Maxwell 57: Planning Mary's Wedding

[SassyPants]

7 minutes ago, Caroline said:

This so me too. I detest dressing up and hate weddings in particular. We declined an invitation to a black tie wedding that is going to last three days because of all the before and after parties. We don't want to spend money on all the clothes and are planning to trips this summer that we've been looking forward to for a year. Having to go to that wedding would have blown our budget. The young people getting married have oodles of money and so do all their attendants and most of their guests. We do not and can't justify the expense. My friends think I'm nuts because they love that kind of thing. 

We eloped, and I sincerely hope that my daughter considers that option if she decides to marry.

 

Ours did a courthouse wedding-

[JermajestyDuggar]

47 minutes ago, Caroline said:

This so me too. I detest dressing up and hate weddings in particular. We declined an invitation to a black tie wedding that is going to last three days because of all the before and after parties. We don't want to spend money on all the clothes and are planning to trips this summer that we've been looking forward to for a year. Having to go to that wedding would have blown our budget. The young people getting married have oodles of money and so do all their attendants and most of their guests. We do not and can't justify the expense. My friends think I'm nuts because they love that kind of thing. 

We eloped, and I sincerely hope that my daughter considers that option if she decides to marry.

 

My husband and I had a fairly small wedding. Less than 100. But it was still very stressful for me. I’ve always said I would never get married again. Especially since I’m happy in my marriage. But if somehow someone talked me into it (they wouldn’t) it would be a courthouse type wedding. 

[Xan]

2 hours ago, Caroline said:

This so me too. I detest dressing up and hate weddings in particular.

Thank you.  I hate them too.  When I say things like that in real life, I tend to get funny looks but I'm not very social and big, formal events are major stressors for me.  I even donated all of my dresses and heels the last time I moved.  If I can't go wearing nice slacks and a dressy top, I just don't go.  (Don't even get me started on what I think of funerals.)

@Loveday - I love the hash tag.  I'm definitely going to start using it.     #introvertsunitebutonlyiftheydon'thavetogettogether

My feeling about Teri's dress was that, if I were her, I'd probably just have the one dress too.  And I don't know how much Steve controls the clothing budget.  Maybe he didn't feel that weddings for his escaping daughters warranted the outlay for new dresses for Teri.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Xan

[danvillebelle]

10 hours ago, SassyPants said:

Ours did a courthouse wedding-

YES.  Our son and DIL showed up at our house and announced they were married.  They were married by a friend who is a judge, with their respective best friends as witnesses, wearing nice street clothes.  I continue to tell them it's one of the greatest gifts they've ever given us. 😁

[Hane]

I like weddings, but have been taken aback by the excesses of two I recently attended (daughters of my cousin). Video taken by drone, reception with signature cocktails and a dozen food stations (seafood, pasta, pizza, sushi, etc. etc. etc.), a full sit-down dinner, special effects during the couple’s first dance (fog machine and light show), photo booth, and myriad dessert tables after the cake cutting. I have no idea how they afforded this, as none of the people involved are anywhere near wealthy.

One family I know had the right idea, some fifty years ago: The bride’s father offered a choice between a full-tilt wedding and the down payment on a house. They had a small, intimate wedding and were able to buy à reasonably priced home.

[SassyPants]

36 minutes ago, Hane said:

I like weddings, but have been taken aback by the excesses of two I recently attended (daughters of my cousin). Video taken by drone, reception with signature cocktails and a dozen food stations (seafood, pasta, pizza, sushi, etc. etc. etc.), a full sit-down dinner, special effects during the couple’s first dance (fog machine and light show), photo booth, and myriad dessert tables after the cake cutting. I have no idea how they afforded this, as none of the people involved are anywhere near wealthy.

One family I know had the right idea, some fifty years ago: The bride’s father offered a choice between a full-tilt wedding and the down payment on a house. They had a small, intimate wedding and were able to buy à reasonably priced home.

That’s what we offered- they took the money and now own a home outright (not in US), but it’s a beautiful home.

[HeartsAFundie]

1 hour ago, Hane said:

I like weddings, but have been taken aback by the excesses of two I recently attended (daughters of my cousin). Video taken by drone, reception with signature cocktails and a dozen food stations (seafood, pasta, pizza, sushi, etc. etc. etc.), a full sit-down dinner, special effects during the couple’s first dance (fog machine and light show), photo booth, and myriad dessert tables after the cake cutting. I have no idea how they afforded this, as none of the people involved are anywhere near wealthy.

One family I know had the right idea, some fifty years ago: The bride’s father offered a choice between a full-tilt wedding and the down payment on a house. They had a small, intimate wedding and were able to buy à reasonably priced home.

My sister and husband attended their friends' daughter's wedding last summer. It was in a mansion in MA's North Shore and all the stops were pulled out including after-parties and paid hotel rooms for the guests.  The total cost for this shindig was over 100K.  Yes, the parents could well afford it but yikes! That was almost the entire cost of my house!

Or you could be like my cousin, who while three sheets to the wind at his daughter's wedding reception, ran his mouth to me about how right before the big day, his wife called him crying from the venue...they needed another 15K to cover all the recently added upgrades, including the all-night open bar with the highest-end liquor available.  He told me he was crying upon leaving the bank after transferring the money over to the checking account to pay all of this off. Oh, and all of this was to keep up with the more affluent in-laws.  The groom's dad was apparently a dentist with a successful practice.  So, no way was my cousin's keep-up-with-the-Joneses wife going to let these folks think the bride's parents were cheapskates! 

My son and his girlfriend have already been forewarned should they reach this point of commitment in their relationship.  We will help however we can, but going into hock to assist with financing a big-budget extravaganza is off the table for us.  Since when did costumes and photo booths, DJs AND live bands,  live animals, ice cream sundae and whoopie pie bars, hired entertainment for the children and (this one is free but bugs me) half-hour wedding party toasts to the bride and groom resembling celebrity roasts or really bad stand-up comedy suddenly become wedding reception prerequisites?  In my world, a one-hour open bar is a treat!     

And this is free too, but another wedding peeve of mine is the DJ slicing up main dance songs to pieces.  A father-daughter or mother-son dance is reduced to 10 seconds and maybe one verse.  Seriously?  If my son gets married we will dance to the whole song, not an abridged version (He has been warned on that one too. 😊).  Especially if I am helping to foot the bill.  

Edited June 14, 2023 by HeartsAFundie

[JermajestyDuggar]

20 minutes ago, HeartsAFundie said:

My sister and husband attended their friends' daughter's wedding last summer. It was in a mansion in MA's North Shore and all the stops were pulled out including after-parties and paid hotel rooms for the guests.  The total cost for this shindig was 100K.  Yes, the parents could well afford it but yikes! That was almost the entire cost of my house!

Or you could be like my cousin, who while three sheets to the wind at his daughter's wedding reception, ran his mouth to me about how right before the big day, his wife called him crying from the venue...they needed another 15K to cover all the upgrades, including the all-night open bar with the highest-end liquor available.  He told me he was crying upon leaving the bank after transferring the money over to the checking account to pay all of this off. Oh, and all of this was to keep up with the more affluent in-laws.  The groom's dad was apparently a dentist with a successful practice.  So, no way was my cousin's keep-up-with-the-Joneses wife going to let these folks think the bride's parents were cheapskates! 

My son and his girlfriend have already been forewarned should they reach this point of commitment in their relationship.  We will help however we can, but going into hock to assist with financing a big-budget extravaganza is off the table for us.  Since when did costumes and photo booths, DJs AND live bands,  live animals, ice cream sundae and whoopie pie bars, hired entertainment for the children and (this one is free but bugs me) half-hour wedding party toasts to the bride and groom resembling celebrity roasts or really bad stand-up comedy suddenly become wedding reception prerequisites?  In my world, a one-hour open bar is a treat!     

And this is free too, but another wedding peeve of mine is the DJ slicing up main dance songs to pieces.  A father-daughter or mother-son dance is reduced to 10 seconds and maybe one verse.  Seriously?  If my son gets married we will dance to the whole song, not an abridged version (He has been warned on that one too. 😊).  Especially if I am helping to foot the bill.  

Thankfully that sounds nothing like the most recent wedding I attended. But the bride was 40 and it was her second wedding. So it was laid back. How I like it. I’m guessing first weddings are usually bigger and crazier than second weddings. 

[GreenBeans]

We had a very small courthouse wedding with only parents and siblings, 10-12 people basically, getting married and then eating out together to celebrate.

We kind of thought we’d have a big garden party with extended family and friends in the summer, but then Covid hit, and at some point we didn’t really care anymore.

But we’d been together more than 10 years at this point and mostly got married for practical/legal/tax reasons anyway.

[Nothing if not critical]

13 minutes ago, GreenBeans said:

We had a very small courthouse wedding with only parents and siblings, 10-12 people basically, getting married and then eating out together to celebrate.

We kind of thought we’d have a big garden party with extended family and friends in the summer, but then Covid hit, and at some point we didn’t really care anymore.

But we’d been together more than 10 years at this point and mostly got married for practical/legal/tax reasons anyway.

Same here! Very small courthouse wedding, lovely relaxing day, delicious dinner. We ended up having the big garden party with friends for our tenth anniversary, and it was perfect! Can highly recommend.

I know it's cultural and all, and if you enjoy that kind of thing,  you do you. But the whole American concept of a huge, perfectly styled and colour-coordinated wedding is so alien to me. Sounds like far too much stress and expense for very little reward, tbh.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Nothing if not critical

[SassyPants]

21 minutes ago, GreenBeans said:

We had a very small courthouse wedding with only parents and siblings, 10-12 people basically, getting married and then eating out together to celebrate.

We kind of thought we’d have a big garden party with extended family and friends in the summer, but then Covid hit, and at some point we didn’t really care anymore.

But we’d been together more than 10 years at this point and mostly got married for practical/legal/tax reasons anyway.

This would have been my dream wedding!

[HeartsAFundie]

29 minutes ago, SassyPants said:

This would have been my dream wedding!

Knowing now what I knew then, I should have eloped.  

[GreenBeans]

48 minutes ago, SassyPants said:

This would have been my dream wedding!

It was really nice, very low key and just right for us. Also, looking back, it was actually pretty good for a 2020 wedding, considering it was before the lockdown. We didn’t know at the time obviously, but just a couple weeks later even our small wedding wouldn’t have been possible anymore, so we were lucky.

[treemom]

My son eloped.  I told them to do what they wanted and then contributed to their 3 week honeymoon in France.  I’m cat sitting while they do that.

 

My daughter in law, who I adore, is in med school and trying to plan a wedding in med school wasn’t worth it at the end of the day.  My son is a college professor now (I can’t believe it and I bet some old timers also can’t believe it!) and has a second job so they didn’t want to spend their limited time being project planners.

[theologygeek]

4 hours ago, treemom said:

My son is a college professor now (I can’t believe it and I bet some old timers also can’t believe it!) 

No he is not!  How did that even happen???  I feel old.  lol  

[molecule]

My two married kids wed during covid, so neither of them had the kind of extravagant wedding I abhor. One kid did a socially distanced and scaled down church wedding with pizza and cupcakes during the reception. The other did a very small wedding at the lakeside cottage of their spouse, conducted by a childhood friend who had an internet minister license. My kid served hard apple cider beforehand and we were all a little buzzed during the service. I expect my third kid (who is living with the partner and their new baby) to do a courthouse wedding and tell me after the fact.

[RachelDM]

On 6/13/2023 at 11:18 AM, Melissa1977 said:

Speculation bus on he road: I have the feeling that Teri is content with her new life. She's enjoying an empty house, which she probably whished for years. Two girls are married to nice Christian guys. The other has a fullfilling college life. It's all average conservative middle class, which was Teri life before falling in the cultish hole.

Totally agree, though I bet she would like a slightly smaller house to have to clean. Those are a lot of cabinet fronts to clean all by yourself! But I'm sure they intend on keeping this one in the hopes of still hosting large family gatherings. Though I do wonder how many times they'll be able to get every extended family there all at once in the future. 🤔

[fundiewatch]

I wonder if in the future Steve and Terri will sell their home to Christopher and Anna Marie. He bought the original mothership and it’s got to be getting full. 

[nokidsmom]

On 6/13/2023 at 8:22 PM, JermajestyDuggar said:

My husband and I had a fairly small wedding. Less than 100. But it was still very stressful for me. I’ve always said I would never get married again. Especially since I’m happy in my marriage. But if somehow someone talked me into it (they wouldn’t) it would be a courthouse type wedding. 

Mr. No and I had around the same number of people.  Not the big blowout that my sister had years later but it was very stressful to the point that when we went to get our marriage license, when we saw the couples lined up outside the courtrooms to get married, I turned to Mr. No and said "these guys have the right idea".

Looking back, I would have done either courthouse or a very small wedding with just immediate family.  Then do some kind of casual reception later for the rest of family and friends. 

[Bethy]

I agree that weddings have gotten kind of out of control with some of the things @Hane and @HeartsAFundie have described. But I feel like there's some middle ground between that and the bland nothingness that a lot of fundie wedding receptions are. Like Christopher and NR-Anna's wedding where people literally drove to Seattle, got to sit through a death sermon, and got a little square of plain white cake at the reception. I know we snarked on Chelsy's taco soup reception, but at least all the people who spent days in the car driving through questionable weather to be there on Chelsy and John's special day got some hot food.

3 hours ago, fundiewatch said:

I wonder if in the future Steve and Terri will sell their home to Christopher and Anna Marie. He bought the original mothership and it’s got to be getting full. 

Other than having a little more basement space, Christopher wouldn't gain anything by taking over the fathership. It's the same floor plan as Christopher's house, just flipped, and with the walk-out basement upgrade, and Steve and Teri's "crew" lived there quite happily for over a year with seven mostly-grown children at home. If Christopher got the fathership he wouldn't likely gain any significant living space.

I wondered at one point if John and Chelsy might end up with the fathership, as they have a basic split foyer like Joe and Elissa started out in, but their quiver may be as full as it's going to get, so the fathership would likely be more house than they'd need. Not sure if Nate and Mel would be wanting the fathership when it becomes available - their house looks like a basic split foyer in the "bringing home baby" posts from years back, but if you look at it on Google Maps satellite view, it's clearly got an addition on the back that makes it much more house than what John and Chelsy have.

4 hours ago, RachelDM said:

Totally agree, though I bet she would like a slightly smaller house to have to clean. Those are a lot of cabinet fronts to clean all by yourself! But I'm sure they intend on keeping this one in the hopes of still hosting large family gatherings. Though I do wonder how many times they'll be able to get every extended family there all at once in the future. 🤔

I wonder if their emptier nest and the inevitability that GiGi isn't going to live forever would make Teri want to move into GiGi's house? I know at one point we speculated that maybe Sarah would move in there (or that she already had) but she's in Oklahoma now. Anna is the only single Maxkid now, and I'm not sure I see her moving back to Leavenworth permanently.

[Maggie Mae]

On 6/14/2023 at 1:03 PM, treemom said:

My daughter in law, who I adore, is in med school and trying to plan a wedding in med school wasn’t worth it at the end of the day.  My son is a college professor now (I can’t believe it and I bet some old timers also can’t believe it!) and has a second job so they didn’t want to spend their limited time being project planners.

Thank you for making me feel old af. 

[Maggie Mae]

On 6/14/2023 at 6:55 AM, Hane said:

I like weddings, but have been taken aback by the excesses of two I recently attended (daughters of my cousin). Video taken by drone, reception with signature cocktails and a dozen food stations (seafood, pasta, pizza, sushi, etc. etc. etc.), a full sit-down dinner, special effects during the couple’s first dance (fog machine and light show), photo booth, and myriad dessert tables after the cake cutting. I have no idea how they afforded this, as none of the people involved are anywhere near wealthy.

As a person who dabbles in corporate event planning, some of this doesn't sound that excessive. I ALWAYS recommend signature cocktails for people who want an open bar. It makes it easier to plan/purchase alcohol (and glasswear) and gives suggestions to people who don't normally drink. Drones and photobooths aren't that expensive, a lot of places already have fog machines and lights, and if you are friends with a DJ you can get them to donate their services/discount it heavily if you get people to help set up.

I don't know why someone would do food stations/buffet and a plated meal. How long is this wedding? Or was it like apps during a cocktail hour/photographs? 

SO much food is wasted at big events. I hate it so much. 

In my area catering is always the biggest expense, then venue, then all the other stuff (centerpieces, pipe & drape, photography, photobooths, etc.) Oh and the event planner which is a huge waste of money if you are at all organized and don't need someone to build decorations for you and enjoy being busy. 

1 hour ago, Bethy said:

But I feel like there's some middle ground between that and the bland nothingness that a lot of fundie wedding receptions are. Like Christopher and NR-Anna's wedding where people literally drove to Seattle, got to sit through a death sermon, and got a little square of plain white cake at the reception. .

I think fundie weddings are sad. Hospitality is about being generous with your guests and using the amenities to make guests feel taken care of and considered. Fundies in general don't care about other people outside of their family, and since Christopher Maxwell has an allergy to fun, I think the weddings he prefers are very unaccommodating, judgmental, and boring. 

I absolutely do not understand the no dancing crap. It makes no sense to me. There is no prohibition against dancing in the Christian Bible, quite the opposite. WHY would you invite people, have them come celebrate, and then just .. not celebrate? 

I think people should have the wedding they want. Bear (bare?) with me for hot second because I am a long winded person when I am passionate about something like events. 

So I never had a wedding. If I did, I would probably have one that people on the internet would be judgmental of, and my parents wouldn't be happy about, and I wouldn't invite all of my relatives (some of them do not know how to dress or behave in public.)

I was not given any agency over the only other "big party" I had in my life, which was my high school graduation. My parents planned it, told me the day and that I had to be there. They planned it based on their schedule and around the schedule of the schools they graduated from and their friends kids who went to those schools - not where we were at. I didn't even really want a party, but I certainly didn't want one that was so far out of the way that my friends (who I had already attended all of their parties) would be inconvenienced, and it was like two weeks after everyone else's, so the novelty had worn off. Then they chose food and drinks and no entertainment and it was just my relatives and parents friends, it wasn't even about me. 

So the idea of planning a wedding for me, with my friends, where I get to choose stuff is very appealing. I'm already an adult who owns a home and pets and spends a ton of money on travel. But I still want to have a good, memorable party where I get to choose my own decorations, theme, food, and entertainment - without all the considerations that I pointed out earlier. I fully admit I am selfish and ridiculous about this topic. 

I have been to so many corporate parties/events, I have a thousand pictures of me in photobooths, wearing nice clothes. I have so much alcohol on hand. I don't need a wedding, really. My point is that I can see why people go all out on their wedding. It's a party and parties are fun, and there are so many options. You want it to stand out from everyone else's wedding. You want it to be personal to your aesthetic and interests. And even though I've planned big dances and parties and conferences, it's not like *I* personally get to choose the food *I* like and the food/theme that I think my relatives/friends would enjoy. And you know, in your 20s it's fun to have that big party with the great photos and all the people; you have 50 some more years to do all the boring adult stuff like buy a house and start a business and clean the VRBO and apply for a car loan and pay off your student loan and put  your extra vehicles on turo and invest on robinhood and read about crypto currency and install car seats and spend money on boring stuff like a diaper service and a treadmill desk. 

 

[mhainlen]

I love attending big, over the top weddings.  It's not my money and if it's how someone else wants to spend theirs, I'll enjoy the party.  My favorites (which I get to attend a lot more now, thanks to my husband) are Desi weddings.  Best multi day parties in fun places with great food and fun wedding apparel EVER.  

[Bethy]

Well.

Maybe Christopher WOULD stand to benefit from obtaining the fathership. Starting from the Maxes' own readily-available street address from their website, as well as a little poking around on Google Maps and cross-referencing with pics from the Maxblog, I have concluded the following:

The fathership is roughly 650 square feet larger than Christopher's house. Visibly larger on the street view, looks like there's a whole lot of rooms over the three-car garage on the fathership vs. no rooms above the 2-car garage on Christopher's, which surprised me because the blog post about the new house in 2009 said "Since we were content with our old home, the new home was designed much the same as the old one, only reversed with minor changes" so I expected the two houses to be pretty much identical. Christopher's house has more bedrooms (5, to the fathership's 4) but fewer bathrooms (3, to the fathership's 4.) Interestingly, Zillow says that Christopher's house was last purchased in 1991, which tracks with when the Maxes moved to the area, but not with Christopher's purchase of the house. So it looks like maybe that house is still in Steve's name, at least as far as Zillow knows.

GiGi's house is only a couple hundred square feet smaller than Nathan's, which I also found surprising given that a maximum of two people have ever lived there in the Maxwells' time in the neighborhood.

John's house, which took me a little longer to track down (and presuming I found the right one) is identical in size to Joe's starter house before he (or whoever bought it after he sold it) expanded the living space by close to 400 square feet.

[Hane]

@Maggie Mae, I’m an Old, who (had circumstances been different) would have celebrated my 50th wedding anniversary on June 1. That’s probably why I was unaware of the relative cheapness of things like video drones, smoke machines, light shows, and photo booths. I agree that there was a great deal of wasted food—in fact, after making the rounds of all the food stations, lots of people were taken aback by the plated dinner. And almost nobody ate the goodies from the dessert stations before leaving—they filled up the take-away boxes that were provided.

In the Pleistocene, we commonly had bridal showers in somebody’s living room, and brides got gifts like towels and a laundry basket full of cleaning supplies. It was a simpler time.