Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[postscript]

The photo of overall guy with his hand up to his mouth looks like he’s calling hogs, 

Of course he’s going to tell us the stable stank and go into detail on Jesus’ sufferings. I thought it was just Gary who was obsessed with smells and bodily fluids, but apparently (like so much of what these guys say) it’s a common theme. 

[Xan]

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He asks why they have to have a tent revival and spend a week, and thousands of dollars, "to try to stir up something, that God's already commanded us to do?"

Thousands of dollars?  My understanding was that the guest preachers were paid through love offerings during the revival.  The tent was free and so was the use of the land.  Do they promise these bellowing blowhards thousands of dollars to get them to come preach?  If so, I'm beginning to really understand why lazy Gary thinks God wants him to travel and preach.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Xan said:

Thousands of dollars?  My understanding was that the guest preachers were paid through love offerings during the revival.  The tent was free and so was the use of the land.  Do they promise these bellowing blowhards thousands of dollars to get them to come preach?  If so, I'm beginning to really understand why lazy Gary thinks God wants him to travel and preach.

I doubt the visiting preachers were offered more than whatever the love offering brought in. Maybe a set fee for Tolbert, since he brought the musicians and overalls.

It's possible some got more, because they are more of a draw. Who got paid what could be a secret. Gary's so in love with his tent and being the center of attention, he may have considered it payment to get to use the tent, preach once, be officious and important as the guy who controlled the sound system, and get one love offering.

ETA - and free food and lodging - how could I forget that?

Look what's in Bedford, PA - the National Museum of the American Coverlet! Go check it out, Gary - it may be the most educational thing you've done in years. They are old-timey, and some are patriotic.

Just don't start saying "the coverlet has come" instead of "the comforter has come."

http://www.coverletmuseum.org/

Edited August 8, 2021 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

Gary preached at an indoor service this morning, at Colonial Hills Baptist Church in Bedford PA.

After some rambling shit about the end of the world, and the persecution he knows is coming, and how God chastens him, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+3%3A11-21&version=KJV

The usual bad reading, with a singsong that gives no impression that he understands what he is saying, and lots of errors and stumbles.

While trying to make the point that God shows us love, He doesn't just tell us, Gary makes sure they know that he bought roses for Becky last week. Lots of stuff you've all heard dozens of times follows.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A8&version=KJV

And more old familiar crap follows, including mentioning that some people believe in predestination, but the only thing God "predestinated" was the ability to get saved if you choose to.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+4%3A19&version=KJV

More old shit, including all of the faux-modesty and talking about the sacrifices he's made (but don't pity him - God provides!).

While talking about the revival he just did in Ohio, the seven souls that got saved, and the saved people who "come to the altar and made decisions," he says, "We had a little incident that happened in the tent, ah dunno, ah like for good things to happen, but you know what, when good things're happenin' remember one thing - the devil's always gotta stick his head up once in a whahl."

And he jokes that they said they blamed it on him, since it was his tent.

He doesn't say what the "incident" was.

Oh, and "you don't love God if you ain't saved."

Gary announces Proverbs 3, "verses" 12, a nice short verse - what could go wrong?

KJV:  For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Bro Gary Version:  For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father in whom he delighteth.

He says they were at a restaurant last night and he invited "the young lady" (waitress, I imagine?) to church, "an' she laughed at me. Ah'm not mad at her, ya say wha? 'Cause she's just doin' what she's s'posed t'do - she's a sinner amen."

He brings back something I haven't heard in a while, and I think he's changed it. He now claims that the lady in "Mashashushetts" told him "not only can you not spank a child, you cannot touch a child in the wrong way in Mashashushetts or you'll go t'jail."

Well, depending on what the hell "the wrong way" means, Gary, that sounds like a great law to me. But spanking, I'm sad to say, is not illegal there. However, as we all know, you can't chop your Papa up.

This, of course, is peppered with his fond memories of how his mama wouldn't let him use the word "spank," she "beat the daylights" out of him.

He tells them about poor Lester Roloff who was "in an' out of the courts," because "they don't unnerstand that we're trahin' to better the chil'ren."

More like batter than better.

He yells that the public schools are trying to  "enlighten" and "indoctrine" children "with all of this junk well are you supposed to be a girl, or are you supposed to be a boy. Ah'm uh - somebody sent me a video ah wish they wouldn't do that stuff  an' it was a little boy, ah mean a little girl, no it was a little boy an' they enlightened him they let his hair grow out, an' they dressed him up lahk a girl an' here's what he said because she was indoctrined she said 'Now my inners are all of a sudden matching my outers.'"

Gary might want to look up "enlighten." Judging by his tone of voice, he was not using it ironically or sarcastically - I think he really thinks it means something bad. And he seems to think there is a government program to change the gender of children.

Also, I love that he inadvertently used the correct pronoun twice near the end of that rant.

He does some more of his usual celebration of whupping kids. But he assures them he doesn't believe in child abuse - Kids shouldn't end up black and blue when you're done.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+4%3A15&version=KJV

He claims that saying that Jesus is the way the truth and the light is considered hate speech today, but he's "willin' t'go to jail for mah Jesus."

He says Peter and Silas went to jail. Gary, Mr. I-love-the-perfect-KJV-and-study-it-daily, that was Paul, not Peter.

And, of course, his electric chair fantasy is rolled out, with great relish. Gary loves electricity, and getting a shock. If he wasn't so stupid, I could picture him as the preacher in Stephen King's Revival.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+5%3A44&version=KJV

He returns to the "young lady" who laughed at him and claims he's not mad at her.

He makes sure they know Joe Bahden is not his president, but he's going to pray for him and "Harrison" and Pelosi, to get saved so they won't burn in Hell. Also Trump, who is wonderful, but probably not saved.

He gets into a weird bit about bad service in restaurants, talking about a restaurant in Florida (breakfast, and it wasn't crowded) where "it was probably 30 - it was about 20 minutes before we they waited on us, and another 30 minutes before we got our food. We could blame it on the waitress, But it may not be. Maybe God's testin' us t'see what kinda people we're gonna be - are we really gonna be that kinda Christian that we read about in the Gospel? Are we really gonna attra - are we really gonna trah to attract those people that are lawoost that hate God and don't like us? Are we gonna trah t'despahs 'em or are we gonna trah t'attract 'em?"

Somehow, he gets into his pandemic, no hand-shaking, nobody had to tell him to stay clean, men who don't wash their hands after using the restroom bit. He mumbles something that I could not catch, which gets laughs, mostly from women. It's at 44:15, if anyone wants to give it a try.

While doing his riff about God's gifts being better than earthly gifts, he adds a little blast from the past to his racist shit, telling the story about needing a trailer after getting the smaller van, because "ah know how Indians are, they Indian givers. God ain't never been a Indian giver."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+timothy+1%3A12&version=KJV

Gary says he didn't "get put" in the ministry - he was called. And he talks about how "easy" it would be to just stay home, get a job and buy a house, but he has a calling.

And he winds down, mumbling about God's love.

 

Edited August 9, 2021 by thoughtful
a riffle needed to be forcibly enlightened

[thoughtful]

Gary, did you look at the title?

 

Spoiler

 

Some great comments under that video.

[Ozlsn]

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Maybe God's testin' us t'see what kinda people we're gonna be - are we really gonna be that kinda Christian that we read about in the Gospel? Are we really gonna attra - are we really gonna trah to attract those people that are lawoost that hate God and don't like us? Are we gonna trah t'despahs 'em or are we gonna trah t'attract 'em?"

Gary... you've pretty much answered your own question. No, you're going to preach to the converted and kid yourself that you're reaching out. You're going to trash talk other religions and people, and kid yourself it's out of love. 

[Black Aliss]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

We had a little incident that happened in the tent, ah dunno, ah like for good things to happen, but you know what, when good things're happenin' remember one thing - the devil's always gotta stick his head up once in a whahl."

Any clues as to what that might have been? Cops busting them for violating town noise ordinance perhaps?

[thoughtful]

As the Sunday evening video begins, Pastor Bob Smith is announcing Amazing Grace, and saying "we can't sit on our blessed assurance, so let's all stand," as Gary walks away from the tent (bathroom break, just general Gary restlessness?):

Spoiler

Gary comes back for the last verse, and to moan "Oh, God, yes!" when Brother Bob asks for God to help him preach.

The pastor points out that they have a portable version of the thing for which, he claims, Colonial Hills Baptist Church is "famous" in the community, a mailbox for letters to God. It's one of the ways they get prayer requests. He tells them about going to the farmers' market to make balloon animals and talk about Jesus, and tells them how to get to the bathrooms in the church.

They have sound troubles, of course, and all sing Nothing But the Blood of Jesus and Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. He announces upcoming services - it sounds like they have an actual plan for Bible readings, and line up Sunday readings with more in-depth study on Wednesday evenings. Well, a week of Gary will knock that right into a cocked hat, Brother Bob.

Gary comes up, and goes totally wild with originality - instead of asking if they are glad to be in church, he says "If you're glad you're saved, say amen!" The rest is the same - he's disappointed by the response, asks again, says "'bout half of ya amen."

The Hawkinses sing - I fast forward. In between songs, Gary talks about those who don't believe the Lord is coming back to take them - the "scowfers" (he says it twice) that Timothy talks about (I didn't find the word scoffer in either book of Timothy, BTW - it's in 2 Peter 3). And he does his routine about how "the community's gonna rahd bah, and they're gonna rahd bah, and they're gonna rahd bah" seeing all of their cars still at the church on a Monday morning, and come in to find they missed the Rapture. And he rants on about getting saved for a while before they sing again.

@Black Aliss, he did say something about the incident in Ohio - see below. This being Gary, of course, it's still pretty unclear.

After their last song, Gary rambles vaguely through some familiar crap about works not getting you to Heaven and "all the different kahndsa things," then gets on the subject of the "mowkers" and "scowfers" again. But they are to be expected because "we're in the last days."

"Timothy said - Paul said, in Timothy, that - when he was chargin' Timothy, gittin' Timothy ready  for the ministry he said there'd be scowfers an' mowkers an' guess what? We had one last naht. Ah was at the tent meeting over in Oh - Ohio last week, 'n' we was downtown Newark Ohio an' man we had the hollerin' an' we had the screamin's an' the different ones an' awl kahndsa stuff an' even had one woman t'come in an' under the tent make a scene. That's called - the devil, amen? If yer gonna do anything fer God you remember one thing - the devil don't lahk it."

He says the devil is mad at both churches.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+4%3A1-11&version=KJV

He messes up a lot of it, of course, reading "pedestal" for "pinnacle" and getting all tangled up trying to get some verses out of his mouth.

He starts yelling about the devil. With the help of the Lord, he wants to preach on The Devil Wants You (well, it sounds like "The Devil Wohntchu").

Right away, he gets defensive about how they've probably never heard preaching like his, and "Ahwahnna tell ya raht now, honey, ah ah ah ah posted somethin' on Facebook ah'm gonna make a lotta people mad," and they can go look at it "if you got the guts to do it, amen."

He does a few familiar riffs, then announces the next reading. Just as he's about to start, after he says "The Bible says." we hear a car horn honk, and Gary yells "Amen!" at it. OK, he deserved the chuckle he got for that.

It's only one verse - KJV:  But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
BGV:  But when he saw the winds boistering, he was afraid and began to sink an' cried, sayin', Lord. Save me.

While screaming about not letting the devil make you doubt God, Gary spews out this story, while  dancing around: "Ah gotta preacher frienda mahn that had this Covid last year. He laid in the hospital for over 30 days had that uh uh machine whatever it is that big ol' thing they put down in your throat, had it hooked up to him, he had the Covid, ah mean hey, he shoulda dahhhd, the doctors give him up fer dead a few tahms, ah know others that had that stuff, an' all the different kindsa things, an' here's what his testimony is, the devil said 'Now, where's yer God now, while yer layin' in the hospital? Where's yer God at now, amen?' And just a few years before that, he'd got another kinda flu or bug or somethin', an' ended up in the hospital an' they told his wahf, said, 'Ya might as well unplug him, he's DEAD!'"

And he gets quieter, and says people have listened to the devil during the pandemic, and goes off on his rant about the news media, and how God keeps him out of wrecks - we get to hear about the poor McFaddens again.

I guess he thinks he made his point about his "friend," and his faith in God and ability to ignore the devil, with that fragmented mess, because he never returns to finish the story.

While talking about people believing the devil about "dope" being harmless, Gary tells us that the daughter of the preacher from the Ohio church "works on the AMbilants," and told Jacob about someone who had just died of an overdose.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+25%3A29-35&version=KJV

The devil will make you sell out, like Esau sold his birthright. New reading, but, as usual, followed up by the same old same old.

He makes a whoop like a train whistle, and starts in ranting about "hellivision." He tells them to go home and "take yer rabbit ears or yer cable ears, cut 'em in half, cut the end of the devil's tail off and throw it out the door amen!"

And he tells them that what he posted on Facebook was "about the television."

Here's something new - he does a little "begat" sequence about technology. Wonder where he stole this? "Y'see, the television had a baby in the VCR, and the VCR had a babysitter and it's called uh uh uh DVD. And then the DVD had a had a uh video games. Now we got smart phones"

He's done "am ah makin' sense tonaht" a few times - now he resorts to "Is ever'body alraht? Have ah gotta pack mah bags tonight amen?"  He's doing a lot of "huh?" I find that even more obnoxious than the hand to the ear. Whenever he gets pitiful about not getting enough response, there is a woman who says a pitying "awwwww." like Gary was a helpless kitten. 🙄

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+20%3A27&version=KJV

The devil will get you to be an unbeliever.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+14%3A14&version=KJV

Gary hates Walmarts. He despahses that place. The government and Walmarts wants robots - that's why they have self checkout. Gary "seen a lawn mower mowin' a yard by itself." "An' we're just gonna set back, git in our recliners an' close our head an' we gonna dig a big ol' hole an' stick our head in it and cover it up with sand and let our world go to hell."

Gary challenges them to prove he's said anything unbiblical. I think you're pretty safe when it comes to finding self-checkout, smart phones, and robot lawn mowers in the Bible, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+11%3A2-3&version=KJV

The devil is trying to get you to forget Jesus. And he does his anti-religion routine.

He gets back to ranting about technology again, asking them to look at his Facebook post and claiming that smart phones have ruined relationships. He says they bought some of the sound equipment last week, and "if you don't think the devil's in sound equipment, you ain't all up there." He points to his head. What they heard tonight "ain't nothin' compared to what we had down yonder, 'til my wife figured it awl out."

Becky to the rescue again - this time, saving Gary and the other preacher men from the devil in the sound equipment.

Again, he says they can look at his Facebook, and share their faith if they have the guts, then denigrates people who look at church on Facebook instead of showing up in person. This is old, I know, but I'm struck by how crudely he puts it. He points to the camera, gets quietly menacing, and says; "We got people settin' at home tonaht that don't got the Covid, that ain't sick, that ain't got no disease, that ain't got no excuse not to be in church, that got no excuse to stay home, but they goin' to."

Spoiler

He announces 2 Timothy 2:8, reads it, then (say it with me, everyone!) says he meant 1 Timothy 2:8. But he reads 2 Thessalonians 2:8. Finally he realizes it's 2 Timothy 3:8 he wants. But he says verse 3,  and a woman questions him after he starts reading, so we get:

KJV: Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.  But they shall proceed no further: for their folly shall be manifest unto all men, as their's also was.
BGV: Now as James and Jamius withstood Moses, so - second Timothy chapter 3 verse 8 - yeah, verse 8 - sorry 'bout that these also resisted the truth: men of corrupt mahnds, reptobate concerning the faith. But they shall re-perceive of the -  perceive no further: for their folly shall be manifested unto all men, as. Their's also was.

The devil will get you to stop believing the truth. He yells a little bit of his "be holy but not holier than thou" crap.

And he makes a sudden decision to have them turn to Matthew, which he does not have written down. Really Gary? You had a hard enough time with the one you had planned to read.

He does get that verse right in only a few tries - he says 36, then 38, but he admits he's not sure. It's 33.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6%3A33&version=KJV

People should be happy they are saved. Gary says he's not "happy with Walmarts but ah go back 'cause mah wife likes that place. Ah don't have to like it to go there . . .  an' ah kin be disgusted, but ah am gonna tell ya somethin'  - ah am gonna believe the truth. Ah am gonna believe God's word."

He tells them to invite their enemies to the revival.

And he's still yammering on when the video cuts off.

Edited August 10, 2021 by thoughtful
a riffle from the devil.

[Antipatriarch]

Things I learned today:

1. "Boisterous" can be used as a verb! "Gary mounted the platform with his Bible in hand, and began boistering."
2. Just as there are "rabbit ears" for broadcast TV, so there are "cable ears" for cable TV. But I'm wondering now... in the streaming era, are there "WiFi ears" and "cellular ears" that we can also cut, to block the hellivision on our laptops and smart phones?

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

People should be happy they are saved. Gary says he's not "happy with Walmarts but ah go back 'cause mah wife likes that place. Ah don't have to like it to go there . . .  an' ah kin be disgusted, but ah am gonna tell ya somethin'  - ah am gonna believe the truth. Ah am gonna believe God's word."

That's some fine theological work there, Lou!

Edited August 10, 2021 by Antipatriarch

[Black Aliss]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Ah was at the tent meeting over in Oh - Ohio last week, 'n' we was downtown Newark Ohio an' man we had the hollerin' an' we had the screamin's an' the different ones an' awl kahndsa stuff an' even had one woman t'come in an' under the tent make a scene. That's called - the devil, amen? If yer gonna do anything fer God you remember one thing - the devil don't lahk it."

 

The scene: exhausted woman enters tent from the rear.

Quote

Shuuuuut the fuuuuuck up! I live half a block away and we can hear you from inside the house with the windows closed and I need to be up at 5:00 AM to go to work!

 

[postscript]

“Boistering” belongs in the growing Bro Gary lexicon. He comes up with some good coinages between spewing hate and utter nonsense. 

if it weren’t for his frequent Facebook posts, I would wonder if Bro Gary exists in an alternate universe in which time stopped circa 1970. All of his cultural references (rabbit ears, I Love Lucy, Andy Griffin) hark back to my childhood. He also seems to lift chunks of his messages from the many 1970s books which claimed we were living in the end times. Newsflash, Gary - the 50s/60s/70s were far from an idyllic era. You would also find it tough to exist without the technology that’s been developed in the interim. 

And the comment about “spank” versus “beat the daylights” - sad that in his world, he feels the need to make a distinction. 

“AMBilants” - when I first saw this, I thought it was a new prescription medication. 

Last comment (I often have to scroll through prior posts to make sure I haven’t missed a gem) - that screenshot of Gary standing with his back to the tent looks like he’s taking a whiz in the parking lot. Which I wouldn’t put past him. 

[Antipatriarch]

2 hours ago, postscript said:

“AMBilants” - when I first saw this, I thought it was a new prescription medication. 

"Do not take AMBilants while boistering, or while taking anything purchased at a dispenser-area. Possible side-effects include inability to read out loud from a book, accurately recall past stories and conversations, or reason cogently. Ask your doctor if AMBilants is right for you... unless your doctor supports Obamacare, which is supported by Joe Biden, who is not president."

[Alisamer]

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He tells them to invite their enemies to the revival.

Well if they invited their friends they might become enemies really quickly.

AMBilants - I'm kind of embarrassed I knew exactly what that was. Has he said "siren" at any point? My mom has been known to talk about the AMB-u-LANCE going by with it's "siREEN" blaring. 

Gary not only has pop culture references that are way out of date, he speaks like an older person than he is, IMO. It's probably because I'm from close to Charlotte and he's from more of a rural area, but he speaks like people in their 70's and 80's here do. I guess it might also be an education thing, too - the more educated and "city" a person is, the lighter their accent is. And I assume somewhat related to the city growing outwards over time and people being more connected, younger people seem to have lighter accents than older ones.

I definitely have a southern accent, don't get me wrong. But I try to pronounce things correctly and use proper grammar, at least. I think it's possible to sound Southern without sounding uneducated. 

Gary sounds like what he is, IMO.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Alisamer said:

AMBilants - I'm kind of embarrassed I knew exactly what that was. Has he said "siren" at any point? My mom has been known to talk about the AMB-u-LANCE going by with it's "siREEN" blaring. 

It's the last syllable sounding like he's talking about emmets, formic insects, that is unique to me. I pronounce ambulance with a schwa at the end (as do my Southern relatives), not, as my diction professor in college called it, "the hand vowel."

And, it was a long time ago, but I do remember Gary saying "sireen" at least once.

5 hours ago, Alisamer said:

It's probably because I'm from close to Charlotte and he's from more of a rural area, but he speaks like people in their 70's and 80's here do. I guess it might also be an education thing, too - the more educated and "city" a person is, the lighter their accent is.

I have always suspected that Gary exaggerates his accent on purpose to sound like a good ol' country boy, but perhaps it comes naturally.

The time warp never ceases to be weird, to me. Most of Gary's references are from before he was even born.

I think of it as a by-product of stealing whole chunks from the old sermons he listens to, and idealizing the imaginary past, but some could also be because his household, growing up, was behind the times. And some is just the inscrutable weirdness of Gary.

I love lots of things from lots of decades, some from hundreds of years before I was born, some from my parents' youth, some from my own, and some that are new. But I do know which is which - I'm not expecting to see Mozart at the Grammy Awards, or people in the local supermarket dressed like Cary Grant and Irene Dunne in a 1930s comedy.

I can't figure out if Gary doesn't really know what's outdated, or thinks he's being cute, or trying to appeal to older people, or what.

8 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

The scene: exhausted woman enters tent from the rear.

Quote

Shuuuuut the fuuuuuck up! I live half a block away and we can hear you from inside the house with the windows closed and I need to be up at 5:00 AM to go to work!

I wondered if it was something like this, as well - I was picturing someone with an infant that was upset due to the noise. The "scene" might have been made by a local at the end of her rope (and she may have been quite polite), a patron from the restaurant who'd just had her meal ruined by their noise, someone mocking their beliefs, or someone drunk, stoned or delusional. Gary would probably see any of the above as the devil's minion. We'll probably never know.

But, of course, Gary's amplified screaming couldn't possibly be a violation of noise ordinances, or a nuisance - he was screaming for Jesus, after all. 🙄

Edited August 11, 2021 by thoughtful

[Dana723]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary walks away from the tent (bathroom break, just general Gary restlessness?)

Looks like he's pissething against a wall

[Dana723]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He does a few familiar riffs, then announces the next reading. Just as he's about to start, after he says "The Bible says." we hear a car horn honk, and Gary yells "Amen!" at it. OK, he deserved the chuckle he got for that.

Like my daughter always says when someone she doesn't like says something she chuckles at, "Everybody gets one..."

[thoughtful]

There are two videos from last night's service under the tent. As the first one begins, Pastor Smith is telling a story about going into a bar in Huntington PA, 20 years ago, to propose having a Bible study there. They were trying to "plant" a church, to be called Friendship Baptist, and the bar, he said, was called Friendly's, so he thought it would be appropriate. This place, perhaps?

He went there at 9:00 AM, and called out "Is there anybody friendly in here?" That's because, as he puts it, he has a quirky sense of humor. He does a Foster Brooks-ish imitation of a very drunk man ("looked like he'd been sittin' there since last night") answering "I'm friendly!" complete with high-pitched sound and a limp wave of the hand:

Spoiler

He asked "the barkeep" about holding a Bible study - he wasn't too interested. He tells them that a lady sitting at the bar said "'I'm a Christian.' It's nine o'clock in the morning and she's sittin' in a bar, and uh, she goes ahead and she says 'I'm filled with the Holy Spirit.' I thought 'I'd rather be filled with the holy cow,' gawllly."

So, you are trying to get laughs, in a service, by mocking people you saw briefly somewhere 20 years ago, who may well have been down on their luck, addicted, in need of help - lovely, pastor.

They sing Are You Washed in the Blood, Pastor prays, Gary moans. Pastor asks everyone to greet one another, then tells them about their "famous" mailbox and the bathrooms again. He tells them that he and Gary were out Godbothering  in the morning. Last night they took a collection at the end, tonight they are doing it at the beginning. He encourages them to give generously to Gary, because "the workman is worthy of his hire." 🙄 He goes on to pray for Gary, saying he is anointed with God's holy spirit, and called by God.

Are we talking about the same Gary Hawkins, Brother Bob?

They sing There is Power in the Blood. Someone applauds at the end. Brother Bob thanks her (I think it's the "awwww" lady), and she sweetly says "Well, it was for Jesus, but you're welcome," and laughs and laughs. They sing At Calvary.

The devil's in the sound system again, but Becky chases him off before the Hawkinses sing. Gary thanks the crowd for being there, sounding slow and sort of vague, then asks them to bear with him because he's lost his place. But he finds the right page in his steno book, and announces Matthew 27.

While they turn pages, he tells them "there's two different kindsa growth in church." There's spiritual growth, then there are times when God has to prune us back, like a fruit tree. Paul told the Corinthian church "examine yourself," but today everybody wants to examine someone else.

"Ah remember one tahm mah grandmother we went to a service years ago, when ah was a kid, an' we went to that church service an' mah step-grandfather didn't go that night, and, so, at the end of the service we got back in the vee-hickle goin' down the road an' mah grandmother said 'Yep! Ernest shoulda - shoulda been here he needed that service.' Now, ahwahna say, more'n likely, he prob'ly shoulda used - he coulda used that service, amen? See, sometahm, we need t'check up an' make sure it ain't somebody else, it maht be us. Amen?"

So, thinking other people need to be preached at, rather than oneself, is a modern problem, but an old problem, and it's a bad thing, except you agree with your grandmother that her husband should have been there. Got it.

Some people might think last night was "a pretty hard message, but ahwahnna tellya,  ah'm gonna tellya, compared to what preachers used to preach back in the 1800s and the 1900s, amen - ah'd be a sissy."

He talks about a woman from their church who is about to turn 80 years old and "still wants to work a job." In a disgusted tone of voice: "An' ya got a bunch of teenagers and 20-yea-olds and 40-years-old, amen - that wanna sit at home an' draw a unemployment check an' draw a government check. That's pretty sad. Amen? But ah'm gonna tell ya, most of it ain't their fault, most of it's Mom and Dad's fault, the way they was raised. The reality of lahf the Bahble still says if ya don't work ya don't eat. Amen? You say 'Well what about wha you eat then?' Well, ah'm not braggin' on mahself but ah went out an' invahted people to church, that's what God's called me to do, amen? Ah read mah Bahble, ah been ponderin', ah told the preacher ah was preachin' on Hell tonaht but God's done changed mah mind an' we'll get t'Hell possibly if not we'll preach what God lays on our hearts amen?"

Whew! In case that tumble of syllables didn't register, Gary was being defensive about his "work." I don't know if someone actually challenged him, or he's just boxing with shadows again.

Also, I love his saying they may or may not "get to Hell" tonight.

He blabs on for a few more minutes, pushing them to come out Godbothering with him and the pastor. And the first video cuts off.

When the second starts, he's ranting away about there being no such thing as an atheist because they say "Oh, God." I don't know what he read from Matthew 27, or how much we missed while there was no video, but, really, does it matter?

He screams some stuff we've heard before - the guy who was about to commit suicide, interrupted by his aunt calling to invite him to church, the guy who was in a biker gang, both preachers now.

He reads from Matthew 11, yelling in an expressionless rush.

KJV: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
BGV: Come unto me all ye that are labour and are heavy laden an' ah will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and lean of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart and she shall find rest unto your soul For my yoke is easy, and my bird is light.

I suspect Gary would get along better with Tories than Labour.

Anybody need an ear cleanser for that text?

Gary screams for a while about getting saved, does some old-timey quavery voice, and claims there have been more "suicides in the last 18 months than there's been in almost a lifetime."

That Gary, always a stickler for exact statistics.

He gets to the loudest, highest pitched scream I think I've ever heard from him (and that's saying a lot), at about the 7 minute mark, shrieking that, if you haven't changed your language, music, actions, etc. "YOU ARE NOT SAVED!"

Gary knows - he appears to be God's umpire, after all:

Spoiler

 

He does this several times. Apparently, we are not saved, but we are safe! 😁

"Look at John chapter 3 real quick-lahk."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+3%3A17&version=KJV

More yelling of things you've all heard before, then some inspiration from a local story: "The preacher told me today that 'bout 30 minutes away from here is where one of the planes went down that was part of 9/11. Do you know that nahneleven was the last tahm that anybody had a little bitta feara God?"

No, I didn't know that, because you are pulling it out of your ass, Gary.

"Nowahwanna say, some people are sayin' that durin' this pandemic we're seein' some different things. Well, ah'm not sure ah 'gree with all that."

All what, Gary? "Different things" is a little vague (I'm pretty sure he means something along the lines of a return to faith, but he's depending on the congregation's ability to read his mind again).

"Ya say wha? Where the people at? Where's the people at? Amen? They wanna listen to everything they got to say, but when God says somethin' they - ahnore it."

I don't know if that was just a stumble of the tongue, or if "ignore" is one of the words Gary doesn't actually know.

People stop going to church because somebody hurt their feelings, but they'll go to "Walmarts where they make you cash yer own self out," over and over.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+10%3A1-9&version=KJV

He slaughters this, then screams about Jesus being the only door for a while.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+11%3A43-44&version=KJV

"Lazeruth," of course.

More familiar screaming, then some quieter bits. An excerpt, when he's telling them God wants them to humble themselves: "Most of ya was enjoyin' pride month." (Awwww Lady laughts) "Prahdful people - amen! You gotta humble yerself. You - listen - hey! Did you know God said we was wicket? And Jeremahah said we're DESp'rately wicket. Nobody's ever seen nothin' bad in theirself any more. Ah don't know that ah'm preachin' on this if ah do ah'm not gonna go any far enough that don't, an an an it'll be alraht an' ah'm repeatin' mahself but most of ya done forgot what ah said last night so it'll be OK. But in Genesis chapter six, Jesus told Noah - God told Noah, He said 'Mah spirit will not always strahve with man.' You know what? If yer born agin saved bah the grace of God, you have Jesus in your heart. You cain't lose it, because God don't uh - God's not a Indian giver we talked about that last night."

He says God is pulling away, slowly, from America. He also claims there were over 100 people in the gospel tent in Ohio.

While telling them that bad government is not their problem, he says the pastor told him the tax on gas in PA is "approximately 50-some cent a gallon. That's pretty bad for a  for a governor to do that."

Um, Gary, he didn't. In fact:

Quote

In Pennsylvania, Gov. Tom Wolf (D) has proposed phasing out the gas tax as the main funding mechanism for the state’s highway fund, and he has established a commission to recommend options for replacing it with alternative revenue sources. In a statement, the governor called the current motor fuel tax burdensome, outdated, and unreliable.

https://taxfoundation.org/pa-gas-tax-gov-wolf-gas-tax-phase-out/

He tells them his theory about God sending Covid to test His people. He threatens people who are watching on Facebook even though they could be in church. "You will be judged." A whisper: "bah God. Ah have no doubt of it."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14%3A1-4&version=KJV

He does some petulant whining about people not wanting to come to the altar, talks about his mansion and clothes in Heaven, and rattles off his salvation date and place - all familiar stuff.

I Love Lucy gets a laugh.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A12-17&version=KJV

Lots of errors, and very little sense of understanding, in this new reading. Highlights:

KJV: Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over them that had not sinned after the similitude of Adam's transgression, who is the figure of him that was to come.
BGV: Nevertheleth death reigned from Adam to Moses even, over them that had not - had not sinned after simplitude of Adam. Transgressed who is the figurative of him that was come to - that was come.

He gives lots of guilt about accepting the gift, and rattles off his beloved reptobate verse.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=colossians+1%3A14&version=KJV

He screams about the blood for a while.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A42-43&version=KJV

Jesus paid the price. Gary tells his story about people paying his check in restaurants.

You'd better make sure, eternity is a long time, the rich man lifts his eyes being in torment, he won't say the word that sounds like cussin', so he says "the dead man's page," but people have died today, and some of them may have gone to Hell.

And he keeps droning on, including a story about how Becky left him at an airport once, because she thought he wouldn't get on his flight if she stayed until his flight left. He says he had to believe in a plane to get on it. No, Gary, that's not the same as faith.

He screams again, about how he doesn't want them to go to Hell after he's "preached his heart out" to them all week.

As he winds down, he barks commands to Becky and Jacob as he rambles: "Is it enough - did Jesus do enough thatchu kin git in? Alraht Becky, you an' Jacob come. Give an invitation. Bring mah coat. Give an invitation. Listen, y'say 'ah know ah'm saved' Well're you ashamed to come to the altar and pray for a sinner?"

He yells at the congregation about coming to the altar, then ignores the people who do, to wipe sweat off of his head and face, swig water, and fidget, while Becky and Jacob stumble through a song. He says something to the congregation about being patient, while he drums his fingers on the lectern impatiently.

The pastor asks for applause for Gary, then for Jesus. Jesus gets louder applause. Then the pastor makes sure they know they could die any second, so "don't leave here without doing business with God."

He makes sure they know that, if they want help doing business with God, ladies have to talk to ladies, of course, and men to men.

Edited August 11, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle of Satan, begone!

[Ozlsn]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It's the last syllable sounding like he's talking about emmets, formic insects, that is unique to me. I pronounce ambulance with a schwa at the end (as do my Southern relatives), not, as my diction professor in college called it, "the hand vowel."

And I've now spent five minutes working out how I say "ambulance". I loves this thread!

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He tells them his theory about God sending Covid to test His people.

I wonder if he's considered the possibility that he was testing the "love and care for one another" part, and that they are failing.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary screams for a while about getting saved, does some old-timey quavery voice, and claims there have been more "suicides in the last 18 months than there's been in almost a lifetime."

Whose lifetime Gary? Also that is an unhelpful reference timeframe, and citation please.

[Xan]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He does some petulant whining about people not wanting to come to the altar, talks about his mansion and clothes in Heaven, and rattles off his salvation date and place - all familiar stuff.

This is Bro Gary defined -- "petulant whining".  He whines that people don't come to the altar fast enough.  He whines about not enough people saying "Amen".  He whines about people thinking he doesn't work.  He whines that Walmart has put in self-checkouts.  Everybody knows that Bro Gary gots to be pampered.  You better not expect him to bag his own groceries, people!

He really is a self-centered little shit.

[thoughtful]

Someone left an incredibly long post on Gary's Facebook, about the early church not having a "new testament," and how important reading the prophets was to them. I can't imagine Gary even tried to read it.

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38/posts/4569657239745741

Gary posted the lying idiot at the Mt. Vernon school board meeting:

Spoiler

Another notch in Gary's - er, Jesus' - belt:

Spoiler

Gary blames people who don't come to church or go out soulwinning for other people going to  Hell:

Spoiler

Petulant whining, as ever.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

Another notch in Gary's - er, Jesus' - belt:

If we're keeping track of the numbers, I wonder how many people Gary helped save and how many people he convinced that his religion is BS.

People like Gary were a big part of why I'm no longer religious. Because I read in the Bible that faith in Jesus was supposed to make you a better person, help you bear good fruit. Jesus told people they should be loving and caring and merciful and wise. And the hateful, judgey, stupid people who shouted the loudest about Jesus either didn't believe a word of it or it wasn't working.

That and all the anti science lies that people like Gary are so fond of. If you have to lie to defend your religion it's probably a bullshit religion.

[Xan]

3 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

People like Gary were a big part of why I'm no longer religious. Because I read in the Bible that faith in Jesus was supposed to make you a better person, help you bear good fruit. Jesus told people they should be loving and caring and merciful and wise. And the hateful, judgey, stupid people who shouted the loudest about Jesus either didn't believe a word of it or it wasn't working.

That and all the anti science lies that people like Gary are so fond of. If you have to lie to defend your religion it's probably a bullshit religion.

Some years ago, I realized that faith and religion are two separate entities.  You can have faith in a merciful god or in a just universe or whatever you choose.  That has nothing to do with religion which (to me) is an artificial construct devised by men.  (I was going to say "people" but, let's be honest, mostly religions have been created by men.)  Sure, sometimes religion and faith coincide.  But, religions are about rules and control.  Each one has its own set of guidelines so people can be judged as to whether they're following that religion "correctly".  

I have my own version of faith but I have absolutely no interest right now in religion.

 

[Antipatriarch]

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Last night they took a collection at the end, tonight they are doing it at the beginning. He encourages them to give generously to Gary, because "the workman is worthy of his hire." 🙄 [...]

Gary thanks the crowd for being there, sounding slow and sort of vague, then asks them to bear with him because he's lost his place.

Yeah, I'm thinking collection at the beginning, when they don't know what's ahead, is probably a better strategy for ol' Gary.

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And he keeps droning on, including a story about how Becky left him at an airport once, because she thought he wouldn't get on his flight if she stayed until his flight left. He says he had to believe in a plane to get on it. No, Gary, that's not the same as faith.

Oh for God's sake...    <- atheist

[thoughtful]

Last night's video under the tent starts while Pastor Smith is saying that they "had a decision" last night, and it was his own daughter.

Awwww Lady awwwws.

Becky was the one who prayed with the pastor's daughter, and he says she "made some things she's been wrestlin' with right with the Lord."

The set-up is different - I have no idea why.

Spoiler

The pastor greets a visitor  - a song leader from another "Bible-believin', gospel preachin', King James Baptist church down in Delaware, his Dad's the pastor there."

I don't know if the devil is in the sound system again, but, between it being a bit soft, the traffic  noise, and Awwww Lady, who is cooing and awwing about something, I have a hard time hearing the pastor. But he announces that they are going to sing Standing on the Promises, (which starts out very much like Pack Up Your Troubles) and stop after each verse for someone to "share a promise from God's word."

Awwww Lady awwwws loudly.

After verse one, Gary calls out "Jesus saves! Yup!" When asked for a scripture to back it up, he rattles off John 3:16 at top speed.

After verse two, a woman calls out that He will never leave you or forsake you, but doesn't have a scripture for it. The pastor suggests one.

After verse 3, they get "fear not, for I am with you." It sounds like Jacob. A direct quote from Isaiah (well, for KJV, it should be "thee" at the end - if it was Jacob, I hope Gary didn't give him a hard time), so the pastor doesn't ask for anything further.

Nothing after verse 4.

The pastor prays, Gary moans "yes," and "oh, God" and other orgasmic sounds. Greetings, hugs, and other Covid-spreading ensues. Pastor announces plans to go to the farmers' market again, and that they forgot to check the prayer requests in the mailbox that morning.

Awwww Lady awwws.

Pastor reminds them how to get to the "men's and female restrooms."

He says that there is someone there from Child Evangelism Fellowship to work with the kids. Seems like a creepy organization - we may want a thread on them, if we don't already have one.

Again, he asks them to come up and place their offerings. I forgot to tell you - he said the previous night, and repeats again, that they are not passing the plate because they are trying to limit exposure to Covid.

He talks up how wonderful Gary is, and lots of places where he has traveled. "Paul was a tent-maker, Gary is a tent-lifter."

Awwww Lady awwws.

There are prayer requests. Pastor prays, mostly for Gary getting support. After the collection, they sing When the Roll is Called Up Yonder and He Keeps Me Singing.

Before the kids go off with the evangelist woman, the pastor gathers them together and is condescending and makes jokes he thinks are cute, like "which one of ya's the smartest?" They say Finnick is (someone's parents are Hunger Games fans!).

He asks them to tell them what he's making out of a piece of paper, and Finnick says it's an airplane before he's even finished. Hey, maybe he is the smartest. Pastor Smith asks if you can get to Heaven in an airplane, and of course the answer is no. So, he says they don't need the wings, and tears them off. Now it's a rocket ship, and they count down to a blastoff.

The pastor is momentarily distracted talking about Elon Musk and how the FAA won't even let him test his Mars rocket, then tells them you can't get to Heaven in that, either - the Russian cosmonauts looked, and couldn't find Heaven anywhere.  He tears something else off, but doesn't say what, and I can't see because a child's head is in the way.

Spoiler

He tells them "that's because, in Communism, they don't believe in God." Wait - wouldn't that be a reason they wouldn't have bothered looking for Heaven?

He asks Finnick how you get to Heaven, and Finnick says "When you die." The pastor agrees, then reminds him that not everyone who dies goes to Heaven. After quoting John 14:6, pastor unfolds the paper, and it is now:

Spoiler

 

Of course.

Pastor gives Finnick the cross. He shows it to all, proudly, and Awwww Lady awwws loudly.

Pastor, you can up your game a little - this guy adds a bit to the trick.

And I think I shall start a new post for Gary's part of the service.

Edited August 12, 2021 by thoughtful
another riffle

[Antipatriarch]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary posted the lying idiot at the Mt. Vernon school board meeting:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Ugh. One of my family members posted that to their Instagram story earlier today, with an "Important information! I didn't know this!" kind of tagline. As they say, "A lie travels halfway 'round the world while the truth is lacing up its boots."

I was happy to see, however, that Instagram added a red warning at the bottom about inaccurate information. Maybe we will find ways to combat the spread of this kind of nonsense.