Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People

[SisterCupcake]

9 hours ago, Jasmar said:

A week or two ago, I spent a few days reading an old blog that posted and commented on various Chick tracts. I remember seeing Chick tracts as a kid and teenager (70s and 80s), and thought they were some of the wackiest things ever created. Reading on that website reinforced that impression.

Random...but what's the website? I'm super curious because I love Chick tracts. I used to find them in rest stop bathrooms on my way between Virginia and Ohio when I drove back and forth with some regularity.

[postscript]

7 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Until I started reading @Thoughtfuls recaps of Brother Gary's sermons I never understood the appeal of Don Rickles. But Gary's audiences, right there, that's the Rickles demographic. To paraphrase OFM, "such a nasty man"

 

Pastor Overalls even looks a lot like Don Rickles.

15 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

His title is How to Get a Touch From God. How to Get a Touch From God.

My mind went first, to a dirty place, and second to "touch" as in God asking for a loan that's never going to be repaid. 

[Black Aliss]

30 minutes ago, postscript said:

 

My mind went first, to a dirty place, and second to "touch" as in God asking for a loan that's never going to be repaid. 

Spoiler

 

[Expectopatronus]

I truly don’t understand Gary’s undying loyalty to Trump. Even if I set aside my personal feelings about the former president, I don’t get it. How much of an impact do federal politics have on Gary’s day-to-day life? He doesn’t work, he can’t pay much in the way of taxes, I don’t think he concerns himself greatly regarding trade, Indigenous affairs, foreign relations etc I’m sure that he is anti Immigration but again, how much does immigration honestly impact him? How was his life better 18 months ago? 

[EyesOpen]

I think it’s just loyalties to the ideals that trump… espoused… such as making things ‘great’ like the ‘old days’… ‘merica first, racism is cool… and cheap gas. Gary doesn’t understand that trump didn’t control gas prices nor does Biden. He just saw a lower price and thank you trump. None of these ideals have any meat or mean anything… good… at least but my family members just assume ‘we’re going to hell in a hand basket/socialism if a democrat is in office and ‘trump was against abortion and wanted to make things wonderful like the ‘olden days’ so trump good… Biden bad. Sigh

Edited January 12, 2022 by EyesOpen

[Expectopatronus]

@EyesOpen Thanks. That makes more sense if it’s the idea rather than outcome. And I guess neither Gary nor Trump know what they’re talking about 90% of the time so maybe he feels a sense of kinship? 

[smittykins]

10 hours ago, SisterCupcake said:

Random...but what's the website? I'm super curious because I love Chick tracts. I used to find them in rest stop bathrooms on my way between Virginia and Ohio when I drove back and forth with some regularity.

chick.com.

Several years ago, I worked for an agency which serves people with disabilities. One of my coworkers was the son of an IFB pastor.  Just before our Halloween party, his dad picked him up, then dropped him back off after the party was over, and left a stack of anti-Halloween Chick tracts.

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, postscript said:

My mind went first, to a dirty place, and second to "touch" as in God asking for a loan that's never going to be repaid. 

Yep - mine, as well.

I especially love the image Gary often calls up, of having God all over him. I picture something like Nickelodeon's sliming.

But, based on the way he misreads Revelation 2:15, I think Gary hates "the Nickelodeons," so who knows.

50 minutes ago, Expectopatronus said:

@EyesOpen Thanks. That makes more sense if it’s the idea rather than outcome. And I guess neither Gary nor Trump know what they’re talking about 90% of the time so maybe he feels a sense of kinship? 

It's the fellowship of the bulvanim!

Bulvan: n. Loud mouth know-it-all; "a boorish, brutish person"

The "im" ending, pronounced "eem," is the masculine plural.

https://jel.jewish-languages.org/words/1384

[Alisamer]

I've always been boggled by people like Gary's political opinions. It seems to boil down to "I'll be in much better shape and benefit hugely when a Democrat is in office (even though I don't realize it), but Trump said he was against abortion and I want to make sure only deserving (read white, working, Christian) people get any help from the government, so yay Trump!"

It's a big helping of racism topped with performative Christianity, I think. Aided by under-education and ignorance.

Meanwhile the rest of us realize Trump couldn't care less about Gary and his people, only darkens the door of a church when he's required to, and has likely paid for multiple abortions in his time. He can be "anti-abortion" because it doesn't affect him in the slightest. Anti-abortion laws only affect people who aren't wealthy. Wealthy people have access whenever they want, either through private doctors willing to call it a miscarriage, or traveling to someplace where it's legal.  

[Hane]

20 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Until I started reading @Thoughtfuls recaps of Brother Gary's sermons I never understood the appeal of Don Rickles. But Gary's audiences, right there, that's the Rickles demographic. To paraphrase OFM, "such a nasty man"

 

Fun fact: Back in the ‘70s, my sister worked as a chambermaid at a motel near a popular entertainment venue. Don Rickles performed there regularly and was renowned for being a very generous tipper.

My dad’s side of the family is mostly Baptist. At my aunt’s funeral, my cousin got up and sang a loud, stirring, operatic rendition of “He Touched Me.” The Catholic cousins who had never heard that hymn before sat shaking in silent laughter, struggling not to guffaw out loud.

[Ozlsn]

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

All sing The Old Account Was Settled Long Ago, and Are You Washed in the Blood, Gary asks Becky "You got a song picked out, baby?" The Hawkinses fumble through I'm Using My Bible as a Roadmap.

The song titles frequently make me laugh, but that last one is hilarious. This explains so much - no wonder Gary gets lost in the readibgs so often! He wants I65, not A325, and certainly not Psalm Interstate 10 Alt!!

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

His title is How to Get a Touch From God. How to Get a Touch From God.

.. good or bad touch there Gary? 

[thoughtful]

31 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

no wonder Gary gets lost in the readibgs so often! He wants I65, not A325, and certainly not Psalm Interstate 10 Alt!!

He needs a KJV GPS.

 

[Jasmar]

19 hours ago, SisterCupcake said:

Random...but what's the website? I'm super curious because I love Chick tracts. I used to find them in rest stop bathrooms on my way between Virginia and Ohio when I drove back and forth with some regularity.

It’s at the Boolean Union Studios site. It’s an old site, no longer being updated, but there’s a lot of good stuff there.

And @thoughtful, you’re right of course about Gary and the Sinner’s Prayer. I’d forgotten somehow. All his rambles mash together in my head!

[AmazonGrace]

Gary looking for a place to stay the night:  

Spoiler

Genesis 6:14 

Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.

Source: https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/words/Rooms

Gary looking for a restaurant in his Bible GPS: 

 

Spoiler

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

Revelation 3:20 

 

[Ozlsn]

31 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Gary looking for a place to stay the night

Pretty sure Gary's KJV-GPS is stuck here:

Matthew 10:11 Whatever town or village you enter, search there for some worthy person and stay at their house until you leave.

Or on Mark 6:10 or Luke 9:4 (same theme, different apostle).

[AmazonGrace]

5 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Pretty sure Gary's KJV-GPS is stuck here:

Matthew 10:11 Whatever town or village you enter, search there for some worthy person and stay at their house until you leave.

Or on Mark 6:10 or Luke 9:4 (same theme, different apostle).

I find that this is sort of inevitable. I mean, not sure who is worthy, but about the staying. Wherever I go, I stay there until I leave. I don't know what else I could do. 

[thoughtful]

23 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

I find that this is sort of inevitable. I mean, not sure who is worthy, but about the staying. Wherever I go, I stay there until I leave. I don't know what else I could do. 

I believe that's the corollary to "wherever you go, there you are."

[thoughtful]

Finishing up the main Sunday service on December 5, on the subject of how to get touched by God, Gary reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+12%3A1-2&version=KJV

To get touched by God, be "in th'willla God."

As usual, Gary insists that, by going on the road in "full-tahm evang'lism," he is in the perfect will of God.

"There's nothin' like bein' in the perfect willa God. Amen? Nothin like - y'say, 'Well, are you in the willa God now, because yer not travelin'?' Ah'm right where God wohnts me amen? This is the place that because in Decimber most tahm y'don't have a whole lotta revahvals goin' ohn in Decimber ya say 'Wha?' It's because uh it's Christmas tahm or Santa Claus tahm however ya wanna say it gotta be sweet this mornin' amen, but ah'm just sayin' bein' in the perfect willa God hey . . ." and he babbles on.

Gary, you are explaining why you can't usually find anyone to house and feed you during December,  because people don't hold revivals in December. It has nothing to do with being where God wants you.

After more mindless blather, Gary struggles through:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+6%3A17-18&version=KJV

"Ah'll tellya another thing is, is  havin' a toucha God, is bein' different."

Gary garbles up a story about someone hearing a worldly person cursing, who yelled "Hallelujah!"  "You know what? If they can do their cuss words, we can say hallelujah, amen?"

Which pretty much confirms my suspicions that Gary's "hallelujah," "bless God" and some other exclamations are just stand-ins for swearing.

Gary blabs on about people praying in restaurants, and other ways of being different.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5%3A17-19&version=KJV

"Another way to have th'toucha God is t'be filled with God."

"Paul said that we need t'crucifah our flesh daily an' that what  - y'say 'What is yer flesh?' Whatever it is that's botherin' you or whatever it is that you uh you confessin' those sins every day an' sayin' Lord ah want you t'help mah ahhs t'look ohn somethin' different t'day than it did yesterday help me Lord Jesus t'walk towards somethin' ah shouldn't be with, be filled with th'spirita God. An' there is a difference, listen, you can fill the flesh up as as you desire the things of the world, or you can fill - fill it with God."

The captions have some problems with Gary's pronunciation of "fill:"
 

Spoiler

He starts in on people who have "jallousy" and other problems. Just like taking a shower and cleaning your body "we need some spiritual body wash."

Here ya go, Gary:

https://melanatednaturalessentials.com/product/fan-bearer-body-wash-8-fl-oz/

He tells them how much he hates gossip, and rambles around lots of his usual topics, then wanders back to the image of spiritual soap, saying he wants to ask Jesus to "get alla this junk that ah got on the insahda me, an' ah wantchu t'throw it out just git out of it, an' ah want this spirit'al soap t'git insahd me an' clean mah vessel up for you Lord Jesus Christ amen?"

He messes up one of his usual faux-modest bits: "Ah don't want people t'see Jesus  - ah don't want people to see Gary Hawkins, ah want people t'see uh Gary - uh, Jesus Chrise amen?"

Gary attempts 1 Timothy 4:13-14:

KJV: Till I come, give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine. Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery.
BGV: Tell ah come. Give attendance to reading, to ixhortation, to doctrine. Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by the prophets, which laying on of hands of the - Presbyterians.

"Ah wanna say another thing is is being filled with th'spirita God is - er, not bein' filled but bein' with th'touch of Jesus Crise an' that is - readin' this Bahble, all we can."

Captions:

Spoiler

Gary word-vomits about the Bible for a while, then gets into how much more Jesus has given him than people ever have.

"Ah got a gift from Jesus Chrise that never ends. 'Cause you know what listen hey, gifts that ah even got from up in New - 'cause ah just happened t'almost be it was almost mah birthday when ah was up in New Yor', mah wahf an' 'em throwed me a little bit of a birthday party some people give me some money you know what that money's gohn! Butchu know what mah gift of Jesus Chra ah still got it amen you say "Wha?' For it's an everlasting thing it's a gift that never ends amen, ah'm just sayin' hey . . . "

And he reviews the various points of his message so far.

"Go to first Peter real quick-like. First Peter, chapter 1. No, first Peter, chapter 5, verses 7. First Peter 5, verse 7."

Everybody got it? Great, because he reads 1 John 5:7:

KJV: For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.
BGV: For there are three that bear record in th'heaven, an' the Father, the Word, an' ah'm in first John.

He mumbles and grumbles and uses the "it's all good" line, then finds the correct spot in his Bible:

KJV: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
BGV: Casting all your cares upon him; for he keereth - for you.

After some boilerplate Garyshit, he starts talking about going to David Hyles' camp for wayward preachers.

"Ah was down in Georgia back in April this year an' Brother David Hyles which is Jack Hyles's son an' he's got a ministry down there that's uh listen people that fall out, people that git outta th'ministry an' th'devil tempts them an' he restores 'em."

Gary, you make it sound like a furniture refinishing shop.

He tells the story, which he's told before, about Jack Hyles' practice of going out doorknocking, getting someone to comply, then insisting that they come with him right away to testify to their neighbor.

After more of his usual stuff, Gary reads Romans 6:23 -  For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"Ah'll tellya another way t'have a touch you gon' haveta be saved amen."

Captions:

Spoiler

You'd better get saved, rich man in Hell, eternity's a long time, old-time preachers, etc. He struggles with a jacket, fidgets and fusses, as he calls Becky up to the piano for an altar call, and keeps repeating things about getting That Touch of God.

 

Spoiler

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[So-Virgin-It-Hurts]

I love that the Christmas decorations he gives thanks for are two fake wreaths and a plant. Oh - and his red shirt.

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, So-Virgin-It-Hurts said:

I love that the Christmas decorations he gives thanks for are two fake wreaths and a plant.

Yes, and that he asked (on the previous Wednesday) for helpers to come in to do - that.

We can't see what else there is in the room, of course, but it would be logical to mostly decorate the front of the room if resources were scarce, since that's what people are looking at throughout a service. But logic is not the strong suit of these folks, so who knows?

Maybe they expected anyone who came to help to also bring in decorations, and nobody took the hint.

[Xan]

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He tells them how much he hates gossip, and rambles around lots of his usual topics, then wanders back to the image of spiritual soap, saying he wants to ask Jesus to "get alla this junk that ah got on the insahda me, an' ah wantchu t'throw it out just git out of it, an' ah want this spirit'al soap t'git insahd me an' clean mah vessel up for you Lord Jesus Christ amen?"

He really is fixated on cleanliness, isn't he?  I know he's talked about offensive smells and about how often he showers.  Now, he wants God to scrub him clean internally?  Next thing you know, he'll be chasing down spiritual purgatives and enemas.  Methinks he took that "cleanliness is next to godliness a bit too literally.

I have a daydream that God finally speaks and it's directed at Gary during a sermon.  He says something like, "Don't blame your life on me, you idiot.  You certainly aren't doing what I would have you do."  It takes a dangerous ego for him to believe that he's perfectly following the will of God.  Yikes.

[thoughtful]

Sunday evening service on 12/5, at Gospel Light Baptist Church in Conway, SC - the video begins with Gary hitching up his pants as he heads to the piano. Becky is already playing the intro to When I Get Carried Away, and we get a look at more of the Christmas decorations.

Spoiler

Typing out the name of this song always makes me think of the goofy I Get Carried Away from On the Town. It was replaced by Prehistoric Man in the film.

Gary comes up and announces that "Brother Betty - " he corrects himself, "Miss Betty and Brother Joe are in Africa and went to church that day, so "all seems t'be fahn fer them, other than the heat, amen."

He mumbles a bit about the local weather, how it was a good day Friday, they "went to th'coast," and all day the day before and "start turnin' yer Bahbles to second caronicals chapter nahn."

Getting softer and softer as he speaks, he tells them to pray for "the ones that are not here tonaht, pray that the - whatever's goin' ohn ah mean if there's anythin' wrohng ah don't know because nobody's told us so -" tooth suck - "they don't answer the phone or don't textya back  . . . ya sorta wonder a little bit but God knows amen?" Tooth suck.

Maybe I've watched too many Forensic Files episodes, but has anybody asked the police to do a wellness check on James and Rachel? At this point, it is a over a month later - I hope they haven't been decomposing on their kitchen floor all this time. I guess I'll find out as I listen to more Bro Gary messages.

Gary continues to mumble: "So just keep those in prayer, keep the ones that we've invited in prayer, the tracks that people have gotten the Lord this word - " suddenly loud - "Second caronicals chapter nahn if you can you willin' an' able stand fer th'readin' of the worda God."

Captions:

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+chronicles+9%3A1-10&version=KJV

I've never heard Gary read this before, and both he and the captions struggle mightily.

The captions seem to think he is in a Hindu temple:

Spoiler

KJV: and gold in abundance,
BGV: an' gold an' emeralds,

KJV:  and the attendance of his ministers, and their apparel; his cupbearers also, and their apparel; and his ascent by which he went up into the house of the Lord;
BGV: and the attendance of hi - her - his ministry, and their appearance; his cupbearers also, and their appearals; and his ascendance by which he sent went up into the house of the Lord;

KJV: Howbeit I believed not their words, until I came, and mine eyes had seen it: and, behold, the one half of the greatness of thy wisdom was not told me: for thou exceedest the fame that I heard.
BGV: Howbeit I believed not their words, until ah come - came, and mine eyes have seen it: and, behold, the one half of the greatness of thy wisdom was not told me: for thou ex - excellently of fame that I heard.
Captions:

Spoiler

and:

KJV:  Ophir, brought algum trees and precious stones.
BGV:  Ophir, brought eggles trees and precious stones.
Captions:

Spoiler

He prays, then tries to re-read "verses" seven:

KJV: Happy are thy men
BGV: Happy are the meat - thah men

Gary starts babbling about Solomon and Sheba, including: "An' you go t'lookin' ah mean, uh, Queen of Sheba had heard all the great things that Solomon would done an' so listen hey we understand he messed up in later years but when you read Proverbs you kin realahze that Solomon was a wahs man amen? An' you kin look an' see there an' ah got t'thinkin' this afternoon about uh - about this an' ah got t'lookin' for some scriptures an' ah came across this an' ah wanna preach tonaht with the help of the Lord ohn How Happy Are You or What Will Make You Happy he listen we're livin' in a world now an' it's always in some ways always been this way but how what would make you happy tonight . . ."

And he never stops, but I will, since he did announce the title of his message - did you catch it? I don't think he'd quite decided what it was.

More later - do you think we'll get a fresh new message? After all, Gary has a new reading and he claims he "got t'thinkin'," just that day?

Spoiler

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

He really is fixated on cleanliness, isn't he?  I know he's talked about offensive smells and about how often he showers.  Now, he wants God to scrub him clean internally?  Next thing you know, he'll be chasing down spiritual purgatives and enemas.  Methinks he took that "cleanliness is next to godliness a bit too literally.

That phrase always makes me think of the play The Miracle Worker. Annie Sullivan is begging for more time with Helen, to try to get the breakthrough of understanding language, and Helen's father is satisfied that she's learned to be clean.

Captain Keller : Well, we say cleanliness is next to godliness.
Annie Sullivan : Cleanliness is next to nothing! Give me more time with her.

He hasn't done it in a long time, but Gary used to have a whole routine about a spiritual "worshrag," complete with acting out scrubbing his innards.

I agree that using purging, in either direction, as a metaphor would be prime Gary. Perhaps he thought of it, and Becky put the kibosh on that idea.

But wouldn't it be so very, very Gary? Let me think . . .

Ah'm gonna tellya listen hey mah daddy usedta - he'd git, listen hey consti - constitution - constupid - blocked up in th'part of goin' to th'restroom, an' mah momma would make him - she'd give him some that chocolate-tastin' stuff amen? When ah was little ah thought  - ah found a boxa that an' thought it was chocolate an' sneaked a whole box ah still did sneaky steeupid kid things ya say "Wha?" 'Cause ah wasn't saved, amen? Now it's under the blood but God corrected me ah was in a mess but ah still didn't miss church an' ah see Becky lookin' at me not to tell that story anyway what's that chocolate stuff called, Becky? Z-somethin'? K-rations?
Becky: Ex-Lax.
Gary: Yeah that. Mah momma useta give that to mah daddy an' ah'manna tellya listen hey if it didn't work she'd git out that enemy bottle and we need Jesus t'do that to us sometahms amen?

Edited January 16, 2022 by thoughtful
adding a bit

[waltraute]

On 1/8/2022 at 9:44 AM, thoughtful said:

That's very possible.

It's the eternal mystery of Gary - sometimes we have to try very hard to figure out what he was trying to say. It's almost like reading a religious text in an outdated form of English, that was badly translated from content that was thousands of years old  and in several other languages.

😁

 

And @thoughtfulis our Rosetta Stone.

[smittykins]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Ah'm gonna tellya listen hey mah daddy usedta - he'd git, listen hey consti - constitution - constupid - blocked up in th'part of goin' to th'restroom, an' mah momma would make him - she'd give him some that chocolate-tastin' stuff amen? When ah was little ah thought  - ah found a boxa that an' thought it was chocolate an' sneaked a whole box ah still did sneaky steeupid kid things ya say "Wha?" 'Cause ah wasn't saved, amen? Now it's under the blood but God corrected me ah was in a mess but ah still didn't miss church an' ah see Becky lookin' at me not to tell that story anyway what's that chocolate stuff called, Becky? Z-somethin'? K-rations?
Becky: Ex-Lax.
Gary: Yeah that. Mah momma useta give that to mah daddy an' ah'manna tellya listen hey if it didn't work she'd git out that e

OT, but I’m a member of a few vintage-print-ad groups on FB, and there were a shit-ton(pun intended!)of laxative ads from the 40s/50s, and many imply that you should give your kid a dose a day to keep them “regular.”  There’s even a Fletcher’s Castoria ad where a father spanks his son for not wanting to take his medicine, which was remedied by the “good tasting” Fletchers.(As an aside, I haven’t taken it in over 50 years, and I still remember how it tasted—NAS-TEE!)