Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People

[AmazonGrace]

13 minutes ago, So-Virgin-It-Hurts said:

And likely half of those 6 views are FJs. For me, Gary is the gift that unknowingly keeps on giving.

 

Yeah probably @thoughtful paid, like 5000% more attention to those Gary sermons than Gary himself.

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, SisterCupcake said:

the "Don't Ever Remind the Husband to do the Thing" blog post that Teri Maxwell wrote which still makes me cringe...

I remember that "reverence" is a verb in fundie-ese because that story inspired one of our post count titles - "reverencing my cheese paper sandwich."

Returning to the evening of 12/12, Gary had just announced Joshua 1.

I have mentioned before that Gary habitually announces the book and chapter, gives the congregation time to turn pages, often while babbling some Garycrap, then very quickly says "Look in verses ____ the Bahble says . . . " and starts reading, giving them no time to find the actual spot where he will start, which is often very far from the beginning of the chapter.

It's one of the many habits of his that are on my mental "even for people who believe what he does, this guy must drive listeners crazy" list.

Why do I bring this up now, you ask? Well, the same man who questioned him in the morning services now speaks up, and asks "What verse, Pastor?"

I'm starting to love this guy.

Gary says "What?" The man, and Becky, repeat the question.

Gary: "What verse? Verses, uh - one through - fahve through seven." Tooth suck. "Joshua chapter one, verses fahve through seven the Bahble says There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life . . . "

Hey, Gary - try doing that for every reading. I'm sure the congregations would appreciate it. It also makes your habitual use of "verses" make sense. And I can put in the link now, rather than leaving a space for it, listening to find out when you stop, and coming back up to post it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+1%3A5-7&version=KJV

The captions have some trouble with Gary's accent (and Gary has some trouble with the words) when he reads Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou and Only be thou strong and very courageous.

Spoiler

And, of course, "whithsoever thou goest" becomes "whether soever thou goeth."

Gary rants about getting strength from God for a while. If God is giving Gary strength, it's all in his ability to be loud and gesticulate wildly.

When asked to go free his people, Moses asked "Who am ah? An' what did Jesus say? What did God tell him? He said 'Ah'm gonna put th'words in yer mouth."

It's a shame Gary has no skill for the visual arts - I would love to see him draw his visions of  Jesus chatting with Moses and Noah. Oh, and sitting on the edge of the throne (or lesser chair next to the throne - that part's never clear) with the trumpet up to his lips, surrounded by buckets of His own blood.

"Ah'm gonna tellya raht now ah have been, in the last coupla days - ah ain't got the covit so let's go ahead an' git over that amen - but the last coupla days ah've not felt too good. Mattera fact when ah went t'bed last naht ah was not feelin' too good mah head - ah had a mah - ah'm nah gonna say a mahgraine headache 'cause ah don' want wonna them -  but mah head was hurtin' pretty bad."

And he babbles on about needing to get off of the phone with "mah boy" (Caleb, I assume), and Becky tending to him. He couldn't remember if he took all of the pills Becky gave him, but "ah laid down an' the Lord give me a good naht's sleep amen?"

While Gary is carrying on about how he gets his strength from the Lord, he gestures towards the wall and says "Ah go out here, some of you think ah'm goin' out lookin' for people. Ah'm not - ah'm just walkin' up an' down, 'Lord, ah need your help tonaht, ah'd gotta have yer strength tonaht t'deliver what the people of Gospel Laht Baptist Church need, an' the folks on Facebook.' Ah gotta have the strength of the Lord Jesus Chra."

So it sounds like he paces nervously before preaching, which doesn't surprise me, and that he suspects that people think he's walking around to check up on who's coming to church. Which, besides being paranoid, makes no sense.

After asking them to go to Job, chapter one, he gets off on a tangent about "takin' the seats back" for the Republicans in 2022. It's clear that he can't think of the words Congress, House of Representatives or Senate, if he even knows what those are - he just has phrases about taking the seats back in November rolling around in his head.

I wonder if he's just rattling on really fast to keep the man from asking what verse. He zooms through "remember that keep yer mahnd ohn an' look in verses 20 an' the Bahble says 'Then Job arose . . .'"

Maybe he really cares about not telling people what the starting verse is for some perverse Gary reason, maybe it's just force of habit. Who knows?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A20-22&version=KJV

KJV: fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away
BGV: fell down upon the ground, and worshipped him, And said - it said - nekkid came ah out of my mother's womb, and nekkid shall I return thither to the Lord - thither - the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away

He then says something that sounds like he lifted it whole from someone else's sermon, about telling your storms about your God, rather than telling your God about your stormssss, so you won't have trust issuessss.

He yells that you can't trust everyone, even preachers - "there's some Baptists you gotta be careful with amen? Ah'm just sayin' in the part but ah can tell you this much . . . "

Captions:

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

He starts babbling about the prodigal son's father, imagining how he never gave up on his son, and would get out of bed in the middle of the night and look out the window for him. "Ah know he didn't have cell phones back in the days but mebbe he had his phone ohn an' he was just waitin' for that phone call lemme just let you know somthin' - you can trust God."

Well, they didn't have landlines either, Gary - you do know that, don't you? I usually chalk these things up to Gary's clumsy inability to set up the idea of imagining what the modern version of these ancient people and parable characters would be - he just jumps right to their using phones and cars and shopping at "Walmarts." But he sure does make himself sound even stupider than he actually is when he does this stuff.

He gets on to the idea that some people "have a trust issue with Jesus," because things take too long (do I smell Lazarus approaching?).

"They think, 'Well, Jesus just is not gonna come' but ya ever heard anybody say because of what happened in Sodom G'morrah He burned it up, remember that? Locked God out, He caught it  on fahr an' some people say because of the length of tahm that we've had an' an' here in America an' sodomy's on every corner now ah mean listen hey it's out of the - it ain' an' it ain' hahdin' no more they're out an' ever'body knows about everything when it comes t'sodomy an' everything an' they'll say because of th'length of th'tahm  God's gonna haveta apologahze t'sodomy no God's gohn' be raht ohn tahm an' He ain' gonna apologahze t'nobody."

He yells on about how he thinks God should have come back long ago, and alludes to the Lazarus story indirectly, by mentioning a song that says "When God is four days late, He's raht on tahm."

He re-reads the last verse of the passage from Job, starts to comment on it, then veers off into several weird directions: "Now Job, sparing 10 children, thank God hallelujah - hah hah - whenever Brother Jack come in here this mornin' ah'm settin' back there where mah wahf is now an' he comes in he says 'Ah got a phone call!' That was the last thing ah wanted t'hear you say well, ah didn't know what in the world' he knew that ah knew that ah knew that he got a phone call from butchu know those things skeer ya sometahms amen? Mah wahf's mother text her a year or two ago an' says 'Ah need to speak to you now an' ah need you to call me can you call me' makin' sure we wasn't in church or whatever, an' Becky said 'This is not good.' Ya know ah think it was aboutcher gran'mother whatever or somethin' lahk that you know but ah'm just sayin' we gotta trust God."
Becky: 'S'yer mom."
Gary: "Huh?"
Becky: "It was yer mom."
Gary: "But whatever . . ."

And he goes on about trusting God.

We can't see Becky, but I just picture her waiting for Gary to leave even the teeniest bit of silence between words, so she could correct him.

I think that was all about things that scare a person, bracing themselves for bad news because of the urgency in someone's voice or a text.

He does a bit of his routine about God providing, then announces Psalms chapter 32. And again, he has manged to be so bizarre, in such a short time, that this has turned into a long post. I shall return.

Edited February 15, 2022 by thoughtful
riffles

[AmazonGrace]

If it's Sunday and you're not going to church early Gary's gonna scold you but if Jesus arrives four days late he's right on time.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

 

Yeah probably @thoughtful paid, like 5000% more attention to those Gary sermons than Gary himself.

Based on how little sense he makes, I think you're right.

I haven't looked at the 2/13 one yet, so none of those six people are me!

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

If it's Sunday and you're not going to church early Gary's gonna scold you but if Jesus arrives four days late he's right on time.

Absolutely! It's in His contract  - the "Cool thy jets, I'll get there when I get there" clause.

 

[Xan]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

They think, 'Well, Jesus just is not gonna come' but ya ever heard anybody say because of what happened in Sodom G'morrah He burned it up, remember that? Locked God out, He caught it  on fahr an' some people say because of the length of tahm that we've had an' an' here in America an' sodomy's on every corner now ah mean listen hey it's out of the - it ain' an' it ain' hahdin' no more they're out an' ever'body knows about everything when it comes t'sodomy an' everything an' they'll say because of th'length of th'tahm  God's gonna haveta apologahze t'sodomy no God's gohn' be raht ohn tahm an' He ain' gonna apologahze t'nobody."

What the...?  Is Gary saying that people are insisting that God will have to apologize to sodomy?  How would He do that?  Would that be individual people and couples involved in sodomy?  And why would Gary even think that?  

The bit about the prodigal son's father waiting by the phone gives me the giggles.

[thoughtful]

2 minutes ago, Xan said:

What the...?  Is Gary saying that people are insisting that God will have to apologize to sodomy?  How would He do that?  Would that be individual people and couples involved in sodomy?  And why would Gary even think that?  

Other than his having problems with his nouns, this is actually not a new one. He's churned out something along the lines of people thinking that God/Jesus will be expected to apologize to "sodomites" several times in the past.

I think it's his conclusion from having heard people say that there is nothing wrong with being gay, and the fact that it has finally come to be accepted among those  with enough brain cells to learn, and enough morality not to be bigots.

If, as Gary believes, God/Jesus condemned homosexuality in the KJV, and the KJV is inerrant, people who say it's not a sin to be gay must be expecting an apology from God/Jesus when he returns, for being wrong.

And, of course, according to Gary, God/Jesus/the KJV can't be wrong, and he can't be wrong about what the Bible says, because he's not interpreting like those bad college-educated preachers, he's just passing on the exact word of God, without adding his opinion.

It's that perfect teflon-coated sphere, with Gary in the middle, and no way for logic or compassion to enter in.

 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Xan said:

The bit about the prodigal son's father waiting by the phone gives me the giggles.

The prodigal son's father, who doesn't seem to know what century it is, sings:

If you're feeling poor and lonely,
There's a service I can render.
Tell the Dad who loves you only,
Fatted calf is warm and tender!

Call me! Don't be afraid, you can call me.
We don’t have phones, but please call me!
Maybe try pounding the ground?

When it seems your friends desert you
And you’re eating from the pig trough,
I'm the one who'll never hurt you
Though your brother may say “Fuck off!”

Call me, string up two cans, you can call me
Wait, there aren’t cans, but please call me!
What if you bay, like a hound?

Now, don't forget me 'cause if you let me
I will put a robe on you.
I got a ring here, c’mon, let’s sing here!
Here’s a right and a left shoe!

Son, I will forgive your blunder,
Pop is here, to save you from Hell.
Why don’t we have phones, I wonder?
Where’s that Alexander Graham Bell?

Call me, try a shofar, blow “tekiah”
I’ll send a camel, to free ya!
That is a pretty loud sound!

 

Edited February 15, 2022 by thoughtful
fixing rhyme

[Bluebirdbluebell]

I haven't been keeping up with Brother Gary since he never seems to change. You might already have talked about this, but there is a twitter account called @ Bad Sermons (no spaces). It has sermon excerpts from all kinds of men including Bro Gary Hawkins. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by Bluebirdbluebell

[AmazonGrace]

"Jesus, what time will you be at church on Sunday?"

"Of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, ok?"

[Hane]

@thoughtful, “Wait, there aren’t cans/But please call me”—I am *dead* here!

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

You might already have talked about this, but there is a twitter account called @ Bad Sermons (no spaces). It has sermon excerpts from all kinds of men including Bro Gary Hawkins. 

Here's some vintage Gary from that account:

It's amazing to think that, at one time, he was even worse than he is now.

 

[postscript]

Oh, the irony of Gary saying he knows his history (followed up by “I don’t know nothin’”). And then some idiot in the congregation gives him an “amen” when he talks about his wife at home slaving. 

[Joyster]

Caleb has been posting videos of what I call in my head, "The Church of the Cluttered Kitchen Sink." I've been listening here and there because funny, everyday  things go on during the service. For example, in one video, someone was doing a load of laundry in the background. I believe that it is Gary's father (Caleb's Grandpa) preaching.  And yes, it's possible to make less sense than Gary.  Today's service had a can of canola spray as a focal point, but unfortunately, it did not take away from the brief part of this man's horrid sermon I listened to.   It was towards the middle of the recording. The topic was rape and little girls were mentioned. I put it under a spoiler because while I've heard it before, it's been awhile, and it truly is disturbing that people still amen this vile belief, and you might want a pleasant day.  Gary's pa describes it as "Good old fashioned preaching,"   Thank you for letting me vent.

Spoiler

If a women is improperly dressed, she'll be judged for a man's sin along with the man.  Some good old preacher said, if a women is improperly dressed, it would be hard to judge a man for raping her. 

Anytime there is a eating at church, the women with knee length skirts, he's got eyes.  Anytime, the wind blows a little bit, she's out there in a dress, you can't fight it.  But if they wear it below the knees, you don't have to worry about it. That's pretty good preaching, amen?

He sees these little girls walking around, and they're pretty.  God knows, he doesn't have no trouble with little girls and lust.  No, no, no.  He's a bad, bad guy, but he ain't that bad.  He looks at them and he about cries.  They've been taught that.  Little girls come up and you hear 'bout them getting raped every which way.  You know, hey.  Here's the best way he knows how to put it.  He's been saying it for years, but he's going to say it again, "If you ain't got nothing to sell, cover it up.  Amen?"

I stopped listening here. Sometimes when I read about men like him, I wish I believed in hell.

In other news, Caleb has a new job listed on Facebook.  He's not at Pizza Hut anymore.  He's now working at a cemetery.

[Xan]

On 2/23/2022 at 10:41 PM, Joyster said:

The topic was rape and little girls were mentioned.

Ewwwww.  Anybody that would say that about underage girls is just vile.  And, if I remember correctly, he drives a school bus.

Just, ewwwww.

[AmazonGrace]

I just have one question to all the men who spout this nonsense. Here:

How many women have you raped? Must be quite a few by now, since silly old dudes can't help themselves and their dicks if they see a bit of skin.

[Black Aliss]

There's a reason we call those preachers Talibangelists.

[Xan]

I worry sometimes that we've burned out our @thoughtful by making her watch Bro Gary for us.  I went to his Facebook page and found the most recent sermon and am glad to report that it's the perfect length for me:  26 seconds.  I have a very low Bro Gary tolerance and happy to say that I was able to get through this without throwing anything at my computer monitor.

He announces that he's going to read 1 Corinthians: Chapter 12.  I looked that one up and it's about each person having different gifts but that all gifts are valuable and we need and depend on one another for the different skills and gifts.  Since he only had time to announce the reading, I have no idea what he was going to say about it.  

There's a lot going on in the front of this church.  I have no idea why he's got a smaller lectern up at the front and those curtains are a major distraction.  He also seems to have gained most of his weight back.

[thoughtful]

On 2/23/2022 at 10:41 PM, Joyster said:

I believe that it is Gary's father (Caleb's Grandpa) preaching.  And yes, it's possible to make less sense than Gary.

Yes, the messy kitchen church is Daddy W. Danny Hawkins' sanctuary. Like Gary, he sometimes preaches from an easy chair:

Spoiler

But ya gotta stand up among the bananas and oranges and paper towels to really get a good sermon goin':

Spoiler

Actually, that looks like a different kitchen. Maybe the old one was in the trailer, they recently remodeled, or he's preaching at one of his kids' houses.

And, yes, he does manage to be even more nonsensical and offensive than his son.

When he starts that absolute filth about how people should dress, he actually starts with men. He says something about someone "comin' for visitation with a paira knee pants ohn. That's lahk puttin' a milk bucket under a bull. It ain't goin' nowhur. Well, that, actually it's worse'n that. You do that, put a milk bucket under a bull they gon' say 'Man, you stupid - you don' know wh-' well, when a person runs downtown wearin' a paira shorts - knee shorts - he's sayin' 'Well, 'at ain't ah ah - women wear they dress t'the knees.' They do, an' both of 'em are wrong, amen, they're both wrong, it goes below yer knees. An' so th'man's best thing t'do is keep the pants on amen."

He says God will not judge him wrong on Judgment Day for wearing long pants. "You think He gon' say 'You oughta run with the crowd, boy - you oughta been out there an' showed your knock knees.' No, never will it happen."

Then he gets into the rape-culture, women-blaming crap.

After the point where you stopped, @Joyster, he says, "That's the way they used t'preach, an' guess what? Women done better back in those days."

No, Danny, you idiot - no, they didn't.

He also complains (I think - he's even harder to understand than Gary) about not being able to keep his pants up, and goes into a short routine about how a "slip-belt" doesn't work, and, if he can't wear suspenders, "ah'm gon' git me some binder twine to wrap around there."

BTW, remember when Gary ranted about how he'd beat up his son if he ever wore a purple shirt?

Hey, Gary - have you seen your Dad's shirt?

Spoiler

He's doing Gary's routine about blinders on horses, and how humans need them. Like Gary, he needs someone else to remind him of the word blinders.

 

Edited March 5, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Oh, goodie - near the end, he warns the girls that are "comin' up" to stay pure, because that's what a man wants, and he knows, because he's a man. "Butcha go out with the - loose livin', or so ohn, then they gohn' consider you as a hoer* because - that would be what it is."

*Whore.

[postscript]

24 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

He says God will not judge him wrong on Judgment Day for wearing long pants. "You think He gon' say 'You oughta run with the crowd, boy - you oughta been out there an' showed your knock knees.' No, never will it happen."

Well, Gary's Daddy, I think we can all be thankful both you and your son didn't show your knock knees.  However, I highly doubt this will count either for or against you on Judgment Day. 

His views make Gary sound downright liberal. 

[thoughtful]

Becky has a new banner pic. Taken as they were leaving "Pheonix," according to her.

Spoiler

 

On 2/28/2022 at 5:30 PM, Xan said:

I worry sometimes that we've burned out our @thoughtful by making her watch Bro Gary for us.

Aw, thanks. But nobody's making me - I'm just compelled by the pull of "it couldn't get worse, he couldn't say something even more offensive, could he? Maybe, just maybe . . . I have to check!"

I just haven't had the time lately, but I will get back to it.

[LifeIsStrange]

Gary’s daddy has gross ideas about women. Makes my blood boil. Unfortunately, his views are far, far too common.

 

 

[Xan]

Gary posted a new profile picture on his Facebook page.                         

This is a good picture of Becky but I have a couple of questions.  First, why is she wearing a sweatshirt that says "KJV 161" on it?  Did the fourth digit fall off or haven't they noticed?  And, second, why is there a piece of cloth stuck to the ceiling?  What's going on up there?

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, Xan said:

This is a good picture of Becky but I have a couple of questions.  First, why is she wearing a sweatshirt that says "KJV 161" on it?  Did the fourth digit fall off or haven't they noticed?  And, second, why is there a piece of cloth stuck to the ceiling?  What's going on up there?

Maybe the last 1 is under that little fold in the fabric. It's a funny effect, though, and makes me think "Hey, if they believed in a Bible from the year 161 rather than 1611, they might have a least a little bit of credibility!"

Spoiler

The fabric appears to be a towel stuffed into some sort of vent cover - closer up, you can see the square frame:

Spoiler

Not that that explains it.

Gary is one of those people who sees what he wants to see when he looks at a picture, then proudly displays it without even noticing ugly stuff in the background, let alone cropping it out.

Edited March 6, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[So-Virgin-It-Hurts]

Wow. Above comments about Gary's Daddy are quite eye opening. I was under the impression that Gary had a conversion story with a dramatic Christ-accepting climax. Am I mistaken or hasn't he referenced his former life riddled with sin and the bim and bam and the boom? Now I find out he was raised by this evil primitive who apparently has child rape fantasies. Can anyone enlighten me about Gary's back story, please?