Dillards 82: Derick Spills the Tea

[mpheels]

5 hours ago, apandaaries said:

I was recently enraged to see my fundie lite cousin post a quote on MLK Jr Day from fucking Huckabee about how he thought MLK wouldn’t want us to have a day off to celebrate his work. 
 

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She’s Mexican-American, but she voted for Bush the Second, as well. Prime example of people hurting those they should be supporting, but falling for bs propaganda.

 

Normally I would participate in a service project on MLK day, ideally something that benefits African American communities, and organized by/within the community. When I still lived in Baltimore, I usually spent the holiday working with an environmental justice group to clean up illegal dumping sites a sn turn the sites into pocket parks.

I worked on the holiday this year - we have an upcoming deadline for a research grant application. The project is intended to improve access to health care for underserved communities (as in actual availability of physicians and offices, not just insurance/financial protection. We already know how to expand insurance, but sadly don’t have the political will yet...) A lot of underserved communities in the US are predominantly African American, and my colleagues and I decided this work was in the spirit of MLK’s values.

[patsymae]

14 hours ago, Jinder Roles said:

I cannot stand when people (especially white people) who are diametrically opposed to Dr King’s vision and values quote him like he was some passive, non-threatening fairy. 

Best believe a lot of Republicans/conservatives would have ridiculed MLK if he was alive today. 

You voted for Trump, Derick. Shut up. 

In so many places and instances he's been relegated to a kind of black Mr. Rogers (nothing against Fred Rogers, who was wonderful, but in a different way). The same way they embraced Rodney King for his "can't get get along" comment but don't look at what happened to him. Or Rosa Parks just happened to have tired feet one day.

 

As a nonsequitor, can't tell you how many times I've wished that movement and its leadership were around today so the rest of us would have some port to turn to and work with/emulate in this storm.

[JenniferJuniper]

1 hour ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Why did full service go the way of the dinosaur in most places?  

Move to New Jersey!  Self-service is illegal.  

4 hours ago, EmmieJ said:

Maybe it's not a big deal to me to fill my own gas tank because I live in California.  Rarely is it extremely cold, so standing outside for a couple of minutes to pump gas isn't usually an unpleasant experience. 

The only time I like pumping gas is when it's really cold out.  Because people be wearing gloves and I'm an unabashed germaphobe. 

[Jinder Roles]

@FluffySnowball  THAT'S FUCKING WILD!!! They really have some nerve. 

[SweetJuly]

I agree about giving praise, complimenting, and showing appreciation. I'm definitely a person who can be very critical, and in the last years I have made a deliberate effort to say good things.

So whenever something someone does strikes me as especially positive or makes me especially happy, I will say so. I often try to add a bit more of an explanation if I can to make it more personal. An example from my professional life would be two contacts at a courier with whom I work on a regular basis. I have told them that I very much appreciate how quickly they respond and how helpful they always are, and that knowing I can rely on them makes me choose their company over all competitors.

Giving positive feedback, especially with a small personal detail, is incredibly powerful and can make someone's day. I know, because it does that for me when someone does the same to me.

Having said that, there's no need to constantly heap praise on your SO on social media. Yes, telling your husband in person that him picking up a bottle of your favourite chocolate milk when you're pregnant, exhausted and maybe a little down, made you feel loved and taken care of is one thing. Even sharing social media posts with a meaningful message about how helpful small acts of kindness from our loved ones can be is not tacky or reprehensible, in my opinion (even if I wouldn't do it because I'm private and lazy). But constantly heaping praise on your SO for doing the most mundane things (without additional info on why this particular action may have been so amazing to you) is cringeworthy and feels unhealthy, especially if your SO doesn't reciprocate.

Edited January 23, 2020 by SweetJuly
fixed something

[lil_secret]

35 minutes ago, SweetJuly said:

I'm definitely a person who can be very critical, and in the last years I have made a deliberate effort to say good things.

So whenever something someone does strikes me as especially positive or makes me especially happy, I will say so.

I too have made this effort in the last 5 years. I would, too often, voice all my criticism but keep to myself all the wonderful things I thought and felt about the people in my life. I was (and still am) weirdly shy and reserved when it comes to praise, because praise can bring you closer to people and make you vulnerable. One day, my mom said to me "you can be so mean to everyone! You may not realize it, but you can be quite unpleasant to be around" and it just smacked me in the face how awful I had been. I didn't even realize it. Unbelievable how deluded I was. Now I am as generous as I can be with praise and have found that not only do I genuinely mean it, but I am very good at making people feel good, which is a very sweet reward I never knew I wanted. I am by no means a flatterer, as a Four (lmao), I have the urge to always be genuine and true to myself. Which means no false compliments. I spent a lot of my life inside my own head and still do, but am much happier since I began making real efforts to connect to others in a positive way.

 

43 minutes ago, SweetJuly said:

constantly heaping praise on your SO for doing the most mundane things (without additional info on why this particular action may have been so amazing to you) is cringeworthy and feels unhealthy, especially if your SO doesn't reciprocate.

Yes, agreed, gross. You gotta do that shit sparingly, otherwise it just comes off as ingenuine or trying too hard. And it makes me cringe even harder when it's not reciprocated! Like omg.

[OHFL2009]

14 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Why did full service go the way of the dinosaur in most places?  

Complete guess, but I'd say there are just too many cars on the road these days for full service places to keep up in a lot of places. Every time I go to fill up, there are at least 4 or 5 other cars there. And I try to avoid busier times. I'm almost to young to remember the full service places, but I seem to remember them having 2 or 4 pumps. All the gas stations around us now have 10-14 pumps. Way too many to have attendants covering. 

[Idlewild]

I hope Derick does thank/compliment Jill for the stuff she does that makes his life easier & better but chooses not to do it on SM, but he’s generally an attention seeking jerk so .....

[justoneoftwo]

Gas is a necessity that everyone needs it's also going up in price like every other necessity. Why would we do something if that makes the price go up even more? How many people did the gas station have to hire to have a full service? Even at minimum wage how much more would you have to charge per gallon? People don't want to pay that.

The places that require full service did it to increase employment and for no other reason

 

[Pretzel]

46 minutes ago, Idlewild said:

I hope Derick does thank/compliment Jill for the stuff she does that makes his life easier & better but chooses not to do it on SM, but he’s generally an attention seeking jerk so .....

Not trying to defend Derick by any means, but he does in fact reciprocate. He frequently posts about cute, small little things Jill does for him like packing him lunch or bringing food/baked goods to school for him (and his study group IIRC? ) and often mentions how she's best Jill ever. LOL 

 

Spoiler

 

 

Edited January 23, 2020 by Pretzel

[front hugs > duggs]

Actually, because we have some refineries I believe off the coast, our gas in NJ is generally less expensive than most other places despite that we don't allow self-service. We definitely have a mix of gas station - some that have only 4 pumps, and some that have 10+. I actually think it's great because if we were to switch tomorrow to self-service, there would be many people across the state that would lose their jobs. 

Yes, sometimes we have to wait for someone to come to our car after helping someone else. But yes, it's 15 degrees outside right now and I get to stay inside my car!

Embarrassingly though, I didn't know how to pump my own gas until I went to college. I know it sounds simple, but some places you just stick the nozzle in your car and go, and others you have to lift the thingymajig where the nozzle rests for the nozzle to begin pumping. This confused me for a bit...

[Idlewild]

50 minutes ago, Pretzel said:

Not trying to defend Derick by any means, but he does in fact reciprocate. He frequently posts about cute, small little things Jill does for him like packing him lunch or bringing food/baked goods to school for him (and his study group IIRC? ) and often mentions how she's best Jill ever. LOL 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

I’m glad it’s not all one way- lately it’s all been about Derick fighting the dark forces of TLC. 

i qualified as a lawyer when I was single with no children- the thought of trying to do it with 2 energetic young kids is exhausting. While I’m sure I’d find Jill a PITA he is fortunate to have someone who takes care of the children, the home, laundry etc & agreed to him taking up a room as his study so he can get his work done. 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

3 hours ago, SweetJuly said:

I agree about giving praise, complimenting, and showing appreciation. I'm definitely a person who can be very critical, and in the last years I have made a deliberate effort to say good things.

So whenever something someone does strikes me as especially positive or makes me especially happy, I will say so. I often try to add a bit more of an explanation if I can to make it more personal. An example from my professional life would be two contacts at a courier with whom I work on a regular basis. I have told them that I very much appreciate how quickly they respond and how helpful they always are, and that knowing I can rely on them makes me choose their company over all competitors.

Giving positive feedback, especially with a small personal detail, is incredibly powerful and can make someone's day. I know, because it does that for me when someone does the same to me.

Having said that, there's no need to constantly heap praise on your SO on social media. Yes, telling your husband in person that him picking up a bottle of your favourite chocolate milk when you're pregnant, exhausted and maybe a little down, made you feel loved and taken care of is one thing. Even sharing social media posts with a meaningful message about how helpful small acts of kindness from our loved ones can be is not tacky or reprehensible, in my opinion (even if I wouldn't do it because I'm private and lazy). But constantly heaping praise on your SO for doing the most mundane things (without additional info on why this particular action may have been so amazing to you) is cringeworthy and feels unhealthy, especially if your SO doesn't reciprocate.

Yes, it's the social media thing that is performative to me.

The last several years I've gone out of my way to contact the manager if someone gave me great service at work to make sure they know their employee is doing a great job.  Names and specifics extemporaneously go further than answering generic survey questions if they send them.

Praise and thanks are good - we should all be aware of spreading this type of kindness when we can but when you make a spectacle about thanking publicly for personal stuff I read it as being more about the poster and their audience than their spouse.

[Aoife]

I'm all for thanking my partner (or anyone else, for that matter) when he does something  nice for me. That special cup of tea, an offer of help, whatever. But I am so wearied of his expectation of thanks and praise for every little thing. Normal actions, part of every day life, apparently require acknowledgement and praise. He woke me when he arrived in my hospital ward yesterday just so he could tell me he had arrived. Then, when I fell asleep again, he woke me again because he had made a special effort to visit and I should talk to him. 

I am so tired of this.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

6 minutes ago, Aoife said:

I'm all for thanking my partner (or anyone else, for that matter) when he does something  nice for me. That special cup of tea, an offer of help, whatever. But I am so wearied of his expectation of thanks and praise for every little thing. Normal actions, part of every day life, apparently require acknowledgement and praise. He woke me when he arrived in my hospital ward yesterday just so he could tell me he had arrived. Then, when I fell asleep again, he woke me again because he had made a special effort to visit and I should talk to him. 

I am so tired of this.

That's a completely unreasonable level of neediness.  

I hope you get the rest you need and recover quickly.

[lil_secret]

COME ON JILL I mean really!

[HerNameIsBuffy]

2 minutes ago, lil_secret said:

COME ON JILL I mean really!

What the hell is wrong with her?!  And how did that thing stay stable long enough for her to get a pic before he falls and cracks his face on the counter?

 

[Alisamer]

1 hour ago, Aoife said:

I'm all for thanking my partner (or anyone else, for that matter) when he does something  nice for me. That special cup of tea, an offer of help, whatever. But I am so wearied of his expectation of thanks and praise for every little thing. Normal actions, part of every day life, apparently require acknowledgement and praise. He woke me when he arrived in my hospital ward yesterday just so he could tell me he had arrived. Then, when I fell asleep again, he woke me again because he had made a special effort to visit and I should talk to him. 

I am so tired of this.

That's absolutely unreasonable. You don't get praise just for existing, or for meeting the bare minimum of sociability. He deserved the opposite for waking you, IMO.

Now, I'll praise myself for doing something normal and expected, if it's hard for me. But nobody else should feel they have to praise me for functioning somewhat normally.

 

I'm not going to snark on those photos, because to me those look like a perfectly normal kid thing to do. The 5 seconds it took her to take the photos before getting him down don't bother me. 

[Giraffe]

21 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

And how did that thing stay stable long enough for her to get a pic before he falls and cracks his face on the counter?

 

That’s what I was wondering! If it were anyone else I’d think it was staged. But this being Jill... ?‍♀️ #firststitches

 

eta, I agree with @Alisamer that it’s a completely normal kid thing to do. I can’t believe she posted the photo though.

Edited January 23, 2020 by Giraffe
Still talking

[neuroticcat]

1 hour ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

That's a completely unreasonable level of neediness.  

I hope you get the rest you need and recover quickly.

I get this. For most of our marriage my husband claimed words of affirmation were his “love language.” There’s some degree of truth there but there’s also insecurity which means nothing I say will ever quite be enough. It’s exhausting. 

I totally blame my MIL who spouts empty words of praise at everyone and always has. You literally walk in the room and she’ll say, “You’re amazing.” It’s fake and a total mismatch for me - no gold stars for existing and fulfilling basic responsibilities in my world.

Anyway genuine gratitude is good. Being someone who needs acknowledgment for everything requires good therapy. 

[Dandruff]

5 hours ago, front hugs > duggs said:

Actually, because we have some refineries I believe off the coast, our gas in NJ is generally less expensive than most other places despite that we don't allow self-service. We definitely have a mix of gas station - some that have only 4 pumps, and some that have 10+. I actually think it's great because if we were to switch tomorrow to self-service, there would be many people across the state that would lose their jobs.

I've gotten gas along the NJT lots of times.  Less expensive than the places I've been going to and from, and they'll clean my windshield if I ask.  Didn't realize that the full-service requirement was throughout the whole state though.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

38 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

 

I'm not going to snark on those photos, because to me those look like a perfectly normal kid thing to do. The 5 seconds it took her to take the photos before getting him down don't bother me

I agree it’s a normal kid thing to do, but i do judge the hell out of her for taking a pic before pulling him down.  It takes a split second for him to fall...her sense of urgency should have been keeping him safe not the photo op.

[GutenbergGirl]

On 1/18/2020 at 9:57 PM, raspberrymint said:

We took the test linked above.  We talked through each of the traits and discussed what applied and to what degree, excepting a portion of the answers that we knew were extremely obvious.  Our 8w7 cat is the most difficult of the pets to train and our 6w7 cat learns faster away from her sister's influence!  ? 8w7 is much less of a pleaser than the other two, but she's the most like me and we have a strong bond because I got her through kittenhood illnesses.  ?

I am going to have to do this for our cats.... but wanted to comment that I am apparently your cat.  8w7 here!  ?

[EmmieJ]

1 hour ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

What the hell is wrong with her?!  And how did that thing stay stable long enough for her to get a pic before he falls and cracks his face on the counter?

 

if she is cool with her child using an implement to reach the counter/toaster/whatever --- why not provide him with a little step ladder?  At least it is designed for that purpose! 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

2 minutes ago, EmmieJ said:

if she is cool with her child using an implement to reach the counter/toaster/whatever --- why not provide him with a little step ladder?  At least it is designed for that purpose! 

Absolutely!  I had one when my kids were little like little stairs - grippy things on the feet and landing.  You see your kid doing something unsafe you teach them how to do it properly.