Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[GlitterJam]

That sign seems to say "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ", is that actually a saying? I thought it would be "believe in".

And thank you, @thoughtful, I don't know how you can make it through these!

[AmazonGrace]

32 minutes ago, GlitterJam said:

That sign seems to say "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ", is that actually a saying? I thought it would be "believe in".

And thank you, @thoughtful, I don't know how you can make it through these!

I think it may be a King James thing? Acts 16:

[3splenty]

2 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Now you've got me contemplating an experiment with rye flour and cheese as a quick-bread.

It's not actually a quick bread.  It uses a can of cheddar cheese soup and parmesan cheese, though.

We're out buying new countertops today and hubby needed to use GPS after he took a wrong turn.  Imagine Bro Gary being the voice of any GPS...

[Dana723]

2 hours ago, 3splenty said:

It's not actually a quick bread.  It uses a can of cheddar cheese soup and parmesan cheese, though.

We're out buying new countertops today and hubby needed to use GPS after he took a wrong turn.  Imagine Bro Gary being the voice of any GPS...

"You need to make a...what is it, Becky?"

"Right."

"Right here on Reptobate Avenue."

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Gary isn't into that whole humble and honest and kind  and doing-anything-to-help-anyone-else nonsense. 

But, but, but - he keeps saying he's only a sinner saved by grace and he's not braggin' on Gary, he's braggin' on Jesus! Funny how he can say such things, 5-10 times per message, and still not come off as humble. His arrogance just burns through the words like a flame.

Oh, and of course, he's helping others, @AmazonGrace (how sweet the sound  . . . did you know that your nom de FJ was not written by Fanny Crosby, and that she was blind? But I digress). He's telling people, loudly and repeatedly, how to shun Hell and gain Heaven - that's got to be more valuable than that feeding the poor and not being a bigot stuff - c'mon!

OK, back to Gary's Rockettes routine with the crucified Jesus (kick, step, kick, kick, ask God to forgive them because they know not what they do, kick, turn, jazz hands . . . ).

He also appears to be Conjugating Jesus - I sin, you sin, he she or it sins, we are all sinners . . .

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+10%3A27-30&version=KJV

Gary's eternally saved - same old routine with this one, except for one new offensive way of saying it: "Ah'm borned agin, ah'm saved by the grace of God, and mah God is not a Indian giver amen!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+13%3A3-5&version=KJV

Repenting, he assures us, is not "works." The guy who wouldn't give up his one beer a day is described.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+3%3A1-7&version=KJV

Gary stumbles through this, and, of course, we hear about JUlah 11, 1999. Have I mentioned that he usually rattles off the name and address of the church when he describes this? He also always tells us he has no memory of what the pastor preached that day, what they sang, or what he said. Church was over, almost everyone had left, and Gary suddenly saw that he was doomed to Hell.

Gary tells us about trying to ride Jacob's hoverboard - he says he lasted about three seconds, "ah lost mah glasses, ah lost mah mind, ah'm lucky to be alive, ah hit the floor real hard."

Becky: "It wasn't three seconds."

Why did he mention the hoverboard? Why, to tell us about Jacob's personal care, of course! What, you didn't see that connection coming? Jacob took a bath last night then went out to play on the hoverboard, and Becky claimed he hadn't used any soap, and they told him to try again, and Becky even said that if he didn't take a bath right, she'd get in there and help him. "She's wantin' to make sure he's clean."

Gary, of course, is jolly as can be about all this, and Becky is giggling. What a nightmare for a 13-year-old boy, in a room full of strangers, to have his father tell that story, and his mother laugh along with it.

After he makes his serious point (Jesus wants to clean us up, just like Becky wants Jacob to be clean), Gary gets in one more dig: "Ah hope ah embarrassed you, son," and Becky giggles again.

?

Colossians 1:14  In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins.

Gary was visiting someone in the hospital when he was in South Dakota, and "thought ah'd be the spiritual preacher" and read, but he hadn't brought a Bible. He thought he saw a Bible, but it was "that book that pretends to be the Bible - 'n' it was the NIV. And in Colossians chapter 1, verse 14," (scandalized voice) "the word 'blood' is not there."

They put it in a footnote - how dare they?

Blood, blood, blood - you know the drill.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+5%3A1-3&version=KJV

He stumbles through, errors everywhere, and "grievous" becomes "gree-vi-ous."

We can have all kinds of love, including "the love that The World talks about, which is really not a good love - it's more or less of a lust, amen?"

It may not have any actual grammatical errors, but I think "it's more or less of a lust, amen?" is a great Gary-ism.

Gary has a new (well, probably stolen from some video from 1961) way of saying he has to preach hard. "If ah step on your toes in the next coupla days, ah am very sorry - ah was aimin' for your heart."

Gary goes on about how we need to love each other, we need to show love, then goes right into Gary-land. Masks cross his little mind: "If these  people start listenin' to Dr. Fau-see or whatever that idiot's name is, amen, when they start listenin' to him about closin' yer eyes, yer not gonna be able to see." (he goes up about an octave for "see") "An' ah want you to know something, there's gonna be some people that's gonna follow this mess."

Spoiler

Pissy face ensues.

Spoiler

Gary, Dr. Fauci did not suggest that people walk around with their eyes closed, you clod. And, as a person who drives without watching the road, you're not exactly on the high ground when it comes to this subject.

And he goes right back to yelling and cooing about "lovin' one another."

If you didn't get 100 points on Gary's test, today would be a good day to get right. "Ya say wha? Tomorrow may not come." Gary says he doesn't go to funeral homes, "ah don't go down to the dead places, amen." Your casket could be in a funeral home in this neck of the woods, though.

"Becky come to the piana."

But, wait - we haven't had any descriptions of someone's horrible illness and death yet. So Gary throws one in, because what's a church service without one?

Can you say Heaven's your home? If not, today is the day - we're not promised a tomorrow.

Just a reminder - in case you forgot.

[Black Aliss]

4 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

 

This might have been the effect Gary was going for:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

@Black Aliss, that's perfect! I knew it reminded me of something. Gary Hawkins, not Vitruvian man, but antediluvian man!

We need someone with Photoshop skills - here's the pic that goes all the way down to the feet:

Edited August 3, 2020 by thoughtful
added pic

[Xan]

1 minute ago, thoughtful said:

@Black Aliss, that's perfect! I knew it reminded me of something. Gary Hawkins, not Vitruvian man, but antediluvian man!

We need someone with Photoshop skills.

Only if you hide Gary's naughty bits.  I don't think my stomach could handle seeing that.  If I could put in a request to Photoshop in the standard "pissy face", that would be great.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

Only if you hide Gary's naughty bits. 

Oh, Gary needs to be fully clothed, long tie, cowboy boots and all.

ETA - after all, you can't expect him to go around nekkid!

Edited August 3, 2020 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

I only know that "library" is supposed to be "liberty" because I've seen him post it before. Fill those alters!

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

Bro and Becky must have gone to the same photoshop class as Jill Rodrigues.

[thoughtful]

11 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Bro and Becky must have gone to the same photoshop class as Jill Rodrigues.

At least they didn't dissolve their noses.

 

[Alisamer]

16 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

At least they didn't dissolve their noses.

 

Maybe their phone "automatically" does that like Zsu claimed. LOL!
 

[MayMay1123]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

At least they didn't dissolve their noses.

 

Did becs have eyebrows before the new glasses? 

[GlitterJam]

21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

@Black Aliss, that's perfect! I knew it reminded me of something. Gary Hawkins, not Vitruvian man, but antediluvian man!

We need someone with Photoshop skills - here's the pic that goes all the way down to the feet:

I desperately want this as my profile picture but for some reason it won't let me add a profile picture, I'm heartbroken.

Does anyone have an update on how Bro Gary's weight loss is going? I'm trying to lose some myself and could do with an accountability partner!

[thoughtful]

5 minutes ago, GlitterJam said:

I desperately want this as my profile picture but for some reason it won't let me add a profile picture, I'm heartbroken.

If none of this:

Quote

How do I upload/change my profile picture (avatar)

A:  Your Profile > click image icon in lower right corner of Profile Photo to pull up the following options: 

Upload Photo (see "How do I upload attachments" for detailed instructions) screen shot #2, #3, and #4

 Import from URL

Use Gravatar (this is a 3rd part avatar hosting software.  You store your avatar there and link it to forums/websites)

Remove Photo 

The maximum size for the pic is 0.1 mb/100 kb.  If you try to upload a file that is too large it will not give you an error message on some mobile devices, if the process stalls check file size. 

Uploading photo:  upload > reposition/crop option > save  

Import from URL:  Import > reposition/crop options > save

Use Gravatar:  enter the email you linked to your hosted avatar.  Other users will not be able to see your email address > reposition/crop options > save

Rules/Restrictions: (as with the rest of FJ, rules are few but crucial)

It cannot be animated

 No hate speech is allowed in avatars as the rest of the forum.  If not being allowed to have symbols of hate in your avatar is an issue then FJ is not the right community for you.

Do not copy someone else's avatar.  

All avatars must be safe for work (no nudity, gore, etc.)

has worked, try posting in the tech forum, to see if anyone can help you figure out why it is not allowing you to make one.

https://www.freejinger.org/forum/452-tech-support/

While I'm here:

He finally got the name of the church right. "Go to the LORD house" makes me want to watch The Philadelphia Story.

[GlitterJam]

Spiritual food?? We're on a diet, Gary!

[wallysmommy]

I have good friends with the last name Lord.  They surely don't want Bro. and Bex dropping in on them for dinner.

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, GlitterJam said:

Spiritual food?? We're on a diet, Gary!

Well, Gary's idea of a diet is eating one meal a day. So, one sermon a day is a spiritual diet.

The Hawkinses sing In My Father's Eyes again - this time Gary is standing by them at the piano, even though he doesn't sing. Gary seems to think they're finished before they are, which throws Becky off.

I think Jacob is finally starting to find where the notes are in his recently-changed voice. Who knows, maybe he'll defy heredity and be a fine singer someday.

I'm guessing that someone named Doug (excuse me, Brother Doug) sang earlier and was really into it, because Gary cracks wise about wishing he'd get excited when he sings, and gets a big laugh. Gary being Gary, he can't just leave it there with a little pleasantry. He has to go on: "The drunks think they're havin' fun, the dopeheads think they're havin' fun, man we oughta be havin' fun amen?"

Becky brings him his water bottle.

"Can I tell a joke?" Gary, would you not tell it if anyone said no? Ooooh, it's a riddle. I'll put the answer in a spoiler, in case anyone wants to guess. "You do know why that Donald Trump don't wear glasses, don'tcha?

Spoiler

He's got 2020.

He gets a big laugh - this is one easy room.

"Ah sure hope so. Ah tell ya ah'm a little bit nervous about it if ya wanna know the truth about it, but God's in control no matter what happens. He'll soon be comin' back to get us, ah'm looking forward to it amen."

So, are any of these people aware that the tax-free status of churches depends on their not endorsing a candidate?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians+6&version=KJV

Gary stumbles through it, stopping after verse three to be pissy about people who "think they're somethin'," and after verse 14 to warn them against The World.

Gary found out last night that another soldier of the Lord died, and another "guy" in NC says he has the corona vahris. So we have to be busy in these last days.

His theme is what we get to (not have to!) do for Jesus.

"Ah just left a church in New York, the preacher is uh uh he had a stroke some years ago, he's pretty well bound to the wheelchair."

2 Timothy 2:15  Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth (Gary says "word of God" then corrects himself).

Lots of ranting about the KJV being the only Bible, the devil wants you to read the others, the NIV, the New King James, the "sodomite Bible."

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need becomes "Let us therefore come boldly until the throne of grace, that we may abstain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

Gary rants about getting to pray, and screws up the quote about the mustard seed by leaving out the word "faith," as he has before. Gary, you don't move mountains with an actual mustard seed.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+10%3A25&version=KJV

He does his usual "come to church despite the pandemic" rant, and tell us that "God instituted the family, so you can bring 'em to church." Yes, folks, that's the only reason for families - so you can bring them to church.

"Don't tell me we're not in the end days - it's now or never."

This new generation comin' up wouldn't fight for anything, unless it was compromising.

He saw a picture of some guy in a swimmin' hole with a mask on. He starts to tell us something else he saw on Facebook, but distracts himself insulting Fauci (I assume  - Gary just calls him "whatever that idiot's name is" with the usual "give him my phone number, ah don't care"). He says that, if that guy told us to go around on "all four" to avoid the virus, there are people that would do it. They all agree.

He has a new bit to add; they should put up a sign outside the church that says Walmarts so nobody will question how many people are in there. If the police come and ask what they're doing, they should say they're "protestin' sin." And he gets loud amens.

In their weird minds, people shopping or protesting are privileged characters who get to do whatever they want, and those who want to go to church are being persecuted and forbidden to attend. Except they're all in there, and I can bet they're maskless and crowded together. Gary keeps talking about how he hasn't missed any church except two Wednesdays, and it still hasn't occurred to him that he is not being persecuted - he's just choosing to be an asshole.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+1%3A9-10&version=KJV

According to Gary, "Jesus has abomished death, and hath brought life and immortally to light through the gospel."

Gary's glad he gets to pass out tracts. He holds up a visual aid:
 

Spoiler

Gary reminds us that he knows two people who died in the last 48 hours, and somebody Becky went to college with - "she died, today?"

Becky: "This morning."

Gary tries to talk about Charlie Daniels (whose name he still can't remember) not going to heaven, based on his testimony. He tells the story of the woman (now he mentions that this was Mrs. Crawley) they bathed and took to the hospital, and tells the one about Burt Reynolds and Becky's grandmother.

Back to Becky's college classmate, and Gary wishes he'd thought to have Becky call her last night (I assume to make sure she was saved, from the way he's talking), but she was probably unconscious anyway. 

So, as usual, lots of people are dying, and you will any second, too, so be sure you're saved and saving others, all the time.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A18-19&version=KJV

Excess becomes "exceed," and make melody comes out "make Melanie" even though he makes two tries at it.

Becky, find out who this Melanie is!

He says he told them yesterday somebody sent him a video of Pelosi drunk. No, Gary, you didn't - I would have remembered that (well, maybe it was in Sunday school, which they didn't video).

"It's prob'ly kinda hard not to to send a video of her not bein' drunk, 'cause ah'm pretty sure she's drunk most of the tahm. Maybe when she's not sleepin', ah don't know. And she's tryin' to talk, lahk a drunk person does, about Donald Trump. that's not the  way you should be singing the songs of _____ (inaudible) - spir'tual songs."

That's quite a leap for an excuse to talk trash about Nancy Pelosi, Gary.

He tells them they should form a choir, not listen to KLove, and about the DJ who played Country music backward.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Gary leaves off the last five words.

He tells some story about his old truck breaking down, and his getting help only because he prayed.

"When people put steoopid stuff on Facebook, it's hard to thank God for thangs lahk that, but we got to."

OK, everybody, give thanks for Bro Gary!

He gets back to Pelosi, and "Schumore - I guess that's her boyfriend, ah'm not sure. Amen. They stand awful close to each other, allahwannatellya."

Job comes up, and Gary actually pronounces "eschewed" correctly! Maybe he does better when he's not trying to read, or maybe Becky's been coaching him. Can you work on that second r in "reprobate," Becky?

Here's how Gary reads Luke 15:17-18:

"And when he came to himself, ah sure wish a lot of other people would come to theirselves amen, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee."

Gary's waiting for some prodigal children to return. He tells the story of the preacher's son who was saved because God put him in prison. Never give up on unsaved relatives!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+15%3A51-58&version=KJV

Gary, you either need to give up on trying to read this one, or get Becky to coach you - you really can't make it through the corruptibles and incorruptibles and incorruptions and immortalities.

Gary wants to meet John the Baptist in Heaven, but not to share his dinner (get it? It's a locust joke!).

Today he says the old-time horses used to have "blindfolds" on. "Ah'ma tell ya - we need some blindfolds. Take the mask off, put the blindfold on. Amen. That's Scripture!"

Well, now we know why Gary was so nasty about Dr. Fauci yesterday - if he doesn't know the difference between blindfolds and blinders, he probably doesn't know the difference between blindfolds and goggles.

"Ah lahk Donald Trump, but ah lahk Jesus better."

Good to know, Gary.

[thoughtful]

 

Why post more about politics? Oh, maybe because the person who preaches to them in church keeps talking about Trump and Pelosi and Fauci, even when he's supposed to be talking about God.

[Ozlsn]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary rants about getting to pray, and screws up the quote about the mustard seed by leaving out the word "faith," as he has before. Gary, you don't move mountains with an actual mustard seed

Of all the things I want to see now, it's Gary attempting that.

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary reminds us that he knows two people who died in the last 48 hours, and somebody Becky went to college with - "she died, today?"

Gee, I wonder why so many people they know seem to be dying. Car accident, right?

[thoughtful]

@GreyhoundFan posted this in the politics forum - this character reminds me of Bro Gary even more than Trump!

 

[thoughtful]

Tonight's video starts with Becky singing the "Could you not pray for only one hour" song. Then all three sing something it took me forever to figure out, because clear diction is not their thing, but it was I'm Using My Bible for a Roadmap.

I suggest GPS.

Better be careful, Gary - that one's got a bit of a Bluegrass feel; Satan could slip in!

Spoiler

 

Gary comes to the lectern, and Becky brings him his water bottle. He thanks them for all they've done - putting them up at a motel and feeding them, including a restaurant meal.

The Lord is comin' - "one o' these days it'll be the last trump. Won't be Donald Trump, it'll be the last trump."

This gets a laugh. Every comedian in the world would like a room this easy. So Gary tries another.

"Did ya all hear that Hillary called the Whaht House the other day? She was all up in outrage. She finally got the lady on the phone to go get Donald Trump out of bed about midnight. 'N' Donald said 'What in the world's so important you couldn't wait 'til in the morning?' Said 'Well, one of the guys on the Supreme Court dahd, 'n' ah wanna know if ah can take his place.' 'N' he said it was OK with him if it was OK with the undertaker amen."

Big laugh.

Well, besides being predictable (therefore not funny, no matter what your politics), political, related to nothing religious or Biblical, and wishing someone dead, I think that's the perfect joke for a man of God to tell his flock of the moment, don't you? And following it up with an "amen" is just the cherry on the sundae. /s

I find it interesting that jokes like this have someone they dislike being nutty in the middle of the night - have they seen the times on Trump's tweets? He'd just be eating his second dinner at midnight, and getting ready to tweet for a few hours. No "lady" would need to get him out of bed.

In case you want to guess where Gary wants their minds to go next, after that vicious crap, I shall put it under a spoiler. But wait, while they're turning pages (or as he says "whahl you're turnin' your Bahbles"), he rattles on about the devil wanting churches to close, and infighting among preachers - you know the drill.

Someone in the congregation is in the mood to yell out "Yes, ma'am" instead of "amen" tonight, in answer to a lot of Gary's questions. Considering Gary's hatred of anyone who isn't cisgender and straight, that amuses me.

"Ah'm not a pasture, so ah don't have a pasture's heart, but ah am an evangelist, and ah have a heart for churches."

We're in the last days, and the devil's trying to make people fight. Don't leave home without puttin' on the full armor of God (are there old American Express ads roaming around Gary's brain?). If Gary doesn't get in touch with God every morning, Becky will make him mad.

Becky: "No, you're just gonna be mad."

After several minutes exhorting the congregation to work together, don't fight among yourselves, be of one accord, etc., he immediately follows with a warning that, from the "pasture" to the most recent person to join the church, to be careful who you let influence you, "becouse everybody ain't yer friend, 'n' the devil's got a lot of people, he'd love to influence a lot of people, 'n' see a lot of things happen amen."

This "work together, love one another" paired with "watch out, because your church is full of Satan's minions"  is so very, very Gary.

OK, here we go, five minutes after he announced the reading (at least he hadn't asked them to stand yet):

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+23&version=KJV

Yes, the 23rd Psalm. I guess the Lord shepherds Gary to make nasty jokes about Democrats.

He gets most of it right, other than some thou/thy stumbles, and using "eth" endings where it's supposed to be "est."

Gary's theme is how he wants to meet God - y'know, after his favorite thing, death.

Gary's not gonna meet God for somebody else, he's going to meet God for himself. "Ah'm gonna meet God the way ah preached, ah'm gonna meet God  the way ah soul-winned, ah'm gonna meet God the way ah the way ah sang,  ah'm gonna meet God the way ah treated mah family, amen?"

Oh, Gary - assuming that "ah'm gonna meet God" means "I'm going to be judged," you may be in for a big shock if that afterlife you crave does, in fact, exist.

Matthew 6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Seek righteousnesssss.

And a bunch of stuff we've heard many times, including the "actin' raht, spittin' raht, walkin' raht" riff, because people are watching. Gary is an ambassador for Christ. I hope Jesus approves of the way he spits.

1 Timothy 1:12 -  And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that he counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry.

Gary does his "God always provides, and if you didn't eat one day, you didn't need food," bit, "back when this thing started" (Covid-19, I assume), and "they was pouring out cow milk and destroyin' cows" and someday there may be no more food.

He has to mention that he's only eating one meal a day, to lose weight, and we hear a woman's voice teasingly say "that's not the way to do it." Gary stands silently for a moment, then says "must be - ah've lost a lot of weight."

Spoiler

Gary talks about his Daddy's call to preach. Their pastor at the time told him "If you kin git out of it, git out of it. But don't run so far that God'll kill ya." Gary tells us, in his garbled way, that his father was very skilled at tree work - he could fell a tree without doing any damage to anything around it, but one day "somethin' happened with a chain saw" and Daddy knew it was time to finally answer the call to preach.

So . . . Gary, are you saying that God tried to kill your father for not answering the call sooner? Maybe, just maybe, Daddy had a close call, and ____ (got hurt, almost got hurt, damaged someone's property and got sued, was just feeling his and didn't want to do manual labor any more?), and decided to go grifting/preaching.

"Ah hope you don't believe in wimmin preachers, amen." They giggle, like that's such a bizarre idea that it has to be a joke, and Gary goes on "If you do, we kin give you mah Bible, in fact you can't be the husband of one wife HAYMEN!"

Proverbs 16:7 - When a man's ways please the Lord, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.

"You ain't go no enemies? Ya sure you're doin' somethin' for God?" Uh, Gary, that directly contradicts the verse. If you wanted to rant about being persecuted for being a good, pushy evangelist, there are better verses to choose.

Most of the time, he reminds us, your enemy will be someone in church.

Here's a Gary story about loving his enemy:

"One tahm we was at a hospital with this person, and uh, there was somethin' goin' on and they needed somethin', 'n' hey ah'm gonna be honest with ya, he - uh - ah didn't wanna be around him. Ah'm just bein' honest with ya."

Spoiler

"But ah told mah wife, ah said listen hey, ah'm gonna trah to be the best person, and be a Christian about this, so you let them people know that ah'm willin' to take 'em wherever they wanna go."

He rocks back with a self-satisfied look. Then:

"'N' ah thank God they didn't, they didn't take up on the offer, but ah thought - ah ah ah thought that ah had to do the raht thing amen."

He tells us that he is good to his enemies so they won't have anything bad to say about him to Jesus. Another example of Gary thinking like a small child, a narcissist, or both.

Jude 22:33 And of some have compassion, making a difference:

He tells the story of the man who was called to be a preacher because of Gary's Facebook video, and needs Becky and Jacob to help him remember when it all happened.

Isaiah 41:8 - But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend.

Gary wants God to think of him as a friend.

"Uh uh uh Abraham messed up. Ya say wha? He's in his flesh. He woke up one morning, didn't read his Bahble, didn't pray, 'n' the devil got his way, 'n' the flesh got his way."

Gary, Abraham didn't have a Bible.

"The Bible says if you want to have friends you have to show yourself friendly. Y'all pray for mah wife, ah'm hopin' someday she'll be friendly."

By way of being friendly, Gary gets into his mask rant, then warns them again how the easiest place to get hurt by someone is in church.

Proverbs 29:18 - Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Respect and back up your pasture's ideas, but "don't be puttin' a preacher up on a pedestool."

Well, he got a little closer this time (last time it was footstool).

He goes on about vision, visualizing something better for the church, trying to be inspiring and deep, then very suddenly tells us that Jacob told him he parked on a spot where there used to be a tombstone. "GOD ah'm scared that Ford's gonna turn into somethin' dead, amen?"

He tells the story of the mean deacon who chased the pastor out of his church.

"Hawkins' theolology - pray for 'em."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A25-30&version=KJV

He doesn't even wait to make the Jailhouse Rock joke - he interrupts the reading with it.

Gary says he's never been to jail or prison. ?

He explains (sort of) what happened the night he didn't preach, but The Big Preacher did, in Groton.

"People was comin' to the altar, people was cryin', people was givin' testimonies."

I can't imagine anyone did anything this organized or dishonest, but I would love to think that a group of teens got together and decided to storm the altar right after the singing (or, even better, right before), and filled up the time weeping and testifying just so nobody would have to hear Gary.

Enoch 5:24 - And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Gary wants to get took by God, like Enoch.

Gary doesn't want to waste anyone's time.

Gary tells the stupid Pharisee/Sadducee joke.

Drunks act happy, (and don't remember why they were happy the next day when they're "puking their guts out"), but Christians act sour. "Git rid of the pooch mouth. Quit eatin' the lemons."

Gary doesn't like smiling. When they were in New Mexico, someone there who was a professional PHOtoegrapher ("whatever that word is" Becky: "phoTOGrapher") took their picture. Gary hates having pictures taken (apparently, that's very different from video). He says he didn't smile in any of them.

So, I guess everyone else has to smile, but not Gary?

He insults Becky's Tupperware efforts, and manages to slip in another dig at BLM.

I think I mentioned, many recaps ago, that Gary always says the name of a chapter and then "verses ____" and says a single number. So, for example "Enoch chapter 5, verses 24" or Proverbs chapter 25, verses 18." I thought I'd inured myself to it, but it was really getting on my nerves tonight.

Verse -  one verse - singular, Gary!

 

[thoughtful]

Becky's turn - she'll post stupid inaccurate shit about masks, but she'll sell Tupperware to store them:

Spoiler

Guilt works for sales, as well as church. Becky, the companies you listed are not independent, Mom and Pop businesses, and they're mostly dishonest.

Spoiler

 

 

[Ozlsn]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's not gonna meet God for somebody else, he's going to meet God for himself. "Ah'm gonna meet God the way ah preached, ah'm gonna meet God  the way ah soul-winned, ah'm gonna meet God the way ah the way ah sang,  ah'm gonna meet God the way ah treated mah family, amen?"

Boy is he screwed.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Most of the time, he reminds us, your enemy will be someone in church

So.. if you avoid church your enemies won't find you? Also not sure what that says about Bro Gary.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary doesn't like smiling. When they were in New Mexico, someone there who was a professional PHOtoegrapher ("whatever that word is" Becky: "phoTOGrapher") took their picture. Gary hates having pictures taken (apparently, that's very different from video). He says he didn't smile in any of

Well that explains the scowl in his daughter's wedding photos.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He tells the story of the man who was called to be a preacher because of Gary's Facebook video, and needs Becky and Jacob to help him remember when it all happened.

I'm seriously starting to wonder if he has a neurodegenerative condition and Becky is hanging in there for the inheritance.