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Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!


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So I'm guessing the 'outsmarting the cashless stores' is coming from the usual mark of the beast stuff plus some additional government tracking you paranoia? 

I expect the actual effect of this will be a surcharge on transactions under a certain amount, or rounding up to the nearest dollar. 

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17 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

So I'm guessing the 'outsmarting the cashless stores' is coming from the usual mark of the beast stuff plus some additional government tracking you paranoia? 

That, plus an attempt at tax evasion may be why people like Becky and Gary may generally prefer using cash, in normal times.

But my first thought is that it was just another babyish "We don't wanna do the things that businesses and governments want us to do to be safe and protect others from the coronavirus" reaction.

Gary again - :roll: at "socialist distancing." Wonder how long it will take before this has the "false news" warning on it.

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Gary, you are untrustworthy, refuse to take personal responsibility, and are determined to be another Typhoid Mary, so Kristi's plan wouldn't have worked for you.

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26 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

So I'm guessing the 'outsmarting the cashless stores' is coming from the usual mark of the beast stuff plus some additional government tracking you paranoia? 

If they don't want to be tracked, why do they have facebook? 

 

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1 minute ago, Maggie Mae said:

If they don't want to be tracked, why do they have facebook? 

Because they're not making the connection between giving corporations your data and their ability to track you. I would bet that neither Gary nor Becky know just how much data Facebook has on them, and how easily trackable they actually are. They think of it as something to keep in contact with people/preach at people with, not as a vast data mine.

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Gary posted:

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 He got this comment:

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This one, Joe? Just this one? Anyway, Gary corrected it.

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Well, sort of.

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14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Today's reminder has no spelling errors, just over-capitalization and random punctuation. Maybe one of the six-year-olds at VBS helped.

  Hide contents

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 Bro Gary was [thisclose] to acing his spelling, but if you look, he says to tell someone JESUS loves ‘then’ and will save ‘them.’ Isn’t it good to know there are some things you can still count on? :goldfish:

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11 hours ago, Lillymuffin said:

Bro Gary was [thisclose] to acing his spelling, but if you look, he says to tell someone JESUS loves ‘then’ and will save ‘them.’ Isn’t it good to know there are some things you can still count on? 

Well, look at that - I missed it entirely. Thank you.

I hope I'm not starting to see Gary's writing as normal.

That would be bad.

7 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

WTF has he got against people who are trying to save his life

Really - being a big baby and "owning the libs" has become more important than safety.

Of course, he's just generally obsessed with death - he also jokes about being angry at Becky for waking him up when he stops breathing, because he was so close to Heaven. ?

Today's pissy, cranky, randomly capitalized lecture:

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OK Folks, Bro posted this last Wed.  But it now looks like he’s deleted it.  Apparently this Pastor told one of his sheep to leave town.  Gary’s upset because now she can’t put monies in Bro’s collection plate.  Gary must be very unpleasant if you don’t agree with him, abusive even.

Spoiler

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Bro doesn’t like stupid statements.  There goes another irony meter.

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Why would it be wrong to leave your town?

Jesus himself left his town.

Edited by AmazonGrace
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4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Today's pissy, cranky, randomly capitalized lecture:

image.png.3f17a99cdadd690e93d425ad2eb38d60.png

Does Bro Gary think that commas are from Satan?

And I'm not sure what level of proof he needs from a person who claims he is saved.  Does he think God does hand stamps?  Punch cards?  Or does Gar think he himself possesses some secret talent for just being able to discern whether or not one is faking being saved?

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It is all about mathematics and can be expressed as a simple equation, X= Y + Z

wherein X = "you have been saved",

Y = "you say you have been saved"

and Z= "Gary doesn't dislike you"

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1 hour ago, Xan said:

Does he think God does hand stamps?  Punch cards?  

Green stamps. Each book you fill gets you a little closer to the pearly gates. 

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Y'all, he can tell by your testimony! You got to live your testimony!

Some would look for kindness, an open mind, helping the poor and those suffering from the prejudice of others, and a humble demeanor.

Gary would look for long sleeves, long slacks (or skirt if you're a woman) no mask, a Trump bumper sticker, and a hand that is putting money in his KFC bucket.

Newest post:

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Progress Road - irony abounds.

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4 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

OK Folks, Bro posted this last Wed.  But it now looks like he’s deleted it.  Apparently this Pastor told one of his sheep to leave town.  Gary’s upset because now she can’t put monies in Bro’s collection plate.  Gary must be very unpleasant if you don’t agree with him, abusive even.

  Hide contents

EF71E2C7-E308-4EA3-A7C1-291C737EF3CC.jpeg.180d8e96d8a529e14d61db9185c1aab4.jpeg

Bro doesn’t like stupid statements.  There goes another irony meter.

Now why would a pastor advise a woman to leave town? There are many positive reasons that might annoy Gary (education, employment, caring for elderly parents), but would that prompt this level of vitriol or be described as "encouraging someone to do wrong"?

Unfortunately I can visualise Gary getting aggro if the pastor encouraged her to flee an abusive marriage, or even to leave to marry someone from a different (NIV, the horror!) faith.

It feels like there's a lot more to this story, and I want to know it!

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Of course, he's just generally obsessed with death - he also jokes about being angry at Becky for waking him up when he stops breathing, because he was so close to Heaven

Becky, you heard it from his own mouth... if he stops breathing then for the love of God don't wake him up!! Pretend not to notice, and/or go back to sleep. If he wakes, it's God's will. Ditto if he doesn't.

Just keep in mind that helping him to Heaven faster is still a prosecutable offence, even if he did ask you to.

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10 hours ago, Xan said:

Does Bro Gary think that commas are from Satan?

And I'm not sure what level of proof he needs from a person who claims he is saved.  Does he think God does hand stamps?  Punch cards?  Or does Gar think he himself possesses some secret talent for just being able to discern whether or not one is faking being saved?

Maybe he should go ahead and mark those people he thinks are saved. I think the Bible says something about the right hand or the forhead. 

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So deluded:

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Gary posted it, too, but with a GODLY intro:

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And get your maskless self to church:

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Sunday morning service at Log Cabin started at 11:00. I guess they're not early risers, or maybe they serve breakfast between Sunday school and church. Bet I know what brand of syrup they put on their pancakes!

The Hawkinses sing. I listened long enough to hear that Jacob is starting to find his notes a bit better - nice to know he is getting used to his deeper voice.

Gary goes to the lectern, and tells them where he met their "pasture."  Becky brings his water.

Spoiler

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+2%3A8-20&version=KJV

It's Christmas in August!

There was no other person like Jesus, ever. "Jesus is alahv, Mohammed's in Hell burnin', amen?" Buddha is also burning in Hell - you know the drill. He falls immediately into repetitive sing-song of predictable phrases about Jesus.

He tells his story about arguing with someone on Facebook about whether you can lose your salvation, then returns to his theme; "never was anyone lahk Jesus."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+4%3A28-30&version=KJV

Gary stops in the middle of verse(s) 28 to remind us that this is about "the Samaritan woman that the Jews didn't have nothin' to do with."

People die all the time. Jesus knows when you're going to die. Wow, Gary, it took you several minutes to get to death - that's slow, for you. Then he gets right to insulting Democratic governors and people who don't want to go to church in person. I guess he's feeling confident that this new group is his kind.

Saved people are for the second coming as John the Baptist was for the first - the forerunners of Jesus. No ego there.

Mark 5:25-29

KJV: And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,
And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,
When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.
For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.
And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.

 BGV: And the Bible says that a certain woman, and here's a woman that has spent all she has, here's a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,
And he suffered, and had suffered many thangsss and of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and and and was nothing better, but rather grew worse,
ah - when she had heard of Jesus, and come into - she had heard of Jesus, and come into the press behind, and touch his garment.
For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.
And straightway the fountain, fountain of her blood was drahd up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of the issue.

Only Jesus can make you whole. Kenneth Copland couldn't kill the virus, but Jesus can. "Ah know Jesus personally enough that ah know that he can wipe this away." But Gary believes He's "trahin' to git America woke up."

There was an earthquake in NC, and Gary's never heard of that happening before, so it must be Jesus. Sorry, Gary: https://deq.nc.gov/about/divisions/energy-mineral-land-resources/north-carolina-geological-survey/geologic-hazards/earthquakes-north-carolina

Back to the woman in Mark: "Her blood got taken away, and she got Jesus' blood, amen? That's makes a big difference."

Gary gets to Jesus helping him go on a diet, but adds this aside about the word diet: "Whoever made up that word, amma tell you raht now, they need to have the daylights beat out of 'em amen."

Sounds like Gary has reached the point at which young and middle-aged men stop walking around boasting "what's the big deal? This is easy! I'm losing 8 pounds a week!"

He tells us more about his daily eating habits, including making sure we know that Sundays are different because people expect him to eat whatever they serve him at church.

John 9:12-16

KJV:  Then said they unto him, Where is he? He said, I know not.
They brought to the Pharisees him that aforetime was blind.
And it was the sabbath day when Jesus made the clay, and opened his eyes.
Then again the Pharisees also asked him how he had received his sight. He said unto them, He put clay upon mine eyes, and I washed, and do see.
Therefore said some of the Pharisees, This man is not of God, because he keepeth not the sabbath day. Others said, How can a man that is a sinner do such miracles? And there was a division among them.

BGV: Then said they unto him, Where is he? He said, I know not.
They brought uh the Pharisees to him - Pharisees - and they brought to the Pharisees hi- him that aforetime was blind.
And it was the seventh day when Jesus made the clay, and opened his eyes.
Then again the Pharisees asked him how he had received his sight. He said unto them, He put clay upon mine eyes, and I worshed, and do see.
Therefore some said of the Pharisees, This man is not of God, because he keepeth not the seventh day. Others said, How can a man that is a sinner do such miracles and there was a division among them.

Only Jesus can open the eyes of the blind. This somehow gets him back to his dystopian fantasies of the government breaking into church to shut it down, and his sad "tell them it's a protest" joke.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+8%3A35-39&version=KJV

Again, read with all kinds of errors, deletions and additions to the sacred text that must never be altered. :roll:  Nothing funny or egregious enough to type out this time, though.

He babbles incoherently for a while, then tells the horrible story of the teen girl who was told it was her last chance, then died in a car fire.

And I see by the clock on the clubhouse wall that I don't have time to tell you what Gary does next, until after my afternoon appointments. Here's a teaser, though - he garbles the story of the loaves and fishes horribly-wonderfully, and I can hardly wait to tell you more!

I shall return . . .

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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Only Jesus can make you whole. Kenneth Copland couldn't kill the virus, but Jesus can. "Ah know Jesus personally enough that ah know that he can wipe this away." But Gary believes He's "trahin' to git America woke up."

I don't get this whole "trying to wake us all up!" fantasy. He's the Son of God. Why stick your message in the mouths of babbling fools, or in wildly differing interpretations of symbols when you could just write it across the sky in blazing letters? That'd wake everyone up.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary gets to Jesus helping him go on a diet, but adds this aside about the word diet: "Whoever made up that word, amma tell you raht now, they need to have the daylights beat out of 'em amen."

And... straight to violent metaphor. Not convincing me here Gary.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Back to the woman in Mark: "Her blood got taken away, and she got Jesus' blood, amen? That's makes a big difference."

... Gary, I think you missed the point, not to mention altered the unalterable text a bit.

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15 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

I don't get this whole "trying to wake us all up!" fantasy. He's the Son of God. Why stick your message in the mouths of babbling fools, or in wildly differing interpretations of symbols when you could just write it across the sky in blazing letters? That'd wake everyone up.

 

That's because Jesus doesn't really want to wake everyone up, just a chosen few. Some people's hearts are hardened because on the last day of Doom the Garys of this world need their chance to neener neener and point at people and say, serves you right for not listening to muh ramblings.

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1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

That's because Jesus doesn't really want to wake everyone up, just a chosen few. Some people's hearts are hardened because on the last day of Doom the Garys of this world need their chance to neener neener and point at people and say, serves you right for not listening to muh ramblings.

But, but, @AmazonGrace, he says he doesn't want anyone to go to Hell! I can't imagine why we don't believe him - must be something about the affect of rage bubbling just under the surface that he projects.

OK, folks - loaves and fishes - Matthew 14:13-21

KJV: When Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into a desert place apart: and when the people had heard thereof, they followed him on foot out of the cities.
And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick.

 And when it was evening, his disciples came to him, saying, This is a desert place, and the time is now past; send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages, and buy themselves victuals.
 But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give ye them to eat.
 And they say unto him, We have here but five loaves, and two fishes.
 He said, Bring them hither to me.
 And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.

 And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the fragments that remained twelve baskets full.
 And they that had eaten were about five thousand men, beside women and children.

BGV: And when Jesus heard of him - of it, he departed thence by the ship into. The desert place. Apart and when the people had heard thereof, they followed him on the foot out - on the foot out of the city.
And Jesus went forth, and saw the great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sickness and when He was evening - evening. His disciples came to him, saying, This is a desert place, and the time is now past; send the multitude away, that we may go into the villages, and buy themselves * vi- visuals.
But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give them. To eat and they said unto them, We have  but five loaves of, and two fishes.
He said, He said, Brang them hither to me.
And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the. Grass, and took. The five loaves, and the two fishes, and looked up at the heaven, and he blessed them, and brake, and gave the loaves of - the loaves of - - - -  disciples, and the disciples to the multitude and they did eat, and were filled: and uh they took up of the fragments that remained twelve baskets full and they that eaten were - were about five thousand men, besides women and children.

*Long hesitation here. Gary, "victuals" is "vittles," and you can't get a more Southern US, country-boy, food-related word than that! How could you not know it?

He tells a story about a woman who came to their recent revival, and gave Becky a $20 bill, even though she said her "light bill" wasn't paid. Next month's bill came, and she found out she had overpaid the previous month.

First of all, :roll:. Secondly, that sounds like faith healer, prosperity gospel, chain letter, fake Internet Nigerian prince shit, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+11%3A29-44&version=KJV

Stinky Lazarus, with more errors and stumbles than I have patience to type, leads to Gary's salvation story, complete with date and address. Jesus wept, indeed.

Luke 24:1-12 - KJV:  Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:
And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
And they remembered his words,
And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.

BGV: Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the mornin', they came unto the SEPticker, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them and they found the stone rolled away from the SEPtickers and they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
Now it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout behold, two men stood behind them in shining garments and as they were afraid and bowed down uh their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
He is not here, but He is risen remember how he spake unto you when he was eh eh eh yet at Galilee saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and he crucifahd - be crucifahd, and the third day rahs again and they remembered his words and returned from the SEPticker, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest and it was Mary Magdalene and Jo - Joanna, and Mary the mother of James and the other woman that was with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
Then arose Peter, and ran unto the septicker; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves and departed wondering in himself at the which was to come.

So what does Gary get from the resurrection story? Some religions think Jesus is still in the grave, some think he's still on the cross, but He's alive and in control. You have the right (if the Lord tarries his coming and you're still alive) to go to the booth and vote, but God is in control.

Thanks, Gary. As long as it's not Trump and Putin.

"If we would believe with the faith of a mustard seed . . . " Now he's not moving the mountain with the seed, but he thinks the seed has faith. He's getting closer!

See, Gary, this is where the KJV might be holding you back. It says:

 verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

That "faith as" means "faith as tiny as," and, if you'd let some interpretation in there, since you never quote it accurately anyway, it might help. The NIV you despise says:

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

When telling them they should get as excited about God as they do about their kids' achievements, he "jokes" that he's still waiting for his children to do something good.

He tells them to go home and practice "amen"ing into the mirror.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+19%3A1-10&version=KJV

The story of wee little Zaccheus leads to a wee little joke (the Pharisee/Saducee thing) which gets no laugh at all.

Gary limps to the end.

I have to go cook some visuals.

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9 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary limps to the end.

Rufus bless you for listening to that windbag.  

I took a peek and just skipped to a couple of places.  I had the bad fortune to first land on Gary talking about how he enjoyed whipping his children and he said he didn't lie to them and tell them that it was "gonna hurt me worse than it hurt them".  Hateful little man.

In the second spot, Gary was talking about Solomon having 300 (what sounded like) "corkubines".  I guess that makes Solomon a reptobate.  That's it.  He's still mean and stupid.  Backing out of the video.

I think he's getting worse.  I'm not sure whether it's just that he doesn't have that much material and he just repeats it or if his anger over the current state of affairs is making him too pissy to preach.  Either way, I don't know how much longer even fundamentalists are going to want to listen to him.  He can't really read without stumbling.  His habit of wiping his face all the time is fairly disgusting.  And I'm really aware that he wears those cowboy boots in every video and how bad must they smell by now...

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OK, folks, Gary also preached at the afternoon service, no doubt after eating something just to be polite, and recovering from trying to pronounce "sepulchre" (which I admit is not easy for anyone).

Hmmmm . . . maybe he didn't eat. After reading about the loaves and fishes earlier (which I don't remember him using in a message, except as an aside, before), now he is reading about the fast and temptation of Jesus, which I also don't remember him reading in the past.

I think he's pissed off at God for keeping him on his diet. Just what we need - a hangry Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+4%3A1-11&version=KJV

As ever, there are lots of stumbles, errors, additions, deletions and modern words from some other Bible Gary must have read from before he was saved.

His theme is the uniqueness of the Devil, to bookend this morning's message.

He tells a story of people street preaching, and witches walking by and casting curses on them.

The Devil is tempting people to stay home from church, sending bad music for children, etc.

Matthew 26:14-16, KJV: Then one of the twelve, called Judas Iscariot, went unto the chief priests,
And said unto them, What will ye give me, and I will deliver him unto you? And they covenanted with him for thirty pieces of silver.
And from that time he sought opportunity to betray him.

BGV: Then one of the twelve, called Judas ASScariot, went unto the chief priests and said unto them, Whah will ye give me, and ah - what will ye give me, and I will deliver to you? And they coveted with him for thirty pieces of silver.
And from that time on - from that time he sought opportunity to petr - betray him.

In his follow up, he says ASScariot even more clearly.

The Devil is tempting people to stay home from church. Still. Same as 10 minutes ago.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+3%3A3-6&version=KJV

Eve was perfectly made, and the Devil even fooled her.

Gary tells them about a woman from another church who he didn't want to have anything to do with - he tells us various bad things she did, then says he didn't want to talk to her because . . . can you guess?  . . .

Spoiler

she's a gossip!

Then he tells them about a church breakup and infighting in Pennsylvania, with vague hints and sentence fragments. Gary, it's hard to speak against gossip, using real life as an example, without resorting to gossip yourself. Give it up.

He tells a story from his childhood, about a man who God called to go to Mexico, and, after a survey trip, decided he didn't want to go. He started spreading rumors, because if you don't do what God calls you to do, the Devil tells you what to do. He eventually pressured the pastor out and tried to lead the church himself, and somehow that led to a boy (his son?) driving a motorcycle into a fence and dying, and in six months the man died. It starts at 16:41, if anyone wants to listen for themselves and try to make sense of it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+22%3A54-62&version=KJV

Then took they him, and led him, and brought him into the high priest's house. And Peter followed afar off.
And when they had kindled a fire in the midst of the hall, and were set down together, Peter sat down among them.
But a certain maid beheld him as he sat by the fire, and earnestly looked upon him, and said, This man was also with him.
And he denied him, saying, Woman, I know him not.
And after a little while another saw him, and said, Thou art also of them. And Peter said, Man, I am not.
And about the space of one hour after another confidently affirmed, saying, Of a truth this fellow also was with him: for he is a Galilaean.
And Peter said, Man, I know not what thou sayest. And immediately, while he yet spake, the cock crew.
And the Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.
And Peter went out, and wept bitterly.

BGV: Then took they him, and led him, and brought him into the priest's - the high priest's house. And Peter followed afar off.
And when they had kindled a fire in the midst of the hall, and  - and were set down others together, Peter sat down among them.
But a certain maid - maiden held - beheld him as he sat by the fire, and earnestly looked upon him, and said, This man was also with him.
And he denied saying, Woman, I know not this - I know not him.
And afterwards a little while another saw him, and said, Thou art also of them. And Peter said, Man, I am not.
And about the space of an hour another - another - confirmed - confidally confirmed, saying, Of a truth thy fellow also was with him: for he is a Galil - Galilaean.
And Peter said, Man, I know not what thou sayeth. And immediately, while the he yet spake, the cock crowed.
And the Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered that the words of the Lord, and he said  - had said unto him, becau - before the cock crows twice thou shalt deny me and Peter went out and wept bitterly.

Gary  - this is a well-known story. Peter denies three times, the cock crows once. Try to get it right.

Be careful who your friends are. Gary tells them about a woman who lives next door to an Assembly of God church, but attends the Baptist church in her town. Whenever she sits on her porch, the Assembly of God "preacher, or priest, or whatever he issss" goes over and tries to convince her to come to his church.

"That's not a friend, amen? 'Cause Assembly of God don't even know what the doctrine of the Bahble is - in fact, they don't even know what the Bahble is."

"One the young ladies" (from where? who knows - he just suddenly launches into this) puts stuff on Facebook she shouldn't, talking about being depressed, and other people post trying to get her out of her church. And she told her "pasture" she like his preaching better, but she liked their "rock & roll" music better.

That was not enlightening, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=judges+16%3A17-20&version=KJV

Delilah has the Ph'LISTines shave of Samson's locks, and Gary reads most of it wrong.

Gary whines about people being miserable because they're not going to church any more.

When Gary does wrong, God takes him out to the woodshed. God doesn't spank him, "He beats the daylights outta me."

So you are now retaining your snot during these beatings, but losing your daylights. Got it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+16%3A19-23&version=KJV

Lazarus and the rich man, misread as usual.

God will give you better stuff than you can work for.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A12-13&version=KJV

God's got rules for you.

Some parents lie, and tell their children that whuppin' them is gonna hurt the parent more than the child. "Ah enjoy whuppin' mah children, amen." ?

I am happy to tell you that nobody says "amen" back at him.

Oh, but he admits it's easier on him when his children listen in the first place. Guess he's worried about his bum shoulder.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+kings+11%3A1-4&version=KJV

Lots of stumbling through the various nationalities of Solomon's women, and his stupid jokes about only being able to afford one wife, and Becky not letting him have another.

Nobody laughs - I think they are tired.

Gary says that divorce is bad, and mostly hurts the children. He does not, however, tell them how very personally he knows this. First of all, hearing sympathy for children only a few minutes after talk of beating them sounds pretty shallow. And, talk about missing a chance at a testimony, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job1%3A13-16&version=KJV

Job suffered some "disappointing things." I'll say!

"Listen, God has been good to America. Amen? But if he took it all away, God's still good. Amen? Just say the Lord come - tarries his comin' and November the fourth, and Oh, God, ah'm even - ah don't even wanna thank about it. But we maht as well, it's a reality of life, amen. If the Democrats git it, we'll have  every'thin' taken away from us. Amen. Because you won't have to worry about comin' to church, an an an an and comin' in ya say whah 'cause it's gonna be locked. And it ain't gonna have - you ain't gonna have the key to unlock it."

Gary thinks people have gotten complacent because they are so happy with having a good person in office (I assume he means Trump). He warns them that they may have to go through being hung to stakes and burnt to death like our ancestors.

Gary claims that nobody's caught him going from state to state despite bans, and no churches have been closed "yah say wha? Because God."

He also quotes a preacher who said that "there were a lot of things Obama was gonna do, that God stopped."

"Be keerful listenin' to what the Devil tries to say. Be keerful of what people tell you about other people."

Gary, how is it that you are not weeping? No, not for our country, because I think there's something large in your eye:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A3-5&version=KJV

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