Dillards 82: Derick Spills the Tea

[purple_summer]

Did I miss the enneagram train??? I’m also a 6w5 but I’m an ENFJ and not an I-. If you really want to feel attacked you should follow the enneagram meme pages???

[Sullie06]

I'm going to be honest! I would be bragging on my hubby too if he topped my tank off so I didn't have to. I freaking HATE pumping gas. I looked down on my way to work this morning and I have less than a quarter of a tank and it's 8 degrees out. I do agree though that this might have been Jills way of telling us they have two cars. Jill..... are you here?

[theotherelise]

We probably did get it from some hokey Christian marriage book, but DH and I make a real point of noticing the super mundane little things that the other does to help.

Recent examples: I told him I saw he took care of dumping some old leftovers before trash day and that I really appreciated it, he noticed I organized the office supplies and thanked me, he filled up the hand soap in our bathroom which had been getting low, I changed out some lightbulbs which had gone out.

It is nice to have your small effort at the end of a long day seen and appreciated. But We’re also not on social media and don’t advocate for anyone’s relationship or marriage to look or be any particular way! 

whats funny about these fundie brags and literally everything Audrey Roloff posts is that a lot of it boils down to “be considerate and kind and pay attention to each other.” Social media just makes it all worse. (And the constant tingle of submission ?)

[Screamapillar]

If a fundie (or fundie-lite or however we want to classify the Dills these days) husband does something considerate for his wife and said wife doesn't blast it all over Instagram, did it really happen?

The Bates women are possibly worse than this than the Duggars, IMO. There was Erin's picture of a crumpled candy bar next to her foot bragging about how her husband was the bestest because he brought her candy, and just recently Whitney posted about her latest baby Khloe having RSV but the post quickly digressed into gushing about how amazing her husband is and how lucky she is to have him. I know plenty of non-fundies who gush about their partners on SM, too, but it bugs me more when it's done by people in a phallocentric cult.

My husband typically keeps my car filled with gas but I think a lot of it is because it bugs him that I prefer to pay at the pump while he prefers to pay inside. I made him take the enneagram thingy with me and he's an 8w7 and I'm a 3w2...based on the descriptions I guess that means that I "charm" his "maverick" personality into being a hero by saving me from the gas pump.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

I am absolutely guilty of gushing about my husband, not on SM but irl, to an obnoxious degree.

I did it when I was a smitten newlywed and I did it when things were falling apart.  By doing this and friends and family echoing how lucky I was trying to convince myself it was true.  

I left out all the parts of the marriage(s) that kept me up nights crying and afraid.

[Peaches-n-Beans]

Okay I might be reading into this too much, but that whole praise the husband for every tiny thing seems... infantalizing. Like how you praise a child for eating a bite of food. If my SO did a quarter of what Jill does I'd ask why they were treating me like these were hard tasks. 

[MaryOrMartha]

I'm enjoying reading about everyone's enneagrams. I just took a test to see what mine came back as, and as suspected I am a 7w8.

[Leftitinmysnood]

I will admit to spending the early years of our marriage talking up Mr. Snood's attributes to friends, but it was self defense, trying to set a better example, and a little gloating that we worked better as egalitarians, rather than complimentarians. I was in a church mom's group with mostly unhappy SAHMs (I worked) that often quickly turned into never-ending husband-bashing sessions. Most of them were happier after their kids weren't babies, most of them went back to work, some figured out they were clinically depressed and started medication, except for the one who got married for all the wrong reasons, had 4 kids, got messily divorced, then joined Gwen Shamblin's cult and still hasn't figured out how to instill perfection in her kids. The older lady who took it upon herself to teach us all the dutiful wife skills also got divorced. Bottom line, I think a lot of Jill's effusiveness is mommy friend peer pressure plus the need to look like a perfect Christian wife. It seems so fake.

[bal maiden]

8 hours ago, Peaches-n-Beans said:

Okay I might be reading into this too much, but that whole praise the husband for every tiny thing seems... infantalizing. Like how you praise a child for eating a bite of food. If my SO did a quarter of what Jill does I'd ask why they were treating me like these were hard tasks. 

I agree. And that kind of patronising praise isn't even good for a child either! 

[Jinder Roles]

I cannot stand when people (especially white people) who are diametrically opposed to Dr King’s vision and values quote him like he was some passive, non-threatening fairy. 

Best believe a lot of Republicans/conservatives would have ridiculed MLK if he was alive today. 

You voted for Trump, Derick. Shut up. 

[lil_secret]

15 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I left out all the parts of the marriage(s) that kept me up nights crying and afraid.

 I am so so sorry and hope you're in a much better place now!

[HerNameIsBuffy]

1 hour ago, lil_secret said:

 I am so so sorry and hope you're in a much better place now!

Oh yes, thanks!      It was ages ago...like a different lifetime.  I just mentioned it as for me the over enthusiastic praise for the man in my life (past the honeymoon phase) was only when I was trying to deny that the relationship was rocky.  I've seen enough picture perfect gushy FB posts from people I know irl to know I'm not the only one who's done that.  

13 hours ago, Leftitinmysnood said:

Bottom line, I think a lot of Jill's effusiveness is mommy friend peer pressure plus the need to look like a perfect Christian wife. It seems so fake.

I get this exact same vibe from Whitney Bates as well.  Not saying they aren't happy, but the OTT stuff seems to be performance.  

[lil_secret]

1 hour ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

OTT stuff seems to be performance.

It's the digital version of the Adoring Gaze

[Giraffe]

28 minutes ago, lil_secret said:

It's the digital version of the Adoring Gaze

YES! I’d never thought of this before but I completely agree with you! That’s why it bothers me. 

[apandaaries]

8 hours ago, Jinder Roles said:

I cannot stand when people (especially white people) who are diametrically opposed to Dr King’s vision and values quote him like he was some passive, non-threatening fairy. 

Best believe a lot of Republicans/conservatives would have ridiculed MLK if he was alive today. 

You voted for Trump, Derick. Shut up. 

I was recently enraged to see my fundie lite cousin post a quote on MLK Jr Day from fucking Huckabee about how he thought MLK wouldn’t want us to have a day off to celebrate his work. 
 

Spoiler

She’s Mexican-American, but she voted for Bush the Second, as well. Prime example of people hurting those they should be supporting, but falling for bs propaganda.

 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

12 minutes ago, apandaaries said:

I was recently enraged to see my fundie lite cousin

I don't have my glasses on and read this at first as "I was recently engaged to my fundy-lite cousin."

I thought maybe I had to plan the first ever FJ intervention.

[apandaaries]

2 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I don't have my glasses on and read this at first as "I was recently engaged to my fundy-lite cousin."

I thought maybe I had to plan the first ever FJ intervention.

Nope! Not that kind of family!

But the concern is much appreciated. ? 

[Idlewild]

I recently attended a seminar on giving feedback . It was about doing this in a professional capacity, but the speaker asked us to think about giving feedback in personal situations - we all know to complain but do we actually acknowledge & praise when things are done well? I have made an effort to do it and it does feel good to get a reaction from people. After a long day in London this week I go to home & partner made me a cup of tea- he makes great tea and I’d spent the day drinking various terrible cups. So I told him how good it was and how grateful I was to come home to it. He looked a bit taken aback but was actually very touched I said so. It’s a long winded way of saying I do get that praise and being nice does make for a happy atmosphere. However you don’t need to post it to SM and I agree with PP that with 5e Duggars it’s a bit like their kissing photos - trying very hard to show how great their married life is compared to us filthy heathens. 

[EmmieJ]

On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2020 at 9:26 AM, Sullie06 said:

I'm going to be honest! I would be bragging on my hubby too if he topped my tank off so I didn't have to. I freaking HATE pumping gas. I looked down on my way to work this morning and I have less than a quarter of a tank and it's 8 degrees out. I do agree though that this might have been Jills way of telling us they have two cars. Jill..... are you here?

My mom always hated pumping gas too.  My dad would sometimes take her car on a Saturday or Sunday to run errands and fill up the tank.  When that happened, she'd say "thank you honey" and that would be that.  No "you're the best husband ever!"  Then again, my dad had enough self-confidence that he didn't need constant praise for ordinary acts of thoughtfulness.  That's one of the things that really stands out to me about fundamentalist thinking in regard to how wives are supposed to constantly praise their husbands, never disagree with them, be always available, etc.  The sheer insecurity of the men who find this appealing is just beyond me!  What precious babies they are, that they cannot stand any questioning of a decision, must be constantly praised for doing the littlest things, kow-towed to even when they are clearly wrong.  It's embarrassing (or it should be)

Maybe it's not a big deal to me to fill my own gas tank because I live in California.  Rarely is it extremely cold, so standing outside for a couple of minutes to pump gas isn't usually an unpleasant experience.  However, I agree with those that say they prefer little thoughtful gestures over receiving a card or flowers.  When I was still raising my son, I really appreciated when his dad would come take him out on a long hike.  I got a couple hours to myself, my son had a blast looking for lizards and snakes (his dad used to build reptile cages and really liked snakes - they would not harm them, just enjoy looking at them), he got to spend time with his dad and burn off energy (come home all relaxed and hungry).  That was a gift that everyone benefited by.  And a guy who is handy around the house?  Shades of Red Green, “If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” 

[feministxtian]

Mr. Xtian did all sorts of stuff for me, especially after I screwed up my back. I would thank him when he did it, just to let him know I appreciated all he did. I do the same with my son now. He hears how proud of him I am that he's choosing to go back to school and how he's taking it seriously. I do it because I AM proud of him. I'm proud of his efforts. I thank him for helping me around the house and doing the stuff I can't do (which is why he moved in a year ago when Mr. Xtian got sick). Why? Because praise feels good. Both giving and getting. But not this every little thing on social media bullshit. It comes under the heading of "methinks thou protestest too much". 

[front hugs > duggs]

I'm just here  as I live in New Jersey so I sure as hell don't pump my  own gas!!!

#bestgasstationattendantever!!11!!11!1!!1

[EmmieJ]

9 minutes ago, front hugs > duggs said:

I'm just here  as I live in New Jersey so I sure as hell don't pump my  own gas!!!

#bestgasstationattendantever!!11!!11!1!!1

Up until January 2018, it was illegal in Oregon to pump your own gas.  However, under House Bill 2482, "retailers in counties with a population of less than 40,000 are allowed to have self-service gas pumps. Drivers in 15 counties can now pump their own gas any time of day, while those in three other rural counties can do so after business hours, between 6 p.m. and 6 a.m."

About 20 years ago, I took a driving trip from California up into Oregon.  I didn't know it was against the law to pump your own gas and stopped at a station.  As I casually began to fill my own tank, a guy literally ran out of the station, waving at me excitedly.  I was more than happy to have my gas pumped for me.

[FluffySnowball]

13 hours ago, Jinder Roles said:

I cannot stand when people (especially white people) who are diametrically opposed to Dr King’s vision and values quote him like he was some passive, non-threatening fairy. 

Best believe a lot of Republicans/conservatives would have ridiculed MLK if he was alive today. 

You voted for Trump, Derick. Shut up. 

I agree with you so so so so much, @Jinder Roles!!! 

[Cheetah]

57 minutes ago, EmmieJ said:

Up until January 2018, it was illegal in Oregon to pump your own gas.  However, under House Bill 2482, "retailers in counties with a population of less than 40,000 are allowed to have self-service gas pumps. Drivers in 15 counties can now pump their own gas any time of day, while those in three other rural counties can do so after business hours, between 6 p.m. and 6 a.m."

About 20 years ago, I took a driving trip from California up into Oregon.  I didn't know it was against the law to pump your own gas and stopped at a station.  As I casually began to fill my own tank, a guy literally ran out of the station, waving at me excitedly.  I was more than happy to have my gas pumped for me.

Every time I go to Oregon I get confused the first time I have to fill the tank (even now it seems like all of the stations I've been to are still not self-service).  But I do know where the closest gas station to PDX is to refill the rental car on the times I fly in rather than drive up.   (My oldest kid goes to college in Oregon and now my middle one will be attending school in Portland starting in the fall so at least another 4 years of regular trips up there).

Edited January 22, 2020 by Cheetah

[HerNameIsBuffy]

Why did full service go the way of the dinosaur in most places?