Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[thoughtful]

My inner 12-year-old thinks Pleasure Ridge sounds like a body part in a sex manual: "to give your partner the best experience, don't ignore the pleasure ridge."

Come om out!

Spoiler

That church is having a revival next month, and it's not with Gary.

Love   the name of the musical group.

Spoiler

ETA - I listened to that musical group. Gary would disapprove of the women in slacks and the Country sound, and I'm not interested in their message, but they are good, musically.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVEqM6Yeu0s-8FYh0nWkbFQ

Edited January 10, 2022 by thoughtful
fixing factual error

[Four is Enough]

Is Bro Garu a cross between Gary and a guru?

And what other man his age do you know who has no grey in his beard? Does Gary dye his beard?

 

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

Is Bro Garu a cross between Gary and a guru?

And what other man his age do you know who has no grey in his beard? Does Gary dye his beard?

 

Garu is many things.

I can't imagine Gary dyes his beard - it just seems like something for which he wouldn't have the patience for sitting still while Becky did the work. And, while Gary is vain, it seems like the wrong kind of vanity, somehow. I could be way off.

Gary was rantin' and ravin' at Pleasure Ridge General Baptist Church in Louisville KY this evening.

"Matthew chapter 24 this is not what ah studied fer tonaht, but ah believe this is what the Lord wants ah dunno whose water it is ah hope they didn't spit in it or git it from the commode amen."

What do you mean, that doesn't make sense? He picked up a bottle of water in the middle of that stream-of-whatever, took off the cap, and took a swig after the amen.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+24%3A36-39&version=KJV

KJV: For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark,
Bro Gary Version: For as. In the days that we were - we were - before the flood they were eating, they were drinking, marrying and givin' in marriage, until the day that Noee entered into the ark,

I guess this is where Gary gets the pronunciation "Noee" for "Noah." He says "Noee" for both spellings tonight. I think he usually says "Noah" when he's reading or referring to the actual story of the Ark. In the KJV, it's spelled one way in Genesis, and the other way in the gospels.

Does anyone know if pronouncing it differently for the two spellings is common practice among KJV-users, or is this just a Garyism? As far as I know, Noe and Noah should be pronounced the same way.

This church has a few men who yell out in agreement, and a hand-raiser who's also sometimes a pointer:

Spoiler

It sounds like Gary's message tonight is going to be similar to his Facebook rant the other day. There is not a fay-min of food, but there is a fay-min of the word of God.

"We have this past year you look at it 'n' ahwanna say somethin' to ya ah have not made light of this vahris whatsoever ah have not made fun of it, but it - but ahwanna tell ya somethin' this vahris that's been goin' on for the last year was more than a vahris it was more of the election, and ah'm not here to preach about the election, ah'm here to tell you that  uh things are goin' ohn, that the Bahble's fulfillin' itself each and every day.

This gets loud yells of "that's right" and "I agree" from Pointing Man, and some assent from others.

The people who yell out in support of things Gary says that aren't even statements in English never cease to amaze me. Somehow, the weirdness of his brain cells and the weirdness of theirs connect, and they know what he says.

I think it's just keywords and phrases - virus, election, "things are going on," Bible fulfilling itself. As long as "I'm your kind of Baptist" and "hate liberals, love Trump" gets through, some of them will agree with meaningless gibberish.

Oh, and wife-mocking - they love that. Gary does his bit about thinking Becky's saved "'bout half the time," and gets hearty laughs.

He rattles off 2 Corinthians 13:5 (the "reptobate" verse) by memory, at top speed.

You better make sure you're saved.

Pointing Man stands up to point.

Spoiler

Gary says, "You ain't dealin' with the Pope, and someone applauds loudly as Gary attempts the Pope/hope/fulla dope joke, and gets a laugh. Of course, Gary doesn't hate the Pope, he just hates his religion, and wishes he'd get bornaginsavedbyth'graceo'God.

Gary claims "the Pope has lit'r'lly made fun of Jesus hangin' on the cross."

Gary does his usual shit about "dealing with" Catholics up north, and his version of "could you prove yourself guilty of being saved, in a court of law."

While ranting about how important it is to be saved, he resentfully reminds them that this is not what he had planned for tonight, and he'll even show them his notes if they want, to prove it, but "ah do believe in being obedient to the Holy Spirita God, is that OK?"

Did someone say something before the service that set you off, Gary? Do you suspect someone there of not being saved?

He gets laughs with the joke about attending church not making you saved any more than stepping into a garage makes you a vehicle.

He also get loud assent when he asks if he's making sense. No, people, no!

He does his weird disclaimer about not looking right at them but seeing them anyway, and how he doesn't want to see how they're looking at him.

Really, Gary? This crowd loves you.

It's the end times. Gary sits on something, commenting that he hopes he won't break it, to imitate Jesus on the edge of his seat, about to blow that trumpet.

Spoiler

"You know these people that play these different kinds of ah don't know whatchu call 'em but they put 'em in their mouth amen? Well that's what the trumpet is listen hey, they have to wet their lips up 'n' git it all ready. Ah believe Jesus' lips are pretty close to bein' wet 'n' ready t'stick that thing in his mouth steppin' on a cloud - ya ever rode down a road anananand ya look up and ya see a cloud you know in mah tahm of travelin' you talkin' about listen hey, heh ain't no tellin' where you'll be where you'll see me next week ay now ah'm headed to Iowa headed for just a few hours away that's where ah'm headed to but you know what ah've seen clouds that ah would see that was real purty and the real set out just right, and ah'd say 'you know, that'd be a perfect cloud for Jesus to step out on.'"

Whew. And that wasn't all - he actually went right on with hardly a breath taken, but the rest was all old familiar stuff.

The rich man lifted his eyes, bein' in torment.

And on to the news media lying. He screams that Fox news has never been good - never told the truth. I thought you liked them before they called the election, Gary. He gets back on telling us how he has not made light of the Corona, but . . . (you know the drill).

"Mr. Bahden is not the president of the United States. If he's your president, help yourself, you kin have him, Donald Trump's mahn. HAYMUN! Good preachin' if ah am doin' it amen. But Joe Bahden said that 'This Corona vahris this done me well to git into the White House.'"

Gary, not only would he never say something with that content, his grammar is much better than that.

Gary goes on to Biden-bash and news-bash for a while. He rants about how "they" were lying about food shortages at grocery stores during the pandemic, because he always found food when he went into one.

He screams that people are not going back to work because the news media told them they had to "set insahd" all year, and "That is part of the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ, because listen hey, the devil has go all of this set up, listen hey the devil's real if you don't believe he's real honey, you need t'start readin' in the book of Ginisis what he done to Eve and see what he's been doin' since - throughout the tahms of the Bahble, and now what he's doin' to Ay-merica!! Amen."

Gary says he goes to New York - not New York City, of course, with an aside about how "Como" has destroyed it. He says that may benefit Republicans in upstate NY during the next election. Gary, a political pundit you are not.

And he's on to his fantasy about the Rapture coming on a Sunday, and the neighbors seeing the cars still in the parking lot on Monday, and going into the empty church because now they want God, but it's too late, and they have to go through the "tribblation."

Jesus "is the only way to get to Heaven, listen hey it ain't no Buddha gonna gitchu there, it ain't no Ahl - Ahl - Ahma, but they're in Hell burnin' lahk sausage."

He goes on about the "Spanish" people in Mexico who crawl on their knees to worship Mary, "tearin' their britches up," and makes some lame jokes about how, now, people buy pants with tears already in them at Walmarts.

He has an inspiration, and gets all tangled up trying to get it out, including saying the church is "doin' what Obam -" (he interrupts himself with a "hey listen" - whether he realized he started to say the wrong President's name or is just veering around, I have no idea) and saying out loud that it's "a good illustration, ah'm glad ah come up with this." He says the drunk on the street is doing the same thing he's been doing for years, but the people of God are doin' the same thing Biden was doing "as he was runnin' for tryin' to run for the election to bein' the president - they  was the were hahdin' out, they're hahdin' in their basement."

It's a good illustration of what an idiot you are, Gary, but that's about it.

Gary now tells them that his message was going to be What is the Church Doing for the Cause of Christ?

Not that it matters, Gary.

Gary talks about how they have to get behind their pastor, who, if I understand Garygarble, gave up his paying job recently. Of course, Gary has to tell them how he "gave up everything" for the cause of Christ. But don't feel sorry for him.

OK, Gary, I won't.

"Ah own nothin'! I was just give this vehicle it's in mah wahf's name she's skeered t'let me have anything 'cause she's afraid ah'll run with it amen."

He brags about how he has many homes, even though he doesn't own a house, because everybody invites him to stay for free.

But Gary doesn't want money - he does it for the cause of Christ.

"We're in the last days. We're in per'lis tahms that Timothy told Paul - Paul told Timothy about."

Gary talks about his preacher friend who died recently - his children just got his ashes back. "Ahmanna tellya raht now - ah'd hate to be thinkin' ah was sleepin' somewhere where somebody else's ashes was amen?"

Well, Gary, I hope they never invite you to stay there. Of course, I wish nobody would ever invite you to stay or eat for free. Maybe you'd be forced to stop this nonsense.

Gary's looking forward to fellowshipping with Becky's grandfather, who he never met in this life, in Heaven.

The I Love Lucy joke gets a laugh.

Gary announces Matthew chapter 7, gets ready to read, realizes he's in Daniel, and blames it on the new Bible.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A20-21&version=KJV

Gary, did you need to turn to the page for that? You've actually quoted both verses by memory at least once during this message already. And, he has nothing more to say about them - he goes right on to another verse.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

Ok, folks, a great, memorable Gary moment is coming up. He painted himself into a verbal corner, and couldn't get out. He starts talking about needing to believe with your heart.

"This here's a thing with your heart. Ah laid mah head on mah wahf's uh uh - uh uh - "

He freezes like this:

I assume because he realizes he has no word for that part of the anatomy that he is willing to say in church.

After a while, he just goes on, never having said a noun, with "this mornin' and ah said 'Yer heart's beatin'' and she said 'Well let me know if it quits.'"

"Ah laid mah head on mah wahf's uh uh uh uh this mornin' and ah said 'Yer heart's beatin'" needs to be a line in a country song.

He tells his "sleep apna" story. That's a new pronunciation - usually he says "sleep apnee."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+2%3A8-9&version=KJV

He tells about the "lost" man who got brought to church, who Gary just knew was under conviction because "he squirmed and he wiggled and he looked straight up."

Under conviction? Maybe he was itchy, needed to go to the bathroom, and was rolling his eyes at your idiotic preaching, Gary.

We're all sinners, if you break one commandment you've broken them all, Gary is nobody, etc.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+25%3A41&version=KJV

Hell was created for the devil and his angels, not for us, but Adam and Eve fucked that up (well, OK, that's not his wording).

"Ah've lost some weight, mah wahf's lost some weight now - she did the easy way, she got operated ohn. Ah had to work for mahn."

Gary's still got to exercise - "that's a continuously thang."

He gets on them about going out Godbothering. They're going to take our Bibles away, and you can give Bahden and Harrison his phone number, he don't give a good flip.

Gary wants to see God kick the devil into Hell on Judgment Day.

And he's back to Biden-bashing. He says that Jacob can talk like Joe Biden - I assume he means doing an impression.

More about being saved, and he includes his new bit about being glad his parents didn't "get into church" until after he was born, because he might have gotten a name he couldn't pronounce. He says "There's pee-leg in the Bahble."

We're soon gittin' outta here.

 

 

 

Edited May 13, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Black Aliss]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Mr. Bahden is not the president of the United States. If he's your president, help yourself, you kin have him, Donald Trump's mahn. HAYMUN! Good preachin' if ah am doin' it amen. But Joe Bahden said that 'This Corona vahris this done me well to git into the White House.'"

Gary, I have something for you to wear!

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

@Black Aliss, I usually don't like "I wish this person was dead" humor, but man, I can't help laughing at that, considering Gary's all-consuming desire to be electrocuted and die!

I figure he'd consider it a win-win.

[thoughtful]

Hey, Gary, I think you're missing your member there. Er, that is, the word "member."

Spoiler

 

 

There right? Over there? Where? More to the right?

Spoiler

Looks like Gary is staying, for free, on Reelfoot Lake. Hope he doesn't shoot any ducks or duck hunters.

[Black Aliss]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

@Black Aliss, I usually don't like "I wish this person was dead" humor, but man, I can't help laughing at that, considering Gary's all-consuming desire to be electrocuted and die!

I figure he'd consider it a win-win.

All the old women (they were probably younger than I am now, but they seemed old to me) in my church of origin prayed at ever service for the Lord to call them home, one way or another. And, then, when  the Lord did come knocking, they fought him tooth and nail.

Just up the road from me is one of those little cinderblock churches that seem popular with the various Baptist sects. This one used to be VF, but I don't know how they identify now. For a couple of months now their sign board has advised us "Choose the bread of life or you are toast!", which has only confirmed my fantasy that if GHaw or the Rodriguii ever made it out this way (please, Bast, no) that's the church they'd end up at. I'm not sure if the ratty singlewide next to the church is the parsonage or the prophet's chamber. I can't imagine Gary being satisfied with those accommodations. Although there is room on the site for his big top tent. Rest assured, if either of these clowns show up there, I will be taking one for the tea.

 

Edited May 14, 2021 by Black Aliss

[Xan]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says, "You ain't dealin' with the Pope, and someone applauds loudly as Gary attempts the Pope/hope/fulla dope joke, and gets a laugh. Of course, Gary doesn't hate the Pope, he just hates his religion, and wishes he'd get bornaginsavedbyth'graceo'God.

Gary claims "the Pope has lit'r'lly made fun of Jesus hangin' on the cross."

Gary does his usual shit about "dealing with" Catholics up north, and his version of "could you prove yourself guilty of being saved, in a court of law."

While ranting about how important it is to be saved, he resentfully reminds them that this is not what he had planned for tonight, and he'll even show them his notes if they want, to prove it, but "ah do believe in being obedient to the Holy Spirita God, is that OK?"

Did someone say something before the service that set you off, Gary? Do you suspect someone there of not being saved?

He gets laughs with the joke about attending church not making you saved any more than stepping into a garage makes you a vehicle.

He also get loud assent when he asks if he's making sense. No, people, no!

He does his weird disclaimer about not looking right at them but seeing them anyway, and how he doesn't want to see how they're looking at him.

Really, Gary? This crowd loves you.

............................

"You know these people that play these different kinds of ah don't know whatchu call 'em but they put 'em in their mouth amen? Well that's what the trumpet is listen hey, they have to wet their lips up 'n' git it all ready. Ah believe Jesus' lips are pretty close to bein' wet 'n' ready t'stick that thing in his mouth steppin' on a cloud - ya ever rode down a road anananand ya look up and ya see a cloud you know in mah tahm of travelin' you talkin' about listen hey, heh ain't no tellin' where you'll be where you'll see me next week ay now ah'm headed to Iowa headed for just a few hours away that's where ah'm headed to but you know what ah've seen clouds that ah would see that was real purty and the real set out just right, and ah'd say 'you know, that'd be a perfect cloud for Jesus to step out on.'"

Whew. And that wasn't all - he actually went right on with hardly a breath taken, but the rest was all old familiar stuff.

 

You have a real gift, @thoughtful.  Getting Bro Gary's voice just right isn't easy.  There's got to be a book in there somewhere -- or at least a dramatic, humorous monologue.  I'll admit that it always makes me happy to spot one of your new recaps.

That bit about the Pope making fun of Jesus on the cross?  Gary is a lying liar who lies.  I think good evidence of the existence of an omniscient God would be for Gary to be stuck by lightning.

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, Xan said:

You have a real gift, @thoughtful.  Getting Bro Gary's voice just right isn't easy. 

Thank you, but really, the transcriptions in quotes are really done syllable by syllable. If I could type in International Phonetic Alphabet, and knew everyone here could read it, I'd resort to that - sometimes my only difficulty is that some of the sounds he makes are not easy to convey with the 26 letters of the alphabet.

Sometimes, like 'enry 'iggins, I want to say "Heavens, what a sound!" and "I ask you sir, what sort of word is that?"

Spoiler

 

 

[Ozlsn]

On 5/13/2021 at 7:00 AM, thoughtful said:

Come om out!

  Hide contents

That church is having a revival next month, and it's not with Gary. ?

General Bapist Church. Sounds suspiciously close to... Papist there Gary. Are sure sure the Catholics aren't trying to lure you in and convert you by stealth?

[Xan]

Gary's free associating on Facebook again.  First he posted:

Ain't nobody preaching like Gary think they should preach.

Then he posted this:

What?  Has there been a run on the Godly thousand island?  Is Ranch in short supply?  I'm telling you, people, if there's a shortage of Newman's Own Classic Oil and Vinegar, some heads are gonna roll.

Edited May 14, 2021 by Xan

[thoughtful]

There's no shortage - Gary's just looking for a male, Christian God again. I see Godly dressing all over the place!

12 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

General Bapist Church. Sounds suspiciously close to... Papist there Gary. Are sure sure the Catholics aren't trying to lure you in and convert you by stealth?

  I hadn't even noticed that. Thank you for catching it!

 

[thoughtful]

There are pumps for that?

[thoughtful]

Ah, Gary and his friends - so brave (and by brave I mean ill-informed, defensive and petulant).

Spoiler

 

Upcoming gig:

[Ozlsn]

"I am not for sale"... oh Gary. Maybe if they take up a love offering for you instead?

[thoughtful]

I went browsing about the Facebook pages of some of Gary's commenters - I really shouldn't do that. But, since I did . . .

This guy is a font of false information.

Even if true, this doesn't mean a thing. It's not like AOC, Pelosi, and Biden were doing it. You would have been a Democrat yourself in those days, shit-for-brains:

Spoiler

Then there's this mess.

1. Jerry's urge to

2. number things that

3. don't really need to be numbered

4. is a mystery to me.

Spoiler

Debunked, of course:

https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jan/14/facebook-posts/after-pearl-harbor-japanese-didnt-invade-us-becaus/

Then, some adorable posts of cute animals, songs and sermons I didn't listen to, a heartfelt plea of concern for people suffering from cancer, and the bullshit returns:

Spoiler

This:

 

Spoiler

And this (not offensive politically, but just one of those "see how all must worship" and "see, I'm not a bigot - here's something with a cute Black baby" things that makes me eyeroll):

 

Spoiler

 

[mango_fandango]

When Gary said about “people standing for there right” he probably meant “their rights”. But I’m guessing you knew that @thoughtful. 
And a baby in the NICU was worshipping God? Such wishful thinking. 

[Black Aliss]

On 5/12/2021 at 8:31 PM, thoughtful said:

And he's on to his fantasy about the Rapture coming on a Sunday, and the neighbors seeing the cars still in the parking lot on Monday, and going into the empty church because now they want God, but it's too late, and they have to go through the "tribblation."

Spoiler

I can't be the only one who read "tribblation" and thought of this.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Black Aliss

[Ozlsn]

6 minutes ago, mango_fandango said:

And a baby in the NICU was worshipping God? Such wishful thinking

I have photos of my son in NICU where he's doing the both arms in the air move, doing what looks like baby tai chi, playing air guitar, and flashing the metal sign. Seriously they move their arms (and legs at times) around a lot.

[thoughtful]

5 minutes ago, mango_fandango said:

When Gary said about “people standing for there right” he probably meant “their rights”. But I’m guessing you knew that @thoughtful. 

Oh, yes. I just couldn't resist goofing around with it.

5 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

  Hide contents

I can't be the only one who read "tribblation" and thought of this.

Nope - that's the tradition here on the Bro Gary threads. In fact, we have this:

Spoiler

 

Another of Gary's commenters:

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

These people are scary. And sometimes, just really strange:

Spoiler

 

[Black Aliss]

On 5/13/2021 at 5:19 PM, Xan said:

  I think good evidence of the existence of an omniscient God would be for Gary to be stuck by lightning.

That would almost certainly make a believer out of me.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

That would almost certainly make a believer out of me.

But dying by electricity is what Gary wants. I'd be disappointed.

[thoughtful]

New alert - Gary reports another shortage:

[grandmadugger]

Who does Charles want me to separate from? My jeans? My t-shirts? My husband? 

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, grandmadugger said:

Who does Charles want me to separate from? My jeans? My t-shirts? My husband? 

The way I read it he wants you to separate from your modesty. That sounds right, yes?