Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[GlitterJam]

1 hour ago, Ozlsn said:

I'm seriously starting to wonder if he has a neurodegenerative condition and Becky is hanging in there for the inheritance.

Ah yes, that sweet, sweet broken down RV and truck swimming in a miasma of arrogance, sweat, and weeny gravy.

Get it, girl!

[Lillymuffin]

2 hours ago, GlitterJam said:

Ah yes, that sweet, sweet broken down RV and truck swimming in a miasma of arrogance, sweat, and weeny gravy.

Get it, girl!

And the hat. Don’t forget his ridiculous hat!!

[Four is Enough]

@thoughtful, LOVED "I'm using my Bible for a roadmap"... where do you find all these songs?

 

And Becky, people buy from Walmart and other stores, rather than from all the vendors you named.. because it's more affordable, and Walmart doesn't ask you to "have a party/gathering/get together" to sell more of the stuff. Nor do they ask you to become a vendor yourself..

[AmazonGrace]

Support your local pyramid scheme victims! 

I was invited to a Golden Neolife Dynamite sales meeting once and imo the dude who spoke there was an aspiring cult leader.

I don't buy from sales reps because it's so much easier to walk into a store and pick whatever I want than hunt some rep somewhere. Thankfully none of my friends and family are into this sort of thing.

[Alisamer]

5 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I'm seriously starting to wonder if he has a neurodegenerative condition and Becky is hanging in there for the inheritance.

*whispers*

I think you mistook Becky for Melania, there.

[K'Z'K]

On 8/4/2020 at 12:19 AM, wallysmommy said:

I have good friends with the last name Lord.

Please tell me one of them is named Daniel.

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

@thoughtful, LOVED "I'm using my Bible for a roadmap"... where do you find all these songs?

Google does that, based on whatever lyrics I can figure out from the Hawkinses' mumbled singing. It's understanding what they're singing that's hard, and even that is not so much a matter of skill as patience while I force myself to listen.

It's an education for me, too - sometimes fascinating, sometimes saddening, and always an insight into the narrow (and occasionally hypocritical) definition of what Gary deems appropriate. I'm familiar with several categories of church music, and only from school and work, since I never attended a church. I know a lot of the classical choral repertoire, spirituals, and hymns from the Episcopal and LDS hymnals.  And I've picked some up from films.

There is some crossover - I've sung and conducted several of the songs used in the churches. But most of the ones that Becky finds for their performances - excuse me; specials -  are new to me.

Despite Gary's claim that he wants them to sing with joy, they make even the lively songs sound like dirges. Some of that may be due to Becky's still being a beginner on the piano, but that's a reason to wait and keep practicing, not slow the song down. Or, it could be due to Gary's desire to smooth out all of those peppy songs with syncopation (of the DEVIL!) in the rhythm.

Here are two more recordings of I'm Using My Bible For a Roadmap:

Spoiler

 

 

Oh, and my first thought about what Becky would inherit if Gary died was . . . two pounds of weens.

ETA - and, as the granddaughter of a woman who started a still-thriving family business with a few items sold from her home in the 1920s, I am all for supporting individuals in business for themselves. Other than the grocery, hardware and thrift stores, and the very rare need for a new car, computer or appliance, virtually everything I buy is from craftspeople, artists and local small businesses.

I don't know if Becky is being stupid or dishonest (why not both?) when she exhorts people to buy from friends involved in MLMs under the guise of supporting a small business.

Edited August 5, 2020 by thoughtful

[Alisamer]

15 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Despite Gary's claim that he wants them to sing with joy, they make even the lively songs sound like dirges. Some of that may be due to Becky's still being a beginner on the piano, but that's a reason to wait and keep practicing, not slow the song down. Or, it could be due to Gary's desire to smooth out all of those peppy songs with syncopation (of the DEVIL!) in the rhythm.

That reminds me of going to a small, rural baptist church for an extended family event at a Sunday morning service a few years ago. I rode with my parents, and my mom likes to listen to the gospel radio station. The last song on that station before we got there was the slowest version of "how great thou art" that I have ever, ever heard. Like it just kept going on and on forever. It sounded truly like a dirge. I don't know how they managed to sing it like that, since they were holding out syllables so long I was surprised they didn't stop to breathe in the middle of them.

We arrived, and went in the church, and the first hymn we sang was the battle hymn of the republic. The piano player was the leader, and set the pace. It was about quadruple time and was so incredibly fast hardly anyone could get all the words out! Mineeyeshaveseenthegloryofthecomingofthelord... so fast. The people in front of us were also not from the church, and they (and I) were visibly trying not to laugh out loud at how ridiculous it was. 

 

I'm not sure which Gary would prefer - stretch it out so slow all joy is drained out, or sped up ridiculously to speed up the service!

[Four is Enough]

@thoughtful, MAC WISEMAN!! Haven't heard him in years! Thanks!

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Alisamer said:

The last song on that station before we got there was the slowest version of "how great thou art" that I have ever, ever heard. Like it just kept going on and on forever. It sounded truly like a dirge. I don't know how they managed to sing it like that, since they were holding out syllables so long I was surprised they didn't stop to breathe in the middle of them.

Becky's dirge-like tempi always remind me of the Ambrose Chapel scene in the 1957 version of The Man Who Knew Too Much. It's on this blog post - scroll down to the "kludgy recording" -

http://noliinsipientiuminiuriaspati.blogspot.com/2018/03/from-whence-these-dire-portents-around.html

Here's the melody, Buford, with different text, at an appropriate speed:

Spoiler

 

Gary can't wait for tonight to preach - he had to do a live from the truck, on the way to take Becky to the "Kayro-practir" before going to his next gig. At least we get to see cute Rascal, resting on his new NY Yankees beanbag, which Jacob found at a yard sale.

Spoiler

Gary tells us to go to Wednesday church, and that Facebook is not your church. Now, Gary, you can't keep Facebook all for yourself, no matter how addicted you are.

God decided to destroy everyone with a flood, and today it's "as it was in the days of Noeeh - oh mah goodness, oh mah goodness, oh mah goodness, wickedness, wickedness, wickedness, the way it is amen?"

"People are dahin' right and left, ah'm tellin' ya raht now, they are dahin', whether they dahin' of the Covid-19 or whether they dahin' of cancer, or whether they dahin' of  - whatever the disease is."

"Jeremiah, the weepin' prophet - he said 'Ah ain't gon' mention Your name, no more, o Lord, never again!' But then he said 'Nope, there's somethin' down deep insaahd, that ah jest cain't shut up about you, 'n' ah gotta talk about You, and ah gotta talk about the goodness of God, the love of God, the greatness of God, 'n' hey, listen hey, even the correction of God,' amen?" 

Thanks for the opportunities to cut and paste, G - it saves me time.

He reminds us about his sermon last night, and makes several attempts to get through Matthew 6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

"Keep yer mahnd clean, keep yer mouth shut."

Good advice, Gary - consider the latter half of it for yourself.

Becky is coughing. Hope it's nothing. But I'm concerned about her mind - based on her most recent post, she may be getting as garbled as Gary:

Spoiler

Maybe he wrote it. But then again, "I've," "someone's" and "they're" are correct, and "God" is not all caps.

Couldn't be Gary - HAYMAYUN!

Edited August 5, 2020 by thoughtful
ETA Annie link

[Ozlsn]

11 hours ago, GlitterJam said:

Ah yes, that sweet, sweet broken down RV and truck swimming in a miasma of arrogance, sweat, and weeny gravy.

Get it, girl!

Hey it'll go for at least $200 at the scrap yard!

7 hours ago, Alisamer said:

*whispers*

I think you mistook Becky for Melania, there.

It's that smoothing filter on the photo... easy mistake!

6 hours ago, K'Z'K said:

Please tell me one of them is named Daniel.

Or Jack - were you there when they crucified Jack Lord?

Spoiler

 

(Duh! Duh! Daaaah!)

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Oh, and my first thought about what Becky would inherit if Gary died was . . . two pounds of weens.

And some dodgy second hand tires. Which are slightly less edible.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Becky is coughing. Hope it's nothing.

Sincerely hope it's nothing as well. How many people and places have they been in contact with in the last two weeks?

Edited August 5, 2020 by Ozlsn

[thoughtful]

38 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Or Jack - were you there when they crucified Jack Lord?

Ah, but after three days, he rose, and said unto them:

Spoiler

 

And now I have Were You There and The 5-0 theme battling it out for earworm place in my head (which is OK - I like both).

[thoughtful]

OK, folks - Bible Believers Baptist Church, Newport PA. Another maskless, singing haven for Jesus and Covid.

The video begins with the congregation singing Satisfied,  Christ Liveth in Me, then Victory in Jesus. 

A man in the front row is already yelling, during the songs - Gary will like that. Uh-oh - little kids are running around (and I do mean around - it looks like they are circling the pews, over and over, at top speed) - he won't like that.

Yelling man turns out to be the pastor, who is casually dressed in a plaid shirt, no tie, no jacket (I hope Gary will forgive him) and talks about how salvation, not anything you've done, gets you to Heaven. What a surprise!

We don't see the running kids any more - maybe they were corralled, or maybe it's tradition that they get to burn off some energy during the songs, then have to go out to a kids' area or be still during the message.

He calls Gary up to preach, and we hear Becky say "You want your water?" so he will take it up with him rather than needing it delivered.

He greets them and tries the "Trump don't wear glasses" joke - the laughter is delayed and sounds more polite than actually amused, to me. But he does get a few "amens" when he says "Ah sure hope he has 2020, if the Lord's gonna tarry His comin', amen?"

He announces Ephesians 4, then yammers for while about some corn dish "ah don't know what it's called, but ah liked it."

Becky: "corn pie."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+4%3A17-33&version=KJV

Lots of errors and extra comments. Let's compare and contrast.

KJV: Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them
Gary: Having their having their understanding of darkness, uh being Allen - ailee - aileeated from uh the life of God through uh ig'rance that is in them

KJV: Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness
Gary: Who being who being past filling have given themselves over to lassiviness

KJV: That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
Gary: That ye must - that ye put off concerning the former conversations of the old man, with his corruption according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of mind;

KJV: And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
Gary: And that ye may - that ye may put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and truth holiness wherefore putting away lying speaking every word - uhuh every man truth with his neighbour for we are members one of another. You know what? Ah found out somethin' today - people rather hear a lah then hear the truth, amen?

KJV: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Gary: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edification, that it may menister grace unto the hearers.

KJV:  Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
Gary:  Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and cla - clammis, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

KJV:  And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Gary:  And be ye one - and be ye kind one another - and we don't like to use that word, amen? tenderhearted, giving - forgiving one another, even as God uh for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

I've been meaning to ask about Gary's little comments - I hate when he does it, but I just think it's stupid and petty. For church members who consider the KJV the sacred word of God, don't they think it's horrible for him to insert his own thoughts in the initial reading, when everyone is standing and the post-reading prayer (signaling the beginning of the message/sermon) hasn't been said yet?

Does anyone know the traditions of this kind of church well enough to know if people would be upset with him for that? It seems to me that they would, and that we'd hear him whining about being called out on it.

Gary's theme today is "What Ah'm Mad About."

Genesis 3:6 (   he says "verse 6" - singular! I never want to be one of those "he reads here, I know he reads here" people, but . . . well, let's see if he does it again). And yes, he didn't say much after that long reading from Ephesians - just a few sentences. ?‍♀️

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+3%3A6&version=KJV

Gary's mad about what people are lettin' sin do to them. He gets the three part quote right, with a small stumble.

The devil is the best artist - he does the routine about skinny pretty women on billboards.

Genesis 3, verse 4 (OK, that's twice) -  And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

Gary hates it when people listen to lies, and believe what they see on TV. Becky showed him something where people were callin' Covid the "Trump corona vahris - he's the one that done it."

Gary knows a preacher who just died of it two days ago, and another who just lost his wife to it. Gary knows it's real, but "it tain't no different than the rest of those fl- fl - vahrises."

He does his usual shit about preachers fighting, masks, etc. He says they have more freedom in Pennsylvania, and don't have to wear masks, so he's happy to be there. No, Gary, you have just been hanging around with people who don't give a fuck - PA has a mandatory mask order.

"Ah love mah Daddy dearly, ah love him with all mah heart, but they have just about turned him into a - uh uh uh wantin' t'be socialism." He pretends he's his father, yelling about lovin' all of that money coming in, and not having to do any work. Then says, as himself: "What happened to the generations, the old people, hey, you work what you - you get what you work for? Now they jus' give it to ya."

Says the paragon of hard work who lives off of others.

Oh, right - Gary rants on, reminding us that God takes care of him.

Spoiler

Gary's back to adding the "s" to verse (and, of course, to Revelation). If he was trying to change his ways, it has failed.

Revelation 2:4 - Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

He brings this back to Covid again, with his bullshit about staying home when you know you are sick. Gary claims he already had it, before it ever existed (neat trick) - he says he had every symptom (OK, he doesn't know the word "symptom" - he says "everything that they said that you go by, and and and what you have, ah've already had it"). He doesn't say when.

South Dakota's got a good governor (Gary gets apologetic about approving of a woman Governor) - she hasn't shut anything down or asked for masks. And everything's been fine. Not exactly, Gary.

We have to show God we love him, just like you show a person. Gary shows Becky by buying her stuff, and letting her get her fingernails and toenails done - he asks what that's called (again), and doesn't give her time to answer.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+5%3A30-31&version=KJV

Gary's mad at those that are holier-than-thou. He tells the story of the bus kids putting gum under the pews, and the pastor threatening to take the kids and start a new church when the snobs at his church were horrified. It's one of Gary's few good stories, and he does manage to tell it without too much crap about the kids' horrible homes this time.

He gives back one of the missing S's when he tells a story about preaching in "Illinoiss."

He screams about preachers not getting along, claiming they say "If you don't dot your T's and cross your I's 'n' all the rest of 'em just lahk ah do, we can't fellowship!"

Gary tells them about the man who texted to criticize him after watching one of the Groton videos, and says "Ah wanna find him so bad - in mah flesh - but ah wanna find him so bad, and beat the name of God at him. And see if ah can beat God IN him, amen."

But of course, Gary won't obey his flesh.

He messes up the Pharisees/Saducees joke, by making the second half "We don't need to be  hypocrites, 'cause they're not hip, you see."

He announces 1 Timothy 3:6, and reads 2 Timothy 3:6, among much rustling of turning pages while people try to figure out where he is. Gary reads two verses, and even starts with his usual follow-up phrase, "I wanna say that, uh," before he realizes that he really did mean 1 Timothy, and he's been reading the wrong thing.

Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.

Gary does his anti-college rant. He is horrified that a "God-called" man he knows sent his daughter somewhere that isn't even a Baptist college.    

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+11%3A4-5&version=KJV

Even Baptists are preaching a false Jesus, just like the Catholics. He rants about the verse in which the NIV puts the blood "down in the concordance part."

He scorns people who add words to the Bible. Uh, Gary . . .

Oh, wait - he takes this irony one step further, after announcing Revelations chapter 22, verses 18. It's time to compare and contrast again:

KJV: For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

Gary: For I testify unto every wo- every man that hearest the words of the prophet of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of the prophet, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in the book.

OK, it's actually only about five errors, which don't change the meaning much - not bad for Gary, but it's still ironic, considering how he goes on and on about every word of the KJV being God-inspired and sacred.

"Ah don't unnerstand all of it, ah just believe it."

He says they have to keep changing the NIV, just to "keep it interesting."

And of course he mentions the "sodomites' Bible."

He rambles to the end.

The pastor gets back up and reminds them of some good things a woman said in a previous service during her testimony, including that she needed to ask her husband about something (regarding her salvation, as far as I could tell), which the pastor liked, because these days people are getting away from the "natural order of things."

Edited August 6, 2020 by thoughtful
clarity, riffles

[Ozlsn]

23 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Ah, but after three days, he rose, and said unto them:

  Hide contents

 

And now I have Were You There and The 5-0 theme battling it out for earworm place in my head (which is OK - I like both).

This is why I was so disappointed I couldn't find the SNL version on YouTube - it combines them!

[larrysmom]

On 8/1/2020 at 3:24 PM, thoughtful said:

He tells us they're headed for Everett PA, then Newport PA. Pray for them.

Oh no - he's getting closer to me....!

[Dana723]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He screams about preachers not getting along, claiming they say "If you don't dot your T's and cross your I's 'n' all the rest of 'em just lahk ah do, we can't fellowship!"

Spoiler

 

[Ozlsn]

21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells them about the man who texted to criticize him after watching one of the Groton videos, and says "Ah wanna find him so bad - in mah flesh - but ah wanna find him so bad, and beat the name of God at him. And see if ah can beat God IN him, amen."

But of course, Gary won't obey his flesh.

Hm. This is not doing anything to lessen my conviction that Gary was violent in his first marriage. If that is your first response to criticism, and you are willing to admit it publically... you should probably get some anger management advice and strategies. I'm glad Gary's newfoundish Salvation is reducing his need to go out and assault people to prove that only he has the One True Faith... but if I were Becky or Jacob I wouldn't be relying on it.

[EyesOpen]

He really has a way with words... whew.  Perhaps it’s been discussed and I’ve forgotten. What is they sodomite’s bible’? That’s not a translation I’m familiar with...

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, EyesOpen said:

He really has a way with words... whew.  Perhaps it’s been discussed and I’ve forgotten. What is they sodomite’s bible’? That’s not a translation I’m familiar with...

I added a link to the text the first time he talked about it. He says the title, which most people think is just one of his jokes, then sometimes tells them to google it.

I think whoever worked on it shot themselves in the foot with the title, which would have better served as an in-joke working title. Something else might have helped the effort be taken seriously.

https://www.amazon.com/Queen-James-Bible-God/dp/0615724531

[thoughtful]

"He will save thoughts that will come to Him" is one of those mistakes that ends up sounding rather profound!

Spoiler

Spoiler

Two videos today, from the Church of the Ford Almighty.

Yesterday they "hung out" at the preacher's house. Preacher and his son went to work, but his DIL and grandchildren were home (no doubt, because that is "the natural order of things"). ? Jacob got to play all day.

They're headed back to New York for the rest of August.

"Ah don't know what-all's goin' on across our land, buncha crazy mess, y'know, ah listened, ah've listened to this thing a coupla tahms, that woman - yknow; ah unnerstand what a woman's place is,   but uh, that woman in South Dakota, the gov'ner, ah cain't pronounce her name, amen, but that woman in South Dakota she's doin' right. Y'know. Four people have dahd in South Dakota from this mess, 'n' there's been less than 20 - maybe even less than 10, but ah know less than 20 that have got it, 'n' all except for four have recovered."

Spoiler

Four people!

Gary, you ignoramus; https://www.keloland.com/news/healthbeat/coronavirus/covid-19-in-south-dakota-105-new-positive-cases-death-toll-rises-to-141-active-cases-at-987/

Gary tells us all about his diet and weight loss (and, of course, reminds us that he's fine with it if the Lord takes him tomorrow, but, if the Lord tarries His comin', he wants to be in good shape to serve Him). He tells us everything he's been eating lately. 

More of the usual Gary shit, as he reminds us of his recent messages and urges us to go back and listen to them.

At about 6:40, after some "they're preaching a false Jesus" stuff, he pauses, then says what sounds like "not bein' a novelist." I'm stumped. Is it a malapropism? Gary implying that anyone not using the KJV is writing fiction (he starts a KJV rant right after)? Do I just need to use Debrox again?

Second video - they are back in New York - "nobody ain't (inaudible - sounds like "feathered" - maybe it's "bothered") with us yet."

Music is playing, and it sounds like secular country or bluegrass to me - can't hear the lyrics, but they had better be about Jesus, Gary!

After some of the usual hypnotically thoughtless Gary shit about church and God, he reminds us again that he's back in NY, and tells us that "some of the Coe-vin sahns have even been taken down - don't know what that's all about." Right after he says that, he sees one, urging them to go to Health.gov for more information - I know this because he and Becky read it in unison.

"Praise the Lord, we're in good health. Glad they concerned about our health, amen. They really not. Bein' sarcastic there, but uh - "

Y'all have a good day!

 

Edited August 7, 2020 by thoughtful
dumping extra image

[thoughtful]

 It seems Gary now has the number 40 stuck in his head (better than 10 or 20, I guess) as the total number of cases in South Dakota. Is that progress?

Josh, stop watching the news - read conspiracy theories instead!

I'm a little frustrated that Josh answered him as if the 4/40 figures were real. South Dakota has had over 9000 cases, and 144 deaths - I wish someone Gary trusts would tell him that.

 

[Black Aliss]

On 8/5/2020 at 10:57 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary tells them about the man who texted to criticize him after watching one of the Groton videos, and says "Ah wanna find him so bad - in mah flesh - but ah wanna find him so bad, and beat the name of God at him. And see if ah can beat God IN him, amen."

 

I think we can safely speculate now on how Becky lost custody of her  children.

[thoughtful]

Another deluded comment on Gary's South Dakota post:

 

Aw, isn't that sweet?

Meanwhile:

https://kstp.com/minnesota-news/noem-uses-covid-19-restrictions-elsewhere-to-lure-business-/5818703/

Quote

Gov. Kristi Noem is using COVID-19 restrictions in other states to lure businesses to relocate to South Dakota.

In an online ad, Noem tells business owners to "grow their company" in South Dakota where government will stay out of their way.

"When it comes to supporting growth and eliminating government heavy-handed interference, South Dakota means business," Noem said in the ad from the Governor's Office of Economic Development.

The Republican governor says Minnesota's COVID-19-related restrictions, including a mandate to wear face masks in public buildings, has created an opportunity for businesses there to cross the border to South Dakota. Noem says in South Dakota, people's individual rights are respected and businesses won't be shut down.

In answer to the question "Who will you serve, God or Mammon?" Kristi says, "why not both?"

Edited August 8, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle, added something while I was at it

[thoughtful]

Gary has gotten a polite reminder of the actual SD numbers, from a fellow preacher.

 

ETA another comment. It's good to know that not everyone Gary knows is a raving lunatic.

Edited August 9, 2020 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

The argument under Josh's reply continues:

Spoiler

Judy, Gary says he knows it's real. He just thinks that asking people to wear masks and not congregate indoors is some sort of Democratic plot to make Trump look bad.

Gary has yet to realize that making himself look bad, with no help from anyone, is Trump's only skill.

ETA - two more comments, under Gary's original post, not the argument with Josh. I think Wanda is trying to say that the hardiness of South Dakotan's supposed resistance to the virus is due to their being anti-vaxxers. 

Spoiler

 

Edited August 9, 2020 by thoughtful