Alyssa & John - light dessert reception.

[OkToBeTakei]

Weddings for my family is a HUGE thing. I come from a Hindu-Gujarati family, so when someone announces an engagement, it's a huge family affair. Our family reunions happen during weddings because everyone and anyone ends up showing up. Our "small" weddings are between 200-250, maybe 150, but that's rare. My future SIL's wedding had about 500 people. My cousin is getting married next month in Jamaica which caused a huge controversy in my family cos not many people are going since it's costly. He told me that those who love us will show up and that's all that matters. It honestly varies from couple to couple what kind of weddings they prefer. The biggest thing is that if there's no "proper" food, my family would cause an uproar. The 2 main things that people come for, besides family are: 1) good drinks and 2) good food. They don't care about how pretty the Mandap (the thing we sit in during the Hindu ceremony) or how the decorations are-just food and alcohol haha.

As for me, I prefer huge weddings because for us, it's not two souls coming together but rather 2 families coming together. My boyfriend's family and mine, constantly say how our families are continuously getting larger, so obviously a wedding is a huge reason to celebrate. Hindu ceremonies are usually a week long event, prior to the ceremony, with a bunch of prayers, mehndi (henna) night, Sangeet (dancing), etc. Since my family lives here now, a reception is included in the evening. It's a huge event. We shut down downtown Providence for one of my cousin's wedding during the groom's entrance because there were about 250 of my family alone, outside of the hotel, dancing with loud music.

I feel that the more who come, the better, because it's a celebration of two families coming together and I want everyone to celebrate the auspicious occasion with us.

At the same time, there's nothing wrong with having a small and private ceremony either. At the end of the day, a couple should do what they wish and people should respect that decision. It bothers me when other people take over and turn what should have been a small and intimate ceremony into a party or vice-versa when it should be what the bride and groom want. I know my friends will be overwhelmed with how many people will be attending my wedding whenever the Mr. proposes because our wedding is definitely going to be huge. It would not surprise me if there's at least 400 guests :)

I want to come to your wedding :lol:

That sounds fairly similar to my family. Even my niece's 21st lasted nearly 4 days!!!

[Coconut Flan]

All the comments on the money dance had me looking up the origin of it, as I don't think I have ever been to a wedding that didn't include it. According to Wikipedia, it started in Eastern Europe in the early 1900s and is popular in Mexico and the Philippines as well. Since every wedding I've ever been to has been in California, I'm thinking that it's standard in that state due to the large Mexican and Filipino populations. Just my random guess.

I don't think we can say it's a standard in California. I have yet to go to a wedding here that has had a money dance. One of my daughters went to one that did, but it was a common feature in the couple's ethnic heritage.

[ShesCrafty]

I don't think we can say it's a standard in California. I have yet to go to a wedding here that has had a money dance. One of my daughters went to one that did, but it was a common feature in the couple's ethnic heritage.

You're right, I phrased it incorrectly. I should have said it may be more common in California due to the larger ethnic diversity than there are in other states. Most of the weddings I've been to, at least one side of the couple's family was Hispanic, so that's probably skewing my view too :)

[twinmama]

I agree with the idea of simplicity for weddings and receptions. I don't know anyone who looked back and said "wow, I'm so glad I spent thousands on my wedding and wish I spent more" but that could just be my friends and family.

I had a big expensive wedding and 5 years later we still talk about how effing awesome it was! An entire long weekend of stuff, all of our friends and family, it was amazing. Delicious food, fantastic wine, gorgeous location. When we see friends from our wedding that we don't see often, they still mention it. Wedding snob here too. I don't "wish" we spent more, but I totally could have. It was the only time in our lives that we could have a huge party/family reunion/giant vacation and everyone was more than happy to help pay for it (meaning our parents paid for it).

[freethemall]

I had a big expensive wedding and 5 years later we still talk about how effing awesome it was! An entire long weekend of stuff, all of our friends and family, it was amazing. Delicious food, fantastic wine, gorgeous location. When we see friends from our wedding that we don't see often, they still mention it. Wedding snob here too. I don't "wish" we spent more, but I totally could have. It was the only time in our lives that we could have a huge party/family reunion/giant vacation and everyone was more than happy to help pay for it (meaning our parents paid for it).

It's important to remember it's all relative - I live in a metropolitan area where you have almost no choice in spending a lot on a wedding because there's an expensive wedding industry. Even a "simple" wedding can end up expensive compared to what a simple wedding costs somewhere else. I had a pretty expensive wedding and am so fortunate that my family could pay for it, and while I often wish I could've found more ways to make it cost less and DIY more things, I am still so happy with how it came out. Sometimes it feels like there's a lot of hate on these boards for a lot of modern wedding choices (I know the strapless-dress hate will resurface soon as Alyssa's wedding gets closer), and I wish there wasn't this hate towards people making choices to spend a lot of money on these things just because other people can't.

[Denim Jumper]

Personally, I didn't care, as long as it didn't cost too much. My MIL is still shocked by our un-Long-Island-Italian-Wedding

[Boogalou]

There was an interesting report on TV a while ago but I can't remember the show. It was something like Dateline or 20/20 or maybe something else entirely. Anyway, they were looking at wedding costs and they went undercover as a couple posing for wedding shopping looking at flowers, venues, etc. and getting prices. They then sent in another set of people looking for the same things but this time they said it was for an anniversary party, birthday, family reunion, etc. In the cases they showed there was a significant markup on everything when it was for a wedding. It was pretty interesting, and not particularly honest of the businesses.

I'm finding this thread really interesting to hear about the different wedding customs in various parts of the United States and elsewhere. It's interesting to see all the regional variation. I also enjoy watching a lot of the wedding shows on TV when I catch them. I remember SYTTD Big Day with Autumn and Sunny (I think?) mentioned upthread. It must be crazy to live a life where you can spend $50,000 on a chuppah and not even bat an eye. That's probably the most expensive wedding I've ever seen on TV.

[Dinaberries]

There was an interesting report on TV a while ago but I can't remember the show. It was something like Dateline or 20/20 or maybe something else entirely. Anyway, they were looking at wedding costs and they went undercover as a couple posing for wedding shopping looking at flowers, venues, etc. and getting prices. They then sent in another set of people looking for the same things but this time they said it was for an anniversary party, birthday, family reunion, etc. In the cases they showed there was a significant markup on everything when it was for a wedding. It was pretty interesting, and not particularly honest of the businesses.

This is true, and it's not just the US. I got married in Australia, and I had a fairly simple dress that only needed a minor alteration. I didn't mention to the alterations specialist that it was my wedding dress (although I thought it was obvious, since it was a floor length, ivory silk dress), and when I picked it up and mentioned that I was happy with the alterations and excited to wear the dress on my wedding day, the alterations specialist got upset and told me that I should have told her because she would have charged me a lot more! I asked her why, since it was just a hem and the occasion I was wearing the dress to wouldn't change the amount of work required. She said that things for weddings "just cost more".

[Coconut Flan]

There was a recent wedding in the family and the bride and groom didn't want to pay any wedding penalty if they could avoid it. The MOB called around and got prices for things for a party. Once the list had narrowed she called back to book things and if the price went up just because the event went from a party to a wedding, she went on to another vendor. She laughed and said one of the vendors backtracked when they realized they'd lose the business completely by charging double for the word wedding.

[freethemall]

That doesn't surprise me at all, and I wonder if there's any kind of justification for it - extra stress? Extra planning and time commitment? I just wonder if when asked if they would have a real reason to throw out, not just like the tailor saying "just because".

[Cheetah]

Do people really pass judgement on other people's weddings? I'm in my 50s and have been to a ton of weddings.

I have seriously never, ever heard ANYONE make any judgemental comments about a single one. Either at the wedding, or before or after or just gossiping in a mean way. I hear people talk about how they liked a particular dish that was served, or they liked the flowers, or that they loved some particular tradition that the couple included. The closest I've heard people come to a complaint is saying the venue was too hot for the time of year, or it was hard to find parking or the photographer was too pushy, but never anything negative about the wedding overall, or if it was tacky.

And I don't know people who are extra nice. Actually mostly they are fairly cynical and bitchy. But I just honestly haven't thought people would judge a wedding, because, well, why would you? Unless it's their own wedding ( or maybe your kids wedding), why would you care? Aren't the guests there just to celebrate the couple? I am honestly confused.

The only wedding I remember really complaining about (and mind you, amongst about 4 of us who were there, not to the bride or groom or their parents) was the one that was on New Years' Eve and was totally dry (and this facet had not been advertised in advance). Luckily for us lushes it was in a venue that had a bar down the hall, so we nipped out for a bit and then came back. While at the bar we also snarked about the unfortunate musical tribute written and performed by the bride's not-so-tuneful sister.

[nausicaa]

It's important to remember it's all relative - I live in a metropolitan area where you have almost no choice in spending a lot on a wedding because there's an expensive wedding industry. Even a "simple" wedding can end up expensive compared to what a simple wedding costs somewhere else. I had a pretty expensive wedding and am so fortunate that my family could pay for it, and while I often wish I could've found more ways to make it cost less and DIY more things, I am still so happy with how it came out. Sometimes it feels like there's a lot of hate on these boards for a lot of modern wedding choices (I know the strapless-dress hate will resurface soon as Alyssa's wedding gets closer), and I wish there wasn't this hate towards people making choices to spend a lot of money on these things just because other people can't.

This. There is a lot of judgement around weddings, and I find it actually comes most intensely from small wedding advocates (including on this thread).

I also read on a personal finance board and whenever weddings come up there is always the chorus of people saying how they got married for $100 in a sundress from Ross and with only good friends and homemade food, and how they are still married after X amount of years. The subtext (and sometimes just out right stated) seems to be that they are somehow more down to earth and more truly in love than people who had a large wedding. It comes off to me as an odd mixture of smugness and sour grapes.

Some people just want a big family reunion and a princess dress and a cake bigger than a toddler. And if you can pay for it and are happy, I say rock on with your bedazzled, spray-tanned self. I fully intend on eloping should the day ever come, but that's just my personal preference, it doesn't make me a deeper person or better than anyone who has a larger or more traditional wedding.

[Tangy Bee]

I know someone who had a dessert reception. She had cupcakes, dough nuts, and ice cream with tons of toppings to choose from! For drinks they had beer, milk, and water. Her mom didn't allow too many sweets while growing up. Trust me, she made up for it!

I know it's tradition for the bride's family to plan most of the wedding...but I hope John puts in a few bucks so their guests can have more than just cake. Hey how about some ice cream with all that cake :cracking-up:

[FloraKitty35]

Sounds like it could be fun. Have a good cake and Haagen Dazs (Dulce de Leche or Coffee).

[scc12]

They could even make homemade ice cream.my dad did that for my shower and everyone loved it.

[Earthshine]

I've noticed(in my day to day life) that complaints about large sums of money being spent on weddings are usually followed by examples of people who are: spending money they or their parents really can't afford to spend; or large amounts of money are spent without any thought on how to actually be married or have a lasting, healthy marriage. (Or a combination of both scenarios.) I think that is where the not-so-positive vibe is stemming from when someone starts talking about a pricey wedding. It's kind of like how some people get annoyed with the consumerism surrounding Christmas. People may sometimes forget the cultural significance behind important occasions and drop loads of cash in the process. Not trying to suggest anyone who spends money is automatically shallow-but that it does happen enough that people notice it.

[Mama Mia]

I will add that I've never heard people complain or be snotty about someone spending a huge amount on a wedding either.

Really, I thought the point of a wedding was to celebrate two people getting married, not bitch about food or customs or cost. And if you come across a tradition or type of wedding you've never seen, why would people assume it's somehow tacky...instead of just something you've never done.

[nausicaa]

I've noticed(in my day to day life) that complaints about large sums of money being spent on weddings are usually followed by examples of people who are: spending money they or their parents really can't afford to spend; or large amounts of money are spent without any thought on how to actually be married or have a lasting, healthy marriage. (Or a combination of both scenarios.) I think that's where the not-so-positive vibe is stemming from when someone starts talking about a pricey wedding. It's kind of like how some people get annoyed with the consumerism surrounding Christmas. People may sometimes forget the cultural significance behind important occasions and drop loads of cash in the process. Not trying to suggest anyone who spends money is automatically shallow-but that it does happen enough that people notice it.

Fair enough. I do agree that there are some people who focus too much on the wedding and not enough on the marriage, and definitely agree that there are a lot of people throwing weddings they can't afford. I just think that just because that might be true for some percentage of people doesn't mean that large wedding=bad people and small wedding=good people. It's a false dichotomy I see trotted out a lot, often by people who would be the first to call out stereotyping or judgement in any other form.

[ExLuther]

I think a wedding should be about the couples wishes and what they can afford. If you are told ahead of time that their will be a light desert reception and are invited because the couple cares enough about you to include than just go and celebrate their marriage. End of story. I do find it horrifying to run out of food if you are serving it.

[Mama Mia]

Yes, a wedding is supposed to make the bride and groom happy, but it is still a party and the conventions of hospitality still apply. Whether the hosts are throwing a party at their house or a ballroom, they have a duty to maintain a certain level of comfort for their guests. If the hosts are promising a meal and they run out of food or make it otherwise inconvenient for guests to get food, that's inexcusable to me.

My parents went to one wedding where the dinner was a pasta bar. A guest would pick out toppings and the pasta type they wanted, and a chef mixed them together in a saucepan. It's a cute idea for a party of maybe 20 people, but a terrible idea for a wedding of 100 people. My parents had to stand in line for 45 minutes to get dinner. By the end of the wait, they were exhausted and hungry. They couldn't just leave to find the closest store because they didn't feel comfortable doing that in an unfamiliar part of the city at night, and people might have considered THEM rude for bringing their own food.

If your hosts run out of food, or the air conditioning breaks down or they thought made to order pasta would be great and it turned out to be a nightmare, I would think their friends and family would assume it was a mistake and not some malicious attempt to make their guests miserable.

I would hate to have the kind of " friends" who find it inexcusable that something went wrong at an event that's meant to be a loving celebration.

[Chowder Head]

I had a small wedding in my parents yard with a few friends and family. My mom made the cakes (carrot) and we had some tidbits & punch. I believe a wedding should be about family , friends and love. That being said, if you are invited to a wedding , then smile, try to have fun, & celebrate the couple.

[YPestis]

This. There is a lot of judgement around weddings, and I find it actually comes most intensely from small wedding advocates (including on this thread).

I also read on a personal finance board and whenever weddings come up there is always the chorus of people saying how they got married for $100 in a sundress from Ross and with only good friends and homemade food, and how they are still married after X amount of years. The subtext (and sometimes just out right stated) seems to be that they are somehow more down to earth and more truly in love than people who had a large wedding. It comes off to me as an odd mixture of smugness and sour grapes.

Some people just want a big family reunion and a princess dress and a cake bigger than a toddler. And if you can pay for it and are happy, I say rock on with your bedazzled, spray-tanned self. I fully intend on eloping should the day ever come, but that's just my personal preference, it doesn't make me a deeper person or better than anyone who has a larger or more traditional wedding.

I wanted to say what you said, but you said it much more eloquently than I. :)

I have noted, at least on internet forums, that judgement tends to come most strongly from small wedding advocates. It may be that those that goes against societal trends feel more strongly about it, but this type of judgement also feels like it carries with it an undertone of smugness (and perhaps envy?).

It's stupid, really, because US society, in this day and age, accepts a whole range of weddings, from the intimate to the extravagant. Why feel smug about your wedding simply because it was small and inexpensive? As I stated before, hubby and I had one of those $25+ weddings without breaking the bank (or deterring us from buying a home, new car etc). Is our marriage less "true" because we spent more money on our weddings than others? Are couples who go against the traditional route "more in love"? I don't believe so. Hubby and I are about as much in love as any couple, and we have a strong marriage, despite having that fancy, smancy wedding.

I don't think weddings are indication of marriage longevity, but it's a rite of passage that many spend money on because it's an important day for them. I love hearing about different wedding traditions but I've learned, due to my own wedding planning experience, not to feel smug or anxious that others did something different with their weddings.

As I stated before, as long as the wedding is an reflection of the couple's taste and personality, and the guests are kept happy, and it doesn't break the bank, then it's a successful wedding!

[actuallyjessica]

my fiance are due to be married on friday, the 23rd of may (one day before alyssa & john!) - and our wedding is in the ballpark of $20,000... gulp, i guess we should prepare our divorce papers now?

[micatite]

This. There is a lot of judgement around weddings, and I find it actually comes most intensely from small wedding advocates (including on this thread).

I also read on a personal finance board and whenever weddings come up there is always the chorus of people saying how they got married for $100 in a sundress from Ross and with only good friends and homemade food, and how they are still married after X amount of years. The subtext (and sometimes just out right stated) seems to be that they are somehow more down to earth and more truly in love than people who had a large wedding. It comes off to me as an odd mixture of smugness and sour grapes.

Some people just want a big family reunion and a princess dress and a cake bigger than a toddler. And if you can pay for it and are happy, I say rock on with your bedazzled, spray-tanned self. I fully intend on eloping should the day ever come, but that's just my personal preference, it doesn't make me a deeper person or better than anyone who has a larger or more traditional wedding.

I'm the one who posted about my co-worker's cast of thousands wedding and it giving me the heebies. That's just me. I get it for her because she's got a huge family, none of whom can be left out without sustaining a fit of terminal dudgeon, and she's one of those naturally incredibly vivacious people who has friends everywhere. So her wedding is going to reflect those numbers. More power to her, and she knows my jewelry is available for her if she wants it (since I have a metric ton of special occasion dress-up wear.) It will be the grandest party ever (and financed on a shoestring since a lot of those friends and family are chipping in to repay her for all she's done for them over the years.)

I only commented that it wouldn't work for me. Mainly because I'm naturally much more introverted and prefer dealing with a very small group of people one on one.

Different strokes.

[OkToBeTakei]

I must be strange as I don't see 'judgement.' More comment as to what each individual poster likes/dislikes and is normal to them in a cultural manner.

Although saying

Some people just want a big family reunion and a princess dress and a cake bigger than a toddler. And if you can pay for it and are happy, I say rock on with your bedazzled, spray-tanned self. I fully intend on eloping

Is not exactly coming across as non-judgemental either? I hear a tinge of disdain. Maybe just me :lol:

I think the only time I would really get eye-rolly is if I meet a differing cultural tradition to the norm is when it is NOT part of either of the couple's culture. Just something they thought was cute. With that thought in mind if I saw a dollar dance in Scotland I would be fairly 'money grabbing mingers.' Unless of course it was within their culture then I'd think, wow wish I was Venezuelan :lol: