Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[Alisamer]

17 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

I've heard of the same thing happening over central A/C and carrying insurance on the church building (not trusting in God, y'know)

As someone whose church BURNED DOWN a few years ago, insurance is seriously important for church buildings, IMO. God is clearly hands-off about some things, and stupid people is one of them. Some contractor working on the roof used the wrong kind of torch and left smoldering embers that caught the whole roof on fire and took out our 1924 sanctuary, nothing left but most of the walls and I think one of the stained-glass windows.

The initial suspicion was lightning, though. I can only imagine how that would have looked... especially since our pastor was on his first real vacation in many years in Europe. We're the wrong kind of Baptists, according to people like Gary, we are happy to partner with other local churches of various denominations, encourage female clergy and deacons, and use a variety of Bible translations. We're also not 100% white. (We're more like 95% white, but it's a step forward, I think? Especially for our area.)

Interestingly, our pastor grew up in what would have been a Bro. Gary approved church, in an area Gary visits often! I think it's more progressive now, but still much more conservative than our church. 

I haven't seen inside the restored building yet, due to Covid and laziness. It was finished during the pandemic. Hopefully next summer things will be OK for us to have an official celebration of it. 

[Xan]

Ok folks!  Did you know that Gary has a ⛺?  It's a pity that he doesn't mention his ⛺ more often.  Then everyone would know that he has a ⛺ and that he likes to organize ?..., er ⛺ meetings.

(I really wish he'd slip up and use that circus tent emoji eventually.)

[AmazonGrace]

I am beginning to suspect he finds himself unable to spell ⛺

[Xan]

Eventually, we'll just get: 

"OK ?‍?‍?, the Hawkins family will be ? to OH today.  We will put up the ⛺ at Grace Baptist ⛪.  Come and ? with us.  We need to ?️‍♂️ up ✝️.  We need to save  souls."

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, Xan said:

Eventually, we'll just get: 

"OK ?‍?‍?, the Hawkins family will be ? to OH today.  We will put up the ⛺ at Grace Baptist ⛪.  Come and ? with us.  We need to ?️‍♂️ up ✝️.  We need to save  souls."

If I really wanted a challenge, I'd re-create what he says in his messages that way!

I don't think I'm up to it, though.

Well, perhaps a few phrases:

? ? in Hell will be frahin' lahk a ? with their ? broke.

(sorry, we don't have a sausage emoji - a hot dog will have to do)

When we had all  ? ? ? ? ? ? ? with us, Becky how we would feed them, but the Lord was good to us, and we had  ? at restaurants where ah didn't have enough ? to bah one meal. Mah favorite is ? ?. You don't lahk ? ?, ah'll ? for you t'git raht with God.

(it's hard to see, but the description of that globe emoji says it's showing asia)

And, of course:

It !

 

 

[postscript]

14 hours ago, Xan said:

Ok folks!  Did you know that Gary has a ⛺?  It's a pity that he doesn't mention his ⛺ more often.  Then everyone would know that he has a ⛺ and that he likes to organize ?..., er ⛺ meetings.

(I really wish he'd slip up and use that circus tent emoji eventually.)

The circus tent is so much more appropriate for his performances than a camping tent! 

 

13 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

I am beginning to suspect he finds himself unable to spell ⛺

Alas, I think you are correct. 

Kudos to everyone attempting to translate Weenese into emoji. That was a much needed-laugh this morning. 

[quiversR4hunting]

??

That is how I translate Gary. 

[Jasmar]

MLM hun emoji-speak seems ideally suited for Gar. I wonder if Becky can teach him as an ESL (emoji as second language) student. Might make him a little more coherent!

[thoughtful]

There are a few more comments under the post asking who went to a KJV-only church. One under the main argument (I don't know who Jeff is referring to):

Spoiler

And another under the argument about other translations:

Spoiler

"Reversed Vision" for Revised Version - what a clever boy you are, Ray!

And why would not specifically calling Mary a virgin automatically mean that someone doesn't believe Jesus is the son of God? If someone believes that birth came from God's begetting, what does it matter whether she'd had sex, or even had other babies?

[AmazonGrace]

Ray, my man, do you have children? More than one? Was your wife a virgin when you begat them or had you practiced begetting before?

If she wasn't a virgin every damn time  those brats ain't yours. 

[thoughtful]

It's time for another "settin' up the tint" video.

We see the usual - the tent, laid out flat on the ground, Gary telling us we "need to pray" for them (sorry, Gary - no, I don't), while Jacob sits on it and does what Gary calls "the tedious work."

Spoiler

He tells us that this church has had some people saved, and he's heard "good Godly stories" of what God has been doing there.

He pans to show us all of the houses around the field, and a restaurant, so "anybody that don't even show up, gonna have the speakers, hallelujah, be able t'get it out there, people'll be able to hear the gospel."

I wonder if there are noise ordinances in Newark OH.
 

[thoughtful]

Looks like, with the help of the Lord and some strong men, Gary managed to get it up one more time this side of Heaven:

Spoiler

 

[Black Aliss]

Apparently someone at Grace Baptist Church reads here because the flyer is promoting an "Old Fashioned Tent Revival", not a word about bourbon vs brandy Old Fashion

[AmazonGrace]

Aww Gary found out how to spell ?️

[Lillymuffin]

On 7/4/2021 at 8:42 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary is so tangled up in conspiracy theories that he can't straighten out whether crises are real or invented, whether the government is out to get him, or just pretending there's a problem.

Daniel was "hangin' out with a buncha lions." But, because he had faith, God gave them "jocklaw."

I can’t begin to tell you how much I sincerely, truly, and profoundly wish Bro Gary would get “jocklaw,” and I don’t feel one whit guilty about it, which is unusual for me. Given his apparent views on vaccines and preventive medicine in general, I seriously doubt he’s up on his TDaP. 
Eta: Ok, I feel a tiny bit guilty, only because tetanus is truly a terrible thing. The man really is odious, though, and he grinds my gears. I’d settle for laryngitis. 

On 7/30/2021 at 11:59 AM, quiversR4hunting said:

??

That is how I translate Gary. 

Thank you for that. I laughed so loud, I startled my dog.  (And she’s deaf!)

Edited August 1, 2021 by Lillymuffin
Damn conscience

[mango_fandango]

I too laughed at your Gary translation @quiversR4hunting!  

Another tent revival, huh? *snore* At least this place got it right with “old fashioned” rather than “old fashion”.

[thoughtful]

7 hours ago, Lillymuffin said:

I can’t begin to tell you how much I sincerely, truly, and profoundly wish Bro Gary would get “jocklaw,” and I don’t feel one whit guilty about it, which is unusual for me. Given his apparent views on vaccines and preventive medicine in general, I seriously doubt he’s up on his TDaP. 

Considering how he feels about mask mandates, I wonder how Gary would feel if there really was a "jock law."

Spoiler

Wear it!

 

[thoughtful]

Gary, that master of romance, bought flowers for Becky:

Spoiler

This morning, under the tent, Gary wants you to stop drop and roll. No, wait - that's not it:

Spoiler

This was Sunday school. After congregational singing, the pastor (?) prays while Gary and others moan and "yes," then introduces Gary and his family.

After the usual "how many glad to be in church?" routine, they sing. I fast forward. Gary encourages them to bring more people to the revival, and thanks God for the people who came to help with the tent (at first I thought he was talking about using torture while soul-winning!): "Ah don't think ah had t'use the sledgehammer at awull, 'n' only used that finger thing fer a coupla tahms."

I have no idea what the "finger thing" is.

He announces Genesis 3, said he got back to the motel last night and "got t'thinkin' about some things," and does some familiar crap about how we won't be here long, and how God knew He'd love them long before they were born, even knowing they'd be sinners, old rugged cross, He's comin' back, etc.

He's getting lots of yells of support and assent. This group wants an old-fashioned tent revival, and they're going to make it happen, whether the preaching is good or bad.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+3%3A1-10&version=KJV

KJV: Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
Bro Gary Version: Now the serpent was more substil than any beast of the field which the Lord. God had made and he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of the tree of - eat of the tree of - eat of every tree of the garden.

KJV: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
BGV: For God does know that. In the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil anahmgonnatellya, we're there today. We know a lot - ah don't know how good we know, but we know a lotta evil.

Things we've all heard many times follow - they're not even worth typing out.

He does add one horrible, TMI twist to something he says often, about Becky blaming Eve. He's never said anything specific about what Becky is blaming on Eve, but this time he says: "Mah wahf, once in a whahl, whenever it's a certain tahm of the month, she'll say 'Well, ah sure hate Eve.'"

Uncomfortable chuckles follow.

I think you may need to buy Becky another bouquet, Gary.

Interestingly, this, as well as the story of the woman taken in adultery, is one of Gary's anti-sexist rants. He goes on, as he usually does, saying that we shouldn't blame Eve, because we might have done the same, and Adam made just as bad a decision.

Of course, then he adds: "If mah wahf would eata that fruit, you'd better believe ah'd eata that fruit, amen. She'da made me, amen."

This gets big laughs, which continue for a quite a while, and a man calls out  "Good, Brother, good."

While Gary is doing his bit about pictures of skinny nekkid women used to sell beer, how they don't tell you you'll be hangin' on the commode later, he says "Ah know it ain't popular to preach ohn sin any more," and a man calls out "Well, do it anyway!"

He tells them about "gettin' in trouble" for posting on Facebook asking about who was going to a King James believing church, how he was offended when someone said Becky's grandmother was riding in the Corvette with Burt Reynolds, how Brother McFadden preached his wife's funeral, and the drunk Indian in South Dakota who wasn't helped by AA (he actually doesn't turn it into the auto club this time).

And he drags out one of my favorite Garyisms, talking about people who try to look good on the surface: "You kin dress raht, you kin act raht, you kin spit raht, amen - and still go to Hell."

One of these days, I wish he'd explain how spitting fits into the scheme of things.

Adam and Eve were "trahin' t'hide from the Lord Jesus Christ."

Hey, he actually says something I've never heard! He tells them that his granny used to play rummy. "But, whenever somebody would knock on the door, she said, 'Make sure that ain't the preacher, 'cause we gotta put the cards away.'"

He says a relative of his who isn't saved, and always claims she wants to hear him preach but never comes to church, just had surgery for cancer, and was asking people to "git in touch with God" for her.

I wonder if Gary prayed for her, or withheld his prayers due to spite.

This crowd loves Gary's recounting of how he enjoys "whuppin'" his children.

Among the old stuff he rants, he insists again that he has an open mind, and, if he doesn't get something right at first, will get it right, and scorns people who aren't open-minded like him.

?

 

Edited August 1, 2021 by thoughtful
grammar

[Lillymuffin]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Considering how he feels about mask mandates, I wonder how Gary would feel if there really was a "jock law."

  Hide contents

Wear it!

 

Isn’t he always banging on about putting on the “full armor?” Go big or stay home, Bro!! 

[thoughtful]

The regular Sunday service under the tent in Newark OH begins with congregational singing, then a prayer from the person leading this part of the service (I don't know if he's the pastor or not), which includes thanking God for the people who own the land and allowed them to set up there. So I guess they are there legally, at least.

Another hymn (Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing), then he goes on and on about how wonderful the revival is going to be. The ambient noise varies from awful to deafening.

He calls all of the men up to sing, with lots of cajoling and teasing. I am dismayed to see how many there are.

Spoiler

More singing, from all, then a family singing group. The leader says they are having trouble with the PA system, because "the prince of the power of the air does not like what we're doin'."

That would be Satan, in case you didn't know.

The group, which, as far as I can tell, is pretty good, sings, while we see Becky fussing with a speaker. I figure Jacob is also hard at work trying to figure out how to fix the sound problem, as well. I don't know where Gary is:

Spoiler

The leader yells about sin and the blood of Jesus for a while, and tells them there's an altar and tissue boxes down front for a reason, in case the Lord starts working on their hearts.

Then another man comes up to preach. I thought he was Pastor Kahler, but, from what he says, it sounds like he's a traveling preacher, like Gary.

Spoiler

He'd rather the be there than in jail, or in Hell. Gary gives a heartfelt HAYMAYUN!

He reads the story of the prodigal son, with much more expression and accuracy than Gary could dream of, but with lots of extra comments during and after verses.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A11-23&version=KJV

This guy hammers every H as part of his chanting, yelling preacher music. Between the background noise, his style, and the yelling and screaming of the men, I'm not catching much.

He yells that Jesus "became sin," despite never having sinned, due to us. Blood, personal relationship, he left the 90 and 9, etc.

So much of this message is like Gary's, including details about slopping hogs, I think they stole much of it from the same old-time preacher.

Well, except that this guy seems to understand that the story is about forgiveness, not a son who "didn't like the rules."

Oh, and it was exciting - he must repeat the word "exciting" 100 times.

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by thoughtful

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

He calls all of the men up to sing, with lots of cajoling and teasing. I am dismayed to see how many there are.

I'll wager my weens that he only did this because there are so many men present. 

[postscript]

These traveling preachers and pastors all look alike. Receding hairline? Check. Pasty complexion? Check. Protruding paunch? Check. Ill-fitting suit? Check. Too-long or too-short tie with either religious symbols or American flags? Check. Unflattering glasses and regional accent? Optional but highly recommended. Bigoted views? Double check. 

I stumbled on a bit of the live stream of Gary’s performance yesterday. Watched about a minute on mute before deciding life was too short. Fascinating watching him move around as I’m not used to seeing such animated preachers. Closed captioning couldn’t make more sense of him than any other translation method. 

[Xan]

I watched Gary for a bit with the sound off.  I just detest that motion that he makes to get people to vocalize their approval.  It's just too dang needy.  He made it over and over and over.  I'll give him this -- he's able to do it with either hand.  (Yep.  I'm here damning Gary with faint praise.)

Spoiler

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by Xan

[thoughtful]

Gary's occasional southpaw "amen?" gesture reminds me of the old saw about masturbation - "use your left hand; you'll think it's a stranger."

[postscript]

2 hours ago, Xan said:

I watched Gary for a bit with the sound off.  I just detest that motion that he makes to get people to vocalize their approval.  It's just too dang needy.  He made it over and over and over.  I'll give him this -- he's able to do it with either hand.  (Yep.  I'm here damning Gary with faint praise.)

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Yes, he used that gesture multiple times in the short clip I watched, and it drove me nuts. I understand wanting the congregation to participate (heck, stay awake), but the constant use of the same gesture comes off as Gary begging for approval while being completely bankrupt of ideas to engage his audience.