Alyssa & John - light dessert reception.

[anti-antichoice]

Unless it's a cultural custom that I'm not aware of, I think honeymoon registries are damn tacky. Go ahead and use the money on your honeymoon if you want, but demanding that I pay for a moonlight sailboat excursion with champagne is a bit much. And I'm pretty sure it's not part of the culture of the people I've seen do this since they're my cousins. My sister, who hasn't gone on a vacation in years and got hit with a $600 repair bill the day she received the shower invite, gave them a $100 Home Depot gift card instead. So wonderfully passive-aggressive!

See, I wouldn't mind giving the couple money for their honeymoon if that's what they wanted, as long as I wasn't also expected to get them a physical gift

[OkToBeTakei]

I'm just curious as to the part you bolded, and this is a question to other posters on this thread too. It seems like many people have a very set idea as to what should/ should not be included as part of a wedding. Do people who feel this way maybe live in areas that are particularly insular, or maybe almost all of the weddings you attend are of people from roughly the same socio/economic group and/or heritage?

There seems, in my experience, to be a really wide variety in what's done at weddings, but many people here seem to have a pretty set view of what is acceptable or not, so I'm wondering if maybe people who have a set idea maybe have a fairly homogenous group of friends/family/co-workers?

I don't think you can call where I live 'insular' :lol: But it's cultural back round is centuries old rather than hundreds and it's traditions fairly unchanged by immigration. THAT being said there is a large Italian culture in my area going back decades and also a very large Indian/Pakistani culture. (Obviously there are others but these stand out.) I don't see a lot of appropriating of cultural traditions between cultures unless as I previously said one party IS that culture.

I HAVE seen a bagpiper outside Mosque which did not strike me as unusual as both parties were Scottish. Legalities play a huge part in tradition as well and it really does not matter where you are from or what back round 'banns' have to be posted and the person officiating must be legally able to do so. Venues can and are very diverse though.

My most recent wedding was 'non-traditional' in that sense as it was non-gift, non-ceremony, straight to the eat be merry and dance part. (Couple married in private.) Day before. Increasingly marriage packages abroad are common and I do not expect an all expenses paid trip to the Maldives if invited. I am attending a same sex marriage in the Summer although it appears to be more traditional in nature.

So cultural norm would be, ceremony, venue, eat, drink, dance. These by far make up most of weddings. The traditions vary but do not seem to 'appropriate' those of other cultures. As I said if giving money for a dance or pinning it on the dress is the cultural norm for one of the participants then great. If it is something they saw and thought 'Yay' I'd be fairly suspicious as to the intent. There are small traditions which do not include money that are different, rice or throwing bouquet is not always present or is a garter. I've seen the Irish tradition of every guest making an arch at the end of the night to see off the couple used in Scotland as there is a strong familial connection. I attended one family wedding in California where it was long dress (apparently quite common.)

Basically there are differences in all weddings but if you are talking traditional wedding, then it tends to follow the same basic recipe. Kilts, ceilidh, drink, family, drunk family :lol:

As the ever increasing reality TV marriage thing explodes I totally expect to see this all change :lol:

We also have Gretna. That's a sub-culture all of it's own.

I did laugh at the no-box thing. Reminds me of Mr OK and his pal turning up for an evening do with a John Lewis carrier bag full of bathroom towels MANY years ago :lol:

[Emkay]

Along those lines the last wedding invitation I saw said "No box gifts."

I think they may get a lovely Hallmark card and that is all. I haven't decided yet. I already know I'm skipping the event not because of the request, but because of the location of the wedding which was made for the convenience of the groom's mother and sister and no one else.

Only because you also mentioned that the location was chosen specifically to accommodate a few of the groom's family, do you think the 'no box gifts' has to do with transporting them after the wedding? If so, that should have been mentioned (not to mention most places with registries have it set up where you can pick up gifts sent by people who don't live locally either at your local store or they have free delivery for registry gifts). Either way, definitely a tacky way of wording it!

[scc12]

IMO ref. to gifts at all,other than 'we req. no gifts' or 'no gifts pls' is tacky.it assumes one is expected.

In which case I would prob. get a very tiny box gift.lol.

[Coconut Flan]

The no box gifts aside from being one of the tackiest things I've seen on a wedding invitation does have to do a bit with the location of the wedding. Although gifts could be sent to the couple's residence in advance or after the wedding. The wedding is being held near the future MIL because she's a control freak and this way she can make the decisions and also the SIL is expecting and expects the world to revolve and her and the fetus. I won't be surprised if she fakes early labor during the wedding or the reception.

The bride though may get close to rivaling SIL in the spoiled brat department. She's a catered to all her life only child. I'm not saying all only children are spoiled, but this one was. I'm sure she wants to pick out each item herself and didn't even trust registries. I've talked to some friends who are all preparing their little digs or simply not going. Half the bridesmaids are trying to find the largest in size gift that they can think of buying. She may end up with six of the largest toaster ovens on the market. :clap: To say that so far almost all the prospective guests on the bride's side are insulted is an understatement.

[Hisey]

Use a gift bag :lol:

Or take it out of the box and wrap it.

[twinmama]

Personally, I'm lazy and if an invite said no gifts or no box gifts or cash only... that's just less work for me. Write a check and be done with it! No need to mess with registries or worse no registries! I want whoever I am giving a gift to to get a gift that they want, if they want money, money it is. Money is super easy to give.

As for the honeymoon registries, I think its weird but if I'm putting out $100 for a gift for them I really don't give a crap what my $100 goes to as long as its something they want. I'm not going to force a salad spinner on someone who wants a massage on a cruise or whatever.

[salex]

Or take it out of the box and wrap it.

I would be tempted to send/take a wrapped photo box, or a set of bankers boxes from Office Depot or some such.

Or, not worry about it,

[Swamptribe]

I've been into the wedding thing lately. Mainly because of an addiction to the show "Four Weddings". Love to see the different styles of weddings. Everything from big blow outs to family run backyard shindigs. I think the most horrible etiquette faux pas that is made when it comes to weddings is expecting your guests to fork out cash to participate in some way shape or form.

Guest registries are useful for a young couple just starting out. A couple that needs everything. Bringing gifts to a wedding is optional. They are your guests, not cash cows. The idea that guests are required to somehow finance the couple in some way is offensive. If a guest wants to give a gift great, but they are not obliged to do so. You invited them because you wanted them to share this important moment to you, not because you thought they'd get you something from them.

[Coconut Flan]

I would be tempted to send/take a wrapped photo box, or a set of bankers boxes from Office Depot or some such.

Or, not worry about it

I love that one. I am now tempted to ship a boxed photo box. :dance:

[Georgiana]

I love that one. I am now tempted to ship a boxed photo box. :dance:

Or, to be really snarky, buy a nice gift that would go in a box. Photograph it, and write "This is what I got you to celebrate your wedding, but since you did not want items, I will keep it for myself! I will think of your happiness every time I use it!"

[DutchGirl]

In my social circle here in the Netherlands it's quite common for people to life together before getting married. They don't need gifts to set up a house. Cash is a normal accepted gift, offten used to buy something large, like (down paymand on) a car, a couch or a piece of art or what ever the couple chooses. They ask for it by putting the symbol of a little envelope on the invite and there is a box at the venue where one can put the envelope with cash in. Never have I heard anyone being offended about this. Talk about cultural diffrences!

[Violet]

In my social circle here in the Netherlands it's quite common for people to life together before getting married. They don't need gifts to set up a house. Cash is a normal accepted gift, offten used to buy something large, like (down paymand on) a car, a couch or a piece of art or what ever the couple chooses. They ask for it by putting the symbol of a little envelope on the invite and there is a box at the venue where one can put the envelope with cash in. Never have I heard anyone being offended about this. Talk about cultural diffrences!

Yeah from my (very limited) experience of weddings in the UK, the couple mentions whether they want gifts/money/no gifts on the invitation. It seems to be the done thing here.

[Coconut Flan]

It is cultural I'm sure about the gifts, but in our set/group/whatever you want to call it, telling someone what to get or give you is simply not done. Where someone is registered is never mentioned on a wedding invitation. The bride in question grew up in that kind of environment. I'm guessing it was future MIL who suggested it because I know the bride's mother didn't and is probably appalled.

The last wedding I went to there was a very small discreet basket on a table off to the side of the entrance for those people who wished to leave cards, checks, or gift cards. Some people choose to do that but that is their choice. Generally if the couple prefers cash or gift cards, they simply don't make a registry anywhere and the rest of us can take a hint.

[twinmama]

Ooh the one thing that drives me nuts is having to hunt down where someone is registered. I hate that!! I know it's tacky to put it on the shower invite or the wedding invite, but how is it not tackier to make me find a bridesmaids contact info or have to call the bride to ask? I would much prefer the info just be included on the invite or with the invite. So much easier.

[singsingsing]

I kind of get why it's considered tacky but I know as a guest I much prefer to have the registry info in the invitation than have to hunt it down. I think a lot of people get around it now by leaving it off the invite, but putting a link to their wedding website in the invite and then putting the registry info on the website. That seems like a good compromise to me... but I definitely wouldn't think 'wow how tacky' if the registry info was just right in the invite.

[Rosie]

It is cultural I'm sure about the gifts, but in our set/group/whatever you want to call it, telling someone what to get or give you is simply not done. Where someone is registered is never mentioned on a wedding invitation. The bride in question grew up in that kind of environment. I'm guessing it was future MIL who suggested it because I know the bride's mother didn't and is probably appalled.

The last wedding I went to there was a very small discreet basket on a table off to the side of the entrance for those people who wished to leave cards, checks, or gift cards. Some people choose to do that but that is their choice. Generally if the couple prefers cash or gift cards, they simply don't make a registry anywhere and the rest of us can take a hint.

This reflects my view and experience as well.

IMO, any choice that involves shilling for money - whether that is a "no box gifts" instruction; a dollar dance; a plate passed at the reception to collect for a honeymoon; a cutting up of the groom's tie for purchase by guests - is just rude, because it leverages the guests' presence at a celebration into a moneymaking opportunity. You can call it a "custom" or a "cultural practice," but IMO it is just rude.

[church_of_dog]

Or, to be really snarky, buy a nice gift that would go in a box. Photograph it, and write "This is what I got you to celebrate your wedding, but since you did not want items, I will keep it for myself! I will think of your happiness every time I use it!"

My style would be along the lines of a gift certificate to the UPS store, or other place that sells primarily… …boxes. :lol:

[micatite]

Or, to be really snarky, buy a nice gift that would go in a box. Photograph it, and write "This is what I got you to celebrate your wedding, but since you did not want items, I will keep it for myself! I will think of your happiness every time I use it!"

It makes me think of Monty Hall and Let's Make a Deal. Box 1, Box 2 or Box 3. One contains a diamond ring and eternal wedded bliss. Two contains a fabulous Hawaiian honeymoon vacation for you and your honey where you'll have the time of your lives. And oh, I'm sorry...you picked the Zonk! A live African Zonkey and a divorce inside a year! But it comes with a bonus. All your friends think you're a money grubber!!!

[Palimpsest]

Obviously weddings reflect cultural and regional norms. It is only when people go far outside the norms of their community for their wedding (big or small, expensive or frugal) that people get criticism for their chosen wedding style -- and usually that comes from other family members being disappointed, surprised or just plain catty, not friends and contemporaries of the B & G.

As a group, I think FJ has a lot to learn. Posters here seem remarkably uninformed about how to grab as many gifts as humanly possible, and how to bankrupt their wedding party with engagement gifts, showers that include 5 course dinners in posh hotels, destination bachelorette parties, incredibly expensive bridesmaid dresses, shoes, obligatory professional make-up and hair, and so on. I stumbled upon a couple of episodes of Bridezilla and am still in shock. :lol:

I'm amazed that no-one has brought up cover-your-plate yet. I've been informed in deadly seriousness that this is required "etiquette" for certain weddings. I was so glad to find out that cover-your-plate is a "pernicious myth."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle ... story.html

[Mama Mia]

Obviously weddings reflect cultural and regional norms. It is only when people go far outside the norms of their community for their wedding (big or small, expensive or frugal) that people get criticism for their chosen wedding style -- and usually that comes from other family members being disappointed, surprised or just plain catty, not friends and contemporaries of the B & G.

l

I think that first sentence is what is surprising to me. Wouldn't most people's communities include a range of cultures, customs and norms for weddings? So wouldn't people kind of expect to not always have weddings fit their expectations of what's normal or acceptable. I don't even think of my area or my experience as particularly diverse.....but I still frequently run across different customs involving weddings. For example, I'm not going to think the custom of putting cash in a red envelope is rude or tacky just because I didn't know about it. If I'm invited to a very formal wedding at a ritzy country club Im not going to be resentful because I have to buy or borrow something appropriate to wear because I generally don't need those type of clothes. If it's a long religious ceremony with no drinking or dancing I'm going to assume its because that's what's important to the couple.

[Palimpsest]

I think that first sentence is what is surprising to me. Wouldn't most people's communities include a range of cultures, customs and norms for weddings? So wouldn't people kind of expect to not always have weddings fit their expectations of what's normal or acceptable. I don't even think of my area or my experience as particularly diverse.....but I still frequently run across different customs involving weddings. For example, I'm not going to think the custom of putting cash in a red envelope is rude or tacky just because I didn't know about it. If I'm invited to a very formal wedding at a ritzy country club Im not going to be resentful because I have to buy or borrow something appropriate to wear because I generally don't need those type of clothes. If it's a long religious ceremony with no drinking or dancing I'm going to assume its because that's what's important to the couple.

It all depends on how homogenous your specific "community" is and what weddings you have been invited to along the way. Like you, I've been invited to many different weddings with many different cultures, customs and norms because my "community" is very diverse. I just go with the flow and truly enjoy the variety.

However, as I said upthread a way, I was gobsmacked when I was a) invited to the wedding of a 1st cousin once removed out of the blue (I wasn't invited to her mother's small wedding IIRC, we are not close to that family), and b) put on the B List of "evening guests" because, to me, that wasn't "tradition." I'm out of date, but it was still an etiquette no-no even in modern days to put an overseas guest on the B List! :D

Contrast that to my wedding long ago when we were trying to plan a Catholic/CofE ceremony in the UK without offending or shocking my future in-laws who had never been out of the States before, and had never attended a non-Catholic wedding previously. We jumped through hoops to explain things to them, get a dispensation, a priest at the ceremony to say a prayer, and so on. We did quite well because the only thing that shocked my MIL was that the bridesmaids followed me down the aisle, but they were all disappointed that we did not have a dinner dance, just an afternoon reception. OTOH, one of my uncles was apparently pissed as hell because the wedding featured a "non-Christian" Papist priest and walked out of Church! He wasn't missed at the reception.

It was probably good preparation for my in-laws because one of Mr P.'s cousins married a Hindu a few years later to the shock/horror of that very insular Catholic family. Not all Catholic families are that insular, but Mr P.'s certainly is! Once they were over the shock, the extended family mostly had a wonderful time at the 3 day Hindu wedding but some members weren't totally convinced that the couple were really married.

Cross-cultural "fusion" weddings seem to offend the most family members because you have religious differences, regional distances, conflicting customs, and different ideas of how big the party is and what it should cost. Family is one thing. Other people should just shut up with criticisms or not attend the wedding at all.

[OkToBeTakei]

Obviously weddings reflect cultural and regional norms. It is only when people go far outside the norms of their community for their wedding (big or small, expensive or frugal) that people get criticism for their chosen wedding style -- and usually that comes from other family members being disappointed, surprised or just plain catty, not friends and contemporaries of the B & G.

As a group, I think FJ has a lot to learn. Posters here seem remarkably uninformed about how to grab as many gifts as humanly possible, and how to bankrupt their wedding party with engagement gifts, showers that include 5 course dinners in posh hotels, destination bachelorette parties, incredibly expensive bridesmaid dresses, shoes, obligatory professional make-up and hair, and so on. I stumbled upon a couple of episodes of Bridezilla and am still in shock. :lol:

I'm amazed that no-one has brought up cover-your-plate yet. I've been informed in deadly seriousness that this is required "etiquette" for certain weddings. I was so glad to find out that cover-your-plate is a "pernicious myth."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle ... story.html

:lol:

I am learning. I watched two episodes of Four Weddings US. I think I may see why we cannot find common ground on some traditions. Of the 8 weddings 5 venues were outside at Golf clubs.

1. The R&A would have a bloody blue fit :lol:

2. IF the rain stopped long enough the type of clubhouse we have here is NOT like that.

3. MOST weddings are in some form of building, be it church, registry office or hotel. There is others but norm would be that per se.

Bars appear to be very different things which I suspected. As in I did not see one. Just a bloke pouring different drinks from a table. That is not a bar.

The sit down meals appeared to be different. I tend to think starter, main, dessert and coffee as a meal. With their being three choices of each or at least two with one vegetarian option. I have been to buffets but it tends to follow the same. I'm not surprised folks expect free drink if all you get is a main course which was what I saw on the show. ALTHOUGH one had an ice-cream machine. Another cupcakes and another smores, all of which I thought was pretty cool because you don't see it here.

As I've said I'm talking from a 'traditional' wedding standpoint as really you can, if you wish turn up in your jeans get married and go to McDonalds if you choose.

What is so weird about bridesmaids following you down the aisle? What on earth are they meant to do? :lol:

I will take your advice IF I ever do it :lol:

[Palimpsest]

:lol:

I am learning. I watched two episodes of Four Weddings US. I think I may see why we cannot find common ground on some traditions. Of the 8 weddings 5 venues were outside at Golf clubs.

1. The R&A would have a bloody blue fit :lol:

2. IF the rain stopped long enough the type of clubhouse we have here is NOT like that.

3. MOST weddings are in some form of building, be it church, registry office or hotel. There is others but norm would be that per se.

Bars appear to be very different things which I suspected. As in I did not see one. Just a bloke pouring different drinks from a table. That is not a bar.

The sit down meals appeared to be different. I tend to think starter, main, dessert and coffee as a meal. With their being three choices of each or at least two with one vegetarian option. I have been to buffets but it tends to follow the same. I'm not surprised folks expect free drink if all you get is a main course which was what I saw on the show. ALTHOUGH one had an ice-cream machine. Another cupcakes and another smores, all of which I thought was pretty cool because you don't see it here.

As I've said I'm talking from a 'traditional' wedding standpoint as really you can, if you wish turn up in your jeans get married and go to McDonalds if you choose.

What is so weird about bridesmaids following you down the aisle? What on earth are they meant to do? :lol:

I will take your advice IF I ever do it :lol:

OKTBT, I forbid you to call yourself a member of FJ until you have watched Meredith Alexander Hammer's wedding, JoshNAnna's wedding and DavidNPriscilla's wedding all the way through!

Surely you know that in a "real" wedding it is essential to have multiple babies in wagons, 27 bell ringers, several flower girls, ring bearers, one tiny Sheridan in a cut-down wedding gown complete with train, and eleventy!!111!! matching bridesmaids processing down the aisle in front of the bride!

They do not walk behind the bride! The bride makes an ENTRANCE before authority is transferred!

Then someone preaches about DEATH and they have light dessert receptions. But that is OK. If it is the cultural norm for that community. I stand by that!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Some cultures put more weight on massive weddings and generous gifts than others, and that is more than OK.

But there are definitely those who push all the boundaries of all cultural norms when it comes to greed. Blatant gift grab weddings do exist. They are not "culturally specific" at all and usually out of the cultural "community" norm. They are just crap people and in the minority!

You can usually see blatant gift grab weddings coming and just do not attend if you don't like them.

Signed,

Palimpsest

(who really wanted to elope but ended up with a bigger wedding than she wanted to appease the families!)

[Georgiana]

OKTBT, I forbid you to call yourself a member of FJ until you have watched Meredith Alexander Hammer's wedding, JoshNAnna's wedding and DavidNPriscilla's wedding all the way through!

Surely you know that in a "real" wedding it is essential to have multiple babies in wagons, 27 bell ringers, several flower girls, ring bearers, one tiny Sheridan in a cut-down wedding gown complete with train, and eleventy!!111!! matching bridesmaids processing down the aisle in front of the bride!

They do not walk behind the bride! The bride makes an ENTRANCE before authority is transferred!

Then someone preaches about DEATH and they have light dessert receptions. But that is OK. If it is the cultural norm for that community. I stand by that!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Some cultures put more weight on massive weddings and generous gifts than others, and that is more than OK.

But there are definitely those who push all the boundaries of all cultural norms when it comes to greed. Blatant gift grab weddings do exist. They are not "culturally specific" at all and usually out of the cultural "community" norm. They are just crap people and in the minority!

You can usually see blatant gift grab weddings coming and just do not attend if you don't like them.

Signed,

Palimpsest

(who really wanted to elope but ended up with a bigger wedding than she wanted to appease the families!)

I don't know where y'all are from, but around here, bridesmaids ALWAYS proceed the bride down the aisle.

Junior Bridesmaids MIGHT follow the bride to help with her veil/train if it is long, but usually they go in front as well. So this isn't really just a fundie thing.

And despite the y'all, I live in Washington, USA.

Edit: PS: the Royal Wedding photos totally confused me because I couldn't figure out why Pippa was following Kate!