Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[samurai_sarah]

Continue from here:

 

[thoughtful]

Gary offers another courageous challenge, in his usual grammarless grunts:

 

[Alisamer]

My uncle's social media is full of random political crap - the sort that makes it seem like maybe he's playing devil's advocate, maybe he's progressive, you can never quite tell. (I think he's on the progressive side?) Plus bad jokes.

I don't know what "that uncles" social media is like.

Also, if your "news media" is "social media" yeah, definitely. Turn that off permanently.

And I find it very appropriate that the image at the top says "I'm shocked!" and is directly above a post by Gary advocating fasting. If Gary's ever fasted it was because he fell asleep in his armchair and missed afternoon snack, I'd bet.

 

 

Edited June 22, 2020 by Alisamer

[keepercjr]

Re: the wedding video of the groom pushing Michaela into position. I watched it right after she uploaded it (I think I may have posted a few screen shots to the thread) and it set off huge red flags for me.  They barely knew eachother (only met this year) and honestly I think he just wanted to have sex with her so they got married.  His facebook profile does not show any indication of any religious beliefs.  I wonder how she even met him.  According to this news clip (he got car jacked!!) he has a kid.  Michaela got real attention from a boy and so I am sure she thinks he is just the best thing since sliced bread.  How long till he starts abusing her?  She was raised by Gary.... she doesn't have a good example of what a man and husband should be.  Her mom was not involved in raising her either.  She has a lot stacked against her.  I hope he treats her kindly.

https://www.fox46.com/news/police-good-samaritan-carjacked-at-gunpoint/

[wallysmommy]

Y'all I just have to circle back to Jethere Fuqua.  First, that name is something that the Impractical Jokers would use in their name game.  For those of you who haven't seen the show,  they are a receptionist and they have to call out the names to the people waiting without laughing.  They don't see the names until they flip the page and have to say it out loud.  Names like Mary Beth BethBeth or Avocarter Fuchs or Dr. Shrimp Puerto Rico.  I can see Joe saying "Je-ther-ee Fuckwa."  

Anyway, I scanned good ole' JF's FB page and he's asking "for a friend" if it's a sin if a man let's his wife divorce him because she doesn't want to be married to him any longer.  Then more recently, he posts that his wife decided to stay with him.  I love the "for a friend" action.  

[PumaLover]

I am so sad for Michaela. I was like her at her age too. I had my first boyfriend and fell hard for the first guy who paid attention to me. Of course, we couldn't live together so we had to get married. I'd known him for four years before we got married and it was still a complete shock when we started living together. 

I'm very surprised Bro would allow her to get married to someone who already has a kid! That means he had (clutches pearls) premarital sex! Or maybe he was married before! I'm wondering if Bro didn't really approve it and that's why he was the way he was at the wedding. I have so many questions! Because I clearly have enough time on my hands I will start snooping on her and her new hubby's facebook too. (No I really don't have free time–there are plenty of useful and important things I should be doing instead of being on FJ all the time. But here I am!)

I need to know how to pronounce Jethere Fuqua's name. I see things phonetically and pronounce them that way, so in my mind it's Je-theer-ee Fuck-wa (just saw your post @wallysmommy). Is that right? LOL

And thanks @thoughtful for sharing that riveting post. I feel led to change my location yet again!

Edited June 23, 2020 by PumaLover
one last thought!

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, keepercjr said:

Re: the wedding video of the groom pushing Michaela into position. I watched it right after she uploaded it (I think I may have posted a few screen shots to the thread) and it set off huge red flags for me.

I remember that. Thanks for posting the link to the video clip from the carjacking. He seemed subdued, but he might just have been in shock.

I'm sad to say that Through the Grace of God Ministries did not have the good sense to kick Gary to the curb - only the good sense to have services indoors.

I wonder what Gary thinks of this addition:

Spoiler

The Hawkinses drag themselves through some songs - I couldn't listen to more than a few notes.

Gary starts to announce the Bible verses, then, of course, rambles in sentence fragments about gittin' to know them, and the food, and something something.

He does say they are leaving tomorrow, so the original plan of staying through the 25th is out. He says he's going to take Becky to meet the Bryants' baby.

"I don't keer 'bout babies, I mean y'know, I mean yer baby's the prettiest baby there ever was, babies 'r' babies, amen." Gary says he only wants to stop by because Bryant's' wife is going to feed him.

He tells them his upcoming itinerary - Tennessee, then "home" ? then Up North.

He seems annoyed that Jacob hasn't instantly brought him his water, and Becky says "he's just gone to wash his face." She brings Gary a water bottle.

It's a shame Gary can't sing as well as Harry Belafonte (or Allan Sherman, for that matter) - instead of acting like an entitled dick who is offended that his water didn't appear right away, he could entertain everyone with his request:

Spoiler

 

 

Finally John 2:12-26. Gary says Caprius instead of Capernaum, and reverses, leaves out and adds lots of words, as usual.

Gary's theme is that church should be fun.

Gary says that, if they ever want him to do a tent revival again, to make it in November, because that would be "God's perfect will." Very funny, Gary - you do remember that you invited yourself and your tent, don't you?

Gary gets back to his theme - if you want church to be dignified, you've got the wrong person, because he can't even spell "dignified." Hey, he said it, not me!

C'mon, Gary, stick with it - nope, he rambles and mumbles about how he has to hurry up, because someone else is going to speak, and this is his last time, and he has to get on the road, and CHURCH! Church should be fun.

OK . . . are we back on topic now? Nobody breathe . . .

The following may be record-setting, even for Bro Gary, for the most tossed word-salad ever, topped off by an offensive crouton. Ready?

"Y'know, 'n' what ah'm talkin' 'bout far as fun, no, ah mean 'n' ah unnerstand when you git little children, you gotta realize, ah remember a preacher down in South Carolina matter of fact, where mah daddy started that church years ago, and then another preacher came in, and ah went down there as a religious person and helped him out and then God saved me and saved mah life. Though whenever they built a brand new building, thank God, 'n' they did, 'n' a nice building 'n' ah'm gonna tell ya if you could see the old building, the old building's a fellowship hall, 'n' it's a nice place, but they ended - the Lord ended up givin' 'em a nice metal building and God, and everything that was done as far as money-wise 'n' thangs that's in the building were pretty well give (?). And some of these people got to complainin' ah'm gonna tell ya somethin' if you don't get some young people in your church, ah'm gonna tell ya what's gonna happen, you're gonna die.  They got to thinking - they got to complainin' about children, I wanna say somethin' to ya - ya ever get a bus route started, 'n' hey, just because you may not be a official church church or whatever ya wanna say it's be alright to reach young people. Ya ever get to doin' that, remember this much - those children on that bus route - those children that you picked up, they ARE NOT RAISED IN A NORMAL HUMAN BEIN' OF LIFE'S RAISIN', amen."

It starts at 11:41 if anybody wants to check to make sure I didn't miss anything.

He goes on to say that those bus route children have 5 moms and dads and are baby-sat by the TV.

When people complained about bubble gum being stuck under the pews, the pastor threatened to go down the road and build a church just for children.

Gary starts to say something about Brother Ralph (but forgets his name) loses his train wreck of thought, then remembers that he was talking about children, then that Ralph says nobody knows the date, and Gary agrees. But we got some signs!

"Children - they're our next future."

He says he needs to hurry up, because there's another preacher tonight - Hebrews - no, Revelations (I know this is a common mistake, but there is no S on the end, Gary) 2:1-4.

He doesn't like a lot of people, but he has to love 'em, 'cause he's saved. "People's gonna use the church all they can, 'cause if we don't help ya, we're the bad people."

Gary was a pastor once, and he couldn't last more than six months.

But he keeps exhorting them to love one another, and claiming he loves them all.

You are not convincing, Gary.

"What we gotta do we gotta get over the little petty thangs, amen  (stupid person voice) 'well, ah wouldn't do it like that.' That's the reason you're settin' down and somebody else is up here."

His father went to Hardee's and was talkin' to a church o' God. (that's what he says - I figure he means a person from the Church of God). They got a lot of false prophet doctrine. But his daddy can talk to them without arguing.

Ephesians 5:18 - Gary says "makin' Melanie in your heart" instead of "making melody" and uses this passage as an excuse to diss their use of recorded backgrounds.

"I wanna say, #2, you've lost your song." He walks to the front edge of the platform and looks at them very solemnly:

Spoiler

"I wanna say somethin' to ya. Not all of this canned music stuff is all bad, but some - most of it is. Ya gotta be viry careful, amen? Does that make sinse? Amazinggracehowsweetthesound" then something mumbled - I think it's "has that got too old to sing?"

He goes on about "losing your song," and is so incoherent, it is hard to tell how insulting he is being, or what his point is.

He tells us again about the young man in upstate NY who can't carry a tune in a bucket. This time we get the added news that "he's not quite all there."  

"Ah don't remember her name, but she was the blind lady, she wrote a lot of songs." "She written them songs about God."

I remember her name - it was Fanny Crosby.

"Most of the churches are dead as 4:00 - I mean four AM."

He does finally say that every time he's "heard her sing" - he points into the congregation, so I don't know if it's Gospel Pianist or Recorded Accompaniment Belter - he believes it's comin' from her heart.

Gary gets all bolloxed up, announcing one verse and starting to read, then finding his place - 1 Corinthians 2:1-4. Gary reads  "when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God" as "when I come to you, come not with exililly of speech or of wisdom, desclaring unto you the testimony of God."

I think that exillily desclaring things pretty much describes Gary's preaching.

In verse 4, he freezes before "demonstration," takes a few cracks at it - "in - in - mon - mon - what's that word Becky?" She says "demonstration," and he says  "ministration."

Gary, seriously, have you ever been to an audiologist or otologist? Or at least tried this stuff:
https://www.debrox.com/

"I wanna say #3 - preachin'. There's a lot o' people can get up here and make - and take Scripture, but you need to be sayin' somethin'."

Damn - another irony meter bites the dust.

"Johnny the Baptist." Gary, you make him sound like a character in a 1950s western. I think I need to write the theme song.

And I need to split this up into two posts, because what he said next needs to not be buried in a long one.

Edited June 23, 2020 by thoughtful

[AmazonGrace]

If Jacob is too slow bringing in Gary's snacks it counts as fasting

[thoughtful]

Gary rants about the prosperity gospel, and how much he hates it. In his word jumble about people who come to church just to get things, he gets back on the subject of the "guy" who came the other day looking for the sale they have regularly at TTGOG, but didn't want to stay for church.

I was just thinking "at least he didn't make a point of the man's race this time," when Gary checked off yet another box on my How Could One Person Fit Every Stereotype bingo card:

"But y'know what, I'm not really pickin' on that guy that that come in here the other day that was lookin' for the sales 'n' evything. I unnerstand ya look for a good deal, amen. I got a little bit o' Jew in me, y'say why? I'll Jew down anybody, amen."

Gary:

Spoiler

Oh, wait - he was a Jew from The North (Mashashoosetts, no less), playing a logical, articulate alien. Here, this guy is more your style:

Spoiler

On to higher education!

"Ya ain't always gotta hire the high-dollar guys.  Ah'm not aginst college until it takes you to bein' a fool."

The learning took place at local churches in the Bible. "You say, 'ah don't agree with that.' I don't care. You show me in the Bible where it says college."

Without vision, the people perish. Gary's got a vision for the Hawkins Family Ministry. The Lord gave him a tent, and this year, finally . . . but he goes off on to his "many names for Coronoavirus" riff, and his point is forgotten.

Speaking of the virus, "We got a second round comin' of that mess."

Yes, we know, dickwad - you may have been responsible for some of that.

"Death does happen."

His mother's kidneys are discussed, and a cousin who died, and lots more of Gary's usual rambling about death and the blood of Jesus.

He ends with a story about how one of his Facebook videos inspired a man to ask God where he should go and evangelize, and God said Mexico. Gary is so inspiring.

In conclusion, Gary thinks he has made the point that church should be fun, clearly and in an organized fashion. "You ain't gotta have honky-tonks, and you ain't gotta have the smokey - smoke things comin' up, and all that kinda stuff, but you can have Jesus and have fun."

Not with you preaching, Gary. I think you wore them out - it was awfully quiet in there whenever you asked for "amens."

Since Gary already doesn't approve of their music anyway, I have some suggestions.

Tonight:

Spoiler

 

Tomorrow morning:

Spoiler

 

And for tomorrow evening - this is perfectly traditional Gospel, and nobody needs to know it has a double meaning:

Spoiler

 

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, PumaLover said:

I need to know how to pronounce Jethere Fuqua's name.

I believe it's Jeh-thair Foo-quah.

My father loved interesting-sounding names, real or invented. I joke that he had so many nicknames for me that I was a teenager before I knew my real name.

Some of my most poignant "damn - I wish Dad was still alive" moments come when I hear a name that he'd love.

I wish he'd lived long enough to see Benedict Cumberbatch launch his career, for example. And I wish I'd known about Jethere Fuqua and the late, great filmmaker Estus Pirkle while Dad was still around.

 

 

[forgetmenow]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I believe it's Jeh-thair Foo-quah.

My father loved interesting-sounding names, real or invented. I joke that he had so many nicknames for me that I was a teenager before I knew my real name.

Some of my most poignant "damn - I wish Dad was still alive" moments come when I hear a name that he'd love.

I wish he'd lived long enough to see Benedict Cumberbatch launch his career, for example. And I wish I'd known about Jethere Fuqua and the late, great filmmaker Estus Pirkle while Dad was still around.

My dad and I do that, too!  He keeps a little list next to his chair so he can jot them down as he hears them.  One of my current favorites is the basketball player Ivica Zubac (which the announcers pronounce "e-VEETS-a zoo-BOTS").  I've alarmed my dogs by randomly exclaiming "Zubac!" on many occasions.  Such a satisfying combination of sounds.

During one semester's film class in college, "Michelangelo Antonioni" was on a constant background loop in my brain for at least a week.

Edited June 23, 2020 by forgetmenow

[Alisamer]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"I don't keer 'bout babies, I mean y'know, I mean yer baby's the prettiest baby there ever was, babies 'r' babies, amen." Gary says he only wants to stop by because Bryant's' wife is going to feed him.

Why does this not surprise me. 

Gary doesn't care about anyone who doesn't feed him. 

Quote

He seems annoyed that Jacob hasn't instantly brought him his water, and Becky says "he's just gone to wash his face." She brings Gary a water bottle.

OK, two things. First, and most important - Gary, you know you want water, so take it up there with you! Or stash it under the podium ahead of time! I think he just has Jacob bring him one so people will see him being catered to and think he's more important than he is.

Second, what was going on that Jacob had to go wash his face in the middle of a church service?

Quote

He goes on to say that those bus route children have 5 moms and dads and are baby-sat by the TV.

Seems like if there really were 5 moms and dads, they wouldn't need the TV to babysit them.

And coming from Gary and Becky, who only have ONE of their multiple children with them full time, and whose kids do actually have multiple parents (Becky's kids have their dad and his partner plus her and Gary, that's four. Gary's have him and Becky plus their mom - is she remarried? If so they have four.) this is ridiculous. 

Becky's kids essentially have three dads, do they not? (Dad in the loosest definition. I doubt Gary is really much more than a sperm donor when it comes down to it, and not much of a stepdad at all.)

Quote

"Children - they're our next future."

I'm more worried about our current future.

Which is probably improved by the fact that only one of Gary's kids is actually with him full time.

Quote

Gary was a pastor once, and he couldn't last more than six months.

It took that long to find a new one, I bet. Finding a pastor isn't a quick process. 

Quote

In verse 4, he freezes before "demonstration," takes a few cracks at it - "in - in - mon - mon - what's that word Becky?" She says "demonstration," and he says  "ministration."

Seeing Becky being Gary's straight man is hilarious. I hope he realizes how lost he'd be without her. She's his brain, cook, kid's schoolteacher, laundress, etc. And probably people are more likely to donate to them to help her than grifting Gary.

She's just as awful, don't get me wrong. Maybe worse in her beliefs because she is educated and seems reasonably intelligent while Gary is one of those people who prompts older Southern people to shake their heads and say "well, he don't know no better" while thinking "if that boy had half a brain he'd still be missing half". But she's probably more sympathetic to their congregations than Gary is. 

I'm honestly amazed at how aggressively stupid Gary is. I'm even more amazed that former nurse Becky, who clearly knows he's an idiot, has stuck with him despite that. 

[Four is Enough]

Oh, @thoughtful, Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks!!

Thank you so much!!

Here's another!

 

 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Second, what was going on that Jacob had to go wash his face in the middle of a church service?

Maybe it was a euphemism - Becky's way of trying not to announce that Jacob had to go pee.

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I'm honestly amazed at how aggressively stupid Gary is.

He really is one of those people who is stranger than fiction, isn't he?

[griffin]

thoughtful: "losing his trainwreck of thought"

Best thing describing Gary I've EVER seen!

[smittykins]

9 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

My dad and I do that, too!  He keeps a little list next to his chair so he can jot them down as he hears them.  One of my current favorites is the basketball player Ivica Zubac (which the announcers pronounce "e-VEETS-a zoo-BOTS").  I've alarmed my dogs by randomly exclaiming "Zubac!" on many occasions.  Such a satisfying combination of sounds.

During one semester's film class in college, "Michelangelo Antonioni" was on a constant background loop in my brain for at least a week.

I’ve been meaning to start a list of alternative cuss words.  “Zubac” would fit right in. ?

[thoughtful]

22 minutes ago, griffin said:

thoughtful: "losing his trainwreck of thought"

Best thing describing Gary I've EVER seen!

I can't begin to tell you how happy you've just made me. 

I have always admired the members of my family who can sit quietly while the rest of us are carrying on at a family party, then calmly say the funniest thing that has been said all night.

But it does not come naturally to me. I have to force myself to just quietly slip something like that in and hope that someone notices - no bolding or italics or emoji or "see what I did there."

so much for noticing!

Edited June 23, 2020 by thoughtful
clarity

[AmazonGrace]

That's why we hang out in this thread, @thoughtful

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

That's why we hang out in this thread, @thoughtful

Aw, thanks! Little does Gary know that making us laugh through our disgust may be the only service he is providing to humanity.

Gary was live while driving again, singing along with (and yelling over) Thank You Lord For Your Blessings on Me, while looking almost exclusively at the phone or over at Becky, gesturing and tapping.

When he starts yelltelling us about their plans, Becky says "better turn that down, they can't hear ya," so he does, but not much, so he's still yelling to be heard.

"Ya ain't gotta be rich, just let God pay the bills, amen."

Gary lists things for which he is thankful, and just as he is saying that all of his children are healthy, Becky says "There was a wreck right there."

Gary says "There was a wreck back there?" and looks:

Spoiler

He says "My my my. Pray for the wreck over here outside of Birmingham."

Becky says more, but I can't hear her over the music. I think the words "just happened" and "flipped" are in there, though.

Gary goes right into preacher mode: "It just happened. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ. Ah'm tellin' ya right now, I put so many miles on this truck, so many miles on vehicles over the last seven years, and ah haven't been in an accident ONE TAHM, thank God for that. It's only by the grace of God."

Becky reminds him of the accident they were just in the other day, and Gary says he meant "a bad accident."

As he repeats that it's "the grace of God, protectin' us, amen?' he makes a big circular motion - with both hands off of the wheel.

"I got angels all around my corners, amen."

Quintessential Gary - the fact that he was multi-tasking while driving (and, let's face it, Gary can't even uni-task), to the point where he didn't even notice a wreck, doesn't make him think for a split second about his bad driving habits - he just goes right to "Jesus favors me."

Gary, keep the kid you still have with you healthy - stop driving like an asshole.

He reminds us that they're going to visit their friends to "let Becky hold this baby for a little bit."

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[AmazonGrace]

You're telling me that Gary passed a carwreck and never even noticed because he was facebooking?

Jesus take the wheel.

[Alisamer]

6 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

You're telling me that Gary passed a carwreck and never even noticed because he was facebooking?

Jesus take the wheel.

Well that's what he's hoping for.

I also would be willing to bet that he's one of those "kids and their damn phones" and "shut up and drive" people. Just not for himself, of course. 

[thoughtful]

37 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

You're telling me that Gary passed a carwreck and never even noticed because he was facebooking?

That's what I'm telling you. It may have happened very shortly before they went by.

Did I mention it was raining?

Check it out, starting at about 3:45:

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by thoughtful
clarity

[AmazonGrace]

It's raining because he got his windshield wipers on.

Edited June 23, 2020 by AmazonGrace
Vipers

[thoughtful]

Becky posted pictures of herself holding the Bryants' new baby. The post is sweet, and she is clearly enjoying his incredible cuteness. Speaking of cuteness:

Rascal waits on the arm of the chair for Becky to return her attention to him.

Now, if she only wasn't a self-righteous racist and Trump-humper who enables a truly shitty man . . .

Edited June 24, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Another video, while driving, in the dark. Gary starts to greet us, and Becky is hysterically laughing at something, and, I think, pounding on the ceiling of the truck - it seems like she's laughing at him, but I can't figure out what she's saying.

Gary: "Down here, over here, up here, down here, 'round here, over here, something, well we're here in Gatlinburg. Gatlinburg, um . . . "
Jacob: "Tennessee."
Becky: "Tennessee."

Gary's wondering if anyone will sign in, and Becky interrupts with "Do you know where you're going?"
Gary: "Yeah, ahdo. Where's mah road at? Ah have to take a left, right?"
Becky: "Just let you know, I have no clue."
Gary: "Git yer phone out, and git it done."

Gary wanders, both mentally and in the car, then:

Gary: "Somebody give us a gift card to a uh . . . "
Becky: "Dave and Buster's.
Gary: "Dave and Buster's. Ah'd never heard of it before, it's an adult . . . "
Becky: "Chucky Cheese."
Gary: "Chucky Cheese."

Gary didn't like the rock 'n' roll music at the restaurant, and he complains about it (but that mess is everywhere these days), then tells us that the food was good and they played games, while Becky, Jacob and Becky's phone all try to give him driving directions.

Becky puts in a plug for Tupperware. Gary reminds us that he doesn't know what you use it for, and he's advertisin' Jesus.

"Ya wanna meet Jesus, talk to me."

Or just walk in front of the truck.