Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, Xan said:

Gary has a new hat.  The picture is just so Gary that it made me laugh.  

  Reveal hidden contents

 

That is avatar material, right there!

 

[AmazonGrace]

Aww he really misses qmurT.

[Dana723]

3 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Aww he really misses qmurT.

Who apparently is an 4202 (it looks like ASS to me)

[thoughtful]

Return with us now, to those thrilling days of last Monday (HAYMEN instead of Hiyo, Silver?).

Gary reads 1 Samuel 17:29 - And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?

As if he was discussing someone he knew from his childhood, he goes on "Do you remember when David was . . . a shepherd boy?"

And right away he start screaming. David wasn't a warrior, but he faced up to the giant. According to Gary, he bravely said "Yeah? You come at me with shoes an' swords an' all the differen' kandsa things thatchu got, but ah come t'you in the name of Christ."

Shoes?

He limps through yet another attempt at his "how to get a head with God" joke,  pitches into another screamgasm about wanting to be the one sent by God, loses the thread and stumbles through some fragments, then says the Lord gave him a vision to do a video on Facebook. That leads to the story about the guy who watched his video and was told by God to go to Mexico, then more shrieking.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A16-18&version=KJV

Gary claims that Nebuchadnezzar played "these country songs, an' these rock songs, an' these KLOVE songs, an' all that rock 'n' roll junk, an' all that unGodly music."

Not easy to do, on psaltery and sackbut.

Another escalating riff, telling them that they'd better be ready to "dahhh - for the cause of Chrise. It's comin'. It ain't comin' t' _______ (?), it's not comin' t'the Philipines, it's not goin' t'Canada, it's not goin' t'Mexico, it's not goin' t'Africa, it's comin' raht here to the good USA of America, an' if you stand up, an' you tell the guv'mint 'Ah'm not gonna stop havin' church, ah'm not gonna give up mah rahts, ah'm not gonna quit preachin' ah'm not gonna quit singin', ah sing psalms  an' hymns an' spirit'l songs, ah'm not goin' to' they'll kill you, they'll putchu in prison, they'll pound you down, but God can - take keer of ya."

The first place he listed sounded like he was saying "Patlawns." I have no clue what place he thinks he was talking about. It's at 44:11, if anybody wants to try to figure it out.

Gary assures them that he's not bad-mouthin' anybody, but the Hawkins family never stopped going to church during the pandemic, (in a neener-neener voice) "because the churches ah went to didn't give up. The churches ah went to thought it was essential."

He does his "thank God ah never caught this vahris" shit, then starts screaming "if ah catch the vahris, ah'm still goin' t'church, ah'm still gonna serve God."

Um, Gary - what happened to your hundreds of repetitions of "People  used to have common sense - if you're sick, stay home" and the like?

"What if they start makin' mendates? Ah think ah'm gonna study a message up ohn God's Got Some Mendates."

Oh, boy - can't wait! 🙄

"Ah'm not takin' the vahris - ah'm not takin' their vaccine. Ah'm not wearin' the mask. Ah'm goin' a'church."

In a solemn voice, he lets them know how devoted he is, what he is willing to give up for the cause of Christ. "Ah'll tell ya how seerous ah am with this thing. Ah'm so seerous, God blessed me with a good wahf that can bake and cook an' make me fatter than any restaurant. Ah'm willin' to give up mah - eatin' out."

I swear, he says this as if he is giving up a child.

"Ah'm willin' to give up - everything . . . " A whisper: "For the cause a Chrise."

Every church, he says, should get a copy of "what's it called, Becky? The martyr book?"
Becky: "Foxe's book . . . "
Gary (drowning her out): The fox's book of martyrs.

And he happily screams about how pastors should teach people about all of the martyrs who were "hung to nails," mocked, etc. He wants to be next.

"Is everybody alraht? Matthew chapter six, ah gotta hurry up, some of ya's homesick, an' it ain't for Heaven."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A25-34&version=KJV

He makes a mess of most of this familiar text. A sample:

KJV: Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin
BGV: Which of you bein' takin' thoughts can add one cubit. Unto his statue and why take ye thoughts of th'raiment consider the lilies. Of the field, how they grow; they toll not, neither do they spin

Well, I hate walking through a field of lilies that are ringing like bells or charging me money to go past them, so I'm pretty happy they "toll not." 😁

He starts talking about how his grandmother canned fruits and vegetables, and says God's not saying to be "stupid" and not "save up this . . . " then he sort of gets stuck and, annoyed, says "Why'n't you - read the Bahble, amen?"

I have no idea if he saw an expression on someone's face that he didn't like, or just forgot what he was going to say next, or what.

He says God just means not to worry. And he launches into a fake-crying imitation of people who worry about food shortages, etc.

Gary says he's not looking for people to say they think he's a great person (good thing, Gary!), but "ah love livin' ohn faith."

You live on the backs of other people, you bloodsucker. You're a human mosquito.

He talks about the people who asked if he charges a fee for a tent revival, and he says he believes that, if he charged a fee, "the blessings of God would fall away."

He repeats his nonsense about the gas shortage being a government lie.

"Ah live on God's credit card."

He mockingly tells them that, if they give up all for Christ, they might have to give up some pop, food, lights in the house, cable TV, Internet.

He whines and yells at them for a while about supporting missionaries, like he and Becky and Jacob do, and gets cranky about not getting amens again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+12%3A1-2&version=KJV

Would you be willing to sell out, give up everything?

Gary says that, "because of Wells Fargo's stupid decision," he and Becky have "changed from a bank to a credit union." One of the requirements is that they have to have a savings account, so Gary put in $25. "The woman" warned him that, with that small amount in the account, he'd only have about ten cents of interest at the end of the year.

But Gary's not looking for "big bankin' accounts" and "big, big, nahce hah-dollar vehicles, amen. Me an' mah wahf took a walk this mornin' an' ah was walkin' an' we seen somma these cars an' now here's what cometa mah mahnd: you live in New York, you bah a two-thousand an' 20-21, an' put it ohn this road, an' the salt eats it up. Right? An' just in a few months, what happens? Rust sets in. An' it destroys yer vehicle. Now thank God ah live down south amen. Ah hate snow, ah despahs snow, ah'm glad it's not mahn, amen. Butchu know what? If ah lived in New York, ah'd never bah a new vehicle. Ya say 'Wha?' One, ah think it's a waste a money, you can agree, disagree, you gonna do whatever you want to amen, then number two, wha would ah bah a new car when ah'm gonna have to  replace it every two years? 'Cause a the rust. Ya  know what, you good maht put that money in - missions. 'S'everybody alraht?"

Um . . . thank you for sharing, I guess. 🤷‍♀️

He re-yells verse 1.

"Don't just give 'im yer ears, give 'im yer ahs. Don't just give yer ahs, give 'im yer nose. Amen? Y'say 'what can ah do with mah nose?' You can smell good food, amen."

Wait - I thought we gave our nose to God - why are we smelling the good food?

"Don't just give 'im yer feet, give 'im yer arms. Amen? Am ah makin' sense tonaht? Sell out to Jesus Chrast."

He announces Luke 19:6, starts to read it, then barks: "Go t'verse fahve."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+19%3A5-6&version=KJV

Gary claims that Jesus is asking Zacchaeus if he would be saved, be born again, be a priest, an ambassador of Jesus, and be saved (again, I guess?). Because Hell's an awful place, where the rich man lifts his eyes, bein' in torment.

Really? I thought He was just asking for dinner and place to stay, myself, at that point in the story, and maybe to piss off the self-righteous by choosing the tax collector.

Anyway, Gary has left Zacchaeus and is off on the rich man and how Hell is hotter than a "bawnfawr" (bonfire). And the eternal "lake a'fahr" is even worse.

Just because you're a church member doesn't mean you're saved - we hear the story of the pastor's daughter from PA again, a zoom through the "reptobate" verse. Then, a warning about Bibles in Spanish that might take something out, and the NIV, which took out Acts 2:38 (he and Henry have to consult on this one).

Um, Henry and Gary: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts 2%3A38&version=NIV

Gary doesn't remember his birth, but he remembers being born again on July . . . eh, you know.

He starts his post-message prayer, and realizes he forgot something. So he ends up saying, "Lord, thank you for yer love, thank you for mercy m' - Becky cometa th'piana - thank you fer bein' so good to us . . . "

Edited August 29, 2021 by thoughtful
a wee little riffle

[postscript]

Gary would never buy a new vehicle?  Gary, when was the last time you actually spent money on a vehicle?  You get people to give them to you, run them into the ground, and then get someone else to give you another, in an endless cycle. The vehicles you get rarely last more than two years anyway. 

I would also ask what this has to do with his underlying message, but it's no worse than any of his other personal musings disguised as sermons. In fact, the portions of the sermons where we get his personal experiences and opinions are by far the most interesting sections, as they give insights into his so-called mind. 

[thoughtful]

The video from Tuesday evening is only 45 minutes long. As Eliza Dolittle would say "Well, that's a mercy, anyhow."

Becky and Jacob sing - Gary fidgets in a pew.

He swaggers up and a lot of familiar stuff falls out of his mouth.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+8%3A43-48&version=KJV

"Now here we got a woman here that's got an issue amen? We all got issues."

I guess he still doesn't know what the woman's problem was - or maybe he thinks he's being clever. Anyway, they were practicing "madison" all the way back in Bible days, and you can go to doctors if you want to, but Gary only goes to The Great Physician.

Gary, 2015:

Spoiler

And I bet he'd go again, if anything really bothered him. Liar.

He brags about how he took himself off of blood pressure medication, without any permission from a doctor, after he lost 75-80 pounds, and he hasn't needed them since.

How do you know, Gary? Does Becky take your BP daily?

Gary's been taking "different kandsa vahtimins" since "this Corona thing came around." Becky decides what he should take.

Miss Karen's head was healed by God, not so much by the doctors (I think Karen, Henry's wife, was the friend who had to have a plate taken out of her head due to an infection, which Gary kept referring to as having her screws tightened).

Gary has a new metaphor, from a preacher he listened to, and he goes on about coming to the table, eating the word of God, growing from eating the word of God, etc.

"But ah wanna talk to you, just for a little whahl, ohn Let's Trah Jesus."

Shreds of things that might have been sentences if he ever finished them come out of his mouth for a while. They are meaningless, but loud.

Very, very loud.

He announces Joshua 24 ("real quick-lahk"), then says "Just talkin' 'bout . . .trahin' Jesus. Ya ever trah it one tahm ya might jest lahk it."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A15&version=KJV

Just try Jesus - don't think about it. He compares it to people hesitating before jumping into a swimming pool, then starts to shriek. "Just jump in, amen? Ya might could see what God can really do if you just jump in an' make up yer mahnd listen hey we're in troublin' tahm - we're - have ah not said that enough this week? We're in troublin' tahms we're in dark tahms, we're in evil tahms, we're in wicket tahms, we need some people that'll make up their mahnd and say 'God ah give you all tonaht,"
 etc. - you've heard it all before.

He screams about America, and how it feels like a Communist country and a socialist country.

God is good - Gary asks if they have a roof over their heads, air conditioner, did they have a shower today, clothes, food, vehicle, 'an' ya made it to the gas station, an' ya paid some goooood prahhhce fer gold, amen?"

That's because God is faithful.

A new scream, about people who promise to stay with their pastor, then fall away.

Another scream, about how, no matter what his children or preachers or churches do, he's going to keep going.

He's panting again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+22%3A37&version=KJV

"Thou shalt" comes out, as it usually does, as "Thout shall."

Gary lists the tortures Jesus went through, and revs up to another screamfest about showing Jesus you love Him. Besides the screaming, he does a lot of old-time shaky preacher voice. He shrieks at them about being faithful to Jesus.

"See, ah married mah wahf, an' ah'm gonna tellya raht now," he slaps the lectern three times, "Ah trahd mah best to be faithful to her. Amen? An', in return, she's been faithful to me."

Tried? Did you succeed? Are you going to tell them which wife you are talking about?

Gary screams his "royal inheritance," streets of gold, mansion, etc. in Heaven riff.

He ain't made light of the Covid. But lots of people have forsaken God by closing up their church. He screams about somebody who was supposed to come last night, but didn't because they are sick and have common sense and courtesy.

Oh, so now you're back to "stay home if you're sick." OK, Gary.

And he goes right back to how he hasn't missed any church during "the Covid," because he's trusting God.

"Is everybody alraht?"

More screeching, then a mumble about "move ohn, some of ya have got mad."

No, Gary, I think you've just given them all tinnitus.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+2%3A47&version=KJV

Let God add people to the church, don't try to do it yourself. Letting people into your church too easily leads to church-hopping.

He screams about how, when someone changes churches, the Bible says the pastors are obligated to talk to one another about why it happened. Or, as he puts it, one pastor should "fahnd out what the results is goin' ohn an' wha they left the church an' then vahs versa the other way is s'posedta be the same way. But today an' hour, we're just gonna let anybody an' everybody in our church no matter what they done to another church no matter how they hurt another church ah'm gonna tellya raht now, not everybody in Frankfort, an' this ain't God's will it's just the way it is in the day an' hour we're livin' in but not ever'body in Frankfort belongs to Calv'ry Baptist church."

Another long screaming rant, imitating a "church-hopper" who says he'll back up his new pastor, but Gary knows he will stab him in the back, because the preacher said "Just come on in" to anybody.

Gary says that, a couple of years ago, he shared something on Facebook that most people wouldn't, but "if there's consoversy, ah have to have mah part of it."

The big daring statement was that people we think are in Heaven might be in Hell, and vice versa.

We don't know who's saved. Gary only knows about himself -on July 11, 1999, etc.

"Is everybody alraht? 'Bout one of ya. If mah wahf's with me ah guess ah'll be alraht."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=philippians+4%3A13-19&version=KJV

He can barely get the words to come out - it's a jumble.

KJV: But I have all, and abound: I am full, having received of Epaphroditus the things which were sent from you, an odour of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, wellpleasing to God.
BFV: But I have done all. And am bound I am full having received the whoever that is amen, the things which were sent from you, an odour of sweet smellin' savior accepting, wellpleasing. To God.

Gary can only do what he does through Christ. He screams about how tired and weak he is, and how he'd be happy to go to bed at 9:30 every night, at the top of his lungs.

The government is going to shut down the churches. If you don't think it's OK to preach on politics, you don't know your Bible. Gary won't go back to a church in Texas (that he claims wants him to come back) because he was "rebuked" there for preaching on politics. And he bellows about religious rights for a while.

Then, apropos of nothing: "Ah found out something about churches that ah go to. They think yer supposed to eat - late at night." Long pause, while he pants. "And ah do it. And then ah pay for it. But God supplahd mah needs. Amen. God take keer of me!"

Gary, now it's my turn to say "Huh?" like you always do. Are you saying that God brings you Zantac, or just that you are grateful for food, even if it is served too late for a man who wants to go to bed at 9:30?

Gary says he lost that 80 pounds with a lot of prayer. He does his routine about loving Chinese food, and how there will be plenty of it in Heaven.

"Y'know, durin' these tah - the last four years, before Mr. Bahden thinks he got into office, Mr. President was in office, and y'all remember the big hurricane that happened, ah think it was in Lousiana an' Texas? You know who bla - you know who was blamed for that hurricane? Donald Trump."

He gets the clearest "amen" I've heard all week, from a man.

I don't remember Donald Trump being blamed for a hurricane, Gary. I remember him being a shit-for-brains about a hurricane, but then he's a shit-for-brains about everything.

"The wickedness that goes ohn in this world is because GOD. WON'T. BLESS. SIHHHHHHN!"

He screeches about how he can't lose his salvation, and finally gets some people consistently yelling along with him.

Gary karate-chops the air - up and down for some reps, then side to side. Mr. Miyagi wants to talk to you about your form, Gary:

Spoiler

 

 

He tells them about the people he "had to deal with" in South Dakota, who told him he could lose his salvation if he had a bad dream and died in the middle of it. Such a brave confrontation - he fails to tell them that these people were teenage boys.

Panting, he says he won't do the next reading, due to time, then changes his mind, and says 1 Thessalonians chapter 5, "ah've got to hurry up, some y'all got to go home watch Ah Love Lucy," doesn't give a verse, and tells them "it's very, very important."

Anyway, it's verse 17: Pray without ceasing.

"The reason we're where we're at today - people quit praying."

There are 24 hours in a day, and we're supposed to give God a tenth of everything.

And the video cuts off.

[Dana723]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

which Gary kept referring to as having her screws tightened

As opposed to Gary who lost his...

[postscript]

Ew, did not need to see Gary’s bare thigh in that hospital picture. 

Trump is “Mr. President?” Get over it, Gary. He’s no longer in office. You’re entitled not to like the current incumbent, but stop talking about Trump as if he were leading a shadow government from Mar-a-Lago. 

He gets quite a workout during these sermons, doesn’t he? 

[Xan]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Then, apropos of nothing: "Ah found out something about churches that ah go to. They think yer supposed to eat - late at night." Long pause, while he pants. "And ah do it. And then ah pay for it. But God supplahd mah needs. Amen. God take keer of me!"

Gary, now it's my turn to say "Huh?" like you always do. Are you saying that God brings you Zantac, or just that you are grateful for food, even if it is served too late for a man who wants to go to bed at 9:30?

Gary says he lost that 80 pounds with a lot of prayer. He does his routine about loving Chinese food, and how there will be plenty of it in Heaven.

Gary thinks about food a lot of the time.  I think he has been backsliding on the diet and exercise and that the pants and shirts are getting tight again.  And, speaking from personal experience, there's nothing like knowing that you need to eat less to make you think about eating more.  He'd probably like to just go ahead and die so he can eat all of that Chinese food with no one stopping him.  For Gary, Heaven is no more heathens looking down on him and an endless all-you-can-eat buffet.

I think him talking recently about Becky cooking him food instead of eating out was regarding them being in the northeast now.  People up there have been more insistent on masks and Gary don't wear no mask, people.  I doubt he's been able to be inside many restaurants.

From the rare times that I try to listen to him, he seems to be screaming more now.  I think he's decided that the repetitive phrasing, the quavering voice, and the screaming make him sound like his favorite old timey preachers.  He thinks he's hit his groove.  I'm pretty sure that he just can't understand why the crowd isn't amen-ing all over the place about how much truth he's putting out there.  

Edited August 29, 2021 by Xan

[smittykins]

8 hours ago, Dana723 said:

As opposed to Gary who lost his...

You’re assuming he had them to begin with. 

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, Xan said:

I think he's decided that the repetitive phrasing, the quavering voice, and the screaming make him sound like his favorite old timey preachers.  He thinks he's hit his groove.

One of the things that makes his crap about how he hates "entertainment," and how sincere he is, so transparently dishonest, is that he clearly experiments with techniques all the time. I assume he copies all of them from preachers he's heard, whether from the long-gone past or more recent.

He had a "huh" after every sentence phase, way back when. He's tried various lengths and volume of his screamfests. The quaver comes and goes. His dance moves change sometimes.

What seemed new (or back, and I just don't remember it from a past incarnation) during this last NY series was a really, really long last syllable to every screamgasm. And I think the crescendo-decrescendo went to a louder, higher-pitched center.

I wish he'd just admit there are techniques, and that he tries them. It just makes him more of a liar not to do so.

And you're right, I am pretty sure he has gained back some of the weight he lost - possibly half of it or more. I can speak from experience, as well - it's not easy to maintain a weight loss. Next time, save the larger clothes, Gary, just in case. He may be trying again - he's mentioned taking walks, and eating a lot of melon, which seems to be his "I'm on a diet" food. 🤷‍♀️

Black Creek Baptist church Belfast NY, Wednesday night, 8/25. There are two videos - the first is only two minutes long, so I assume there were technical issues.

This is the church from which Dale Morey runs the prison ministry - we heard him at the revival in Newark OH. No, not the one with the overalls. 😁

Gary says Bro Dale asked how he wanted to be introduced, and Gary just warned him not to lie enough to go to Hell. Then he said the meal and fellowshipping were good, tells them to take his prayer cards, compliments Dale on his prison ministry, says "ah wish mah family'd go to jail, at least they'd have a chance t'hear the gospel. amen." He chuckles. "They don't lahk me sayin' that but that's OK, it's mah family, ah can say what ah wohnt to about 'em amen."

On to the next video. This place has interesting architecture.

Spoiler

Gary's already in screaming mode when the second video begins, berating them to love their "pasture." If he rubs your cat the wrong way "just flip the stupid thing around."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A18-20&version=KJV

Excess comes out "excees," as usual.

We missed the first reading and the segue to his message and title, but this is Gary's Why Church Isn't Fun Anymore spiel.

This is the good music vs. bad music section, and, besides the things you've heard many times, Gary says (he won't tell us where he was, but it was recent!) the musical group at a church event started singing and "ah almost thought - ah maht have entered in to a bar!"

"They was dancin', was clothes - their clothes was improper - you can take it for what that's worth, amen, an' got up there an' ah mean listen doin' all kindsa crazy things listen we don't need the smokestacks, amen!"

I wonder when and where that was. Everyone on the videos has stood still to sing and the women have all been in ankle-length skirts.

Gary says they have to be very careful about what instruments to use. "Beatin' - this beatin' stuff don't go, listen hey we don't need that, the piana was pretty good, amen?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+2%3A4-5&version=KJV

This is the section about preaching. He screams about Carl Lackey, modern preachers being entertainers, but he preaches "what thus sayeth the worda God," etc.

He claims that, if someone came up to him and showed him how any part of his preaching was not biblical, he would apologize.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+29%3A18&version=KJV

This is the vision section. He says they should "get off their pride" and go sit with some sinners to tell them about God.

But most of it, as usual, is about "getting behind your preacher," even if he wants to spend money on something, like a new building.

Also, give out "tractsssss." "Ah kin tellya this much, ah handed one today, ah stopped over somewhere got me a canteloupe an' ah handed a - ah ah think it was a Mennonaht or whatever an' ah don't know what kinda religion they really got but whatever but ah give a track said 'You must be born again.' She didn't lahk it."

Someone chuckles.

"Ya say 'Whatcha do with it?' Ah left it there. Maybe she'll get holta that thing, get born again, amen?"

He says that, as he travels up and down the road, "mah wahf's always on her phone, amen pray for me that ah'll be able t'have a wahf that'll communicate with me some a'these days amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A12-16&version=KJV

Gary interrupts his reading twice, to make sure they know that Satan should not have a dwelling place in their church.

We're not having fun in church because we're not taking a stand against anything.

Billy Sunday's own son is "burning in Hell tonaht, bein' an alkeeholic."

He screams about not watching the news, which leads to his usual asides about Biden not being president, being "puppenahzed," losing our religious rights, etc.

He's worried that, on the 20th anniversary of 9/11, "what happened at the Whaht House an' what happened in Pennsylvania may happen again."

Long silence.

"Don't dah ohn me now, bless God, hey ah think you, ah ah think you been goin' the wrong way amen!"

Gary, maybe they're not yelling AMEN! because they are wondering what happened at the White House on 9/11.

Oh, and, in case you've forgotten, "bless God" is Gary's way to express impatience or anger at someone.

He goes back to our rights being taken away, and gets amens again, then goes into his "ah haven't made light of this pandemic" shit. Oh, and now he's back to saying he thinks he had it, with a new twist - "before Chahna knew what it was. Ah think ah had it before it was ever innerduced to America."

Neat trick, for a guy who never leaves the continental US.

He screeches about people who haven't gone to church, but have gone to "Walmarts."

"An' here - here you listen t'me, an' you listen t'me well - ah'm gon' tellya wha we're where we're at.  People - heh - didn't have t'go work a job, amen ah said something at the gas station today an' ah - the man musta didn't lahk what ah said 'cause he walked off 'cause we makin' a lazy generation. Listen, mah daddy taught me t'work listen hey ah have worked some durin' this pandemic, amen?"

No, other than being forced to move some furniture around in Maine (and I bet you were very little real help), you've played your favorite game - Important Preacher Man. It's entirely a fantasy of an almost-49-year-old baby.

He does his routine about the rapture coming during Wednesday night service.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-16&version=KJV

Cesaerea Phillipi is one of the things Gary can usually say, but he gets totally tangled up, repeatedly saying "Cesaeri" and being unable to get past it for a while.

This is the "we've forgotten who God is" section. Nothing new. The tadpoles make a return, after a long absence, and I'm happy to say that nobody laughs.

Gary announces Jude 21, makes his usual joke about throwing out your bible if it has more than one chapter for Jude, starts to read it, then realizes he wanted Jude 22. I would have thought he'd have that memorized by now - I do. As ever, he reads it wrong.

KJV: And of some have compassion, making a difference
BGV: Some havin' compassion, makin' a difference

Gary tells the story of the guy who was inspired to go to Mexico after watching the video God directed Gary to make about being a pastor in the US. I love the fact that Gary repeatedly tells a story about how someone was inspired by his video, to not do what he said to do in the video. Mysterious ways, I guess.

This time, he dramatizes the man praying in his prayer closet, yelling and karate-chopping "I wanna have a Pacific place, Lord an' ah wanna go there, an' be a church planter, ta start some church!"

I hope the prayer closet was a large walk-in, so the man didn't hurt his hand.

Oh, and we find out that the man's wife was from Mexico, which Gary has never mentioned before, that I remember. Maybe God wanted her to be able to see some relatives, and that's why the man couldn't persuade Him to send them to a Pacific place in the US.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians+1%3A9&version=KJV

Gary screams about people not preaching Jesus, the story about the pastor who I think was complimenting him (but Gary thought he was admitting to not being saved), the routine about someone paying his restaurant bill, etc.

And he's saying his final prayer when the video ends.

[clese]

Three things

Gary has definitely put on the pork

Why are baptists so fat..isn't gluttony a thing??

And why does gary insist on cupping his ear and saying amen.? It makes me so pissy and I wish I had a giant fly swat i could whack at his head everytime he does it..

That is all

Edited August 30, 2021 by clese
Typo

[Bluebirdbluebell]

On 8/29/2021 at 1:33 AM, thoughtful said:

Shreds of things that might have been sentences if he ever finished them come out of his mouth for a while. They are meaningless, but loud

Meaningless but loud is potential thread title.

On 8/29/2021 at 1:33 AM, thoughtful said:

He screams about how, when someone changes churches, the Bible says the pastors are obligated to talk to one another about why it happened. Or, as he puts it, one pastor should "fahnd out what the results is goin' ohn an' wha they left the church an' then vahs versa the other way is s'posedta be the same way.

This is one of his greatest word salads I've ever seen. The other way is supposed to be the same way.

 

 

[Xan]

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

One of the things that makes his crap about how he hates "entertainment," and how sincere he is, so transparently dishonest, is that he clearly experiments with techniques all the time. I assume he copies all of them from preachers he's heard, whether from the long-gone past or more recent.

He had a "huh" after every sentence phase, way back when. He's tried various lengths and volume of his screamfests. The quaver comes and goes. His dance moves change sometimes.

What seemed new (or back, and I just don't remember it from a past incarnation) during this last NY series was a really, really long last syllable to every screamgasm. And I think the crescendo-decrescendo went to a louder, higher-pitched center.

I wish he'd just admit there are techniques, and that he tries them. It just makes him more of a liar not to do so.

And you're right, I am pretty sure he has gained back some of the weight he lost - possibly half of it or more. I can speak from experience, as well - it's not easy to maintain a weight loss. Next time, save the larger clothes, Gary, just in case. He may be trying again - he's mentioned taking walks, and eating a lot of melon, which seems to be his "I'm on a diet" food. 🤷‍♀️

Black Creek Baptist church Belfast NY, Wednesday night, 8/25. There are two videos - the first is only two minutes long, so I assume there were technical issues.

This is the church from which Dale Morey runs the prison ministry - we heard him at the revival in Newark OH. No, not the one with the overalls. 😁

Gary says Bro Dale asked how he wanted to be introduced, and Gary just warned him not to lie enough to go to Hell. Then he said the meal and fellowshipping were good, tells them to take his prayer cards, compliments Dale on his prison ministry, says "ah wish mah family'd go to jail, at least they'd have a chance t'hear the gospel. amen." He chuckles. "They don't lahk me sayin' that but that's OK, it's mah family, ah can say what ah wohnt to about 'em amen."

On to the next video. This place has interesting architecture.

  Hide contents

Gary's already in screaming mode when the second video begins, berating them to love their "pasture." If he rubs your cat the wrong way "just flip the stupid thing around."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A18-20&version=KJV

Excess comes out "excees," as usual.

We missed the first reading and the segue to his message and title, but this is Gary's Why Church Isn't Fun Anymore spiel.

This is the good music vs. bad music section, and, besides the things you've heard many times, Gary says (he won't tell us where he was, but it was recent!) the musical group at a church event started singing and "ah almost thought - ah maht have entered in to a bar!"

"They was dancin', was clothes - their clothes was improper - you can take it for what that's worth, amen, an' got up there an' ah mean listen doin' all kindsa crazy things listen we don't need the smokestacks, amen!"

I wonder when and where that was. Everyone on the videos has stood still to sing and the women have all been in ankle-length skirts.

Gary says they have to be very careful about what instruments to use. "Beatin' - this beatin' stuff don't go, listen hey we don't need that, the piana was pretty good, amen?"

.............

He says that, as he travels up and down the road, "mah wahf's always on her phone, amen pray for me that ah'll be able t'have a wahf that'll communicate with me some a'these days amen."

There's always something of interest in the Bro Gary sermons.  That church is just odd.  Is the guy in the bright blue tee shirt just waiting in some side section for the sermon to be over?  And -- stairs?  Why would the pulpit be at the doorway?  So many questions.

As for the story about the inappropriate music -- I don't believe it.  You're right.  We've seen the musical numbers at these meetings.  None were bordering on Gary's hated honky-tonk.  I think he just made it up so he wouldn't have to admit that he came across something on his car radio.

And for the comment about Becky -- I don't blame her for being on her phone.  I doubt that Gary every says anything of note.  She ought to tell him that he can pray about his next wife communicating with him, cooking for him, and going to "the Walmarts" for him.  Then she should pack her bag and leave.

[postscript]

Yes, there’s always something of interest, even when he repeats things we’ve heard a thousand times before.

Reading the comments about music, I can’t help wondering what he would think of the Rodrigues circus. They wear long skirts and don’t play music with a beat. However, they also use a weird assortment of instruments, plus hand motions and animal sounds. Plus Jill marches the entire family onstage for maximum heart-tugging potential. Would all of this be acceptable to Gary’s impossibly narrow standards? Didn’t they cross paths at some point?

The Gary working hard (and the rest of the world doesn’t) thing comes up so regularly one has to imagine he hears frequent criticisms of his work ethic. His definition of “work” seems to be flexible and includes manual labor for everyone other than himself. He’s all too ready to forget that in the many videos he makes of the tent being raised, he’s almost always seen directing operations, not wielding a hammer. On the rare occasions he hammers in a stake, he makes sure his audience knows about it. 

[Xan]

51 minutes ago, postscript said:

Yes, there’s always something of interest, even when he repeats things we’ve heard a thousand times before.

Reading the comments about music, I can’t help wondering what he would think of the Rodrigues circus. They wear long skirts and don’t play music with a beat. However, they also use a weird assortment of instruments, plus hand motions and animal sounds. Plus Jill marches the entire family onstage for maximum heart-tugging potential. Would all of this be acceptable to Gary’s impossibly narrow standards? Didn’t they cross paths at some point?

Bro Gary knows the Rods.  They travel in the same circles and one of them has commented on the other's Facebook page at one point.  I think he's okay with them and their instruments because they don't seem to dance or sway with the music.

[thoughtful]

 

4 hours ago, Xan said:

That church is just odd.  Is the guy in the bright blue tee shirt just waiting in some side section for the sermon to be over?  And -- stairs?  Why would the pulpit be at the doorway?  So many questions.

I kept watching the parts of the video where the camera was swinging around and zooming in and out, to try to figure it out. I even googled to try to find more images of the inside of the church, but only found one, that didn't help.

All I could guess is that the rectangle on the left, framed by wood, in which we see the stairs, is not an opening to another room, but a mirror. Whether it's on the wall (which makes the lack of molding on the left side of the door through which we see the white shelves really strange), or a huge piece of furniture that sticks out toward us more than it appears to, I can't tell.

Spoiler

It's a small building.

Spoiler

Maybe it was designed by M. C. Escher.

 

4 hours ago, Xan said:

As for the story about the inappropriate music -- I don't believe it.  You're right.  We've seen the musical numbers at these meetings.  None were bordering on Gary's hated honky-tonk. 

There may have been such a musical group at an event, that we never saw. Many of the videos are not a whole service - just the preaching or just the Hawkinses' participation.

It might have been an event that Gary didn't video, although there haven't been many of those lately. And, of course, who knows how recent it really was. Gary's descriptions of time are always weird. It could have been last year.

But, in any case, I doubt they were in thongs, gyrating on a pole. There may have been a sleeveless dress or a woman in slacks, men in jeans, and the occasional lifted hand or movement to the beat of the music.

BTW, the "no beat" thing makes me nuts. All music has a beat - OK, there may be some aleatory experiments that don't, like Cage's 4'33''. But really, all of the music they play and sing in church has a beat.

I think each of these idiots has a slightly different idea in the their mind of just what too much "beat" is. It may have more to do with the timbre and pitch  of the instruments involved (bass guitar, for example, probably means "sin," to a lot of them), and whether it makes them want to move the middle of their bodies, than anything else.

Also, anything that strikes them as vaguely non-white probably qualifies for most of them. For some, it might be syncopation - the sensation of emphasizing a part of the rhythm that is (ironically!) not the main, steady beat. Seventh and ninth chords, blues scales, and certain chord progressions might be of the devil to some (which is the harmonic content, and has nothing to do with rhythm or the beat).

They might really mean the use of a rhythmic ostinato (which comes from the popular culture they claim to hate - lots of people use the word "beat" for what is actually an ostinato or underlying rhythm).

Gospel Boogie, the song that Samuel Rodrigues lip-synced for a video Jill put on Facebook years ago (this group, I think), and that the Rods were singing at the table recently, and stopped when Jill came in (the best I've ever heard them sing, I think), might horrify Gary. But it's hard to say - if he's only heard it by the alternate title, Eveybody's Gonna Have a Wonderful Time Up There, and he doesn't realize that the bass line for that is what is actually meant by the term "boogie-woogie," he might love it. It's so random.

We have joints all over our bodies, and they are all meant to bend. Movement of the feet or hips is no more sinful than Gary's stupid seal-clapping, shadow-boxing and head-tilting, all of which he does on the beat (if he finds it).

Edited August 30, 2021 by thoughtful
fixing spoiler

[Alisamer]

9 hours ago, clese said:

Why are baptists so fat..isn't gluttony a thing??

Hey, I resemble that remark!

Baptists aren't all fat, of course. But Baptists are well known for covered dish suppers, dinner on the grounds, etc. It's mostly a Southern cutural thing more than a Baptist thing in my experience, but if a Baptist church is having a special event, chances are the ladies of the church are all making big pots of their best comfort food dishes and fanciest desserts and everyone's eating a meal together. Fellowship, you know. 

Which is fine since most people go to the same church so one big meal in the fellowship hall every couple months isn't a big deal. But Gary doesn't - he travels from church to church. So if most of the churches have a fellowship meal to welcome him, and then the ladies of course will insist on him and Becky taking leftovers, and somebody else will take them out to eat for a meal, and somebody else decides to bless them and bring them homemade dinner one night and someone else gives them a bag of homemade snacks to take on the road...

I can see why it'd be hard for Gary to keep the weight off. It's hard enough when you are at home and planning your own meals, much less when nearly all your food intake is grifted and people are, therefore, showing off their "best" dishes. 

People aren't generally bringing salads to a covered dish. It's grandma's baked macaroni and cheese, and fried chicken, and spinach and artichoke dip, potato salad, green beans, dinner rolls, ham, mashed potatoes with gravy, green bean casserole, pasta salad, etc. And then there's cakes, oooey gooey butter bars, brownies, cookies, cupcakes, more cookies...

[Xan]

New post up and, I'll admit it, I'm confused.

Is Betty Rubble dressed appropriately here or not?  Is Gary showing a cartoon lady as an example of KJV Biblical dressing or is she the sinner we're not supposed to copy?  Frankly, I think that dress would be a little short on me and I certainly can't get my hands to do that but I do like that she can do bare shoulders.  (And why are her hands longer than her feet?)

[Alisamer]

8 minutes ago, Xan said:

New post up and, I'll admit it, I'm confused.

Is Betty Rubble dressed appropriately here or not?  Is Gary showing a cartoon lady as an example of KJV Biblical dressing or is she the sinner we're not supposed to copy?  Frankly, I think that dress would be a little short on me and I certainly can't get my hands to do that but I do like that she can do bare shoulders.  (And why are her hands longer than her feet?)

How can they tell if that skirt's long enough or not when Betty doesn't have knees?

[thoughtful]

See if your wife is Biblical dressing?

Is Biblical dressing what Gary puts on his crotch salad?

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38/posts/4509462152431917

[AmazonGrace]

Betty doesn't show breasts or butt in that pic so maybe the picture is just a serving suggestion.

[postscript]

Biblical dressing? Is that vinaigrette, ranch, thousand island? And is Betty meant to be an example of good or bad attire? 

[thoughtful]

I don't think anyone's posted this yet. It's basically Gary's "I hate the Democrats as much as you do, but all the bad things are really your own fault for not praying, and telling them them to get saved" riff.

Spoiler

Yesterday morning, at a church that remains unidentified, Gary annoys them for even more reps of "How many's glad" than usual, dismisses them with a wave of the hand and says "been in New York too long's all ah kin tell ya."

But, of course, it's all meant in good fun. 🙄

There are two videos, each only a few minutes long, so the devil must have been in the technology again.

In the second video, Gary is ranting at them about their purpose being church and supporting their pastor, not worrying about "the Covid." He presents both of his well-researched theories about his own health - if anybody should have gotten it, he should have, because he travels so much (which implies that he hasn't had it), and he thinks he had it "before the guv'mint knew what it was."

He tells them he has lung problems - he's had  . . . (Becky fills in, "pneumonia") and "bronkahtis."

But he's not worried about Covid, he's worried about lost souls.

While telling them that we need to be "inkurridged amen to just keep ohn goin'," he says "do you know wha we have horses that any of ya that remember in back in the days when they had those horses an' they put blahndfolds on 'em so they couldn't see what's goin' ohn over here an' so they didn't mess up the gardens an' the farms an' ever'thing an' they had their ahs plugged up an' they had their ahs goin' a certain way ah b'lieve we got some Christians that need that t'day. Amen?"

Aw, Gary, I thought you'd corrected that one - blinders, not blindfolds.

Only Becky and one man respond, and Gary grumbles "Ah thought you was from North Carolahna, Hallelujah. Amen."

A reminder - Gary says "Hallelujah" when he's pissed off.

I guess he thinks they didn't get the reference because they are not rural or southern enough. No, Gary, it's because you make no sense.

He berates them about the purpose of the church being soul winning.

After he announces Matthew chapter 11, then realizes he wants Matthew chapter 3, and stops to correct it in his steno book, the video cuts off.

And you know what Eliza Dolittle would say.

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

While telling them that we need to be "inkurridged amen to just keep ohn goin'," he says "do you know wha we have horses that any of ya that remember in back in the days when they had those horses an' they put blahndfolds on 'em so they couldn't see what's goin' ohn over here an' so they didn't mess up the gardens an' the farms an' ever'thing an' they had their ahs plugged up an' they had their ahs goin' a certain way ah b'lieve we got some Christians that need that t'day. Amen?"

Yeah Gary, just what the world needs, more Christians who can't see what's going on over here.