Maxwell 57: Planning Mary's Wedding

[GreenBeans]

12 hours ago, Zebedee said:

I will say, I am not, and have never been married. I have a visceral reaction against marriage; I don't really know where it comes from, not having been brought up particularly religiously, but every part of me rebels against the idea, despite the 23 year relationship I'm in. If we do ever get married, it'll be something like "EU decides to rescind residency rights of Brits" or something, so just a quick civil thing.

We never really bothered to get married, but at some point realized it just made sense for tax and other legal reasons.
For example, here, if you own a home together, aren’t married and have no children or other statutory heirs, and one person of the couple dies, the other will not automatically inherit the other half of the house. If there is no will, they inherit zero. And even if there is a will, inheritance tax of 30% is charged on everything above 20,000 EUR (which means if you inherit one half of a house that is worth 700,000 EUR, that’s 30% on 330,000 EUR (350,000 minus the 20,000 not taxed), i.e. 99,000 EUR of tax. If you’re married, it’s zero (because you can inherit up to 500,000 EUR tax free from your spouse).

[AverageGiraffe]

On 6/18/2023 at 6:55 AM, Milly-Molly-Mandy said:

At my brother's funeral (he was 30) his best friend said 'people only gather for your wedding and your funeral and how shitty is it that if you never get married the only day all your friends and family who love you gather is a day you'll not be there to enjoy it.'

I think about that a lot. So I make the effort, book the hotels and flights and celebrate and appreciate every wedding I have the privilege of being invited too. 

I don't enjoy weddings and usually bow out and send a gift (the crowd and fuss is just really not for me, I feel anxious, I don't dance, I just never really enjoy myself). That being said, this has changed my perspective on them a little bit. I've always been pro have-whatever-wedding-you-want because love should be celebrated in the way that feels best to them, but I think I might be a little less curmudgeon-y about attending now. Thank you for that.  

[Maggie Mae]

On 6/18/2023 at 2:55 AM, Milly-Molly-Mandy said:

So glad to finally see wedding photos. I also think NR Anna and Sarah are pregnant from those photos. 

I think every married woman with a hand on the stomach is pregnant, TBH. I just get that impression. 

On 6/18/2023 at 2:55 AM, Milly-Molly-Mandy said:

I just love Mary's dress, I'd have worn that in a heartbeat. When I got married 10 years ago 99% of the dresses were strapless. Only a year or so later it seemed to switch. I wore a strapless dress because their were only 2 very fussy lace dresses with sleeves that didn't suit my tropical destination wedding. 

I am so glad the strapless mermaid dress is out. I hope it stays out. No offense to all the people who love strapless gowns. They never worked on my body and now they just seem so dated and odd. And I never understood the mermaid trend. 

This is BEC, but I am grossed out by the photo of the open boxes of unattended pizza. Close those puppies up, so they don't get covered in pollen/flies/bits of tree/beetles 

I liked that they did a photobooth. Since they probably had a short cake + punch reception, without music, dancing, or champagne, it's nice they spent some money so people who dressed up could take some pretty fun photos and remember the day. 

I need the maxwells to update their family photos on their website, I have no idea which grandkid goes with which set of parents anymore. 

I was just lamenting the lack of originality in menswear, but my goodness, most of the little boys are dressed nicer than most of the girls. I love the outfits Chelsey picked. 

Who were the flowergirls? 

[Teaistheway]

1 hour ago, Maggie Mae said:

This is BEC, but I am grossed out by the photo of the open boxes of unattended pizza.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one bothered by the unattended pizza boxes, they were the first thing I noticed  ... why wasn't anyone  going up for them?  There's no way I'd be able to sit around nonchalantly and ignore the call of an open pizza box 🍕🤣

[Bethy]

6 hours ago, Maggie Mae said:

Who were the flowergirls? 

The shorter of the two is Deborah, Nate and Mel's youngest. I have no idea who the taller one is.

[ClareDeLune]

IIRC because the family was getting so big, they developed some sort of system for buying Christmas presents so that each adult bought for one or two children. Maybe they are doing the same thing for weddings now, making sure each child is somebody's flowergirl, without having more people in the wedding party than in the church auditorium. 😂

 

edit - no I am wrong, the littlest melanie maxwell child was flower girl for both. 

For this reason I'm sticking with my guess that all the other mothers are pregnant and were excused from Mother of the Overexcited Flower Girl to keep it simple.

 

 

Edited June 21, 2023 by ClareDeLune

[ElizaB]

I wonder if the flower girl picking also has to do with who wants to do it. Some nieces may simply be shy and not want the role. 

[Maggie Mae]

3 hours ago, ElizaB said:

I wonder if the flower girl picking also has to do with who wants to do it. Some nieces may simply be shy and not want the role. 

I'm picturing a Maxwell family competition for flower girl. 

[Caroline]

On 6/17/2023 at 10:29 PM, MamaJunebug said:

But DANG, weddings as social / religious / caste / statement events for the ages? No!! “No”in every language !!!

I detest weddings more than most every other social occasion. I have been to many out of obligation, but have only enjoyed a few. The ones I've enjoyed were the simplest and usually outdoors with plenty of children running around. I don't think, for me anyway, that a wedding is the best venue for me to feel connected to the bride/groom or the other people there. I always feel that people are there to impress and nothing about a typical wedding feels authentic to me. I'm usually waiting until it's safe to leave. I always bring/send a nice gift. I have frequently not received a thank you. I don't get that trend at all and probably never will.

My husband and I have been invited to a black tie affair in another state with three days of celebrating. The bride is someone close to us, but we are not going. We simply can't afford to spend money that way - plane tickets, expensive clothes, hotels, along with an appropriate gift. We have no regrets about this.

We also have no regrets about the fact that we ourselves eloped 29 years ago, and I've done my best to let my own daughter know that that choice is completely acceptable if she ever decides to marry. If all this makes me a curmudgeon I'll accept the title

Edited June 21, 2023 by Caroline

[MamaJunebug]

23 minutes ago, Caroline said:

We also have no regrets about the fact that we ourselves eloped 29 years ago, and I've done my best to let my own daughter know that that choice is completely acceptable if she ever decides to marry. If all this makes me a curmudgeon I'll accept the title

Hail, sister traveler  

We’ve had traditional white weddings in the extended family and we’ve had elopements.  I’ll let you guess which has the better record for happy marriages.  

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

@Caroline  Just asking  -- what would your reaction be if your daughter wanted a traditional wedding?  Not seriously OTT, but a celebration with the trimmings?

[Bethy]

On 6/21/2023 at 1:41 PM, ElizaB said:

I wonder if the flower girl picking also has to do with who wants to do it. Some nieces may simply be shy and not want the role. 

I'm sure the parents have a big say. Elizabeth (Christopher's youngest daughter) would be the right age. But those sleeveless knee-length dresses? That doesn't match with Christopher's daughters' usual wardrobe. Plus I could see them playing the "all or nothing" card - and unlike Chelsy's mob-scene bridal party, a pile of flower girls wasn't really called for in Mary's streamlined wedding. Calia is a bit of a wild card - at seven she's not really too old for the role. But maybe, as you said, it's not what she wanted to do.

[ElizaB]

As a child in a very large very catholic family I remember flower girls were always chosen based on who had a first communion dress that fit. The white communion dresses were always perfect for flower girls. Depending on your age and personality you would either cross your fingers that yours still fit or hoped and prayed that you had grown out of it. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I remember always wanting to be a flower girl. But by the time I was flower girl age (4-8), all of my aunts and uncles had married years before and none of my cousins were old enough to marry yet. 

[EmiSue]

5 minutes ago, ElizaB said:

As a child in a very large very catholic family I remember flower girls were always chosen based on who had a first communion dress that fit. The white communion dresses were always perfect for flower girls. Depending on your age and personality you would either cross your fingers that yours still fit or hoped and prayed that you had grown out of it. 

An older cousin told me when I got engaged to look at first communion dresses for our flower girl. That's exactly what we got her her, and then one of my bridesmaids sewed a flower and ribbon thingy on it in the same color as the bridesmaid dresses. It was half the price and much less hassle than an actual flower girl dress, and she looked perfect.

[Loveday]

1 hour ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I remember always wanting to be a flower girl. But by the time I was flower girl age (4-8), all of my aunts and uncles had married years before and none of my cousins were old enough to marry yet. 

That was me as well. I had only two aunts who married when I was flower girl age. I lived too far away to be considered, and my parents couldn't afford to get me there anyway, we were on the opposite coast and my dad was a lowly enlisted sailor in the Navy. 

Come to think of it, I've only ever been in one wedding. My best friend from high school got married shortly after we graduated, and I got to be a bridesmaid. Not maid of honor, that was HER best friend from childhood. I didn't really enjoy the wedding all that much, although I remember smiling a lot and being far more sociable than I was used to being. My mother had to make my dress; it was peach, and peach is NOT my signature color. 😆 And it was a very Southern Baptist, 1970s wedding, complete with wedding cake, mints, and punch reception in the social hall. The whole thing kind of put me off weddings altogether for a long time, which was a good thing as no one else has asked me to be in their wedding since. Whew.

[JermajestyDuggar]

I’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times (maid of honor twice) and I never enjoyed it. I hate posing for pics, I hate people all looking at me, I hate wearing clothes I didn’t pick out, and I hate the pressure. I prefer to be a wedding guest. 

[Audrey2]

I've only been part of the wedding party once. That was when I was made of Honor for my sister's wedding. Like @Loveday, I got to wear a color that I never wear- light lavender. Pastel colors are not a flattering look for me. The only other time I was winning adjacent, I was in charge of the guest book.

 

[GreenBeans]

On 6/22/2023 at 5:26 PM, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

@Caroline  Just asking  -- what would your reaction be if your daughter wanted a traditional wedding?  Not seriously OTT, but a celebration with the trimmings?

I feel similarly about big traditional and/or fancy weddings as @Caroline , and for people important to me, I will of course attend, go along with it and respect that their choice of what constitutes a “perfect” wedding may be very different from what I would have chosen. If my son and his fiancée (or fiancé - he’s only 2 years old now, so who knows) wanted a very traditional wedding, well, so be it. Their wedding, their choice.

[Hane]

When my daughter got married, the prices of flower girl dresses were astronomical, as were the alteration costs, so I made my niece a sleeveless white satin dress with a sash that matched the bridesmaids’ dresses. The next year, she got to wear it for her First Communion. (The parents were told “no sleeveless dresses,” so I made a matching little white lace bolero jacket and sash. Imagine my wrath when I went to the ceremony and saw countless little girls in sleeveless dresses. It turns out the director of religious ed was a man who actually meant “no spaghetti strap or strapless dresses,” but didn’t know how to express it.)

I’ve been a bridesmaid seven times, and have only had to wear something I hated once.

[Howl]

12 hours ago, EmiSue said:

An older cousin told me when I got engaged to look at first communion dresses for our flower girl. That's exactly what we got her her

I'm at a loss.  Where does one shop for first communion dresses? 

Thread drift: 

I live in the part of the country with a very large Hispanic/Latina population so I've seen quinceañera* shops, but nothing for first communion. 

*quinceañera WIKI

also google "quinceañera dresses"   The floofier the better.  I've seen quince photo shoots in full progress: limo, mega floofy dresses, guys in tuxes, it's a thing. 

Some bridal shops carry quinceañera dresses. 

 

 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I got lucky. When I got married in 2009, I found a cheap flower girl dress online. Maybe $30. I thought it was very cute. And no alterations were needed because it listed the measurements online. 

[Zebedee]

Thankfully, the only time I have ever even been close to being part of the wedding party is at my brother's, where I had to do a reading, but that was OK, since I was in normal clothes. The idea of being a bridesmaid is horrifying, and at 44 is now not likely to come up! I have a very small family, and only my brother was married. The friends from school I am close with have tended to not get married, and most of my college friends were male, because I did physics and hung out with them and the maths and engineering people, and didn't really meet their partners. Now the weddings I go to are mostly friends I met through my partner's fraternity - so, unless one of the grooms wants a bridesmaid, I think I am safe!

I just don't know enough women who are getting married to be friends with - or they got married when we were grad students, so nipped off to the registry office at lunchtime, and we went to the pub later. That was more the non-EU/UK couples though, so lots of visa reasons, rather than any kind of plan. (They're also all still together 20 years later, unlike my tiny sample of 2 out of 3 religious weddings having ended fairly quickly!) I guess also, most of my friends from school didn't get married in church, but in registry offices and places like hotels. Most of them had the traditional dress and stuff, but without attendants. I don't know if having attendants in those places is usual or not. My best friend's dad was the baptist minister in our village, and some of our friend group got married there, but again, no bridesmaids. I don't know whether that is usual for UK baptist/methodist churches, or whether it was just a small church, with lots of guests, and no extra space! 

I don't mind the dressing up, I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in black tie - but a) that's stuff I chose myself, and b) I'm just one of many, no one really pays me any attention and I'm definitely not videoed, or having to pose in multiple photos. Also, I'm a bit fat, finding a dress that doesn't make me look pregnant but also doesn't fall off my shoulders is hard. I do not want to be immortalised in a colour that makes me look awful, with fat arms looking pregnant. I just know that everyone would look at the wedding photos and wonder who the ugly fat person is ruining the pictures. Not my friends, they aren't like that, but their friends and relatives

I always say I hate going to weddings, but once I'm there, it's usually OK. It helps that I have only been to one *very* religious one (the bride's dad went on about helpmeets, purity, Eve being from Adam's rib, everyone started swaying and reaching their arms out, etc, really bad music... they broke up!). The "normal" religious (Catholic/Anglican) ones I have been to were of choir friends, so they had good music, and then good receptions. The others have all been civil ones, with OK to good music, and then great parties. I'm going to one on Saturday in London, at the Barbican of all places. Since I found out I inexplicably fit into a dress I haven't fitted into for years, I'm not dreading it so much now - I hate shopping with a purpose for clothes, and I was really not looking forward to intensive dress shopping in the heat!

[Coconut Flan]

Some shops also carry mother of the quinceañera dresses.  I live in SoCal though.  Almost any party dress store here has first communion dresses. 

[Hane]

About the First Communion dresses for flower girls: Decades ago, when I was looking for First Communion dresses, I noticed that, during First Communion season, a dress in white cost significantly more than the otherwise identical one in a different color. I made my daughter’s, but that was back in the days when sewing was cheaper than it is now.