Jump to content

Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti


Recommended Posts

You know your usual haunt. So, continue being your lovely selves from there.



Edited by samurai_sarah
  • Thank You 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@samurai_sarah said Naschitti.


Well, we need the "heheheh," rather than the head banging, but you get the idea.

Gary has been very busy - some is his usual shit, but there are pictures of him . . . well, I'll let the spoilers do the work:











OK, now that you are all totally bored with Gary's same old sameness, check this out:






I dunno, Gar - in that first one, you look like you're just asking for an "amen."




  • Upvote 6
  • Eyeroll 1
  • Thank You 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aaaaand . . . back to Gary being Gary.



He got a heartbreaking, but effective clap back. Gary, if you start arguing with this woman, I may lose my shit.



ETA - that thumbs up on her comment is from Gary! What an idiot he is.

Edited by thoughtful
  • Upvote 4
  • WTF 2
  • I Agree 3
  • Thank You 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gary puts so many conditions on how you can know you are saved I think it comes down to just one thing: You are saved if, and only if, Gary says you are saved.

  • Upvote 8
  • I Agree 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

Gary puts so many conditions on how you can know you are saved I think it comes down to just one thing: You are saved if, and only if, Gary says you are saved.

I wonder how Gary would respond to the Bible verse that says only God knows who is saved and only God knows your heart...

  • Upvote 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gary preached the Sunday School service this morning at Lookout Mountan Baptist Church in Phoenix AZ.

As he begins, he says it's been eight years since he was last there, and "it was 85 degrees, compared ta a hunnert and twenty."

Does Becky keep a journal of every detail of their travels? Does Gary have one of those weird brains that can retain stuff like this, but can't remember how to pronounce words?

He tells them how he learned to go "up North in the summer, in the winter time - no, in the summer time, ah've learned to come out in the east, in the west, in the winter time, ain't quite as cold, amen." 

He tells them how he played basketball yesterday, that he's lost about 80 pounds, and needs to lose 50 more.


King James version: Thorns and snares are in the way of the froward: he that doth keep his soul shall be far from them.
Bro Gary version: Thorns and snares are in the ways of the forward: he that doeth keep his soul shall be far from them.

Yet another reason to use a translation that is in modern English. Froward is a weird archaic word, meaning difficult to deal with, contrary (as in to and fro, I guess?). It's nothing like the modern word forward in meaning. If Gary wasn't so pig-headed about the KJV, I'd be sympathetic.

Gary mentions that they were out handing out tracts yesterday. Sad to hear, Gary - I think your time would have been better served playing more basketball.

Gary's theme is what he wants to hear people say at his funeral. He says he hopes he ain't dyin' today. "Mah wahf would be happy, she could have her first white man's party amen."

Um, Gary - your whole racist "black people have a party when someone dies" shtick is offensive, but, if you skip it and go right to what you perceive as the punch line, it's also completely impossible to understand.

Gary wants them to think about what people would say walking by your casket. People from work, or church, or "Walmarts - or wherever it is that you spend a lot of your tahm or whatever."

 Gary, I don't expect strangers who happened to be in a store at the same time I was to attend my funeral. YMMV.

If your bibles are taken away (and Gary thinks that's likely), your life and testimony may be someone's bible. They met people while passing out tracts yesterday that didn't even own a bible.


KJV: that after the most straitest sect of our religion I lived a Pharisee.
BGV:  that after the most strangest stect of our religion I lived. A Pharisee.

KJV: Why should it be thought a thing incredible with you, that God should raise the dead?
BGV: Why should it be though as thing incredible with you, that God should raise. Them - the dead.

Gary goes on about having a testimony. Nobody can know if someone else is saved.

There's your answer, @3splenty and @Black Aliss, and I've heard him say this many times before. Whether or not it's merely lip service, only Gary knows. He will accuse others of not living their testimony, but usually says he can't know if someone is saved or not, if they say they are.

And he does seem to place only one condition on being saved - believing and receiving, etc. It's seems to me that it's things like living right, having a testimony, being a Christian (as opposed to just a saved person), how you use the altar (do you leave your burdens there), etc. that have all of the rules and conditions in Gary's mind.

Jude 22 - KJV: And of some have compassion, making a difference:
BGV (as usual): And some, having compassion, making a difference:

He has never read this short, simple verse correctly.

While referring to his kitchen duty in the Texas camp meeting, he says "when you're in the kitchen, guess what you got to realize you got Baptists in your hand, 'n' they gon' be ready to eat when it's tahm, when they let the preachin' go, amen."

Baptists in your hand? WTF were you putting in that food, Gary?




The usual humble shit follows. Gary knows all the words about it being all about Jesus, and not Gary, and how he's worthless without Jesus. The problem with Gary is that his arrogant manner doesn't match up with those words.

"Y'know, there's nothin' wrong with it, 'n' what these boys has had a good tahm, ah think. They act like they've enjoyed mah boy bein' around, they probably shoutin' when he's gone amen." He stops for laughter and laughs along, mumbling something I can't hear. Then suddenly serious: "But ah want - ah hope that somethin's, even through mah boy, ah hope somethin', that they've seen Jesus, through somethin'."

Poor Jacob. First your father schleps you around the country, preventing you from making friends, then he insults you, implying that the local boys are just being polite and will celebrate your leaving, then he gives you the burden of showing them Jesus in you and implying that it's probably unlikely that you did.

But no pressure. It's not like being your age is already difficult or anything. ?


While telling us to live our testimony, the ever-ironic Gary says: "Not everybody can live bah faith and travel, so awana say, you live bah faith and still work your job, amen? Thank God that you got a job. Ah unnerstand the world we're livin' in today, they're tryin' to teach our young people that workin' is the last thing you should wanna do."

He even says "the Bahble says we don't work, we're worser than a infidel. And we shouldn't eat, amen?"



After some of his usual shit, Gary tells us about a friend in New Mexico who is has had several surgeries on his eyes. When Becky got a text from his wife saying he was "having a bad day in the part," he told her to text back "Just remember, the devil is a liar."

Very helpful, Gary.

Referring again to yesterday's soul winning: "Which when he said goin' to Target parking lot, that's the biggest mistake you can ever say - them people hate God!" He told them they were "gonna git run off the property." And "Ah done it raht - ah got over where ah could hide and they couldn't see me, amen? But they got caught, and they run 'em off. Ya say wha is zat? Becowse the world don't want nothin' to do with God."

He claims a preacher in Canada was just put in jail, and told "'Now, preacher, we'll let you out of jail if you'll promise to leave your church, and not preach any more.' Ah'm hopin' he's stayin' faithful to God 'n' may have to rot in jail. Amen?"

I assume he is talking about James Coates. I figure, even if you haven't heard of him, you can guess that he was jailed for defying health codes, not for preaching. And what he was asked to do was sign something saying he will comply with mask wearing and distancing - nobody has asked him to  leave his church or stop preaching.

Gary says that, like Jesus who hoped the cup would pass him by (after rattling off his usual list of tortures) he hopes his death will be easy: "Ah'd rather go lay down in somebody's bed amen - ah would lay down in mine, but ah cain't afford one, amen." But that may not be the way it is.


Gary says this used to be his life verse, but "ah realized what it was and ah changed it real quick-like amen!"

He's said this before, and I have never understood it. What's so terrible about that verse, Gary? And if it is not worthy to be a life verse, why is it OK for a message?

He sympathizes with those who don't fare as well as he does on Facebook: "These guys git kicked off of Facebook, ah dunno, ah ah ah put some pretty bad things on there, ah think. Maybe I put it right, and they don't know how to read or somethin' I dunno."


Among his usual shit, he gets into his old pandemic riff, and tells us that men still don't wash their hands properly before leaving the "restroom-restaurant rooms" and "whatever commode they were at."

1 John 4:19 - We love him, because he first loved us.

Gary hopes someone would say something about him, "not just sad things," because he lived for Jesus. "Ah unnerstand they're gonna lah about the church, they gonna lah about the preacher 'n' all that kinda stuff. That's another reason ah do mahn live. Ah was in Maine, Maine in 2019, and ah said somethin' and two women twisted it, and another woman come to me an' asked me about it and ah said 'No, ah didn't say that, but OK.'"

The pastor comes up and says we're going to paying for our lives soon. God will give crowns out to those who give their whole life for Christ.

Just what Gary needs - more ego building.

Edited by thoughtful
  • Upvote 1
  • Haha 2
  • Thank You 15
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says this used to be his life verse, but "ah realized what it was and ah changed it real quick-like amen!"

He's said this before, and I have never understood it. What's so terrible about that verse, Gary? And if it is not worthy to be a life verse, why is it OK for a message?

It involves study? Maybe work?

  • Upvote 2
  • Haha 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I swung past the church today. So lovely


  • Upvote 2
  • Eyeroll 1
  • Thank You 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He even says "the Bahble says we don't work, we're worser than a infidel. And we shouldn't eat, amen?"

I think I figured out how Bro Gary can lose the rest of his weight...

  • Upvote 2
  • Haha 13
  • I Agree 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sunday morning service at Lookout Mountain starts with Draw Me Nearer, then Set My Soul Afire. Pastor Mike Bessinas comes up before the song ends, and Ronny, the very enthusiastic song leader seems a bit nonplussed by this:



Pastor says "Praise the Lord, I'm glad you're such - excuse me for a second" and sort of maneuvers the song leader away, saying "Move out of my way, big guy."



Pastor Mike then goes on to berate the congregation, in a jolly voice, about how unenthused their singing is. He imitates their dull mumble, and says "What are you asking for, God to light a match?"

He says God laid these hymns on the hearts of the writers, unlike today's Gospel songs. He mocks modern church music, that just says "Celebrate Jesus, celebrate Jesus, celebrate Jesus." He asked the guys on the ranch what they want to do after hearing a song like that, and they said "Let's go get drunk."

This scolding goes on for about two minutes, then he says they are going to sing the last verse. "Let's hope it's not the last verse you sing to God." (pissy face). "So, let's sing this. get a little excited there, Ronny."

I don't think Ronny could be any more excited, but OK.

Then the pastor tells Ronny "like you were preaching!" and does a bizarre lectern-gripping bob and weave:


image.png.e095634387433a546a7b6a01d156c27d.png image.png.af243b1dd9ddb23ccd583389dc06689e.pngimage.png.be46c5b0b9eb4dee20e136c7cc7a4e05.png


"Ronny was preachin', last Sunday was preachin', I thought he was runnin' the ball down the field, jukin' the defense." He continues mocking Ronny's bob-and-weave preaching, and said the devil must have been after him.

BTW, while he was berating them for not singing loudly enough (hey, pastor, are you sure Set My Soul Afire is a familiar hymn for everyone there? I didn't even hear Gary and Becky), he mentions that he was singing along loudly while he was watching the live streams because he was home, sick. Wonder what he had.

Anyway, Ronny finally gets to lead the rest of the song.

The pastor comes back, tells a story of a woman who said (he imitates weepy whiny complaining) that her husband wasn't living for the Lord. She wanted to get him right with God. They got the husband involved, and he started coming to every church service, and going out soul-winning. She came back and said "I didn't want him to get that right!"

Insert rimshot here.

He mocks them for being on the Internet too much. After a few minutes of that, he says that churches today don't have anything on the missions he used to preach in, in Chicago. "I was running that rescue mission, all Blacks, I was the only white guy in there, we saw one white guy come through there in the whole time I was in there, 7 1/2 years. I was the only white guy, and I was the preacher."

He goes on to praise how enthusiastically and thoughtfully the people in Chicago sang. He is oozingly patronizing.

He tells them Gary doesn't want to preach to a bunch of dead people, jokes about maybe Gary does preach in graveyards :confusion-shrug: , then mocks people who go to graveyards to talk to the dead - they should go there and pray to God, and ask God to talk to their dead loved ones.

Then a prayer; he asks God to stoke fire in them, and for them to be soul-conscious. And he just can't stop talking and get on to the next part of the service.

He talks about his salvation, and how he first showed up in church in jeans and a tee shirt, but then he got convicted to dress up. He says you used to have to wear a tie to get into any restaurant, and you should dress up for church. They have ties, dress shirts, dresses and skirts for anyone who needs them. In fact, there are ladies in church right now wearing things his wife gave them, because some people can't afford clothes.

I'm sure they are just thrilled to have you mention it, Mike.

Prayer requests ensue, including one for a man who almost died ("it was touch-and-go") with "that Covid," and will probably come back to church in "less than two weeks" with an oxygen tank.

He has them look at at a devotional in their bulletin that says something about mercy. This turns into a quiz about where we find mercy. He picks at them until someone says "throne of grace."

He makes announcement of upcoming events, that I'm sure will be crowded and maskless. They will have shotgun preaching (same as popcorn preaching, as far as I can tell - short talks by inexperienced young preachers). He teases about Ronny's football moves again, comparing him to Gale Sayers and Jim Brown. "He preaches like a Black man - amen brother. I love it. I love Black men preachin' - I love it. They can preach the hide off of ya."

And he takes us back to his assistant pastor days in South Chicago. "People say 'South Chicago?' Yeah, that's where Black people live." "It was an Independent Baptist Black church, amen, it wasn't this traditional, uh, y'know, uh, I mean, where they went craz -  said a bunch of stuff that didn't make any sense or things that weren't biblical." "Black folk'll get you fired up."

He returns to comparing Ronny to those preachers. "Ronny's gettin' some o' that, amen, praise the Lord, and it's not Black, it's not Black, it's just the Holy Ghost, brother. Unless the Holy Ghost is Black, I don't know. Nah, I don't think so." Big laughs at this, then "I think he's alllll colors, brother."

But he and they are still laughing as if the idea of the Holy Ghost being black is just the silliest thing ever. And, after a few statements about how the Holy Ghost doesn't judge that way, and it's just the power of God, he adds "And it's not a black power, it's a white power, it's a white power, 'cause there's a dark side, y'know, and He ain't it. He's light, the Bible says."



And he gets back to the man who had Covid and his need for oxygen, and asks them to pray for God to take the need for it away.

But wait - there's more racism!

He sets up the singing of Happy Birthday to his daughter and his daughter in law, who he calls Miss  Chau. He teases his daughter about still acting like a teenager, and tries to make a joke by calling Chau his favorite daughter-in-law (because he only has one married son). But he follows it up with a racist little Charlie Chan impression, calling her his "numba one daughter-in-raw." Then he tries to explain who Charlie Chan was, and how he used to say that because he only had one son.

Not true - the character had 11-14 children, and about half of them were boys (continuity was not a hallmark of those films!). So you're racist, throwing out references your audience won't get, and you don't know shit about the thing you're referencing, Mike.

They finally sing Happy Birthday. Someone there does the "whoooo" thing after each phrase, like the Rods do.

Making reference to his daughter again, he says, "If anyone out there has a husband for sale . . . " Then goes on about how he likes to scare young men at a camp meeting they attend by telling them to keep away from his daughters, saying he'll still have shotguns strapped to either side when he's old and using a walker, and all four of his sons will have shotguns, too.

He takes up the building fund, with little kids going out to get money from people while canned music of kids singing plays, and he cracks jokes about wanting hundred dollar bills, credit cards and IRAs, 401Ks.

They take up another collection, as Ronny sings The Last Blood.

And the pastor is up there again - he forgot to announce Chau and his son James' anniversary. Everyone sings to them, then some of the Pastor's other kids sing Alas and Did My Savior Bleed.

Pastor clowns for his audience a bit more, chuckling at his own wit.

I never thought it was possible, but I think this guy is making me crave listening to Gary instead!

Finally, at the 45 minute mark, Gary comes up.

And I think I have to tackle that tomorrow. Right now I want a shower.



Edited by thoughtful
removing extra picture
  • Upvote 1
  • Thank You 17
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ewwwww.  Just, ewwwwww.

What is wrong with the world that we get this kind of racist who thinks he is in such a morally superior position that he's able to preach to other people?  And if I were brother Ronny, I'd have shoved this sucker away from the lectern.

  • Upvote 6
  • I Agree 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

While I was looking at James and Chau's Facebook page last night, I found out they and their children are working on a TV series he is trying to sell:


Becky is thankful (she doesn't say who that is, but I think it's one of the Bessinas daughters):



OK, back to Gary's part of the Sunday morning service. As he goes along, he gets more and more into long, hissing ssssssss sounds, if there's an s at the end of his sentences. Just add that mentally as you read.

He gets a very loud response to his usual question about their being glad to be in church, and, for once, is satisfied. Well, maybe - he says "Y'all act lahk y'all might really wanna be here. Either that, or y'all got a lotta people fooled amen."

He says it's good to be where there's no snow, and jokes about why they still have the snow picture up:



He comments about there being more people in the church than there were eight years ago, and that's a good thing, but people come and go, and, "the closer we get to the Lord there'll be more goin' than there is comin.'"

This need to want more people in church, with the simultaneous need to see people falling away from church as a sign of the end times, makes my head spin when Gary brings it up. And I don't even believe in it - what does it do to his already-addled brain?

This church may be offensive, but it's organized. Gary, it seems, was expected to hand in a preview of what he was planning to read, so they could put it up for home viewers:



I have never known, before this, where he was planning to stop (although I've gotten pretty good at guessing). I feel like I've been given a wonderful gift!

In verse 12, Gary says "my name's sake" instead of "his name's sake."

Verse 13 becomes "I write unto you, fathers, because ye have known him that unto you, young men, because ye have overcome the wicked. Uh, one. I write unto you, little children, because ye have known the Father."

In verse 14, he still says "I write unto you," completely ignoring both instances of the change in wording. He also ends with "ye shall have overcome the wicked one."

In verse 16, he says: "lustses of the flesh, and of the eyes, and of the pride of life, is not the Father, but of the world."

Gary's theme is the church lovin' the world, and the world pretending to get more churchy.

He mentions the preacher's son James, and his movie, then says Hollywood is producing so-called Christian moves, but "when ya got the boogie-woogies in it, an' ya got the cussin' in it, amen, and all the nekkidness in it, ah kin tell ya right now, that ain't of God."

Gary assures us that he doesn't hang out in graveyards (take that, Mike!), then rattles off his usual routine about the "maniac" in Mark 5 who put clothes on when he got in his right mind.

Oh, wait - this message has an actual title: What Is Your Daily Catch (I think - Gary says Ketch, so maybe we each get a new boat daily - I don't have room for one boat, let alone new ones each day, Gary).

We all have a plan of what we are going to do each day - for most Baptists, it's eating "3, 4, and 5 times a day." Gary's glad he went up to Yankee land, because they have lunch and brunch and dinner and supper.

"What is your daily ketch? If you're not ketchin' up with the Lord Jesus Christ, you're not ketchin' up with anything."

If you're saved, you're in a war (with the devil, I think, but it's hard to tell).

Gary announces Jeremiah 15:16, then reads something completely different, jokes about that being a good scripture but not what he wanted, then reads the correct one. I guess he didn't warn them about the shorter readings he sprinkles throughout his messages, because it's not on the screen this time.

KJV: Thy words were found, and I did eat them; and thy word was unto me the joy and rejoicing of mine heart: for I am called by thy name, O Lord God of hosts.
BGV: The words. Were found, and I did eat them up; and they - and thy words was unto me the joy and rejoicin' of mah heart: for I am called by the name of the Lord. Gah - Lord God of hosts.

You need to "dah-jest" what you read in the Bible like you do your fleshly food. "Ah don't really taste mah food, ah just make sure mah belly's full, amen?"

Oh, Gary, bad choice of metaphor. Now I can't help but think of what you say in your messages as the final product - you read the Bible, digest it, and produce shit.

He picks up his Bible, and says it's not just the word of God, it is God.

"Look in Ephizz - Philippians, chapter 4."

He interrupts himself for more ranting, then announces "Ephizzins - Phillipians, whatever it is" again.


KJV:   let your requests be made known unto God.
BGV:  let your prayer requests be known unto God.

God knows everything, including what you need, but He wants you to realize it, and pray for it. Well, that sounds petty.

While talking about modern technology and how we can know things so quickly these days, Gary mentions that he went to look up a place to get fried chicken (for "the boys") last night, and got a news report that a place about 60 miles away "that had some chicken barns to burn up - coulda had all the fried chicken ya'd want to, it woulda been a little bit crispy, amen."

Making fun of someone else's misfortune - how very Christian of you, Gary.

Gary's glad he can talk directly to God, without going through the Pope.

"Ah'm not aginst pets, ah got one, but it's mah wife's fault, amen."

I hope this means Rascal is OK.

Gary insults Phoenix drivers for never obeying the speed limit, then tells them he "joined the crowd" in speeding, for fear of getting run over.


Gary reminds us that Jesus was saying this to his mother and stepfather. So Gary knows the word stepfather, but I guess it doesn't apply to him.

He insults Mary and Joseph, and his kids, in one fell swoop: "I ain't never been able to go a day's journey without knowin' my children wa'nt there, amen. They make enough racket, ah kin figure that out."

Going out with tracts should be a daily thing. "Your people at work should know you go to church."

"If Jesus Christ himself knew that he was sent to do a business for the Lord Jesus Christ," we should know, also.

Gary's into his M. C. Escher view of the trinity again.

Gary reassures them that he won't "go to the gamlin' machines" when he goes to Nevada, because he can't afford it, and tells them about his tent. He lays on lots of guilt about needing to go out and annoy people.


As usual, he looks right at it, and still ends with "might" instead of "mind."

"Ah never had true love until ah fell in love with Jesus."

He gets into his shit about the people on the reservation being his people again, and the all lives matter crap. "Drunks matter, amen! Race people matter, amen!"


Race people?


You should be willing to die for God, he should be more important than family members. You need to forsake  everything and give it to God.


Gary pronounces eschewed correctly today.

Sin is still sin, no matter what the modern preachers say.

He announces Matthew 22:37, starts to read it, realizes he already read it, then changes it to:


"Amana tell ya raht now, ya ought to be livin'."

Some people have chosen to stop living during the pandemic-howeveryawannacallit, because they watched the television. No, Gary, people chose to be safe. Those who stopped living, literally, may have been infected by shits like you.

"Where was the news comin' from before we ever had television? The Bahble."

Um, that will come as a shock to anyone who ever read a newspaper, listened to a radio, or, for that matter, listened to a town crier.

Gary doesn't pay attention to the news, because "ain't none of it true."

During his usual riff on why people don't use the altar, or use it correctly, he says "Maybe that's the reason ya ain't got an altar here, amen ya don't use it amen. HAYMEN good preachin' if ah am doin' it."

You're biting the hand that's feeding you, Gary.

Gary gets on "the Dr. Seuss thing." He's probably had that read to him, or read it to someone else, but he's not worried about Dr. Seuss, he's worried about Jesus Christ. "That's a fake character - Jesus is real!"

You've said that worrying is a sin, Gary. Jesus won't like it. Also, Dr. Seuss was not a fake character.


Gary talked to "some pasture over in Califonia here" (he's trying to get there!), who said  they were not allowing any special guests right now. "He says 'Every tahm we git done with service and nobody comes in, ah say well, we've made it another Sunday without anybody comin' in.'"

Oh, those sinful California Baptists, trying to stay alive - how dare they!

He talks about the guy whose church was supposedly about to get raided by the police, who were stopped by bad weather, and creates a scary image of the police coming down this church's driveway to lock the doors. All of his usual shit about "them" coming to take our history, bibles, church, etc. away follows.

Gary hasn't been worrying about what people say about him, because he's had his nose in the Bible. :liar:

Women go out and pay "real money" for a love story, when the best love story is right there in the Bible.




Make sure you're saved, the rich man, reptobate, etc.

  • Upvote 4
  • Haha 1
  • Thank You 15
  • Love 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"lustses of the flesh

I cannot be the only one who added "My preciouss" to the end of that.

11 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

You need to "dah-jest" what you read in the Bible like you do your fleshly food. "Ah don't really taste mah food, ah just make sure mah belly's full, amen?"

I am trying to imagine Gwen Shamblin and Gary in the same room now. The mixing of messages! The crossing of streams! And still not a divinely inspired thought in sight.

  • Upvote 5
  • Haha 15
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

In fact, there are ladies in church right now wearing things his wife gave them, because some people can't afford clothes.

He honestly said that?  Well, that's just rude!

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And he gets back to the man who had Covid and his need for oxygen, and asks them to pray for God to take the need for it away.

Um, if God takes away the need for oxygen, then the man would be dead. 

  • Upvote 12
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

He honestly said that?  Well, that's just rude!

Pastor Bessinas is not just offensive to people of other ethnicities - he's offensive to everyone, it seems. He really seemed to have no limit, no filter, and no shut-off valve for his mouth. I'd suspect he was under the influence of drink or drugs, if he weren't an IFB minister.

Are you shinning Jesus? How about thighing Him? Heeling or calving might be difficult.




  • Upvote 1
  • Haha 11
  • Thank You 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Xan said:

@thoughtful: ""Gary's into his M. C. Escher view of the trinity again."

I love this so much.

@thoughtful has a way with words - sometimes I get to giggling over something she wrote so hard that I can't breath.

  • Upvote 2
  • I Agree 10
  • Thank You 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Dana723 said:

@thoughtful has a way with words - sometimes I get to giggling over something she wrote so hard that I can't breath.

Thank you for the compliment! But please stay safe and keep breathing!

Sunday evening service starts with Ronny leading Count Your Blessings, then Little Is Much When God is In It

Pastor Mike comes up, asking what's ringing, and "Did you answer it?" OK, we get it - someone needs to turn off their phone. He bows his head to pray, and begins, "Heavenly Father, we want to thank you it is ringing."

He continues the prayer, but starts in again about the ringing phone when he is done. He starts announcements, then does a whole routine about his wife's forgetfulness. "Miss Rhonda, did you know there was a ladies' meeting on Friday? Now you know." He giggles. "She'll go - she'll go" (dopey voice) 'I didn't know the Hawkins were comin'. 'I announced it.' 'I didn't hear.'" He giggles. "I said maybe that was - you were not listening on purpose about that." More giggles. "No, I didn't."

Then he gets into a whole riff about how his wife could beat him in a fight, but young guys shouldn't get into a fight with old guys because they'll fight to the end, and "he'll be layin' on top of you, dead, and you'll be dead underneath him, amen." This includes telling his son he'd beat him to death with his walker when he's 92.

He brings up the chained elephant image, which I've only heard presented as symbolic of something negative, letting old fears hold you back, not realizing your own potential. But he relates it to raising children, and thinks it's a great idea! "That's what ya do with your children - ya teach 'em a memory that they do not want to violate. Don't wanna go past the chain amen, this is the way it is."

One memory he "helped" his kids with was "don't mess with Mom." He tells them: "She was my wife before you were my kids. The only reason we have you is because of me and Mom together. If we hadn't been together, you guys wouldn't be around. That's all - adopted, fostered, biological, it doesn't matter."

Why yes, this man has adopted children. I hope their lives are not a living Hell, but I suspect I'm wrong.

He also says he'd tell his oldest son about it if the younger kids "messed with Mom." He makes sure we know "James was military," and "he'll be about a 3-minute buzzsaw, but he'll still beat 'em."

More, about a former Hells Angel turned preacher, who God always punished when he got mad at his mother, even before he was saved.

He finishes with telling us he warned his kids that, if you make Mom mad and she stops cooking, Dad will suffer. He wonders how he got off on this tangent, then remembers - the ladies' meeting! That announcement was about six minutes earlier.

Building fund offering again, with the same stupid jokes about ways to pay, and recorded music. He teases the kids, accuses someone of stealing a joke of his, chuckles and giggles some more.

Someone I can't hear says a prayer, then this group (who I'm pretty sure are the pastor's kids) sings The Value of One.



A group of young men fuss with microphones and shuffle around for a while, get a starting note, then sing What a Day That Will Be. With some work, they could be pretty good, but, for now, they have a lot of trouble singing in tune.

Pastor Mike returns. He rambles on about someone (female, of course), in his family who sings while doing kitchen work. He notices two people there, said he was praying they'd come. Of course, he was praying some other family members would come, too, but "two outta four ain't bad."

Finally he decides to continue the service, and says "Let's go ahead, and have the leprechaun - I mean, Brother Hawkins come." Then he cracks wise about Gary's green shirt, and tells him to be sure to wear it on March 17th, "so ya don't get beat down."

Well, he's done better with time than he did in the morning service - we're only 30 minutes in, this time.

Gary does his thank-yous, jokes about not wearing the microphone because "they told me this was a tracking device," then puts it on. He was already very loud, so now I have to turn the volume way down.

He reads from Matthew:



Several mistakes, but not bad, by Gary standards.

This is Gary's We Need Jesus in the Midst message. Sounds more like Mist, but I know Jesus was not a gorilla, so I assume Gary means midst.

And, after only a few sentences, he's already off to another reading:


They was "nekkid," and not ashamed.

Sometimes Becky tells Gary he has to make a decision because he's the head.

There's some wife-beatin' goin' on across our land, and Gary doesn't like that. He says there's some wife-beaters, too. I think you meant husband-beaters, Gary. He also says "the husband is to leave her family, and go with your wife."

"Ah'm still lookin' for a good woman to work for me, amen! HAYMEN!" Long pause. "Aw, y'all ain't gonna git no - y'all ain't gonna get a bit o' humor roun' here, ah kin see that."

"Whenever mah wahf does some foolish things or some crazy things, ah look up into Heaven and say 'God, thank ya that ah'm  not a man and not a woman, amen." Realizing what he said: "ah'm glad ah'm a man, not a woman, amen."

He generously posits that Becky probably feels the same way about being in his shoes. ?

"She sells Tupperware for a livin ' - well, ah don't know if it's for a livin' - she makes a little bit of spendin' money for herself." He mocks how fast she spends money, and tells some story about forgetting to answer her when she asked if she could buy something for the kitchen.

Then he says he's supposed to meet her needs. How about doing it then, Gary?


Gary condemns divorce, and tells the young men God will tell them when they've found the right woman.

He goes on to his usual child-beating celebration.


Peter was not a Pope. He repeats his scary scenario of people coming to lock up the church.

Some churches aren't doing what they should. Gary watched a video from a church he's going to preach at in May, and Becky asked if they have to go. Gary says he'll "go out there and preach against some of the stuff they're doin', amen."


He screams about PREACHING (not to be confused with entertaining) for a while.


You'd better be careful about music in church, especially string instruments. Gary had read about a dulcimer in the bible, but had never seen one, until someone gave them one. I guess it's OK, as long as you are not playing it for Nebuchadnezzar's idol.

You gotta be careful with some of that southern gospel music because "it's got the beats and the bangs."

He screams about a preacher who used to preach against EVERYTHING! Gary saw a picture of him recently, and "them things that he preached aginst was on the stage where  he was preachin' at yesterday."

Just musical instruments, I assume, Gary - not liquor bottles or nekkid people or anything like that, right?

You don't even need a piana. "A cappella ain't too bad."

Gary knows the expression "a cappella!"  :pink-shock:

However, he still thinks that "what's her name, Miss Crosby, blind lady" wrote Amazing Grace. He hasn't brought that up for many months. Somebody provides her first name, but I'm sad to say that nobody tells him that she did not write Amazing Grace.


He's got Jesus advising the disciples to "knock your feet off and go to the next placcccccce" again.

He screws up his next reading, saying it's Psalms 12:33. No such thing. As he's fumbling about, he says it's something about "our country," someone suggests Psalms 33:12, and Gary gives them a reluctant compliment: "You do know some Scripture, that's surprisin' amen."


Gary claims that any amount of studying history and reading  the Bible will show you that our country was founded on God.

Again, "they" are going to take it all away, and it's all the fault of Christians who got complacent because they were so happy Trump was in office.

He tells them to continue to have prayer rooms for men and for women - I guess that's what this church does instead of the altar, and I guess Gary found that out at some point since he mocked them for the lack of altar.

He does his USA in the middle of the word Jerusalem idiocy.


KJV: For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty.
BGV: For the king of all that are in authority; that we may lead the quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honor.

Pray for Pelosi and Schumer so they won't burn in Hell, even though "they're prob'ly whoremongin' one's another and all that kinda thing."

That's some bizarre fan fic, Gary. :brainbleach:

Gary will never call Joe Bahden president, but we should pray for him. I don't want to hear your fan fic ideas for him, Gary.


Ah, the fairy darts of the wicked, and the preserveness and supplication for all saints - haven't heard about those in a while.

Again, we get the threatening "them" that is coming to forbid Christianity and lock the church.

Gary was talking to James, the pastor's son, about his movie-making ambitions, and told him all about Estus Pirkle. Oh, never mind the service, Gary - I want to see video of that conversation!

He says Pirkle made a movie called "If the Footmen Tarmee." Actually, it's If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? It's about what happened in them other countries, that's coming here.


You need to be in church every time the doors open.

And he starts screaming about Joe in the basement and wicked "Harrison," for no apparent reason.

If you go on vacation, you have to make sure there's a good church you can go to. "Our country was founded on goin' to church."

We find out that Pastor Mike was so sick he missed church for a month.

God, or possibly Jesus, is on the edge of his seat, got the little trumpet at the edge of his lips, so don't give up on anyone you are trying to save.



Interesting hand position and embouchure God/Jesus has there, Gary.

Edited by thoughtful
  • Upvote 2
  • Thank You 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary condemns divorce, and tells the young men God will tell them when they've found the right woman.

So your first wife died then did she Gary? How exactly?

12 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

This is Gary's We Need Jesus in the Midst message. Sounds more like Mist, but I know Jesus was not a gorilla, so I assume Gary means midst.

I don't think that's necessarily a safe assumption. I mean, the Bible is the Greatest Love Story Ever, and here is Jesus in the Mist...

  • Upvote 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

I don't think that's necessarily a safe assumption. I mean, the Bible is the Greatest Love Story Ever, and here is Jesus in the Mist...

True. I googled Jesus romance novel cover, and there were too many to choose from.

Becky posted Michaela's "gender reveal" - dusk, sideways camera, shabby unreadable banner, balloons that either float away or don't come out of the bin at all. I guess that's better than causing deaths or a forest fire.

Here's a sample screen shot:




Anyway, everything was pink.


Also, coyotes in Phoenix:




  • Thank You 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Scruggs. How very Dickensian. This poor child hasn't been born yet and she's already a wafer-thin, shabbily dressed Cockney-speaking orphan in my mind.

Edited by Ozlsn
  • Upvote 8
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Becky posted Michaela's "gender reveal" - dusk, sideways camera, shabby unreadable banner, balloons that either float away or don't come out of the bin at all. I guess that's better than causing deaths or a forest fire.

Coincidentally, I watched this video this morning about disastrous gender reveals.  Fascinating Horror is a good channel if you’re into that sort of thing.


  • Thank You 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Scruggs. How very Dickensian. This poor child hasn't been born yet and she's already a wafer-thin, shabbily dressed Cockney-speaking orphan in my mind.

I associate the name with an amazing musician, Earl Scruggs. There are certainly stereotypes attached to the name in the US, though, of poor folks from the Southeast.

Earl Scruggs' fame didn't change that much, since he started out in bluegrass and was one of the performers on the Beverly Hillbillies theme,  his instrument was banjo, and he came from poor southern roots.


Edited by thoughtful
  • Upvote 1
  • Thank You 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here's Gary responding to the person who teased him about needing to see video to prove he can play basketball. He and Jacob were playing HORSE, then some one-on-one and messing around.

Those with actual basketball skills may want to mock, but I'm out of this one - they are both better than I ever was! My body told me "you cannot make a ball go higher than your head" when basketball and volleyball skills were taught in school, and no phys. ed. teacher's ideas, or practice, could seem to break that barrier. I probably needed a full regimen for building upper-body strength.

It was nice to watch so much of Gary not speaking. I would have pegged him as a mean trash-talker, like the father in The Great Santini (but stupider and without the cursing),  but I think most of what either of them say is pretty well within the bounds of being appropriately competitive.


ETA - Caleb commented. I wish he could spell.


Edited by thoughtful
  • Upvote 3
  • Haha 1
  • Thank You 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

54 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

ETA - Caleb commented. I wish he could spell.


I'm not going to lie - I had to read that several times to figure out what Caleb was saying!

  • Upvote 3
  • I Agree 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • samurai_sarah locked, unlocked and locked this topic
This topic is now closed to further replies.

  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.