Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[thoughtful]

10 minutes ago, Xan said:

But what happened with the transmission?  Did the brother get well and fix the car?  

Did William get saved?   

We never find out about the transmission.

I think William might have been a regular member of the church (but, of course, nobody can know if someone else is saved). What we don't find out is whether the visitor got saved.

I have the rest of the spew saved in a doc (yes, there's more!) because it is refusing to post. Destiny is looking into what the problem could be. Maybe FJ's servers have just had it with Bro Gary.

 

[postscript]

He's making even less sense than usual in this sermon (yeah, I know, low bar).  I'm going to have to reread the recaps when I'm fresher so I don't miss any of his pearls of wisdom.

The whole thing about his Go Fun Me (an appropriate description for Jill R) being a paycheck would have me scratching my head for anyone but Gary.  He does nothing but beg for donations. When was the last time he saw a paycheck, much less earned one by the sweat of his brow?  Sorry, Gary, driving from place to place spewing Jesus-babble does not equate a nine to five job. 

[thoughtful]

45 minutes ago, postscript said:

The whole thing about his Go Fun Me (an appropriate description for Jill R) being a paycheck would have me scratching my head for anyone but Gary.  He does nothing but beg for donations. When was the last time he saw a paycheck, much less earned one by the sweat of his brow?  Sorry, Gary, driving from place to place spewing Jesus-babble does not equate a nine to five job. 

I think he has some sort of age-related standard in his mind. Young men are supposed to go out and work a 40 hour week, whether they want to preach or not. He rants and rages about that frequently.

He doesn't seem to even see the disconnect with his own behavior, and I think it's because he has some foggy notion of already having paid his dues. Older preachers don't need to work outside of preaching, in Gary's mind.

Of course, he seems to have declared himself in that category at age 39, if right before going out on the road was the last time he "worked a job."

It could have been earlier - I don't know at what point in the years he claims he was "under" pastors and learning (from 25-39, I think) he stopped working at non-preaching jobs.

[Antipatriarch]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Even I can't believe how much of it I felt compelled to quote. But it was that chock-full of the bizarre, funny and offensive.

Seriously! This set is just a giant messy pile of dysfunctional wrongness. I wouldn't blame a congregation for not giving him lots of amens. Dogberry is very funny, but this ranges far beyond humor into mere babbling incoherence. Lord ham mercury. (Thanks as always for wading through it and bringing us the quotes!)

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"[...] you wanna know wha we've got divorces? An' listen hey - it ain't in the  it ain't in the world's - it is in the world's re'm so what? But what but if you wanna know where th'most divorces are, it's in the religious re'm if ah kin use that word loosely today. Amen!"

It blows me away that Gary would ever open his mouth to talk about divorce, without disclosing his own. That's some grade-A hypocrisy. On the other hand, the way Gary talks about marriage (and the way he treats his current wife) reveals more than he probably realizes in this regard, am I makin' sense, haymayun?

By "religious re'm" is he actually admitting that divorce is more prevalent in the most religious, self-proclaimed Christian believin' and church attendin' parts of the country? Because if so, he's right; there's a clear statistical correlation there. I just don't usually hear preachers 'fess up to it.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Ah'm just tellin' you, listen hey, Lot made a choice here, an' Lot thought he was it, Lot thought it was all about him, an' he chose some woman in sodomy, amen, an' he went over there, an' he even give his own chil'ren away, an' lost his own family because of choices he made."

Gary, you are being very un-biblical here.

I'm reminded of the old joke about the professor writing on the student's submission: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

"chose some woman in sodomy" ... hoo boy.

Edited August 24, 2021 by Antipatriarch

[thoughtful]

44 minutes ago, Antipatriarch said:

By "religious re'm" is he actually admitting that divorce is more prevalent in the most religious, self-proclaimed Christian believin' and church attendin' parts of the country? Because if so, he's right; there's a clear statistical correlation there. I just don't usually hear preachers 'fess up to it.

Yes, Gary loves ripping other Christians, including Baptists and IFBers and KJVers, to shreds. He always talks about their not praying enough, worshiping Trump instead of God/Jesus, not dressing right, their children being most of the population of homes for problem kids, their getting divorced.

We, the unsaved, aka drunks and harlots, are just doing what we're supposed to do, so he doesn't even waste much of his time on us.

Oh, and he hates it when people are holier-than-thou. 🙄 He always covers himself, after one of these rants, with lots of "ah'm just a sinner saved by Grace, ah'm nothin' without Jesus," etc.

I got more of the recap to go through on the test thread, so here is the next bit. But there is more to come!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+24%3A43-44&version=KJV

Gary destroys this.

The Lord is comin' back.

He does an even more garbled than usual version of his "the cars are still in the church parking lot the day after the service" riff.

Somehow, he turns the idea of being prepared (for the thief in the Biblical metaphor, for the second coming) into how they're "preparatin'" us for Covid, and screams about that for a while. It's coming for us, no matter what we do. But we need to be ready for the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.

"Ah have - thank God that ah have not - as far as mah knowledgment, knowin' it havin' the Covid. Ah thank God ah haven't got it."

But he knows a lot of people have, and they died and meet their maker. And he wants to preach to Joe Bahden. If he got Jesus, his politician world would change.

And he brags about preaching to "the Navajo President of the Navajo Nations." This time, in increasingly loud screams, he claims he said: "You wanna think this Covid's bad, an' it is a bad thing, an' you wanna think people's dahin' of it, then here's what you gotta do as the President of this Navajo Nation - you've gotta quit shuttin' down churches, you gotta quit trahin' t'make people mendate ohn things, an' you need t'get out there and get BUSY about the Lord Jesus Chra, an' tell 'em about Jesus Chrast, amen? 'Cause he's a president, and he claims t'be saved, an' ah would hate t'be the one that's saved, and not gonna excape somebody from the pitsa Hell! Amen?"

Gary, you are either a filthy liar who knows that's all bullshit, or living in an ever-growing fantasy of being the bravest preacher ever.

Gary knows people aren't ready for the second coming, because there's lots of room in the pews.

He revs up to another painfully loud shriek about people who say they know where they have to be and what has to be done (as in, everyday responsibilities), but "No sir! No ma'am! God's work's first!"

He does his riff about people coming early to church and children playing, etc., in the old days.

"We need to put our occupah on Jesus first."

Cranky: "Is ever'body alraht? Mah wahf acts lahk she is, amen. Ah'm just talkin' 'bout when God changes things - hey - ain't always good when He changes things. Luke chapter 22."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+22%3A61&version=KJV

"Now - hey, when the Lord changes, and shows you who you are."

Gary does his ah'm-just-an-old-sinner bit. But people can get prideful.

He screams: "Ahmanna tellya who should be first! Jesus first, others, an' then yourself amen? That means you're the last person on the pole, amen!"

I think you mean low man on the totem pole, Gary.

"Ah pick ohn mah wahf once in a whahl, an' she has a dawg, God bless her heart . . . an' ah tell 'er 'Ah know who's first, an' ah know who's last.' An' ah always tell her she's got the dog, an' th'kids, and the grandkids fixin' t'come ohn the scene - listen, ah'm gittin' further an' further down the pole, amen? Y'know what we've done? We've put Jesus on the back burner, amen?"

Totem pole or stove, Gary - pick an image and stick with it.

Edited August 24, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Well, I can't get the rest of the rant to post, but it occurred to me that I could just do it as captures from my doc. So, here you go:

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

Gary wants everyone to think that the Afghan refugees coming over are with the Taliban and plan to kill Christians.  Typical.  He's just a rightwing nutter following all the other rightwing nutters.  (Although, I like the "telebon" part.  It sounds kind of like Cinnabon and I could really get behind a Cinnabon takeover.)

I think the story about his relative with cancer is particularly offensive.  He doesn't want to pray for her because she doesn't go to church all the time?  What about the "lost sheep" concept?  Isn't he supposed to always be grateful that someone is turning to prayer?

I appreciate you listening to him for us, @thoughtful.  He's a nasty piece of work.

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, Xan said:

(Although, I like the "telebon" part.  It sounds kind of like Cinnabon and I could really get behind a Cinnabon takeover.)

I think it would be Teletubbies bringing you Cinnabon buns. The sweetest of sweet takeovers.

There is actually a World of Warfare character named Telebon (thank you, Google): https://worldofwarcraft.com/en-us/character/eu/eonar/telebon

On to Sunday night's service, fool that I am. They are still indoors. As they all sing Are You Washed in the Blood of the Lamb, with Pastor Henry at the piano, Gary makes little waving gestures with his hand. He returns the hand to the back of the pew in front of him, but starts waving it again every few seconds. I don't know if he thinks he's conducting, can't help copying the lady who is signing to the little girl, or just can't keep his "flesh" under control during this rousing music.

Spoiler

He leans over to fuss with something on the seat of the pew in front, then starts seal-clapping, then shadow boxing, head-tilting on the beat, then back to arm-waving, then stomping his foot, head tilting again, etc. He's such a fidgety child.

I think he may not be singing at all. Saving his voice, perhaps?

It strikes me that he is trying to get the attention of the little girl, or connect with her in some way. I've always gotten the general impression that Gary is creeped out by anyone with a disability.

But he may be trying, in his stupid Gary way, to  . . . I don't know - actually show the kid he likes her, show Becky he likes the child, condescend to acknowledge the "poor thing?" Maybe he's just intrigued by ASL - who knows, he might have done better with that, if he'd learned it as a child, than he does with spoken English!

Spoiler

 

He continues this fidgeting through Leaning On the Everlasting Arms. The little girl watches him, off and on, but goes back to looking at her interpreter for most of it. Good for you kid - ignore the dipshit.

It seems that Pastor Henry might have the same idea I just did. While he introduces the next hymn (#96 in their hymnal), this exchange takes place:

Henry: "___ (?) deciding, is it Gary or my wife?" He chuckles.
Gary: "Huh?
Henry: "Number 96.  Number 96. I see all this motion going on." He chuckles.
(quiet stuff I can't hear, from Becky, I think)
Gary: "Oh, when ah'm sahnin'?"
Henry: "My wife's signing, you're moving ________ (?). I don't know who's signing, you or her. Don't know whose _________ to watch."
Gary (swinging his arms): "HAYMUN!"

So the woman signing is Mrs. Kicinski - I don't know how they are connected to the child.

Gary, with some help from Becky, who has inclined her head to him and looks like she's been speaking softly to him, may have caught on that Henry was trying to hint that his fake signing was distracting and not helpful.

So what does he do? He leans in to get the child's attention, sternly points to Mrs. Kicinski, then does the pointing to his own eyes, pointing to Mrs. K bit, while staring at the kid, then stands back, clearly pleased with himself:

Spoiler

 . . . and still fidgeting, waving his arms, and looking over at the little girl, as they sing Some Through the Waters.

He does eventually get himself under control, and keeps it to a low fidget level for a while

But, when they sing A Soul Winner for Jesus, Gary, who does not appear to know this song (Gary! It should be your theme song!), does some shadow-boxing, clapping, conducting and whistling. The little girl is watching him again.

At the end, the pastor calls out "Go get 'em!" and Gary answers "Bring 'em in!" Because the song was about soul winning, you see.

They go back and forth on that theme for a while, then, in keeping with it, sing Bring Them In. Gary whistles, conducts, faux-signs and boxes again. Oh, and he adds a move - he waves a hymnal around in the air!

Spoiler

He's like a 3-year-old who can't help himself, or a cruel older kid who is trying to get a younger kid in trouble.

BTW, throughout all of this, and all of the morning service, Mrs. Kicinski has had the sweetest, most submissive, fundy wife smile you've ever seen on her face, hands flashing as she interprets (my knowledge of ASL is spotty, so I don't know how well she's doing).

Usually I expect anyone interpreting to be ethical and sign whatever is being said, but I have to admit I'm hoping she edits a bit, when it comes to Gary.

Becky and Jacob sing. Once sitting, Gary's fidgets seem to be reduced to nose-wiping, head-rubbing and neck-scratching.

More later.

 

Edited August 24, 2021 by thoughtful
The devil stole a word. I got it back.

[Antipatriarch]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, with some help from Becky, who has inclined her head to him and looks like she's been speaking softly to him, may have caught on that Henry was trying to hint that his fake signing was distracting and not helpful.

So what does he do? He leans in to get the child's attention, sternly points to Mrs. Kicinski, then does the pointing to his own eyes, pointing to Mrs. K bit, while staring at the kid, then stands back, clearly pleased with himself:

He is such an ass.  He created the problem by being distracting, and then got stern with her for being distracted by him?! GAH!

[Antipatriarch]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It strikes me that he is trying to get the attention of the little girl, or connect with her in some way. I've always gotten the general impression that Gary is creeped out by anyone with a disability.

But he may be trying, in his stupid Gary way, to  . . . I don't know - actually show the kid he likes her, show Becky he likes the child, condescend to acknowledge the "poor thing?" Maybe he's just intrigued by ASL - who knows, he might have done better with that, if he'd learned it as a child, than he does with spoken English!

I had several friends in college who knew ASL, and took some ASL myself... not to the point of fluency, but enough to get a feel for it. And through my friends I got to know a few deaf people and get a glimpse of deaf culture. Among other things, it certainly opened my eyes to the challenges deaf people face.*

When out in public together I certainly noticed people staring... which is sadly common with any disability. But I also encountered some people who -- I dunno, it was like they "fetishized" it. They knew a tiny bit of ASL, wanted to make the deaf person feel included and help them, etc., probably from good motives, but they were so ham-fisted at it that in the end it was not helpful. It's like, relax, don't try so hard. This is a person. Maybe think about whether they even want or need your intervention.

* I was also in a wheelchair for a brief period (broken bone), and wow was that an eye-opener too. I'll talk to anyone about why the ADA is a very good and necessary thing.

[thoughtful]

Continuing the Sunday evening service - as Becky and Jacob finish singing Somebody Go Get God, Gary swaggers to the front and barks "Sing that again."

He says a few more things, then does, in fact, make them sing it again. He goes and leans on the shelf on the other side of the room, looking like, as he would say, a drunk pukin' over the commode:

Spoiler

But that doesn't last long, for Fidget Boy. He paws through his notes, comes back to the pew for his Bible, hikes up his pants, wipes his nose, and fusses with the microphone.

Gary starts right away on a pissy note. He says people need to surrender all. People sing the song I Surrender All, "over an' over an' over an' over," but they shouldn't sing it unless they're going to do it. He's not being mean, he's just being honest.

"Second Kings, chapter 2. We was just in a meeting, a coupla weeks ago, and uhhhhh, that family sung that song and ah told mah wahf, ah said 'You need to learn it.' An' ah said 'You sing that tonaht amen.' An' ah give her plentya notice, amen. And, uh, you'll fahnd out in just a few minutes wha she sung that song amen. Second Kings, chapter  - 20.  Second Kings, chapter 20. REVAHVAL! What does revahval mean t'you?"

And he farts along about revival for a while, in disjointed sentence fragments. Finally he asks them to stand for the reading.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+kings+20%3A1-5&version=KJV

He gets a pretty large percentage of this right, other than looking right at the word "prayer" and saying "cry," despite being in his dramatic slow-reading mode at that point.

He actually does a pretty good connecting speech this time, basically re-telling the story. He re-reads some of verse 5, and this time he reads "prayer" correctly.

"With the help of the Lord, ahwahnna preach ohn  . . . Somebody Go Get God. Somebody Go Get God.  There's some thangs that listen hey that we need t'be goin' t'God on the behalf of amen?"

And he ramps right up to screaming level, telling them that the people of God need to get in touch with God, for the sake of this lost world. In the following scream, "ahhhh" is super-loud, and represents the word "I."

"The only tahm that you need to be the ahhhh is when you are the ahhhh that is  willin' to give up the ahhhh and go for the Lord Jesus Christ, amen? Give up self? Go to ______ (?). Ah said it this mornin' an' then Brother Benny remahnded me there, whenever you uh look at the word, uhuh whenever you put Jesus first,  that's the word J, in front of Jesus, and then you put others, that's the O, in front of others, and then you put you, and that puts you as the Y, and as for you - yourself, _______ (?), and that spells joy."

Yes, Gary used the "JOY" thing in the morning, and completely forgot about it being an acronym.

He roars about giving everything up to go get God, then announces "John chapter 8 real quick-lahk."

He reads John 8:32 - And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

He screams about going to get the truth from God, how "there's so much false prophets out there," and people who used to come to church there, but followed false prophets and now aren't in church because "they don't got the truth."

"See - Brother Benny there - ya think about Brother Benny. He's a little bit messed up. Ya say 'Wha?' He's listenin' to more than one person. Amen? When you go to listenin' to more than one person an' more than one person has got - thisun's got the false prophet, thisun's got a little bitta the truth, this one ah'm not sure what it's got, an' you go to doin' this listen hey you go to askin' questions tonight, to anybody, you gonna have so many different answers you gonna end up bein' a yoyo 'fore it's over with. Amen. But if you go to the truth - ah got the truth. Hey, whenever ah need to know somethin' ah kin just open up the Bahble it's there."

Gee, Gary - Brother Benny reminded you of the JOY thing, then you call him out by name as being "messed up?" Way to be grateful.

They saw some Jehovah's Witnesses earlier in the day, and Jacob said they should go ask them for some tracts. Gary said no, because "Ah don't need their stuff in mah vehicle."

I wonder why Jacob wanted the tracts - to get material for preaching against them or just mocking them?

"Hebrews Chapter 10, real quick-lahk."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+10%3A25&version=KJV

Gary screams at the top of his lungs, about how somebody's got to go get God and "run Him back" to church, how church is more important than our house or our job (Gary has neither, so that's easy for him).

He tells us that Jacob and Henry's son compared notes on how long-winded their fathers are. He shrieks about a church in Houston TX that, when Jack Woods was preaching, would schedule 30 days of church. In a row, I assume, otherwise why would that be unusual? 🤷‍♀️ And Jack would preach for hours at a time.

More screaming and shrieking about not limiting how long you preach, and the occasional screech of just "CHURCH!" Even I am having a hard time listening to it. No new content, really, just a long screamfest that leaves him hoarse and panting.

When he finally achieves shriekgasm and comes down again, between breaths, he gasps "Is everybody alraht? Just trahin t'help ya tonight. Ah dunno who will haveta put me . . .  an' drag me home, ah'm tahred." He mumbles something I can't quite understand, about not being able to go upstairs to sleep, it's too far up.

"Verse 22 of 1 Corinthians chapter 2. Of one, sorry about that. 1 Corinthians chapter 1, verse 22.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+1%3A22-23&version=KJV

We need to go get God for some preachers with some backbones.

He starts building up to a scream again - by the end he is incredibly, monstrously loud. "Ah was preachin' at a church the other day, if they watch this ah hope they don't get their feelin's hurt, but they keep ohn sayin' Brother Hawkins'n'ems gonna get up an' do some special stuff, and then he's gonna preach. Ah never figured out what he was talkin' about - we sing the songs of Zion, we preach the worda God, that's what we do, ah'm not an ennertainer, ah'm a preacherrrrr! An' ah'm a preacher of the Gospel, an' ah am to preach what thus! Sayeth! The worda God!"

Gary, you idiot, have you never been in a church where they refer to music that is not congregational singing as "a special" or "special music?" It's the way they give the congregation a gentle hint not to sing along, without calling it that word you hate - "performance."

Not to mention, of course, that his shrieking climax sounded as fake as anything could sound. You really need to give up the schtick condemning entertainment in church, Gary.

Another paean to an old-time preacher - Brother Hal Stoltz would make people mad, make people upset, he'd hurt people's feelings, and he'd tell them he was going to go home and take half a baby aspirin and go to bed. Gary offers to explain that to anyone who doesn't understand, after church.

Ooooh, I know - Brother Hal didn't give a flying fuck about who he hurt, as long as he got his rocks off being loud, long-winded, cruel and self-righteous, and that's what you aspire to, Gary. How'd I do?

Gary says he's "man enough" to apologize if he says something that is wrong, but, "if ah get up here and say what thus sayeth the worda God an' it rubs yer cat wrohng and it rubs your dohg wrohng, and it upsets your applecart, honey, ah will not. Apologahze for what thus sayeth the worda God. Ya say 'wha?' God didn't apologahze, so why should ah?"

Gee, we got the cat, dog and applecart in that one! I wish Becky would tell him that "what thus sayeth the word of God" makes no sense.

He tells the story of the pastor and the doctor with the money again, and escalates it, at the end, to another unbelievably loud caterwaul that leaves him panting again, then revs up to another shriek about how he's not perfect, but God forgives him, 'because God has been faithfullllll!"

Quieter, still panting: "Young boys, 'bout tahm you give it all to God. Make sure number one yer saved yeah ah'm looking at you, _______ (he looks at someone belligerently, and says a name - I think it might be the pastor's son - then swaggers away)."

Spoiler

Pounding on the lectern, he screams "Make sure ya know you're saved!" then coos "Then let God teach ya."

He gets on the subject of people who decide to preach, without being called by God, just because they are men. With lots of drama, he yells and whispers about young men surrendering to the call to preach. Tim Tolbert's boys have surrendered. We need young men to surrender to the call, and give up everything to preach (say it with me) "WHAT THUS SAYETH THE WORDA GOD!"

More later. I'm worn out, and need to look up more synonyms for shriek, because I'm getting tired of using it.

Gary, I think the legend of the mandrake root was born when somebody pulled you out of a hole.

Edited August 25, 2021 by thoughtful
clarity

[thoughtful]

Finishing the recap of Sunday evening's service.

Gary announces "Matthew, chapter 9, verses 37" (yes, he still almost always says "verses" and then says only one number). He reminds them of the songs about soul winning and bringing them in that they sang earlier. Then he reads, slowly and dramatically.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+9%3A37-38&version=KJV

KJV: Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few;
BGV: Then said he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plentiful, but the labourers are few;

"Ah preach a lot on thissss, because it's very needed in the day an' hour we're livin' in, an' that's people . . .  t'go . . .  t'go."

So dramatic! Now I'm picturing Gary ordering at the counter of a casual restaurant: "Ah'd lahk that pizza! . . . t'go . . . t'go."

Gary explains that he has a title of "evangelist Gary Hawkins." Brother Henry has a title of "Pastor Hinry , uh whatever his name is amen."

You didn't think Gary was going to take a crack at "Kicinski," did you?

And he builds up to a yelled ending (I think he's losing steam)  - if you're saved, "you're a missionareeee!"

He tries to get back, I think, to the metaphor of laborers for the harvest, but gets distracted by his politics. "Ssss Produce season is just before . . .  comin' to an end. Not gonna be lohng.  It's been a differen' kinda year because - heh - some people think they own the country and they tell the weather how it goes an' when it goes or where it goes or how it works, thinkin' they're God. But God says 'Ah created th'universe. Ah created the stars. Ah created th'rain. An' ah'll show 'em - who's in control.' But we're laborers."

Gary takes another one of his weird brain detours. Standing like this:

Spoiler

He dramatically declares "Do you know how much better it would be - " then suddenly, more quietly, says, "You was ohn up in age when you got saved, that raht? 'Bout middle age?"

Somehow, Henry realizes he is being addressed (OK, Gary did turn a teeny bit toward him, but never brought his arms down), and says he was in his 20s.

Gary jokes "That's middle aged."
Becky: "That means you're old. If 20s is middle, you're old."

Gary tells them he surrendered and got saved at 25, and surrendered to the call to preach a month later. And he starts yawping about all the people who need to hear about Jesus again.

Gary says that, when he hands out a tract, his part's done. "Ah handed 'em a track, ah told 'em what a track is,  ah told 'em what's insahd the track . . .now it's upta them what they do with it."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A22-40&version=KJV

"Is your marriage worth goin' t'get God for?"

And he starts screeching again, trying to be funny this time "I need God because ah'm a man, an' mah wahf's a woman, an' she's got crazy idears, and ah got braht idears, amen!"

Silence.

"Some of yall'll catch that after a whahl."

One of Gary's least endearing qualities (and it's a very stiff competition) is his conviction that, if his attempts at jokes don't get laughs, it's because the listeners didn't get  his brilliant subtlety.

He does the "it took two to get married" bit, and has the balls to say "but do you know how we stayed married as long as we stayed married?  We put Jesus raht in the center of it, honey!"

So, what was that - 9, maybe 10 years ago?

My Jesus-less parents would still be married today if my father was alive - that would be about 73 years. My Jesus-less brother and his mainstream Protestant wife have been together for about 38 years. I could go on, with a very long list of very long marriages among people who don't put Jesus in the center of anything.

Not to mention that it seems like the center of your marriage is mocking and teasing one another, with a side order of Becky waiting on you hand and foot.

Gary says he's the head, but he's not the boss. He's the head, but his wife's "not a beatin' post."

Yeah, that would be your kid, according to your own admission, Gary.

He does his sickening bit about liking to argue just so they can make up, and, again, fills the laughless silence with "Some of ya'll get that after a whahl."

He lists the recent times he's bought Becky roses - all two of them.

Brother McFadden, who just lost his wife, says to tell your wife you love her ten times a day. Whenever Gary talks to Becky on the phone, he screams to us, his last words to her are "I love you."

Why did that need to be screamed, Gary?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+22%3A6&version=KJV

"Your children should be worth goin' to God for."

He yells a story about Don Green hearing his son and another boy when he picked up a phone extension. Gary doesn't know what he overheard, but he hung it up quietly, then went into a corner (Gary imitates this by turning sideways to shriek) and prayed, telling God "the devil has had my children long enough! I want you - I wanna petition for mah children! HELP HIM GOD! HELP HIM GOD! HELP HIM GOD!"

Spoiler

"As of raht now, two of his children inna _____________ (?), bah their testimony, but the rest of 'em's in the ministry."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Chronicles+7%3A14&version=KJV

He says they have this on the front of the pulpit, which they do.

He does the crap about "the three center words in Jerusalem" being USA.

Those are letters, Gary.

But whether you think America is in the Bible or not, "somebody founded America for Christian rahts," and he climbs to another climax with other lies, ending with "WE . . .SHOULD WANT . . . TO HELP . . . OUR COUNTREEEEEE! Somebody should go get God for out country - it's in a mess! It's in a horrible mess! It ain't the White House's fault, it ain't the Governor's fault, it ain't the Senator's fault, it's the church's fault! We have failed God with our country."

Gary is worried for his seven children and his coming grandchild. Freedom of speech is being taken away. He worries about what will happen when they get older.

"Ah am a little bit excahted about the grandson - daughter - but ah'm also a little bit concerned." He takes a swig of water and yells, "Because mah granddaughter, if it makes it any tahm in this earth, an' grows up, an' learns howta walk, learns howta talk, it learns what a value a little bit about life," Suddenly quiet, "Ah'm not sure what they're gonna learn. Thank God, far as ah know, Mom and Dad are gonna homeschool."

Gary, I thought the end times were coming, any second now - you know, that "we're soon gettin' outta here" stuff you usually say every 30 seconds or so, the way you precede even mention of the next week with "if the Lord tarries His comin'," - where did all of that go, all of a sudden?

Also, Mr. Only Two Genders, if you know you are having a granddaughter, what's with the pronouns "it" and "they?" Gary's befuddled brain looped all the way around - it's so asleep, it's accidentally "woke!"

And, at the thought of Gary's daughter and her husband homeschooling - I don't have words.

"Let me say this an' ah'm done. Luke chapter 15."

And the video cuts off.

 

Edited August 25, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Black Aliss]

On 8/22/2021 at 2:18 PM, Antipatriarch said:

Payday is OK, but I love the Pearson's version (made here where I live). Mmmmmm!

Someone who runs the Ace Hardware store in the next town over from mine must have Minnesota roots because they carry these, which were my drug of choice as a kid. Not the nut goodies, which are an abomination, but a whole display box of salted nut rolls.

[clese]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Finishing the recap of Sunday evening's service.

Gary announces "Matthew, chapter 9, verses 37" (yes, he still almost always says "verses" and then says only one number). He reminds them of the songs about soul winning and bringing them in that they sang earlier. Then he reads, slowly and dramatically.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+9%3A37-38&version=KJV

KJV: Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few;
BGV: Then said he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plentiful, but the labourers are few;

"Ah preach a lot on thissss, because it's very needed in the day an' hour we're livin' in, an' that's people . . .  t'go . . .  t'go."

So dramatic! Now I'm picturing Gary ordering at the counter of a casual restaurant: "Ah'd lahk that pizza! . . . t'go . . . t'go."

Gary explains that he has a title of "evangelist Gary Hawkins." Brother Henry has a title of "Pastor Hinry , uh whatever his name is amen."

You didn't think Gary was going to take a crack at "Kicinski," did you?

And he builds up to a yelled ending (I think he's losing steam)  - if you're saved, "you're a missionareeee!"

He tries to get back, I think, to the metaphor of laborers for the harvest, but gets distracted by his politics. "Ssss Produce season is just before . . .  comin' to an end. Not gonna be lohng.  It's been a differen' kinda year because - heh - some people think they own the country and they tell the weather how it goes an' when it goes or where it goes or how it works, thinkin' they're God. But God says 'Ah created th'universe. Ah created the stars. Ah created th'rain. An' ah'll show 'em - who's in control.' But we're laborers."

Gary takes another one of his weird brain detours. Standing like this:

  Hide contents

He dramatically declares "Do you know how much better it would be - " then suddenly, more quietly, says, "You was ohn up in age when you got saved, that raht? 'Bout middle age?"

Somehow, Henry realizes he is being addressed (OK, Gary did turn a teeny bit toward him, but never brought his arms down), and says he was in his 20s.

Gary jokes "That's middle aged."
Becky: "That means you're old. If 20s is middle, you're old."

Gary tells them he surrendered and got saved at 25, and surrendered to the call to preach a month later. And he starts yawping about all the people who need to hear about Jesus again.

Gary says that, when he hands out a tract, his part's done. "Ah handed 'em a track, ah told 'em what a track is,  ah told 'em what's insahd the track . . .now it's upta them what they do with it."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A22-40&version=KJV

"Is your marriage worth goin' t'get God for?"

And he starts screeching again, trying to be funny this time "I need God because ah'm a man, an' mah wahf's a woman, an' she's got crazy idears, and ah got braht idears, amen!"

Silence.

"Some of yall'll catch that after a whahl."

One of Gary's least endearing qualities (and it's a very stiff competition) is his conviction that, if his attempts at jokes don't get laughs, it's because the listeners didn't get  his brilliant subtlety.

He does the "it took two to get married" bit, and has the balls to say "but do you know how we stayed married as long as we stayed married?  We put Jesus raht in the center of it, honey!"

So, what was that - 9, maybe 10 years ago?

My Jesus-less parents would still be married today if my father was alive - that would be about 73 years. My Jesus-less brother and his mainstream Protestant wife have been together for about 38 years. I could go on, with a very long list of very long marriages among people who don't put Jesus in the center of anything.

Not to mention that it seems like the center of your marriage is mocking and teasing one another, with a side order of Becky waiting on you hand and foot.

Gary says he's the head, but he's not the boss. He's the head, but his wife's "not a beatin' post."

Yeah, that would be your kid, according to your own admission, Gary.

He does his sickening bit about liking to argue just so they can make up, and, again, fills the laughless silence with "Some of ya'll get that after a whahl."

He lists the recent times he's bought Becky roses - all two of them.

Brother McFadden, who just lost his wife, says to tell your wife you love her ten times a day. Whenever Gary talks to Becky on the phone, he screams to us, his last words to her are "I love you."

Why did that need to be screamed, Gary?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+22%3A6&version=KJV

"Your children should be worth goin' to God for."

He yells a story about Don Green hearing his son and another boy when he picked up a phone extension. Gary doesn't know what he overheard, but he hung it up quietly, then went into a corner (Gary imitates this by turning sideways to shriek) and prayed, telling God "the devil has had my children long enough! I want you - I wanna petition for mah children! HELP HIM GOD! HELP HIM GOD! HELP HIM GOD!"

  Hide contents

"As of raht now, two of his children inna _____________ (?), bah their testimony, but the rest of 'em's in the ministry."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Chronicles+7%3A14&version=KJV

He says they have this on the front of the pulpit, which they do.

He does the crap about "the three center words in Jerusalem" being USA.

Those are letters, Gary.

But whether you think America is in the Bible or not, "somebody founded America for Christian rahts," and he climbs to another climax with other lies, ending with "WE . . .SHOULD WANT . . . TO HELP . . . OUR COUNTREEEEEE! Somebody should go get God for out country - it's in a mess! It's in a horrible mess! It ain't the White House's fault, it ain't the Governor's fault, it ain't the Senator's fault, it's the church's fault! We have failed God with our country."

Gary is worried for his seven children and his coming grandchild. Freedom of speech is being taken away. He worries about what will happen when they get older.

"Ah am a little bit excahted about the grandson - daughter - but ah'm also a little bit concerned." He takes a swig of water and yells, "Because mah granddaughter, if it makes it any tahm in this earth, an' grows up, an' learns howta walk, learns howta talk, it learns what a value a little bit about life," Suddenly quiet, "Ah'm not sure what they're gonna learn. Thank God, far as ah know, Mom and Dad are gonna homeschool."

Gary, I thought the end times were coming, any second now - you know, that "we're soon gettin' outta here" stuff you usually say every 30 seconds or so, the way you precede even mention of the next week with "if the Lord tarries His comin'," - where did all of that go, all of a sudden?

Also, Mr. Only Two Genders, if you know you are having a granddaughter, what's with the pronouns "it" and "they?" Gary's befuddled brain looped all the way around - it's so asleep, it's accidentally "woke!"

And, at the thought of Gary's daughter and her husband homeschooling - I don't have words.

"Let me say this an' ah'm done. Luke chapter 15."

And the video cuts off.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth on the new parents to be homeschooling..

[Ozlsn]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

singing Somebody Go Get God,

I swear the song titles are becoming more parody with every meeting.

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary screams at the top of his lungs, about how somebody's got to go get God and "run Him back" to church

Not even God feels the need to turn up for Gary's ranting.

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He tells us that Jacob and Henry's son compared notes on how long-winded their fathers are.

 

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Young boys, 'bout tahm you give it all to God. Make sure number one yer saved yeah ah'm looking at you, _______ (he looks at someone belligerently, and says a name - I think it might be the pastor's son

So Gary's pissed that Jacob and this other kid are dissing him. Can't blame them really, they have ears.

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He gets on the subject of people who decide to preach, without being called by God, just because they are men.

... for a moment I thought he might have had a spark of self-awareness about to blossom.

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

When he finally achieves shriekgasm and comes down again

Thank you for that... I laughed, I cringed. 

What are the congregation getting out of this? I mean we can see what Gary gets out of it, but anyone else?

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Thank God, far as ah know, Mom and Dad are gonna homeschool."

And as always I feel sorry for the kids in this mess. I hope Gary's daughter and her husband decide it's too hard and send her to school.

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

it's in a mess! It's in a horrible mess!

When I heard this, and typed it, I knew it reminded me of something, but couldn't place it until this morning. I know Gary says something like this often, but the loudness, repetition and rhythm of this one reminded me of the creepy night manager played by Dennis Weaver in Touch of Evil:

Spoiler

 

Gary demonstrates his courage:

Spoiler

 

[AmazonGrace]

Gary, people give you free food for being a Christian. You ain't being persecuted.

[postscript]

The photos of Gary standing by the door can be added to the many images of Gary looking like he’s peeing. 

His worries about the country remind me of how many people in the 70s and 80s were convinced the world would soon come to an end because Russia and the US would find some excuse to nuke each other. 

The thought of daughter and husband homeschooling is scary. About the time his daughter got married, I took a brief look at her Facebook page. The grammar and spelling left, shall we say, something to be desired, and all opinions expressed had obviously been put into her head by either daddy or husband. 

[Antipatriarch]

19 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Not the nut goodies, which are an abomination, but a whole display box of salted nut rolls.

Yes! I don't know what it is about the Nut Goodie, but eww.

[thoughtful]

Monday night at Calvary Baptist Church  in Frankfort NY, continuing the tent revival without a tent, the video starts when Becky and Jacob are singing.

Gary comes up from behind the camera, stops at a pew to get his Bible,

Spoiler

I hope that's his hanky hanging out, and not the pocket of the pants gapping that much. Gary, I would have advised you to save the "fat clothes" for at least a year after the wonderful weight loss that you swear is going to be permanent - ask me how I know.

He joins them to sing I Can't Quit, then steps to the lectern, criticizing people who quit, and telling them they are getting close to the coming of the Lord.

Oh, so it's back on? Does that mean you're not going to worry about what your granddaughter learns now?

He lets some of his usual stuff about the days of Noah and Lot fall out of his mouth, announces Matthew chapter 27, then "Ah wanna make sure Steven stays awake and won't go to sleep," and something too mumbled to understand.

Steven is, I think, the pastor's son. Where the crap Gary says to or about him is on the spectrum of "just a little affectionate teasing" over to "Gary's really pissed and out to get this person," I'm not sure.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+27%3A27-36&version=KJV

OK, folks, it's time for our trip from the main reading to hearing the theme of Gary's message. Will it be a tortuous journey through "listen hey ahmahnna tellya" infested waters, a 40-year shlep through the desert, or a straight line. Let's listen . . .

"Now we look here at Jesus bein' crucifahd we know the story if you been in church any length of tahm, he was crucifahd, he was mowked, he was made fun of, he was beaten with a cata nahn tails, an' ya know, ya think about it ya even read ah dunno ah think ah read - ah think ah read it somewheres else, but - a few chapters before this or maybe a coupla chapters before this, ya remimber Jesus went to the garden Gethsemane, got on he - an' he got there an' started prayin', anhesaid 'Lord, if it be thah weeul,  let this cup pass, but if not, not mah weeul, but thahn be done.'"

"________(? "sorrowin'," maybe?) in pain an' anguish an' uh uh - pain just ain't - ha - ain't for nobody, amen? Ah don't lahk it ah don't lahk pain ah don't lahk bein' mowked made fun of but - that's gonna happen if you serve God. And Jesus Chrise was our example of bein' made fun of and beaten upon ah've never been beaten upon but _____ (?) it prob'ly will now that everything's out - out of the Talebons, they're comin' they're gonna take uh - take us an' possibly beat the daylights out of us f'r standin' f'r the cawuse of Chrissssse."

Butchu know what? It wadn't easy for Jesus. He done it becawuse of sin, for sal - for salvation. He done it to pay for the cawuse that - we could not do. But it wor - it worked on Jesus, amen hey listen hey makin' a shame of it, taking his cl- taking his garments off an' - makin' shame an' making mowk of God?"

"Butchu know who - d'you know that Je- God the father asked Jesus God the son  - if he'd be willin' t'pay f'r our sinsss. An' he accepted. Now with that thought, just think about this now - if Jesus was to ask you tonaht - if Jesus was to ask you tonaht - to come out of yer comfort zone, wouldju be willing?"

"Listen, hey - you know where Jesus was - what little bit you've heard about Heaven, it's a - streeta gold, it's a - pure river of life, it's got a, they're preparin' a mansion amen, uhuh perfect temperture, when ah stepped outsahd a whahl ago, Jacob was headin' out - wen' out an' handed out some flyers a little bit ago an' he text me an' text me a house number an' uh so he put respond back to me from pretty quick so ah walked out an' immediately the gah 'cross the road said 'Pretty hot, ain't it?' An' ah said, 'Yeah, pretty warm.' But then but he said 'But it beats shovelin' snow.'"

"Butahwahnna say somethin' to ya. Jesus has asked people t'do things that's not easy, sometahms. Amen? So you think about yourself, listen, don' worry 'boutchur next-door neighbor, don' worry 'boutchur husban' y'r wahf, y'r chil'ren y'r moms y'r dad, think about yourself Paul told the Corinthian church examine yourself, check on yourself, make sure you're where you need t'be, an' said check it out, but ahwahnna ask you - don' raise your hand, don't __________(?) say, but would you be willing to leave your comfort zohhne for the cause of Christ?"

"Is the world not worth salvaging, amen? Ah know ah talked about it a little bit last naht but is it not worth salvaging? Is Christianity not worth salvaging? Is Jesus not worth serving, ah mean, hey, you think about how good God's been to you, you say 'He ain't been good to me.' He hasn't? You got a roof over your head, got food over your table, got a vehicle that got gas in it ah mean Brother Henry sad a whahl ago he went bought some Obama gas, amen, hallelujah glory t'God glad somebody's got somma that kinda stuff t'keep things rollin' amen."

"But if you got those things, you got a job, you got money comin' in, however it is works out, listen hey! God's been good to you, amen? Ah ah read t'day of the news North Ca'lina even as bad as they've got it as stupid of a governor as we got, things - far as work's sake  is comin' t'the part that people are really lit'rilly goin' t'git jobsss! An' it's makin' poverty - a little bit better, ah guess, far as f'r yourself."

I give up - I think Gary completely forgot to do the "With the help of the Lord, just for a little while, I want to preach on __________________ (insert official message title here)."

Gary reminds us that he believes that Jesus went to Hell and burned for us, as part of the process of insuring our salvation. He takes a quick detour to say that he doesn't know if Brother Henry also believes this, but "if he don't believe it, you go with him, ah'm goin' with the Bahble amen."

"Even if ah git mah head cut off for the cawuse of Chrise, ah ain't been - done lahk Jesus been done."

He announces Genesis chapter 12, and, while they turn to it, he does what he often does between readings, and reminds them of his theme: "Just askin' if you would be willin' to leave yer comfort zone."

So I guess that's as close to an official title as we get.

More later.

[MarblesMom]

On 8/24/2021 at 3:31 PM, Antipatriarch said:

* I was also in a wheelchair for a brief period (broken bone), and wow was that an eye-opener too. I'll talk to anyone about why the ADA is a very good and necessary thing.

Yikes, been in wheelchair for a little over a year now, with no end in sight.   All are welcome to come roll in my chair for a day and see how much fun it is (not).  The ADA is necessary, not followed (even in govt buildings) and in short, differently abled people are invisible to many.  

Time for bed, thanks for reading  

[forgetmenow]

23 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Steven is, I think, the pastor's son. Where the crap Gary says to or about him is on the spectrum of "just a little affectionate teasing" over to "Gary's really pissed and out to get this person," I'm not sure.

I'm getting the impression that Gary's not too happy with the way this revival week is going.  Is that a fair assessment?  Will it wind up in the top five of his "worst churches" gossip?

Edited August 27, 2021 by forgetmenow
riffles

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

I'm getting the impression that Gary's not too happy with the way this revival week is going.  Is that a fair assessment?  Will it wind up in the top five of his "worst churches" gossip?

I think this one is not going well. I get the impression that Brother Henry likes Gary, but I'm not sure about the congregation.

Back to Monday evening - the next reading is from Genesis:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+12%3A1-4&version=KJV

Gary fumbles through, as usual.

He says that, when he got into full-time evangelism, "ah told mah wahf what we was gonna be doin'. Abraham didn't get - Abraham didn't have that uh capability because he had no idear where he was goin' - Jesus said 'Pack yer bag, git yer stuff up, yer leaving, yer gonna leave here an' yer gonna go - to - go - to a different kentry.'"

Jesus said that? Go back and read verse one again, Gary.

"Me an' Brother Henry was talkin' about some tahm ago, ah guess, with his work, he was down in Olean, New York." Gary goes on to say that there's no Bible-believing church in Olean. He even tried to help someone start one, once: "We went an' looked at some property, we talked to some reelat'rs," and "nothin' ever happened 'cause nobody wanted t'do nothin'."

That goes nowhere - I guess Gary just wanted to talk about Olean. He launches into a long rant about how he gave up everything for the cause of Christ, and what little he owns is stored at his parents', and it's all about Jesus, not Gary.

"Ah don' own a houssssse, not lookin' t'buy a houssssse."

Gary says that, if God ever tells Brother Henry to get up and leave, "ah wahnna be about 5000 mahls away." This makes Henry turn and smile at his wife, but I have no idea why it's amusing.

Spoiler

Gary goes on with something about an airplane, and "ah wouldn't wanta haveta move him. Ah don't think there's enough U-Hauls in New York to move him."

Is Gary saying Henry has a lot of stuff, is devoted to his local church, wouldn't be willing to follow Jesus? I have no clue. It's at about the 20 minute mark, if anyone else wants to take a crack at it.

Spoiler

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38/videos/269424848038633

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+50%3A16-20&version=KJV

Gary tangles and repeats, changes, deletes and adds words through this, as usual.

And he goes back and tells the previous part of the story, with Joseph's brothers staining his coat of many "collars" with goat blood, and "Isaac - right? Jacob - no,  Jacob thought his son was dead. An' his brothers sold 'im and all those diff'rint kindsa things. Lemme letchu know somethin', if you gonna be in the ministry an' you're gonna do anything for God, you're gonna get hurt. But ya gotta show love, like Joseph did."

And he screams about loving people and not answering hurt with hurt for a while. But he does remind them that vengeance is the Lord's.

He tells a story that he says is from "3 or 4 years ago: "We was out knockin' ohn doors, an'  . . . we ended up - that was th'last tahm we had th'tent up whenever that was an' we got put on Facebook . . . an' was lahd about. Listen, ah'mahnna tellya raht now, hey - heh - ah guess ah can say 'Well, ah was put ohn Facebook an' they tolda buncha lahhhs, an' they kicked mah vehicle in, an' they trahed t'do - hurt somma mah children, so ah'm just gonna quit ohn God.' Amen!"

Gary, did the kicking and child-threatening actually happen, or are you just embellishing? I think your whole life is a threat to your children, so I think you should be home working at a real job. But, if someone tried to hurt your children and you didn't see that as a reason to go the fuck home, you're even more of a dangerous  idiot than even I thought you were.

Anyway, Gary didn't give up, and he didn't let the mean people keep him from "the cause of Christ."

Gary has enemies, but he doesn't hate them, he prays for them. And he lists some Democrats that need to be prayed for, even though "they're trahin' t'work ohn our religious rahts." This list starts with "Como," goes on to a mocking mention of "the new governor of New York, whoever she is," "Chummer," "P'losi," "Bahden," and, of course, "Harrison."

It took me a while to figure out that third one was Schumer!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+3%3A11-12&version=KJV

So short, and yet he gets much of it wrong.

"How about bein' a spokesperson for Jesus?"

Gary screams about being a spokesperson for Jesus, and read a few more verses from Exodus.

"You ain't gotta go t'no ten hoursa class, an an' learn howta say certain things, an hey - nobody ever knows what ah'm sayin' 'specially when ah go - OUT UHHHHHP North, ah go t'talkin' an' they say 'You said what?'"

This is followed by a super-fast, super-loud stream of "ah'm nothin' without Jesus" and "He dahd for you on an ol' rugged cross" and "Jesus has allowed you to have ____" stuff.

Being bashful is no excuse - Gary tell his story about never being willing to stand up and give a presentation in school, then has another screamgasm about saving people from Hell.

He mentions that the book of Ezekiel says something about blood being on the hands of those who don't do what God wants them to do. He swigs from his water bottle, steps away from the lectern, holds up his palm, and speaks solemnly: "You wanna stand . . . before God . . . with bloods come offa your hands?  . . . Be pretty embarrasin' wouldn't it? Huh?"

Spoiler

And he acts out the dripping of the blood they will have coming from their hands, with billions of people watching, at the judgment, if they are not willing to give out a tract or a flyer, or tell someone that Jesus saves.

More later. I have to go wash my hands.

Spoiler

Gary, you may be a good screamer, but you can't scream like Judi Dench!

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by thoughtful
clarity

[AmazonGrace]

I had a hard time understanding all of that but I think Gary is holier than Brother Henry because Gary doesn't have a house full of stuff.

[Xan]

Gary has a new hat.  The picture is just so Gary that it made me laugh.  

Spoiler