Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

Besides screaming, he sings along, whistles,  whoops, does that fake "I'm so happy in the Lord it makes me laugh" heheheheh. No new content - a lot of "Ah like it ah like it ah like it" and "what a God ah serve!"

Funny how he usually gives the impression he's mad as hell instead of happy.

[Black Aliss]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Someone who works with cars and has a tow truck attends a white Baptist church in the southern US? Who'da thunk it? Had to be a miracle from God.

Sarcasm is my second language and I am always delighted to find someone who is even more fluent in it than I.

[Jasmar]

I wonder if the God Can trumps Beansie’s Can?

[MayMay1123]

Uh, becks, until very recently I ran my church's Facebook page. Lots of God and Jesus stuff, no censorship ever. A friend was recently sent to fb jail for saying the word "hoe"... while talking about the garden implement ? 

Edited May 24, 2021 by MayMay1123
Spelling...sigh

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

On 5/16/2021 at 1:26 PM, thoughtful said:

Yes, all of that was the wrong reading. Gary mumbles something, and says "It's all good, amen?" He then says something about Sarah laughingh, and it was Abraham who laughed. when told she would have a child. Did you mean to read verse 17, Gary? Oh, and it was Abraham who laughed.

I know this was over a week ago, but I kind of got stuck thinking about it. I'm guessing he mixed up two stories about God telling Sarah and Abraham that she would have a child. The one he's almost quoting here:

Genesis 17:15-17 (KJV)

Quote

15 And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

16 And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

17 Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

and this one in the next chapter. 

Genesis 18:9-15 (KJV)

Quote

9 And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent.

10 And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.

11 Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.

12 Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?

13 And the Lord said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?

14 Is any thing too hard for the Lord? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

15 Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.

When my husband and I had been TTC (in our late 30s) for well over a year, I sometimes felt like I understood Sarah's reaction better than I did as a young woman. 

[AmazonGrace]

Quiz: Do you think Gary has any self awareness?

a) no

b) no but in italics

[Ozlsn]

On 5/25/2021 at 6:16 PM, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

When my husband and I had been TTC (in our late 30s) for well over a year, I sometimes felt like I understood Sarah's reaction better than I did as a young woman. 

I'm totally with Sarah, being myself about as fertile as your average rock. Cynical internal laughter is definitely something I relate to quite well - if I were to fall pregnant I would probably die of shock while laughing hysterically.  

On 5/25/2021 at 6:16 PM, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

11 Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women

I haven't read that passage in a while, but I quite like that description of both age and menopause. Now of course we have reliable contraceptives so we can cease being "after the manner of women" more frequently, although unfortunately my knees are telling me that I am indeed well stricken in age. 

[sixcatatty]

So Bro Gary, this is not the sort of music a real Christian listens to?

This person of faith listens to this version of Wayfaring Stranger and I understand again the beauty created by the God who leads my Walk of Faith.

[Xan]

Gary is complaining about masks again:

First, I would suppose that even Gary has seen doctors wearing masks when they operate so he's aware, on some level, that masks are used to stop the spread of germs.  Second, Gary wears everything but an overcoat and hip waders when he goes to the beach.  And he can't handle one more tiny square of cloth?  Trust me, Gar.  If I could easily move to a state where more people wore masks, I'd do it.  Nobody is leaving a state because of a mask mandate.

I love that he thinks it's manly to delete comments.  

[forgetmenow]

4 hours ago, Xan said:

Gary is complaining about masks again:

First, I would suppose that even Gary has seen doctors wearing masks when they operate so he's aware, on some level, that masks are used to stop the spread of germs.  Second, Gary wears everything but an overcoat and hip waders when he goes to the beach.  And he can't handle one more tiny square of cloth?  Trust me, Gar.  If I could easily move to a state where more people wore masks, I'd do it.  Nobody is leaving a state because of a mask mandate.

I love that he thinks it's manly to delete comments.  

Well, if I were living in a state that was just handing out money, you can bet I wouldn't leave.  And I'm also betting that he wouldn't either.

Edited May 28, 2021 by forgetmenow

[thoughtful]

I'm swooning!

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Last Sunday, Gary was at Elon Baptist Church in Halls, TN. They sing I Shall Not Be Moved.

This pianist may look like she's straight out of central casting, circa 1935, floral dress and all, but she plays a lively gospel style and sings into a mike at the same time. The organist on the other side plays, as well.

Spoiler

After announcements and a prayer, they sing He Set Me Free  while people bring up contributions and put them in the offertory plates, then  Just Over in the Glory Land, which the pastor introduces with some chat about how he and Brother Gary agree that it's coming soon, because the Bible's fulfilling itself in these days we're in.

The pastor says something that starts with "Let's go around . . ." and is drowned out by the keyboard instruments starting up again, and there are a few minutes of random loud talking and people moving in an out of camera range.  A woman comes and squeezes the pianist's shoulders.

As far as I can tell, they seem to have a tradition of people greeting and hugging and blessing one another at this point in the service.

Not an uncommon practice in many churches, but it's the first time I've seen it in one that Bro Gary is visiting - the others seem to save the fellowshipping for before and after services. It would be lovely if it weren't for that pesky pandemic, and knowing these people are unlikely to be vaccinated (no masks, of course).

Another prayer from the pastor (Gary moans), including a metaphor! The lost come to church with their cup turned upside down on the saucer - turn that cup over and soon it will be overflowin'.

Gary does his "ah thought this was a Baptist church" bit when they don't yell loudly enough for him, and the usual crap about needing to be in church, himself, his travels and his burden for America. They're his people, including the "Indians out on the reservation."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+22%3A13-25&version=KJV

I don't remember ever hearing Gary read this passage before. There are lots of errors, of course, including:

KJV: Likewise also the cup after supper, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood, which is shed for you.
Bro Gary Version: Likewise also the cup supper - the cup - also the cup after supper sayin', This cup is the new testament in mah blood, which is shed for me - for you.

After reading, Gary burbles on about the crucifixion, and Pilate, and "Barnabas,"   and, after a few minutes, says he's not sure if he's in the right chapter. Well, that would explain the unfamiliar reading - this time he got all the way through and into his preaching before it registered on him.

Gary - I think you meant to read from Chapter 23, not 22.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A13-25&version=KJV

Gary's theme is What is Jesus Guilty Of? Haven't heard this one in a while.

First, Gary wants to make it clear that Jesus is not guilty of what is happening in the White House. Whew - glad we got that cleared up.

"He's not - He's not guilty of, uh, of you letting the devil deceive - He wasn't guilty of the devil - letting the devil deceive Eve, that was see - that was, uh, ah, we was over eatin' last night at a church they hadda fish frah 'n' they invited us over and we came over and I thought - all the food that was layin' out there, ah said to oneofem 'ey asked me didja get full ah said 'Oh we got plenty of foo - full 'n' everything,' ah but ah said 'Ah got t'thinkin'' ah said 'Is the person that was puttin' this stuff in their plate guilty or was it the person that laid all that stuff out?'"

After this verbal tartar sauce, Gary admits that he would have been guilty if he had overeaten, not the person who tempted him with fried fish.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+32%3A5&version=KJV

KJV: I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid.
BGV: I acknowledge mah sins unto thee, and mah iniquities have I hid.

Full reversal of the original meaning - pure Gary. Selah.

In trying to give his usual spiel about people in the south always claiming they are saved, but not living up to it, Gary tangles his tongue thus: "You know what, ah'm in the south part of the state, you know what, ah could knock on doors, 'n' people - everybody's saved. Ah don't know how it is in this parta Tennessee ah'm sure it would be lahk some other parts of uh uh the S - what ah don't know if you'd be classified as some parta the southern states, uh ah guess you're below the di - di - uh, Dixie lahn you be alraht."

And he goes on about how Yankees, despite being Yankees, will tell you the truth about being lost souls. That is, Catholics.

He rattles off his beloved 2 Corinthians 13:5 by memory, ending with a sibilant "reptobatesssss."

He makes the error about being saved 22 years if he makes it "to JOOlah 11, 1999" again.

"Easy believesism stuff is killin' America."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A16&version=KJV

Jesus is guilty of comforting people.

He starts yelling about the McFaddens again, and how Mr. McFadden is getting through this hard time because he has a comforter.

Gary claims God kept him from dying even before he was saved. I guess God thought Gary had a future as a believer.

Wow, he actually says something sort of kind, albeit in a Garyesque way. Back on the subject of McFadden again, he says he can't imagine what he is going through, because his own wife is "still here." And he is against preachers who say you should just "man up and accept it" in a situation like McFadden's, because they shouldn't talk until they've been "in that shoe."

Of course, I'm not so sure his claim that he's heard preachers say that is true.

Gary says that Mrs. McFadden's death has made him more alert - I'm pretty sure he means when he's driving. "When ah'm stopped, ah'm lookin'."

Great - how about when you're going 55 with your hat in front of you and your phone dropping on the floor?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A8&version=KJV

Jesus is guilty of loving you.

"Ah b'lieve God the father went to God the son, and they set down, and prob'ly had Chahnese, AMEN! You don't lahk Chahnese you ain't saved."

"We can have a little humor in church."

Gary gave us permission.

He rattles off his routines about God loving him enough to chasten him, God doesn't want robots, Walmarts does.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians+1%3A4&version=KJV

Jesus is guilty of giving. You should give, too.

Gary gave up everything to go on the road, but "Ah'm not one bit jallus of anybody that's got a home. Ah'm not. Mah wahf might be halfway, amen. That'll be between her and God 'n' God'll deal with that amen."

And he does several minutes about giving time, money and preaching to missionaries and churches.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+thessalonians+4%3A13-18&version=KJV

KJV: we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
BGV: we which are alive and remain in the comin' of the Lord shall not present them - prevent themselves which are asleep.

"The Lord's guilty of Him soon coming."

"The news channels has never told the truth. Politicians has never told the truth."

While reminding them that nobody knows the day or the hour, Gary says "Miss McFadden, the other day - 'n' ah mean, ha, ah guess ah get to use her for a lot of illustrations here in the next little bit, Miss McFadden was setting in her van, talking to her husband, and the next thing ya know she was wrappin' her arms around Jesusss."

Get to? Tasteful, Gary.

"You think ah'm negative behahnd the pulpit, watch me ohn Facebook."

And he tells them about his Facebook post proposing that people should feel as guilty about not preaching Jesus to someone as they would if they'd caused an accidental death.

He does his routine about your casket being in a funeral home nearby, and drags poor Mrs. McFadden into it again.

Gary starts talking about Mr. McFadden in the past tense, as well (Gary, he's still alive). He says McFadden helped him through "some orrrdill" (ordeal) about 15 years ago.

Pre-divorce problems, perhaps, Gary?

Gary announces 1 Timothy 1:12, reads most of 2 Timothy 1:12, then stops, mumbles, apologizes, and reads the correct verse. Well, sort of.

The verse is:
And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that he counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry."

Gary says:
"First Timothy, chapter 12. And ah thank Gahd - ah thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for he counted me faithful, putting me in the ministry."

God is guilty of calling Gary to preach.

Hey, don't blame God, Gary.

And he's off on his "ah never made laht of this vahris one tahm" crap.

He assures them that, despite going to places he shouldn't have, and not wearing a mask, he respected people and didn't spit and slobber all over them.

Nice to know.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+5%3A14&version=KJV

God is guilty of listening to us. So you should pray "fevrent" prayers.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+6%3A23&version=KJV

The Lord is guilty of coming to save sinners. You deserve to go to Hell, but, well, you know.

Edited January 10, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

I sure glad.

Spoiler

Gary annoys the world some more:

Spoiler

Pissy and peevish, as usual:

Spoiler

Gary preached a second service at Elon Musk - er, Elon Baptist Church last Sunday. As the video begins, the keyboard ladies are swinging Down at the Cross, then Becky sings Preach On.

Gary does some of his usual blahblah about needing preaching, preaching against sin, and says his thank yous for being fed and housed. He admits he over-indulged on food.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Timothy+4%3A1-8&version=KJV

Gary remembers that it's Paul talking to Timothy, not vice versa, on the first try - a miracle.

Gary says he's not "per se" against college, but "Biblical way of teachin' a preacher man is, is the local church, amen?"

"Now you think about this - apostle Paul wrote this no tellin' how long ago - he been gone for years. And they put it in English as we have it today."

But Gary, I thought they didn't just "put it in English" - I thought God inspired the Bible for the first time, somehow, in 1611, using King James' committee. I wish you'd decide whether time is linear or not, Gary - you're more confusing than Star Trek and Dr. Who combined.

While telling us how Christians should be holy, Gary lets us know that someone in his hotel is smoking dope - by the time he gets in his room he's "'bout 10 or 12 clouds hah."

"What's goin' ohn in our religion rem*" and "acrost our lands" is not the end. "It's not the begin - yeah, it's not the en - it isn't  the end part - the begin part is when those that go to Heaven there's where ya git it. Paul told Timothy he said 'Listen hey, in these days listen hey we need to preach the Word."

*realm

A lot of Gary's sentences are coming out even more tangled than usual in this video - sometimes with the sentence structure turned around so he sounds like an idiotic version of Yoda.

He says he doesn't always like to go to camp meetings, but likes Brother Paul's "because the preaching that ah heard him have, they had biblical preaching." He criticizes some camp meeting messages as just being preachers wanting to give their own opinions and "give some kinda stories or whatever."

And once again, Gary wins the Total Lack of Self Awareness Award. I believe the trophy is a huge pair of tweezers, for pulling the beam out of one's eye.

Gary boasts about how he gets rid of his Facebook critics, because they are just trying to make his Facebook look bad.

"We're in the part of the truth, listen hey, he said to preach, listen hey, once in a whahle, uhuh we listen hey, shoutin', what is it, chandelier shoutin' messages 'n' he was talkin' 'bout when you young men outa Brother Carl's the other night when he was uh gittin' excited about it ame - _______ (gibberish that may have meant "I think y'all ought to") git excited about God's work, amen? Git excited about  what God's doin' for us, 'n' those thangs lahk that but listen hey once in a whahle we have to git down where the rubber meets the hahway."

Gary says sometimes preachers need to rebuke people, and claims it's not the kind of preaching he likes to do.

Gary, who, let me remind you, claims to hate gossip, goes into a long story about a church where he did a revival. The pastor called and said he'd understand if Gary wanted to cancel, since he couldn't promise him a big crowd, but Gary said he's not that kind, he's not in it for the money or a big crowd, he just wants to "be a he'p."

"And whenever we got there, he tol' me a little more details about the piana player,  that uh had moved from one part of South Carolina said it was God's will for her to move over there, and she even before she completely moved over there, she was even sendin' her tithes over there. But uh becowse the preacher wouldn't do what she wanted done, and becowse she couldn't - wouldn't - an' it wa'n't nothin' biblical or whatever on the part, it was just the part  that she wanted to have the outin' on Sat'day night but he wanted to have it on Frahday nights 'n' that was best worked best for him because he said 'On Saturday naht ah have to finish completely gittin' ready tryin' t'get to bed at a good tahm so ah kin git up and be refreshed for church' 'n' she got mad ohn that 'n' left.  Nowahwanna tell ya that is not biblical."

I'm not sure I can make much sense of that, but I can tell that it's gossip. Gary thinks she should come back and apologize to the whole church.

He tells the story about the preacher who "grew up in a drunkard's home," became addicted himself, and was about to commit suicide when his aunt called him on the phone. He set down the gun to answer, and he was saved, because she invited him to a revival.

Gary tells them about the two times he "smoked dope" and how God made sure it didn't do anything for him, or he "would probably still be there today."

In the same room? I know marijuana can be somewhat enervating, but it's not succinylcholine, Gary! Also, that story contradicts what you said earlier about the contact high. Maybe the folks at the hotel just have better weed.

And once again we hear about the church in Oklahoma near the weed store (he calls it "one a them dispenser places" this time - he's getting closer).

Gary screams for a while about how preachers should be open minded and willing to change - only if the change can be backed up by the Bible, of course.

He tells a story about Carl Lackey apologizing to his huge congregation because he had "preached against fears," and it wasn't biblical.

Gary says "Ah've had to apologahz to mah chil'ren" in a tone of voice that implies that is something astounding.

Somebody from the church he was talking about in South Carolina went to The Rock for a while, and he tells the story about the pastor at the Rock telling the man to shut up when he questioned the plan to preach from "Revelations" without mentioning doctrine.

If people can't "line it up with the worda God," get away from it.

"Other Baptists, amen, whatever the religion is here's what ahwanna say to ya, ya ever git those 'cause listen, you better stay as far away from it as y'can. Becowse what they gonna do is they gonna try 'n' indoctrine you so they can pull you over that way amen?"

He wanders around the subjects of sugar-coated preaching and "the vahris" and people telling  lies for a while. Gary, of course, "don't believe" what the media says, and even "half of what doctors say."

Gary would rather go by the rapture than die, but "if ah gotta dah, ah wanna dah asleep, just - ah mean - be like Miss McFadden was - ah'm here, 'n' then ah'm gohne amen?"

Gary, I don't know why you are so sure Mrs. McFadden was happy as a clam and then woke up in Jesus' lap. She did die in an auto accident, and I would be willing to bet that you don't know if she saw the other car coming, if she suffered, or how long it took her to die, you insensitive wad of infected spittle.

We get a little bit about "Isrl," and how "wars and rumors of warssssss" are signs of the end times, and a tangled numeric mess that is supposed to be something about the parable of the talents.

Gary does a commercial for his tent, and for Heaven, with the streets of gold and unlimited food.

Oh, and seeing Jesus.

Edited January 10, 2022 by thoughtful
riffles - again

[Ozlsn]

55 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

it was just the part  that she wanted to have the outin' on Sat'day night but he wanted to have it on Frahday nights 'n' that was best worked best for him because he said 'On Saturday naht ah have to finish completely gittin' ready tryin' t'get to bed at a good tahm so ah kin git up and be refreshed for church' 'n' she got mad ohn that 'n' left.  Nowahwanna tell ya that is not biblical."

.. which part Gary? The going to bed early, the having the outing on Saturday night rather than Friday night, the deciding not to join the church..? 

These tiny churches have the most personality conflicts I swear.

[thoughtful]

53 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

.. which part Gary? The going to bed early, the having the outing on Saturday night rather than Friday night, the deciding not to join the church..? 

These tiny churches have the most personality conflicts I swear.

It's in the part of the part where it's the part of . . . the part, honey.

[Jasmar]

Every time I read about Becky playing Preach On, this is the image that pops into my head

 

[thoughtful]

Gary has arrived - again. He is in Vinton, Iowa, at Cornerstone Baptist, judging by the name Gary included in his post.

Spoiler

And he did a video of the tent - well, it's a minute and seven seconds panning back and forth over a big white square on the ground. He asks us to pray, and tells us they're hoping for more help for when they "throw it in the air."

He also sucks his teeth and asks us to pray for the meeting. And he says he's in "Vintinton."

[thoughtful]

Let's not forget the one that die, the one's that gave us freedom, and let's capitalize (or not) at random. Gary, you are always begging God to meet with you - have you sent him a Zoom invitation?

Spoiler

Guess where Gary thinks you should be today (there's not much more boring than a predictable riddle - sorry, everyone):

Spoiler

 

[postscript]

17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary has arrived - again. He is in Vinton, Iowa, at Cornerstone Baptist, judging by the name Gary included in his post.

  Reveal hidden contents

And he did a video of the tent - well, it's a minute and seven seconds panning back and forth over a big white square on the ground. He asks us to pray, and tells us they're hoping for more help for when they "throw it in the air."

He also sucks his teeth and asks us to pray for the meeting. And he says he's in "Vintinton."

I’m at a loss as to why he always asks for prayers when he raises the tent (I was going to say “erects” but decided to give my inner 12-year-old a break). He makes it sound as though the tent is going to collapse at any moment. And then there’s frequently a second video proclaiming that the tent is up, as though Jesus worked a miracle. Surely he’s done this enough times that he has confidence in the tent’s ability to remain standing? Or is he asking for prayers for the meetings to be held underneath? 

This is probably nit-picky, but in that little video of the tent lying on the grass, he kept panning back and forth, but spent most of his time on the tent itself, not on the van and equipment lying to the left, which I found more interesting. I wanted to see what they brought with them. At least the sun was shining. 

[thoughtful]

I checked Gary's Facebook page a few times today, but no videos. I was going to chide him for not being in church - er, tent - but then I found them, on the church's page.

Sunday morning under the tent starts with all belting out Wonderful Grace of Jesus, then greetings and a prayer. The pastor and song leader are being Very Cheerful and Enthused. They sing Where Could I Go?

They seem to have some sort of boys vs. girls contest going on with the offertory for missions, with pies in the face (of adult volunteers, I hope!) as rewards. Sorry they didn't actually do the pies in the video - just talked about it.

After some more announcements and lots of chat, I'm wondering what Gary thinks of this church. There are lots of kids yelling stuff out, and I wonder if he thinks they should all be beaten. They are also going to leave for children's church after the songs, and I know he disapproves of that.

Then the pastor announces that he and his wife (?) will sing a song that "has to do with the blood" and now we hear Gary yelling Amen! The song is Thank You, Jesus, for the Blood.

The pastor hands out bookmarks with bible verses on them. He says they also have fans, and he's grateful, because "you know how hard it is to find things with the King James Bible on it." Really? Seems to me there are plenty.

He hands out the menu for them to mark off their meal choices, as well, then has the girls, then boys, bring up missionary offerings, with the promise that someone named Mason will get a pie in the face for every hundred dollars, and Pastor Graber (don't you love it when people refer to themselves in the third person? Very Suddenly Last Summer) gets a pie in face for every 500 dollars.

Then he asks for "some of the buff boys" to help carry two benches out to where the children will be having church.

We've heard the sound of a chainsaw off and on, and the pastor comments that, if he disappears for a few minutes, it's to find out what his son is cutting. Pastor's son is cutting wood instead of being under the tent? Horrors!

Pastor Graber introduces himself, for anyone there who doesn't know him, and says his church, Cornerstone, is a storefront across the street from a pizza place that makes great chicken. "You walk out on Sunday morning, and that fried chicken smacks ya in the face."

Gary yells HAYMUN!

The pastor is grateful for Jacob going up on the ladder to put the lights up - oh, good, now he's given Gary a segue for his version of I Sing the Body Electric later.

The singing group, who the pastor introduced as the Hart family (these folks, I think) sings I Know and When He Reached Down His Hand for Me, with some preaching between songs from the father, and lots of shouting from the crowd.

And then the father announces a Bible reading, so I guess he's also the preacher for this service, not our buddy Gary. Ah, well - I'm listening already, let's find out how offensive this guy is.

He's grateful God didn't make it as hot as last year, and tells us how sweaty he was then. He's grateful for the tent - Gary must be beaming.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+35%3A1-5&version=KJV

As soon as he switches from introduction to reading, he changes his voice and pronunciation, doing a bit of the shaky-voice old-fashioned preacher thing, and a few "ah" sounds added to some words.

He prays, then switches back to a slightly different phony voice to preach - more chanting, a bit less shaky, still with lots of added "ah" and the occasional hisssss.

Spoiler

Bethel means "house-ah of God." (oooooh, caring about what the Hebrew actually meant, you bad boy!). He separates the two parts of the word, but still pronounces them like they were English, and doesn't mention what the original language even is, so I guess God, Jesus and the ghost of King James won't come get him.

And he quickly gets into rhythmic, yelled chanting about going to the church house and staying there, and doing what God wants, and supporting the pastor, getting purged around an altar (hope they have enough tissues), etc.

While telling them to get rid of idols, he says he doesn't just mean "one of those little fat men you see in Chahnese restaurants. You know, that bronze guy that they have sittin' over in the corner? You know, that's got his belly rubbed off and his head's rubbed off 'cause everybody went by and rubbed it on the way out? I ain't touchin' that thing - dontcha know Covid's real, amen?"

He says an idol can be fishing, hunting, golf. "You ladies, you say 'yeah, git 'em, preacher, yeah', get 'em good.'" So, of course, he lists shopping and Pinterest (because those are lady things, you see), and jokes about how now the love offering just went down.

Ah, Gary - you have found a soulmate.

He loves a lot of the same phrases Gary does - "songs of Zion," "the world, the flesh and the devil," "I understand ____ but," God inside you will "stick out" somehow, "I better move on" (when he says something stern about sin, acting like they are getting offended and he'd better change the subject),

He criticizes their weak amens, and goes on about how the people of God should dress. He yammers for a while about the worldly people at the RV park staring at them and wondering about them because they left today carrying Bibles, wearing shirts and ties instead of shorts and tank tops, and are at a revival instead of grilling hot dogs.

I bet they didn't even notice you, preacher.

He calls their attention to verse 7,  reading with the shakier voice again.

And he built there an altar, and called the place Elbethel: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.

He says "we talked about this word, we got an English lesson earlier."

Well, not really.

And he screams about how that name means "the God of the house of God." God will change you and change your name (he yells verse 10), because Jacob's name meant trickster, someone who can get his own way.

So I guess he's not translating from Hebrew any more. 

He screams some more - he's going to Heaven, if you're not saved, you're going to Hell, the news here on earth is not good. He whoops and hollers about having sweet fellowship with God when he's on his knees (hush, inner 12-year-old).

He keeps yelling about "Elbethel," and half the time it sounds like he's yelling "Elvis," which would give the sermon a whole new meaning.

Everyone should be in Bethel, meeting with Elbethel (or possibly Elvis), but most people are doing this:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ezekiel+33%3A30-32&version=KJV

He interrupts the reading with lots of comments - another Garyesque move.

And he screams some more, and gradually gets quieter, and prays that people will come down to the altar. He fits in asking his wife to come to the piano, then to start playing (she plays How Great Thou Art), as he prays, reviews his sermon, and assures them that a man will meet with men at the altar, and a lady with ladies who come up. His multitasking skills are better than Gary's.

He noodges and exhorts and picks at them, trying to get people to come up. He finally gives up, and turns it back over to the pastor.

Pastor Graber continues the noodging, and says a prayer, hoping that anyone who isn't saved will "get that settled," as we hear the kids, wherever they are, screaming "Go! Go! Go!" I assume for some game they are playing - perhaps a pie is being thrown.

Pastor and the pianist give up. He prays, collects the menus and tries to find something to say while others try to round up the kids so they can see the baptism. They chat about water temperature for baptism, he talks to some of the kids (including a little boy who wants to be the one to get baptized), he tells the woman getting baptized to go get changed, and it finally occurs to him that they can kill time by singing What a Day That Will Be.

The woman getting baptized comes up (in tight knee-length shorts  - hope Gary isn't too horrified). A few children sound concerned, although I can't hear exactly what they are saying, as she takes off her shoes. Then we hear a child scornfully tell another, right near the microphone, "she's not gonna get naked."

And Lydia, who's known the pastor for a few weeks, who got saved as a child, but "never followed the Lord in believer's baptism," we are told, gets dunked.

All applaud, and we hear the child near the camera say, disgustedly, "Now she's soaked. Oh, my Gahd!"

Y'know, sometimes I wonder why I listen all the way to the end of these things, and then I am blessed with something like that.

[Ozlsn]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

All applaud, and we hear the child near the camera say, disgustedly, "Now she's soaked. Oh, my Gahd!"

Y'know, sometimes I wonder why I listen all the way to the end of these things, and then I am blessed with something like that.

I have great hope for that child's future away from these churches.

[Jasmar]

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

As soon as he switches from introduction to reading, he changes his voice and pronunciation, doing a bit of the shaky-voice old-fashioned preacher thing, and a few "ah" sounds added to some words.

He prays, then switches back to a slightly different phony voice to preach - more chanting, a bit less shaky, still with lots of added "ah" and the occasional hisssss.

It really is just performance art for these buffoons, isn’t it?

[thoughtful]

  

7 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I have great hope for that child's future away from these churches.

I know - me too! I was thinking that this may have been the first I've seen where I have some hope for the children having a sense that this shit is wrong.

The fact that they package the indoctrination in so much fun is a shame, though. They had inflatables and popcorn machines outside at this event - they made it a fairground atmosphere. And then there are the games and promise of throwing pies in the faces of respected adults. 

I just hope that they are, as they appear to be, encouraging feisty attitudes in the kids, and that it backfires on them.

[thoughtful]

  

Gary is back to his stupid "shortage" posts.

Spoiler

Also this, which I assume was spellchecked by Becky or Jacob:

Spoiler

 

He did a hotel room video.

Spoiler

He sucks his teeth, tells us that Brother Hart preached last night, and how we need to remember the folks who died to give us the freedom that's "slowly - heh, well ahdunno about slowly - fastly bein' taken away from us." Later, he says it is "vastly bein' taken away from us."

But, of course, it's more important to remember "the freedom that God gives eternal lahf." And he rolls out some of his usual stuff, sounding tired and like he his having trouble concentrating and getting up the energy to talk at all. I guess God must have called him to do this at a bad time.

"The Bahble does say that uh - there is ri - the harvest is under-ripe."

I don't think that's what you meant to say, Gary.

Someone told him that people are coming back to church in North Carolina. "Maybe Mr. Cooper has opened up somethin', ah don't know, uh maybe he has ah don't have no ideer."

Here is today's non-gossip gossip. This is mostly one stream of words (although slower and quieter than Gary's usual) - I broke it up for reading purposes.

"As ah watch ohn Facebook, ah was just readin' somethin' yesterday not gonna tellya what ah was readin', ah'm not even gonna tellya who was it about orn anything else but they put somethin' ohn Facebook 'n' because they was not of their stripe - 'n' they was throwin' this out 'n' throwin' this out 'n' throwin' this out 'n' throwin' this out 'n' throwin' all these different things out, because they was not of their stripe, here's what they said; 'We cain't work together. 'Cause you don't dot yer tees and cross yer ahs', an' ah know wha ah said that backwards, ah ain't, y'know, mah boy'll say somethin' to me in a minute, but because we don't do exactly right, y'know what?"

Long pause, switch to low-pitched stupid-person voice. "'Ah cain't be in fellowship with you, we cain't work together, we cain't, we cain't, we' - heh?" He laughs. "Ah was talkin' to - mah daddy. 'N' we was not gossipin', like some people think we do, but we was talkin' about certain things 'n' everything . . . just broke his heart because of   . . . certain things on those parts 'n' . . . "

I think he's winding down, but he pipes up:

"Y'know, ah'm just gon' tellya, here's the way here's the way ah am. 'N' you kin call it raht or wrong that's yer choice ah'm not lookin' ah'm not lookin' for criticism that's upta you whatchu wanna do. Butahmmawna tell ya raht now when we get to Heaven all this stuff gonna be straghten 'em out, no let me rephrase that - when we git to the Judgment all this stuff's gon' be worked out . . . an' we're gonna see that if we, that if we hadda maybe - " Suddenly loud: "Ah ain't talking about doctrine!"

And he goes on, about how he won't fellowship with you if you've got your doctrine wrong. "You kin defriend me, it'll be OK."

And he gets some energy and screams a few of his usual riffs for a while.

He tells us about someone "on Facebook" who shut their bus ministry down for two years to build a building, and how that's not Biblical.

I'm surprised the Bible says anything about bus ministries, Gary.

After winding down again, and a few seconds of silence, he suddenly yells, "Covid!" then says "Jesus." Then, after reassuring us that he's not making light of it, he tells us "If you don't go to church because of the Covid, ah'm jest gonna tellya," he stops for an evil-sounding chuckle, "Ah feel - and yer saved? Ah feel sorry for your lost loved ones."

He starts screaming: "Ah feel sorry for the people that watched you go to church for over a decade or whatever it was and then all of a sudden the Covid comes up and you say 'Ah'm done! Ah'm done! Ah'm done! Ah'm done! Ah don't care! Ah don't care! Ah don't care!'"

Quieter: "The blood will be on your hands, honey, and people will scream ananand burn, and  frah lahk sausage because you CHOSE - to go to Hell - for people to go to Hell."

The old riff about how people should just stay home if they are sick, and how they go to Walmarts, etc., but not church, follows.

Gary says that God allowed this (Covid, I assume) to happen, "to see about His people, and see how they would do."

He rattles off his routine about being a "white man on the reservation" who wasn't even supposed to be there because it was "closed down," and how he told off "the president of the Navajo."

And on to booze. "Ah don't drink beer, ah don't drink liquor, ah think it's ungodly, ah think it's - ah don't think Jesus - ah know Jesus didn't make wahn - not intoxicated wahn amen. He said it was - Proverbs, he said it was a mawck."

And he's back to being pissed off at people for not laying aside their differences to go do something for the Lord. "Ah ain't talkin' 'bout doctrine, ah'm talking 'bout yer petty little peepee things you got amen."

Petty little peepee things?

"Listen hey, you know what, ah was at somebody's house her the other day, and they was tellin' us that they went to a certain place, and, uh, and then ah ended up tellin' them that ah went to a certain place 'n' some preacher found out about it 'n' here's what the preacher said, he says 'Well, ahhhh won't - don't worry Brother Hawkins, it won't git out to the other preachers.' Y'know what? Ah told, ah looked at him, and here's what ah told him."

Dramatic pause. "'Ah don't keer who fahnds out.' So, uh, so hol - listen, got that little halo ohn their head, and they so spir't'l, more'n everybody else." He laughs.

Gary shows us the halo, and mocks the spiritual types, and how they'll get to the Judgment and be all excited:

Spoiler

 

But, he knows better. He tells them, "You might be surprahsed." When you get to the great white throne judgment, and "yer hand's raht there, you all of a sudden -" He screeches, "Ohhhhhhhh! Blood's on mah hand!"

Spoiler

That's because you didn't tell "so-and-so" about Jesus. You need to "git off your little hah horse and go git it HAYMEN!"

We get several minutes of "Ah'm not doin' it for ________, ah'm doin' it for Jesus."

And the video cuts off suddenly.

[Dana723]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Petty little peepee things?

Ah, Gare-Bear, you never fail to get my inner 12-year-old giggling.