Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[thoughtful]

13 hours ago, Xan said:

How long do you figure it will take Gary to start saying that we need to roll over upon Jesus?  This sounds like something Gary would think was clever.

Listen, hey - I'm no Fanny Crosby (and I see a bit better than she did), but I came up with a song!

Gary often says he thinks adults should sing and think about the simple lyrics of kids' songs that point out how to be good (something about which I would agree with him, except for some of his song choices and his definition of being good). He should like this:

There was sin unredeemed and the drunken one screamed, Roll over! On Jesus!
So they all rolled over on Jesus, still,
There was sin unredeemed and the nekkid one screamed, Roll over! On Jesus!
So they all rolled over on Jesus, still,
There was sin unredeemed and the sodomaht screamed, Roll over! On Jesus!
So they all rolled over on Jesus, still,
There was sin unredeemed and the unsaved one screamed, Roll over! On Jesus!
So they all . . .

Well, you get the idea.

 

[thoughtful]

On 6/22/2021 at 7:37 AM, Ozlsn said:

what are the odds that Gary doesn't volunteer?

Just like contributing to the building additions at the other church, or helping with them, or being the one who cleans the toilets (who he always praises when doing his "all the members of the body are important" riff), Gary is off the hook for the NY State Fair, because he'll be long gone and on the road.

Besides never doing anything he doesn't feel like doing at churches he visits, he can proudly claim to have a home church, and how important local churches are, and not have to do any work there either. His home church is his Daddy's church, and all he has to do is claim he has to get on the road, and he can skip anything he doesn't feel like doing.

He often mentions, as part of some message, that he helped his Daddy bring in wood for the stove. For all we know, he only did that once, and has been talking about it ever since.

Becky and Jacob wait on him hand and foot, and they stay in places other people care for. So he never has to cook, clean, do laundry, iron, take out the trash, pack, unpack, change a toilet paper roll or climb a scary ladder.

I bet Gary just grunts and barks at Jacob, or teases him. He may thank Becky, even sweetly sometimes, but I imagine he mostly just takes everything as his due. He only puts effort into whatever pleases him, like a spoiled child.

Think about all of the things you do all day to care for yourself, others, and your surroundings. As far as I can tell, Gary does none of that, other than showering, dressing and brushing his teeth with "toothpasta."

Oh, and he drives. And that's the one chore I wish he'd give up.

 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

My Gawd!  A Salvation booth at the State Fair,  I’ve officially heard it all now.  No lineup at that booth I betcha!  

[Alisamer]

42 minutes ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

My Gawd!  A Salvation booth at the State Fair,  I’ve officially heard it all now.  No lineup at that booth I betcha!  

Especially without Lolly the Clown handing out balloon animals along with tracts and questions about where you will go when you DIE.

I do have to say if I could travel around wherever I wanted with other people paying for everythng and providing places for me to stay, I'd enjoy it too. It's a good gig if you can get it, I suppose. I'm still baffled anyone is willing to pay for anything at all for grifting Gary, but there's a sucker born every minute!

[thoughtful]

21 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Especially without Lolly the Clown handing out balloon animals along with tracts and questions about where you will go when you DIE.

Now I'm picturing Gary trying to make balloon animals and paint faces, while dressed in the Lolly costume.

Very satisfying.

[thoughtful]

Spoiler

I went to the church's Facebook page, saw the beginning of the latest video, still on mute, and thought "Wait a minute - Foster Brooks died years ago."

https://www.facebook.com/CenterConwayBaptistNH/videos/1285916995200053

Spoiler

 

 

Edited June 23, 2021 by thoughtful
clarity

[thoughtful]

 

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

 

  Hide contents

 

Notice how the ungrateful wretch doesn't thank the church members or the pastor.  He gives God all the credit.  

I wouldn't go to a church that asked Gary to guest preach much less one that sends him a monthly stipend to loaf his way around America.  What is wrong with these people?

Edited June 24, 2021 by Xan

[thoughtful]

The video of Wednesday evening service at Center Conway Baptist Church in NH begins with all singing On Calvary (Gary, of course, pronounces it "Cal-voh-ree" because Gary).

There's a skip, and so I don't know who the speaker (song leader, I think - the pastor is the bearded guy I showed in a previous post) is talking about. But he's saying something about how good it is that a Christian can have "influence on state capital hills." 

The video skips again, and they are singing What a Day That Will Be. Gary comes up and introduces himself, Becky, Jacob, his tent and his burden for America.

The speaker comes up again, tells them about someone who got saved, and they all sing Peace Like a River and My Faith Has Found a Resting Place.

Aha - we find out who this is leading the proceedings. He is the pastor's son, and he explains that the pastor and his wife are attending a celebration for the 50th anniversary of his grandparents being the pastor and "first lady" at a church in Maine (I think it's the pastor's in-laws).

They blab and shmooze for a while about the venue for that event, and find out that Gary knows the grandfather.

The Hawkinses come up and sing, then Gary strides to the lectern. He wastes some more time talking about who he knows that they know, then finally announces a Bible chapter. While they're turning pages, he claims he was thinking and reading his Bible just a bit earlier, and this came to him.

Gary, if you say anything original, I'll faint.

He does some soon gettin' outta here/last days shit, then reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A1-8&version=KJV

Most of it is not too bad, for Gary. He does say they will "turn into fables," rather than unto them. He goes back and re-reads individual verses as previews to each part of his message.

Gary says Paul said he was going to go with the Rapture, "now we know that's not true."

Wait! Gary is saying that something in the precious KJV is not true?

Gary's theme is How Will You End Your Life?

And he goes right to talking about the spam calls he gets, and how he tells them he'll live forever in Heaven. Lots of familiar shit follows.

The only new thing is that, in the course of telling us that he is "not musically inclahned," Gary says his father claims he bought Gary a guitar when he was a teenager. Gary has no memory of this.

There's a toss-up for you - which one of these men is telling the truth and/or remembering correctly? Gary is a forgetful ingrate, Dad is a forgetful guilt-monger, and both of them are liars.

He rambles all over the place, including talking about how God gave him a van, and how, "on them Indian reservations, ah got to where ah kin joke with 'em a little bit an' ah can talk with 'em and mess with 'em, whatever, 'n' whenever ah talk - they get me the minivan, ah said 'Well, ah 'preciate anything you give me but mah stuff - all mah stuff won't fit in 'at van, an' ah know how Indians are, an' you're not gittin' mah stuff, so you better start prayin' ah git a trailer. And within a week ah had a trailer."

They are silent. Gary tells them that he is just talking about the "blessings God gives you on this sahd of eternity."

Gary goes off on his rant about how people have "bowed down to the government" during the pandemic, preachers who only entertain, standing up for our "rahtsssss" "in these last dayssssss."

Hey, he takes a chance and says "Foxe's Book of Martyrs," all by himself, like a big brave boy!

"America was founded on religious rahts. Was it not Columbus that come across with our rahts 'n' every'thin', hey our King James Bahble."

Gary:

Columbus - 1451-1506, never spoke English that we know of.

KJV - 1611, in English.

"The church is lookin' wor'lier and the World's lookin' churchy. Amen? You think about - about in the movie insty - innersty or however you say that or whatever, 'n' when you think about the movie - listen, hey - they're tryin' ta now make religious movies."

Peter named the sin and the sinner, Carl Lacky the muleskinner, we're gonna meet God face-to-face, etc. - the video keeps cutting out, and I still know what he's saying.

Here's something new - he gets back to talking about how he deals with sales calls, and tries to turn them into witnessing. He was talking to a guy who "kep' ohn comin' back and sayin'  'Well the Jews say that Jesus is still dead.' Ah said, 'Yeah but Bahble says He's alahv.' An ah said 'You kin either believe these folks, or you kin believe the Bahble. The Bahble's gonna be right no matter what anybody else says.' Amen?"

Gary, if he calls again, tell him that, in my experience, "the Jews" really don't talk about Jesus.

Gary babbles on about "incurrigement" and old-time preachers.

"The prodigal son didn't stop lookin' for his son to come back."

He spews a complicated word coleslaw about various churches and their problems and where he's gone to be a help and a blessing, and his future itinerary and who knows what all else.

He is not scolding this group for their lack of response, but I can't help imagining they all look like the audience in The Producers:

Spoiler

Gary tells the story about the church that wants him as pastor, but he knows he's "in the perfect willa God" being on the road.

He does several garbled minutes about how he wants to finish well. He means his life, but I just wish he'd finish this mess of a message.

"Anahwahna say somethin' to ya. There is people tonaht in the state of America ____ (skip) that is not in church tonaht,  but do you know that ____ (skip) thinkin' about church?  'Cause you cain't have Jesus Chrahst on the insahd  of, and not thinkin' about it once in a whahl amen."

"Ah don't need the smokestacks, ah don't need the famous things, ah don't need the sahns."

I Love Lucy, the Jehovah's witness his sister-in-law worked with, the devil is real, TV evangelists and Steve Anderson are bad (Gary says Anderson's "a Baptist that says 'Ah'm gonna change the FBI' - changin' it to a different style, and he's doin' a good job").

One of these days we're all going to die - by the grave or by the Rapture - make a good end.

 

[Xan]

25 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's theme is How Will You End Your Life?

"America was founded on religious rahts. Was it not Columbus that come across with our rahts 'n' every'thin', hey our King James Bahble."

Gary:

Columbus - 1451-1506, never spoke English that we know of.

KJV - 1611, in English.

.................................................

"The prodigal son didn't stop lookin' for his son to come back."

He spews a complicated word coleslaw about various churches and their problems and where he's gone to be a help and a blessing, and his future itinerary and who knows what all else.

He is not scolding this group for their lack of response, but I can't help imagining they all look like the audience in The Producers:

I keep thinking he can't possibly sound dumber and then he does.  The Columbus bit is a hoot but the prodigal son word salad was the one that made me laugh.  (Thank you, @thoughtful.  I was very much in need of that bit of humor.)

Eventually, just by the law of averages, he's going to have someone in the congregation who isn't brain dead and who either rolls his eyes or makes some dismissive sound.  I just hope it's captured on video.

[Ozlsn]

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's theme is How Will You End Your Life?

And he goes right to talking about the spam calls he gets

I do agree those spam calls are infuriating but Gary, that's no reason to contemplate ending more than the phone call!!

17 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

My Gawd!  A Salvation booth at the State Fair,  I’ve officially heard it all now.  No lineup at that booth I betcha!  

Our local Show all the different churches run community service type booths (e.g.Anglicans serve tea and coffee) but with the exception of the evangelical church there's no witnessing (even theirs comes in the form of brochures you can read if interested!)

A booth sounds to me like "Roll up, roll up, get your salvation here, two sinners saved for the price of one, bonus balloon if it's your first salvation!" 

[Antipatriarch]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

You think about - about in the movie insty - innersty or however you say that or whatever

OK this one stumped me. What movie is he talking about? (This learned constable is too cunning to be understood.)

[postscript]

He talks about the Navajo as if they’re a different species. He makes communication with them sound like some rare skill. And enough with the “Indian giver” jokes. He’s milked that particular racism far past it’s sell-by date. 

A couple of random musings:

First, what does he do with himself when he isn’t preaching, driving Becky to Walmarts, driving between gigs or posting ungrammatical rants on Facebook? He doesn’t cook, clean or assist with Jacob’s homeschooling. Becky does all that. Without Jesus, he strikes me as a beer and sports kind of guy, but he claims not to drink alcohol or watch The Beast (too much fornicatin’ in Mayberry). They don’t move from church to church every day, so he must have a fair amount of free time. What does he do all day?

Second, how often does his beloved tent actually get erected? He drags it all over the country, but I’d guess it gets put up once a month at best. Seems a pretty poor return on the original investment (I was going to say, “his investment,” but I highly doubt Gary put out a dime).  I wouldn’t be surprised if he rolls in for a gig and tries to persuade the pastor to use the tent even when it isn’t part of the deal. 

[Four is Enough]

21 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

My Gawd!  A Salvation booth at the State Fair,  I’ve officially heard it all now.  No lineup at that booth I betcha!  

In Maryland and Pennsylvania, I've been to State Fairs with "salvation booths".. I thought they were at every state fair... but on the "boring" side of the midway, if you know what I mean...

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

 

A booth sounds to me like "Roll up, roll up, get your salvation here, two sinners saved for the price of one, bonus balloon if it's your first salvation!"

Really - if they truly want to fit in with the barkers at the fair, they need to do a demo, like the people selling kitchen gadgets. "Salvation! It slices, it dices, it juliennes! But wait - there's more! Have you ever seen anything go through a tomato, or Satan, so cleanly? Now how much would you pray?"

3 hours ago, postscript said:

He talks about the Navajo as if they’re a different species. He makes communication with them sound like some rare skill. And enough with the “Indian giver” jokes. He’s milked that particular racism far past it’s sell-by date. 

So much this - to me, it's one of the most clueless, disgusting things he does, and, considering that this is Gary, that's saying a lot.

He actually hadn't done that crap for a few weeks, and then decided to bring it back, for no reason that had anything to do with what he was talking about, 2500 miles away from the people he was insulting. Even if there were fellow racists in the New Hampshire church, it wouldn't connect with them.

3 hours ago, postscript said:

First, what does he do with himself when he isn’t preaching, driving Becky to Walmarts, driving between gigs or posting ungrammatical rants on Facebook?

As far as I can tell, he claims he spends most of his free time reading the Bible. I suspect there is some dozing off involved.

He calls and texts lots of other preachers. And, he prolongs sales calls by trying to "save" the callers. So there's some time spent on his love-hate relationship with his smartphone, not to mention his love-hate-grift relationships with other people.

For a while there, he was exercising daily, but I don't know if he has gotten back to it. And, considering how often all of his vehicles break down, there is some shopping for parts and calling around for someone to fix things and/or give him stuff going on.

And, of course, he tries to "save" anyone who crosses his path, giving out tracts and probably getting in to arguments.

What? You don't think that's a full, rich life, of pleasure for him and service to others? ?

3 hours ago, postscript said:

Second, how often does his beloved tent actually get erected? He drags it all over the country, but I’d guess it gets put up once a month at best. Seems a pretty poor return on the original investment (I was going to say, “his investment,” but I highly doubt Gary put out a dime).  I wouldn’t be surprised if he rolls in for a gig and tries to persuade the pastor to use the tent even when it isn’t part of the deal. 

I agree, and can confirm that the tent was a gift from a man who was retiring from preaching on the road.

Gary seems to really want his full fantasy repeating over and over - rolling into a town, getting fed and housed with no cost or responsibility, being welcome and beloved by some, challenged by others so he can play the martyr and feel hated and persecuted, using the tent, preaching messages with lots of screaming back and forth,  some fellowship to assure himself that others share his views, then getting on the road for the next round.

Even his vision of Heaven is a responsibility-free home, free food that doesn't put any weight on you or require any work, and a combination of being loved by Jesus, and sitting in the corner with Peter (ETA and/or John the Baptist), because nobody else likes them.

Gary seems to think he'll still be himself, minus bad habits and sins, in Heaven, but he hasn't accounted for his restlessness - maybe he thinks it will be gone. More likely, he hasn't thought it through.

I suspect he'd hate the Heaven he describes, because it doesn't include his tent, his getting to preach, or the opportunity to get up and go to different places just because he has ants in his pants (or shpilkes, as we call it in my family, usually when talking about my father, who usually managed to keep his restlessness from hurting anyone - he just couldn't be expected to sit through a movie, play or concert, or stay long at a party).

Edited June 24, 2021 by thoughtful

[Alisamer]

3 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

OK this one stumped me. What movie is he talking about? (This learned constable is too cunning to be understood.)

I think he was trying to say "movie industry" there. 

57 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Even his vision of Heaven is a responsibility-free home, free food that doesn't put any weight on you or require any work, and a combination of being loved by Jesus, and sitting in the corner with Peter because nobody else likes them.

Gary seems to think he'll still be himself, minus bad habits and sins, in Heaven, but he hasn't accounted for his restlessness - maybe he thinks it will be gone. More likely, he hasn't thought it through.

I hope that heaven is what each person wants it to be. Gary can go sit in the corner with Peter eating his fish camp food that came straight from the river already fried. I hope mine includes lots of fun fictional characters come to life, really good music, and plenty of places to explore. 

[thoughtful]

14 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

I think he was trying to say "movie industry" there. 

I knew there was something I forgot to answer. Yes, he was trying to say "movie industry." As far as I can tell, Gary thinks the crop of "Christian" films like War Room and God is Not Dead are in the same category as churches with smokestacks and prayer teams, even though I'm pretty sure he's never seen a minute of any of them.

Give him Estus Pirkle's oeuvre, every time!

[postscript]

59 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

I think he was trying to say "movie industry" there. 

I hope that heaven is what each person wants it to be. Gary can go sit in the corner with Peter eating his fish camp food that came straight from the river already fried. I hope mine includes lots of fun fictional characters come to life, really good music, and plenty of places to explore. 

If I remember correctly, Martin Luther had somewhat the same concept when he said he thought of heaven as an apple orchard. The fundie version of heaven with angels flying around in white robes, has never appealed to me. However, heaven as whatever means most to you is a concept I’m fully behind.

I like your version of heaven, though I would add to it all the wine, all the books, the ability to time-travel, and everyone in perfect health with no pain/dementia/depression/etc. Also any pets who’ve gone over the Rainbow Bridge would be waiting on the other side (and no allergies!). Gary can argue theology and eat Chinese with St. Peter and John Shrader all he wants. They’ll never come near my personal heaven. 

[Antipatriarch]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Now how much would you pray?"

 

[AmazonGrace]

Spending eternity in an apple orchard just seems like the perfect opportunity to discover that you don't like apple orchards quite THAT much.

[Xan]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

Spending eternity in an apple orchard just seems like the perfect opportunity to discover that you don't like apple orchards quite THAT much.

Exactly.  I wouldn't want to spend an eternity in an orchard or even walking around on streets paved with gold.  As Gary has said, eternity is a long time.  I get bored easily.

[Ozlsn]

3 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Spending eternity in an apple orchard just seems like the perfect opportunity to discover that you don't like apple orchards quite THAT much.

It sounded to me like Luther was thinking of essentially one perfect day (or even afternoon) that he spent in an apple orchard, munching, reading and relaxing in warm weather. A day where he was just contentedly happy - and he didn't really know how to put it, so he described the apple orchard. I could live with heaven being where everyone is their best, contentedly happy selves - content in themselves with no need to change others. Shrader could be the goofy father, Stevehovah could play on the floor with kids - all the better, loving people that they could be (but spend most of their time not being) could come out.

Still think the worst sounding version of heaven envisaged was the one at the end if the Left Behind series, which focused quite a bit on vegetables lavished in butter.

[thoughtful]

We are in ME.

Spoiler

And that reminds me - there are only 16 more shopping days until the 22nd anniversary of Gary's salvation, on JOOlah 11. Make sure you have weens in the house!

Whether or not they are the red weens in ME is up to you.

[postscript]

He’s in the state of the holy red weens (he can post about eating them but please no pictures) and he’s putting up the tent? Gary must be in hog heaven! 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

We are in ME.

  Hide contents

And that reminds me - there are only 16 more shopping days until the 22nd anniversary of Gary's salvation, on JOOlah 11. Make sure you have weens in the house!

Whether or not they are the red weens in ME is up to you.

Well to be fair to Gary, ME is the correct abbreviation for Maine. MA is Massachusetts and MI is Michigan and MN is for Minnesota. 

I'm still chuckling about Columbus.