Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[samurai_sarah]

Show of hands! Who is stopping the Weenster from attending church?

 

Yeah... thought so...

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by samurai_sarah

[Xan]

Here's a screenshot of Gary from last night's sermon.  So he says he's gone down three pant sizes?  How?  Where did the lost weight come from?  Maybe if he'd turn around, we'd see that he's now missing most of his ass.  I don't know...  And can I just say I think his little cowboy boots are ridiculous.  Also, he's adopted Trump's "long tie".  Not a good look, Gar.

I wonder what the congregation thought about him standing there glaring during Becky and Jacob's song?  Surely they can't think this is appropriate, can they?

S

Edited July 30, 2020 by Xan

[thoughtful]

8 hours ago, Xan said:

Also, he's adopted Trump's "long tie".

Oh, he's been wearing them (well, actually tying regular ties so the front hangs very long - he's not going to spend the extra for longer ties) for years. Maybe you just noticed it because, y'know, he's lost so much weight!  ?

No video tonight. We have nobody but ourselves to blame for not hearing the message live and in person - we were invited.

Please pray the LORD will be in. Maybe God needs a sign, like Lucy van Pelt:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Whether or weather - your choice!

Spoiler

Last night Gary didn't even preach - the Big Preacher JESUS show up.  I have mo' doubt about Gary than ever.

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

I was wondering - is The Big Preacher JESUS anything like The Big Lebowski?

Anyway, here is Becky's latest BS:

Spoiler

Yes - yes, you are still conspiracy theorists. Comments:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Gary announces that it is the last night of the revival, and the Last Days of the world are coming very soon, because these are dark times. He thanks those who helped pass out fliers during the revivial, and only wishes that someone had gotten saved.

Remember, Gary said he had a burden to do something special tonight. Can't wait!

He announces 2 Timothy 2, gives them time to find the page, then says "2 Timothy 4" and starts reading there.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A1-8&version=KJV

Aw, Gary - we've heard this many times. OK, folks - let's see if he does anything new with it, or whether we have to "endear" his well-worn crap.

"Whenever we got our governor, Governor Cooper, it was during the tahm  uh uh uh people was wanting ta fight over uh uh uh a man wantin' go into the woman's bathroom 'n' a woman's wantin' to go into a men's bathroom. Now ah never thought ah'd see a day when a woman or a man would want to go to the opposite bathrooms amen? Ah never thought ah'd see a day when min wanna be wimmin and wimmin wanna be min. Ah never thought ah'd see a day when a man would wanna date a man and a woman would wanna date a ma - a woman. Amen."

Twice, he says that Timothy is telling Paul what is written (which is backwards - you'd think by now he'd know that most of his favorite passages are Paul writing or talking to someone). He corrects the first one, but not the second.

Paul didn't have a lot of friends. Back in Bible days, some of them must have been Baptists, because they couldn't work together.

A knee-slapper, Gary.

He says that his subject is "In times like these." Old stuff.

Lots of garbled, fragmented thoughts ensue. He circles around again to these being the last seconds of the last minutes of the last days, Oliver B. Greene, steoopid laws they makin' up, getting charged up.

Since he's in Brother Mike's church, his metaphor for getting charged up is a time when Mike's "uh uh uh scooter there, wheelchair, battery problems amen?"

"Listen, hey, ammana tell ya raht now, ah hope ya didn't come to church to see Gary Hawkins, and to hear me holler 'n' spit 'n' slobber 'n' then sit down 'n' shut up."

Uh-oh - he's on to me! ? I admit it - I've come for the hollerin'! I could live without the spittin' and slobberin', but I love the malapropisms!

The old-time preachers knew what was coming. Gary's Daddy recently reminded him that, when Gary was a kid, Brother Hal was "preachin' on a tahm, that there would be a tahm when you drahve through a funeral home with a glass there and lookin' at people in the funeral home whahl you're in your vehicle." Gary tells us of this futuristic prediction with arm sweeps and pointing (Godly semaphore?) and says "it's almost to that part raht now."

Spoiler

           

What does this have to do with anything? I don't know, but at least it's new!

Gary rereads verse two, which tells preachers to "reprove, rebuke, exhort," and starts to comment on it, but seems distracted and stops for a swig of water. In a silence, we hear Becky and Jacob giggling, and Jacob tells him "You missed 'rebuke'" (which, indeed, he had).

Gary grumbles something that sounds like "Ah'm gon' rebuke you a lot." There's no humor in his tone - he's pissed about being corrected.

The hopeful part of me likes to think that Jacob wouldn't comment like that if he felt there was a real chance of getting beaten.

Gary talks about Jack Hyles, Brother Sherman (?), Carl Lackey and Hal Stolz (?). Gary, someday, you need to do a history lesson about the old-time preachers, and satisfy your need to talk about them. But 47 mentions of a bunch of guys who are long-dead does not a sermon make, dude.

If Lackey was preaching today, the Baptist preachers would kill him - "wouldn't be the outside - wouldn't be the Pharisee - it'd be the Baptist preacher. He was meaner 'n a junkyard dog."

Great - now I have Bad Bad Leroy Brown running through my head.

Lackey said he preached hard to "get the dead wood out, so we can have revival." But, Gary says once he "stepped down there from behind that pulpit, he was one of the compassionests mans I knew."

"We got a bunch o' pansies in our church today. Amen. Sissies? Amen."

That might have been more effective if the last "amen" hadn't come out in a voice somewhere between a squealing piglet and a squeeing preteen girl, Gary.

Gary says John told two disciples to "jus' go over there and sit down and shut up amen" and claims he can show us where it is in the Bible.

"Some of you lookin' at me like a calf lookin' at a new gate."

Jerry Beeson (another old-time preacher) heard a lawn mower blow up, and thought it was the second coming.

Anybody who only listens to preaching on Facebook, and doesn't go to church - no, wait, let me get an exact quote "anybody who watches my thing 'n' does that, bless God, you are straight 'n' crook - you are straight out of the Hell and CROOKED 'n' that's wrong AMEN!"

Sorry, Gary - I'm only watching your thing on Facebook. I am no camp follower.

Gary tells them that, if they ever hear anyone talking against their pasture or pasture's wife, they should be as nice as they can about it, and "tell 'em to shut up, your ears is not a garbage can, amen?"

As far as I can tell, you've been talking some trash about the Pastor's wife, Gary.

Gary hasn't been missing restaurants that much this year. Uh, maybe not this month Gary (he mentions how he "ain't eatin' but one meal a day," so now we know what the "diet" is), but you were obsessing over them in March, April and May. Anyway, he's fine staying out of them now, because he doesn't want to do "all the sacrificin'" they want him to do (that would be - you guessed it - wearing a mask).

Going on the road "costis" money. Then the usual d about how God has sent them help and money because they are faithful. God may have helped you by making your gas or water bill lower. Funny how this comes near the end of the last message, huh?

A quick trip back to governors' stupid rules, which they make up because they dream dreams or have wives. I think Gary's been reading Genesis 40 - he says maybe if they had Joseph to interpret for them, they wouldn't be so steoopid.

The usual meaningless mumbling drag to the end includes something about Miss Jeannie again, and getting along and getting on your knees, "In tahms like these."

"Becky, come to the piana."

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by thoughtful
removing extra picture

[AmazonGrace]

Does Gary believe that Jesus speaks through him?

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

Does Gary believe that Jesus speaks through him?

Oh the mental images... do you think Jesus gets frustrated with Gary's telephone version of transmitting the gospel?

[Ozlsn]

On 7/29/2020 at 1:47 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary seems to be saying that someone there is "examplin' the wrong thing." Did Pastor Mike wear a short-sleeved shirt? Is he after Jeannie the pastor's wife again for being educated and going to work?

I'll take option number two there. I am also willing to bet she corrected him on something he was mansplaining incorrectly and he's still pissed. Even more so if it was in front of others who backed her up. Because he is an abusive, arrogant and angry little man. 

I am guessing that this is one church that won't be returning his phone calls, especially if Jeannie has anything to do with it.

 

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells them that, if they ever hear anyone talking against their pasture or pasture's wife, they should be as nice as they can about it, and "tell 'em to shut up, your ears is not a garbage can, amen?"

As far as I can tell, you've been talking some trash about the Pastor's wife, Gary.

Consistency is not a strong suit.

Also in response to Becky's ongoing deep dive into coronavirus and other conspiracies:

Spoiler

Heh.

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Does Gary believe that Jesus speaks through him?

He usually says that God has told him what to say. And he says it often. Sometimes it's when he was planning a message, more often when he goes off on a tangent and claims that it wasn't part of his planned message, but God wants him to say whatever he's saying instead.

Which would be bad enough if he had a sudden inspiration to say something profound or useful. But he is often in the middle of a rambling old-time-preacher tale or dull story or offensive rant or meaningless stream of fragments when he says it.

And Gary is so dismissive of people who speak in tongues - Gary, you're a turkey having a seizure at least 50% of the time.

Gary did a live from the truck - nice to see him back in his traditional moving pulpit. He tells us they're headed for Everett PA, then Newport PA. Pray for them.

Gary says they will be going back to Heritage Baptist to help with Bible school for a week. I think that if, in fact, Jeannie is hurt by whatever the hell he was trying to say about her, she is either keeping sweet or being overruled by Mike. And for all we know, she giggles like Becky does when Gary picks on her.

Listening to these services, I hear a lot of "oh, women/men are so predictable, hahaha" and painting marriage as a battlefield crap that hasn't been part of mainstream humor for 50 years. Of course, I hope that there are lots of rebels, but it seems like that shit is acceptable to a lot of them, and they buy into the idea that, as long as you are also mocking men for being bad at cleaning, cooking and childcare, and making sly comments about how it's really the woman who gets her way, it's OK to mock women.

Gary tells us that he has some open Wednesdays and a Sunday - pray that the Lord will fill them! Gary thanks someone for tuning in, and Becky has to tell him how to pronounce the name. Just watch the road, Gary, you dangerous dick.

He tells us the church they will be at is the New Providence Bible Baptist Church. No such thing - is it this one, Gary?

https://www.facebook.com/pages/category/Church/West-Providence-Bible-Baptist-Church-112407743747425/

They've had some tragedy in recent years - hope Gary can be a comfort.

https://www.altoonamirror.com/news/local-news/2019/08/coroner-pastors-death-not-homicide/

The rest is all the usual Gary-babble. Did you know the Lord is coming soon? Just checking.

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I am also willing to bet she corrected him on something he was mansplaining incorrectly and he's still pissed. Even more so if it was in front of others who backed her up. Because he is an abusive, arrogant and angry little man. 

I agree - this seems very likely. And I've noticed how much Becky and sometimes Jacob are willing to giggle mockingly about Gary's errors - there may have been an incident or two of several people smirking about Gary's idiocies, and he pinned down Jeannie as the person to blame (since he doesn't seem willing to blame Becky).

I think the first thing he said about her was due to her being tired (and possibly mentioning that fact) after a full day at work (her office at Cornell is open from 8:00-4:30, but I don't know her hours, or if they are doing distance work right now). I figure Gary expected her to be all excited about revival, willing to clean the church, make and serve food, go out soul-winning, and stare raptly up at him during the service every weekday evening, and Sunday, for two weeks. Maybe he even thought she should play hooky from work.

I wonder if the comment about her grandchildren was due to the kids being disrespectful by Gary's standards, and his annoyance that she wasn't willing to beat them, whether by her choice or due to respect for the wishes of the kids' parents.

I'm definitely speeding down the highway on the ISB, because what he said was so weird and unclear. But most of what Gary says about children seems to be about how awful they are and how they need to be "whupped."

 

[Four is Enough]

Oh, Laws, Gary! Newport, PA never did anything bad to you. Stay away!!

I have friends there!

[Black Aliss]

On 7/27/2020 at 6:56 AM, thoughtful said:

He is very, very Trump-like. I think if Trump grew up poor and Southern, he'd be Gary.

As in, you'd like it to actually be in full sentences that say something? Yeah, I'm with you.

I wonder if any pastor has ever taken Gary aside and gently started a conversation with "Brother Gary, y'know how you ask, 3-4 times during each message 'Am I makin' sense this _______ (insert time of day, sometimes actually correct, here)?' Well, Brother, I want to talk to you . . . "

Gary says any man of God is welcome to rebuke him - go to it, pastors!

Also:

No doubt the opposite of Mercy is Democrats.

Oh, great - now I have Portia's speech running through my head, with Garyesque alterations:

The opposite of Mercy is explained, Those Democrats will keep us all from Heaven, they're from the place beneath! Ah am twice blest; ah'm blessin' you who give so ah can take.

Am I the only one who went here:

Spoiler

 

 

[Ozlsn]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

wonder if the comment about her grandchildren was due to the kids being disrespectful by Gary's standards, and his annoyance that she wasn't willing to beat them, whether by her choice or due to respect for the wishes of the kids' parents.

I found that comment extremely rude, even by Gary's standards. He really doesn't understand that antagonizing people by insulting their grandchildren is unlikely to get him repeat business. His increased fantasizing about beating children to get them to shut up worries me a lot - I would not want him alone near young children under any circumstances.

I really hope that Jacob gets away from him, and that his "preaching" opportunities dry up. 

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I think the first thing he said about her was due to her being tired (and possibly mentioning that fact) after a full day at work

Yeah, I suspect Gary has no idea what a full day of work looks like. 

[AmazonGrace]

4 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Gary has no idea what a full day of work looks like. 

Fixed it for you. 

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Am I the only one who went here:

No, you're not. In fact, I was surprised my brain went to Shakespeare before Adderley.

 

8 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I found that comment extremely rude, even by Gary's standards. He really doesn't understand that antagonizing people by insulting their grandchildren is unlikely to get him repeat business. His increased fantasizing about beating children to get them to shut up worries me a lot - I would not want him alone near young children under any circumstances.

I agree about Gary's glee in talking about beating - it's disgusting and frightening. And he clearly has no clue how to interact with other humans - his rudeness is off the charts.

We really don't know if the comment about Jeannie and grandchildren was about their behavior, or his wanting to beat them, though - that was just my speculation. Gary was too vague, and there was no way to know what that was all about. Since he seems to want to pick at Jeannie, for all we know, it had nothing to do with her being too gentle for his taste.

Becky is ready to return to Groton and make zucchini bread with Jeannie and Kristen:

Spoiler

But Gary is into the "is Providence Bible Baptist Church," and seems to have his phone set to British spellings.

Spoiler

Looks like they did find someone to be the pastor, after the previous one jumped off of a building to his death.

He runs a coin and jewelry store, appears to be a backyard dog breeder, and posts charming things like this:

Hey, Dustin  - Pennsylvania was on the Union side.

[FundMe]

On 8/1/2020 at 12:20 AM, thoughtful said:

Gary announces that it is the last night of the revival, and the Last Days of the world are coming very soon, because these are dark times. He thanks those who helped pass out fliers during the revivial, and only wishes that someone had gotten saved.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

           

 

 

So does this mean NO ONE got saved?  All week????  Isn't that his one and only job?  I mean, I get it. If being saved means acting like the Bro, that's a hard pass.  It just seems like someone (ANYONE..) would notice!  To hear him, being saved involves blood and beatings, not to mention sloth, envy, gluttony......you get my drift. No wonder the altar doth not overflow.  

While I do not believe in touching the poop, I do wish we could get an eyewitness to this debacle...

And thank you Thoughtful!! Gary's voice,  along w #45,  makes me anxious ..

[wallysmommy]

My pastor just said "if you have a Jesus bumper sticker on your car,  you'd better live up to it."  Hear that Gary!  Show, don't tell.  You're all talk and no action, you windbag of hypocrisy.  All your yelling for two weeks did nothing for the cause of Christ.  You just annoyed people and showed your bigoted, chauvinistic, mean ass.

[Black Aliss]

1 hour ago, FundMe said:

And thank you Thoughtful!! Gary's voice,  along w #45,  makes me anxious ..

Which is why I cannot stand to watch the Sarah Cooper lipsyncs.

By the way, that zucchini-cheese bread just might be the one of the most disgusting food photos I have seen in a while. Don't get me wrong, I like zucchini bread. I would probably like cheese bread. But bread with green and orange flecks in it does not appeal to me at all.

[MayMay1123]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

No, you're not. In fact, I was surprised my brain went to Shakespeare before Adderley.

 

I agree about Gary's glee in talking about beating - it's disgusting and frightening. And he clearly has no clue how to interact with other humans - his rudeness is off the charts.

We really don't know if the comment about Jeannie and grandchildren was about their behavior, or his wanting to beat them, though - that was just my speculation. Gary was too vague, and there was no way to know what that was all about. Since he seems to want to pick at Jeannie, for all we know, it had nothing to do with her being too gentle for his taste.

Becky is ready to return to Groton and make zucchini bread with Jeannie and Kristen:

  Hide contents

But Gary is into the "is Providence Bible Baptist Church," and seems to have his phone set to British spellings.

  Hide contents

Looks like they did find someone to be the pastor, after the previous one jumped off of a building to his death.

He runs a coin and jewelry store, appears to be a backyard dog breeder, and posts charming things like this:

Hey, Dustin  - Pennsylvania was on the Union side.

Hey, Dustin- he was holding it upside down and backwards. That lump has never opened a Bible in his sorry life. 

[3splenty]

54 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

 

By the way, that zucchini-cheese bread just might be the one of the most disgusting food photos I have seen in a while. Don't get me wrong, I like zucchini bread. I would probably like cheese bread. But bread with green and orange flecks in it does not appeal to me at all.

My grandma taught me how to make caraway cheese bread before her dementia got really bad.  It's still one of my favorite comfort foods.  Yummy!

Grandma was 100% Czech, so she liked her rye bread and used caraway seed in a lot of things.  Caraway seed makes me think of her. ❤️

Edited August 2, 2020 by 3splenty

[Black Aliss]

35 minutes ago, 3splenty said:

My grandma taught me how to make caraway cheese bread before her dementia got really bad.  It's still one of my favorite comfort foods.  Yummy!

Grandma was 100% Czech, so she liked her rye bread and used caraway seed in a lot of things.  Caraway seed makes me think of her. ❤️

Now you've got me contemplating an experiment with rye flour and cheese as a quick-bread.

[thoughtful]

Gary greets the congregation at West Providence Bible Baptist Church with "How many of you glad to be back in church? How many of you glad to be saved?" He gets some "amens," and says "About half of ya, amen."

The Hawkinses sing - I skipped ahead.

The decor in WPBBC seems right up Gary's alley, and creates some interesting effects as Gary preaches. Some of them are an interesting four-armed look, some look more like Gary and Jesus are boys in a chorus line who wore very different outfits to rehearsal:

Spoiler

     

I see some potential avatars.

The Baptists/food lines get laughs at this church. Gary tells Becky to deliver his water bottle - he does say please, but not thank you.

2 Corinthians 13 - https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+13%3A1-10&version=KJV

Reprobate(s) becomes "reptobate," of course, and perfection turns into "profession."

This is an "amen"ing crowd, and they seem to love Gary's end-of-the-world shit. He says he's going to give them a test, and tries to make a joke about how long schools have been closed, which ends with "The governors are so messed up, ah don't even know if we need school any more."

"But ah wanna give ya a test this mornin' on the part of uh uh uh uh make sure your salvation  - lines up with God."

He gets up to shouting level, ranting about people (Catholics, Presbyterians, Holiness, and even Baptists!) "preachin' another Jesus," Jesus getting spitten upon and mowked, then he gets lost in "Hey, I wanna tell you" and other meaningless fragments.

"I found out something - you can even preach on the love of Jesus and make people mad, amen."

Yeah, Gary, I heard your "love" message - that would make any decent human angry.

Romans 3:23 - For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God

Gary got saved on JUly 11, 1999 (just making sure you know), but his "outside" didn't, so it sometimes doesn't want to read the Bible or come to church. Gary, I thought you said you always want to come to church!

"Ya say, how d'ya know you've sinned? Because ah come up - ah wake up sweatin' sometahms, amen. Must've had a bad dream while ah'm sleepin' ah don't know, amen."

Or, perhaps, Gary, it is purely physical:

https://www.healthline.com/health/what-causes-night-sweats-in-men

Sleep apnea is on the list.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

This inspires the familiar anti-religion rant.

Romans 5:23 - For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

He ain't boastin' on Gary, he's boastin' on Jesus.

John 14:6 - Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Gary asks if they've ever heard of people gettin' ready to bury somebody saying they'll have to dig hole that's crooked, because that's the way they lived. He gets a big laugh.

We're all crooked, unless you live God's way - Heaven is straight up.

"Ah said in Sunday school it would be awful for Donald Trump to go to Hell, as much as he loves America."

So sorry you didn't record that one, Gary.

It would also be a shame, Gary says, for "a person settin' on a Bahble-believin' pew" to go to hell.

Gary, if those oak pews had beliefs, I think they'd be Druid.

"Ah deal with a lot of Catholics when ah come up here." He tells a story about one of his daughters telling a young Catholic woman with two small kids that she was welcome to come to whatever church they were sucking dry at the time (no, he didn't say it that way). The woman came, and left "about 20 minutes into the message," claiming it's because her children were getting rowdy. But Gary knows it was really because she had to choose whether to "get right or get left." God was working on her, "she knew she was under conviction, and that ain't what the Pope says."

Gary, I have a feeling that woman left because you are an offensive, raving lunatic. I'm surprised she lasted 20 minutes.

He screws up the Pope/dope joke, and says the Pope must be smoking more dope than ever, because now he claims that "Jesus, hanging on the cross, failed at what he done. And all these people believe this mess."

We hear about his sister-in-law and the Jehovah's Witness again, but not before Gary claims that, if she goes back to work (she works in a school system), "they'll have to sit six feet apart, cain't touch each other, cain't look at each other, cain't even smile at each other amen." ?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+11%3A25-26&version=KJV

Stinky Lazarus gets a mention.

Gary gets into a rhythm, repeatedly yelling (about Jesus) "How do you know He's alive?" and giving various answers.

God gave Gary his truck, and God also arranged for him to have a deal where he makes very small payments on it.

"If ya wanna have a happy wife, ya gotta take her to Walmarts as many tahms as you kin git her there amen? If she has to wear the mask and you set in the truck, hey, at least she's in Walmarts amen?"

Becky: "I only went for medicine, OK?"

And I have a lesson to teach - I shall return to finish up later.

[Xan]

While I was waiting on thoughtful's return, I went over to Gary's Facebook page.  This is the church where he seems to be preaching.  It's an old church.  The two front doors (according to Google) meant that they used to have women and men come in through separate doors and sit on different sides of the church.

Spoiler

And I think I've figured out why Gary is so fond of his cowboy boots.  They give him another inch or two of height.  I still think they look silly.

Spoiler

Now, I'm just going to go and pop back in later after thoughtful has finished her recap.  She's so much more fun to read than having to listen to Gary.

By the way, that bloody Jesus is just disgusting.

[AmazonGrace]

This picture sums up Gary: 

Jesus is back there, flailing desperately, trying to get some attention ("hey I died on the cross here, it's the least you could do to notice"). But Gary is speaking and cancels out Jesus.  It is simply impossible to see both Jesus and Gary at the same time. Because Gary isn't into that whole humble and honest and kind  and doing-anything-to-help-anyone-else nonsense. 

At the end of the day long ties are just arrows that men wear to point out their dick.