Bro Gary Hawkins 24: Smoking Meat

[thoughtful]

Gary was in church without Becky on Sunday evening (she posted to Facebook that she was watching).

They were both in church Wednesday evening. Pastor Baker was as unsympathetic as usual during prayer requests, varying from quick dismissive comments to joking inappropriately.

[thoughtful]

Gary has posted:

Quote

Ok folks here is the newest members of the family.

Even in that short sentence, he can't get everything right.

Comments so far:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Gary, with his great grasp of technology, tells us about the KJB college yet again. Help us get the word of share, share, share.

In case Gary's mentioning Jerusalem is unclear to anyone, it is a reference to Acts 1:8:

Quote

ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.

People use "your Jerusalem" (or, in Gary's case, "y'all Jerusalem")  to indicate working on saving local people, or even one's own family, before branching out to larger populations. So it's another way of reminding people that they can stay wherever they are "servicing GOD" and take the courses.

[Mrs Ms]

I LOVE that the “Logo” info is all over it!

[AmazonGrace]

"Logo shown in various sizes for reference"

King James Bible College - for people who need pictures to picture an item as very slightly larger or smaller

[postscript]

The irony of Gary shilling for a “college” when he is barely literate and otherwise dismissive of any form of higher education never ceases to amuse. 

[thoughtful]

There are some requests for information under Gary's post about the Kollege of Biblical Knowledge. Gary alerts Chris Howe to them.

Chris is generally more literate than Gary, so I figure this was just typos and autocorrect, but it's still pretty funny:
 

I figure "I for" was meant to be "info," but I can't figure out how "dame" got in there!

Now I want to go watch South Pacific.

 

[AmazonGrace]

he's sending other people the info and a sample course so maybe just because s is next to d in the keyboard and leaving letters out is easier than writing them

[Xan]

He does say (and maybe said earlier) that there are 48 courses that will cover all 66 books of the Bible.  Each course is $30.  That works out to $1440 for the certificate that says you studied the Bible.  Nice little side hustle there, Gary.  Wonder how they split up the money?  

That being said, I doubt that they have many takers.  After one or two useless courses, I imagine even the diehards will let it go.

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

he's sending other people the info and a sample course so maybe just because s is next to d in the keyboard and leaving letters out is easier than writing them

Ah - trying to type "sample"  - that makes sense.

[thoughtful]

As far as I can tell, Becky and Gary were not in church yesterday morning. They were there last night, and, when Pastor Baker asked for "blessings, special, good," Gary was called on. He said: "Well uh, wh'n we wint t'New York, the Lord paid for the trip allaway up 'ere an' back."
Baker: "Amen."
Gary: "Got t'preach a coupla tahms, an' then, when ah came home, an' was out for another week f'r work, ah said 'Ah guess we'll starve t'death,' an' then the boss man said we got paid for it."
Baker: "Wowwwwww."
Gary: "God worked it out."
Baker: "Praise the Lord. Well, ya got some chickens y'could eat, too, so uhhhh, eheheheh. Uhhhh, ah'm startin' with our duck, but uhhhhh, eheheh, well, it's Grant's duck, but anyway, he won't know, uhhh, alright, blessing, blessing blessing . . .  "

Grant is one of Baker's sons - not a little kid, but whether it's a pet or destined for the dinner table, who wants their father joking about killing a duck that doesn't belong to him, in front of a room full of people?

[Alisamer]

On 1/28/2024 at 1:55 AM, Mrs Ms said:

I LOVE that the “Logo” info is all over it!

And the proof stamp on top!

That means "this logo hasn't been paid for yet" in design jargon. I'm dying to see if they keep using it with the proof stamp on there. But considering Gary couldn't even figure out how to crop it down to just one logo...

On 1/28/2024 at 3:10 AM, AmazonGrace said:

"Logo shown in various sizes for reference"

King James Bible College - for people who need pictures to picture an item as very slightly larger or smaller

You'd be amazed at how many people can't visualize anything. I have one customer who is a kitchen/closet designer yet can't imagine anything at all on paper somehow yet has strong opinions on what she wants her pieces to look like. I have learned that for her first proof I throw all the pieces onto the correct size of paper in a vaguely decent fashion as quickly as possible, and then she will mark it up and draw exactly what she wants where and then I can do the actual design for her. With some negotiation when she inevitably wants a horizontal photo in a vertical shaped space, but not cropped. 

That said, I suspect in this instance the reason that the logo is on there shown in various sizes is because they insisted on cramming all that info into it, and the designer is trying to show them that just like they were warned, most of it won't be legible at small sizes. 

Also I personally think that logo is kind of terrible but also exactly as generic as I'd expect from something Gary is involved in, and I suspect their "designer" is one of those people who lives in a very low cost of living area and does basic designs for $20 or less. From what I've seen they have a stockpile of pre-made generic logos and pick a couple that relate to the client and stick the client's name on it, so the actual work involved is as minimal as possible. (For the record, our logos start at $250 minimum and I think that's pretty inexpensive for what you get.)

If it is a real designer I hope they get paid, and I'm glad they had the foresight to slap "proof" stamps all over it. Because I have no doubt they are getting heavy-handed hints about donating their work to the ministry.

[thoughtful]

Oh, @Alisamer, I'm so glad you have commented on Gary's Post of Many Logos. I almost tagged you when I posted it, but figured you'd find it in time.

I went on listening to the "blessings" at last night's Family Baptist service (why do I do these things?). A woman who teaches in the church's Sunday school (the one actually for kids, not an early service) told a story about a little girl praying. The gist of the story is that the teachers go around the room at the end of the session and give each child an opportunity to offer their own prayer, but tell them they don't have to if they don't want to, because her class is ages 2-5 ( of course, the teachers pray, and most of the kids do, so no pressure there 🙄).

A little girl (who is a "bus kid"), who never wanted to offer her prayer finally did, asking for ideas from the teacher at first. Eventually she decided to make up her own prayer, and it was adorable.

As she gets to the point in the story where she said the little girl wanted to make up her own prayer, she says: "It's always cute to see what they're going to say, when they pray."

Baker interrupts her: "Yeah, we find out fun stuff about the parents. Especially Sy. Uhhhhhh, wow. Just kidding - I'm joking, but - heheheh - Abby's getting nervous now; 'Oh no!'"

He gives his obnoxious giggle (have I mentioned he has a really obnoxious giggle?), then finally lets the teacher finish her story.

Spoiler

When she finishes, Baker says something about people seeing the bus kids as just a disruption and not realizing what an impact they are making by bringing them in. He goes on to say that they weren't able to use the bus that morning or last week because of the ice, and "had to pick 'em up in cars and vans."

I could be getting that wrong, because there's a bit in the middle about someone not being approved to drive yet (which I'm interpreting to mean he doesn't have a license to drive a bus yet), but it sure sounds like they went out and picked up other people's children despite it being too icy to use the bus.

His point is that, since it takes less time with more vehicles, they left later (and didn't tell any of the parents, I guess), and got some calls from Moms making sure they were coming, one saying how much her girls love their church.

"It really is a big deal, especially when you see where some of these kids come from, the life that they have, come into a place where it's fun, and ya learn about Jesus, and they know that they care for you, and love them - it's a big deal."

I really hate the smarmy, self-congratulating crap about how they are saving those poor, disadvantaged, sinner-parented kids.

A man says he led two kids to the Lord in Junior church. One of them, when told "It's not by your words, just believing," said "It's that simple?"

Baker loves that.

It sounds to me like the kid thought there had to be a catch, and I think he's right. The catch is your entire life spent terrified of burning in a lake of fire and wasting time trying to convince other people to avoid it, when it doesn't exist, kid.

Edited February 1 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

At tonight's service at Family Baptist, the camera never showed the congregation, just the pulpit, with this at the beginning and end:

Spoiler

I don't know if they just didn't have someone available to move the camera, or didn't want to show the congregation for some reason. 🤷‍♀️

As ever, they didn't send the microphone around for prayer requests, like they do for blessings on Sunday evenings. But I could tell that Becky was making a request, and heard her say "little baby Joe."  What Baker repeated was "OK - two-month old, floppy esophagus, and Ruth with, uh . . ." We hear Becky reminding him. "Heart murmur, OK - pray for those, OK?" And he went on to the next person.

So it sounds like both of Michaela's children are having a rough time with their health. I hope both problems can be resolved and they will be OK. I also hope Joe and Michaela are getting the help of actual doctors, not just prayer.

[thoughtful]

As usual, I have my once-a-year hopes that Gary will once again complain about the Supper Bowel. Last year, all we got was his making Super Bowl into one word, and grilling everyone about whether their church would have services and ignore it completely, schedule around it, or even watch it in the church building.

Maybe this year we'll get a bonus, with a complaint about Taylor Swift and a creative spelling of her name and her fans' nickname (please let it be Stiffies, or Swiffers, or something equally Garyesque).

Ya got ten days, Gary - let me hear it!

[marmalade]

I bet they get an earful of evil, Biden loving Swift and vax loving Kelce in church on Sunday. That'll give Gary a week's worth of material. 😃

[3splenty]

Omg I can't believe the weird menopausal dreams I have.

I have no idea how this happened, but apparently Bro Gary and Steve Maxwell got double-booked to speak at a conference about finding comfort in your faith. All I remember is them fighting over the lectern, screaming at each other before I left and got tacos from a street vendor.

I just realized that my dream makes about as much sense as one of Bro Gary's sermons. I could never make it though a service he preaches at.

[thoughtful]

52 minutes ago, 3splenty said:

Omg I can't believe the weird menopausal dreams I have.

I have no idea how this happened, but apparently Bro Gary and Steve Maxwell got double-booked to speak at a conference about finding comfort in your faith. All I remember is them fighting over the lectern, screaming at each other before I left and got tacos from a street vendor.

I just realized that my dream makes about as much sense as one of Bro Gary's sermons.

Sounds like it made a lot more sense than any of his sermons. The least realistic thing in it was the idea of either of them preaching on the subject of finding comfort in faith. They may have vastly different styles, but they are both hellfire boys.

I'm really enjoying imagining the fight over the lectern, between the tightassed guilt-monger and the incoherent screamer.

Steve: Respect your elders, young man. I am booked to speak here. You will have your turn after the five points of my speech, each of which will take 15 minutes exactly. Can you do that math?
Gary: Ah'manna say, no ah cain't. Y'say "wha?" Ah'm a hillbilly, ah talk hillbilly and do hillbilly 'rithmatic. What's yer problem - ya gotta git home to watch Ah Love Lucy?
Steve: The total is one hour and 15 minutes, or 75 minutes. That is when the big hand is on the 11 and the little hand -
Gary: Jesus told me ah was s'posed t'speak first! HAYMUN!
Steve: Get your hands off of this lectern, reprobate!
Gary: What's that? Did you mean "reptobate?"

etc.

So, how were the tacos? Did you get to dream-taste them or did you wake up, or move on in the dream, too soon?

[TacoBellKimmy]

44 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Sounds like it made a lot more sense than any of his sermons. The least realistic thing in it was the idea of either of them preaching on the subject of finding comfort in faith. They may have vastly different styles, but they are both hellfire boys.

I'm really enjoying imagining the fight over the lectern, between the tightassed guilt-monger and the incoherent screamer.

Steve: Respect your elders, young man. I am booked to speak here. You will have your turn after the five points of my speech, each of which will take 15 minutes exactly. Can you do that math?
Gary: Ah'manna say, no ah cain't. Y'say "wha?" Ah'm a hillbilly, ah talk hillbilly and do hillbilly 'rithmatic. What's yer problem - ya gotta git home to watch Ah Love Lucy?
Steve: The total is one hour and 15 minutes, or 75 minutes. That is when the big hand is on the 11 and the little hand -
Gary: Jesus told me ah was s'posed t'speak first! HAYMUN!
Steve: Get your hands off of this lectern, reprobate!
Gary: What's that? Did you mean "reptobate?"

etc.

So, how were the tacos? Did you get to dream-taste them or did you wake up, or move on in the dream, too soon?

I. Am. Rolling! Thank you! 

[3splenty]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Sounds like it made a lot more sense than any of his sermons. The least realistic thing in it was the idea of either of them preaching on the subject of finding comfort in faith. They may have vastly different styles, but they are both hellfire boys.

I'm really enjoying imagining the fight over the lectern, between the tightassed guilt-monger and the incoherent screamer.

Steve: Respect your elders, young man. I am booked to speak here. You will have your turn after the five points of my speech, each of which will take 15 minutes exactly. Can you do that math?
Gary: Ah'manna say, no ah cain't. Y'say "wha?" Ah'm a hillbilly, ah talk hillbilly and do hillbilly 'rithmatic. What's yer problem - ya gotta git home to watch Ah Love Lucy?
Steve: The total is one hour and 15 minutes, or 75 minutes. That is when the big hand is on the 11 and the little hand -
Gary: Jesus told me ah was s'posed t'speak first! HAYMUN!
Steve: Get your hands off of this lectern, reprobate!
Gary: What's that? Did you mean "reptobate?"

etc.

So, how were the tacos? Did you get to dream-taste them or did you wake up, or move on in the dream, too soon?

They were amazing tacos! 

But I just remember them screaming at each other, yanking on the sides of the lectern while I stood there, watching the scene unfold, eating those amazing tacos.

[thoughtful]

I had a hard time even imagining Steve screaming. Maybe I'll have a similar dream, and my sleeping imagination will do a better job than my waking one did.

The video of the service this morning started and ended with a card again, and the camera didn't pan back for the greeting. During the pastor's message, he steps down to grab a "volunteer" (the same young man he used to demonstrate how Moses danced) to pretend to be Jesus, so he can pretend to introduce him to people. The camera does pull back to show that, and then returns to focus on the pulpit. So it doesn't seem like the reason is that there is nobody there to move it.

Maybe they are getting concerned about other people watching their service. During the greeting, what we saw was kids milling around at the front. If they're not showing the whole congregation due to some privacy concerns, letting the youngest congregants get on camera seems to defeat the purpose.

Sunday morning services don't include either blessings or prayer requests, so, without the full view of the congregation, I don't know if Becky and/or Gary were there.

They're doing "family fun night" tonight. It's also going to be Pastor's birthday celebration. Baker, reading off of a 3x5 card, says, "Cake and ice cream provided, bring drinks, cards, notes, and million dollar - uh, OK, I added that. Heheheh."

He says that it is also his mother's birthday, and, of course, jokes about how he was her best birthday gift ever, and her age.

 Such a comedian. 🙄

But the mood changes. Baker tells a story. It seems that this one goes around the Internet in Christian circles, so it was easy to find, to cut and paste here:

Quote

A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, TN. One morning, they were eating breakfast at little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table, visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, "I hope he doesn't come over here." But sure enough, the man did come over to their table. "Where are you folks from?" he asked in a friendly voice.

"Oklahoma," they answered.

"Great to have you here in Tennessee." the stranger said. "What do you do for a living?"

"I teach at a seminary," he replied.

"Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I've got a really great story for you." And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple. The professor groaned and thought to himself, "Great... Just what I need another preacher story!"

The man started, "See that mountain over there pointing out the restaurant window. Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went, he was always asked the same question, 'Hey boy, Who's your daddy?' "Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the same question, 'Who's your daddy?'

He would hide at recess and lunch time from other students. He would avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad. "When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, 'Who's your daddy?'. But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd.

"Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, 'Son, who's your daddy?'" The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, 'Who's your daddy'. This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy

"'Wait a minute!' he said. 'I know who you are. I see the family resemblance now. You are a child of God. With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, 'Boy, you've got a great inheritance. Go and claim it.'

With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again.

Whenever anybody asked him, 'Who's your Daddy?' he'd just tell them, 'I'm a Child of God'." The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, "Isn't that a great story?"

The professor responded that it really was a great story!

As the man turned to leave, he said, "You know, if that new preacher hadn't told me that I was one of God's children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!" And he walked away.

The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress over and asked her, "Do you know who that man was who just left that was sitting at our table?"

The waitress grinned and said, "Of course. Everybody here knows him. That's Ben Hooper. He's the former governor of Tennessee!"

tl;dr: A child born to a single mother is teased about not having a father. A new pastor at his church tells him he is a child of God, and he grows up to be the governor of Tennessee.

Here's what Snopes has to say:

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/whos-your-daddy/

As he tells it, he starts to cry, and cries for quite a while. It actually looks genuine to me, but who knows.

I mostly fast-forwarded through the rest of his message, but caught enough to know that, while it starts with this (inaccurate) story about how someone being told he was a child of God gave him confidence, it quickly settles into a message about how they'd better do all of the chores that God/Jesus gave them to do (like a dad going off to work) before he comes back.

He throws in some teasing insults about his brothers, lots of guilt about God giving up his only son to save everyone, and cheerful talk about God spanking us and parents spanking children, because, of course, it is necessary. 😡

 

Edited February 4 by thoughtful
punctuation

[thoughtful]

I guess Pastor Baker's wife has been ill, because he starts Sunday evening service/family fun night by saying that she's "doing better, she can almost breathe - it helps when I take the pillow off of her face."

He then goes into a weird defensive routine about the previous week's bulletin article, and how "if you know, you know," and saying that it was very clear, but, just in case . . .

The captions have some problems with "bulletin article," showing it as "Bulgarian article" and "bullish man article."

He reads the article, which had the title "I Love My Wife, But" His point was that anyone who says they love someone but then talks ill of them or doesn't fulfill their obligations is problematic. Of course, it's about how people don't do enough for God, after they say they love him.

Then he says, "So. For anybody who wondered what I said, that was what I said. And for other people going 'What is he talking about?' Good. You don't need to know."

I have no idea what that was about - maybe someone only heard about the title and was badmouthing him - who knows?

After a dull story about him and his father honking their car horns at one another on the way to church, he leads some singing.

The fun consists of a few times through various games, with six teams competing. There's a bible question game (I knew most of the answers). They do a hymn version of Name That Tune, and bible drills - Baker calls out a chapter and verse, and they race to recite it, from memory or by looking it up.

According to the captions, the king of Persia, in the book of Esther, was:

Spoiler

(good try, captions  - it's Ahasuerus)

The captions also misinterpreted things when Baker announced bible drills:

Spoiler

He gives a sermon, about being self-righteous - oh, sorry - "speaking the truth in love" when people ask why you dress modestly or only use the KJV. He tells them to win people over without insulting them. I suspect this is one bit of advice Gary won't take from his role model (if he's there - no way to tell, since, yet again, the congregation is not shown).

He tells a story about a home economics teacher who used to have him come in to do pre-marriage counseling with high school girls during a unit on wedding planning. This was in  a public school. He actually goes out of his way to say it was legal.

He tells them that, one year, some of the girls (who he makes sure to say were, as public school students, "probably unsaved") asked him what he thought of dating. He says he "played the wimp" and wouldn't answer them, but the girls kept insisting that he answer.

He claims he finally answered,  "Don't crucify me for this," and went on to describe how he saw dating - being pressured to do things they don't want to do, creating problems that would affect their future, even "You're gonna break up, now your best friend's gonna date him, and now you're gonna hate your best friend."

He advised them to "be friends with everybody" and not date until they were ready to date with the intention of getting married. He claims they all thought it was wonderful advice, even though, as he reminds us again, they were "probably unsaved."

It resonated with them, he says, because it was Truth. 🙄

Spoiler

One of the comments, from someone watching online:

Spoiler

 

Edited February 5 by thoughtful
riffle

[Xan]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"...it helps when I take the pillow off of her face"...

This is a preacher?  WTH is wrong with him?  

As for "reptobate" -- after Gary's mispronunciations, that's the way my brain interprets reprobate now.  It seems appropriate.  Anyone whom Gary decides is horrible and unsaved would be bait for reptiles.

[thoughtful]

7 hours ago, Xan said:

This is a preacher?  WTH is wrong with him? 

He has a condition I've noticed in a lot of the slicker IFB preachers - Anything for a Punchline Syndrome. I've seen it in a lot of people from all walks of life, over the years. Making a joke is more important to them than anything else at that moment.

Their humor is often pretty shabby, and it's weakened even further by their not waiting for an opportunity for a really funny joke, let alone a harmless one - they just keep bashing away at every possibility.

Mocking and teasing is often their main humor mode. They get that that sly "aren't I adorable?" facial expression - Baker makes that obnoxious face often, along with the stupid giggle.

 

Edited February 5 by thoughtful
punctuation

[thoughtful]

Pastor Baker started tonight's service reading the birthday cards he got that make jokes about being old.

The only thing I find somewhat funny about it is that he shows a card his brother got him,  for someone turning 75, and his brother calls out that he bought it by accident because he's dyslexic (Baker just turned 57).

Prayers requests include some for people to be saved. Baker calls on a woman and puts his own spin on what she says, claiming she knows some people in a nursing home "who believe different, so she's gotta straighten 'em all out."

They chuckle.

I didn't listen to the message, but checked the end. Again, the full congregation is never shown, but, as they are being dismissed, I see:

Spoiler

And Becky is behind him.