Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[thoughtful]

Gary starts his part of the 8/12 service with "Thursday, night, amen?" He mumbles something about his mike, then, with no energy, "Good t'see ya tonaht, amen? Good to be in the house of the Lord, good to be able to be under the tent, amen?"

Aw, Gary - are you sad that Pastor Smith took your schtick?

The Hawkins family sings. I mostly fast-forward, but listen to enough to know that they still sound pretty awful, and that one of the songs is I Believe He's Coming Back, which contains the deathless lyric  (referring to the Rapture) "When the saints of every nation will lose gravitation."

As he comes to the lectern, Gary tries to be funny about people who aren't happy enough that they're going to heaven, and how it's a sad day we're in when people get excited about everything except Jesus.

He announces 1 Thessalonians, verse 13. Ooops, Gary - no chapter. I figure it out.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Thessalonians+4%3A13-18&version=KJV

Before he gives his message, Gary "inkerridges" them to bring someone with them the next night. "And the reason bein' is, number 1, so we kin give 'em the gospel, and number 2, so they kin he'p us - they kin take this - tent down, amen?"

He even sets up a competition, saying that, at the last place, it took an hour and half to get it down, and he wants to see them beat that time.

Back to the message - Gary knows the Lord is coming back. While he expounds on that, this comes out of his mouth: "And he said you could see the tahm, now listen, now uh uh we not gonna, ah wahnna say in the part it says listen hey one a'these days, he's gonna bring - he's gonna come back, he's gonna step out on the cloud, he's gonna blow that trumpet an' the deahhhhd in Chrahst first will rahs. Now ahwahnna say, some people go t'the funeral home, an'  they respec' their love ones that's gohn ohn an' put flowers or whatever they do there an' ever'thing, but you know what would be great if you happened to be at the funeral - uh, at the gravesite, an' the Lord come, y'd have a heart attack an' you'd go with the dead in Christ first amen? That be a good thing, that might be the only reason ah'd go to a graveyard, ah don't lahk goin' to them places that's where dead people hang out amen?"

We get lots of his usual crap about signs of the end times, and how God isn't allowing any of it, people are just doing bad things (except he still thinks the pandemic was a test from God). We, the "lost," are just doing what we are supposed to be doing - Gary's disappointed in "God's people" not behaving like he thinks they should.

He has been saying something before the second reading of each message for a while now, that I don't think I've put in a recap - he tells them to keep their Bibles open, because they're going to read a lot of scriptures. Sometimes he adds that, of course, that's because it's God's word that matters, not Gary's. He says both this time.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+24%3A36&version=KJV

Gary screams about nobody knowing the day or the hour for a while. He thinks we haven't seen enough persecution yet.

He has a screaming argument with an imaginary opponent. "You say 'They trahd to shut our churches down. Last year.' Yeah, an' guess what?  A lot of the people set down, give it to 'em, gave it up, an' shut their churches down, went home, played their gamesss,  and now we're where we at today. Amen?"

I have no idea what that has to do with not having seen enough persecution for this to be the absolute end of the end time.

And he goes into a rant about how he enjoys arguing with people on Facebook about "this vahris. Ah do, ah'm proud of it! Amen! Ah'm listen, ah ain't making fun of it, Brother Mark had it."

As ever, he shrieks about how, in the old days, everyone had common sense and stayed home if they were sick. But they said you could go to Walmarts or work ("if ya had a job") with the virus, but not to church. "And if the news didn't say that, ah'm not standing here, amen!"

 Purposely lying or just that stupid? Flip a coin.

He wishes they could pump the air conditioned air from the church out to the tent.

He goes into his routine about hoping the Lord comes on a Sunday or Wednesday evening, so only the bad churchgoers who only do Sunday morning are not where they should be when God shows up. "'Cause, an' listen, ah'm gonna tell ya raht now, if you ain't  thinkin' enough about t'go to church - if you don't have enough thoughts on you t'go back t'church ohn Sunday naht, and you don't have enough thoughts about you t'go back on church ohn Sunday naht - er, Wednesday naht, guess what?  Ah'll tell you what you ain't doin', you ain't thinkin' about God. Amen?"

I guess those people don't get raptured, by Gary's rules?

We get "if ah have to do the preachin' and the amennin'," and "everybody has the raht to be wrong."

After ranting about nobody knowing when God is coming, and how He will be on time whenever it is, because He chose it already, Gary says "Ah think He should have already came," because we're living in such a dark and wicked time. But wait - what happened to Gary thinking God hasn't come yet because there hasn't been enough persecution?

"But we listen hey ahmahnna tellya what ah think we got in a lot of our Baptist churches today, 'cause they're not thinking anything about the Lord comin', an' what  they're thinkin' about is listen hey we got a buncha sissies. You don't have to agree with me - that's OK. Ah seen today - Mr. Bahden said - if you are in the Army, whatever rick it is you in, you'll either take the shot, or you'll go home."

There is silence after this weird segue.  I don't know whether "rick" is supposed to be "rig," "rank," or something else. He accuses them of not "keeping up with what's goin' ohn in our country, in our military." This from the guy who's always telling them to stop watching or reading the news.

He tells them he knocked on the door of someone that day who wasn't "innerested in the track" or the flyer or the revival. He had something on his door about having been in "some part of the service. Listen, ah didn't slam the door in his face, ah didn't cuss him out, ah didn't say anything bad about him for not bein' innerested - ah thanked him for servin' our country." Screamin: "'Cause it's men lahk that that stood up for the raht! You know what's in our military raht now? A buncha sissiessss! Haymen!"

Gary, how very kind of you to not slam the man's own door in his face. Also, were you just assuming that he "stood up for the right" due to demographics? Was he old, white, both? If it was a sticker on the door, how do you know it wasn't his child or grandchild, possibly even someone female, non-white and/or gay, who served? How do you know this man wasn't in the forefront of progressive changes in the service?

Idiot.

It does register on him how far he has drifted, and says "Ah don't know what this got to do with the Lord's comin', but ah b'lieve ah ought t'say it amen."

After some more about not knowing when the Lord is coming, he does his "Let me move ohn, ah done made half of ya mad amen."

Awww Lady awwws.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+24%3A37-39&version=KJV

Our times are like the days of Noah. While being treated to a meal by the preacher, they "was talkin' a little bit, and they're now saying that we are having a shortage of food."

Amos or Hosea, he can't remember which, says there is going to be a "faymin," but not of food, of the word of God.

He's screaming about the good old days "whenever we had some men and women and some boys and girls - " someone must have come to the back of the tent, because he throws in "come on in have a set down," then goes back to screaming, "had some men and women and some boys and girls that had some guts about 'em, an' had some God about 'em an' they would git up an' they would proclaim what thus saith the worda God! But now because - ha ha -because we're lookin' at harah - harmless tahms, an' rough tahms, an' listen hey! You see what' goin' ohn in our country - people are willin' t'set down, give our religious rahts up, give our churches up, give America up!"

I think that he was trying to say his usual "perilous tahms,"  but the word "horrible" sprung to his mind, and it came out "harmless." Unintentional Gary humor - I love it.

He quiets down a bit - but I do want to point out that this came next, with no segue or gap. "Ah was peekin' with the preacher yesterday ah believe it was, we was talkin' about flags. Now listen, do not cawwl mah Confederate flag a rebel flag if you don't know the story an' you don't know the history behahnd the Confederate flag, you don't know much. It was not a rebel flag. Haymen. An' if ya don't know much about it, y'can look on Google an' fahnd out all of the real true history. Yer not gonna fahnd it out about the public schools, yer not gonna fahnd it out from the Southerners and the Northerners an' th'Easterners nor th'Westerners, yer gonna fahnd about in th'real books thatchu  fahnd - fahnd on th'thing. But, do you know what? Do you know what now is consoversy? Do you now - do you know what now is offending American people? Is the American flag."

Oh, and I assume he meant "speaking." But it really did come out "peeking," which was amusing.

He shrieks about people wanting to desecrate the American flag, which he seems to think is a recent phenomenon (first known case, according to this source - 1862, by, I presume, a Confederate). That makes today "THE DAYS OF NOEE!"

Oh, also "THE DAYS OF LOT!" That, of course, precedes the crap about the public schools trying to turn boys into girls and girls into boys.

When the reaction to his last rant is quiet, he says "Man, Lord ah wish you'da told me this wasn't gonna be popular, ah might have, might not have even showed up mahself."

Chuckles.

He says that he doesn't need to get more meetings, because he's all booked up - he's just looking for people who want to hear the truth.

"But now, the sodomahts are comin' out. You know wha they're comin' out? Because the Christians have come outta the prayer closets. Amen! They quit prayin'. See, ever'body want Trump back all of a sudden, but do you know wha we no longer have Trump? 'Cause we quit prayin'."

After more screaming about this being the days of Lot, he pouts, "Ah'll prob'ly have t'take the tent down bah mahself tomorrah naht, it'll be alraht."

Chuckles, including an Awww Lady awwww/chuckle.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+24%3A44&version=KJV

He screams about people not having their minds on the coming of the Lord. Gary looks at clouds as he travels, thinking how many of them look perfect for Jesus to ride in on.

Awww Lady awwws at one of his cloud descriptions.

Now comes the anti-TV rant, and how the news depresses everyone. "The devil's suckin' their brain out, an' he's puttin' the CNN in there, an' he's puttin' the bad stuff in there, an' he's destroyin' their mahnds, amen!"

The next shriek assures them that the devil has given Joe Bahden lots of ideas for destroying America, but the problem is that the people of God are "settin' back in their lazy chairs" not soulwinning and preaching before God comes back.

"Some people do get this thing called old-timers. It's a disease."

No, Gary, that's Alzheimer's.

Anyway, what's wrong with most people is not old-timers or Alzheimer's - it's that the devil has their minds.

"Ah git these foreign people to talk to me overseas, 'cause mah wahf won't talk to me, somebody's got to, amen."

Awww Lady awww/chuckles.

Anyway, the "foreign people" want Gary to come to their country and preach (citation needed, Gary). But, of course, he has a burden for America.

He talks about Lighthouse Baptist needing a "pasture," and only having four people left. Gary's trying to help. Also, he and Becky and Jacob had to take the tent down all by themselves somewhere because the preacher and his wife were having problems. But he's not complaining.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A3&version=KJV

You shouldn't be depressed - the Lord is coming back for those who are saved. He screams about ("what was your name again?") Miss Valerie getting "borned again."

Later, mid-scream, he forgets the name of the church, as well.

One soul being saved is worth it, but he does remind them that seven got saved in Ohio.

The rest is all stuff you've heard before - the video cuts off while Gary is still rambling on.

[Xan]

15 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"Ah git these foreign people to talk to me overseas, 'cause mah wahf won't talk to me, somebody's got to, amen."

Awww Lady awww/chuckles.

Anyway, the "foreign people" want Gary to come to their country and preach (citation needed, Gary). But, of course, he has a burden for America.

I've noticed on Gary's page that there are a few people from African countries and from India who post comments and say they're watching.  I think they're just phishing for friends or hoping to start some sort of con.  I guess Gary thinks they really want him over there.  You know, Gar, we all wish that too.

I'm constantly surprised at how Gary can be on the wrong side of pretty much everything.  Now he's talking about the Confederate flag?  Who would've guessed.

That line. "When the saints of every nation will lose gravitation," was so amusing that I had to go listen to the song.  Thanks for posting the link.  The Happy Goodmans have a delightful rendition.  The lady in the trio has outstanding 1960's Southern Baptist hair.

Spoiler

 

 

[postscript]

He's in Pennsylvania for this message, isn't he?  Not sure that's the best place to defend the Confederate flag. Though it sounds like he never did get to what he sees as its true meaning .

"Everybody wants Trump back" - actually, I know a lot of everybodies who don't. 

[thoughtful]

22 minutes ago, Xan said:

The lady in the trio has outstanding 1960's Southern Baptist hair.

But she's wearing that which pertaineth to a man!

[AmazonGrace]

Spoiler

When the reaction to his last rant is quiet, he says "Man, Lord ah wish you'da told me this wasn't gonna be popular, ah might have, might not have even showed up mahself."

 

It's not about Gary. 

[thoughtful]

8 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

  Hide contents

When the reaction to his last rant is quiet, he says "Man, Lord ah wish you'da told me this wasn't gonna be popular, ah might have, might not have even showed up mahself."

 

It's not about Gary. 

Yeah - this whole message was full of Gary's bruised ego.

He tried to do this, and a lot of his petulant comments, in that teasing way that confident preachers do, as if it's just a joke to prod the listeners a little. But Gary is not a good actor, and, I think, not actually confident, so that tinge of resentment bled through.

Gary posted (and whatshername commented). In this case, Gary's failure to put the possessive apostrophe and s on LORD made his last sentence something FJers can support.

Spoiler

 

[Dana723]

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Awww Lady awwws.

So I was drinking some Coca-Cola while reading this, and I hit this line, and I had forgotten all about her.  I spewed Coke up my nose.  Coca-Cola that is, not cocaine.

[Dana723]

15 hours ago, Xan said:

I've noticed on Gary's page that there are a few people from African countries and from India who post comments and say they're watching.  I think they're just phishing for friends or hoping to start some sort of con.  I guess Gary thinks they really want him over there.  You know, Gar, we all wish that too.

I'm constantly surprised at how Gary can be on the wrong side of pretty much everything.  Now he's talking about the Confederate flag?  Who would've guessed.

That line. "When the saints of every nation will lose gravitation," was so amusing that I had to go listen to the song.  Thanks for posting the link.  The Happy Goodmans have a delightful rendition.  The lady in the trio has outstanding 1960's Southern Baptist hair.

  Hide contents

 

 

I can't hate on the song too much as it sounds like the music I grew up with in the church and brought some memories back of singing in church.  The words though...

[Antipatriarch]

17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Awww Lady awwws.

I'm'a miss Awww Lady when she's gone!

[thoughtful]

46 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

So I was drinking some Coca-Cola while reading this, and I hit this line, and I had forgotten all about her.  I spewed Coke up my nose.  Coca-Cola that is, not cocaine.

I apologize.

I never eat or drink while reading FJ. There are funny posters, and disgusting subjects - either way, something bad is likely to happen.

Friday the 13th, under the tent, Pastor Smith is saying "There's Miss Michelle, praise the Lord," in a surprised voice, as the video starts.

@Dana723, swallow!

Awww Lady awwwws.

Pastor Smith counts how many services they have had in a row, including both from Sunday, on his fingers.

Spoiler

They sing What a Friend We Have in Jesus, pastor prays condescendingly, Gary moans a bit. Pastor announces that he wants to recognize someone who "made an extra special effort to be here today, because, y'see, it would have been easy to stay home today - today is his birthday."

Awww Lady awwws, of course.

They sing Happy Birthday (with "God bless you" where "dear _______ " belongs) to the birthday boy.

Greetings and hugs, announcements. He says they are "honored to have folks with us tonight from, uh Friendship - Friendship - Liberty - Lighthouse! Lighthouse Baptist Church."

I think Gary's mindlessness is rubbing off on this guy.

They sing No, Not One. They are more than 13 minutes into the video, which started after the service, and he says they are going to "cut to the chase" due to the weather, oh, and because Gary has something on his heart that he wants to share.

After a limp "good to be under the tent," Gary says they're going to "sing a coupla songs real quick-lahk, an' ah'll give ya a message, an' we'll tayur the tent down amen."

The Hawkins family sings It's About the Cross and I Can't Quit.

Gary tells them about his Facebook post scolding people who do something for God, and then quit, and how that shows the unsaved that "there was nothin' to it." He also says he's "far from bein' perfect," but he has to live what he preaches, but some of them just listen to a message and a bible study every week "butcha never do nothin' with it."

And then he immediately thanks them for hosting the tent meeting. He says he'll come back next year if they've "got the guts." He also invites them to come to his next stop, Lighthouse in Altoona, especially since Colonial Hills doesn't have Sunday night services.

Gary announces 2 Corinthians 13, then, flipping pages in his steno book, says he wasn't even going to preach from notes, but "the Lord started givin' me some stuff," and he wrote it down. About the weather - God's got that under control.

"Ah wrote it down, now ah've lost it, praise the Lord . . .  Y'all wouldn't believe that, but that's OK . . .  ah wrote it down right where ah's s'posed t'wrote it down. . . it ain't there, so . . . OK, so - find it."

He flings the book at Becky.

Spoiler

This man is such a thug.

He announces the reading, "if the wind'll quit blowin' mah Bahble," and asks them to stand.

You said God has the weather under control, Gary - maybe it's a hint for you - did you look at the page that blew open? Was it any of these:

https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Bible-Verses-About-Arrogance/

And he still doesn't read - he mentions that there will be one more invitation tonight, and, "If ya don't take the opportunity, that's your bidness, that's up t'you, you say 'Ah'll do it when ah git home,' well ah done toldju one tahm ah'll tell ya agin no you won't that's OK you don't haveta listen to me you kin listen to the devil, 'n' he's deceived a lohhhhhhtta people, well amen."

While he's said all of this, Becky has handed back his steno book.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+13%3A1-5&version=KJV

Established becomes "extablished," and heretofore becomes "hereforto," and there are a few other changes. He makes this of his most beloved. and supposedly memorized, verse:

KJV: Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?
BGV: Examine yourself, whether ye be in the faith; prove - uh uh that you be in the faith - prove your own self. Know ye not your own self, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reptobate?

Gary is a singular fellow. I guess he thinks Paul was hinting meanly at one particular Corinthian.

He adds a bit about the weather, and getting somebody some help, to his usual post-reading prayer. I think he really wanted more notches on his soul belt, and good weather to take down the tent.

As usual, he starts his message with a mess of tangled words, zooming off into many directions. "Now, verse fahve, and ah use this when ah give mah testimony because  . . . there's so many people that - Paul told the Corinthian church examine yerself.  Now, we could take this verse an' ah am gonna use it a coupla different ways in the part but not takin' it outta context not uh takin' it away from anything because ah've got wonna them that believes takin' away from anything amen. But ah do know you can applah the whole Bahble ah was in Alabama some years ago 'n' this gah said the only part of the Bahble you needed was from . . . uh, if ah kin remember thissss. . . it was, uh  . . . ah cain't remember but it was just about six or seven booksa th'Bahble is all you needed for this lahftahm. Well ah'mgon' say sumpin' to ya -  ah know where th'Ol' Testament come from, ah know who th'Ol' Test' was written to, but there's some principles that ah kin take outta that amen? And uhhhhh, ahwanna tellya raht now, ah would not - ah'd be very careful uh trahin' t'take anything outta context an' sayin' you cain't use the Bahble because uh  . . . you're wrong. Amen."

A pause, then a yelp: "BUT EXAMINE YERSELF!"

"It appears that a lotta people say they're saved, but they're not. Ah don't know if the preacher remembers this or not, but wonna the people that showed up here Wendsdee naht he said sometahm he acts lahk he's saved, an' the next minute ah'm not quite sure. Well, that's what religion does t'ya, amen?"

He rambles about talking about God at the gas pump, and taking Becky to the chiropractor in Altoona: "if we could git her a cheap fee an' she'd flah where mah wahf was every month thing's'd be great amen."

The chiropractor told Becky she might come to the tent Thursday night. "Well, ah hope mah wahf rebukes 'er real good on Monday  because she did not come, amen."

Awww Lady awwwws (I'm going to miss her).

Gary says someone told him last night that they can't forgive themselves, and he told them that God could forgive them, so they "maht as well" forgive themselves. I think Gary may have finally shocked me - I never thought I'd hear him say that.

But, of course, most of his message is judgmental. He has now taken about 20 minutes to not get past "examine yerself."

He yells the story of the daughter (now he can't remember which one) who called out in the night to ask about the Judgment. "The Bahble says you either have wood, hay or stubble, or silver, gold and precious whatever it is."

He goes on about ashes and firewood, then, suddenly, "Any of ya that's got a little bit upset with me this week, here 's what ah wantchu t'do. We won't finish this message, and that'll be alraht, but here 's what ah wantchu t'do. Ah wantchu t'go home an' do some studyin' ohn some things that ah've said, see here's the reason you need to bring a Bahble and notebook - it's so you kin take some notes an' take it home wi' ya an' look at it yerself whenever we first got into a good Bahble-believing church here's what - and an an an today they quit bringin' their Bahbles."

And he talks about how he was "rebuked," about a year ago (Gary's weird sense of time strikes again) for saying that a "man woman boy or girl" should not use a phone for a bible.

"You say 'wha not? Ah kin take tahm t'read mah Bahble on mah' listen - ah wantchu - ah wanna ask you a question. Now ah kin answer it pretty well. When ah play on mah phone, ah don't have people t'come an' say 'Are you readin' th'worda God?' But when ah'm setting with mah Bahble in mah hand an' listen hey some of ya seen mah Bahble, it's pretty big mah wahf'n'em think ah cain't see, so they got me the largest print they could come up with, if they could fahnd one bigger ah'm pretty - they would prob'ly but ah'm not sure where we'd put it at. But ah do have people t'say 'What'reya readin' there? Ya got the Bahble there? Is that God's word?' And, uh, ya cain't make nuh - you kin say - take that for what it's worth, ahahahah got family members that does that, anah'mgonna tellya what it does - it makes me sick, an' ah kin imagine what it does t'God. Take 'at fer what it's worth, amen."

I'm guessing that the thing his family members do that makes him (and, apparently, God) sick is using the phone for Bible reading. But who knows - maybe he thought of something else and didn't realize he hadn't said it aloud. Also, he never did ask them a question.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+thessalonians+5%3A18&version=KJV

Gary goes on for a while about "the willa God" and the need to examine "the willa God." He says people claim to be "in the center of the willa God," but the proof is whether God blesses what you are doing.

All of you stupid pastors, stop giving Gary gigs and meals and gas and free lodging and new vechicles! Maybe he'll stop if he thinks God isn't "blessing" what he's doing (and/or there's a better grift).

He starts to list things that are in the will of God, but gets stuck on defending the KJV for a while, screeching about its easy reading level, and how you don't need degrees or a certificate to understand it. There's no such thing as enough education to understand the NIV, other non-bible books leave out the word blood, etc.

"Ah don't know where they're at, but ah've been told, in the NIV, ah don't read it, ah just - ah looked at some things once in a whahl, but in the NIV, they put cuss words in it!"

Considering that Gary thinks "obituary" sounds like "cussin'," I don't think his standards are normal. But, if anyone knows what he's talking about, let me know.

He says he won't get this done, and some of them will be glad when he shuts up. That prompts me to take the video out of picture-in-picture, so I can look at the time - 36 minutes in to an hour and almost 12 minutes. So much for things being shorter because the pastor had Gary start earlier - he just yammered on for about an hour.

He gets into some old-days-were-better crap, including insisting that everybody loving church is not just a Southern thing, because of Roger Williams in Rhode Island. His Dukes of Hazzard phone ring interrupts one of his "ah'm jest a hillbilly" riffs, and he asks where he left his handkerchief. Becky brings him his sweat rag as he says "Ah'm gonna say sumptin' to ya - ah'm not per se, aginst the book billboards, or the what - brochures, whatever ya wanna call them things, but how would it be one Sunday if ya just came in an' let God told ya what to do."

Based on the end of that sentence, I believe the "book billboards" and "brochures" he's referring to are church bulletins.

Gary starts talking about another dead old-time preacher, and starts to say "Martin Luther," then realizes that's wrong, and says "Harrilll . . . " Someone suggests Harold Leake, and Gary says that who he was thinking of. "You could go up to him an' you could say 'Brother Leake, ah sure would lahk for you t'sing this song' and he'd say 'Ah will if God tells me to.' You didn't you didn't he didn't take requests."

Gary does his "ah'm not trahin' t'be mean" litany. If he made you mad, you're mad at God, not Gary.

And he starts in on making sacrifices so they can give to missions, and how God has always provided for Gary and how high gas prices are, and how a church offered him a "pasture" position, but he turned it down because it's not God's will: "Ah do not supposed to pasture, ya say wha? Ah'm an evangelist."

Yes, it's the last half-hour of the last evening, folks.

And he finally announces a new reading, so I am going to continue in another post. There was just so much that was vile, funny or both, that I couldn't resist recording this much of it for posterity.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

I'm'a miss Awww Lady when she's gone!

I swear I hadn't read this yet when I posted pretty much the same thing. Yes, I know @Antipatriarch posted five hours before I posted, but I often survive listening to Bro Gary by working on these recaps for a few minutes at a time, between other daily activities. There's a limit to what solitaire games can do for my patience level.

OK, back to Friday the 13th, when the people of Bedford Pa were unlucky enough to hear Gary yet again, and lucky enough that it was the last time (for a while). At about the 44 minute mark, Gary says, "Hebrews chapter six - this may be where ah even have t'stop amen, - it be alraht - Hebrews chapter - Hebrews chapter eleven, not chapter six - Hebrews chapter eleven, verse six gimme a drinka water whahl y'all gittin' there."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+11%3A6&version=KJV

Diligently becomes something like "dijilily."

After a very brief bit about faith and God, Gary tells them "for the last 18 months, the government has tried to ruin our country, and boy they doin' a good job." 

But the church isn't going under - "Hey - we're going up! Amen? We're goin' up. An' when ah'm gohn, anybody that's left kin have mah tent. Ah'm afraid it'll prob'ly git burnt, lahk the American an' Confederate flags has got burnt, but that's OK, ah been usin' it for the glory of God. But what about faith?"

He does his usual bit about the mustard greens/seed. Mountains have not been moved because "we got a  buncha groupa people they kin talk, listen hey, they kin talk the talk, they kin walk the walk, but hey! Ahmahnna tell ya what they cain't do - they cain't act it."

OK, Becky, here's another assignment for you - explain to Gary what the expression "they talk the talk, but don't walk the walk" means.

Gary says he thinks he's got enough gas to get to Altoona, and he's sure someone in Altoona will make sure he has enough gas to get to New York. Hint hint.

After a "Nowahwahnna say sumpin' to ya, you listen to me an' you listen to me well," he starts in on how he's not against anybody who "takes that vaccine," but he won't, and he didn't "take the flu shot last year - well, ah don't even know if ya kin have a flu shot any more, an' the flu shot the year before that an' the flu shot - ah don't take those things! That's just me! If mah wahf takes the flu shot she has the flu three tahms in a year. Ah don't got tahm for her to lay in the bed for three weeks. Ah lahk to eat too much amen. An' she does a lotta work an' ah ain't got tahm to let her lay down an' do nothin' amen."

I'm sure that this, in Gary's mind, is complimenting his wife. I'm not sure whether Awww Lady's awwww is amused or pitying.

"They can mantate that you gotta take that shot to do this this this an' this," but Gary's "still gonna go, without the shot. That's just me - is ever'body alraht?"

They (Pastor and family? Who knows) took Gary to see where the plane crashed on 9/11, but Gary didn't go inside the federal building, because "ah'm not going to wear the mask."

But "if you wanna wear the mask, if your job manstates you t'wear the mask, then here's what ah'm gonna tell ya - ya ought t'do it. But don't get mad at me, amen?"

He screams that he's not gong to stop going to church - he may have to come off the road, he may have to go find a job - "outsahd, amen!" Then quietly, he says he will go to his home church, because he knows they won't close the doors.

Yes, those trailer doors, and Mama's kitchen and Daddy's basement, are always open, even to the unmasked and unvaccinated. Why, it's just like the parable of the prodigal son. Except not.

He does his bit about the possibility of needing to go underground to have church, which I haven't heard in a while.

"The government is not mah boss." Yes, he's all the way down to the childish "you're not the boss of me" level.

He runs through some of his usual Covid stuff, including how that's what everyone dies of now, according to the government. "Mah wahf has said it a-many-a time - 'ah could murder you, ah could poison you, an' ah'd git bah with it.' Thank God she didn't."

An awww from Awww Lady. I wish I could say it sounded disappointed, but it only was her "how cute" sound. She gives off a few more as Gary talks about his funeral and life insurance.

He knows he's going to die, and will probably be a martyr.

"They already puttin' these - what them? Boot camp?" He looks off towards where, I assume, Becky is. "Whatayacall 'em camps they talkin' about? HUH? WHAT? Concentration camps. They already puttin' some in ah ah ah ah cain't believe this, they already puttin' some in Tennessee's what they say, ah don' know."

Yeah, Gary - you don't know, and shouldn't believe it.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/tennessee-quarantine-camps/

Even Locke didn't call them concentration camps, you idiot.

Gary says that, if they put him in jail tonight, they'll let him out by morning, because "ah'm gonna  preach. An' ah'm gonna preach just lahk thissss. They'll prob'ly beat me lahk thry did apostle Paul, they'll prob'ly threaten t'put me in the 'lectric chair, an' that's OK. 'Cause ah'm goin' t'Heaven amen?"

2 Peter 3:18, KJV: But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.
BGV: But grow. In graccce, and inna knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him both now and for ever.

"Ahm gonna tellya, ya need t'examine your growth." I'll take that advice from an oncologist, not you, Gary, but thanks.

Gary likens spiritual growth to physical growth, and says it would be strange for Becky to still be feeding Carly with a bottle, since she's 23. He says he expects to see some growth if he returns next year (after making the obligatory joke about how some of them will make sure to be away when he comes). He condescends about having given newly-saved Valerie lots of advice, and tells her to listen to her pastor/Daddy.

He grinds on about growth for a while, then starts in on God providing, preachers who actually charge a set fee, professors with degrees who think they know it all. He says we don't need doctors in the church, we need them in the hospitals.

People give Gary books, and "ah'm not aginst it," but "ah'm not sure when ah got tahm, honeh - ah barely have enough tahm t'read mah Bahble, much less read a book."

He goes way up into coloratura range on "read a book," like the Queen of the Night (or Mariah Carey).

"Mah wahf got me a helpmeet book for our marriage ah guess we was havin' marriage problems she never did tell me, amen. An' ah read the thing, and she never did change

Awww Lady awwws, there are chuckles, a man says "Praise the Lord," and she awwws again - last one.

Gary burbles on for a while, then lists the things he didn't get to talk about at length. They have to examine themselves, prove that God is real, is worthy, and can do anything. They should know who God is and what they believe.

He told Valerie to be careful of "listenin' to people on that Internet."

"If Steve Anderson don't get saved, he's gonna burn in Hell." Gary is disgusted that Anderson thinks "sodomahts" can't get saved - he's listened to some his stuff "just to see how stupid he was."

He talks about the woman his SIL worked with, who used to be a Baptist but is now a Jehovah's witness, because "nobody discipled her." "Miss Victoria's gonna need to be discipled" by her pastor/Daddy.

That's Valerie, not Victoria, Gary.

He snips about Jehovah's Witnesses for a while - they don't believe in Hell, he says, so clearly they are wrong.

"You better prove that yer saved. You better know that yer saved."

Eternity's a long time, the lake of fahhhr is  - well, you know the drill. The rich man doesn't get his usual mention.

He makes sure to say he'll be giving them instructions to take down the tent after invitation, and ends with "We'll see ya here there or in the air, amen."

[postscript]

24 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

After a very brief bit about faith and God, Gary tells them "for the last 18 months, the government has tried to ruin our country, and boy they doin' a good job." 

Gary, you do recall that the first portion of that 18 months was under the leadership of your beloved Mr. Trump, don't you?

24 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

People give Gary books, and "ah'm not aginst it," but "ah'm not sure when ah got tahm, honeh - ah barely have enough tahm t'read mah Bahble, much less read a book."

He barely has enough time to read his Bible?  Once again, I'm wondering what exactly he does all day, as he seems to do little but stuff his face with free meals, drive from gig to gig, read the Bible, rant on Facebook and exchange ignorant theology with fellow preachers. I suspect his reluctance to read non-Bible books stems from either his fear he might be exposed to words dictated by Satan or his struggles with the written word. I'm also wondering what are these books people keep giving Gary. 

30 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"If Steve Anderson don't get saved, he's gonna burn in Hell." Gary is disgusted that Anderson thinks "sodomahts" can't get saved - he's listened to some his stuff "just to see how stupid he was."

Preacher throwdown!  Bros Gary versus Steve Anderson would be an interesting matchup, if for no other reason than to see which could outshriek the other.  

[Ozlsn]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Even Locke didn't call them concentration camps, you idiot.

Gary says that, if they put him in jail tonight, they'll let him out by morning, because "ah'm gonna  preach. An' ah'm gonna preach just lahk thissss. They'll prob'ly beat me lahk thry did apostle Paul, they'll prob'ly threaten t'put me in the 'lectric chair, an' that's OK. 'Cause ah'm goin' t'Heaven amen?"

I don't think Gary has thought this through. Why wouldn't they just beat him up in prison?

 

7 hours ago, postscript said:

I'm also wondering what are these books people keep giving Gary.

Probably Bible picture books. 

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, postscript said:

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

After a very brief bit about faith and God, Gary tells them "for the last 18 months, the government has tried to ruin our country, and boy they doin' a good job." 

Gary, you do recall that the first portion of that 18 months was under the leadership of your beloved Mr. Trump, don't you?

From what he's said in the past, he means Democrats, regardless of their position. So, anything bad that happened during Trump's presidency is blamed on governors, members of Congress, etc.

On January 20, Biden and "that Harrison woman" just joined the project to destroy America, already in progress.

On 8/14, after the tent revival in Bedford was over, Gary posted:
 

Spoiler

 

As you can see, he got lots of faith-based answers. Craig's was even illustrated! But I wonder if he was just pissy because he didn't get a big enough love offering for his week of oh-so-hard work, and that one "saved" soul.

You know - Victoria or Valerie or Valentino or Vavavoom - whatever her name was.

[Antipatriarch]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I swear I hadn't read this yet when I posted pretty much the same thing. Yes, I know @Antipatriarch posted five hours before I posted, but I often survive listening to Bro Gary by working on these recaps for a few minutes at a time, between other daily activities. There's a limit to what solitaire games can do for my patience level.

No big! I'm frankly amazed at your patience. I don't say enough how much I appreciate you wading through these for our amusement. I really enjoy your writeups.

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And then he immediately thanks them for hosting the tent meeting. He says he'll come back next year if they've "got the guts."

If by "got the guts" he means "have the stomach for it" then I think that about sums it up.

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He flings the book at Becky. This man is such a thug.

Seriously. I lost count this time of all the awfulness directed at her. I think this was the low spot:

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

If mah wahf takes the flu shot she has the flu three tahms in a year. Ah don't got tahm for her to lay in the bed for three weeks. Ah lahk to eat too much amen. An' she does a lotta work an' ah ain't got tahm to let her lay down an' do nothin' amen.

FFS. This shit isn't funny, Gary.

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

But when ah'm setting with mah Bahble in mah hand an' listen hey some of ya seen mah Bahble, it's pretty big mah wahf'n'em think ah cain't see, so they got me the largest print they could come up with, if they could fahnd one bigger ah'm pretty - they would prob'ly but ah'm not sure where we'd put it at. But ah do have people t'say 'What'reya readin' there? Ya got the Bahble there? Is that God's word?'

...said no bystander, ever. Google Gary Larson's cartoon "How nature says, 'Do not touch.'" Gary, with his huge large-type Bible, is the guy in the bottom-right.

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says he thinks he's got enough gas to get to Altoona, and he's sure someone in Altoona will make sure he has enough gas to get to New York. Hint hint.

"So hey, listen, put some'a'yuh precious whatever it is inta the box as yuh go, haymayun?"

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

I'm frankly amazed at your patience. I don't say enough how much I appreciate you wading through these for our amusement. I really enjoy your writeups.

Thank you. It's the hope of hearing something just amazingly bizarre that keeps me going, and Gary usually delivers. Also, I like the focus on what fundies are actually saying in church. I am always surprised when FJers on other threads are surprised by how awful their beliefs are.

Yeah, folks, they really are that bad.

2 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

I lost count this time of all the awfulness directed at her

But, but, but - it's just a little harmless, fun teasing, don'tcha know. They do really love to create a battle of the sexes where there doesn't have to be one.

2 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

Google Gary Larson's cartoon "How nature says, 'Do not touch.'" Gary, with his huge large-type Bible, is the guy in the bottom-right.

Absolutely.

He may very well get people asking if he's reading the Bible, but I would be willing to bet they are mostly already KJV-only types like him.

On to Altoona, 8/14, and the nearly empty Lighthouse Baptist Church. We get lots of wild camera-swinging - I think Gary might be the one doing it, since Jacob and Becky are up front, singing:

Spoiler

I remember this church from the service with the family that is trying to raise money to go to Africa and teaches their children to scream songs loudly. That was also the service right after Becky fainted into a bathtub in the wee hours of the morning, so hard that she ripped the spigot out trying to break her fall, which we know because Gary told us all about it.

Jacob seems to be leading this service, or at least the songs. He asks his father to say a prayer, Gary rattles off a fast mindless one, collection is taken, then they sing What a Friend We Have in Jesus and Farther Along.

Gary comes up, does his "how many glad to be in church" crap, then Hawkinses sing, ending with Becky's solo on Preach On.

Gary is hoarse - he says it's from preaching outdoors in a tent all week, and makes the obligatory joke about some people being hap he loses his voice.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+1%3A1-9&version=KJV

He stumbles and fumbles, all the "ests" become "eths,"  and:

KJV: Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law
BGV: Only be a - be thou strong  - uh - and very kerrige, thou that mayeth observe to do according to all the land - law

Moses is gone, it's time for another man to step up, dark/per'lous/hard tahms, with the help of the Lord just for few minutes, Gary wants to preach on Just Keep On.

Nobody knows when the Lord is coming, but we have to occupy until that day. It ain't, as they say up in Michigan, gonna be peachy.

"If the ministry was easy, everybody would be in the ministry." Gary, the way you do it, it is easy, and self-indulgent, and that's the only reason you are in it.

Gary rasps and yelps about keeping on  - mostly stuff we've heard many times. He claims he posted "Is one soul worth saving?" on Facebook. That's not how you worded it, Gary.

Somebody in the congregation starts barking out short, sharp "Amens," that sound more like "Haym!" or "Heh!"

Gary often points out that he was using Facebook live feeds to preach "long before" Covid, now he has a new way to describe it: "maybe ah'm the uh prophecy - uh the prophet for Facebook comin' t'Covid."

He talks about a preacher (who had "already gone on to eternity," and Gary conveniently can't remember the exact details of what scripture he used), who preached, years ago, about "the devilsome things that Obama wanted to do, that God stopped. Nowahwahnna say you don't have t'agree with that, you have th'raht to be wrong amen, but ah b'lieve God stopped 'im."

And he chants on about how God is going to stop some more things. There's a lot of screaming about how God is always there, always available, including a wild orgasmic climax, with "Heh!" man barking, and what has to be everyone who is there shouting.

In the afterglow, Gary assures them that God is not worried about what is going on in the White House.

He indulges in his descriptions of martyrs' deaths, Jesus' tortures, his own willingness to be a martyr.

He says a preacher friend from Ohio, who he was with a little over a week ago - Troy Kahler, or one of the other ranters from that tent meeting, I guess - had Covid, and now complains that he smells cigarettes despite there being none around. His wife looked it up, and that is, as Gary puts it, a side effect.

In fact, Gary's heard lots of stories about people with continuing problems from Covid, but "it ain't our outer strength we need t'trah t'get strength up, it's our inner strength."

Old time preachers could agree to disagree, but "now we're livin' in sissy tahms," when they all fight. He's added people being angry about who someone has preached for to this complaint, so there may have been some drama over that in his life recently.

Just stand! Gary doesn't care who it harelips. He's scheduled through 2022, to serve God, and "some of these preachers don't realize, there's some places ah don't keer if ah never go back to." But he's the kind of preacher who will preach anywhere - he's even preached in a Methodist church.

"Y'all ain't gonna b'lieve this, but them Methodist people need Jesus."

He would even preach in a Catholic church.

He'll keep serving God, even if he loses meetings. He goes into his boast about never missing a service due to the pandemic, going to New York, the reservation, etc.

He screams his claim about telling off Nez "If he wants to be a president that says he's saved, he better quit worryin' about what the Covid's doin' an' go tell sinners about Hell - God, and Hell, before they go to Hell!"

Then, quieter: "Ya say, 'What'd he do?' Wore his mask an' left, amen."

Gary really has built himself up into the hero of that scenario. If I remember correctly, Gary just screamed one of his usual messages that day. President Nez probably just thought he was a dolt, if he understood any of the content through Gary's bizarre Weenese.

"We went over to - what is it?"
Becky: "Crash scene."
Gary: "The crash scene where y'all had in Pennsylvania here comin' up next month 20 years ago. An' as ah walked aroun' that, an' then we went down to where the names - was ohn the walls. An' then ah found out that one of - ah don't know if they was  - ah dunno if they was a pahlit, ah dunno what they was, but they was somethin', an' they was from North Ca'lahna. An' ah got to wonderin', out of allll of those names, that was ohn that plane, wonder how many of 'em went to Heaven?"

Well, of course you did. It's not like who they were or what they did or who loved them mattered.

The unsaved are watching Lighthouse Baptist Church.

Gary tells them that, last week, a woman told him she'd been saying amen in her mind, because some preachers don't believe women should say amen. Gary says he told her those preachers were wrong.

I'd love to think this is a sign of Gary's actually respecting women, but he probably just wants to hear as many voices cheering him on as he can get, and doesn't care about the gender or vocal range.

Gary revs up to one more long screaming preachgasm about not giving up and God supplying his every need, and enjoys the shouting he gets in return.

He does his weird bit about how much easier his life would be if the Rapture came now so he didn't have to travel, including to New York "if Como lets me in."

He winds down, "joking" about how he's tired from being in church all week, and calls Becky to the piano.
 

[Black Aliss]

Is it just me or does Gary seem to be more cognitively impaired than he was when we first started paying attention to him?

I believe the going rate for one soul was set back in the 1930's at the crossroads of Highways 49 and 61 in Clarksdale, Mississippi. I suppose it's worth considerably more now, owing to inflation and what-all. 

[Dana723]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Heh!" man

Heh man is definitely no Awwww Lady

[FiveAcres]

4 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Is it just me or does Gary seem to be more cognitively impaired than he was when we first started paying attention to him?

I believe the going rate for one soul was set back in the 1930's at the crossroads of Highways 49 and 61 in Clarksdale, Mississippi. I suppose it's worth considerably more now, owing to inflation and what-all. 

You know, there is some evidence that getting Covid results in cognitive impairments, with one researcher saying it's worse than a stroke, or nine points on an IQ test. I find this suspect, because I think most researchers now think that the traditional IQ test is hopelessly flawed. On the other hand, I think there may be enough evidence to warrant further investigation. The "brain fog" of long Covid seems to be a real thing for many people.

Perhaps Gary did get Covid, and he IS more impaired? 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

Is it just me or does Gary seem to be more cognitively impaired than he was when we first started paying attention to him?

People ask this periodically, and my impression is that he is about the same. I think his ability to put a sentence together gets worse when he's sleep-deprived.  I also think he's getting bolder, wilder, and more arrogant, so more bizarre stuff comes out.

Speaking of Gary being the same, guess what he asked on Sunday morning?

Spoiler

  

9 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

No big!

I forgot to say, earlier - I meant it as in "great minds think alike," even when not consulting with one another, not like "I got there first."

Sunday, 8/15, still at Lighthouse. Jacob running the show again. That's Gary in the foreground, laughing because Jacob announced a hymn, then forgot to ask them to stand up until the last second.

Spoiler

They drone Nothing But the Blood. Jacob asks someone to pray. Gary does not moan. The offering is collected, they drone Are You Washed in the Blood.

Gary makes them go through a few tries of answering "How many glad you saved?" Then the Hawkinses sing.

Gary comes up and tells them about a man he knows who prays 10 hours a day. He lives "up in Michigan," so he must be peachy.

He rambles, meaninglessly, for a while,  announces 2 corinthians 2:13, Complains about his voice, then starts reading something else. Someone asks him where he is, and he says 2 corinthians 4:14.

Oh.

He "jokes" that they were the ones who messed up this time.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+4%3A13-18&version=KJV

KJV:  For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God.
BGV:  For all things are for your sake, that the - abundance of grace might  - might through the thanksgiving of many rebound - rebound - redound the - to the glory of God.

KJV: For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
BGV: For our lights affliction, of which - which is before - for a moment, worketh for us as far as more excellent - excellinan eternal weight of glory;

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+4%3A13-18&version=KJV

After his post-reading prayer, Gary launches his message with his usual succint, insightful style: "Now we look, we startin' at ten-somethin' we'll prob'ly beat most Baptists an' Methodists an' the rest of 'em out today, amen. But ah look at these scriptures an' last naht when ah went t'lay down, t'go to sleep, the Lord started uh showin' me some things, an' so ah 'mediately got mah phone out an' ah put - ah got it out put it ohn there so ah could make sure ah could wraht mah notes the next day, an' everything, got to lookin', got to thinkin' . . . an' ah looked at this scripture, and . . . .uhhhhh, we're lookin' at things today that - that  - ah never thought ah'd ever see amen. But then ya gotta remember the Bahble said these things would come to pass. But ah wahnna let you know that all these wicked things, one day, will come to pass, and with the help of the Lord, just for a little bit, ahwahnna preach ohn And It Shall Come to Pass.  Soon. And It Shall Come to Pass. Soon."

Sickness comes and goes - "some got the Corona and made it through it, some got the Corona, and dahd."

He said that, last week in Bedford, they were praying for two people in their 30s "that dahd - of the Covid."

Gary doesn't know if they were saved or lost.

He says there's a song - "the song goes in the part listen hey these things that we think matter whenever we see Jesus it's not even gonna matter any more. 'Snot even listen, it's not even gonna be a part of the matter of of of all the trials an' 'ey we gonna say when we get t'Heaven we gonna ask Jesus about this, when we get t'Heaven we're not even gonna think about that."

He's very hoarse, and people keep clearing their throats - I don't know if it's in sympathy, or they all are having the same problem.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+22%3A11-13&version=KJV

If you are willing to make sacrifices, God will see that you mean it, and come to help.

This congregation doesn't have a pastor at the moment, so some of Gary's remarks, about Aaron taking over for Moses in the previous message, and now, are about how they have to soldier on until they get a new one.

While talking about the "fake" gas shortage, and the possibly fake food shortage, Gary tries to joke about how they could all do without a few meals: "Ah think ah made MIss Cathy mad, ah told her her cat looked lahk she was pregnant amen. But at least ah wasn't talkin' about her, amen! Ah was talkin' about her animal."

A man says: "That's food."

Gary: "There ya go, yeah - make a good Chahnese meal raht quick-lahk, amen."

He asks them to turn to Genesis 50:20.

KJV:  But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.
BGV:  But as for me - now this is Joseph an' y'all remember Joseph's brothers sold him out, an' here's Joseph comin' up that his dad, his dad's passed away, his brothers are skeered t'death that Joseph's gonna do some things to 'em, but here's what Joseph said, an' Joseph said unto them fear not, for ah am in this - fear not - oh, ah'm lookin' at verse 19 - look at verse 20. But as for you, ye thought it evil against me; but God meant it good - unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much live - much people's lives.

For once, one of Gary's unique pronunciations makes for a great image - he tells us that Joseph had a "coat of many collars."

Joseph got discouraged, but things got better, fruit trees sometimes need to be pruned to grow.

While he's scream-croaking about God being good to them, even though the World hates them and treats them badly, Gary actually refers to Becky's fainting spell from their previous visit! And, it seems there's been another issue this time: "Listen, hey - we got up this mornin', we had a roof over our head, thank God mah wahf didn't tear the shower up _______ (? sounds like "t'death then"), and we got to take a shower, amen, and we got t'drah off, an' we got to put on some clean clothes, an' then we trahd to wash the clothes, and mah wahf tears up the draher, amen!"
Becky: "Your son did that."

The women giggle.

Gary announces 1 Samuel 17:28, reads it, and half of the next verse, horribly, then realizes he wanted verse 51.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Samuel+17%3A51&version=KJV

Whatever giant problem you are facing, it will be gone. Gary makes his "how to get a head with God" joke-like thing, and nobody laughs.

He throws in his bit about Goliath falling forward after the stone hit him in the forehead, instead of backwards, being proof of God's intervention.

After some croaking of familiar riffs, he reads (after joking that, if his voice doesn't get any better, Becky's going to have to preach that night):

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+42%3A7-10&version=KJV

He butchers it. Some highlights:

KJV: the Lord said to Eliphaz the Temanite, My wrath is kindled against thee, and against thy two friends: for ye have not spoken of me the thing that is right, as my servant Job hath.
BGV: the Lord said to  - Ephram - Eliphan whoever he is, the Tenanite, My wrath is kindled against thee, and against thy friends - thah two friends: for ye have not spoken of me the things that is right, as for my servant Job has.

KJV: So Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite went, and did according as the Lord commanded them: the Lord also accepted Job.
BGV: So Eliphiss the Ternamite and Binidad an' the Shunite and Zoph'r the Nehmite went, and  according to the Lord and commanded them: the Lord also accepted Job.

"Ahwahnna say this - yer frenemies one day will be over. Ya didn't catch that, did ya - frenemies."

Gary, they caught it. They threw it back.

Gary goes on and on about the people around Job who wondered what he'd done wrong to deserve what happened to him, and people today who would say the same, and warns sternly against being like them.

So, what was that story about your cousin who dropped dead because her father was a drunk, that you just told a few days ago, Gary?

He's back on Covid, and now he says it's different from anything we've ever seen before. Caleb's girlfriend lost her mother to it a year ago. Sounds like he's taking it seriously now, little hypocrite that he is, but who knows, because then he says "Ah got a little bit different opinion on the Covid than most people do, butchu know what? When ah git around people that have lost family members, ah don't say things that ah shouldn't say, amen?  Ah keep it to mahself, amen? Ah don't mahnd puttin' it ohn Facebook, it don't bother me one bit amen."

He makes no point - just goes right back to saying that, if you serve God you'll have enemies, and rants about their not closing the church. He also gets into the bit that he did last year, about not telling Altoona everything they know about the situation, and that it's OK to keep a secret.

🤷‍♀️ Was there some sort of schism or scandal? I have no clue.

Gary says we have to get over ourselves, and know when to shut up.

You first, Gary!

But no - he rambles on about lots of wonderful things he's done, and how helpful he's been to others.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A28-30&version=KJV

He yells the story that precedes this verse. God can change minds.

Here's a story I've never heard. He tells them to hear him out, and not cut him off, and that he's got it on Facebook, so, "hey ah kin go back an' tell ya what ah said or didn't say."  He says that, when he preached a revival in "Illinoisss" about 6-7 years ago, some people who heard him preach against television "went an' sold their TVs to the pawn shop whahl ah was in town. Butchu know what they did when ah left town?"

Did you guess? Yes, they went back and got their TVs. That's because "they was doin' it for Gary." Gary doesn't need you to please him - do it for God.

He screams: "Shadrach an' Meshach stood up, for rahts, an' stood up for their rahts, an' they stood up for the religious rahts an' their gun rahts an' their amendment rahts, amen!"

Wait, what?

"People are watching this church. They're watching you."

He shrieks his bit about how, back in the day, everyone came to church all the time, and they were always happy, parking lot full of cars, kids running around playing on the church grounds, etc.

He rambles about his death, Becky spending his money, mumbles something weird about insurance and says "Some of ya'll get it after a whahl," and tells them that, if his wife can buy "one them tombstone things," he wants "It was real to him" on it. Haven't heard that one in a while.

He doesn't think they understand him. "Let me move ohn."

He announces 1 Peter 4:12 - KJV: Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified.
BGV: Belove, think it not strange concerning the fairy trials which is to try you as - though - some - strange things happen unna you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye - ye - ye are PARtakers of Christ, suffering that when  - his - glory shall be revealed, ye shall - ye may be glad also with the excelnly joy. If we be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are we; for the spirit of joy glory and of God ree - ree - restiss upon you: on the other part he is evil spoken but of on - but - on your part - he is glorified.

"Ahwahnna say sumpin' to you - you're gonna suffer for the cause of Christ, if you're really gonna stand for it."

The martyr book he can't pronounce again, the government's trying to take everything away. And he screams about standing up to them and going off to jail, etc.

He announces Revelation (well, he puts an "s" on the end, of course),

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+20%3A10&version=KJV

The devil's gonna be gone one day. Gary starts to tell a story about a lady who was talking to him under the tent last week, and the video cuts off.

Darn, now we'll never know.

[Antipatriarch]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Sunday, 8/15, still at Lighthouse. Jacob running the show again. That's Gary in the foreground, laughing because Jacob announced a hymn, then forgot to ask them to stand up until the last second.

Yeah because that's what a good father does... laughs at his son when he's trying to learn how to do something and makes a mistake. What an absolute tool Gary is.

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He screams: "Shadrach an' Meshach stood up, for rahts, an' stood up for their rahts, an' they stood up for the religious rahts an' their gun rahts an' their amendment rahts, amen!"

Wait, what?

[Xan]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He shrieks his bit about how, back in the day, everyone came to church all the time, and they were always happy, parking lot full of cars, kids running around playing on the church grounds, etc.

I get the feeling that Gary has a head full of fake memories of the past.  He "remembers" when everyone in town went to church for the whole day.  After listening to some fire-and-brimstone preaching, everyone would decamp to the church lawn or basement and eat a big meal cooked by the nice church ladies.  All the men would wander around and say profound things about life, religion, and the current political climate.  The kids would play and the nice church ladies would clean everything up and wash all the dishes.  Maybe after more preaching, the men would go home and sleep in their recliners.  In Gary's mind, it was a good life -- and he wants it back.

[Alisamer]

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"We went over to - what is it?"
Becky: "Crash scene."
Gary: "The crash scene where y'all had in Pennsylvania here comin' up next month 20 years ago. An' as ah walked aroun' that, an' then we went down to where the names - was ohn the walls. An' then ah found out that one of - ah don't know if they was  - ah dunno if they was a pahlit, ah dunno what they was, but they was somethin', an' they was from North Ca'lahna. An' ah got to wonderin', out of allll of those names, that was ohn that plane, wonder how many of 'em went to Heaven?"

Well, of course you did. It's not like who they were or what they did or who loved them mattered.

He's such an ass. I guarantee if he and Iooked up at the same plane flying over at the same time, we'd have totally different thoughts about it. Gary would probably be wondering how many people on there need to hear him preaching, and how they could probably give a good love offering. Oh, and some of them are headed to hell, probably.  

Me? I love planes, and when I see one flying over I wonder who is on it, where they are going. How many are on their first ever flight? Are there newlyweds going on honeymoon, people going on business trips, coming home from business trips eager to see their kids, someone headed home for a funeral and someone else headed home to see a new child born into the family? Are some of them tired, coming home from vacation and ready to get home and get a good night's sleep? Is someone moving away, and this is their last trip out of our area? Is someone going home after getting a new job, eager to start packing to move into our area? Are some of them super excited, headed on a vacation? How many are headed to somewhere they've never been before? 

Are any of them looking down out of the plane and seeing me looking up at them?

Gary just wants numbers to add to his "souls saved" scoreboard. He doesn't care at all about the people themselves, doesn't want to know them, doesn't care at all who they are or what they do. He just wants to add to his soul count and increase the number of people who come listen to him preach. And reach into their wallets to drop some cash in the KFC bucket for him.

17 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

I believe the going rate for one soul was set back in the 1930's at the crossroads of Highways 49 and 61 in Clarksdale, Mississippi. I suppose it's worth considerably more now, owing to inflation and what-all. 

According to the Charlie Daniels Band regardless of the going rate for a soul, the devil likes to steal them anyway. He'll buy, if he has to, or make deals, but he looks for ones to steal. 

13 hours ago, FiveAcres said:

You know, there is some evidence that getting Covid results in cognitive impairments, with one researcher saying it's worse than a stroke, or nine points on an IQ test. I find this suspect, because I think most researchers now think that the traditional IQ test is hopelessly flawed. On the other hand, I think there may be enough evidence to warrant further investigation. The "brain fog" of long Covid seems to be a real thing for many people.

Perhaps Gary did get Covid, and he IS more impaired? 

That... may explain a lot about our former orange president. I'm not sure he had that many IQ points to lose, but he's certainly getting more and more impaired every time he speaks.

Gary? I don't know. I think he's just lazy, uneducated, and dumb. He knows all his own jokes and lines, and expects his audiences to know them too. 

I think Gary is basically playing a game of telephone with himself. The more often he repeats a story, the more it mutates to make less and less sense. 

[Dana723]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He screams: "Shadrach an' Meshach stood up, for rahts, an' stood up for their rahts, an' they stood up for the religious rahts an' their gun rahts an' their amendment rahts, amen!"

Citation needed on that one, Gary.

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

the fairy trials

You think he rode the same fairy as Timbits?

[thoughtful]

Sunday evening, August 15, still at Lighthouse in Altoona. As the video starts, Jacob is leading them in singing something unrecognizable. Jacob asks Bob Smith to pray - so we know the pastor from Bedfod has come to Altoona to swell the ranks of the four people who still belong to this church.

Bob prays, in his condescending, over-enunciating way. Gary doesn't groan. Maybe he's saving his voice. The offering is taken (this church is having people come up to place it in the plates, as well). They drone How Firm a Foundation, then Becky and Jacob sing.

Poor Jacob - there's so much wrong with his life, it's probably silly of me to even think about this. But I wish Becky knew enough about practicing music to help him, by playing the intro to a song, then having him find, think, and sing the starting note, until he can do it successfully with many songs. She still does that same limping couple-of-chords intro to some things, but has been getting better about actually using an intro that relates to the song, for some.

Jacob still doesn't feel where these familiar songs fit in his changed voice. Because he's at the mike, he actually throws off people in the congregation who have found the key, after they start a congregational hymn. They all sound miserable and uncomfortable. And, of course, his parents insist that he sing solos, duets and trios.

It just puts him into yet another embarrassing situation. And adults probably react with a mix of pity and teasing. It's yet another crappy thing to do to a teenager with a crappy life.

Gary does his usual last-night thank-you, and talks about the possibility of having a tent meeting there next year.

He says he appreciates "Brother Bob, an' ah'm not gonna say her name, 'cause ah'll mess it up."
Valerie, loudly: "Valerie!"
Gary: "Valerie, hallelujah ah'm glad you know yer name, amen."

He tells someone named Todd that his siblings all showed up to church that morning, and his sister told him he needs to hear her side of the stories Gary's heard from her brothers.

He thanks someone for helping with "them totes an' things." It seems it has something to do with making space in the trailer, because he makes a crack about Becky trying to fill up the space with Tupperware.

He's getting big laughs from this group, says he's glad they have fun in church, and tells a story about a pastor in New York who "wouldn't laugh at nothin' - ah mean, y'know, just one them sourpusses amen." The pastor asked about doing a revival, and Gary claims he said "Ah don't do revahval with people who don't laugh at mah jokes." I don't quite catch what comes next, but it sounds like Gary says he laughed at that, so all was well.

He announces Genesis 18, then does some of his riff about the Lord coming soon, and he hopes he's said something to help them, and how they have to hold on.

He asks them to stand for the reading, and pray for his throat.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+18%3A22-33&version=KJV

Oh, this is the one where he says "preadventurous" for peradventure. I couldn't listen to it all - too agonizing even for me.

"Now we look here an' we see a man name Abraham . . . an' he went to the Lord t'talk to the Lord . . . about some thangsss. An' ah look at this raht here an' he was sayin' 'Lord, if ya have this many, or if ya have this many, or if ya have this many will you not forsa - will you also destroy the righteous - with the wicket?'  Tonaht, with the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn . . . Can God Count Ohn You? Can God Count Ohn You?"

That's actually pretty concise and on point, for Gary.

His usual crap about staying with your church, fleeing from the devil, etc., follows "Not tryin' t'be mean, not tryin' t'be ugly, but - will you be here next year?"

He does his not-against-education anti-education riff.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+22%3A37&version=KJV

Can the Lord count on you to love Him?

Gary says he's so tired that he could sleep on a bed of nails. This came up in conversation, he says, when they were on their way to the Flight 93 crash memorial - Jacob asked the preacher's daughter (Valerie - Gary takes a chance and gets it right this time) if she'd "ever laid  on nails."

Um, OK - I'll just assume that was, somehow, totally innocent in  . . . some context or other. 🤷‍♀️

More familiar Garyshit follows, croaked in his hoarse voice.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+1%3A19-27&version=KJV

KJV: Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.
Bro Gary Version: Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfilthiness an' nau - of naughtiness, and receive. With meekness the engravement word of which. Is able to save your soul.

Filthiness and superfilthiness!

He gives them ideas for better Godbothering - leave an hour early for church, and do some then. Leave flyers at the doctor's office and "Walmarts - hey, ah know these women here, they lohhve Walmarts hey! Valerie - she loves Walmarts, she said the only thing she disagreed with me ohn is hatin' Walmarts. If she got raht with God, she'd hate Walmarts an' the resta them places, amen."

That Gary - what a comic.

He makes sure we know the Bedford Walmarts was a better one, because "every register had somebody in it."

He tells them how to pick their new pastor - "the puzzle will come together," make sure the man is willing to go soulwinning.

Visiting evangelists should be willing to soulwin, too - he's not braggin' on himself, but he spends a while braggin' about his willingness to go soulwinning, his tent, his burden for America, etc.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+1%3A15-16&version=KJV

Can God count on you to be holy? He follows up with his usual shit about this, including reminding them, again, that they are always being watched by the people of the World.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+5%3A29&version=KJV

He starts talking about mask mandates, and how he expects it to be worse in New York than Pennsylvania. "Everybody wants us to obey all the little - mendates, and let the people from who out of the country just come in here . . . . an' they don't haveta git the shot, they don't haveta wear the mask, they can live like they wohnt to, they kin go where they wohnt to, they kin be what they wohnt to - ah'm gonna obey God."

Gary, your persecution fantasies and your bigotry are merging.

He growls some more about not obeying the government if you think it contradicts what God wants. God created everything, including government, and someone ought to call the White House and "remahnd him who - started - the government, amen!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A1&version=KJV

He stops at "feared God," so we don't have any pronunciation of eschewed.

Gary says he doesn't mean being "skeered" of God, but having reverence. Really, Gary? Your fire and brimstone shrieks make me doubt that.

He reads the verse again, to the end this time. "Exkewed."

He says lots of familiar stuff about sin and crucifying the flesh.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+5%3A16&version=KJV

Can God count on you to pray "a fevrent prayer?"

Our country's in a mess.

Becky just told him that a woman they know, who is "'bout as old as Moses amen," - Gary says she's in her 70s (Becky says 80s) "got the Covid."

Dr. Gary explains how Covid is more dangerous for people who already have health issues: "the more issues an' the more ellness you have, the worse that Covid is." He points to someone there, and says, "He works in the hospital - he kin tell ya more'm ah could. But ah do know that it works on the health of yer body an' that's what gits it, because yer body's in the part of a pretty bad shape, an' then y'get one more helpin' ohn, and then what happens? Yer body shuts down."

He gesture in circles to make sure we know where the body is:

Spoiler

His conclusion? We need to pray for these people, because "not everybody who catches Covid's goin' to Heaven."

As ever, he skips right past the possibility of preventing illness and death - as long as he can imagine they went to Heaven, he's a happy camper.

The devil is always trying to trip you up, so you'd better pray. And he starts warning them about people who might come to "candidate" for the pastor job. There are "wuhves dressed in sheep clothing" out there.

"Ah know of a young punk an' ah don't have a problem sayin' that, amen ah knew the guy, he took a church in his 20s, an' took - an just before - killed the church."

Whatever that means. But God intervened and sent a good man.

He rambles and screams about sacrifice for a while, then says "Ah'm done," and rattles off

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+13%3A5&version=KJV

by memory, wrong (as usual - singular, rather than plural, and, of course, reptobate).

"You better make sure you're saved." He screams a bit more, says he's glad MIss Valerie got saved, he hears she's going to get baptized. I think he says he wants to record it.

"You ain't gotta have excellent speech to tell people about God."

Miss Valerie can give her testimony now. He screams a suggestion for how to do it. "She can say 'Ah went under an old fashioned tent revahval an' the preacher got up there with a big fat mouth, amen, an' he preached an' tol' me about Jesus, an' ah chose to accept Him!'"

Spoiler

   

 

Winding down: "That's what Bedford needs, that's what Altoona needs, that's what ah'm takin' to New York. Ah'm not worthy, but God _________(mumble, too soft to hear). Becky come to the piana."

Spoiler

Man, he's full of himself.