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Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti


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4 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Perhaps I"ve tuned that part out because it's so obvious as to not be entertaining, but I never get the sense that Gary's sermons have anything to do with his scripture reading.

I don't know if you've been listening to him yourself, or just reading from my recaps, but I do feature the weirdest, funniest, nastiest and most inappropriate things he says. So you might get a skewed idea of what he talks about.

There is lots of preachy stuff in between the politics and gossip. I've just stopped writing out most of it, because it is almost always the same.

You are spot on about Gary's not really understanding or using the passages he reads. The thing that Gary seems to do is take whatever scripture he's been reading and make it fit (or pretends it fits) the riffs and rants he always wants to do.

Gary was at Calvary - everybody sing - At Callll-vo-ry! - oh, sorry - Calvary Baptist church in Frankfort NY - violinist pastor Henry Kicinski's church - this morning.

As the video starts, they are hearing testimonies, and someone is thanking God, with a story that is hard to hear, but sounds like it describes someone's health crisis in gory detail. I'm pretty sure the next voice is Jacob - he thanks God that his grandmother didn't "get hurt too bad" when she fell down, and that Daniel didn't get hurt in the wreck.

If, in fact that was Jacob, I wonder if we will hear about either of those events from Gary. It sounds like Daniel, in this case (based on something Gary says later in the message) is a relative of Brother Henry - a son, perhaps?

They sing some hymns, with Pastor Henry at the piano or on the violin. The Hawkinses sing, ending with Becky singing Preach On, then Gary comes up to preach.

After his usual segue about America and the whole world need preaching, Gary says "Happy Father's Day to all the fathersss, and thank God for all the mothers that didn't abort the babies amen. You say 'You gotta be negative everything you say.' You better believe it amen. They say ah'm that way an' ah'm gonna be that way. "

While rambling about his upbringing in church and what fathers should do, Gary knocks some stuff on the floor.

Spoiler

image.png.18957f98e00d6c7c706cd54c0e31cc0f.png

But he gets right back to how there's never enough church, and the government's trying to take it all away from us, and he hasn't missed a service since the pandemic started, and "ah'd better hurry up an' read the scripture before ah say somethin' mean."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+5%3A1-5&version=KJV

KJV:  And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years
BGV:   And Abram - and the the days of Abram - Abram -
Becky: Adam.
Gary: Mah goodness. And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years

As he has before, Gary tells us that God told Adam and Eve to multiply the earth.

Gary's theme is A Godly Father. Right away he is defensive about his choice of Adam. "Now you say 'You used Adam as a Godly father?' Well, in the beginnin' Adam was created in the image of God, is that not what it says?"
Becky: "Yes."
Gary: "And uh we unnerstand listen hey, he raised Cain, he raised Abel, he raised Seth, 'n' you know it seems that the two that he raised there - the - two of 'em raised up pretty good. Ah got seven children altogether an' ah'm not sure how many's good 'n' how many's bad amen."

I guess Gary doesn't know the expression "to raise Cain."

"Ah don't have favorites - amen? Anybody 'at has favorites is not raht w'God 'n' you know ah was even gonna use this mornin' got thinkin' about Ah - was it Ah - no, Jacob - Jacob had - he had a favorite child, now Ahwahnnasaysomthin' to ya, ah unnerstand that when there's somebody - a child does more than the others, maybe you should maybe sorta reward 'em more, but to have favorite children, ah'm not sure we could be fahnd that in the Bahble, amen amen amen. But hey - a Godly father."

He gets into a garbled mess about a Godly man having a Godly wife and how long it's going to take him to give his message and when he has to be done, and I don't have the patience to even try to type it out.

"A Godly father - what would a Godly father - ah've already said in the part a Godly father - listen, hey - children are inheritage."

He mentions a preacher who wished a Happy Father's Day to others on Facebook, but said that God never saw fit to give him and his wife any children. But no worries - all questions will be answered when we see Jesus.

"But look in verses - chapter - uh, verse 24 of chapter uh - fahve ah think ah better go home an' go back to bed amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+5%3A24&version=KJV

Fathers should walk with God, like Enoch.

Gary screams on about how he's not claiming to be a perfect father, and probably some of his children are not in church this morning. He throws in that he whupped them because he liked it.

He yells about how his children went to _____________ (he lists all of the services, visitation, etc.).

Another irony meter bites the dust when, after a lengthy scream about how he doesn't care if his children like him on this side, and how he'd rather have enemies, and his enemies get right with God, than have enemies at Judgment Day, Gary asks "Does that make sense? Amen?" And when there is very little response, grumbles "Praise the Lord, at least Leroy likes me anyway, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+7%3A13-14&version=KJV

Gary thinks this means Noah got his family into church.

He screams some more, than comments again on nobody liking him but Leroy.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+22%3A9-11&version=KJV

A Godly father would give his children over to God.

Gary says that "all of the children that we have are out of the house at this tahm - we only got one left."

First of all, Gary, what house? Secondly, you know you are making it sound like they are all grown except for Jacob, and that's a lie.

He almost lets something slip, though. He says "Y'know here's the thing, listen, uhuh and Becky said she has, an' uh, so all seven of our children, at one tahm, have been dedicated to do - to the Lord."

Gary, you can say that Becky dedicated four of them before you ever met, and that you've both been married twice. It's all under the blood, after all.

He yells on about trying his best to raise his children right, doin' fun things with 'em, and gets back to needing to let go and let God have them.

Gary would like to see his children do something for God. He tells us that Becky has asked "If everybody's in the Lord's work, who's gonna pay for it?"

He starts talking about individual children by name, which is unusual for him. He talks about how Carly once said she wanted to be in a prison ministry, "And now she has no desire to be in any - she don't have desire to be in church. Michaela even said one tahm 'n' now she's fahnally ah think they're goin' backta church a little bit, still a little bit concerned about 'er, but, hey, if they git to church, if they'r goin' to a good enough church, hopefully God'll git a holta their heart amen?"

"An' ah could go ohn 'n' ohn 'n' namin' all the different children of the things that they were gonna  plannin' on doin' what they wanted to do for God, but then all of a sudden God changes His mahnd. Ah'mgonnatellya raht now, you kin blame God on a lotta things, you kin blame the devil on a lotta things, But ah'mgonnatellya raht now, Eve could - Eve did blame the devil. And the devil did decieve Eve, but ah'mgonnatellya somethin', it was Eve that made the choice to do it. Amen? Am ah makin' sense this mornin'?"

He launches into a long rant about  a woman who sang when they were in Michigan, and how her daughter had gone wrong, and "they was havin' marijal problems." But now they're in church, so all is OK.

He talks about Daniel who was in the accident. Gary jokes that the car got beat up, but women may still like him with an ugly car.

And he returns to yelling.

You're just gonna have to let your children go. "Ya say wha? 'Cause ah cain't change 'em! Ah trahd mah best, ah done what the Bahble said, listen ah know y'all spank y'alls children in New York, ah whupped mahn, AMEN, and ah even enjoyed it amen. Ah whupped 'em, ah brought 'em to church, ah've corrected 'em, ah've talked to 'em, ah've loved 'em, amen."

Quietly "Now ah just gotta pray for 'em. Even Jacob - Jacob's under mah roof, and ah do correct him an' all those kindsa things, butchu know what would do more than anything else is prayer."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A15&version=KJV

A Godly father will serve the Lord, no matter whether his wife likes it, no matter whether his children like it.

Gary screams about how he going to go on, no matter what his children do, and even if the government "gets worser." And he gets all the way to his prison and electric chair fantasy.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A5&version=KJV

Gary screams about his uncle who was a drunk and ran past the packing house when he heard his father praying for him, but later became the deacon of the Baptist church, and messes up the mustard seed analogy again.

After some more blather, he announces Matthew 5:22, starts to read, then realizes he wanted Mark 5:22. For a moment, he sounds doubtful about whether this is also wrong, but I guess he realizes it's OK when he sees something about a father and daughter.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+5%3A22-25&version=KJV

KJV: And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name
BGV: And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers - (long pause)  of the  synagogue - cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jaritus by name

KJV: And Jesus went with him; and much people followed him, and thronged him.
BGV: And Jesus went with him; and much people followed him, and thrung him.

Oops, Gary - I think you meant to stop after verse 24.

They knew who to go to when they needed something.

"Ah don't know if this town's big enough for a Catholic church, but somewhere in the area there's Catholic churches, anahwahnnatellyasomethin', when somebody wants somebody t'git in touch with God, it ain't the Catholic church they go to."

And you know this how, Gary?

He goes on to say that people will go to someone "they know can get in touch with God." He talks about how, "when we was in West Virgina, started, some of this stuff had just started, with things we was goin' through with the kids," he called on Don Green to pray for him, because Don could "get to God a little bit quicker."

Gary, if you hadn't specifically picked on Catholics at the beginning of this rant, I wouldn't have thought of this. But isn't the idea of a clergyman as intercessor one of the things you hate about the Catholics?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A22-24&version=KJV

A Godly father will forgive. Gary's had to ask his children to forgive him.

Gary talks about being treated to Chinese food by someone named Brother Bill the other day. Or, as he put it, "they ended up payin for it." Yeah, like anything else was an option.

Gary says when he said thank you, Bill said "Next time you're paying for it." What Gary says next is so elided and mumbled that I'm not sure of it, but I think it was "Ah'm not gon' pay for mah own food, starve t'death."

:confusion-shrug:

He is going for the idea that it's easy to thank people who are kind to you, but Christians are supposed to forgive those who hurt them. Which, of course, gives him a chance to chant how Jesus was "beaten upohn, spitten upohn, made fun of, mowked . . . " - you know it all.

Gary says that, about two years ago, his children called him (he doesn't say which), and he said "Listen, ah wantchu to forgive me for all the things, and ah named a few things or whatever."

Gee, Gary, how decent of you. 🙄 Did you actually say and mean you were sorry, or just tell them they were supposed to forgive you?

He says he wants to "do that to all of them," because he's going to face God one day.  He start yelling "Whether ah'm right, whether they're right, whether no matter what it is, ah'm willin' to be forgot - ah'm willing to forgive, because wha? Because ah'm gon' stand before an almighty holy God, a righteous God, an' ah'm gonna be judged. And ah'd rather be - ah'd rather be judged for bein' right on this side, than be judged and have to pay for it on that side."

"1 Timothy chapter 2 - 2 Timothy chapter 2. No, 2 Timothy chapter 4, not 2."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Timothy+4%3A1-5&version=KJV

We ought to charge our children, like Paul charged Timothy (he almost reverses it, but catches himself).

He asks Becky how old Carly is. He rambles about age not meaning you won't die soon - she's only 23 and he's only 48, and his Daddy told him "the Isrlite people was comin' up with somethin'" so we can live to be old again, and if the Lord tarries his comin', he'll be a grandfather in 8-12 weeks. 

He goes on again about how he tried to instruct his children to live right. And somehow he drifts to how much meaner he is on Facebook, and his rant against nekkidness.

"Ah kin go back to two thousand and eleven and ah kin show you pictures of where me and all seven of mah children and mah wahf went down to the beach and we wore our clothes. HAYMAYUN!"

Gary tells us he doesn't have friends because he stands for right.

Screaming again: "Listen hey, mah children are not doin' raht in some dress raht now, but they can go back into a tahm that they remember goin' the ocean an' goin' swimmin' with clothes on you  say 'Ah don't agree with that,' that's your business, you have the right to be wrong, ah know what God says. Amen?"

He tells his story about almost being forced to go to a nudist colony as part of a job.

We need some Godly fathers, because Jesus is soon coming back.

So, was anyone surprised that Gary's Father's Day message kept drifting into angry rants about his children? Show of hands? Anyone?

I fear that poor Jacob may try to be the perfect Christian child who makes up for all the rest of them, and end up either totally broken, or just as much of an arrogant shit as Gary someday.

Edited by thoughtful
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48 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

They sing some hymns, with Pastor Henry at the piano or on the violin. The Hawkinses sing, ending with Becky singing Preach On, then Gary comes up to preach.

I will never read that without thinking Becky's singing the Lola Ray song "Preach On" 

Spoiler

Your red dress doesn't come alive
'til you cross your legs and wave goodbye
Better late then never
Better never

I heard that you got in trouble
Holding your hand with the company devil
Better late then never
Better never (to tell me how much you cared)

I got it wrong when you went away
You were talking loud I had my hands up
Don't come this way

So preach on
Keep on with your words
Talk on
Leave me in a blur
Preach on
Go on with your words
Keep on
Keeping me in a blur

I don't know yet
I'll find out
There's nothing wrong with my head
What I'm talking about

So preach on
(You can't go on and on) about nothing now
You think got it all worked out
You think you got it all worked out

So preach on
(You can't go on and on) about nothing now
You think got it all worked out
Ain't nobody listening now
(What you gonna do)

So preach on
You can't go on and on about nothing now

You think got it all worked out
You think you got it all worked out

So preach on
You can't go on and on about nothing now
(Keep on with your words)
You think got it all worked out
You think got it all worked out
(Talk on keep me in a blur)
Ain't nobody listening now

What you gonna...

 

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So Gary’s Fathers Day sermon turned into a rant about how his kids are no longer godly. Not one bit surprised. No matter what his theme, these sermons always become All About Gary.

Jacob is still under his roof? What roof is that, exactly? The van? The holy tent? Whichever church happens to be hosting them for the night? Run, Jacob, the second you turn 18. 

He enjoyed beating his kids? And he considers this a positive? No wonder his kids don’t follow his narrow version of Christianity. He’s lucky they speak to him. Gary, there are a number of healthier ways you can let out those aggressions. I was going to suggest a dominant-submissive relationship, but somehow I think anger management classes would do more good.

Of course Gary didn’t pay for his beloved Chinese. When was the last time he actually paid for a meal for himself, much less treated someone else? Meals are things people provide for him, not the reverse. 

And we end with another chapter in what I think of as the continuing saga of Gary and the Nekkid People. He must have seen some nekkid people recently (perhaps when he took Becky to the ocean in New Jersey?). That always seems to trigger a rant. Or perhaps, given the weird personal tone of this sermon, one of the kids posted what Gary thinks of as an ungodly photo on social media. 

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1 hour ago, postscript said:

And we end with another chapter in what I think of as the continuing saga of Gary and the Nekkid People. He must have seen some nekkid people recently (perhaps when he took Becky to the ocean in New Jersey?). That always seems to trigger a rant. Or perhaps, given the weird personal tone of this sermon, one of the kids posted what Gary thinks of as an ungodly photo on social media. 

I suspect both. He did slip in something about one of his kids not doing right with  the way they dress.

I sometimes think about what it has been like for Becky's kids, and their father and stepfather. I sympathize with the kids the most, of course, but also wonder what those men had to face - did any of the kids come in guns blazing about what sinners they are?

All parents have to face times when they are perceived as the enemy, and just calmly let that storm hit them without retaliating. But things must have been so much more complicated and personally hurtful for Becky's ex and his husband. I hope they were calm and kind, and the kids have gradually come around to a more open world view.

While trying to remember the names of the kids, I found an obituary for Becky's ex's father in law, who died in April. He was only 58.

https://www.leavittfuneralhome.com/obituaries/Roger--G-Haynes?obId=20605184

 

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12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I don't know if you've been listening to him yourself, or just reading from my recaps, but I do feature the weirdest, funniest, nastiest and most inappropriate things he says. So you might get a skewed idea of what he talks about.

There is lots of preachy stuff in between the politics and gossip. I've just stopped writing out most of it, because it is almost always the same.

You are spot on about Gary's not really understanding or using the passages he reads. The thing that Gary seems to do is take whatever scripture he's been reading and make it fit (or pretends it fits) the riffs and rants he always wants to do.

I read your recaps and occasionally listen to bits of Gary's sermons.  I think you have him pegged accurately.  His connections are loose, he's nasty, and he spends most of his time ranting.  I think the thing he most enjoys is winding himself up into full shouty mode with lots of repetitions.  He believes he sounds like the old timey preachers then.

I went back and listened to the part about the Chinese food.  Gary says when he said thank you, Bill said "Next time you're paying for it." What Gary says next is so elided and mumbled that I'm not sure of it, but I think it was "Ah'm not gon' pay for mah own food, starve t'death.  That's the closest I could get to deciphering it too.  He does a funny grunt at the beginning and I get the feeling that Gary might have created some scene when it turned out that he might be expected to pay for his own meal.  I doubt Brother Bill will be taking him out to eat again any time soon.

My personal opinion about Gary and Becky is that they are lying liars who lie when they pretend that all seven children are all their own and that they've been married longer than they really have.  When Gary preaches about raising seven children, he just wants full credit for something he didn't do.  

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I thought it's up to you to get saved but it was up to your father.

Spoiler

Ok folks a GODly Father will take His Children to Church. If you as a Father don't take your Children to Church don't say you love your Children cause you don't. If you don't take your Children to Church don't expect them to take your Grandchildren to Church. It's all on the Father to get there Children to Heaven. Don't agree that's fine you are wrong. KJB

Bro Gary Hawkins

Don't agree that's fine you are wrong.

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By yesterday evening, Gary was at another church, Blessed Hope Baptist in Gloverville NY. Let's see if he calmed down at all.

The video opens with the person at the lectern (pastor? I'm not sure - he keeps referring to a pastor in the third person) saying something about wickedness. They sing some hymns (I'm fast-forwarding past music these days, since I fell behind on my Gary-listening, but, just from what I heard between hitting the ff arrow, they really scream them out in this church, with little interest in the actual pitches).

Gary moans while a prayer is said, then the speaker announces that they are having ice cream sundaes after church, and that there are $25 gift cards for the fathers.

Also, they've rented a "soul-winning booth" at the New York State Fair, joining Amazing Grace Missions, who are trying to put one in every venue they can, and they need volunteers. There will be a banner that asks if people are 50%, 75% or 100% sure they will go to Heaven when they die.

Someone asks if there are any stipulations about being vaccinated or wearing a mask to go to the State Fair. They discuss that for a while - nobody seems to have any idea.

Here ya go, guys:

https://www.syracuse.com/statefair/2021/06/new-york-state-fair-attendees-wont-need-proof-of-vaccination-to-go-maskless.html

The church will pay for travel and accommodations. His reminding them that the harvest is ripe, but the laborers are few gets a "Yes, that's exactly right" from Gary.

While telling them that they'll be instructed on how to do it, and how fun it will be, the speaker says "You're gonna come across some weird people." Gary says "Mmm. Mmm-hmm."

The speaker tells them that, when they get to Heaven, they'll say they were glad they did it. "Even if it's passin' out tracts - to thousands of people; Hindus, Muslims, it doesn't matter." And he goes on to yammer at them to pray about going to the State Fair.

He makes more announcements, including nagging them about some other upcoming event where they will have a booth.

They take the offering (over a bellowed but almost in-tune Onward Christian Soldiers), then the speaker screams an enthusiastic introduction for the Hawkinses. They drone some songs, ending with Becky's Preach On solo, then Gary comes up to speak.

He does his usual schtick about people needing preaching, not entertainment,  church-planting, his burden for America, his tent, being "a he'p and a blessin' in these last days," etc.

"Ah cannot go reach the Spanish people because ah don't speak Spanish, but they are mah people an' ah want 'em to go to Heaven."

While joking about the excessive snow in upstate NY, Gary says "Since Mr. Bahden's been in the Whaht House, have you noticed way the weather has went - went crazy. Amen! Ah'm not preachin' politics, ah'm preachin' truth! Ah mean hey - what happened in Texas, that woulda never happened - that never happened before thissss."

"Listen hey - when a man tells God, when a man says 'Ah'm gonna take care of the weather,' you remember one thing - God gonna say 'Ah'll take care of you.' Amen? This is God's creation - people need to leave it alone. Amen? Am ah making sense tonaht?"

I'm sad to say he gets some "yes" answers. But he seems dissatisfied with the response, and so his petulance begins. "Y'all did want me to preach, raht? Amen? Ah preach Bahble - King James Bahble, amen."

Gary, that's not preaching.

Like Gary, some of these people seem to think that Joseph Robinette Biden, a human who knows his limitations, is somehow claiming he can control the weather, and all bad weather is God's punishment for that. The stupidity, superstition, and hatred of anyone they've decided to demonize is just limitless, isn't it?

Gary does his bit about fighting for the Bahble, and church, which "they" are trying to take away, including "our stinking governor," and how he hasn't missed any church during Covid.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+1%3A20-31&version=KJV

KJV: hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?
Bro Gary Version: hath not God made the foolishness - foolishness - made foolishness the wisdom of this world?

He bumbles and stumbles through the rest, with his usual stressed voice, list-reading lack of expression, and many added, left out, or reversed words.

"Didja ever think about wha God didn't choose the educated people?"

Gary does his routine about not being against education, except that he is - I'm sure you all know it well by now. And he's already claiming he's made them mad, saying they can run him off if they want, asking "Is ever'body all right?" if they don't yell affirmation back at him, etc.

"But ahwahnnasaysomethin'to ya. The bahble says that the colleges - you get a young boy in here, you get a young man in here - the church. Is, Their. College! HAYMEN! The preacher is to teach you amen?"

"Ah'm just sayin' listen hey - hah! We just read raht here God don't choose the wisdom of His - of people's knowledge. You know wha He takes people that don't know a whole lot? 'Cause them's the ones He can teach."

Gary makes sure we know that everybody should study the Bible - he's not anti-education, really!

Swaggering around the front of the church, he yells: "If God takes all these people that know everything and thinks they got it together but they really don't, amen - Joe Bahden proves that every day, amen."

Spoiler

image.png.ddda840e76da39080b9df98e2106da3a.png

Gary finally tells us his theme  - Who Ah Boast Ohn.

Ooooh, I know! I know! Mr. Kotter! Call on me! You claim it's Jesus, but it's really you!

Gary screams about Jesus for a while, and he gets some of them going, yelling back at him. A man in the congregation tells him he hasn't heard Southern preaching in 30 years and this is like a Father's Day present for him. Noooooo! Don't encourage him!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A33&version=KJV

Number 1, Gary's boasting on God's righteousness. Now that he's gotten some encouragement, he swings into full automatic screaming preacher mode, chanting with some quavering voice and "huh" additions. The content is all familiar.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A43&version=KJV

Gary's boastin' on the cross. The usual follows - blood, tortures listed, etc.

"Mohamed and - the other one's in Hell. Ya say wha? 'Cause they rejected Jesus Christ."

Gary's so excited he can't think of the word "Buddha."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A6&version=KJV

Gary's boasting on His way, and he screams about it for a while. With a caveat that they have to listen before they throw him out (geez, you're needy, Gary - they've been cheering you on!), he tells them that "Goin' to AAA isn't gon' help you get rid of your liquor."

Yeah, that's because AAA is an auto club.

While ranting about how people aren't using the altar enough any more, Gary veers off into how going to Niagara Falls on the 4th of July was a mistake, and continues on to the story that goes with it, about giving a man a gospel tract in the traffic jam, and wishing he could get his truck to "dance" to Gospel music.

He wants people to know that "there's a Heaven to shun - a Heaven to gain and a Heaven - a Hell to shun and a Heaven to gain amen?"

Gary mumbles his "ah gotta hurry" crap, the man in the congregation tells him to preach on, and Gary says "If ah'm here all naht, you blame it on him, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+3%3A8&version=KJV

Gary's boasting on the salvation that belongs to God. He rises to an incredible level of loudness, and says nothing new. Oh, except for this: "You can like this or lump it, that's OK, but ohn Frahdy, ah took a day off  an' slept most of it AMEN!"

A day off from what, you self-indulgent shit?

They love his story mocking the Wesleyan teens he "dealt with," who told him he'd lose his salvation if he died while having a bad dream.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+6%3A44&version=KJV

KJV: No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.
BGV: No man cometh to the Father, except the Father has come - has sent me t'draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.

There are similar verses in the Bible, Gary - you need to think about which one you are reading before your mouth starts moving.

Jesus came looking for Gary. You know where and when. And, since they stop yelling back at him for a few seconds, they get "C'mon, now! Don't dah ohn me now, ah'll think y'all don't believe in this stuff, amen! Ah'll think y'all only believe whatcha wanna believe, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=colossians+1%3A14&version=KJV

Gary's boasting on His blood. And the usual blood riff follows. Jesus shed his blood, but it's running through Gary's veins, but Jesus has all of it with him in Heaven. The NIV takes out the word blood.

After Gary announces the next reading, asks again if he is making sense, and gets hearty affirmations, someone says "Make sure you tell us about the churches that threw you out when you started to say that."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+2%3A8-9&version=KJV

Gary's boasting about His gift. Gary doesn't want anyone to go to Hell, even the worst person.

"Listen, hey, Como's pretty wicked, right?" Silence - do they know he's talking about Governor Cuomo? "Ah don't want him to go to Hell."

"Joe Bahden, which he's not mah president, ah'm just gonnatellya, you don't call the winner a loser AMEN! Butchu know what, Joe Bahden's pretty wicked, but ah don't want him to burn in Hell. Donald Trump, hey listen hey you don't lahk him that's your business, amen, ah voted for him an' ah'm gonna vote for him again. Butchu know what, as good as he done - as good as the Lord allowed him to do what he done the first four years of his uh presincy, ah'm not convinced that he's saved. An' ah don't wanna see him go to Hell."

Gary does his bit about the person paying for his meal, and how foolish it would have been if he'd then offered to pay again. He now tells us it was a Chinese restaurant, and he'd sat in the corner because he didn't want to be seen.

Then we get how he hates "Walmarts" and how they're "lookin' for robots" and "tryin' to control people," because they have self-checkout. Jesus is not looking for robots - He's "lookin' for freeeeee will people."

Gary says he usually keeps a pocketful of tracts so he can "track people down."

This gets a laugh.

While talking about how he leaves tracts everywhere, Gary tells them that he just came from New Jersey, and how, in NJ, you're not allowed to pump your own gas. "Ah once got in a fight with a guy a long tahm ago about that." Gary, is there anything in life about which you haven't gotten into a fight?

He announces 1 John 5:12, and reads 3 John 1:12. It takes me a while to figure that out, because:

KJV: Demetrius hath good report of all men, and of the truth itself: yea, and we also bear record; and ye know that our record is true.
BGV: Didymus hast reported - reported of all men, and of the truth itself: yea, and we also bear record; and ye know that - ah'm in - ah'm in -"
Man in congregation: "You're in the wrong one, pastor."
Gary: "Yeah, lemme go back - 1 John chapter fahve, ah was in 3 John. It's all good, amen?"

1 John 5:12, KJV: He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.
BGV: He ha - he that hath the Son hath life; and the he that hath the Son of God -"
Man in congregation: "Hath not."
Gary: He that hath not the Son of God -  hath not life.

You should have stuck with Doubting Demetrius, or Thomas and the Gladiators, or whatever mess you were making of that other verse, for all the good it did you to read the correct verse, Gary.

As a bonus, here is Demetrius, looking doubtful, probably about Gary:

Spoiler

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Gary's boastin' in Jesus tonight. It must be getting close to the end, because Gary tells them how he gave up everything, and took his wife and seven children on the road, and how he done it for God, God always provides, etc.

But we get a detour to USA in "Jerusalem," and "ah haven't made fun of this Covid" or said anything about churches that closed.

More on Covid - Gary believes that "God swept this through here" to test His people. He just ordered some tracts all about it. Again, he claims that Biden said, "This Covid sure helped me git in the Whaht House. This Covid has sure helped me destroy America."

And Gary is winding down, so he's back to talking about money and "God" providing.

Gary has Jesus living inside him, and he hates high gas prices, and it was even worse when Obama was in office. But God still allowed the Hawkins family to travel. When Gary grumbled about gas prices, "God said 'Shut up.'"

"That money you got in your wallet" belongs to God. Gary reminds them that he doesn't have a set fee, he goes on love offerings. He claims he put on a camp meeting in April and paid for the whole thing himself because he wanted to be a blessing to that church. He claims most churches barely cover his expenses, just give him enough to "git me outta town."

Gary talks about how he doesn't have a lot of money or things, but he's got God, and a loving wife and family.

You mean those children you were insulting only a few hours ago, Gary?

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Cranky Gary is annoyed that people say a sinner's prayer:

Spoiler

image.png.1beec8515497427c0ab7ebf631ce968a.png

image.png.9850ac2d58fecb8e3b9abdda430ffefa.png

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image.png.f0c4c2462f56089917283ff4b62fc5ae.png

 

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Gary may be more of a “gimme this day my daily bread” sort of guy.  Not that he’d use the correct words in any particular order.  😝 

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51 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Cranky Gary is annoyed that people say a sinner's prayer:

  Reveal hidden contents

image.png.1beec8515497427c0ab7ebf631ce968a.png

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Interesting, because Jerry Fallwell, Jr. tells us that Trump is saved because he knelt down in Falwell's office and repeated the sinner's prayer.  So, Gary, if that prayer isn't good enough, then your president isn't saved.

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What is his problem anyway? I thought praying in your own words is totally ok and encouraged so why would it matter if a prayer is from KJB or not. 

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55 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

Interesting, because Jerry Fallwell, Jr. tells us that Trump is saved because he knelt down in Falwell's office and repeated the sinner's prayer.  So, Gary, if that prayer isn't good enough, then your president isn't saved.

Gary says he doubts Trump is saved (he just thinks it's a shame that a man who "done America so good" is going to Hell), and I suspect he doesn't like Falwell. So, in this, he is, in his shitty obnoxious way, pretty consistent.

11 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

What is his problem anyway? I thought praying in your own words is totally ok and encouraged so why would it matter if a prayer is from KJB or not. 

Good question. I guess the fact that someone came up with it and wrote it out, but it is not KJV, makes it bad.

As you say, he does insist that what you say when you get saved, just like when you pray, has to be from the heart. You know, just like the totally predictable things that Gary repeats over and over are OK, and Biblical, because he claims he says them from the heart and he got them from Jesus.

It's Garylogic.

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10 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says he doubts Trump is saved (he just thinks it's a shame that a man who "done America so good" is going to Hell), and I suspect he doesn't like Falwell. So, in this, he is, in his shitty obnoxious way, pretty consistent.

Good question. I guess the fact that someone came up with it and wrote it out, but it is not KJV, makes it bad.

As you say, he does insist that what you say when you get saved, just like when you pray, has to be from the heart. You know, just like the totally predictable things that Gary repeats over and over are OK, and Biblical, because he claims he says them from the heart and he got them from Jesus.

It's Garylogic.

My opinion is that he doesn't like the sinner's prayer because it omits one important part -- Gary.  How can you lead people to salvation if they've found the way on their own?  He's not going to get points for that.  And he needs lots of points to end up eating Chah-nese with John the Baptist.

I honestly don't know how you listen to so much of Gary.  He's such a pissy, useless human that I mostly feel like reaching through the screen and slapping his face.  Then again, he still reminds me of my late father-in-law -- a church-going, bigoted, hateful waste of perfectly good oxygen.

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20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

You are spot on about Gary's not really understanding or using the passages he reads. The thing that Gary seems to do is take whatever scripture he's been reading and make it fit (or pretends it fits) the riffs and rants he always wants to do.

And I think that's one reason the KJV is so popular with fundies.  They can make it apply to whatever they want to, and make it mean whatever they want to.  Personally I like the New Living Translation (NLT) because it makes it much easier to understand but I'm sure if Gary read some of the verses he likes so much in that translation, they'd make sense to him, and he wouldn't like that.

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

and that Daniel didn't get hurt in the wreck.

Oh no!  Lord Daniel from the Laundromat?

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20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He says he wants to "do that to all of them," because he's going to face God one day. 

I'm really hoping I'll be behind Gary (and Jill) come that day.  Just to see what happens.

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"But ahwahnnasaysomethin'to ya. The bahble says that the colleges - you get a young boy in here, you get a young man in here - the church. Is, Their. College! HAYMEN! The preacher is to teach you amen?"

My dad went to Bible school so he could learn Greek and Hebrew, and learn how to write a sermon that people actually understand what he's talking about, and learn that presidents don't control the weather.  But go on, Gary. 

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4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

KJV: hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?
Bro Gary Version: hath not God made the foolishness - foolishness - made foolishness the wisdom of this world? 
 

This misreading sums up Bro Gary’s ministry perfectly. It’s almost Shakespearean in its misguided eloquence. 

He doesn’t want Trump to go to Hell? Gary, I believe in an afterlife. But I no longer believe in Hell (though I was brought up to believe in it). However, if there is such a place, I would gladly see Trump consigned there. 

Man in Congregation is my new hero. Only Becky has dared correct Gary’s readings before. 

Quite the subtle hints for money at the end. 

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2 hours ago, Xan said:

I honestly don't know how you listen to so much of Gary.  He's such a pissy, useless human that I mostly feel like reaching through the screen and slapping his face

Often, so do I. I satisfy that urge by bringing what he said here to be snarked upon by the fine snarkers of FJ.

I do find some satisfaction in exposing him and the people he visits. It's a good antidote to the temptation to go easy on these people, and to counterbalance the idea that it's all little things, or individual selfish personalities.

Yes, Gary is unique in some ways, a living stereotype, just like Jill and others we talk about are OTT in ways they might have been even if they weren't fundies. But, when I listen to some of the other pastors he visits, and the responses Gary gets in a church that likes him, I remember that these people really are that bad. They preach hate and lies, while believing God adores them and thinks their shit is ice cream.

Listening without looking, with Gary in a tiny picture-in-picture while I play solitaire on the computer, really does help. I can credit Gaps, Yukon, Forty Thieves, Penguin (better suited to Arndts, I know), Calculation, Spider, Osmosis, Free Cell, and, of course . . . Patience 😁 for my patience.

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15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Also, they've rented a "soul-winning booth" at the New York State Fair, joining Amazing Grace Missions, who are trying to put one in every venue they can, and they need volunteers. There will be a banner that asks if people are 50%, 75% or 100% sure they will go to Heaven when they die.

Ok, firstly that is a dumb question to ask. Secondly what are the odds that Gary doesn't volunteer?

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Gary has so many tangents that he'll go off on, but in the end his rants are fairly consistent.  I think if I knew in advance that I'd be forced to sit through one of his 'ol timey Southern sermons', I'd hit up some of you all to help me make up Bingo cards (except I'd label them 'study guides').  Then I'd sneak them into the hymnals and let the fun begin.  Playing Bingo and watching to see how many others are also doing it could be fun.

Let's see...  We'd need 5 catagories across the top for a standard grid (but it could be adjusted up or down depending on how long Gary was supposed to be speaking).  Then fifteen possibilities for each catagory.  Decide if we want the middle to be a free space (or use it for when Gary tells someone to get him a water bottle).  Use one of the free online generators to create the cards, and we're set.

We could skip the catagories across the top, but it would make it harder to locate a specific word or phrase to cross off.

This could be fun.

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On 6/18/2021 at 1:53 PM, thoughtful said:

Jacob must have raised his hand or stood up. Gary calls on him, and Jacob says "I want to thank the Lord for giving me good Christian friends."

Gary's answer is under the spoiler, in case anyone wants to guess at Gary's grateful response to his child testifying his gratitude to God in front of a bunch of strangers (which I think he's only done once before, if that), for friends (something that is very difficult for him to have due to his father's yanking him all over the country), as well as helping his father keep the service going by breaking the ice when nobody has testified yet.

What a POS Gary is.

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On 6/20/2021 at 9:24 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary would like to see his children do something for God. He tells us that Becky has asked "If everybody's in the Lord's work, who's gonna pay for it?"

Grifter Philosophy 101

On 6/20/2021 at 9:24 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary talks about being treated to Chinese food by someone named Brother Bill the other day. Or, as he put it, "they ended up payin for it." Yeah, like anything else was an option.

Gary says when he said thank you, Bill said "Next time you're paying for it." What Gary says next is so elided and mumbled that I'm not sure of it, but I think it was "Ah'm not gon' pay for mah own food, starve t'death."

:confusion-shrug:

Applied Grifting 201

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Gary has not come back to his post about the sinner's prayer, but the argument goes on. I hope he sees this, and tries to use the phrase "man-made vain oblation" in the future, just because I want to hear what he makes of it.

Spoiler

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9 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Another scholar weighs in:

  Hide contents

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To roll over upon? Hey, I'm willing to admit that I don't know the etymology of lots of words, but I couldn't find anything to support that.

 

What the...?  Roll over upon?  No.  Believe does not and never has meant "roll over upon" -- even in the 1600's.  I don't think the Lord wants us rolling over upon him with our "weight".  All this makes me wonder is what goes on in this guy's bed when he and, presumably, his significant other are trying to sleep.

How long do you figure it will take Gary to start saying that we need to roll over upon Jesus?  This sounds like something Gary would think was clever.

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2 hours ago, Xan said:

How long do you figure it will take Gary to start saying that we need to roll over upon Jesus? 

I kind of hope this happens, not least because that will confuse the congregations even more.

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"man-made vain oblation"

But not as much as this. I can see people wondering how the vehicles come into it.

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