Jump to content
IGNORED

Alyssa & John - light dessert reception.


Justme

Recommended Posts

I was careful to say some sections of the south. The Appalachians and Atlanta for instance have very different social standards. Just as Miami and the panhandle of Florida are vastly different.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 309
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Isn't this a pretty common way for trends to "flip" with time, the lower classes imitating the upper classes?

Here as soon as a name is used by the Royal family you can be sure that it pops up on the equivalent to "16 and pregnant", and the "educated class" will stay a thousand miles away from it.

A certain brand is all the rage one year, the next people will bring home fakes from vacation and it will be seen as the hight of "tackiness" to own even a real Louis Vuitton bag or whatever.

Speaking of the Royal Family, the evening wedding parties the younger royals are indulging in have created a monster. We got a wedding invitation recently from family across the pond. I'd say reasonably well-off professional parents. The bride (last time I saw the dear girl) is annoying, petulant, spoiled and pretentious.

Glossy invitation. CoE Church wedding at 1:30 pm. Stately Home venue for reception. Appetizers from 2:30 pm. Sit-down wedding breakfast at from 3:30 pm. "Evening guests" from 7:00 pm for barbecue, dancing etc. Snacks served at midnight.

I called my SIL (not the MOB) and asked what "evening guests" were. She said the B list! We were on the B list! We declined, but did send a very small gift and card. :lol:

When I got married in the UK 30+ years ago it was more like the weddings in Four Weddings and a Funeral. The norm for church weddings was basically: Get married late morning or early afternoon, wedding ceremony lasted about 30 minutes, photos, lunch or afternoon tea reception at a hotel or in the church hall, more photos, talk to everyone, cut the cake, toss the bouquet, more photos, get into "going away" outfit, and leave for honeymoon in a shower of rice or confetti after 4 hours give or take !

Wedding guests went out to dinner afterwards with friends or family or went home. Most of our friends ended up getting plastered down the pub!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Isn't this a pretty common way for trends to "flip" with time, the lower classes imitating the upper classes?

Here as soon as a name is used by the Royal family you can be sure that it pops up on the equivalent to "16 and pregnant", and the "educated class" will stay a thousand miles away from it.

A certain brand is all the rage one year, the next people will bring home fakes from vacation and it will be seen as the hight of "tackiness" to own even a real Louis Vuitton bag or whatever.

I don't think weddings trends are flipped now so much as people have more choices. A century ago, only the rich could afford the fancy, nice wedding. Now, so can the lower classes due to the proliferation of credit!

Also, people are more individualistic about their wedding choices. It's no longer about what is proper and expected. No one "expects" a wealthy couple to do the big wedding anymore, so some opt for smaller affairs. No one expects poor people to do the courthouse thing, and if they have savings or access to credit cards, they can do the big wedding thing too. I don't see a "flipped" trend. I think what we are seeing is more options and a "do whatever you want" attitude.

What hasn't changed is the attitudes people have with regards to weddings. It's still about one-manupship. My family still compare every wedding they attend to with our wedding. I can't help but compare my own wedding to my friends', even it's just random musings.

Bigger weddings are easier to think of as a big show-off event. However, I think wedding one-manupship comes in all sizes. I see just as many snobs with the "small restrained" affairs as with the "giant glitzy" weddings. The difference is that those with smaller weddings like to pretend they are being modest and are above caring what may others think. Plenty of people brag about their tasteful and trendy small nuptials. I also hear smug remarks about idiots who spent money on large weddings (because, you see, they are above such crass things). I see people patting themselves on the back for going the cheaper route and smirking at those that spent more. Sounds to me like it's just another type of one-manupship.

When I hear about the "wedding industrial complex", it's not just about the money (if ever), it's about the attitude surrounding the wedding. Are you trying to impress people? Or just making sure they all have a good time? Are your guests people you want to share in your happy day? Or just a way to garner gifts? Is the wedding a reflection of your personality? Or a way to show off your social status?

Honestly, weddings should fulfill three criteria:

1. A ceremony and celebratory party that reflects the wishes of the bride and groom.

2. Happy guests who are entertained and not kept hungry or inconvenienced.

3. Within a manageable budget. (There's no hard number, but it should fit your finances, not break it.)

As long as you can fulfill all three, no one else should have any reason to look down on your wedding, or feel superior about their own weddings.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Speaking of the Royal Family, the evening wedding parties the younger royals are indulging in have created a monster. We got a wedding invitation recently from family across the pond. I'd say reasonably well-off professional parents. The bride (last time I saw the dear girl) is annoying, petulant, spoiled and pretentious.

Glossy invitation. CoE Church wedding at 1:30 pm. Stately Home venue for reception. Appetizers from 2:30 pm. Sit-down wedding breakfast at from 3:30 pm. "Evening guests" from 7:00 pm for barbecue, dancing etc. Snacks served at midnight.

I called my SIL (not the MOB) and asked what "evening guests" were. She said the B list! We were on the B list! We declined, but did send a very small gift and card. :lol:

When I got married in the UK 30+ years ago it was more like the weddings in Four Weddings and a Funeral. The norm for church weddings was basically: Get married late morning or early afternoon, wedding ceremony lasted about 30 minutes, photos, lunch or afternoon tea reception at a hotel or in the church hall, more photos, talk to everyone, cut the cake, toss the bouquet, more photos, get into "going away" outfit, and leave for honeymoon in a shower of rice or confetti after 4 hours give or take !

Wedding guests went out to dinner afterwards with friends or family or went home. Most of our friends ended up getting plastered down the pub!

If you are inviting guests who are coming from out of town, state, country... They are A - List. The MOB should know better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you are inviting guests who are coming from out of town, state, country... They are A - List. The MOB should know better.

Oh, it was a blatant gift grab! I'm sure they knew we wouldn't come - my brother's family didn't go either and they live quite close and made the A list. It was one of my cousin's daughters and I think the last time I saw her was at a funeral 7 or 8 years ago. As is quite common these days, the invitation came from Bride and Groom not the parents of the bride. The MOB possibly knew nothing about it.

However, you missed my etiquette point. While everyone has a mental A and B list when planning a wedding, I had no idea that it was now acceptable to have an "official" B List that is not good enough for the ceremony and sit-down meal, but is OK to invite for the evening barbeque. I must be very old-fashioned but I find that incredibly rude! Cut down on something else and invite everyone to the whole thing.

But the Royals have now made this acceptable. :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This might sound uncouth, but is there any polite way to invite someone who you know probably CAN'T come, but might be able to (I have a lot of friends who frequently visit from other provinces) if they're around the area at that time? Is there any polite way to invite them and make it clear that you don't want a gift?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree I've been invite the people for everything or not at all since the dearly departed Mr. Flan's cousin's marriage a year or so before our wedding. He made the cut but I didn't even though we were about to be engaged. I was not deemed appropriate for the ceremony but informally invited to drop by the reception (cake and punch). The excuse was that she needed to invite people who would giving an appropriate wedding gift. Yeah, I skipped both sending a gift and attending the reception.

Humorous aside, this was later alleged to be their second wedding. Turns out bridie was 2 months pregnant at the ceremony. The story passed around by her mother a few months later was that they had gotten married across the state line six months earlier and kept it quiet. It was her bad luck that the baby was truly a preemie so arrived less than six months after the ceremony.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This might sound uncouth, but is there any polite way to invite someone who you know probably CAN'T come, but might be able to (I have a lot of friends who frequently visit from other provinces) if they're around the area at that time? Is there any polite way to invite them and make it clear that you don't want a gift?

I'd invite them and then put a note in with the actual invitation indicating that their presence is all the gift you want from them if they should be in the area at the time of the wedding. I know that most, if not all etiquette books will tell you it's tacky to have any mention of gifts on the invitation, but I think it would be fine in this case.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I always do "Please no presents, just your presence" in invitations. For my wedding last year, I didn't use it. We didn't need anything so we didn't have a registry, thus no registry card in the invitation. When people asked about a registry I just said "No, we don't have one, we have everything we need and just want the reception to be about having fun with our friends."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good for them. It seems like a nice way to keep costs down while being able to have a large guest list.

I come from an area of the country where weddings are huge and very expensive. It's not unusual for couples to spend over $25,000.

My husband and I didn't have a lot of money when we got married so we had a brunch instead of a dinner. A lot of our non-Christian relatives gossiped about us for months afterward b/c they thought it was tacky, especially since we didn't serve alcohol (partly b/c our church frowned on it and partly to save money).

I would love it if my kids are OK with simple receptions when they get married. Expensive parties are such a waste of money IMO.

Maybe your tacky relatives should let the British monarchy know that they find a brunch style after wedding meal tacky since that is the royal tradition over there (it is called a "wedding breakfast" but it is at brunch time).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wedding complaints goes both ways. It's too cheap, people get snooty, it's too expensive, people get snooty. I think people in general like to judge each other on common rites of passage: natural vs epidural, cloth vs disposable, private vs public schools etc. In today's society, we have so many choices that we can't help but compare ourselves to others (and vice versa).

I had a traditional, "expensive" wedding (it was $20k+). We got really great reviews for our wedding. Food was great and plentiful. Music was awesome. Decorations and reception site also got excellent kudos. There wasn't anything to complain about.

I think with weddings, it doesn't matter how one does it, people will pass judgment. What I learned is the only thing couples can do is plan a wedding that makes them happy, keeps their guests satisfied, and come under a reasonable budget.

Do people really pass judgement on other people's weddings? I'm in my 50s and have been to a ton of weddings. The fanciest had the ceremony at a gorgeous church, the reception was at a very fancy hotel with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, expensive meal, open bar, cake that probably cost more than a mortgage payment, etc... I've also been to lots of weddings at parks with a potluck picnic reception. I've been to a million weddings somewhere in-between in expense and formality and with various traditions. Some have chocolate fountains. Most have a money dance. Some are buffets, some were sit down dinners, some were just cake. Some had alcohol and / or dancing, some didn't. I've been to non-religious, Baptist, Catholic, Jewish and Wiccan weddings ( and many more )

I have seriously never, ever heard ANYONE make any judgemental comments about a single one. Either at the wedding, or before or after or just gossiping in a mean way. I hear people talk about how they liked a particular dish that was served, or they liked the flowers, or that they loved some particular tradition that the couple included. The closest I've heard people come to a complaint is saying the venue was too hot for the time of year, or it was hard to find parking or the photographer was too pushy, but never anything negative about the wedding overall, or if it was tacky.

And I don't know people who are extra nice. Actually mostly they are fairly cynical and bitchy. But I just honestly haven't thought people would judge a wedding, because, well, why would you? Unless it's their own wedding ( or maybe your kids wedding), why would you care? Aren't the guests there just to celebrate the couple? I am honestly confused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do people really pass judgement on other people's weddings? I'm in my 50s and have been to a ton of weddings. The fanciest had the ceremony at a gorgeous church, the reception was at a very fancy hotel with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, expensive meal, open bar, cake that probably cost more than a mortgage payment, etc... I've also been to lots of weddings at parks with a potluck picnic reception. I've been to a million weddings somewhere in-between in expense and formality and with various traditions. Some have chocolate fountains. Most have a money dance. Some are buffets, some were sit down dinners, some were just cake. Some had alcohol and / or dancing, some didn't. I've been to non-religious, Baptist, Catholic, Jewish and Wiccan weddings ( and many more )

I have seriously never, ever heard ANYONE make any judgemental comments about a single one. Either at the wedding, or before or after or just gossiping in a mean way. I hear people talk about how they liked a particular dish that was served, or they liked the flowers, or that they loved some particular tradition that the couple included. The closest I've heard people come to a complaint is saying the venue was too hot for the time of year, or it was hard to find parking or the photographer was too pushy, but never anything negative about the wedding overall, or if it was tacky.

And I don't know people who are extra nice. Actually mostly they are fairly cynical and bitchy. But I just honestly haven't thought people would judge a wedding, because, well, why would you? Unless it's their own wedding ( or maybe your kids wedding), why would you care? Aren't the guests there just to celebrate the couple? I am honestly confused.

At every wedding I've been to that didn't have an open bar, I've heard people openly complaining about it, especially when somebody goes up expecting it to be open bar, and they're told that they will have to pay for the drinks. I also went to a wedding for a family friend who is a total cheapskate, and she had a buffet reception but must have catered for less than half of the guest list because the food ran out before most of the people got the chance to make a plate. A LOT of people were loudly complaining and many of them left. I've also been to weddings where people snarked on the bride's dress, the food, the music, the fact that the reception ended too early, etc. At my own wedding, my husband's high school friends complained about our music because they wanted more 80s music and stuff like Nutbush. I think I've been to more weddings where people complained than weddings where people didn't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^ This seriously makes me want to elope if I ever get married. People are the worst.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At every wedding I've been to that didn't have an open bar, I've heard people openly complaining about it, especially when somebody goes up expecting it to be open bar, and they're told that they will have to pay for the drinks. I also went to a wedding for a family friend who is a total cheapskate, and she had a buffet reception but must have catered for less than half of the guest list because the food ran out before most of the people got the chance to make a plate. A LOT of people were loudly complaining and many of them left. I've also been to weddings where people snarked on the bride's dress, the food, the music, the fact that the reception ended too early, etc. At my own wedding, my husband's high school friends complained about our music because they wanted more 80s music and stuff like Nutbush. I think I've been to more weddings where people complained than weddings where people didn't.

Wow, I really can't imagine people doing that :shock: . I thought people meant judging how the wedding and reception went after the wedding, or during the planning, and thought that was bad enough. But at the actual event? Loudly ? That's about the rudest thing I've ever heard of. And I don't get why? I mean the wedding is suppose to make the bride and groom happy, right? And while I can see that running short of food would be irritating, no one is going to actually starve without eating for a few hours, and if they are that hungry couldn't they just go buy a snack at the closest store and come back. The only halfway acceptable thing in that list I could see is if people are nicely saying that they wish the reception didn't end so soon because it's such a lovely event, and then leaving. That's so strange that this is considered acceptable behavior. Yikes!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^ This seriously makes me want to elope if I ever get married. People are the worst.

I totally understand wanting to elope, but at least in my case, I think everything would have been fine if we had been a lot more selective with our guest list. I had a beautiful wedding, but I sometimes regret that we had certain people there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow,re: rude wedding guests,it seems like a lot of ppl nowadays consider a wedding reception to be a big party they are invited to, and that it should be catered to their own tastes,not a celebration of the bride n groom.I think ppl like that should just throw their own party and stay away from weddings!

In cases where ppl leave the reception early....I have seen this done a lot of times when the in-laws don't like the new bride or groom.It's like it's their way of giving them the middle finger.tacky.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe your tacky relatives should let the British monarchy know that they find a brunch style after wedding meal tacky since that is the royal tradition over there (it is called a "wedding breakfast" but it is at brunch time).

Actually, 'wedding breakfast' is just the name for the first meal after the ceremony, so is usually late afternoon or early evening. It's not brunch style, either, but a formal sit down dinner, no breakfast foods in sight!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow,re: rude wedding guests,it seems like a lot of ppl nowadays consider a wedding reception to be a big party they are invited to, and that it should be catered to their own tastes,not a celebration of the bride n groom.I think ppl like that should just throw their own party and stay away from weddings!

Yeah, that's exactly what I think it is and I completely agree with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Speaking of the Royal Family, the evening wedding parties the younger royals are indulging in have created a monster. We got a wedding invitation recently from family across the pond. I'd say reasonably well-off professional parents. The bride (last time I saw the dear girl) is annoying, petulant, spoiled and pretentious.

Glossy invitation. CoE Church wedding at 1:30 pm. Stately Home venue for reception. Appetizers from 2:30 pm. Sit-down wedding breakfast at from 3:30 pm. "Evening guests" from 7:00 pm for barbecue, dancing etc. Snacks served at midnight.

I called my SIL (not the MOB) and asked what "evening guests" were. She said the B list! We were on the B list! We declined, but did send a very small gift and card. :lol:

When I got married in the UK 30+ years ago it was more like the weddings in Four Weddings and a Funeral. The norm for church weddings was basically: Get married late morning or early afternoon, wedding ceremony lasted about 30 minutes, photos, lunch or afternoon tea reception at a hotel or in the church hall, more photos, talk to everyone, cut the cake, toss the bouquet, more photos, get into "going away" outfit, and leave for honeymoon in a shower of rice or confetti after 4 hours give or take !

Wedding guests went out to dinner afterwards with friends or family or went home. Most of our friends ended up getting plastered down the pub!

Customs change, and what's considered rude changes. I've lived in the UK all my life (I'm in my late 20s) and in my experience it is completely normal and expected to have an evening reception with 'evening guests'. It isn't rude at all in most cases, and I've never heard anyone complain about only being invited to the evening unless they were people who REALLY should have been invited to the whole thing (close friends or family). It's standard to have only family and close friends at the ceremony and afternoon reception because of space/financial issues, then invite a wider circle of friends to help celebrate in the evening. For most people it isn't a snub only to be invited to the evening, it's an acknowledgement that the bride and groom still want the honour of your presence despite not having enough space/money to invite you to the ceremony and afternoon reception. When I get invitations to evening reception only, or ceremony and evening reception only, I'm flattered that the couple still want to celebrate with me despite not being financially well-off enough to invite me to the sit-down meal. 'Evening guests' tend to be acquaintances who the couple still want to see but who would not normally have been invited at all under the old system you mention (in which there wasn't an evening reception).

In your particular case, yes I think it was rude and tacky of the bride only to invite you to the evening - because you'd have been travelling from a different country. Obviously out-of-country guests should be invited to the whole day. You were right to be offended.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest LilaFowler

I'm not judging anyone or knocking anyone's traditions or culture, but it's nice to get a plate of food (not just dessert) at a wedding reception. It doesn't have to be fancy food either. I'd love a BBQ reception at someone's house. Hamburgers, barbecue, potato salad, and some cake would be nice.

Let me just add that I would not complain if a wedding reception was dessert only, and people are allowed, of course, to make whatever choices they want for their own weddings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my cousin had a pig pickin' and I thought that was a great idea.not something everyone would want to do,but it might work for some.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

are there any churches nowadays where alcohol is permitted? the usual reason for not having a church reception is bc they don't allow alcohol on the premises.Ok,I can understand that to some degree.but I thought maybe some might be more up to par these days? I mean,I really don't think Jesus turned water into grape juice! jw.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, I really can't imagine people doing that :shock: . I thought people meant judging how the wedding and reception went after the wedding, or during the planning, and thought that was bad enough. But at the actual event? Loudly ? That's about the rudest thing I've ever heard of. And I don't get why? I mean the wedding is suppose to make the bride and groom happy, right? And while I can see that running short of food would be irritating, no one is going to actually starve without eating for a few hours, and if they are that hungry couldn't they just go buy a snack at the closest store and come back. The only halfway acceptable thing in that list I could see is if people are nicely saying that they wish the reception didn't end so soon because it's such a lovely event, and then leaving. That's so strange that this is considered acceptable behavior. Yikes!

Yes, a wedding is supposed to make the bride and groom happy, but it is still a party and the conventions of hospitality still apply. Whether the hosts are throwing a party at their house or a ballroom, they have a duty to maintain a certain level of comfort for their guests. If the hosts are promising a meal and they run out of food or make it otherwise inconvenient for guests to get food, that's inexcusable to me.

My parents went to one wedding where the dinner was a pasta bar. A guest would pick out toppings and the pasta type they wanted, and a chef mixed them together in a saucepan. It's a cute idea for a party of maybe 20 people, but a terrible idea for a wedding of 100 people. My parents had to stand in line for 45 minutes to get dinner. By the end of the wait, they were exhausted and hungry. They couldn't just leave to find the closest store because they didn't feel comfortable doing that in an unfamiliar part of the city at night, and people might have considered THEM rude for bringing their own food.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

that sounds like a wedding planner or catering problem.like someone didn't ask the right q's.

usually a good planner will have good caterers in mind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Punch and cake receptions at the church were the norm in my area and socioeconomic class (lower middle). I've only ever been to two wedding receptions that had more food than that in my entire life (I'm about to turn 45). I grew up in TN.

When I watch all this "venue" stuff with the dinners and the table settings and the dancing and the flowing alcohol on shows like SYTTD Big Day it just blows me away. All I can think is "down payment on a house" (or a paid for in cash huge house, in the case of Sonny and Autumn or Kelly Dooley). I realize it's the norm in many areas, but when in Rome and all that. We did what was the norm for us and what we could afford. The biggest part of our wedding budget other than my dress was spent on the musicians for the ceremony, because I was raised by two professional musicians, I love good music and that was what was important to me.

We had a traditional white frosted wedding cake (but carrot cake because it was my favorite, yum), a chocolate fudge groom's cake baked by my best friend, delicious punch, and a little buffet line of fresh fruits and cheeses, with chocolate for dipping the fruit (no fountain). And punch. The ceremony was at 2:30 in the afternoon, so reception around 3. Everyone was gone by 4:45 or so.

I have to admit the thought of "entertaining" my wedding guests is foreign to me. I invited only people who were very close to me, my family or my husband (only about 80 total including the wedding party) to share in what was a sacred occasion for us, and the most important day of our lives. We were not there to "party", we were there to get married. Different strokes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.




×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.