Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[wallysmommy]

My idiot cousins pulled the S. Dakota argument.  I ignored them because I'd rather save my breath to yap at JRod.  Please, Lord, don't let Gary find out about "Q" although I think Q's posts are too intellectual for Gary to understand.

[EyesOpen]

Unfortunately, this might make more people in South Dakota sick, or they may take the virus back home with them.  https://apple.news/AYuNs9qmRRI6VQTemE7-4Ow

[AmazonGrace]

[Ozlsn]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

The argument under Josh's reply continues:

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Judy, Gary says he knows it's real. He just thinks that asking people to wear masks and not congregate indoors is some sort of Democratic plot to make Trump look bad.

Gary has yet to realize that making himself look bad, with no help from anyone, is Trump's only skill.

ETA - two more comments, under Gary's original post, not the argument with Josh. I think Wanda is trying to say that the hardiness of South Dakotan's supposed resistance to the virus is due to their being anti-vaxxers. 

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I am torn between laughing and WTF for Wanda's comment - seriously, what is wrong with these people?

[thoughtful]

Gary, who, let me remind you, started this all with "OK, folks, I have a a question," still refuses to listen. Anybody surprised?

This is a continuation of the argument under Josh's comment:

Spoiler

Judy still "ain't understanding." I do wish some of them, if they are determined to argue, would point out that Gary is misunderstanding how some basic things work - diseases, human interaction, breathing.

Gary's acknowledgement of the fact that the virus is real, while still clinging to some of his conspiracy crap, is a lot like his claiming he doesn't think he's superior, just a sinner saved by grace. He thinks it gives him free rein to be as judgmental and bossy as he wants, and lecture everybody.

Gateway Baptist Church, Olbion NY is where Gary preached this morning.

They sing Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, and the pastor reminds them to listen carefully to Brother Gary, because his message was prepared just "for us."

A kid in shorts and a sleeveless Captain America tee (Gary is probably disgusted by this cuteness) volunteers to collect the offering.

Gary comes up, announces 2 Corinthians, says it's good there are young people in church, and demands his water, which Becky passes up via one of those young people. Another child brings up another bottle as he reads.

Spoiler

2 Corinthians 6  - in the BGV (Bro Gary Version), succoured becomes "secured," accepted becomes "acceptable."

KJV: But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses, in stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labours, in watchings, in fastings.
BGV: But in all things approved ourselves in as the ministry of God, in so much the patience of affliction, in necessaries. In distress, in strifes, in imprisonments, in trurrull, in labour, in watching and fasting.

 KJV:  by love unfeigned, By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left
BGV:  by love unframed, By the word of God- the word of truth, by the power of God, by the ar - arrows - armour of the righteousness on the right hand and on the left hand.

I had some technical difficulties that slowed me down, so that's as far as I got, and I need to stop now for work. I shall return, as Douglas MacArthur said, to tell you all how Gary took those verses and shaped the perfect, tailor-made message for the living room church of Olbion.

Edited August 9, 2020 by thoughtful
fixed misquote

[AmazonGrace]

I am impressed that no one's punched Gary in the face yet. People must be more saintly that I gave them credit for.

[griffin]

He's in Ablion, New York. No, its Olbion. I wonder if that's anywhere near Albion (?)

[Ozlsn]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, who, let me remind you, started this all with "OK, folks, I have a a question," still refuses to listen. Anybody surprised?

Pretty sure "I have a question" translates as "let me pontificate at you with my superior knowledge" in Gary's mind.

1 hour ago, griffin said:

He's in Ablion, New York. No, its Olbion. I wonder if that's anywhere near Albion (?)

Oblivion? 

[thoughtful]

  

6 hours ago, griffin said:

He's in Ablion, New York. No, its Olbion. I wonder if that's anywhere near Albion (?)

Oh, I hadn't even seen the "Ablion, just the "Olbion." My inner song-cue demon is torn between Avalon and Ob-la-di Ob-la-da. I think the latter; everybody sing!

Gary has a Ford truck and a cut-up ween,
Becky helps him read that King James text.
Gary says to Becky “Will you be my queen?
And Becky tells him “Yes, where are we going next?”

Ablion, Olbion, what the hell, Bro?
How ya gonna find that mess?
Ablion, Olbion, what the hell, Bro?
Thank God you’ve got GPS.

Spoiler

 

Anyway, back to this morning's service.

Gary's theme is "Why is today the day of salvation?"

He announces James 4:14 and starts reading James 3:14 - it takes him a while to realize his error. OK, James 4:14:

KJV:  Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
BGV:  Whereas ye know not what shall be on tomorrow. For is your - for - your - what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

Get saved today, because there may be no tomorrow (of course).

Oh, no - he's going for the "every second, six people die" math. "In a 24-hour day,

Spoiler

that's a lot of people."

Aw, Gary - what a cop-out.

Gary starts listing people who have died recently, reminds them they don't have to be old to die, that he won't speak at his family members' funerals if they don't have a testimony, there's a casket waiting for you - the usual.

Here's a new one - he says "we usually just bahpass the hospital and just go on to the funeral home 'n' git it over with, amen." I wonder if Becky's thinking "speak for yourself, Gary."

John 6:44 - KJV: No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.
BGV: No man can come to the Fath - come to me, except the Father has sent him - sent me and drawed him: and I will raise him up at the last day.

Gary's version sounds like Jesus needs God to make a forensic artist's sketch to find each of us at the last day - sounds time-consuming.

Gary tells us that God might stop drawin', He might refuse to deal with you any time (we hear how God threatened to "never deal with him again" right before he got saved, and the one beer a day guy), so you'd better get saved today.

Hebrews 9:27 - KJV: And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:
BGV:  As it is appointed unto men once to die.

You're gonna die, everybody's gonna die, die, die, die. He starts to tell about a cousin who died young, and interrupts himself for this:

"Nothin' wrong with her, now, you know. Whenever they write these death certificates, y'know, uh, y'know people can get you maybe ah shouldn't put this on Facebook but it be awright anyway but uh people kin git by with murder today, 'cause if you murder somebody you still gonna die of the Covid. Amen."

I think that was supposed to be a version of Gary's "all the death certificates say Covid now" crap. Gary, if you want to try that one in the future, leave off all of the fumbling at the beginning, and it needs to be "they still gonna die of the Covid" at the end.

Anyway, this was the cousin who dropped dead at the kitchen table, makin' a grocery list. And another cousin died, and everybody died, died, died.

Luke 16:22-24 - oh, goody- Lazarus!

KJV:  And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;
And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

BGV:  And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was buried into Abraham - carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and and was buried;
And in hell he lifted up his eyes, being in tormentssss, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazaruth, that he may dip dip the tip of his finger and cool my tongue -  in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in these flamessss.

Gary says to be sure you're saved because Hell is an awful place, and goes on to his gory fire stories, the "fim" that Estus Pirkle made about hell, and Shadrack, etc. The video is fading in and out, so it's hard to hear, but I don't think there was anything new here.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+2%3A1-7&version=KJV

Gary gets some of this part of "fissions" right, mostly messing up only articles, plurals, conjunctions, and pronouns.

But things get rough near the end:

KJV: And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.

BGV: And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places That that in the age to come we might shew the excellent riches of grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.

You wanna be saved today, so you won't be separated from God.

Hey, he said "Albion" correctly! And he reads most of https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A1-3&version=KJV without too many stumbles.

Nothing new about Gary's mansion in Heaven riff. He tells us about Becky's ex-classmate who died again. This time he asks Becky if they were the same age.

Revelation 20:10 - KJV:  And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.
BGV:  And the devil that deceived him was cast into the lake of fahhhr and brimstone, where the beast and the false province are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

Get saved so  you won't have to be tormented by the devil. The devil is making people not have church because of Covid-19.

"Ah just got rebuked for quite a few times on Facebook for what ah put on there yesterday about this listen hey, hey we're so concerned about Covid-19 that we're doin' nothin'. We got people that are glued to this thing right here."

He points to the TV.

He seems to have skipped right over the actual description of what he posted on Facebook and why he got gently corrected - er, rebuked - because he was drawing conclusions based on totally false numbers that someone pulled out of their ass.

"And drawing a check - if that ain't socialism they ain't never been socialism."

"The devil don't have to go to most Baptist churches, because most Baptist churches are shut down. Listen ah, ah, this vahris, listen, hey this lady got mad at me 'cause she had an uncle ta dah** - I hate it! Ah had friends ta dah** of this mess. But ah'm still not gonna set back and say well ah guess the media's gotta be raht and God's gotta be wrong, so we're s'posed ta sit at home and just watch the television all day."

Oh, he's back to the "no Covid in South Dakota" post again. That's not what the argument was about, Gary - are you that stupid, that dishonest, or both?

He wants Pelosi kicked out the the White House (she's not there, Gary), Como don't know how to talk and tells lahs, and Cooper's a bad governor, but they're not really the problem - Christians who aren't exactly like Gary are the problem.

"If yer settin' at home, and yer watchin' this bah the way of Internet, and not comin' to church, and you're able to come to church, God's gon' judge you, ah don't have a bit o' problem sayin' that amen.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Thessalonians+2&version=KJV

Gary isn't afraid to say he hates the Devil (so brave!), "because of what the Devil is doin' to our country." But he knows God will come in His own time.

"Ah've had people to say because of  the way the tranginder things are goin' and the way the sodomites are goin', an an an and things are goin' that God's gonna hafta 'pologize one day - God ain't gonna hafta 'pologize ta nobody."

He winds down and bullshits to the end, and makes sure to to say, in his final prayer, that he's not thinking of anyone in particular, but he sure hopes everyone there can say that Heaven is their home.

Hey, Gar- when you do that, it's a dead giveaway that the pastor told you about someone who he thinks isn't saved, and wants you to scare them or make them feel guilty. Hence the "this message is just for us" introduction.

I just hope the good people of Albumen NY (a very white town!*) are on to you.

 

* Yeah, I know - that was a bad yolk.

**ETA - I just realized, reading this over, how unclear my phonetic spelling here might be. "Ta dah," in this context is not this:

Spoiler

It's "to die."

Edited August 10, 2020 by thoughtful

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

And drawing a check - if that ain't socialism they ain't never been socialism."

Er... so you knocked back the money then right Gary?

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

The devil don't have to go to most Baptist churches, because most Baptist churches are shut down. Listen ah, ah, this vahris, listen, hey this lady got mad at me 'cause she had an uncle ta dah** - I hate it! Ah had friends ta dah** of this mess. But ah'm still not gonna set back and say well ah guess the media's gotta be raht and God's gotta be wrong, so we're s'posed ta sit at home and just watch the television all day."

Gary we all know you didn't have a friend die of the virus - firstly because you would have gone on and on and on about whether they were saved, and secondly because you don't have friends. Stop with the defensive lying because people called you out on your bullshit. 

And yes, stay home and wear masks in public - the life you save might be Becky's. You don't have to spend the time watching TV - you could always pray, FB live, read the Bible, pretend to do some work preparing to preach...

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

He tells us about Becky's ex-classmate who died again. This time he asks Becky if they were the same age

No Gary, I'm sure they were years apart. *eyeroll* Yes Gary, people your age are dying and getting very sick from this. 

[thoughtful]

8 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Er... so you knocked back the money then right Gary?

Gary kept and spent the initial $1200. But I assume he has not been able to get the weekly unemployment checks, because he wasn't employed anywhere. And I think he's envious of those who get them, and pissed off.

So, he criticizes them for giving in to "socialism." Noble, sacrificing, patriotic Gary is just living off of hard-working Baptists who could be feeding their families with that money.

That's not socialism - that's doing God's work and getting his just desserts for it.

I'm self-employed - I'm not getting those checks either. It doesn't make me want to go out and try to get other people's money for ranting incoherently.

 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

No Gary, I'm sure they were years apart. *eyeroll* Yes Gary, people your age are dying and getting very sick from this. 

Oh, Gary wasn't trying to brush off the Coronavirus with that one. We don't know what Becky's college friend died of. Gary wanted to hear that she was about Becky's age, because he was deeply into his "all of us could die any time, even children and middle-aged people die, thousands are dropping dead all over, get saved today" spiel.

If Gary was organized, I think he'd make a list of everyone he's ever heard of who had died, one story each for a death at birth, at age one, at age two, at age three, etc., up to 100, and preach a sermon with all of the death stories he could cram in. 

 

[AmazonGrace]

Crossstitch: We it's not scripture.

Spoiler

Ok folks have any of you noticed the closer to the coming of the LORD the less Church we go to. The LORD just give me this though. It is sad but true. I know some or going to say we don't need 4 hours week we can have Church at home or we have Church every day. We it's not scripture. And in the Bible says they went to Church every day. Just a thought the LORD give me this afternoon.
Bro Gary Hawkins

Seriously this man rants about people spending too much time on social media and then he sermonizes about his Facebook comments?

[Ozlsn]

40 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Crossstitch: We it's not scripture.

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Ok folks have any of you noticed the closer to the coming of the LORD the less Church we go to. The LORD just give me this though. It is sad but true. I know some or going to say we don't need 4 hours week we can have Church at home or we have Church every day. We it's not scripture. And in the Bible says they went to Church every day. Just a thought the LORD give me this afternoon.
Bro Gary Hawkins

Seriously this man rants about people spending too much time on social media and then he sermonizes about his Facebook comments?

Gazza, mate... what are you even trying to say here? Pretty sure the Bible doesn't say they went to church every day. And which 'they', anyway? The early Christians of the New Testament? Which group? Paul (or whoever wrote the other letters) was getting his knickers in a knot writing instructions left, right and centre as the different groups started heading off on their own merry ways - but even then most of the new cult members had jobs and came together when they were able. (The Jews in the Old Testament weren't going to church. I'll wait while you check.) 

And I am reasonably certain that nowhere in the Bible does it say "endanger the community by coming together for maskless worship to support a talentless grifter when you have other options available to worship as a community." Geez.

[AmazonGrace]

In Acts 2 there were some people meeting at the temple every day, but it doesn't really say that everyone was there every single day despite the danger of spreading a deadly disease.

Quote

46 So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added [q]to the church daily those who were being saved.

 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

but even then most of the new cult members had jobs and came together when they were able.

Gary's picturing ancient shepherds on cell phones, saying "I may be a little late, because the flock and I are a half-day's walk away, but wait for me, OK?"

A new conspiracy theorist has chimed in under Josh's answer on the South Dakota thread:

Spoiler

Hey, Bruce - it would be life as usual, except with even more people dying than usual, and nobody knowing why.

There's also a new answer under the main thread:

Spoiler

Well, at least it's not a hoax theory.

This could have some validity, but I think Sherman may need Mr. Peabody to help him fill in a few details - he seems to be forgetting about time. The virus arrived near the coasts - it may be that per capita numbers are still somewhat low in some northern landlocked states because it just hasn't had time to get going as strongly there.

And, he's not acknowledging population density, and cultural differences in whether people expect everyone to constantly get together. And assholes like Gary, that travel everywhere, drink water constantly as they preach so they're good and hydrated to spew saliva, and try to make everyone feel guilty for not gathering in small, closed churches. Although, maybe there are typhoid Garys all over the northern midwest, as well.

 

[thoughtful]

The church in Albino NY needs work, so Gary, with his new-found weight loss energy, put on some old clothes, got out his tools, rolled up his sleeves, and did this:

Spoiler

What a man! What a Christian!

[Xan]

41 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

The church in Albino NY needs work, so Gary, with his new-found weight loss energy, put on some old clothes, got out his tools, rolled up his sleeves, and did this:

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What a man! What a Christian!

You're not giving Gar enough credit here.  He had to roll up his sleeves and type this out on his phone.  We know that he didn't use the microphone to dictate because even phone apps are smarter than Gary and wouldn't spell "dying" as "dieing".  That's more effort than he usually gives.  I'm surprised that he didn't just order Becky to do it.

And you can't expect him to stick around and do real work.  He's already planning (or what passes for planning) another disjointed sermon with lots of whiny rants about Democrats and vahruss hoaxes.  He's a preaching powerhouse.  I imagine he's just surprised that he's not been invited yet to give sermons in giant stadiums.  

I also thought it was really funny that he thinks God is putting ideas in his head.  From his earlier post:  "Just a thought the LORD give me this afternoon."  Gary, you have a Teflon brain.  Nothing sticks.  God would be wasting His time even trying to put something there.

[AmazonGrace]

It's the peak lazy that he's not even asking for help to try to put the house in order... No, he needs help to effing PRAY for some help. 

[Black Aliss]

If the Deep State was actually able to get every country on every continent except Antarctica to participate in this hoax to keep Trump from winning the election I, for one, welcome President for Life George Soros and our Deep State Overlords. Imagine what they can now accomplish with all of humanity working together.

[thoughtful]

Gary's post about Albuteral - er, OldBean? Anyway, the town in New York got some answers - nobody seems to be interested in helping:

Spoiler

And a new post is up. I'm quite sure that last sentence of Gary's is a purposeful pun on the name Lot, because he's so clever that way.

Spoiler

JesseSteph is into some kink, I think.

Sobering thought.

[wallysmommy]

Gary is about as essential as kudzu.

[Xan]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's post about Albuteral - er, OldBean? Anyway, the town in New York got some answers - nobody seems to be interested in helping:

  Hide contents

And a new post is up. I'm quite sure that last sentence of Gary's is a purposeful pun on the name Lot, because he's so clever that way.

  Hide contents

JesseSteph is into some kink, I think.

Sobering thought.

What's Gary even trying to say here?  That God "repented" about making human life?  That people today are lost to worse than "sodomy"??  And if the "saved" are the problem, doesn't that mean that Gary is a problem too?  Trying to understand Gary is making my head hurt.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, wallysmommy said:

Gary is about as essential as kudzu.

And just as invasive.

 

[OwlEyes]

This new place he's at is really interesting to me because it is uncomfortably close to where I live. After some googling it looks like the original church they sprang from is about an hour south in Eden, NY (Faith Bible Baptist Church), and when looking at their missionary list they support the Rodrigues family. I guess it makes sense since Dave and Jill are originally from WNY, but it's interesting how interconnected all these people are!