony in Mexico. My town has a very large proportion of residents who come from Mexico.Many of the weddings I have attended one or both of the partners are Mexican and there is generally a dollar dance. But I've been to many other weddings where neither partner is Mexican and they had a dollar dance, probably because the bride and groom have seen the dollar dance at weddings they have attended. I didn't even know it was a custom that was associated with Mexican culture until I read it here. I just thought it was a common, fun part if the ceremony....like tossing the garter. All wedding traditions have to start somewhere, so what is wrong with including something that can't be directly linked to the couples ancestry? I'm sure traditions of having a big cake, carrying flowers, exchanging rings, throwing rice and even having a reception all started with one group or another.

[nausicaa]

I must be strange as I don't see 'judgement.' More comment as to what each individual poster likes/dislikes and is normal to them in a cultural manner.

Although saying

Is not exactly coming across as non-judgemental either? I hear a tinge of disdain. Maybe just me :lol:

I think the only time I would really get eye-rolly is if I meet a differing cultural tradition to the norm is when it is NOT part of either of the couple's culture. Just something they thought was cute. With that thought in mind if I saw a dollar dance in Scotland I would be fairly 'money grabbing mingers.' Unless of course it was within their culture then I'd think, wow wish I was Venezuelan :lol:

I worded what people would want in a large wedding in an exaggerated way in an attempt to be funny, but I can see how it could have come off as disdainful. I do understand that people have large weddings for cultural reasons, or because they are outgoing and have lots of connections, or because it is a good way to have a family reunion, or just because they have always wanted to throw a beautiful party. All of those are perfectly valid reasons.

I wasn't just referring exclusively to this thread's comments here in my post, but a general attitude I've seen on other message boards as well, and in real life. I do think saying things like weddings have become insane or stating simplicity is the ideal for receptions is pushing one's own taste onto others as if it's a value (which, granted, I can also be guilty of).

[OkToBeTakei]

I worded what people would want in a large wedding in an exaggerated way in an attempt to be funny, but I can see how it could have come off as disdainful. I do understand that people have large weddings for cultural reasons, or because they are outgoing and have lots of connections, or because it is a good way to have a family reunion, or just because they have always wanted to throw a beautiful party. All of those are perfectly valid reasons.

I wasn't just referring exclusively to this thread's comments here in my post, but a general attitude I've seen on other message boards as well, and in real life. I do think saying things like weddings have become insane or stating simplicity is the ideal for receptions is pushing one's own taste onto others as if it's a value (which, granted, I can also be guilty of).

Ah no problem my error. I tend not to frequent wedding sites having no interest in getting married :lol: I do like a good wedding though!

[OkToBeTakei]

Isn't it kind of hard to tell what is part of someone's cultural heritage and what is a tradition that has just become part of many ceremonies in the area? For example the Dollar Dance. In my area it is very, very common. Apparently it is a very common part of the ceremony in Mexico. My town has a very large proportion of residents who come from Mexico.Many of the weddings I have attended one or both of the partners are Mexican and there is generally a dollar dance. But I've been to many other weddings where neither partner is Mexican and they had a dollar dance, probably because the bride and groom have seen the dollar dance at weddings they have attended. I didn't even know it was a custom that was associated with Mexican culture until I read it here. I just thought it was a common, fun part if the ceremony....like tossing the garter. All wedding traditions have to start somewhere, so what is wrong with including something that can't be directly linked to the couples ancestry? I'm sure traditions of having a big cake, carrying flowers, exchanging rings, throwing rice and even having a reception all started with one group or another.

Not where I live. No. To the bolded.

As to what is wrong with using something that is not part of either parties culture. Nothing. Just do not expect intent not to be read into it if that involves money . :lol: OH look that's cute! OR OH look! MONEY MONEY!! Yeah.

Same with borrowing religious practices that may offend. I actually don't care if folks want to get married under a hindi tent, shout mazel tov after smashing some glasses and pinning money to the wedding dress ALL accompanied by a ceilidh and a bagpiper. I do though think it may cause SOME comment, either positive or negative :lol:

[GeoBQn]

If your hosts run out of food, or the air conditioning breaks down or they thought made to order pasta would be great and it turned out to be a nightmare, I would think their friends and family would assume it was a mistake and not some malicious attempt to make their guests miserable.

I would hate to have the kind of " friends" who find it inexcusable that something went wrong at an event that's meant to be a loving celebration.

Of course it is not malicious, and mistakes happen. Sometimes the happiness of the bride and groom need to be balanced with the realities of the space and number of guests. Ideally, a good wedding planner or a friend/relative would help make this balance happen. Otherwise, it creates a situation where the bride and groom go with an idea that they love, that they think is "cute" or "original," but ends up being inappropriate for that type of event and leaves guests hungry or inconvenienced in some way. Again, it's not malicious, but it can come across as oblivious to the needs of the guests. If the happiness of the guests doesn't matter, then why invite people at all?

[twinmama]

They could even make homemade ice cream.my dad did that for my shower and everyone loved it.

Whoa. Yes. I would love that. My opinion is basically if you're serving any kind of food, make it good food. I don't need a steak dinner, but my husband's cousin who had a horrifically bad fried chicken buffet for 300+ people was worse than no food at all. If you're doing desserts, do good desserts; if you're doing a dinner, do food that is actually good. Don't invite more people than you can afford to feed good food (if you are doing food).

The main thing I judge at weddings is the booze. Open bar or I'm gonna be sad. Thankfully the only wedding I've ever been to that didn't have an open bar was that cousins' fundy wedding. I don't really even care about lots of options, just a bottomless bottle of wine :) I got married at a vineyard. Shows how much we love the wine.

Other than a really hideous or passe dress, I can't really find it in me to criticize peoples wedding dress choices. People have completely different body types, different personal styles, and all that. I had a sleeveless dress, I thought it was effing awesome, and it was cheapo $900 something (I was a "it's just one day I need it to look nice for" and I'm not handing it down person). It would have looked HORRIBLE on lots of other people. Looked fine on me IMO. I have a relative getting married soon whose dress by my standards is hideous. But it looks lovely on her and it fits her style; she would look ridiculous in my dress.

[OkToBeTakei]

Whoa. Yes. I would love that. My opinion is basically if you're serving any kind of food, make it good food. I don't need a steak dinner, but my husband's cousin who had a horrifically bad fried chicken buffet for 300+ people was worse than no food at all. If you're doing desserts, do good desserts; if you're doing a dinner, do food that is actually good. Don't invite more people than you can afford to feed good food (if you are doing food).

The main thing I judge at weddings is the booze. Open bar or I'm gonna be sad. Thankfully the only wedding I've ever been to that didn't have an open bar was that cousins' fundy wedding. I don't really even care about lots of options, just a bottomless bottle of wine :) I got married at a vineyard. Shows how much we love the wine.

I'm beginning to wonder if 'open bar' is the same where I live as to what some are referencing here.

Bar = anything from a glass of water, a fresh orange juice to the most expensive bottle of champagne, wine, including all types of spirits, brandies liqueurs, cocktails, beers, bottled or draft ?

Or are you talking about just specific drinks?

[twinmama]

No you're right, open bar means basically anything you want to drink is there and free. I really don't need that anywhere as all I really drink booze-wise is chardonnay! I did have an open bar, people were having like cognac and all that (again, I just had chardonnay bc I'm boring).

Our open bar wasn't open in the sense that the guests could get super expensive bottles of vodka or whiskey, you had to choose a tier and that said which brands of alcohol they served. I have also been to a few weddings that had unlimited red and white wine and beer, if you wanted a cocktail or anything like that either it wasn't available or you had to pay.

[Swamptribe]

An open bar as opposed to a cash bar, where guests have to pay for their own drinks. An open bar may consist of just a few selections (wine or beer) to signature cocktails to expensive call brands. Depending on the wedding budget. It's actually better to have no bar at all as opposed to forcing guests to pay for their own booze.

[Rebelwife]

I'm beginning to wonder if 'open bar' is the same where I live as to what some are referencing here.

Bar = anything from a glass of water, a fresh orange juice to the most expensive bottle of champagne, wine, including all types of spirits, brandies liqueurs, cocktails, beers, bottled or draft ?

Or are you talking about just specific drinks?

It can really mean a lot of things, but IMO it must mean that the host is paying for it completely - hence the "open" part. If people in the US hear "open bar" especially for an evening wedding then they might assume a full bar with beer, wine and various types of liquor, but not necessarily.

We had a late morning wedding precisely because I have a huge family and had a very specific venue I'd wanted to use since I was a child and I knew my parents and I couldn't afford to do a dinner/classic open bar there. So, we had a brunch/lunch reception with beer, wine, mimosas and bloody marys. I have no problem with people only serving what they can afford.

Like I said up thread, I was raised with the idea that you don't invite guests to something like a wedding and then tell them they have to pay for part of it - I'm sure it's different in other places and cultures. We have plenty of potlucks and BYOB casual parties, but that is something everyone agrees on ahead of time.

Edited to add: I'm too slow and others explained it better than I could.

[OkToBeTakei]

It can really mean a lot of things, but IMO it must mean that the host is paying for it completely - hence the "open" part. If people in the US hear "open bar" especially for an evening wedding then they might assume a full bar with beer, wine and various types of liquor, but not necessarily.

We had a late morning wedding precisely because I have a huge family and had a very specific venue I'd wanted to use since I was a child and I knew my parents and I couldn't afford to do a dinner/classic open bar there. So, we had a brunch/lunch reception with beer, wine, mimosas and bloody marys. So, I have no problem with people only serving what they can afford.

Like I said up thread, I was raised with the idea that you don't invite guests to something like a wedding and then tell them they have to pay for part of it. We have plenty of potlucks and BYOB casual parties, but that is something everyone agrees on ahead of time.

It only means one thing here. Open bar. The bar is the bar at the hotel venue you have your wedding at. So it would be hard to embargo or put away brands of spirits.

As Irishy said it is mostly common in a run of the mill traditional wedding to provide a welcome drink, wine (unlimited) with the generally 3 or 4 course meal and a toast with the cake. So the bar does not seem like you are asking people to pay for something per se. Not like they are not being well refreshed, just that Scots/Irish true to the stereotype CAN drink a shed load :lol: I like G&T and I only really like Hendricks which is about £6 a measure in a decent hotel without the mixer. If everybody has hollow legs like me and has say 5 or 6 of those throughout the day evening and you have 200 guests, then it's a dear old business. It's just not expected.

[Rebelwife]

It only means one thing here. Open bar. The bar is the bar at the hotel venue you have your wedding at. So it would be hard to embargo or put away brands of spirits.

As Irishy said it is mostly common in a run of the mill traditional wedding to provide a welcome drink, wine (unlimited) with the generally 3 or 4 course meal and a toast with the cake. So the bar does not seem like you are asking people to pay for something per se. Not like they are not being well refreshed, just that Scots/Irish true to the stereotype CAN drink a shed load :lol: I like G&T and I only really like Hendricks which is about £6 a measure in a decent hotel without the mixer. If everybody has hollow legs like me and has say 5 or 6 of those throughout the day evening and you have 200 guests, then it's a dear old business. It's just not expected.

I guess the difference is in whether the bar is a specific part of the celebration provided by the bride and groom for only their guests or not; one that is not also open to the public. I've been to weddings at hotels and clubs where there is a public bar apart from the room where the reception's being held and I've even gone down to one or two at dry weddings to get myself something to drink, but to me that's different. That's not the wedding hosts saying "here's this lovely bar we've set up for you, hope you brought some cash!"

[OkToBeTakei]

I guess the difference is in whether the bar is a specific part of the celebration provided by the bride and groom for only their guests or not; one that is not also open to the public. I've been to weddings at hotels and clubs where there is a public bar apart from the room where the reception's being held and I've even gone down to one or two at dry weddings to get myself something to drink, but to me that's different. That's not the wedding hosts saying "here's this lovely bar we've set up for you, hope you brought some cash!"

Definitely cultural difference I'm thinking. I'd be quite happy to buy my own drink even IF there was no champagne, wine with the meal and toast with cake than not have one at all. The only time I have seen specific drinks only, it was in the middle of a field in the Lake District in a tent :lol: We knew that before we went though as it was a case of 'folks, this is NOT your traditional wedding.' Was amazing.

A dry wedding sounds horrific and I'm happy to say I've never attended one. It's strange the last wedding I went to that had a free bar was really limiting. At one point or another I overheard or was involved in a conversation where jokingly it was referenced that the fact it was free made folks drink less or not their normal blend of Scotch or whatever because they felt greedy for freeloading. Maybe that was the point :lol: To ensure nobody fell over doing the Gay Gordons.

Cultures are indeed very diverse!

[fun2beme]

Catching up after a busy weekend - re: the dollar dance: As someone stated, it's a big Eastern European tradition. My family is Slovak and it's been at every family wedding I've been to. I guess it could be considered tacky as someone posted above but since I grew up in an ethnic area, I always thought it was a standard part of the reception. In my family, you get a piece of cake after dancing with the bride.

My sister always thought it was incredibly tacky and swore to never do it until it came time for her to pay for her own wedding. Then she changed her tune really quickly and got a nice amount to spent on her honeymoon. I think if I were to get married and include this, I'd be sure to explain to the non EE guests about the tradition behind it so there is at least some context behind it.

[twinmama]

Honestly, I'm a damn judgey person and a dollar dance in words seems tacky but if someone explained that it was a tradition in their culture or family it would not bother me or make me judge at all! I like the different little out of the ordinary things that happen at weddings. Keeps them interesting where they can become SUPER boring. The super boring bit is why I like free wine at weddings, also helps with getting people on the dance floor.

[Ting1789]

My sister did just one round of champagne. It was a 10 am brunch so it's not like the mostly over 50-family crowd was cruisin for boozin. Oh yeah, and my sister and many of her friends were under 21 and it was being paid for by my parents so open bar was dead on arrival. My parents did breakfast brunch and I would do it too - different and cheap and you get to eat bacon at a wedding.

My BIL's stepfather started the dollar dance. My parents thought it was tacky, and by the end people were dancing for free. I think BIL's SD did it as an excuse to slip them a couple hundred bucks as a gift because my BIL wouldn't have accepted it otherwise. To quote my BIL when they found $100 bills in the dance box.

"Who would pay $100 to dance with ME?"

"What makes you think it was to dance with you?"

TL;DR I suppose there are times when both things are alright.

[Mama Mia]

Not where I live. No. To the bolded.

As to what is wrong with using something that is not part of either parties culture. Nothing. Just do not expect intent not to be read into it if that involves money . :lol: OH look that's cute! OR OH look! MONEY MONEY!! Yeah.

Same with borrowing religious practices that may offend. I actually don't care if folks want to get married under a hindi tent, shout mazel tov after smashing some glasses and pinning money to the wedding dress ALL accompanied by a ceilidh and a bagpiper. I do though think it may cause SOME comment, either positive or negative :lol:

I'm just curious as to the part you bolded, and this is a question to other posters on this thread too. It seems like many people have a very set idea as to what should/ should not be included as part of a wedding. Do people who feel this way maybe live in areas that are particularly insular, or maybe almost all of the weddings you attend are of people from roughly the same socio/economic group and/or heritage?

There seems, in my experience, to be a really wide variety in what's done at weddings, but many people here seem to have a pretty set view of what is acceptable or not, so I'm wondering if maybe people who have a set idea maybe have a fairly homogenous group of friends/family/co-workers?

[Georgiana]

I'm just curious as to the part you bolded, and this is a question to other posters on this thread too. It seems like many people have a very set idea as to what should/ should not be included as part of a wedding. Do people who feel this way maybe live in areas that are particularly insular, or maybe almost all of the weddings you attend are of people from roughly the same socio/economic group and/or heritage?

There seems, in my experience, to be a really wide variety in what's done at weddings, but many people here seem to have a pretty set view of what is acceptable or not, so I'm wondering if maybe people who have a set idea maybe have a fairly homogenous group of friends/family/co-workers?

Quote clipping for brevity.

I live in a diverse area, but I do think there are hard and fast rules that should be adhered to in any wedding or large party you throw, no matter where you come from. Just basic stuff like 'Make sure the guests are comfortable and provided for', 'Do not financially or socially inconvenience your guests', 'If you are going to do something, make sure you can spend the time and money to do it RIGHT. If not, skip it.', 'Make sure you have a venue that is suitable for your ceremony/reception (AMAZING how many weddings I have been to that missed this one)', etc.

Also, I think a lot of posters in this thread are speaking in generals. In real life, when it comes to a particular couple, they may be perfectly willing to just write things off as "Oh, that's an element of their culture". I think really, it comes down to the attitude of the couple. Gifts are just that: gifts. They are not a requirement, nor should you really dictate what people give you. Wedding Registries are more to help the guests pick out a suitable gift that hasn't already been purchased than an exhaustive list of options.

What I'm saying is, saying "Hey, this is our thing. Participate if you want, but please don't feel pressure" and "Hey, this is our thing. Please plan to participate" is TOTALLY different. I'm familiar with Chinese weddings. I know the custom is to give cash, not a gift. I would very much be offended if in the invitation someone wrote a note that asked me to give cash instead of a gift. You should feel grateful for WHATEVER someone gives you.

[Coconut Flan]

Along those lines the last wedding invitation I saw said "No box gifts."

I think they may get a lovely Hallmark card and that is all. I haven't decided yet. I already know I'm skipping the event not because of the request, but because of the location of the wedding which was made for the convenience of the groom's mother and sister and no one else.

[yetanothermeg]

Along those lines the last wedding invitation I saw said "No box gifts."

I think they may get a lovely Hallmark card and that is all. I haven't decided yet. I already know I'm skipping the event not because of the request, but because of the location of the wedding which was made for the convenience of the groom's mother and sister and no one else.

Use a gift bag :lol:

[ShesCrafty]

Along those lines the last wedding invitation I saw said "No box gifts."

I think they may get a lovely Hallmark card and that is all. I haven't decided yet. I already know I'm skipping the event not because of the request, but because of the location of the wedding which was made for the convenience of the groom's mother and sister and no one else.

Is "no box gifts" just a roundabout way of saying "cash only, please"? If so, then I will go on record as saying I judge that. I judge that harshly.

[Arete]

I live in a diverse area and have been to many kinds of weddings. The one that definitely brought out my inner bitch was the no drinking, no dancing, sit through long assed sermon at both church and reception hall one. I don't go to weddings to be preached to. That is disrespecting your guests. I have been to several Muslim weddings where not a drop of alcohol was served, but where there was much dancing, good food, and merry making that I didn't even miss the wine. That is being respectful and inclusive of your guests. In my family we always assign several people to fetch non Greeks from their seats, show them our dance steps, and guide them on the dance floor so that they can fully participate. Once again, it is about being mindful of your guests.

I think the bitchiness can come out when guests feel either left out or only there so the wedding registry can be maximized.

[Coconut Flan]

Is "no box gifts" just a roundabout way of saying "cash only, please"? If so, then I will go on record as saying I judge that. I judge that harshly.

Indeed it is.

[fun2beme]

Unless it's a cultural custom that I'm not aware of, I think honeymoon registries are damn tacky. Go ahead and use the money on your honeymoon if you want, but demanding that I pay for a moonlight sailboat excursion with champagne is a bit much. And I'm pretty sure it's not part of the culture of the people I've seen do this since they're my cousins. My sister, who hasn't gone on a vacation in years and got hit with a $600 repair bill the day she received the shower invite, gave them a $100 Home Depot gift card instead. So wonderfully passive-aggressive!

[16strong]

Unless it's a cultural custom that I'm not aware of, I think honeymoon registries are damn tacky. Go ahead and use the money on your honeymoon if you want, but demanding that I pay for a moonlight sailboat excursion with champagne is a bit much. And I'm pretty sure it's not part of the culture of the people I've seen do this since they're my cousins. My sister, who hasn't gone on a vacation in years and got hit with a $600 repair bill the day she received the shower invite, gave them a $100 Home Depot gift card instead. So wonderfully passive-aggressive!

I usually can't stand passive-aggressive individuals (I am one, I should know) but this is AWESOME! :lol: It's like the passive-aggressive equivalent of an Itzhak Perlman performance. Simply masterful. :clap: