Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[Black Aliss]

On 6/15/2021 at 5:41 PM, postscript said:

Speaking of which, $5000 in truck repairs? The man can’t get into a vehicle without damaging it. 

I'm pretty sure the vehicles people give him are ones they cannot sell to anyone, especially not to someone they might run into at the Walmarts or at church. Even if they don't make enough to itemize on their tax returns they can still claim a $300 charitable deduction and they know the vehicle isn't worth even that.

On 6/15/2021 at 10:12 AM, thoughtful said:

 Gary's mishegas in Michigan

Please, can that be a thread title?

[thoughtful]

The 6/6 evening service at Walker Bible Baptist Church in Lansing MI begins with the guitar trio again, playing The Family of God again.

Pastor Garver (aka Brother David) tells them his wife is now the "producer" of their service videos, and milks them for some applause for her, then says "she alright for a white girl, I'm tellin' ya, she's not bad at all."

He says the credits will list him as "extremely handsome pastor."

Gary moans through the prayer, and the pastor announces that Gary will be coming back next June and they will be having a camp meeting under the tent. After some salvation-blather, he reminds them that Gary, the missionary coming to visit next week, and the parsonage project all need money.

But only if God puts it on their hearts.

The teens with the guitars sing a song I couldn't find anywhere, about how they can't wait until Sunday, because church. Then all sing At Calvary. The Hawkinses sing something - I fast forward.

Pastor reminds them of Gary's need for $5000 for his truck before the offering.

After the offering, the pastor tells them to "love on sister," meaning Becky, "livin' on the road's not easy, and she's also outnumbered in the house, so that can't make it to easy either."

Becky says "No. I miss my girls."

Gary comes up, and talks about his plans to come back. He may also see them in November, because he will be coming to Michigan for another church. He says the only thing he doesn't like about coming there in November is that "y'all could have snow," and some wag warns him "No cussin' in church," just in case.

After his thank-yous, Gary announces a verse. It's very short - Proverbs 25:25: As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.

With the help of the Lord, Gary wants to preach There is Good News.

He does several minutes, of course, about how there is no good news from the TV, Facebook, radio, etc. It's from the pulpit - sometimes.

Gary mentions the three heavens - I never heard him talk about that before.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A16&version=KJV

Gary has a comforter, and he tells them about how Brother McFadden is comforted. Some vague Becky-bashing follows.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A8&version=KJV

Jesus loves Gary, and Gary can't figure out why, because he knows he doesn't deserve it.

While talking about all of the things God gave him recently (that actually came from other people, of course), Gary tells us that, yesterday, God let him walk about a mile and a half from where his vehicle was broken down, and walk back with the part he needed.

Yes, the van broke down yet again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A57&version=KJV

Gary's on the winning side. Screaming about this, back and forth, ensues.

"Joe Bahden's a loser." Gary's not talking about the election, he's talking about  not being saved.

He talks about Mrs. McFadden's great death again, and the preacher who fell over dead just after putting his money in the collection plate.

Gary reads Hebrews 13:14 - well, sort of.

KJV: For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come.
BGV: For here we - for here we have continuing cities, but we seek one to come.

Somebody in the congregation beats Gary to the punch, and yells out "I'm looking for that city!" just before Gary starts to say it, so they overlap like a weird mindless-preaching round.

Gary does his Heaven schtick.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+1%3A9&version=KJV

While yammering on about how forgiving God is, Gary tells them that sometimes he messes up and says something backwards or wrong, and Becky and Jacob always point it out to him later. He says "Well, you go up there an' trah it and see how it works out for you."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+5%3A13&version=KJV

Lots of shrieking back and forth about not being able to lose your salvation.  And, of course, the story about the Wesleyan teens who told Gary he could lose it if he died in the middle of a bad dream.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+20%3A10&version=KJV

He stumbles through this, messing up almost every word.

"Out of all the people ah know, ah hate the devil." Gary screams about the devil for a while.

"The blood. The devil hates the word blood."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts++16%3A31&version=KJV

Gary babbles to the end.

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by thoughtful
riffles

[postscript]

1 hour ago, Jasmar said:

Fuck. You.

(eta: not you @thoughtful ?)

Says the former-Christian with decades-long, treatment-resistant depression

(And hey Gar, how about you take your own self back into the pitsa Hell whence you came)

I’ll second that fuck you (aimed at Gary, of course). Depression, anxiety and I are old friends. Prayer is but one of many treatments that doesn’t help. I’m sure if Becky suffered from depression, Gary would just tell her to get over it. 

I’m shocked he’s coming back to Michigan in November. He could very well run into snow. I look forward to hearing him whine about the weather. 

Yet another vehicle repair. Color me not surprised. I agree with @Black Aliss that these donated vehicles are probably all one step away from the junk heap. 

[AmazonGrace]

I found a photo of the Pitsa Hell.

Spoiler

 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

Ok folks sin is only fun for a season.

Bro Gary Hawkins

 

Some sins could certainly spice up your summer.

[thoughtful]

Gary got a chance to preach at a camp meeting on 6/9, at Highland Hills Baptist Church in Highland MI.

The host (pastor of that church? I don't know) sounds like an actor playing a Damon Runyon character in a 1940s film. He introduces Gary by saying "He is from North Carolina, he claims dat I met him five years ago, I don't remember dat, I'm sorry! But he's wid us, he's just gonna give us the worda God, and den we'll be dismissed."

And probably sing The Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game in New York.

Gary introduces himself after announcing the Bible chapter. He "jokes" that he got offended because "the preacher's wahf, she looked at me 'n' she said 'Ah don't keer if you ever come back, long as you send yer wahf amen.'"

Gary announces "2 Corinthians chapter 13, verses 5" (which is his beloved "reptobate" verse), then reads starting in verse 1 instead.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+13%3A1-5&version=KJV

Gary, if you would learn that the word "verses" is plural, you could say "verses 1 through 5," and then everyone would know what you are reading, and you would be using the word correctly - bonus!

Gary tells them his history and testimony. He actually includes something I don't remember hearing before. He says that when he got married and got his own place, he decided he didn't want to go to church any more. His grandmother called and told him she wanted to go to church, but only on Sunday mornings. "Ah said 'Well at least ah only gotta go one tahm a week, that ain't too bad.'"

Gary says he lived near his grandmother, so I guess we are to infer that she needed someone to drive her to church. We don't get any more information than that, as Gary descends into several of his tangled messes of riffs, screaming and bellowing, petulant and judgy.

He also says that, on the day of his salvation, "when ah got done doin' what it was that ah do, before the preacher got up, ah set down an' immediately God started dealin' with mah heart. Ah seen Hell that Gary was goin' an' not somebody else."

He was the preacher's "right hand man," at that point in his life, as he often says, so the fact that he had duties is nothing new. But he has always said the service was long over and the preacher was turning off lights and getting ready to lock the doors, so they could all go out for seafood, when he had his vision of Hell and got his salvation.

While setting up his tadpole line, Gary tells them he got baptized lots of times "on the ocean of North Carolina, not gonna tell ya what state it was 'cause ya might go down there'n' trah to figger it out."

"Butchu know what - mah wahf got saved - when you saved? Huh?"
Becky's answer is inaudible to us.
Gary "Seven years old. Sometime early in the year? Spring? Summer. She's not sure of the date. Nowahwahnna say ah hang around her a lot - I think she's saved 'bout halfway. Ah'm just waitin' for the other half to git in amen? Ah hope she gits it before it's too late."

Gary, leaving aside the stupid joke you make in most of your messages, you claim that salvation is your entire focus in life, you claim to love your wife, and you can't remember what I'm sure she has told you many times?

The rest is basic Garyshit.

The host gets up and gives us some more moments of Nathan Detroit as pastor. No - he's beyond that - it's more like Peter Falk in Pocketful of Miracles. Just imagine that character saying "Jesis died f'your sins. He gabe us dis book." and "Jesis, Jesis, Jesis, sweetest name I know."

Nice soul ya got dere - be a shame if sumtin' happened to it.

Edited June 17, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle - Dave the Dude did it.

[quiversR4hunting]

@thoughtful Oh crap! the summary and picture of the thread of the "nakedness" of swim suits, one of the commenters has my surname. It isn't overly common so the person is related to me in some way. Thankfully not close enough that any of my family (even distant cousins) are friends with the person on fb. That is a little too close!

[Dana723]

3 hours ago, quiversR4hunting said:

@thoughtful Oh crap! the summary and picture of the thread of the "nakedness" of swim suits, one of the commenters has my surname. It isn't overly common so the person is related to me in some way. Thankfully not close enough that any of my family (even distant cousins) are friends with the person on fb. That is a little too close!

On one of Bro Gary's Facebook post pictures that was posted here, I looked closely and realized a name of a commenter was familiar.  Looked even closer and realized, yep, that's his Facebook profile pic.  I live in a small town and commenter is a known crazy person.  Small world sometimes.

[thoughtful]

The morning video from Northfield Baptist Church in Northfield NJ, on 6/13, starts with some backstage, bootleg-tape feel. We see all kinds of angles and hear chat and whistling as the camera is set up, then see the pastor. He tells Gary, "So, if you and your wife can share your salvation testimonies and how the Lord brought you together, and then your call to evangelism, that'll be great. We. . . our ladies, especially, like to hear the female, uh . . . female testimony."

Spoiler

This guy seems like the type who fancies himself the hip young pastor who can talk to kids and charm the ladies. 

They sing Victory in Jesus, then the pastor calls on Gary to say a prayer. I find out that Gary can't pray aloud and moan at his own prayer at the same time.

They sing A New Name in Jesus, and the pastor calls for people to tell what they are thankful for about being saved in between verses. He gets some answers from women and kids, including a child who says he is thankful that school is over, which the pastor repeats as being thankful for God's help completing his schoolwork.

?

A voice we can barely hear, that sounds like a very young child, says something. An adult says that the child is saying she's grateful that Jesus died on the cross for her. The pastor says "Our prayer for faith in all the young ones that we've had is that before they're saved, that they get saved at an early age. She doesn't even know all that she's sayin', but she . . . that's a good indication that when she comes to that age that she ______(drowned out by Gary's amens)  make that decision."

Pastor, if you really think it's great that a child too young to understand what she's saying is parroting something about Jesus dying on the cross, screw you. If you don't, a polite "amen" or "thank you, ________ (child's name) will do.

A woman talks about someone she knows whose father suddenly dropped dead while walking to the store, and how important it is to be saved. I hope Gary doesn't add this to his usual stories about such things. We can only hear her, but her accent makes it clear that she is not from the US -  I can't quite place it, but can imagine Gary, in future messages, yammering about "that black lady from  . . . where was she from, Becky?"
Becky: "New Jersey?"

Another woman says she feels like she's known the Hawkinses forever, even though it's just been hours, and that's because of Jesus.

This church has an official reading of the day! I may faint! They read antiphonally.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm+99%3A1-9&version=KJV

The pastor stumbles through announcements and introducing Gary (and Becky, who, he makes it clear again, he expects to testify). They take the offering, and sing In the Sweet Bye and Bye, then the children of the congregation sing a song called So Little Time. The pastor says they are being dismissed, but I still hear lots of children's voices for a while.

Gary comes up and talks about his history of "playin' religion," getting saved - you know it all. He does tell some dates when things happened, and he does tell them about meeting Becky (she came from West Virginia, "got right with God" and came to North Carolina, he went to a church she was at, they met, and "that's the end of the story amen"), but not when.

Becky actually comes up to the front to testify. She says she was saved at about six or seven. She heard the Lord calling her during a service, and her sins were that she'd "stolen" cookies, and some cinnamon candies that her grandmother kept around. That convicted her that she was going to Hell, and she told her father she had to get saved. Then she grew up, went to college, moved south, and met her husband.

By which she means Gary. So she left out a few years, a career, some children, another husband . . . but, hey - it's under the blood, I guess.

She tells a story about the time when Gary was praying (I think about whether or not to go on the road, but before he told her - it's unclear). He'd gone somewhere to pick up one of the kids, and backed one of their vehicles up into the other one. She told him "I don't know what the Lord's tryin' to tell you to do, but whatever it is, you better do it before you wreck something else."

Spoiler

She tells a story of God proving himself through toilet paper. I kid you not. When times were tough, and they weren't getting any meetings, they were down to their last four rolls of paper in the motor home. She told God "OK, Lord, I'm trustin' you."

"And I was in the bathroom, and I was puttin' the last roll on, and I'm like 'Lord, y'know what our bank account is, and you know I trust you,' I says, 'an' I know I don't have to remind you, but Lord, this is my last roll.' And one of the girls ran in, says 'Mama Mama get out of the bathroom, come quick!' An' I'm like 'I'm usin' the bathroom!'"

"And, um a lady that um, knew nothing about my toilet paper, knew nothing about our needs at the time, um, came up to church - we were at our home church - and she says 'You know, I just wanted to be a blessing, God told me to be a blessing to you all,' and she says 'And I hope I don't offend you, but I put some toilet paper in there for you.' So, I mean, I was just startin' to cry, because God knew my need and he met it."

Becky goes to the piano, sings Preach On, then Gary comes up to preach.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+11%3A1-20&version=KJV

KJV: And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may believe; nevertheless let us go unto him.
Bro Gary Version: And ah am glad for your sake that I was not there to the intent ye may believe nevertheless let us go unto him whah ahtellya raht now when Jesus said some of these things he hurts people's feelin's but y'd haveta understand amen?"

KJV: Now Bethany was nigh unto Jerusalem, about fifteen furlongs off
BGV: Now Bethany was nah unto Jerusalem, about fifteen furloughs off

KJV: And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother.
BGV: And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary, to confirm them concerning their brother.

Gary wants to preach on When Jesus Passed Bah. He gets right on up to swaggering and yelling mode.

He tells his salvation story, and now he says that God started workin' on his heart (and dealin' with his heart, and convictin' his heart) when the preacher came up, but he didn't get the vision of Hell until after church, when everybody was gone and they "was fixin' to go eat some good seafood amen 'n' everything."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Samuel+16%3A12-13&version=KJV

KJV:  And he sent, and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to.
BGV:  And he sent, and brought him. In. Now he was a roody, and a withdraw  of a - and withdraw a beautiful countenance, and goodly - and goodly - good to look to.

KJV: So Samuel rose up, and went to Ramah.
BGV: So Samuel rose up, and went to Raymeean.

"When Jesus passes bah, he'll make a soldier outta ya."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+32%3A8&version=KJV

"When Jesus passes bah, he'll give you some direction."

Gary says he just went to a camp meeting and jokes that they went because Becky gets tired of hearing him preach and needs to hear someone else. Her "amen" must have been a bit too clear, because he says "You're in trouble," and that he hopes there is another bedroom somewhere where they're staying because he's not giving up the king-size bed.

Hahahaha. ?

This is not much of a yelling congregation, and Gary keeps asking "Is everybody alraht?" He mumbles his "Ah may have to pack mah bags" crap.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+29%3A18&version=KJV

Get behind your preacher, whatever he wants.

Gary does his incredibly racist shit about how not racist he is - all lives matter, he doesn't have to go to Africa to find someone from Africa, or Mexico to find someone from Mexico, all of the different nationalities in Chicago - you know it all.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+7%3A24-25&version=KJV

Gary tries to do his shtick about being on a solid rock, but he's really floundering due to their lack of response.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+8%3A35&version=KJV

He stumbles through it. When Jesus passes by, you get in your right mind. He tries to get them revved up, but gets only quiet answers, and says "let me move on" after only a few minutes.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+9%3A8&version=KJV

When Jesus passes by, you get your sight. Gary talks about his bad eyesight, and his good sight of Jesus, very briefly. I think he's had it with this crowd.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+2%3A1-6&version=KJV

He stumbles through it. When Jesus passes by, you get life.

He gets a bit of his usual fire back, and gets some responses. The rest is all predictable - rich man in torment, you better make sure you're saved, eternity is a long time.

 

[Ozlsn]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

So, I mean, I was just startin' to cry, because God knew my need and he met it."

To me that honestly sounds like Becky was incredibly financially stressed, and the utter relief of not needing to buy toilet paper undid her. I hope she thanked the lady too.

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Then she grew up, went to college, moved south, and met her husband.

By which she means Gary. So she left out a few years, a career, some children, another husband . . . but, hey - it's under the blood, I guess.

It amazes me how much these two rewrite their own history and don't see it as... less than honest.

[AmazonGrace]

Spoiler

Ok folks what is on my mind. All y'all fb people out there blaming the government for the for the problem we have. Sorry to inform you it's the people of GOD that has let things get where we are. Now I know all hadn't but lot's have. These things must come to passed for the LORD to come back. You don't have to agree you do have the right to be wrong.

Bro Gary Hawkins

1 Stop Praying

2 given our Freedoms away

3 quit going to Church.

4 voted for socialism.

5 all you can do is gripe.

6 being lazy

7 quit tell folks the LORD JESUS came to Save.

8 believe the media over GOD

9 Watch to much TV.

10 Disobeying the LORD.

I don't understand why Gary is unhappy... it sounds like I'm doing all I can to help the LORD come back.

[Xan]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

  Hide contents

Ok folks what is on my mind. All y'all fb people out there blaming the government for the for the problem we have. Sorry to inform you it's the people of GOD that has let things get where we are. Now I know all hadn't but lot's have. These things must come to passed for the LORD to come back. You don't have to agree you do have the right to be wrong.

Bro Gary Hawkins

1 Stop Praying

2 given our Freedoms away

3 quit going to Church.

4 voted for socialism.

5 all you can do is gripe.

6 being lazy

7 quit tell folks the LORD JESUS came to Save.

8 believe the media over GOD

9 Watch to much TV.

10 Disobeying the LORD.

I don't understand why Gary is unhappy... it sounds like I'm doing all I can to help the LORD come back.

Yeah.  Gary's gotten confused again.  I'm glad to see that "being lazy" will get the LORD to come back sooner.  That's right in my wheelhouse.  

The irony of Gary constantly being wrong and judgmental about everybody else and then claiming that anyone who disagrees has "the right to be wrong" is pretty stunning.

[thoughtful]

The evening video from Northfield Baptist Church in Northfield NJ, on 6/13, starts with congregational singing, led by hip Pastor Jeremy Rice and his guitar. Someone else is asked to pray, so Gary gets to moan.

Pastor asks Gary to do some actual non-preaching duties - leading songs, asking for testimonies - while he checks the livestream, and Gary complies!

Of course, he also immediately screws up - he announces Amazing Grace and gives them the wrong number in the book because he has the wrong book, so there is some back-and-forth about that. After singing, Gary tells them how that is his favorite song. Then he announces At Cavalry, they sing, and he asks for testimonies.

There is silence at first, and he says (granted, more cheerfully than petulantly, but still): "C'mohn now - you mean the Lord ain't been good to to you?" Then he teases a woman about how, if they asked for her testimony, they'd be there until midnight, and says he likes "hearin' when God does it." I think "it," in this case, is inspiring testimony.

Jacob must have raised his hand or stood up. Gary calls on him, and Jacob says "I want to thank the Lord for giving me good Christian friends."

Gary's answer is under the spoiler, in case anyone wants to guess at Gary's grateful response to his child testifying his gratitude to God in front of a bunch of strangers (which I think he's only done once before, if that), for friends (something that is very difficult for him to have due to his father's yanking him all over the country), as well as helping his father keep the service going by breaking the ice when nobody has testified yet.

Spoiler

Gary, that nasty fucking excuse for a parent says, "Where they at?" Pause. "Welllll, we'll think about that." Then a mumble and gesture that seem to indicate that he's just teasing, then (I don't know to whom this is directed) "How much did he pay ya?" Then he lets out a great big laugh.

A man in the congregation takes the "he" to mean Jesus (or is just sensitive enough to want to save Jacob from further humiliation) and yells out "Well, ya say one thing, He paid it all." Amens, and "at Calvary!" ensue.

The man goes on to talk about giving a testimony to some people, and Gary, instead of listening, quietly says "Jacob" and points. A water bottle comes flying through the air to him.

Gary, you are a heartless shit.

A woman testifies her gratitude for the Hawkinses and the family that is coming to serve for vacation Bible school - she thinks the Lord has "something very specific" going on.

Gary says he knows the family that is coming (I wonder if it's the Bryants) - he called them. "ah had to mess with 'em, 'n' ah said 'Now, the church has voted to have a fasting Bahble school.'"

Oh, Gary, you're such a card. ?

Pastor comes up again, and talks about the bulletin, the offerings, the plans for expanding the church, and how they are supposed to go to all the nations to evangelize, but, conveniently, people from all of the nations have come here to the US, as Gary pointed out.

He also mentions that it is the Bryants who are coming to help with VBS.

Offering, then they sing Joy Unspeakable. The singing is pretty unspeakable.

Then the pastor asks for more testimonies. When nobody says anything, he asks someone how their recent soul-winning went. Then he asks how the ladies' meeting went, then how the men's meeting went (seems it was a golf game, unless they are just joking and referring to a non-church-related golf game as "the men's meeting" - hard to tell with these guys).

This fellow won't take "there are no testimonies at the moment" for an answer.

Then it is Gary's turn. I shall return.

 

[Dana723]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

A water bottle comes flying through the air to him.

And unfortunately fails to nail him in the temple.  Get better aim, Jacob!

[thoughtful]

Continuing last Sunday's evening service, the Hawkinses sing, then Gary comes up to preach. He says his thank-yous, since this is the last service there. He tries to joke about how good the food was, and ends up being insulting.

Speaking of insulting, he also says "Mah wahf cain't say ah didn't take her to the ocean whahl ah was here, amen."

Gary, repeat after me: We were glad to be so near the ocean, because I love seeing the joy my wife and son get when they walk on the shore and look at God's glorious creation. It's their happy place, and it makes me so joyous to see them . . . oh, never mind.

Gary is pissy about bad churches, and pushes them to support their pastor in his projects, and teases a woman who he'd noticed wasn't there a minute earlier about being missing when she walks in. Gary, she was probably on the toilet.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+12%3A12-24&version=KJV

Among his many stumbles and errors:

KJV: If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?
Bro Gary Version: If the foot shall say, Because I am not of the body - I am not - I am not of the bo - 'cause I am not of the hand, I am not of the body. It is therefore not of the body and if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; it is therefore not of the body.

KJV: And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.
BGV: And those members of the body, which since - which think to be. Less. Honourable. Unto these we bestow more abundance honours and uncomenly parts have many abundance comeliness.

KJV: For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked.
BGV: For our bah - for our comely parts have no need but God hath tempted the body together, having given more abundance honour unto that part which lacketh.

Instead of launching into his message, Gary reminds them about their prayer cards, says they will have to leave early in the morning, and makes stupid jokes about Becky not only needing to wake him up, but to get him out from under the bed because he's afraid of her.

Becky reminds him to mention "the lady where we're goin' to." It sounds like this woman was in the hospital, because Gary says she's on her way home. He was talking to her to find out if there was anything she wanted "out of this food pantry" (? where they are? Hope someone actually offered, Gary, and you're not just taking things).

"She was talkin' good, so ah'm hopin' they got her screws tightened back up amen, they won't be loose again, amen. But here we have the church . . . "

And, with that smooth segue, he's back to his message; What Church Jesus Would Be a Member Of.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mathew+18%3A18-20&version=KJV

The usual bashing of other religions and bad jokes.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+1%3A38&version=KJV

He screws up most of this short verse.

Jesus will be a member of your church if you go out soul-winning.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A2&version=KJV

Gary leaves out exhort. Jesus would join a church that preaches thegospelofthedeathburialandresurrectionofthelordjesus.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+2%3A2&version=KJV

He manages to read this wrong. He does his bit about working together, not being "jallous," etc. He yells at them about staying behind the pastor and his building project, and warns them against the devil ruining it.

Gary attended the church's meeting between the services, and I think he's pissed off about something someone said about this building project. Gary, it's none of your fucking business - you are not contributing anything to their building fund, and you are leaving in the morning.

He's floundering and upset at the lack of response again, and mumbles about needing to pack and go, keeps saying "Lemme give ya this and I'll be done," and even asks "How many mad at me?"

I don't think they're angry, Gary - just bored and maybe a bit confused.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+2%3A9&version=KJV

Jesus will join your church if you are peculiar.

"Now ah know someaya women ya like Walmarts. Mah wahf does. Ah hate that place. If they went outta business tomorra it wouldn't  - ah wouldn't crah. Mah wahf would prob'ly crah for the rest of her lahf."

His reason for bringing this up? He says (of the saved) we have to go shopping, we have to go to work, but we are to be different.

Gary's going to talk about Jesus everywhere he goes, to everyone.

As he draws to a close, Gary reminds them how Jesus always blesses him with food and shelter and clothes, and he's sure He has blessed them, too.

Hint, hint.

Edited June 19, 2021 by thoughtful
clarity

[Ozlsn]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Then the pastor asks for more testimonies. When nobody says anything, he asks someone how their recent soul-winning went.

This guy cannot read a room. They've done the testimony part, move on already.

40 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary attended the church's meeting between the services, and I think he's pissed off about something someone said about this building project. Gary, it's none of your fucking business - you are not contributing anything to their building fund, and you are leaving in the morning.

Wonder if someone mentioned prioritising building payments over, say, hosting visiting preachers. I would...

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Wonder if someone mentioned prioritising building payments over, say, hosting visiting preachers. I would...

Gary was pushing them to give to the building project, though, and support their "pasture" in all that he wants.

I think he was disgusted with someone who questioned some aspect of the project. He said he spoke up in that meeting, and probably shouldn't have. That would have shown a glimmer of knowledge about what is and isn't appropriate for a visitor, except that he was bringing it up again in his message. ?

I think Gary is like some of the narcissistic people I've dealt with before, who are (or think they are) doing good works. They're not Gordon Gekko greedy, working in finance and clearly always looking for an opportunity to profit. Money, and what it can buy, is not always the goal.

They get a lot of their jollies from being The Clarion Call to others, to do whatever they have decided is (or looks) noble. They get to appear giving, unselfish, and the keeper of the moral high ground, to themselves (because I think it's unconscious and their version of sincere) and others.

And I think that beats money, in the moment, for them.

If it was someone else, I might think it was a long-term plan, playing politics, seeing that kissing up to the pastor will be more profitable in the long run. But I don't think Gary is smart enough for that.

[AmazonGrace]

Food blogging with Gary: is your cup half empty or dirty?

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

They get a lot of their jollies from being The Clarion Call to others, to do whatever they have decided is (or looks) noble. They get to appear giving, unselfish, and the keeper of the moral high ground, to themselves (because I think it's unconscious and their version of sincere) and others.

And I think that beats money, in the moment, for them.

I agree.  I think Gary believes that God has sent him out as a modern day apostle and everything that falls out of his mouth is something that he thinks God has put into his head.  If the congregation isn't enthusiastic enough, he gets pissed because they are not receiving God's gift of Gary's sermon in the appropriate manner.  And, since he IS God's gift, he has an opinion about how every church should be run and people should just listen to him, dammit.  

He might have started out just playing at preaching because that's how his father taught him to grift but now he believes that he was chosen.  I think that's why he's getting more mean and petty about Becky and Caleb.  They still dare to tease him and correct him.  They don't understand that he is practically God's right hand man here in the USA.  

He's only going to get worse.

[Jasmar]

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He's floundering and upset at the lack of response again, and mumbles about needing to pack and go, keeps saying "Lemme give ya this and I'll be done," and even asks "How many mad at me?"

I don't think they're angry, Gary - just bored and maybe a bit confused

Lack of response is the best defense against Gary. Argue with him? He lives for it. Holler HAYMUN! at his non-sequiturs? Feeds the beast. But ignore him and he just implodes. I love it.

[Ozlsn]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

think he was disgusted with someone who questioned some aspect of the project.

I... am in favour of things being justified and spending plans being fully agreed to. Buildings are not cheap, and fixing stuff that was poorly planned, or being in debt for things that weren't required is not helpful either.

And yes, Gary should STFU and probably not be at that meeting to start with.

7 hours ago, Xan said:

He might have started out just playing at preaching because that's how his father taught him to grift but now he believes that he was chosen.  I think that's why he's getting more mean and petty about Becky and Caleb.  They still dare to tease him and correct him.  They don't understand that he is practically God's right hand man here in the USA.  

Unfortunately I think you're right - he has a minimal ability to laugh at himself, and he takes his "work" far too seriously. 

I hope Jacob's aim improves.

[thoughtful]

Gary preached at the Wednesday (edit - Thursday) night service at Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Oriskany Falls NY on 6/17.

When the pastor asks for prayer requests, Gary asks prayers for Miss Karen, Henry's wife (I think this must be the violinist pastor's wife, and the person Gary was referring to as needing her "screws tightened"). Becky says she had a metal plate removed, and Gary continues:

"Six years ago she had bleedin' in the brain, they put a plate there, but it done no better, so they took the plate away 'n' she's - she's  a tee-totally different person even in four-fahve days."

More prayers, including a long story from a woman who sounds like she told her children she was ashamed that she called on her actual father for some help instead of God, and lots of people listed by the pastor as needing prayer, for recovery from both illnesses and sins.

After singing and offering (I fast-forwarded), Gary hustles his bustle to the front. He says the Lord gave him something from Esther - this is new. He almost forgets to introduce himself, but remembers as he is about to read, and tells them about his burden for America and his wonderful tent.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=esther+4%3A1-17&version=KJV

Gary pronounces the name Hahtakh as "Hay-tatch," of course. He makes lots of other errors just trying to read English, adding words, reversing things, making things up.

Did you know that sceptre and sepulchre are pronounced the same - yep, "SEPticker."

During the following message, Gary does his bit about not having time to finish the message, the clock didn't start moving until he got up to preach, "ah better hurry up," etc. Gary, if you didn't say all of that shit over and over, you'd have more time.

Gary sees present-day America in the story of ancient Shushan. People who want to do something for God are "far and few between."

The reading may be new, but he launches right into old familiar bullshit - America founded on Christian rights, USA in the middle of the word Jerusalem, Joe Bahden is not his president because "you do not call a loser a winner," but Bahden and "these government states that're Democrat that hate God and tryin'a close churches down"  are not the real problem. The problem is the churches.

Gary re-reads verse 3.

KJV: And in every province, whithersoever the king's commandment and his decree came, there was great mourning among the Jews, and fasting, and weeping, and wailing; and many lay in sackcloth and ashes.
BGV: And in every provenance, whethersoever the king commanded and he degree - and his degree came there. And was great mournin' among the Jews, and fasting, and weeping, and wailing; and many lay in sackcloth and ashes.

"Y'know what ah see here in verses 3 and ah don't see in churches anymore? And that is people weeping."

I guess Gary wants his emotional peak experience every time he is in church - he goes on for a while with crap you've all heard before about praying for everything and everyone.

Gary rants about "'lectronics," and tells them how his cell phone just sends him things "he never punched in" and Google suddenly starting to talk to him from the phone in his shirt pocket. "The devil is no doubt in them things."

Spoiler

"Mah boy's got a cell phone." Jacob must have been looking down instead of staring raptly at his father, because Gary says, some what snappishly "Hey, look at me, son!" Then, jovially, "We ain't prayin' now, amen. You'n make notes later, amen."

Ah, that "fun, harmless teasing" again.

They monitor everything Jacob looks at, because the devil and the TV and dope addicts want our children.

Gary reads the beginning of verse 3 again, with the same errors, stopping at "and fasting." He asks them "When's the last time you fasted for ______?" (he repeats it with various people and things for which he thinks they need to be fasting).

In the middle of talking about fasting, he veers into his "ah have not once made light of the Covid-19 or whateveryawannacallit" routine.

He reviews "verses 8."

KJV: Also he gave him the copy of the writing of the decree that was given at Shushan to destroy them
BGV: And also he came - also he came - he  gave him the copy of the writing of the degree that was given at Shushayn to destroy them

Another thing Gary sees here is leadership.

After some garbled crap about leadership, Gary (who, let's not forget, detests gossip!) starts telling them about the meeting in the church in New Jersey. He says he hates meetings, "especially what ah seen, setting there, Sunday afternoon. Ah didn't lahk it, ah told mah wah, you better pray for me, cause ah gotta preach agin tonaht, and ah don't wanna say anything that ah shouldn't say, amen?"

And he tells them that, if their pastor tells them they needed a bigger building, they should get behind him.

He rereads "verses 14," and says he sees there that "we gonna need some strength, workin' with the Lord, for the Lord's honor."

"You look what's goin' ohn in our military. What they're tryin' t'do is, is turn a bunch of people - well, they tryin't' git rid of the stronghold an' put a bunch of sissies in it."

Gary says we've won wars because we had some people who could make it through boot camp. Gary, you couldn't keep up with the people you think are "sissies" for five minutes.

He rereads "verses 16."

KJV: Go, gather together all the Jews that are present in Shushan, and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise
BGV: Go together - go gather together all the Jews that are presented in the Shushan, and fast for ye - fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, or night - three days, night nor day: I also and my maidens will fasted likewise

In this, Gary sees someone who's standing. And he's instantly off onto Shadrach, etc., being asked if they're going to "act like the World, and dress like the World, and spit like the World."

And Joshua said "As for me and mah house, we will serve the Lord." And God took the cat-o-nine-tails and hung on the cross.  And Gary gets some of the stupidest phone calls there ever was.

What? You don't see the connection?

Gary said they were trying to sell him life insurance, and he told them he doesn't need it because he has Jesus. Except, of course, that he actually doesn't need it because he already has life insurance.

So, Gary, you don't like people pestering you, unbidden, about something you don't think you need? Isn't it obnoxious? What am I thinking - he'd never get it. Because he thinks what he has is "issintial."

"Ah'm plannin' ohn standin'. It's gon' get rough, amen? It's gon' get tough, listen hey, huh, aha, Brother Henry said 'When's this stuff ever gon' get over with?' Ah said, 'The covid's prob'ly slidin' its way out the door,' ah said, 'But remimber, we got Democrats in the - uh -  in the office, and there's somethin' else comin' raht after this.' This is jus' - hey, listen hey - the covid came to pass, then the next. They're not done, amen. Not 'til they destroy America."

And he tells them to memorize the Bible, because "they done took Dr. Seuss, yer King James Bahble's next."

He rereads "verses 17."

In this, Gary sees how we need to set examples. Funny, from that verse, I would have gotten something like "when a woman is right, a man should do what she wants," but I guess Gary didn't see it.

Becky has to say "Foxe's Book of Martyrs" for Gary, so he can describe some tortures and scream at them about fighting for their rights.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=esther+5%3A1-2&version=KJV

KJV: Now it came to pass on the third day, that Esther put on her royal apparel, and stood in the inner court of the king's house, over against the king's house: and the king sat upon his royal throne in the royal house, over against the gate of the house.And it was so, when the king saw Esther the queen standing in the court, that she obtained favour in his sight:

BGV: Now it came to pass on the third day, that Esther put on her royal apparel. One o' these days ah'm puttin' ohn mah royal robe amen. And stood in the inner courts and of the king's house, over aginst the king's house: and the king set upon his royal throne in the royal house, over aginst the gates of the house. And it was so, when the king saw Esther the queen standing in the courts, that she obtained favour in his sight:

"Ahwahhna say this 'n' ah'm done - we need to be - we need to have favor with the Lord Jesus Christ."

But he's not done - he goes on for a few more minutes, blabbing as usual about not quitting, the high price of gas, how the little bit of money in his pocket belongs to God (hint hint), how he's not going to take a chance trying to pronounce the name of their town.

Just the same old megillah. ?

Edited June 20, 2021 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

Gary, being Gary, is petulant and cranky about Father's Day:

Spoiler

But he does honor his father. I hope you're not trying to pass that off as a picture taken today, Gary - you are in upstate New York, many miles from your father:

Spoiler

 

[Black Aliss]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Did you know that sceptre and sepulchre are pronounced the same - yep, "SEPticker."

Gary, thank you for reminding me that I need to get the septic-ker out here to pump my tank and inspect my drainfield.

So here's what I don't understand. Although it's been decades since I last darkened the door of a church, I was raised fundie, I've been to more revivals and camp meetings and in-church services than I care to remember,  and in my experience the preachers had a common format: they chose a passage from the bible, they read it out loud, and then they preached about the lesson in that passage and how it applied to our lives. Perhaps I"ve tuned that part out because it's so obvious as to not be entertaining, but I never get the sense that Gary's sermons have anything to do with his scripture reading.

I do get the sense that he has no comprehension of said scripture, so maybe it's enough for these congregations, members of which also have no comprehension of KJV english, to just hear some scripture and then a segue into a Trumpian rant. For those who are not so far removed from fundie-ism, is this how they do these days?

23 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Unfortunately I think you're right - he has a minimal ability to laugh at himself, and he takes his "work" far too seriously. 

Hmmm. That reminds me of someone, trying to think of who, orange dude, narcissist extraordinaire . . .one-term president.

Edited June 20, 2021 by Black Aliss

[Xan]

1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

So here's what I don't understand. Although it's been decades since I last darkened the door of a church I was raised fundie, I've been to more revivals and camp meetings and in-church services than I care to remember,  and in my experience the preachers had a common format: they chose a passage from the bible, they read it out loud, and then they preached about the lesson in that passage and how it applied to our lives. Perhaps I"ve tuned that part out because it's so obvious as to not be entertaining, but I never get the sense that Gary's sermons have anything to do with his scripture reading.

I do get the sense that he has no comprehension of said scripture, so maybe it's enough for these congregations, members of which also have no comprehension of KJV english, to just hear some scripture and then a segue into a Trumpian rant. For those who are not so far removed from fundie-ism, is this how they do these days?

I think it's more common in these fundamentalist churches.  We were fundie-lite when I was a kid and the preacher would read from the Bible and then spend the whole sermon talking about that passage or parable or whatever.  Listening to Gary (and David Rod and the Rod church pastor and the Nurthan church pastor), the new way seems to be read a verse, talk for a while, read another verse, talk more, etc., etc., ad nauseum.  They're "Bible believing" churches and they want you to have a lot of verses thrown at you while you're there.  To be fair, Gary is the worst of this lot.

It's one of the reasons that I have trouble listening to the fundie preachers.  Their sermons are not interesting or enlightening.  It's work just to listen to them.