Dillards 82: Derick Spills the Tea

[lil_secret]

15 minutes ago, Gobsmacked said:

That's my #1 son.  He finds life hard work at times. 

That’s because it is, tbh

[mollysmom]

My brother used to half-jokingly say that if I had nothing to worry about I would find something to worry about. I hate that about myself but it is so true!

[ifosterkittens]

Jill has posted different friends on instagram, so I do think she has made an effort to expand her circle. She never had a second alone growing up, and always had like minded peers around (her siblings and family friends), now she is at home with two little kids. It appears she is on the outs with her family (which has to be difficult even if it is her choice, and probably soul crushing if it wasn't her decision), so she now has to create her own circle of friends, and that can take time, and in the meantime she may feel lonely and isolated. 

Plus I imagine Jill has to be incredibly careful with what she says, and how much she shares with almost everyone. Derick clearly is fine with posting things on social media, but Jill may not be, and she may not want to give him more fuel for the fire. Total speculation but if she feels she can't share everything with her husband, or sibling who can she talk to? No matter her feelings on her parents and siblings she likely does not want them discussed publicly (since she hasn't spoken publicly about them), so she may feel she has to constantly watch what she says to friends, perhaps she has made a comment and realized after oh shoot I shouldn't have said that. Also she may worry people befriend her because they want the inside scoop, and it has to be very difficult wondering does this person like me as a person, or do they just want juicy gossip. 

I would recommend therapy with a qualified therapist, so she can talk to a neutral person, no concern of them breaking her confidentiality. I don't know that therapy seems like a real option for her. Given the generalization of how fundies handle mental health matters therapy probably comes with a tremendous amount of stigma, and she may not see it as a viable option. While prayer may help her I hope it isn't her only option. 

[Peaches-n-Beans]

53 minutes ago, ifosterkittens said:

I would recommend therapy with a qualified therapist, so she can talk to a neutral person, no concern of them breaking her confidentiality. I don't know that therapy seems like a real option for her. Given the generalization of how fundies handle mental health matters therapy probably comes with a tremendous amount of stigma, and she may not see it as a viable option. While prayer may help her I hope it isn't her only option. 

Not to mention the cost... Therapy is expensive as shit, and having a husband in law school and two little kids I could definitely see how it would be out of reach. 

[Bobology]

7 hours ago, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

and I do think if she put Israel & Samuel in preschool, they would LOVE it, she would make more connections with other people, the boys would make more friends, from there you set up play dates and take turns sometimes hanging out with the mom and having some grown up time or a few hours to run errands kid free. 

This is so true. My guess is her parents have scared all their kids into believing they must stick to only their "own kind" because all the other folks will hurt you or lure you away to their 'false' religion, etc. Actually, it is usually the Duggars' kind of folks who try to lure you away from your religion, not other people, so there is nothing at all to fear by associating with us ('us' being not the Duggar kind of folks.) At most, regular Christians (not the Duggar kind) might ask where you go to church and invite you to theirs. That's about it.  Everyone else leaves you alone about religion. I live in the bible-belt right next to Arkansas.

Right now there is a kid in my young grandson's class at school who babbles god and jesus stuff all the time. We think it happens on the playground or off in a corner. I have never heard an atheist kid or anyone else bother anyone by spouting that god is made up and it is just your parents trying to make you behave or whatever. If just doesn't happen, at least not normally.

[Pecansforeveryone]

Cross Church is large enough to have a variety of groups that Jill could join. I won't be at all surprised if they have a pre-school. I tend to hold out hope that Izzy and Sammy will go a school affiliated with Cross Church just as I hold out hope that Felicity will in whatever church Jeremy latches onto. 

[grandmadugger]

1 hour ago, Pecansforeveryone said:

Cross Church is large enough to have a variety of groups that Jill could join. I won't be at all surprised if they have a pre-school. I tend to hold out hope that Izzy and Sammy will go a school affiliated with Cross Church just as I hold out hope that Felicity will in whatever church Jeremy latches onto. 

I just went through their website and am shocked at how little they offer. Lots of study groups on Sunday and Wednesday but not a lot of other stuff. For a church that size I figured that they had activities daily. 
 

This is from the women’s ministry page and might explain why they don’t have a lot of stuff. 
 

We know women are influencers in our homes, workplaces, neighborhoods, and communities, so we strive to steward well the gifts and abilities we have been given by God. 

Edited January 18, 2020 by grandmadugger
Adding the work stuff

[FleeJanaFree]

12 hours ago, Cat Damon said:

I don't follow Jill on Instagram but sometimes I'll go check out her page and see what she's posted. She had a bunch on her stories about how it was hard to get the boys down for their daily nap and was just then sitting down for her devotional time - now, I am not a parent nor do I play one on TV, but I do babysit for a kid that is just a few months younger than Israel, and he does not nap every day. More like once a week if that. Is it normal for a kid who is almost five years old to take an afternoon nap every day or is that a way for Jill to just have some alone time? Couldn't Israel have quiet time instead of a nap? I'm not BEC I am just curious because it does seem like he's a little old to be taking an afternoon nap daily.

She also sort of said that it was really hard for her in the afternoons between nap time and when Derick gets home in the evening. I really wish she'd consider a "mother's day out" thing like one morning a week or something.

Career nanny here- totally normal. Most kids start to fight it a bit around age 4/4.5 in which they then have Quiet Time, because that is my only break in my 11 hour shifts! ? Quiet Time is fantastic; half the time they put themselves to sleep! They just want the power of the option. My 7 year old still willingly naps on her days off from school.

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

We also have to take into consideration how many cars the Dillard's have. I'm guessing just the one and Derrick probably takes that leaving Jill stuck at home with 2 boys. Thus cutting her off even more.  Also these big churches don't encourage moms groups, because they don't want too many women folk gathering together to talk about their lives and their complaints. This is why they generally only have 1 day a week of groups and they are for couples or occasionally wife or husbands. 

[raspberrymint]

What website makes you pay for enneagram results written in negative tones?   There are better websites out there for taking the test.

I'm assuming Jill doesn't live near public transport, either. 

 

[PennySycamore]

@raspberrymint,  there may not be an public transportation  easily available.  While there is Razorback Transport that services the university campus and so nearby areas as well as a bus system (Ozark Regional Transport) that serves Washington and Benton counties.  There may not be a bus stop convenient to Jill and the boys though.  

[raspberrymint]

Can Derick not take the bus and let Jill have the car?  

Edit: never mind.  I read that as a shuttle to campus.

Edited January 18, 2020 by raspberrymint
misread

[Not that josh's mom]

I don't think there is much for public transportation where they live.

[meep]

I am a 5w6.....so....insecure, anxious, suspicious, distrusting. In other news, water is wet. First time taking that test.
I was always into MBTI pretty hard as a teen/young adult, I took it a billion times because I was sure INTP could not be right but I've never gotten anything else. It always comes up as INTP (okay okay...I think once it came up as INTJ). I've resigned that I am, indeed, an INTP. 

Back to Derrick and Jill....he said that it was framed to them as TLC being a ministry that reimburses them for travel, food, etc and no other payment? Can that possibly be true that they don't pay them? Or is it more likely Jim Bob gets paid and then decides who gets what and how much? Maybe we will get a tell-all afterall.......

Edited January 18, 2020 by meep

[HerNameIsBuffy]

I have a totally hypothetical question...just curious.

If he did hypothetically get a publisher for a tell all, are the Duggars famous enough that they'd give an unknown writer (w or w/out ghost writer) an advance?  Would it be sizable?

If he did publish a tell all how much is he likely to make on that?  

Anyone in publishing?

[PennySycamore]

@HerNameIsBuffy,  I can't recall where I read this recently, but I think that the author gets very little on the sale of a book unless they are really an established author.  Anyone really know the answer to @HerNameIsBuffy's question?

[neuroticcat]

59 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I have a totally hypothetical question...just curious.

If he did hypothetically get a publisher for a tell all, are the Duggars famous enough that they'd give an unknown writer (w or w/out ghost writer) an advance?  Would it be sizable?

If he did publish a tell all how much is he likely to make on that?  

Anyone in publishing?

I’m an author. If he went with a traditional NYC publisher the money is all about sales/marketing and platform, which the Duggars have. Add scandal and I bet a reputable house would pick it up. 

They base the advance on sales/marketing departments decision of how much $$$ they are going to throw at it for promotion as well as how much they feel they can make. For Jill and Derick, I’d bet it would be decently sizable.

I was an unknown midlist novelist with zero platform and got around 15k for my first advance. I’d expect six figures plus for a celeb, even a b-list ghostwritten one. With the right promotion, a publisher could make bank. 

Incidentally, some years ago I pitched a YA novel loosely based on Doug Phillips’ downfall and a young woman coming out of quiverfull  after assault. My publisher ultimately passed because sales and marketing didn’t think there was enough of a market (alas! They knew not about FJ)! But they pushed hard to know if I had personal experience in the movement - I think if I had come out of QF they would have picked it up as a sales/promotion angle. I have no doubt any Duggar kid could get a contract if they pitched a tell all.

48 minutes ago, PennySycamore said:

@HerNameIsBuffy,  I can't recall where I read this recently, but I think that the author gets very little on the sale of a book unless they are really an established author.  Anyone really know the answer to @HerNameIsBuffy's question?

Authors get paid an advance and royalties. So the advance comes up front or in installments. Say you get a 30k advance. It’s yours to keep even if the book bombs.

But you also negotiate royalties-for simplicity’s sake, say 10% of price of every book sold. Maybe your book sells for ten bucks, so for every copy sold you earn back one dollar of your advance. Once you sell 30,000 books, you’ve earned out your advance . Now you’ll get a quarterly check paying you for every copy over the 30k you sell.

Audio books work the same way typically, though ebooks are often handled separately. A lot of books don’t earn out. Only two of mine have. 

Publishers typically do a good job estimating advances so they don’t lose money. 

Edited January 18, 2020 by neuroticcat

[Ms. Brightside]

8 hours ago, Bobology said:

This is so true. My guess is her parents have scared all their kids into believing they must stick to only their "own kind" because all the other folks will hurt you or lure you away to their 'false' religion, etc. Actually, it is usually the Duggars' kind of folks who try to lure you away from your religion, not other people, so there is nothing at all to fear by associating with us ('us' being not the Duggar kind of folks.) At most, regular Christians (not the Duggar kind) might ask where you go to church and invite you to theirs. That's about it.  Everyone else leaves you alone about religion. I live in the bible-belt right next to Arkansas.

Right now there is a kid in my young grandson's class at school who babbles god and jesus stuff all the time. We think it happens on the playground or off in a corner. I have never heard an atheist kid or anyone else bother anyone by spouting that god is made up and it is just your parents trying to make you behave or whatever. If just doesn't happen, at least not normally.

I grew up non-religious in the Bible Belt, and this is definitely something I experienced. After some particularly nasty bullying on the playground one day, my mom came in and met with the guidance counselor who said “I have never heard a single complaint from Christians about other kids making them feel bad about their religion, but I seem to require a daily conversation about ‘how we treat others’ with a kid who is trying to use their Christianity as a way to shame someone else. It seems like the kids miss all the lessons in the Bible about being kind and accepting. The kids who are the most religious are the ones who I have to speak with about bullying the most often, and I’m sorry your daughter was their target today.”

It was so helpful to hear an adult acknowledge that, and it continued to be my experience until high school (when those same Christian kids started questioning and rebelling), but knowing that I wasn’t the one in the wrong stuck with me all those years. 

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

8 hours ago, raspberrymint said:

What website makes you pay for enneagram results written in negative tones?   There are better websites out there for taking the test.

I'm assuming Jill doesn't live near public transport, either. 

 

There is minimal public transport in the area she lives in, outside of a limited bus routes  Much out side of Chicago and maybe some larger cities in Texas there isn't any public transportation. Where I live we only have a metro bus system, they go to a few suburbs but not mine, I'd have to drive 10 miles out of my way to do a park and ride and the closest stop is on a super busy intersection with heavy semi truck traffic, no sidewalk and a block away from my office, also I'd have to go to the central bus station and switch buses so it would turn my 30 minute commute into an almost 90 minute one, each way. 

[Ms. Brightside]

11 minutes ago, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

There is minimal public transport in the area she lives in, outside of a limited bus routes  Much out side of Chicago and maybe some larger cities in Texas there isn't any public transportation. Where I live we only have a metro bus system, they go to a few suburbs but not mine, I'd have to drive 10 miles out of my way to do a park and ride and the closest stop is on a super busy intersection with heavy semi truck traffic, no sidewalk and a block away from my office, also I'd have to go to the central bus station and switch buses so it would turn my 30 minute commute into an almost 90 minute one, each way. 

Los Angeles just announced a public transportation initiative where the goal is to make commute by public transportation no longer than 2.5x the amount of time it would take you to drive that same distance. So if your commute is a 20 minute drive, you could plan to take the bus and be there in 50 minutes. That’s the GOAL because it’s better than what we have now. In a major city. 

edit: found the article - https://laist.com/2020/01/16/la_metro_nextgen_bus_plan.php

If Jill has access to any public transportation, I’d be shocked. 

Edited January 18, 2020 by Ms. Brightside
Added documentation

[lil_secret]

1 hour ago, Ms. Brightside said:

Los Angeles just announced a public transportation initiative

Everyone wave bye-bye to Jonjer and Lissy as they go by on the bus! Lol could you imagine. 

[mango_fandango]

According to that enneagram thing I’m most likely a 9, taking wings into account I’m 6w5 or 9w1. All those make some sense. It did say that it’s not clear which one I am. 
I’ve done the MBTI a few times and it’s come up with slightly different answers each time. The only consistent thing is that I’m introverted, which is pretty damn obvious and I don’t need to be told that  I don’t take it super seriously. It’s interesting as a discussion point but I get the criticisms of MBTI too.

Edited January 18, 2020 by mango_fandango

[neuroticcat]

I agree with conservative Christian kids being most vocal about trying to persuade other kids. And it makes sense! Many of them were manipulated into conversion through a fear of hell and are encouraged to help others get “saved.” If you’re eight and worried about your classmates going to hell, you are going to talk to them about it, especially if you have parents/churches encouraging “bold witness.”

As a Christian parent it makes me so sad, because indoctrinated parents are essentially spiritually abusing their children and cultivating that mentality. And to what end? Is that really genuine faith? Every person is going to come to their own beliefs eventually - forcing and manipulating your kids is only going to backfire and cause damage to them and others. 

[OldFadedStar]

2 hours ago, mango_fandango said:

According to that enneagram thing I’m most likely a 9, taking wings into account I’m 6w5 or 9w1. All those make some sense. It did say that it’s not clear which one I am. 
I’ve done the MBTI a few times and it’s come up with slightly different answers each time. The only consistent thing is that I’m introverted, which is pretty damn obvious and I don’t need to be told that  I don’t take it super seriously. It’s interesting as a discussion point but I get the criticisms of MBTI too.

You could really be both honestly. You also have A “security” number and a “stress” number. I can’t remember which is the stress and security number for 6 but I know that 3,6,9 are all in a triad together.

 

the thought behind security and stress numbers is when you are feeling either secure or stressed you tend to pick up the habits of another number.

[Exposedknees]

Jill's instastory decorating how-to is interesting today. She's stapling greenery to a basket and hanging it on her walls- it's " boho" apparently??

Edited January 18, 2020 by Exposedknees
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