Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[thoughtful]

Gary on marriage, gender, sexuality and divorce again, as arrogant and idiotic as usual.

I wonder if Gary regrets not being "will to wait for the Right one," or tossing children around.

OK, so I don't wonder.

Nothing is ever Gary's fault, except for things that Jesus has forgotten, because they are under the blood.

Spoiler

Is JESUS it real to you? Gary, is PROOFREAD it possible for you?

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

11 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary on marriage, gender, sexuality and divorce again, as arrogant and idiotic as usual.

I wonder if Gary regrets not being "will to wait for the Right one," or tossing children around.

OK, so I don't wonder.

Nothing is ever Gary's fault, except for things that Jesus has forgotten, because they are under the blood.

  Hide contents

 

Do you think that the current crop of Gary-followers know that he's divorced?  He certainly never mentions it.  It's almost as if he's forgotten it himself.  Maybe his Jesus will forgive him for the divorce but I'm not so sure that Jesus will forgive him for lying about it.

Also, Gary seems to be gaining back a little of that weight that he lost.  I guess that routine of walking every day got to be too much for him.

[thoughtful]

23 minutes ago, Xan said:

Do you think that the current crop of Gary-followers know that he's divorced?  He certainly never mentions it. 

I wonder about that often, and look for any clues, but it's tough to tell.

My speculation is that people he has only met in the last 9-10 years were never told by Gary - as far as he and Becky let on, they have only been married to one another.

I don't think he ever lets it slip to the rank and file of the congregations. By what he says and leaves unsaid in messages, he creates the impression that Jacob is the youngest of seven children, and that those who are gone are grown.

I don't know if Becky has volunteered to never discuss her younger children, was forbidden to do so by Gary, or it's just unspoken between them. I have no idea if she gets to confide about missing her children to anyone, show their pictures, mention their names, etc. I guess it's possible that they confide the whole truth to some pastors and their wives they've met while touring.

Of course, even if they tell nobody, the gossip trail is probably very strong in that gang, so, if somebody knows somebody who knows somebody who knew Gary when . . .

But I bet Gary and Becky say they weren't saved yet when they made these terrible mistakes and had children with the wrong people, and now it's all (say it with me!) under the Blood, so you're not supposed to bring it up and throw it in their faces, because Jesus wouldn't.

39 minutes ago, Xan said:

Also, Gary seems to be gaining back a little of that weight that he lost. 

About this, for some reason, arrogant Gary is not quite as arrogant. He has been admitting for quite a while now that he hasn't stayed on his regimen as well as he'd like to. He accuses all of the good cooks and people who treat them to restaurants of tempting him, but in a joking way.

In fact, he's even used it as a metaphor in his messages, asking who is to blame if someone is tempted by a fabulous spread of food - the person who provided the food or the person who gives in to temptation and eats. He blames the eater for giving in to the flesh.

So, in that half-assed Garyesque fashion, he sort of admits he only has himself to blame.

Of course, he stopped being specific as he started gaining weight back - for a while he was saying he was almost up to 300, and lost 80 pounds, then that he lost 80 pounds but had started gaining some back. But he hasn't mentioned any numbers in many weeks.

[thoughtful]

Becky asked people to post a picture of their "side hustle," and someone posted this:

Spoiler

Pure Romance doesn't seem to be too heteronormative when it comes to making money, do they? They are sponsoring the Cincinnati Pride Festival, as well.

I wonder if Becky has a clue.

[AmazonGrace]

Gary is surprisingly open minded I think... According to him it's not a problem for a man to have multiple wives. 

[thoughtful]

52 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Gary is surprisingly open minded I think... According to him it's not a problem for a man to have multiple wives. 

Good catch - I missed that altogether! I'm slipping.

In other news, Gary is taking his hot air to the windy city:

Spoiler

https://www.missionindependentbaptistchurchchicago.com/

I bet he won't do his bit about being suspicious of churches that call themselves Independent Fundamental Baptist there ("ah heard about a preacher who said he's so independent he don't need God" and/or changing it to "Independent Funny Mental").

ETA - I wonder how Gary will do in this very multicultural church. I'm torn between wanting him not to say anything stupidly insensitive, for the sake of the people there, and wanting to watch him make a total fool of himself.

https://www.missionindependentbaptistchurchchicago.com/photogallery.htm

Edited June 4, 2021 by thoughtful

[AmazonGrace]

Indepensent baptiat huh.

Has he no autocorrect? I was TRYING to write it wrong and it was a struggle because autocorrect wouldn't let me.

[Xan]

I'm enjoying this typo.  "Mission Indepensent Baptiat Church".  I think the next time I have Jehovah's Witnesses at my door, I'm going to explain that I already attend an Indepensent Baptiat church.

My worry over this visit by Gary will be that he'll use it as material for his preaching.  It will be "the president of the Navajos" all over again.  Anytime he has contact with people who are not white conservatives, he ends up using it as fodder for his rants.

[Alisamer]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

My worry over this visit by Gary will be that he'll use it as material for his preaching.  It will be "the president of the Navajos" all over again.  Anytime he has contact with people who are not white conservatives, he ends up using it as fodder for his rants.

It'll be his "I'm not racist, I've preached in front of all kinds of people" go-to for ages.

[thoughtful]

The problem is not the Indepensence, it's those Baptiats you have to watch out for!

Oooo - a month from today is Indepensence Day!

 

Edited June 4, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle, ironically enough

[AmazonGrace]

It sounds like French verbs. J'indepense, t'indepenses, il indepense, nous indepensons, vous indepensez, ils indepensent.

 

Quote

Good catch - I missed that altogether! I'm slipping.

This song is in your honor @thoughtful

I've just the pieces of the sense I used to have
Too many bitter posts I'm seeing, full of chaff
so far away from brain
And I've been reading this alone, it was not sane

Oh, I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About Hawkins and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find where I went wrong

Too much guff will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the stupid and the brains you leave behind
You're headed for disaster 'cos you always read the signs
Too much chuff will kill you every time

It's just the shadow of the sense I used to show
And it seems like there's no way out of this, oh no
I used to bring you real words
Now all I ever do is bring you tyyy---poos
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible and obtuse
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose, oh yeah

Stupid stuff will kill you
Just as sure as cannonballs
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of the spite
Too much guff will kill you or maybe smite

Yeah too much bluff will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes too much gaffes will kill you
And you won't understand why
You gave your brains you sold your sense
But here we go again
Too much huff will kill you
In your defense
In your defense.

[postscript]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Good catch - I missed that altogether! I'm slipping.

In other news, Gary is taking his hot air to the windy city:

  Reveal hidden contents

https://www.missionindependentbaptistchurchchicago.com/

I bet he won't do his bit about being suspicious of churches that call themselves Independent Fundamental Baptist there ("ah heard about a preacher who said he's so independent he don't need God" and/or changing it to "Independent Funny Mental").

ETA - I wonder how Gary will do in this very multicultural church. I'm torn between wanting him not to say anything stupidly insensitive, for the sake of the people there, and wanting to watch him make a total fool of himself.

https://www.missionindependentbaptistchurchchicago.com/photogallery.htm

OMG! He’s entirely too close to me. Much as he fascinates me, I have no desire to see him in person. If anything, I want him out of my county as soon as possible.

I’m shocked he’s ventured into Chicago. Can’t help wondering where he’s staying. He will not be comfortable with the diverse population, and the prices will make his blood pressure skyrocket. His rants about gas prices won’t play well here; ours are much higher than the rural numbers he’s used to seeing. I don’t know how his political opinions will go over in this particular church; Chicago and Cook County are heavily Democratic (usually enough to offset the rural portions of the state, which skew red), but there are plenty of conservative pockets. Based on a very cursory skim of the church’s website, it looks like he and this pastor would get along well. 

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, postscript said:

Based on a very cursory skim of the church’s website, it looks like he and this pastor would get along well. 

I suspect the congregation will follow the pastor's lead. Ages ago I read a piece by Slacktivist which talked about "preaching down" the church - a new pastor who was more liberal than the congregation had come in and the numbers had dropped as those who disagreed left, then rebuilt. It works in the more conservative (and also completely bonkers) directions too of course, so I wonder if that has happened here.

[Jasmar]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I bet he won't do his bit about being suspicious of churches that call themselves Independent Fundamental Baptist there ("ah heard about a preacher who said he's so independent he don't need God" and/or changing it to "Independent Funny Mental"

This has been confusing me: Isn’t Gar just about the epitome of IFB? I can’t think of any significant way he’s different. The legalism while preaching against legalism, KJV-only, wooden literalism, worshipping the “Old Fashioned,” even down to the shouting, weird cadence, verbal affectations by the preachers. And the old preachers he mentions have been IFB, right? So how does he see himself as different?

[Xan]

The church where Gary is preaching tonight posted his visit on Facebook.  Apparently, they think he's a "live wire".  For some reason, I found that hilarious.

The first pic is Gary and the second is a sideways photo they posted of the church itself:

Spoiler

 

[forgetmenow]

30 minutes ago, Xan said:

The first pic is Gary and the second is a sideways photo they posted of the church itself:

  Hide contents

 

The cherry on the sundae is that the photographer didn't even get out of their car to take it! ?

[postscript]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

The church where Gary is preaching tonight posted his visit on Facebook.  Apparently, they think he's a "live wire".  For some reason, I found that hilarious.

The first pic is Gary and the second is a sideways photo they posted of the church itself:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Ah, a storefront church. Somehow, I’m not surprised.

[Joyster]

5 hours ago, postscript said:

OMG! He’s entirely too close to me. Much as he fascinates me, I have no desire to see him in person. If anything, I want him out of my county as soon as possible.

I second the feeling!  The church is a few blocks away from Northeastern Illinois University, my Alma mater. I live in a neighboring county, but an hour, 20 minute  train ride away is too close to Gary for me. I skimmed through the little church's website, and while I disagree with their beliefs, they haven't posted any hate speech (at least that I've seen) and seem to be accepting of other cultures,  and even religions to some extent; the tolerance of other religions is their attempt to convert the followers to their brand of Christianity, but it's more interaction than I typically see from fundie Baptists. I see Gary getting along with the pastor, but I don't see him doing well in the area.  I love the area because of the diversity; however, it's going to be like another world for Gary.  Plus, the mayor of Chicago is Lori Lightfoot;  she's everything Gary hates.  In addition, it's pride month.  I don't know if Gary's little mind can handle Chicago.   I thought he might drive through on the way to somewhere else, but I never thought he would step foot on the pavement.

[Dana723]

8 hours ago, Alisamer said:

It'll be his "I'm not racist, I've preached in front of all kinds of people" go-to for ages.

Did you know he preached to the president of the Navajo Nation?  He's too humble to admit it himself.

[thoughtful]

7 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

This song is in your honor @thoughtful

@AmazonGrace, I am so grateful that you and Freddie understand. I needed that, so very much.

Gary may be stealing my brain cells, one by one.

4 hours ago, Jasmar said:

This has been confusing me: Isn’t Gar just about the epitome of IFB? I can’t think of any significant way he’s different. The legalism while preaching against legalism, KJV-only, wooden literalism, worshipping the “Old Fashioned,” even down to the shouting, weird cadence, verbal affectations by the preachers. And the old preachers he mentions have been IFB, right? So how does he see himself as different?

If I understand him (and that's always a big "if" because . . . Gary), he thinks the current crop of IFB preachers includes some that are too lax, sugar-coated, unwilling to name the sin and preach Hell, etc.

 

[Jasmar]

(sigh) So it’s just more of Gary’s judgmental egotism then ? Idiot.

[Joyster]

2 hours ago, Joyster said:

while I disagree with their beliefs, they haven't posted any hate speech (at least that I've seen)

I was wrong; while the church hasn't posted any hate, Pastor Edward Fort has on his personal Facebook page. Most of it is political and it crosses the line.  Facebook has been after Pastor Fort for spreading false information.

I can't wait to read @thoughtful's recap of Gary's sermon at the church of the cardboard boxes and printer.

[thoughtful]

Gary just preached at Mission Independent Baptist Church in Chicago (that toddlin' town, the town that Billy Sunday could not shut down).

On State Street, that great street - oh sorry. I got carried away.

I wonder if Gary will see a man dance with his wife.

As the video begins, the pastor is turning things over to Gary, who says (after "It's good to be in church, amen!" of course!), "Ah figgered out wha ah only come to Chicago every eight years."

Racism and bitching about Democratic politicians may come later, folks, but first, Gary the non-city boy has to whine about traffic:

Spoiler

Gary says he is glad they got a chance to hand out tracts and do some street preaching: "That's what our country needs - that's what our country was founded ohn, that's what our country needs, annd uh, y'know and Idunno we may one day see the part we go to jail."

Here's how easy this group is - Gary starts with "Now ah'm not goin' to be sayin' much about the pandemic, but here's what ah believe with the pandemic."
Man: "You're right!"

Sir, he hasn't said anything yet!

And we get a bit of Gary's crap about the pandemic being used as an excuse for people to stay home from/be blocked from church, the media, the government, and it being a test from God. He drifts to other topics, announces Psalms 118, but, as usual, chats while they find the chapter.

He again reassures them that he's not going to talk about Covid, then talks about Covid, and how he went into 4-5 stores today, with no mask - lots of positive responses, as if he'd done something heroic.

"Listen, ah don't say nothin' to nobody that wears 'em. But if these - if these women can say 'It's mah body if ah wanna have an abortion,' here's what ah'm gonna say: 'It's mah body  an' ah'm OK with it.'  HAYMUN! Good preachin' if ah am doin' it, amen. Ah don't keer if - listen, hey - they can take 'em! They can wear 'em! Which ahmanna be honest with ya now that some of the states are lettin' the mandates down, ah think some of the people need t'put 'em back ohn it ain't got nothin' to do with Covid, somethem's just that ugly, amen."

Ah, the sophisticated humor stylings of an unfunny pre-teen.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm+118%3A+1-7&version=KJV

The theme is The Lord Is On Our Side.

Gary complains about Chicago drivers and traffic again, and tells them that Jacob said he hopes God never sends him to a big city.

Gary says he was driving the church van this morning, and wondered if people thought he was someone who recently moved there, "but then ah got in mah van after ah got it fixed, an' it's got North Carolina tags on it, ah know I got people hollerin' and cussin' at me but that's OK ya say wha? Because the Lord's on mah sahd."

Yes, it seems that yet another vehicular issue has occurred. At one point, Gary says something about wishing he'd taken someone's advice to just go to the junkyard first, because it would have saved him all of those trips to stores. So I guess the van needed parts, and I imagine someone has bailed Gary out yet again with money and/or repairs.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm+40%3A2&version=KJV

He got me out of "mary clay" and "extablished mah goin's."

Gary tells them the date of his salvation, and how it had nothing to do with his having been "raised in church," because he "played religious games."

Gary tells them how he gets "run off" most places, because he preaches truth.

He brings up Carl Lackey, whose wife was in the hospital more than out, and who preached against sins, even if he had to make them up - they called him the Muleskinner (which, in Gary's mind has something to do with his hard preaching).

And a sudden veer, for no apparent reason: "They was talkin' bout y'know here just a whahl back down in down east, they was sayin' we had a shortage of gas lemme just let you know somethin', ah'ma - that was a lahhhhh straight outta the pits of Hell. There was trucks settin' places an' they wouldn't let 'em take the gassss."

This gets some "wow" responses.

Who is "they," Gary? And what would be the point of  "them" doing that, in your suspicious little mind? And WTF does that have to do with anything?

And he's off on "our country's in a mess." 

"Y'know what people are doin'? They're blamin' God for the corona."

Gary, you just said you think the virus was a test from God, not 10 minutes ago!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm+37%3A23&version=KJV

Gary knows the Lord is on his side because he can step in the good way.

Gary gets yells of agreement when he says all news has always been a lie, even before Donald Trump.

"We should be walkin' in the ways of righteousnessss. Psalm 23 says 'The Lord is mah shepherd ah shall not walk."

Make up your mind, Gary.

He says "he" (the pastor, I think) "knows all these different kindsa languages" to "git them  people to Christ," because you don't need to go to "these other countries, you can some raht here to Chicago and find any kind of it you want."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Timothy+1%3A12&version=KJV

Gary knows the Lord is on his side because he put Gary in the ministry. He didn't want to, his parents didn't want him to, but God called him.

Gary tries to use the example of Peter not being able to walk on water when he took his eyes off of Jesus, and it comes out sounding like . . . something else: "That's the reason that Peter went down, whenever, whenever he asked Je - he said 'Jesus, if that's you, let me walk on the streets."

I wonder what Peter's rates were.

Gary talks about leaving tracts in public men's rooms.

Gary says he wishes he could have put "Jesus Christ" on the title for his motor home, because everything he uses is actually owned by Jesus. Why he only mentions that one possession, which he doesn't even have any more, I have no idea.

Gary says they are in Chicago, Illinoisss, and so is God.

Psalms 41:11 - KJV: By this I know that thou favourest me, because mine enemy doth not triumph over me.
Bro Gary Version: Bah this ah know that thou favoureth me, because mahn inimies doth not trumphet over me.

Gary goes on for a while about how God provides and keeps everyone safe. Of course, he also frequently preaches that getting saved doesn't fix your cancer or your wayward children or your other problems.

"Jeremahhyah was down in the mary clay." But God was there with him.

"When they come to me an' gonna shoot me or gonna kill me or how - whatever they're gonna do me, listen hey ah'm goin' to Heaven."

And, of course, he tells them about his electric chair fantasy. There is some uncomfortable chuckling.

"He was talkin' about uh - uh -be - our country bein' founded on America, listen hey it may be a tahm that ah'm settin' in a jail an' ah'm maybe wavin' the Bahble, if they'll even let me have one, or ah'm preachin' the Gospel bah memory or whatever, it may be a tahm that they're beatin' me with a . . . . " (long pause, during which someone says "right"  - again, dude, Gary hasn't finished the thought yet) " whatever it is . . . a whips."

Gary complains about Chicago drivers again, and admits that, even though he's a Baptist preacher, he might have wanted to do some "cussin'" today, if nobody had been listening.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+35%3A27&version=KJV

Gary has mentioned several times that the pastor of this church has been through some health problems recently. He now says God took care of him, and that's why he's still there today.

Gary says he's crazy for Jesus.

Now, you'd think that, after crediting Jesus and/or God for healing the pastor, Gary wouldn't want to go directly to the subject of the McFaddens.

But you would be wrong.

Whenever you saw Mrs. McFadden, you saw Mr. McFadden - "they was unseptable."

Gary mentions that Mr. McFadden "preached his own wife's funeral," and asks the pastor (whose wife also died, but I don't know how long ago) if he did that. Gary says "Ah'm not that much of a man."

Hey, that might have been sincere modesty.

Gary mentions the White House, then complains about gas prices, but it's not Gary's money, it's God's.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+73%3A26&version=KJV

Gary knows God is on his side because He gives him strength.

While rambling on about giving up religion for salvation, Gary says "Ah sure am glad ah dropped my salvation and ah got a relationship."

Oops.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+16%3A7&version=KJV

Gary knows God is on his side because He instructs him.

Gary advertises his tent, and gets pissy about people who don't think church is essential, like Gary does.

Gary talks about somebody who had a dog that got off leash and got killed, so "you better not leave the church, 'cause the World don't love you."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+27%3A1&version=KJV

God is on your side if you're saved (he rattles off 2 Corinthians 13:5).

You'd better make sure you're saved. Gary doesn't want anybody to go to Hell.

While doing his "If the devil could deceive Eve, who was perfect, he can deceive you" bit, he says "If God could deceive Eve" instead of the devil.

Becky used to talk to Mrs. McFadden, but now she can't. Gary thinks she has her eyes on Jesus, sometimes. This is, I think, the 5th or 6th jab at Becky tonight.

And mumble mumble mumble to the ending prayer.

Edited January 10, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[Ozlsn]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tries to use the example of Peter not being able to walk on water when he took his eyes off of Jesus, and it comes out sounding like . . . something else: "That's the reason that Peter went down, whenever, whenever he asked Je - he said 'Jesus, if that's you, let me walk on the streets."

Oh dear. Even for Gary that's hilariously unfortunate. It certainly gives "Jesus and his Dirty Dozen" a different slant.

 

[Xan]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"He was talkin' about uh - uh -be - our country bein' founded on America, listen hey it may be a tahm that ah'm settin' in a jail an' ah'm maybe wavin' the Bahble, if they'll even let me have one, or ah'm preachin' the Gospel bah memory or whatever, it may be a tahm that they're beatin' me with a . . . . " (long pause, during which someone says "right"  - again, dude, Gary hasn't finished the thought yet) " whatever it is . . . a whips."

After that hilarious recap, I had to hop over to Gary's page and watch him in action.  You captured him perfectly, @thoughtful!

And what is this church?  It looks like a back stock room at Dunder Mufflin.  It could be more appropriately named "Our Lady of the Holy Copiers" or "The Hewlett Packard Believers Church".  I've seen Gary in tiny store front churches before but this one doesn't even try to look like a church.  The least they could do is move that precariously placed white copier and close the door to the hallway.  Or maybe those five or six people could just, you know, go to a regular church instead of meeting by themselves.

Spoiler

 

Edited June 5, 2021 by Xan