Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People

[postscript]

You don’t want the virus? Here’s a thought, Gary - stay home! Don’t travel about the country, don’t insist on face to face church. Do your hate preaching via Zoom or Facebook live. Oh, and wear a mask and get the vaccine while you’re at it. 

“Signed mouse” initially made me think of a computer mouse rather than the Disney variety. Either way, it gave me a much-needed morning laugh. 

[AmazonGrace]

I think it sounds like a Captain Haddock insult.

"Aardvark! Blistering Barnacles! Pestilential Pachyderm! Signed Mouse!"

Edited January 3, 2022 by AmazonGrace

[thoughtful]

On 1/3/2022 at 12:08 AM, noseybutt said:

@thoughtful This is one strange hobby you have but please continue forever. So hilarious.

Thanks! Sometimes I think "This is a weird way to spend my time. I'm not going to listen to those old messages - what new funny or offensive thing could Bro Repetitive say?" And then - he comes through again.

On 1/3/2022 at 9:06 AM, AmazonGrace said:

So if God and Jesus are in charge I don't know why he complains about politics so much.

Because it's always a precursor to his saying that other people are worried about all of the evils in "the politician worl'," but not him, because God's on the throne.

Or maybe Jesus.

He claims he's talking about not listening to the media, trusting in God instead. He just happens to be including a lot of details about what shouldn't be worrying you.

If challenged, I'm sure he'd resort to the style of argument he uses on Facebook, which is at the sandbox level, as you know.

Continuing the 11/10 message from somewhere in Indiana (song cue!). I don't know where he is, I only know that Gary's in Indiana (another song cue!).

He takes a stab at Matthew 4:19-20.

KJV: And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they straightway left their nets, and followed him.
BGV: And he said unto them follow me, and I will make ye fishermin of min. An' straight -  an' straightway they left their nets, and follered him.

The point to this part of the message is that it's exciting to work for the Lord - it's mostly his old, tired "I don't have to" (insert church-related action here), "I get to" routine.

The captions have some trouble with the way Gary says "soul-winnin':"

Spoiler

Some people only go to church because, if they don't, the preacher will text them. That takes Gary off on a short tangent about our being in "a textin' world."

Or perhaps:

Spoiler

He says that, when he contacts a "preacher-frien'" to ask if they need him, he texts them "so if ah git refused it ain't quite as bad. An' ah done that tonaht - ah got refused, amen."

It's nice to know there are some people, somewhere, who have the good sense not to want Gary to come preach!

As he screams about how exciting it is to serve God, Gary claims they saw 20 souls get saved in the past year, then this comes out of his mouth:

"It's exciting! Listen, hey, as much as this technology worl' is most of it is wicked, ah'm thankin' God, but ah'm gon' tellya somethin' ah knew the pandemic was comin' a way before Joe Bahden did ya say 'Wha?' Ah started Facebook 'bout two years ago, amen. Ah knew ahead the game amen, ah bin prophesyin' for a long tahm amen."

They laugh - what Biden has to do with it, I have no idea, but Gary needs to get some sort of dig in on a regular basis.

At some point in his screaming, Gary says they're in Rochester, and I figure out that this is Liberty Baptist Church.

Their website is . . .  interesting. Some of the staff appear to be twins.

Spoiler

And this is pleasant:

http://rochesterlibertybaptistchurch.com/you-may-not-like-us/

Here's a sample:

Quote

YOU MAY NOT LIKE OUR CHURCH

You probably will not like Liberty Baptist Church.

We are an old-fashioned (KING JAMES ONLY) Bible believing, Bible preaching, independent Baptist church.

We believe and teach that the only way to get Heaven is by faith in Jesus Christ as your personal Savior.

We believe that those who reject Christ will suffer eternal punishment in Hell.

We are a soul-winning, bus-running church actively engaged in spreading the Gospel to every creature.

We are conservative in our standards and music.

We are against communism, socialism, liberalism, and materialism.

We are against naturalism, moral relativism, multi-culturalism, pragmatism, utopianism, existentialism and post-modernism.

We believe in a literal six day creation of the world and universe by the direct action of God and reject the theory of evolution as a philosophy spawned by the Devil.

 

Gary acknowledges that going soul-winning gets "tiresome." I know his misuse of language well enough to know that he means "tiring," but I think, if he's doing it, both are correct. The captions dislike Gary's soul-winning even more than I do:

Spoiler

He reads Luke 19:13: And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come.

We're the fore-runners. Jesus is coming and if "He wants t'take it before they chop mah head off, ah'm ready t'go."

"Bobby Roberson said some - somebody trahd t'get him to quit pasturin'"

Captions:

Spoiler

Gary being Gary, he wanders for a bit, then comes back to saying that someone tried to get Bobby to quit pastoring.

Second chance, captions:

Spoiler

 

For once, the captions do OK with Gary's zipping through "th'deathburialan'resurrectionofourLordan'savior," but have some trouble with "there's a Hell to shun an' a Heaven to gain:"

Spoiler

Gary reads John 1:1:  In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

This is the bit about how the KJV is the word of God. Or was inspired by God. Or is God. Or something. And that's exciting.

He does his bit about the names in Chronicles - this time he says those people will rag him when he gets to Heaven about not being able to pronounce their names, and he says he plans to tell them their mamas hated their guts, and it wasn't his fault he couldn't pronounce them.

So very Gary - he's planning now to insult Biblical figures in Heaven. I can see him now, a fried catfish in one hand, fresh out of the river of life, Chinese food in the other, brought to him by the waiters he probably assumes will be in Heaven for him, yelling "Your Mama hated your guts, namin' you Arphaxad!"

Hide it in your heart, because "they" are coming after the Bible, just like they did Dr. Seuss.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Timothy+1%3A12&version=KJV

You ought to be excited because Gary knows who he believes in

He tells them that, when he gets near the ocean, he has to take his wife for sand therapy. I guess he's now decided that this is supposed to be funny, because he adds his "Some've y'all'll git that after a whahl amen."

"You know what, ah set there an' ah watch that ocean. An' if ah'm in the cenner of it, an' God's got the ocean in His hand ah'm in the cenner of it, ah'm pretty good protected."

I have a very hard time picturing Gary calmly, meditatively looking out at the ocean and having deep thoughts about how God protects him - Becky probably came up with that. Pacing and scratching and pushing at his nose and glasses and complaining about the nekkid people? Yeah, that's more his style.

Gary's name is in the Lamb's Book of Life, "An' y'see th'thing about Jesus' ink - there ain't no eraser ohn the end of it. Amen! An' He can't erase it out."

Gary reads Hebrews 4:16:  Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Gary's excited because Jesus wants to hear from him.

Gary doesn't go to the Pope - he goes directly to Jesus. "The only thing yer Pope's gonna do is take yer money. Amen! Matter of fact, they say now that the Catholic church they need help real bad, an' so, an' so, you go inta the booth, you mash the recordin' tell 'em yer com - give 'em yer confessions, put a twunny dollar bill in there an' leave. Easiest money they ever made."

He assumes, since he's in "Yankee land," that they don't know what a mustard seed is. He asks if any of them know what mustard is. I figure he sees a lot of raised hands, because he says, "Oh mah goo'ness we got some Southerners up here amen?"

Mustard when growing? Mustard greens? You may be right that many of them haven't seen those, Gary, and that they are picturing this:

Spoiler

But if you are going to ask the question that way, that's what you're going to get. Mustard has come to Indiana. They've got relish, too!

"You know what? We're in Thanksgivin' month. Ever'body uses Facebook - well, not ever'body, but lots of people use things an' they wanna start from November first to . . . December 24th ah believe it is this year, an' they wanna say 'Ah'm thankful for this, an' ah'm thankful for this'"

I don't think Thanksgiving was on December 24th, Gary.

Gary, of course, thinks you should be thankful all year.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John++5%3A4-5&version=KJV

Gary's excited because he's "ohn the winnin' sahd!"

His last scripture is Romans 10:13, recited by heart: For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

Make sure you're saved - eternity's a long time, the rich man in torment, it's appointed unto man once to die, the Rapture and/or your death are imminent, etc.

And remember:

Spoiler

Gary's excited about that.

Edited January 9, 2022 by thoughtful
fixing date

[thoughtful]

On November 14, in, I believe, Michigan, there is a very short video of Gary introducing himself, his burden and his tent, then murdering a reading for the Sunday School service.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+3%3A1-7&version=KJV

There's a skip in the video, and it jumps to:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+3%3A11-13&version=KJV

There are many errors, of course, including:

KJV: My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:
BGV: For mah son, forsake not -  forgit not my laws; but in - but let -  thine heart be - keep mah commandments:

KJV: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:
BGV: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy necks; write them upon the tables of thine heart:

How many necks and heart tables does this person have?

KJV:  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
BGV:  Be not wahs in thahn own ahs for the Lord departed from evil.

The "Lord, have your will 'n' way" in Gary's post-reading prayer confounds the captions again:

Spoiler

Gary re-reads verses 5-6, says his subject is Let Go and Let God, and the video cuts off.

So Gary, did you see that on a bumper sticker? Are you aware that it is a common slogan for AA members? You hate AA.

And that seems to be all there is of the 11/14 Sunday school service - the next video is the main service.

[smittykins]

Why do fundies have against multiculturalism?  Do they think everyone should be blond, blue-eyed, English-speaking whites with MAGA hats shouting “MURICA F YEAH!”?

[Alisamer]

52 minutes ago, smittykins said:

Why do fundies have against multiculturalism?  Do they think everyone should be blond, blue-eyed, English-speaking whites with MAGA hats shouting “MURICA F YEAH!”?

Just like Jesus!

Oh, wait. No. Jesus was a middle eastern Jewish man who didn't speak English. 

That's one of the things that blows my mind the most. Gary and his people oppose the exact things Jesus espoused, and you know full well that if Jesus walked up to them they'd try to witness to him thinking he was hell-bound. Gary'd probably assume he was Mexican or something. They think Jesus is going to come back and be wearing a suit and walk in to their church and take them all to heaven, or something. When the Bible clearly shows that wasn't Jesus' thing - he was out socializing with all kinds of people from all walks of life, meeting their needs and offering them hope. The only people he was shown to be angry at were the ones who act like Gary!

[thoughtful]

4 minutes ago, smittykins said:

Why do fundies have against multiculturalism?  Do they think everyone should be blond, blue-eyed, English-speaking whites with MAGA hats shouting “MURICA F YEAH!”?

Maybe not all fundies, but I think Gary and those of his ilk have that kind of deep-down bigotry that is so ingrained that they don't realize it's a problem.

They just want to "save" (that is, convert) everyone, so they think they are offering the greatest gift there is to all of those non-white people. If the intended recipients don't immediately grovel in gratitude, they are either naturally evil, or confused by the devil.

Also, I think the objection to multiculturalism is as much religious bigotry as it is racism - it implies that other religions and ways of life are OK, which is anathema to them. Even a white, blond, blue-eyed, English speaking person who is a Lutheran is evil, to them.

[Alisamer]

6 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Also, I think the objection to multiculturalism is as much religious bigotry as it is racism - it implies that other religions and ways of life are OK, which is anathema to them. Even a white, blond, blue-eyed, English speaking person who is a Lutheran is evil, to them.

That's true, and something I hadn't thought of. But yes - while there's a big helping of racism in their anti-multiculturalism thing, there's also the "we don't want to have to tolerate or respect other people's religions" part. They want a theocracy, of course, but only their very specific version of christianity will do. They are about religious freedom, but only if it means freedom to try to force everyone else to be the same religion as them.

It also might inspire some of them to ask some difficult questions. Like, how is a loving God who is father of everyone and loves everyone still loving if He deliberately has people be born in areas where they'll never learn about him, and therefore will have to go roast in hell for eternity?

You'd think that question would still come up, in the form of "but if God loves everyone why does he send people to hell for listening to the wrong music or wearing the wrong clothing? Why not just not let people make the wrong music or clothing, since he's all powerful?" but I think Gary especially wants to think he and his think alikes are going to be the only ones in heaven. 

I'm sure they'd think I'm not christian. I think God uses lots of names, and I try to go by the overarching themes - love thy neighbor, help don't hurt, do your best. 

[thoughtful]

10 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

You'd think that question would still come up, in the form of "but if God loves everyone why does he send people to hell for listening to the wrong music or wearing the wrong clothing?

Gary's belief, and I think this is true of this whole branch of fundy-ism, based on the yells of assent I hear when he preaches it, is that only rejecting Jesus can send you to Hell. There are lesser punishments for wrong music  and clothing - some during life, some after.

He's not very specific about those, but here's what I remember him saying.

Gary speaks often of God giving him a "whuppin'" - including the detail of not even waiting until they get home from "Walmarts," or are out in the parking lot, like parents do. He says this is a manifestation of God's love, since he believes that beating children is, as well.

He never specifies what actually happens. Is he claiming that he actually feels the hickory stick of God? Is his "whuppin'" high prices in Walmart, a broken-down vehicle, a stomach ache, a lightening bolt?

The only specific one I can think of is God snapping "SHUT UP!" at him when he griped about gas prices at a station.

I suspect it was actually the clerk in the booth, with a microphone:

Spoiler

He's equally vague about afterlife consequences. Saved people, in their system, can never lose their salvation. So, unless they have never accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, they are all going to Heaven, even if they got cranky with God later, or wore a tank top in a moment of debauchery.

But he says all will have their sins shown on the big TV at the judgment, and be embarrassed.

He's mentioned the possibility that some may only have ashes to throw at Jesus' feet, rather than crowns, and he's hinted at things like a somewhat lesser place in Heaven (including for himself - he has a bit about sitting in the corner with John the Baptist, because nobody else likes them, even in Heaven).

So, no - "wrong" actions won't send any saved person to Hell, but they will make . . . something  . . . happen.

The rest of us are doomed to the lake of fire, even if we live exemplary lives.

[Xan]

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's name is in the Lamb's Book of Life, "An' y'see th'thing about Jesus' ink - there ain't no eraser ohn the end of it. Amen! An' He can't erase it out."

Gary, you ignorant twit, you don't think Jesus can erase your name out?  Of course He can.  Assuming Gary's Jesus is real, I figure He's already erased it out and written over that spot.  If someone as mean-spirited and hateful as Gary is perpetually "saved", I want no part of it.  If Gary's there, Heaven's going to empty out pretty quickly.

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He tells them that, when he gets near the ocean, he has to take his wife for sand therapy. I guess he's now decided that this is supposed to be funny, because he adds his "Some've y'all'll git that after a whahl amen."

I think Gary imagines that he's a deep thinker and that people leave his sermons pondering over his wisdom and analyzing his jokes for some laughs at a later time.  Nope.  

@thoughtful - I love the "twins" comment about the church website.  

Edited January 4, 2022 by Xan

[Alisamer]

I still identify as christian, but I don't believe any of that anymore I don't think. 

No wonder they are always so afraid, though. They believe you can't lose your salvation, but many of them wonder if they were ever really saved in the first place. (Isn't that Gary's thing about the tadpoles?) So they are constantly terrified. They say they are saved, but did they do it right? Did it stick? And which rules in the Bible actually count? What punishments will there be for mistakes they might make? Will they be stuck on the wrong side of the tracks in heaven? 

So much fear and wondering. So they yell louder and more publically about how they are right, hoping to gain brownie points with God. 

[thoughtful]

3 minutes ago, Xan said:

Gary, you ignorant twit, you don't think Jesus can erase your name out?  Of course He can.  Assuming Gary's Jesus is real, I figured He's already erased it out and written over that spot.  If someone as mean-spirited and hateful as Gary is perpetually "saved", I want no part of it.

I think that's a big part of their arrogance. Whatever they think (or pretend) happened to them at that moment when they were "saved," it is permanent from then on.

Gary's story illustrating how right they are, and how stupid others are, is the one about the Wesleyan teen boys in South Dakota who claimed that, if a person died while having a "bad dream." (bad as in sinful, I assume, not bad as in scary, but who knows?), they'd lose their salvation. He scoffs at this idea, and the congregations he tells it to scoff with him.

15 minutes ago, Xan said:

@thoughtful - I love the "twins" comment about the church website. 

I couldn't resist. I wonder how long that has been like that.

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

No wonder they are always so afraid, though. They believe you can't lose your salvation, but many of them wonder if they were ever really saved in the first place. (Isn't that Gary's thing about the tadpoles?) So they are constantly terrified. They say they are saved, but did they do it right? Did it stick? And which rules in the Bible actually count? What punishments will there be for mistakes they might make? Will they be stuck on the wrong side of the tracks in heaven? 

Absolutely - I bet there is a mix of the arrogance I mentioned above (which, despite his knowing all of the faux-modest phrases he's supposed to say, I think Gary has in abundance), and doubt about whether "it" really, truly happened.

I would imagine some are terrified, because nobody tells them what "it" should feel like, just that it's different for every individual (Gary doesn't do the "sinner's prayer" thing), and you'll know it when it happens.

Sometimes it sounds like they are talking about orgasm.

And yes, the tadpole joke that Gary destroys  by messing up the punchline is part of his routine about how he used to "play church." If you're not sure you're saved, getting baptized, even over and over, won't do anything for you. It's just something you will want to do, after you get saved, to fulfill the covenant.

He, and some of the other preachers I've heard from their churches, often talk about who they believe is in/going to Heaven (by their testimony), and who they're not sure about. I'm sure that throws lots of doubt on people who think they're saved, or want to believe they're saved,

Yet another reason why it's so horrible to be a child in these families.

I don't believe in anything supernatural, so I lean towards thinking that some of them had an emotional and even physical experience that was quite real, but due to susceptibility, atmosphere, repetition, fear, a respected figure (and/or a novel and charismatic one), tiredness, hunger and/or dehydration.

Derren Brown has shown how this can work - the part starting at about the 7:45 minute mark is the kind of thing I have in mind, starting with how he found a skeptic to work with (she wasn't susceptible to one of his other suggestions). He goes back and forth from what he did with her to working with the live audience, until the end of the video.

Spoiler

 

An even quicker conversion version:

Spoiler

 

These are non-believers who are fully immersed in a secular life before he starts. Of course, Brown is very skilled, a hypnotist and knows psychology. But I would imagine that inducing a conversion experience with people who have been immersed in it since birth doesn't require the kinds of skills he has.

Edited January 4, 2022 by thoughtful
correcting info about the video

[noseybutt]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

 

I don't believe in anything supernatural, so I lean towards thinking that some of them had an emotional and even physical experience that was quite real, but due to susceptibility, atmosphere, repetition, fear, a respected figure (and/or a novel and charismatic one), tiredness, hunger and/or dehydration.

Derren Brown has shown how this can work - the part starting at about the 7:45 minute mark is the kind of thing I have in mind, starting with how he found a skeptic to work with (she wasn't susceptible to one of his other suggestions). He goes back and forth from what he did with her to working with the live audience, until the end of the video.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

An even quicker conversion version:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

These are non-believers who are fully immersed in a secular life before he starts. Of course, Brown is very skilled, a hypnotist and knows psychology. But I would imagine that inducing a conversion experience with people who have been immersed in it since birth doesn't require the kinds of skills he has.

When God Talks Back by T R Luhrmann has a really interesting take on evangelicals who hear the audible voice of God.

(I have had mystical experiences that I choose neither to explain nor interpret. Just let it be....)

[thoughtful]

The next video is dated November 14, there isn't another with that date, and Gary starts it by yelling "How many glad t'be in church tonaht?" So  I'm guessing the regular pastor preached for the Sunday main service, and Gary did the evening one.

The Hawkinses sing - I fast forward. Gary announces Luke, chapter 10, and zooms through his "when ya git yer place, if ya can, yer willin' an' yer able, stan' for the readin' of the worda God."

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+10%3A38-42&version=KJV

KJV: But Martha was cumbered about much serving,
Beo Gary Version: But Martha was coming - cumbered about much serving,

Gary tries to explain the reading by saying that Mary was "serving Jesus" and Martha was "all concerned about it, up in somebody else's bidness, hey, Baptists is bad about that amen."

Captions:

Spoiler

And Gary, Mary wasn't serving Jesus - she was listening to Him and learning. Unlike Jesus, Gary seems completely unable to understand that women are welcome to moral and intellectual learning.

This is Gary's What's Distractin' You message. Old stuff. Interspersed with his usual crap about the devil trying to distract them "in these last days" are a few new things.

Gary tells them that "mah boy" says "that new worl' order thing is gonna - the new church is gonna be th'Facebook, is gonna be th'Innernet."

Gary is not satisfied with someone near the back of the church who isn't yelling amen with everyone else, and threatens to go back there and shake his hand if he doesn't start.

Well, I wouldn't want to shake Gary's hand, but I don't know why it's a threat to this guy. Maybe he's actually keeping six feet away from others and wearing a mask or something wildly liberal like that.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+3%3A1-7&version=KJV

The "substil" serpent, of course. Also:

KJV: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
BGV: For God does know that in the day that ye eat thereof, then yer ahs shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods knowing good and evil man ah'monna tellya raht now ah b'lieve we're there amen? Lotta good an' evil - we know a lotta evil ah dunno how good - how much good we know.

KJV: And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked;
BGV: And they - and their ahs - an' their - an' the ahs of them both were open, and they knew that they were nekkid;

Eve was distracted by the lies of the devil - he immediately launches into his bit about colleges turning young men into foolishness, wanting to correct the Bible. Connection? He says it's because they are tempted by the devil. Like Eve was.

That veers into his routine about the devil being the world's best artist, putting  skinny women on billboards to sell beer.

"If he wants you to be a dopehead, he's gonna paint a good picture."

Captions:

Spoiler

Gary, the devil doesn't want me to be a notehead. Or a stem, beam, flag, staff  or clef.

However, I do have a button that says "I'm a fermata - HOLD ME!"

Maybe that came from the devil.

He goes on to the people who listen to the lies of the devil, and waste their paycheck on dope and booze and women, then hang over the commode pukin' their guts out. Also the people who stay home and watch church on Facebook because the devil told them to.

Because those two things are equal.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A34&version=KJV

He does better with this than the last time he read it, but still says "tomorrow" instead of "the morrow."

Gary rants about not getting "overwhemmed" for a while.

He says that truly homeless people will go get help, but he sees somebody with a sign begging on every street corner in Winston-Salem, while MACDonalds and Burger King and Walmarts are all hiring.

I guess he assumes they are all lazy, jobless, and lying about being in need.

Gary, how about if you go take one of those jobs? You are the most disgusting beggar, because you want a nice place to stay and lots of good food, a hot shower and clean clothes, and don't do any work - you just get the bonus of an opportunity to show off, in addition to all of the goods and services.

He says that "we get to frettin'"

Spoiler

Then children hear us, and get worried, too. He says that some little children are a whole lot smarter than grownups. Then: "Where's that - ? Boy, yer supposed to be up here so ah kin help you take a shower tonaht."

Spoiler

Again with the children in the front row and showers - I guess it's a joke about Gary spitting when he preaches.

It gets a big laugh from this crowd.

After more blather about not worrying, Gary tells them he doesn't like swimming.  He swims like a rock.

Or maybe:

Spoiler

But sometimes, Becky gets him in a pool, on his back, and holds him up. When she lets go of him, what happens? "Ah freak out."

He says it's because "Ah know where ah'm goin'." Funny, that's usually what comforts him! But, in this case, he means the bottom of the pool, not Heaven.

This would be a good illustration of people learning not to be worried and scared, if he went on to say that he is working on trusting God to keep him afloat. But he doesn't. Everybody else is supposed to give up being "overwhemmed," but Gary feels no need to set an example.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jonah 1&version=KJV

He doesn't tell them the verse, then realizes he hadn't and throws it in

KJV: Now the word of the Lord came unto Jonah the son of Amittai
BGV: The word of the Lord - verses one - the word - now the word of the Lord came unto Jonah the son of Hemitiah
Captions:

Spoiler

He blathers about disobedience for a while.

"Hey, listen - Jonah - Jonah disobeyed."

Spoiler

"He ended up in a belly's whale - a whale's belly."

Spoiler

Gary says "mah boy said surrendered to God back in January." I'm pretty sure he's talking about Jacob, at the Camp Meeting in Texas.

"He better figger out real quick-lahk what God wohnts him t'do."

Gary, he's 14.

At one point, Gary yells that they are in Allen. With some help from google, I figured out (I think!) that he was at Allen Baptist Church.

As Gary is ranting on about not taking invitations to be a pastor because he is already in the perfect will of God, the video cuts out.

In disgust, no doubt.

Edited January 9, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[Alisamer]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

But sometimes, Becky gets him in a pool, on his back, and holds him up. When she lets go of him, what happens? "Ah freak out."

He says it's because "Ah know where ah'm goin'." Funny, that's usually what comforts him! But, in this case, he means the bottom of the pool, not Heaven.

LOL the reason he sinks like a rock is because he freaks out (and I admit, not helped by the fact he's probably wearing waterlogged clothing rather than proper swimming attire). There's no way Gary doesn't float if he'd just relax, especially in a pool. I mean, in a pool with someone standing there within touching distance, all anybody with some fat on them (and wearing a swimsuit) has to really do to float on their back is relax and breathe calmly. If there are a zillion splashing people or it's a natural body of water with currents, then that's difficult, sure. But in a pool with Becky? He should float just fine. And the bottom's only within a few feet, he could just put his feet down.

I had taken "fun" swim lessons as a kid, and took a swim class in college hoping to actually learn enough to swim laps and such, but the class was full of Garys. Part of the final was to tread water for 3 minutes or something like that, and the others were frantic, windmilling arms and kicking, wearing themselves out, etc. (Although they had all improved vastly from where they started, terrified to put their face in the water.) I just floated vertically in the water (thanks, boobs, for being flotation devices!) and barely moved. I could have gone half an hour easily. They even had the underwater speakers playing music so I floated with just my face out of the water so I could hear it. 

It's kind of funny that Gary believes so much in trusting God, but won't trust the water God made to hold him up and let him float, when clearly he can see that works for Becky. More fear from Gary.

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Alisamer said:

It's kind of funny that Gary believes so much in trusting God, but won't trust the water God made to hold him up and let him float, when clearly he can see that works for Becky. More fear from Gary.

Really. And not just the water - he always says God is actually there with him - he even said God would be holding him in His hands out in the ocean. If he really believes that, he should have faith and relax.

Floating on your back in water is a great image, and a sensation that listeners could call up in memory, for letting go and trusting God.

And, the story would have worked if he'd told it with a sense that he was tattling on himself - saying, "Yeah, I panic about things I shouldn't too, but I'm working on it, and trying to learn to trust God even when I am in that state."

But there was nothing like that in his attitude or follow-up. That's one of the things about Gary that's both funny and sad. A good teacher or preacher can take a life experience and use it will to enhance what they want to say. Gary's attempts at connecting his life experiences to his messages are so horrible it's astounding - they are always some mix of meaningless, disgusting, morbid, insulting and  just plain weird.

He tried to make some joke about his belly fat, saying he'd never be level because the bubble's in the middle. Gary, the bubble being in the middle means things are level.

Never build anything, OK, Gary?

 

[thoughtful]

On November 15, there is a short video of Becky and Jacob singing, and nothing else. On the 17th, at Allen Baptist Church in Allen Michigan, there is another very short one of them singing, then Gary gets up to preach.

He thanks them and says he doesn't deserve to serve the Lord or do what he's doin'. He thanks them for "all the food," then jokes that they "didn't have no casseeroles," but "it'll be awraht, maybe next time." He gets chuckles.

He announces Colossians chapter three, then yaks some more.

He says he appreciates "ever'body except for Jeremy - he told me tonaht when ah walked in, 'Ain'tchu glad it's gonna be over tonaht? I am amen.' And so um, we see, we see how much he got out of it." More chuckles.

He says he knows it's a sacrifice for people to come on Wednesday evening when they need to get up in the morning to go to work and get kids off to school.

Kids need to have fun, but "they also need preachin'."

While he's babbling about how the old-time preaching is best, the video cuts off.

I wonder if it's someone in this church that has Gary convinced that the expression "It ain't gonna be peaches and cream" is exclusive to Michigan.

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

And, the story would have worked if he'd told it with a sense that he was tattling on himself - saying, "Yeah, I panic about things I shouldn't too, but I'm working on it, and trying to learn to trust God even when I am in that state."

The thing is, I don't think he really, deep-down believes it.

My mother died nearly three years ago and was in her mid-nineties.  She was a Southern Baptist who bragged that the only book she ever read was the Bible.  And she was terrified of dying.  I was glad she went quickly when she started going because, otherwise, she'd have insisted on tubes, pumps, the whole works.  She talked about God and Heaven but she didn't even want to discuss dying.  I think, on some level, she didn't believe what she'd been saying her whole life.

Gary's like this.  If he was so sure that he'd be living in a mansion and eating Chinese food, you'd think he'd be glad to try floating and, if he drowned, well, he'd be scooting on to Heaven.  It does explain his aversion to the beach, though.  That's just one big old bunch of water waiting to take him down.  And, if it does, he ain't goin' nekkid.

The true believers that I've known have a certain kind of calm.  There's nothing calm about Gary.

[thoughtful]

55 minutes ago, Xan said:

There's nothing calm about Gary.

You can say that again - he's as nervous and jerky and ill-at-ease as a person can be. He's a human itch.

On November 21, Gary preached the evening service at Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Columbus Ohio. Gary's already been talking for a while when the video starts.

"John chapter 18 if ya can yer willin' an' able stan' for the readin' of the worda God."

The captions are still waiting for an orange:

Spoiler

Making his usual joke about how long he's going to preach, Gary says "Brother Jobe said ah had 'til twelve o'clock amen."

Captions:

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A35-38&version=KJV

Lots of errors, but none that are funny.

What is Truth? Gary runs down the state of the nation, the media, and other Baptists, as is his wont. This congregation yells in agreement every time he pauses - these are your people, Gary - maybe you should give up the rural churches and stick to cities.

"You ain't gonna find no help with no doctors." That's because . . .

Spoiler

He talks about the woman with the issue of blood, and how doctors and "karoprakters" didn't do her any good.

Gary screams on with stuff you know well. And they yell back at him, right in rhythm.

"Go t'Romans chapter 12, real quick-like." And it is quick-like - he reads it at breakneck speed.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+12%3A1-2&version=KJV

Gary screams about how there's lots to do, and people don't want to do the work of the Lord. Gary quotes someone who spoke that morning.

Captions:

Spoiler

I hope the man's name is Crabtree, and the captions are just having a problem with Gary's pronunciation again.

"If you know you should be passin' out tracts an' you ain't doin' it, you a-sinnin' HAYMUH!"

Spoiler

He screams about the will of God for a while, then zooms through:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+1%3A8&version=KJV

Go out soul-winning and knocking on doors, because these are the last days and people are dying. He says that if you're going to work eight hours, "you ought t'have a little bitta time for soul-winnin' in there."

Captions:

Spoiler

The captions have some trouble with one of Gary's many iterations of the phrase "born again saved bah th'grace uh God."

Spoiler

He goes on and on nagging them about going out to nag others, and gets on his "you don't have to leave Columbus to haveta go to Africa, you don't have to leave Columbus to haveta go to Mexico" crap. Because lots of people from those places are here, you see.

"We go upta Chicago once in a whahl - ah don't know wha, ah hate that place. But you know what? There's every kinda nationality you kin think of that needs Jesus, an' ah know we got enough of 'em here in Columbus we wouldn't haveta go very far amen?"

This is Gary's idea of being inclusive.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+11%3A6&version=KJV

KJV: diligently seek him
BGV: Dilidgely seek him
Captions:

Spoiler

Gary's not telling you to quit your job, but "you ought t'have faith that God's still able."

Captions:

Spoiler

"Our country looks lahk it's in a messsss."

Captions:

Spoiler

Gary is screaming about the government giving out money, and how he didn't take any, as the video cuts off.

[AmazonGrace]

Has anyone ever, in the entire history of mankind,  been converted because they got a tract?  Has anybody ever read a tract they received?

[Hane]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

Has anyone ever, in the entire history of mankind,  been converted because they got a tract?  Has anybody ever read a tract they received?

Doesn’t David Rodrigues claim to have been?

Edited January 6, 2022 by Hane

[thoughtful]

16 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Has anyone ever, in the entire history of mankind,  been converted because they got a tract?  Has anybody ever read a tract they received?

My first instinct would be to not even take one.

But who knows? If there are people out there like the fundies we discuss, who are immersed in this stuff, maybe there are people who are so open to it that reading a few paragraphs gets them started down that road.

One thing I've learned in life, and that has been reinforced by reading FJ, is that the variety in humankind is almost infinite.

But I certainly agree that, in general, tracts are a waste of paper and time, and are mostly to make god-botherers feel good about themselves.

[Hane]

@thoughtful, what does Gary mean by “perforated people”?

[thoughtful]

33 minutes ago, Hane said:

@thoughtful, what does Gary mean by “perforated people”?

He only used it once, quoting another preacher IIRC, in a message.

I think it meant drug users who use needles. It was in the thread prior to this one, but I can't find it at the moment.

Edited January 6, 2022 by thoughtful
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