Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[Pammy]

1 hour ago, larrysmom said:

I'm trying to translate this one...wine, I think I get. But WTF is a "mowker"?

Mowker = mocker.

Proverbs 20:1 "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise." (Basically alcohol can make you act like an idiot and pick fights, so you might want to watch yourself.)

[AmazonGrace]

There is no need to drink alcohol if you're also stupid while sober.

[thoughtful]

@Pammy and @Don'tlikekoolaid are correct - "mowker" is how Gary pronounces "mocker," from the verse in Proverbs.

OK folks, on to the actual Sunday service.

When the video begins, the pastor has already asked for prayers. It's hard to hear some of the conversation, but they go off on a tangent about restaurants being open.

Becky says that there was only take out everywhere they went recently. A woman in the congregation says "Denny's don't follow any rules. They're actually from another country, so, y'know, they do what they wanna do, Abu and his wife." The pastor asks what country, and she can't remember, just that it's "like the Middle East area." 

I looked it up, and a nearby Denny's is run by a gentleman named Abu, so at least she didn't just make up a generic racist name for her racist statement.

So, if being foreign is what leads to not following rules, how does she explain their all being there in church (and everywhere else, if Gary is any indication), maskless?

The pastor prays, the Hawkinses sing, I fast forward. Gary does something that, at first, shocks me to the core. The pastor has a short lectern, because he uses a wheelchair. We see the taller one in the background. When Gary leaves the piano, he . . .

Spoiler

. . . lifts the shorter lectern, with ease, and sets it out of the way! I couldn't believe my eyes! Way to go, Gary, being helpful, doing manual labor! And then we see . . .

 

Spoiler

 . . . Jacob and a man (who Gary probably disapproves of for dressing too casually) moving the taller, and obviously much heavier, lectern (it's easier to see the difference in video, but here is a screen shot, at least). He even walks up as if he's going to help, then abruptly wheels around when he sees what an effort it is for them to lift it:

I bet Gary has learned his lesson, and will move that shorter lectern much more slowly in future services - can't get accidentally roped into lifting the heavy one!

"As crazy as things are, 'n' as wild as things are gitting, 'n' as steoopid as things are gitting, it's good that we kin come to church."

Matthew 11 - the leopards are cleansed again. So this is his "where is Jesus" bit, which we have heard recently. It mostly turns into his anti-mask/media/closing churches screed, which we have heard many times.

Things are not always going to be peachy (yes, he still thinks that expression is exclusive to Michigan) when you get saved.

Jesus is not popping pills or watching ABC or NBC.

Becky was prayin' for him to get some new shirts, and someone gave them shirts. Walmarts  makes a reappearance, for the first time in a while - Gary says he's "just about to stop shoppin' there."

I'll believe it when I see it, Gary.

When they first went out on the road, with all seven children, Becky was afraid they wouldn't be able to afford food. But, they were treated to meals in restaurants Gary could never afford, and he credits God for that.

Greedy, begging, grifting dick that he is, of course he does.

If Gary could make people get saved, he'd start with his family, then Becky's, then people he's worked with, then churches he's been to. Gary seems to know a lot of people who aren't saved.

In his usual mockery of people afraid of Covid-19 because they believe the media, he adds a new bit - "they wasn't too skeered of the flu that was goin' on when Obama was president."

Today's anti-mask screed includes his conceding that Brother Mike (the Pastor) needs to wear one  "when he goes over to the houses, hey listen ah'm gonna tell ya raht now - he don't know what those people's got - he better  protect hisself amen! And by protectin' himself, he's protectin' the people surroundin' him when he's at home 'n' in other different places."

Gary, if you can grasp that idea, why don't you get the general idea? Idiot.

Gary went to the park, saw a sign on the men's room saying that masks must be worn, and went right in maskless. It's OK because there was nobody else in there, and he assures us that "ah didn't hurt mahself whatsoever."

Um, Gary . . . you do know that the mask goes over the mouth and nose, right?

Masks are no good, because, "If you git that coronavahris you kin wear 4, 5, 6, 7 hundred of them things, and it ain't gonna help you a bit."

He goes off about some video he saw with a woman and a snake, and how she kept claiming she had control over it, but nobody can control a snake. Gary goes into gory detail about what could happen, but apparently nothing happened in that video.

He stumbles through the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

Gary says that the vahris has not affected anyone who is an essential worker, and hasn't effect anybody at Walmarts. He knows because he's been to Walmarts a few times and it stays full   (I think he's trying to say that those people have not been asked to stay home, unlike his precious church-goers, but he makes it sound like he thinks nobody has caught it at work - maybe he does think that, who knows).

Gary lovingly repeats his gory descriptions of martyrs and how they died, then tells us about a woman whose boss said he could fire her for going against the governor, because her church continued to meet, but they wasn't doin' no harm because there was only a handful of them, and they were distancin' and usin' "hand sympathizer."

Gary says she chose her job "over God." No, Gary, she chose surviving, protecting others, and not breaking the law. I'm sure she's still praying, at home, but you're disgusted with her.

Gary seems horrified that "people are skeered to leave their house." He's mad that they're talking about another shutdown, because he is booked up through the first week of November.

Gary reminds them that it's not their money in the bank, it's God's (great way to hint for people to give it to you, Gary).

Gary tells them that he is dieting. Of course, from his point of view, especially after almost an hour of ranting about not fearing Covid-19 because eternal salvation is better, he has to justify it. He tells them that, if the Lord tarries his comin' he wants to be in some sort of shape to do something for God.

In case you weren't aware, Gary is here to tell you about "9/11 over there."  He says (are you ready? it might alter your whole perception of life):

Spoiler

"You know what? That was a bad tragedy."

God is right where we left Him. "God ain't takin' ald-timer's pills, God ain't takin' some herb to git His mind back."

Oh, Gary, if only there was an herb to get your mind back.

Or get you one in the first place.

Edited July 20, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[Ozlsn]

19 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Jesus is not popping pills or watching ABC or NBC.

Gary you wouldn't have a clue whether he is or not. Also where on earth did that come from?

20 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says he's "just about to stop shoppin' there."

Like he does anyway - sits in the car ranting while Becky and Jacob do the hard yards.

On 7/19/2020 at 11:07 AM, wallysmommy said:

People better be turning water into wine and walking on water in order for people to want to come to a 2 week revival, no matter who is preaching.  Even more so with Gary.  That's just cruel and unusual punishment.

And offering the unlimited wine to the congregation - only way you would get me there!! (And it would need to be a half decent wine too, just saying).

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Ozlsn said:

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Jesus is not popping pills or watching ABC or NBC.

Gary you wouldn't have a clue whether he is or not. Also where on earth did that come from?

Jesus not popping pills is an old Gary-ism. Its origins, as far as I know, are lost in the obscurity of Gary's synapses.

As we all know, Jesus smoked weed.

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Jesus not popping pills is an old Gary-ism. Its origins, as far as I know, are lost in the obscurity of Gary's synapses.

As we all know, Jesus smoked weed.

I have to say Gary creates Jesus in his own image in one of the most subconsciously obvious ways. Jesus watches OAN! Reads the KJV! Doesn't pop pills! Only likes "good" music! Probably watches football and leaps up for touchdowns! (OK, tries to.) 

I don't think Gary can conceive of Jesus as a middle eastern, non-English speaking man at all. 

[feministxtian]

"let her get a manicure"???? Oh HELL no!!!! Just no! If I had to ask permission to get a mani/pedi/wax or get my hair done, I'd have been a single bitch LONG ago!

[AmazonGrace]

It is not called MAN-icure for no reason.

[3splenty]

Gary would have had a conniption if he would have been in church with me on Sunday.  Why?

Pastor told a joke.  During the sermon.  And we laughed.

He never yelled, slammed the bible down on the pulpit or threatened everyone with the fires of hell.  However, he got his point across.

He didn't insult other races, nationalities, or creeds. Not to mention, he didn't say which biblical translation was best.

Oh, and our church has air conditioning, unlike Gary's tent.

[wallysmommy]

11 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I have to say Gary creates Jesus in his own image in one of the most subconsciously obvious ways. Jesus watches OAN! Reads the KJV! Doesn't pop pills! Only likes "good" music! Probably watches football and leaps up for touchdowns! (OK, tries to.) 

I don't think Gary can conceive of Jesus as a middle eastern, non-English speaking man at all. 

Yes, Jesus does leap up for touchdowns.  As a Loyola grad, we all called him Touchdown Jesus.  Oh, Gary, I not only have a doctorate, my bachelors came from an ebil Catholic university.

[FeministShrew]

Yes, Gary, I was, and am, "scared of the flu." That's why I get a flu shot every year. If a Covid-19 shot existed, you bet your lazy ass I'd get one. 
My daughter went to Walmart here yesterday, and said the store was wiped out. She's guessing it's because people flocked in to buy everything up before the mask requirement went into effect today. Publix & Ingles were fine.

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, 3splenty said:

Pastor told a joke.  During the sermon.  And we laughed.

Gary would have disliked the rest of the things you listed, but this wouldn't have fazed him a bit, unless it was from envy.

Gary tells jokes (on purpose, not just the things we find ridiculous) throughout his sermons, with mixed results. The pastor in Maine was bent double and literally slapping his knee at times.

Of course, there is some crossover with the other things you mentioned - some of his jokes are insulting. I assume your pastor's was not.

I bet your pastor doesn't have to ask if he's making sense, at regular intervals.

Just one biscuit, to be divvied up? Sounds like a Rod meal.

I think that serving starchy, fatty food before an evening service is a mistake, Gary. They'll be dozing no matter how loudly you yell.

 

[Granwych]

On 7/12/2020 at 10:27 AM, AmazonGrace said:

They should wear a mask to reduce the risk of leaving their DNA around for the government to find and map. All that spit they insist on spreading contains their DNA

Do these people ever get any blood tests? 

How do we get them implanted with a brain?

as for implanting a brain, the subject has to want one first.

[Ozlsn]

13 hours ago, feministxtian said:

"let her get a manicure"???? Oh HELL no!!!! Just no! If I had to ask permission to get a mani/pedi/wax or get my hair done, I'd have been a single bitch LONG ago!

I'm assuming your income level is a fair way above the Hawkins though, and that your relationships tended towards the equal partnership rather than patriarchal. I could see "let her" being Becky-speak for "we actually have some disposable income!"  Even so though..  I am dubious, and doubt that any of Gary's relationships have been equal partnerships.

[thoughtful]

Time for tonight's revival recap. Someone may need to revive me - Gary was especially oafish and offensive tonight. There is a small child cooing and chatting off and on throughout the service, and I hate the fact that he had to hear Gary bellowing and roaring about death and burning in Hell.

We hear music (recorded, I think, and rather country-gospel) as the video begins, and Jacob delivers Gary's water bottle to Becky at the piano.

All sing Amazing Grace (which is not by Fanny Crosby. Did you know she was blind?).

Gary says it's good to be in church, and talks about someone in Texas who used to have a month-long revival every year. Hint, hint.

The Hawkinses sing the song about thinking God has deserted them, and Becky sings the one based on the "only one hour" text about Gethsemene. I fast-forwarded.

Gary tells the story of Spurgeon stopping in the middle of crossing the street because he had a bad thought and knew he had to pray immediately. He announces the reading, then interrupts himself to tell a story about another old-time preacher turning down invitations to go out to eat so he could pray some more. Then he rambles on about when they eat and long-winded preachers, and jokes about how long he's going to keep them there, and blahblahblah.

Eventually he gets to Matthew 25, and reads some of it right.

After the usual Pharisees and Sadducees joke, he asks what Jesus would think of you if you sat down to have coffee with him.

Joe Biden and a lot of Baptist preachers are puppets.

"It's be a shame for me to go across this country and try to make a mowk* out of the Hawkins family. ** That'd be pretty shameful, amen? Well, 'at'd be the same way when ya come to thinkin' about, shouldn't be y'know, goin' 'round here 'n' makin' shame of our Lord Jesus Christ, because we're ambassadors for the Lord Jesus Christ amen. Am I makin' sense this morni - this afternoon?"

*yes, that's "mock" again.
**Did everybody think "too late!"

Matthew 25, BTW, is about the wise and foolish virgins. Now, I would think that Gary would use that as a springboard to the "be ready, the Lord could come any time" rhetoric which he so dearly loves. But nope - from that he got stuff about whether Jesus would like you over coffee and being a good ambassador.

Genesis 19:14 - Lot lost his wife when she became a pillar of salt. Gary says Becky's usually with him physically, but "mentally, I'm not sure where she's at sometime, amen?"

I'm happy to say he gets no laugh.

However, he gets some instant karma. Only a few minutes later, he tries to rattle off the old saw about sin, says "it'll keep ya longer than ya wanna stay, cost ya more than ya wanna pay, and, uh uh" freezes, then asks "what's the third one, Becky?"

Who's the one with the vacant mind again, Gary?

Becky says nothing - I'd like to think it was payback, but I just think she can't untangle it in time, because it's the first part he forgot (sin will take you farther than you want to go).

Gary tries again, still starts with the second part, still gets lost, then just goes on to something else.

Lot's children were "makin' mowk of him, makin' fun of him, because wha? Well, when ya go to hangin' out with sodomites, that's just what happens."

Gary says that, when they go through a drive-through, Jacob likes to give the server the money and a tract, and get the food. They were somewhere once where they saw someone throw out a tract.

Only once? People are so polite (or the wastebaskets in the fast food places are close enough to the drive up window that they can't be seen from the car).

But Gary knows they will get their comeuppance. He tells a story that he heard from a man who was helping him when his truck broke down once (because of course), about Oliver (Gary says "Olive" but I don't know if he was the NICE Olive) B. Greene holding a tent revival in Pennsylvania where nobody came up to get saved. And, from that day on, no business that opened on that spot could succeed.

Gary tells about a man who was out washing his truck when Gary was wandering around door-knocking. The man asked him to leave his property and asked if he had a permit. Gary said he didn't think fast enough, or he would have told the man "I do have a permit - it's called the King James Bible, and it says JOE YE INTO ALL THE WORLD!"

Joe? Isn't it go?

"We got a gang of people out there today that thinks that only a certain race matters."

OK, Gary, you've ticked off the sexism, racism and anti-gay boxes - but, wait! There's more! We're back to sexism.

He tells the story of how his Daddy got saved. Gary's grandmother had stopped going to church (Gary reminds us that there is no good reason for this), and so did his father. Then his father got married, "had children or whatever" (I like the idea of Gary describing himself as a "whatever"). His grandmother got back into church, his father followed suit, and "we got into a woman preacher's church, and there really no such a thing, amen, ya cain't preach, women, HAYMEN!"

Gary's father really liked the church, and the woman preacher. One day God sent Charles Sutton, who showed Daddy the Bible. Gary doesn't say what it was in the Bible that changed Daddy's mind, but right after that they changed churches.

Well, that was anti-climactic.

Luke 23:39-43 Now he starts talking about being ready because we don't know when the Lord is coming.  Gary, do you know what any of these stories and parables are about?

Gary, as part of his "we could go any time" spiel, asks a member of the congregation: "How old was your nephew?" We hear a voice say "nineteen," and Gary continues "Nahnteen - don't you think that's awful young to die? But ah'ma tell you ah've seen 'em younger than that," and proceeds to tell them about a stillborn baby, and a cousin of his who "fell over dead" in her thirties, sitting at the kitchen table making out a grocery list after working in the tobacco field all day.

Gary reads https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A39-43&version=KJV and goes into full roaring mode about how he's not better than anybody else, just saved by the grace of God.

He does, however, tell us that he does do good works - he has given people money for food. When was that, Gary?

The tadpoles are mentioned - he still gets no laugh, and still doesn't seem to understand why.

After some more ranting, Gary asks Becky to come to the piano, says a final prayer, announces and altar call, and then . . . continues to bellow for a few minutes.

On Judgment Day, if "you said you was saved, then you was thowed into the lake of fire because you rejected, that would be pretty embarrasin' amen?"

He lays on some more guilt, trying to get someone to come up, but there are no takers. He announces, with dramatic pauses that "tomorrow night . . .  six o'clock . . . won't be weeny gravy (takes a swig from his water bottle) - it'll be chicken."

As the video cuts off, he is telling the one about how Baptists eat chicken because of the cock that crowed when Peter denied Jesus.

 

Edited July 21, 2020 by thoughtful
why do I never see the riffles before I submit?

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells the story of Spurgeon stopping in the middle of crossing the street because he had a bad thought and knew he had to pray immediately

I take it this was long before the days of automobiles, as this sounds like a really stupid idea to me.

Although I suppose if you were desperate to meet your Maker then it might work.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

he asks what Jesus would think of you if you sat down to have coffee with him.

Well that's a new tangent for him. What would Jesus do... in the coffee shop.

And... earworm.

Spoiler

What if God were one of us?

Drinking mocha on the bus?

Trying hard not to loudly cuss

Cos Spurgeon's in the damn road...

 

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"I do have a permit - it's called the King James Bible, and it says JOE YE INTO ALL THE WORLD!"

Pretty sure that's God telling Gary to vote Biden. Right?

[EyesOpen]

You do the Lort’s work, @thoughtful. I just wonder what God would say if He had coffee with Gary...

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, EyesOpen said:

I just wonder what God would say if He had coffee with Gary...

This guy might know:

https://www.amazon.com/Coffee-Jesus-David-Wilkie/dp/0830836624/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

[feministxtian]

12 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I'm assuming your income level is a fair way above the Hawkins though, and that your relationships tended towards the equal partnership rather than patriarchal. I could see "let her" being Becky-speak for "we actually have some disposable income!"  Even so though..  I am dubious, and doubt that any of Gary's relationships have been equal partnerships.

There is no way in hell I'd be with someone who required me to ask permission before any self-care. I might be broke AF right now but dammit I'm going to look GOOD while I'm broke!!!

[AmazonGrace]

1 hour ago, EyesOpen said:

You do the Lort’s work, @thoughtful. I just wonder what God would say if He had coffee with Gary...

[thoughtful]

  

Mmmmm, spiritual food in songs.

Here is tonight's spiritual food. It's full of word salad and unplanned, unfinished ideas, with a dash of pride, lots of petulance and some true horror.

When the video begins, Gary's water bottle is already on a chair near the lectern. The congregation is mumbling and moaning At Calvary - or, as Gary pronounces it "At Calvohree." The Hawkinses sing - I fast forwarded.

Gary greets them by telling them we will soon get out of this sin-filled world and he's looking forward to it - so cheery! Then comes "good to be in church," a bit of his upcoming itinerary, we're in uncertain times, the TV lies to you, etc.

OK - to the Bible - https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A12-14&version=KJV

The similitude of Adam's transgression, who is the figure of him that was to come becomes "the simplitude of Adam's transgression, who is the figurative of him that was to come."

Tonight's theme is "what sin will cost." Throughout this message, he keeps repeating that he has nobody specific in mind, he's not aiming this at anyone, really he's not, nope, nuh-uh.

Gary's got three cousins he hopes are saved, but he thinks not, based on their testimony. One died of an overdose.

Gary veers off into the story of the man he worked with who sent him home smelling like dope. I guess we'll get back to the cousins later.

"You think about TODAY, stuff that they got, ah mean, they take - they take needles today and stick it in their bodiesss - they dri- they - they drink stuff that worser than gra- what we would call as grass, ah'm not talkin' about the stuff you mow out in your yard amen."

Gary, injecting and drinking intoxicants is not a modern invention. Your "good old days" fantasy is full-blown nostalgia neuralgia.

He tells us that when he was preaching in Oklahoma, there was a "pot house" across the street (well, not directly - Gary slices the air with a slantwise motion of his arm and tells us it was "raht dagnag'l *" from the church). And they claimed it was legal because "they say they usin' it for medical use." Gary seems cynical about this.

* right diagonal

Back to sin (but, but, what about the other two cousins? Are they still alive?). Job gets a mention, and the baby who sins by crying if you leave the room. He knows he won't get a lot of amens preachin' on sin, but people need to hear it.

Oooh, he yells a story I've never heard. A man was invited to church by a door-knocking pastor, and said he'd be there on Sunday. Saturday night, he went to the "honky-tonks," and saw a woman from that church dancing with another woman's husband. He decided not to go to church. When the pastor went to his house and asked him why he didn't come to church (Gary reminds us that "this is when people didn't lie quite as bad" - ah, the good old days!), the answer was that, if it was OK for her to do that, he didn't need to come to church.

So, one asshole has told us the story of another asshole.  And no, there's no follow-up point. I think he's trying to tell us that people make excuses for sinning.

"AM AH MAKIN' SENSE TONIGHT?"

? ???

Those are crickets, in case that isn't clear - same yell, same result, 3-4 times during the message.

He says that Jesus died on the cross, then, clearly disappointed that he forgot something, goes back and says "Jesus dahd own an ol'ruggedcross."

Genesis - So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Gary says "flaming fire" instead of flaming sword.

"It costed Adam and Eve their perfectness." Gary mumbles some half-joke about whether that's a word.

Which one, Gary - costed or perfectness?

And what about the other two cousins?

He launches into yelling about a preacher whose wife had terrible seizures (hey, Gary, you pronounce it correctly when you mean seizures, how about not pronouncing that way when you mean "Caesar's?"). He freezes. He mumbles a bit about not remembering why he started that story, then concludes that it doesn't matter, and that "God didn't want me to say that."

For the first time ever, I have learned something from Bro Gary. This is a brilliant use of being a stupid, forgetful, pigheaded, scatterbrained narcissist. If you lose your train of thought, claim that God didn't want you to say whatever was supposed to come next!

Talk about the perfect out, the ideal excuse - students taking tests, politicians debating, witnesses on the stand, cheating spouses - so many people could make use of this! Gary, thank you for this gift!

Spoiler

Nobody tell Donald Trump.

Anyway, back to sin.

Gary asks them to turn to Judges 16:17, and he reads from 16:16. Anyway, it's Samson, and what I like to think of as the bar-bet verses from Fitzwilly (can't find that scene anywhere online, darn it).

Disobedience is as witchcraft.

Back in the day, preachers cast out demons.

1 Kings 11:3 And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.

It really sounds like "porcupines" when he says "concubines" - I think it's sort of a blend of the two - kowrnk-u-pahns (29:45ish, if anyone wants to check).

Oh, and of course he stopped after saying "700 wives" to throw in a gag about how he can't even afford one. He also cracks wise about being glad he lives in modern times, because Becky wouldn't allow another woman in the house.

So original, that Gary.

He talks about the pandemic in the past tense, and wonders why people are still skeered. Hey, guys - Gary says it's all over! Let's hug!

Gary says he wasn't planning to say what he's saying, and tells us about other times God changed what he was going to say. I won't bore you with the details, but, believe me, it shows. He's all over the place.

And I'd take that confusion (or "mess," as Gary would say), over the next place his mind wanders, which is under a spoiler for disturbing content.

Spoiler

Gary tries to explain to us how his kids sometimes didn't own up to their misdeeds.

"Whenever we had all seven our kids together, one 'em would do somethin' 'n' - they would uh - uh, and, uh - nobody wouldn't admit it. Uh uh the people -  the kids we had at our house they names was Nobody, Ah Don't Know (Becky speaks over him, and I miss some) different kinda things or whatever they was sayin'. So, y'know nobody done it. amen? 'N' so Becky would line 'em up and lit'rally whup 'em, 'til one of 'em either confessed, or one of 'em lied 'n' said 'I done it' so they could quit gittin' whuppins. Matter of fact, Jacob just said somethin' about that the other day, di'n't he?"

Yeah, I'm sure it's a lovely memory he will cherish forever. I just hope he doesn't follow in your footsteps and do that shit to his kids.

Gary confesses that he was worried whether he'd be able to preach 16 messages at this revival - he implies that he doesn't want to repeat himself, which is nice comic relief from the previous shit.

Then he forgets what he was going to say, yells "WISDOM!" and remembers - he spent lots of time praying before deciding to go out on the road preaching, to make sure the call really came from God and not Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+7%3A21-24&version=KJV -

Noah - every creeping thing comes out "every creepy thing" - twice.

You all know his Noah riff.

Gary bellows about how it's not his fault, the blood is not on his hands, if people he gives a tract throw it out - they're rejecting Jesus. There's a real "neener-neener" tone about his roaring.

Ooooh, Gary has a new addition to his image of Jesus sitting and waiting to announce the end of the world. Yes, he's still on the edge of his seat, but now Gary says he's been practicing on his trumpet!

Huh - I guess I can now tell my students that nobody  can learn a musical instrument without practicing, and I mean nobody!

No mention of the stored-up blood or washrag this time.

Here's Gary imitating Jesus, on the edge of his seat and ready to rumble:

Spoiler

Gary went to pick up a chair someone was giving his mother, and on their porch was a casket. The man told him he "SLEEPS in that thing!" Gary screams about how he doesn't want to try out his casket before he dies, because he's not going to be in it, so he doesn't care how it feels.

I think you might have skipped a part of that story, Gary - was trying it out for comfort actually the reason that man claimed he slept in a casket? Are you sure he wasn't just shitting you because he could see what a dolt you are? Was there a sign in front of the house that looked like this?

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A13-16&version=KJV

"Famine" has a long A sound, as ever with Gary.

Gary's grandmother was a hog farmer.

Gary starts shitting on the Southern Baptist Convention, and claims they don't know what the Bible is, and don't know what music is, and "even give money to abort babies."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+26%3A15&version=KJV

This sets off the "our country's being sold out, we're losing our religious rights," crap. You know the drill.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+5%3A1-11&version=KJV - Ananias and Sapphira dropping dead because they were caught lying.

His wife also being privy to it becomes "his wife also being prah- pravily to it," and the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him  becomes "the young men arose, wounded, woo - wounded him up," etc. Gary, he was already dead - they didn't need to wound him.

He warns us to keep vows, and tells us triumphantly how he didn't have to pay for that thing from when Obama was president, where you had to pay extra if you didn't have insurance, because he didn't earn enough. Then he does his usual shtick about his taxes.

And we're back to the "they go to Walmarts and Lowes but they can't go to church" shit.

After going on and on about how God provides for him, and all money really belongs to God, he asks "Y'ever heard the saying 'Ya cain't out-give God?' Ya ever tried it?"

Hmmm, Gary - sounds like a great challenge. Who would I give it to? Thinking . . .

If you want to find a church in a new town, go to the barber shop and ask who is the meanest and hardest preacher in town. "There's a difference between a pasture . . . and a . . .woof."   Wolf? It's at 1:03:30, if anyone wants to take a crack at it.

We get a description of someone Gary knows with "mouth cancer," for no discernible reason.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+19%3A16-22&version=KJV

Nothing wrong with having things and money, as long as you don't put them before God. Oh, Gary, I don't want to be like the young man in Matthew ! What should I do with all of this extra money, and weens, and White Lily Flour, and truck parts? Tell me!

"The big god of our world has been taken away from us." That would be sports. Gary once passed up going to see an auto race, because it was on Sunday.

Becky's grandparents collected antiques, and Becky bought some from them. Gary doesn't know why, since she leaves 'em all in a storage buildin'. 

He mumbles something at 1:10:09, then makes a sound I've never heard from him (or any other living thing) - an incredibly loud yelp, like something bit him. Then he yells (I think) "Glory to God" and promises to preach on yard sales tomorrow night.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+7%3A26-27&version=KJV

Gary mentions a cousin - one of the cousins he left out at the beginning? Is he actually wrapping up something he left hanging? Nah, it's a cousin in construction who went down to Louisiana after a big hurricane, and said he doesn't even know "why them people live there, and rebuild houses, because it's nothin' but sand."

Gary tells us about what he's been eating lately, how kids' songs have a message for adults, and how people end up in prison because they can't be trusted.

"Ah got one o' mah daughters,  talkin' 'bout the biggest liar in America. Huh - she'd make the - she'd make the devil look like he's backin' up."

Gee, Gary, I wonder how she learned to lie? It's not like an authority figure ever created a situation in which lying just to make the pain stop was one of the best options.

I'm so glad Becky's kids are with their father.

Where are the other two cousins? At the Maxwells', cutting lettuce with a pizza cutter?

Edited July 22, 2020 by thoughtful
riffles

[larrysmom]

On 7/21/2020 at 12:57 AM, thoughtful said:

Genesis 19:14 - Lot lost his wife when she became a pillar of salt. Gary says Becky's usually with him physically, but "mentally, I'm not sure where she's at sometime, amen?"

Wow...this is not the first time we've seen him throw her under the bus then need her help almost immediately after.

[thoughtful]

2 minutes ago, larrysmom said:

Wow...this is not the first time we've seen him throw her under the bus then need her help almost immediately after.

Yes. And she is often the first to giggle.

How much of it has anything to do with Becky's personality or their actual relationship is hard to gauge, because Gary loves stale stereotypical jokes about wives, husbands, marriage and teenagers.

As with his rants about honky-tonks, Elvis, I Love Lucy and Andy Griffith (excuse me - Griffin), his relationship jokes are from many decades ago (and would have had me rolling my eyes even back then). He defaults to the stupid jokes that would have come from an oaf of another era, probably repeating something he thought was amusing or insightful from the recorded sermons he devours like weeny gravy.

People wonder how Jill's aesthetic got stuck in the 80s, when she was a teen and learned cosmetology in the 90s. Gary's brain is like Jill's hair, only it's even more amazing - he insists on being a shallow stereotype of an out-of-touch 1950s grandpop, and he was born in 1972!

[CTRLZero]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Oooh, he yells a story I've never heard. A man was invited to church by a door-knocking pastor, and said he'd be there on Sunday. Saturday night, he went to the "honky-tonks," and saw a woman from that church dancing with another woman's husband. He decided not to go to church. When the pastor went to his house and asked him why he didn't come to church (Gary reminds us that "this is when people didn't lie quite as bad" - ah, the good old days!), the answer was that, if it was OK for her to do that, he didn't need to come to church.

This sounds suspiciously like an embellishment of the lyrics "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels."  (Kitty Wells earworm commencing.)  Haymuhn!

I get the feeling he cobbles his sermons together from songs he hears on his long drives and old episodes he watched on the teevee in his youth.

 

[thoughtful]

As tonight's video begins, the Hawkinses are singing God Has Been So Good to Me. Gary has his hands shoved in his pockets as he sings. Not that there's anything unusual about that - he usually does. But, with this song, I can't help thinking it's to prevent him from turning (and letting go of) an imaginary steering wheel, since he practices this one in the car so much.

Gary's water bottle is on the piano, ready for him.

Jacob goes back to the pew with Becky. Gary moves the small lectern, and then actually helps another man bring the large one into place (although I think I hear him say Jacob's name before volunteering), talking the whole time about people who get cut off by their families when they reject their religion and accept Christ. Maybe he's already feeling peppy due to his weight loss.

Spoiler

In fact, among the verbal detritus in Gary's pre-Bible-reading ramble, he tells us that his clothes are getting too small (Becky reminds him that he means too big, not too small).

Today's theme is The Church.

1 Corinthians 12 - Gary starts reading from the beginning, with difficulty. He reads the word accursed as "accused" (he keeps re-reading, but still says "accused" three times). For  diversities he says "devai" and freezes - Becky tells him the word. For administration he says "admiration." Then he realizes he wanted to start at verse 12. ?

He grinds and stumbles his way through https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+12%3A12-31&version=KJV

Tempered becomes "tempted," honored becomes "honorable," covet becomes "covenant" and interpret becomes "interpretay."

In case you want to guess how Gary reads the word schism before I tell you, I have put it under a spoiler:

Spoiler

skimmage

"THE CHURCH!"

He does OK with the metaphor of parts of the human body being like members of the church, working together despite being unique, for a while. But, this is Gary - soon the word salad and childish petulance begin.

Gary reminds them they have to bring a Bible to church - he wants them to check and make sure he's reading things right and correcting him if he's wrong (Gary, if someone stopped you for everything you misread in that passage from 2 Corinthians, the reading would have taken an hour!).

But, right after this humble statement, he says "how 'boutchu try 'n' git up here 'n' preach, 'n' see how nervous 'n' you git after a while amen?

He tries to make a joke about corona also being the name of a beer, and they're both bad. Five months ago might have been better timing, Gary.

He whines on about how people don't do enough for their church, and always blame the preacher if they "don't get nothin' out of church."

The usual disclaimers about not aiming this at anybody in particular are scattered throughout, as is the claim that this wasn't what he planned to say, but God told him to say it.

In whining and complaining about people who come to church to whine and complain (can you buy irony meters by the gross?) Gary claims he wants to get a "paceefair" (pacifier), and stick in your mouth if he sees you "poochin' it up."

Haven't heard that one in a while, Gary.

He says the same preacher from whom he got the pacifier idea also made up songs. Gary says he was singing one, "When the Saints Come Draggin' In," before this service, "when Miss Jeannie come in," and starts imitating her complaining about having to be at church every evening for a two week revival, after a hard day at work, then roars about how you'd go to work if they threatened to fire you, and don't get mad about it!

So much for this not being aimed at anyone in particular. He is talking about the pastor's wife (who works at Cornell), and I'm pretty sure he thinks this is innocent teasing (near the end of the whole harangue, he tells people they should volunteer to come in and help her clean the church). I hope she was amused - I wasn't.

Along the same lines (isn't teasing women fun?), he makes some stupid joke about asking Becky if she treated her patients like she treats him when he's sick. She said yes, and he told her "no wonder they didn't want you in that room." Becky giggles throughout this.

Rock 'n' roll in church makes God get all "scrinched up," like so:

Spoiler

"Turkey having a seizure" makes an appearance, along with the rest of Gary's rant against speaking in tongues (his sister's in that mess, and she knows it's wrong). He tries to explain that the "speaking in tongues" in the Bible was just translating, but, well, let's just say his explanation is less than sensitive culturally:

"If a Chahnese or a Spanish or whoever comes in here, like - when was it, couple years ago we was in here and Tiffany and her husband from - wherever they at - was here, she had to interpret what he was sayin'."

Gary reminds us that this is the only good church in Groton, and addresses the possibility that someone might want to go to the church where their grandparents are buried, in his usual gentle manner, waving his arm and screaming at the top of his lungs, "Whoever, gramma or grandpa or whoever else it is who's buried there, wherever they're at, they're sayin'  'Please leave! Please leave! Go somewhere where they'll preach the devil outta ya, and they'll tell ya the truth, and they'll tell ya what God says!' That's what they'd say!"

In case they didn't catch on that Gramma and Grandpa are yelling this from Hell (where they have to be, because they went to that other church), Gary tells us he knows that's what they'd say because the rich man (from the Lazarus story, of course), after he can't get any water, begs God to tell his relatives how to avoid Hell.

God rebukes and punishes Gary. And we're back to things that need to be under a spoiler for violent content:

Spoiler

If your child acts up in the grocery store, "best thing for ya to do is when ya do git 'em home beat the snot out of 'em, amen? It won't hurt 'em."

He reminds us that Proverbs says "if you don't whup your children you hate 'em. Take it up with God if you don't like it, 'cause He's the one that wrote it."

He snarks nastily about a church in SC called The Rock - they preach the same message on Wednesday as they did on Sunday, so what's the point? This from the most repetitive man in the history of redundantly repeating oneself and saying the same things over and over. And over.

They get everybody up and "boogie-woogying" at The Rock - he posits that people go there because "they need the extercise."

Gary, demonstrating how they boogie-woogie at The Rock:

Spoiler

"The guy" at The Rock said they were going to read through "Revelations," but they were not going to talk about God. "One of the guys was sayin' somethin' and the preacher or" (mockingly) "whatever you call 'em at The Rock turned around 'n' said 'SHUT UP! We'll take keer o' this in mah office. We're not talkin' about God.'"

I wonder where Gary heard these stories. The literary phrase "unreliable narrator" comes to mind - can't imagine why.

"We need sound doctrine, not yo-yo doctrine."

Spoiler

I dunno, Gary - I'd take either of the above before the bullshit you spew.

A few years ago, Gary and two family members all had chiggers. They all went to the same doctor, who said he didn't know what it was, but he could cure it, and they each got a different medicine.

He never explains why he told that story, but I bet everyone in the church was as itchy as they were confused, just hearing about it.

We get a bellow-fest about how awful schools are, because they don't pray anymore.

Gary says that being an evangelist doesn't mean you get to sit around in your recliner. He fails to mention that sometimes, instead of a recliner, you sit outside a cabin in a bucolic setting, or at a table full of food someone else paid for, or in the seat of your truck, spouting off on Facebook for your own ego - er, for God.

He says "There are lazy missionaries and ah know some."

Gary, be careful that you don't cause a skimmage at Heritage Baptist!

Edited July 23, 2020 by thoughtful
for redundancy, ironically