Baby sleeping in the bathroom

[VVV]

In summary T1 is probably going to start therapy and I am feeling like I might need some therapy of my own to swim out of this sea of guilt I’m drowning myself in.

Because, after all, it is all about her.

[Lillybee]

I was bothered by putting the baby in the cage with a bottle of milk and her hoping he went to sleep. I think she is condeming that baby to a lot of dental problems.

[CanadianHippie]

In summary T1 is probably going to start therapy and I am feeling like I might need some therapy of my own to swim out of this sea of guilt I’m drowning myself in.

Because, after all, it is all about her.

Parents of special needs children feeling guilt is not relegated to the world of the selfish. It is a perfectly natural reaction for a parent to think "I should have been able to prevent this" or "I must have caused this some how".

[vas]

I've been reading TW since her wedding (she blogged for Weddingbee) and if I remember correctly, the 'cage' is really a childproofed part of the living/dining room. You can even tell it from the pictures--T1's on carpet there, not p&p material.

[Patsy]

I will admit, the combined total gets to me.

Okay, you're being flippant about the baby, haha, admitting frustration and calling the play area 'the cage'. Well, we all get frustrated, right? Just a realistic view?

Talking a lot about reading tweets while you could be bonding with baby, but, uh, haha, we all have faults and yours must just be electronic attachment.

Baby seat right on the edge of the counter? Well, we all let some things slip.

Kid sleeps in the bathroom? Well, that's... really weird, but I guess... it won't kill him.

Kid gets bottle propped up, or holds it himself? Well... I guess... you're busy, sometimes...

Blind cords left hanging? We can't all babyproof anything!

But all together? You have two parents home all morning, and the kids feeds himself every single bottle, and gets no one-on-one playtime (unless you count the ten minutes, after which mother got bored, or watching mother play DDR sitting in a bouncer), and you're sitting him up on the rickety edge of a counter and HOLY FUCK. There's no active abuse in there, sure, and I know it's so easy to judge from the outside, but that combination looks really, really bad. And the thing is, with blogging, you do get to decide what you show.

Another day in the life didn't seem so bad, though: thatwifeblog.com/2011/05/day-in-the-life-may-12th-2011/

[treemom]

It really, really bothers me that people are blaming the mom for her son's delays. The odds are that she had nothing to do with it.

I disagree. In most homes that probably would be the case but here we have a mom who doesn't appear to ever hold her baby or engage him. That is a pretty sure way to create delays.

[Deleted03]

Here's someone who needs to put her son in day care! Another model of why stay at home mom should never be the mandatory model! And I'm sorry but a travel crib IS NOT meant to be THE crib. 1st it's way too small. 2nd I bet they did not invest in a good mattress.

And you don't feed yogurt to a baby that young (at least in france, we feed them the small things I don't remember how you call them). This kid needs grains, and real meals, not oh I was bored I gave him a bit of apple.

Humph so sad. :(

[Patsy]

At the time that post was made the baby was about 8 months old, didn't need solid meals yet.

[Rosa]

It really, really bothers me that people are blaming the mom for her son's delays. The odds are that she had nothing to do with it.

I'm with Beeks.

[desertvixen]

I almost replied last night, but started feeling like I was coming off as "your baby's delays are all your fault", and that's not fair. We don't know everything, and maybe even if she had been the best mom in the whole world, there would still be delays.

But I agree that what we do see is disturbing - just the lack of interaction, so much lack.

Actually, I think parents do tend to speak with a more exaggerated inflection and enunciate more when talking to babies. And also imitate what the baby says, and respond to it as if it has meaning and the baby is making conversation. That's what I wanted to hear from the mom when I was watching the video: "Really? Do you like those shampoo bottles? And are you a cute baby?" I found the lack of it so disturbing, I practically started saying it myself.

I think a lot of us get kind of sing-songy after talking to the kid awhile, but there's a difference to me between that and "baby talk".

[Austin]

I disagree. In most homes that probably would be the case but here we have a mom who doesn't appear to ever hold her baby or engage him. That is a pretty sure way to create delays.

As the mother of a learning disabled son, these are my thoughts. Babies and young children need lots of interaction. Parents (both mothers and fathers) have to provide that for normal development. It is absolutely vital. We provided tons of that for all of our children, and one of our sons still had some developmental delays, so does that mean I caused that by something I did or didn't do? Well, nearly all mothers (and fathers) question themselves when a child has a struggle, but in our case, we knew that we could not have done more and there was nothing we did to cause it. (It's actually a genetic issue, but we didn't realize that until much later.)

I don't think this mom, just based on what she's posting and her general attitude, can say that. Is she the sole cause? I doubt it, but let's just say "she ain't helping".

I haven't read the part about early interventions (kudos if she is getting those for the baby), but this involves a lot of effort on the parents. Our son started early interventions at 9 months. We had a physical therapist and then a little later a speech therapist and an occupational therapist. They all came to our house weekly. They would work with our baby with me there watching and learning everything. It was my responsibility (and my husband's) to work with him on the other six days they didn't come. It took time, effort, and lots of care, which we considered no sacrifice whatsoever, of course. But my point is that early intervention takes a lot of effort on the part of the parents and I'm not getting the vibe from this mom that she's willing to do that.

[Patsy]

But my point is that early intervention takes a lot of effort on the part of the parents and I'm not getting the vibe from this mom that she's willing to do that.

Quote from the post that ends with 'Oh so guilty!':

If we consider the cost to be exorbitant, we are considering putting this off until next year when we are back on the Company X insurance plan.

[FundiesInMyFamily]

Quote from the post that ends with 'Oh so guilty!':

Quote:

If we consider the cost to be exorbitant, we are considering putting this off until next year when we are back on the Company X insurance plan.

WOW. They call it 'early intervention' because it needs to be done EARLY. There is a small window when a baby's brain is still developing when these types of therapies are crucial. It is much harder to help delays and solve some of these issues in an older child.

[Austin]

Quote from the post that ends with 'Oh so guilty!':

We took out a second mortgage on our house to pay for all of K's interventions. I would have sold anything, got a third shift job, or done whatever was necessary for our son. There is no "too exhorbitant" when you're talking about the well-being of a child, particularly when it comes to proven interventions.

If you don't make enough money, the county/state will provide these interventions in most cases. In our county, it is the Board of Developmental Disabilities.

http://www.fcbdd.org/

The county actually offered us (and we took) some early interventions, but we made too much money for some, which we then, of course, paid for. Children with developmental delays often need interventions and extra help for years. It is a big financial outlay and one of the reasons we do not have as much in our overall savings as others who make as much money as we do at this point in our lives. So what? We spent thousands and thousands of dollars and every single copper penny was worth it and more. K is a high school senior on the honor roll in regular classes (on the College Tech pathway), has a part-time job at a supermarket and is getting his driver's license. All this from a kid who we were told in the beginning would probably never live independently.

So in case this mother stops by here, please know there are probably interventions available that you will not have to pay for. Either way, please provide your child with whatever interventions are recommended, no matter what cost to you. Money is fleeting, but your child's quality of life is lasting.

[BravaAmica]

WOW. They call it 'early intervention' because it needs to be done EARLY. There is a small window when a baby's brain is still developing when these types of therapies are crucial. It is much harder to help delays and solve some of these issues in an older child.

Not carrying any debt is more important to them than providing appropriate health care for their child, I guess.

And they probably won't look into interventions offered for free, paid for by their tax dollars.

[Sola]

Look how she fed him when he was two months old.

That is some crappy parenting. Yep.

Whaaa?

I'm presuming he is older now as there are lots of pictures of him toddling around the the bottle stuck in his mouth. Sorry lady, if he is old enough to toddle around with a bottle stuck in his mouth, he is old enough to drink from a sippy cup.

@ FundiesInMyFamily

Apparently one of her readers emailed her expressing concern for her husband's domineering, and this posts explains why he's not a jerk. Usually when you have to explain away someone's jerky actions, they are indeed a jerk. She sold her dvd set of "friends" because he deemed it inappropiate .....

Gah! So hubby thinks that Friends DVDs need to go but is fine with baby sleeping in a bathroom (seriously That Husband, do you have any idea of how much faecal matter is sprayed on surfaces even in a CLEAN bathroom?), being fed by having a bottle propped in his mouth and held in place by a cushion and another picture I saw of baby crawling half naked on a table next to a bowl of presumably hot soup. Do these people not know the result of bare baby skin + hot soup = painful skin grafts?

@ beeks

I wonder if it's Autism

It could be. My daughter didn't like to be held close when feeding, she would arch her back and scream which is a red flag for autism. So I would have to sit with my leg crossed over my other leg and she would lay across my legs, facing me and I would feed her like that. I did talk to her all the time though and keep eye contact. That said if this toddler is on the spectrum, he needs a whole lot more intensive interaction than he is getting. But a lack of interaction in the early years can also cause what seems like autism (but isn't). From reading her blog, she admits to spending 11 hours on her computer, that kid isn't getting nowhere near enough stimulation, autistic or not.

normandybeach wrote:

GOOD parents talk to their little babies all day. While you're walking around at the store, or eating food, you're saying things like "look at the orange butterfly!" or "look at that other baby over there!" And you say it like a normal person, not in truncated, cooing, nonsense baby talk.

It doesn't matter HOW you talk as long as you DO talk, babies do respond better if you do say things in a sing song, baby talk voice too. Just don't keep on doing it until your kids are 22 like Michelle Duggar...

[FundiesInMyFamily]

If you don't make enough money, the county/state will provide these interventions in most cases. In our county, it is the Board of Developmental Disabilities.

Here in Denver we have the DDRC (developmental disabilities resource center), run through the county. They have all kinds of resources. Now that my son is almost 17, they are helping me to prepare him for adulthood (SSI, guardianship, ect.). Any kind of resource or need I have ever had has been helped by them - I have a resource Coorinator, and she can send me information, point me in the direction I need to find somthing, even help me go through red tape and jump through hoops. There is lots of help out there.

I also got help through the school district starting when my son was 3, and all of that was absolutely free.

[bekkah]

With my experience, my parents received all my services for free or close to free. I think the only time they had to pay was when I was beginning speech and stuff. In Minnesota, I know through my mom that the school district offers free services to children. They get them in the system so that when they are ready to move onto preschool its an easy transition from home visits to classroom. I qualified as classroom child and I look back at the kids who were with me, I am the one who has made it the farthest. I am a senior at a top liberal arts college in the state with a good GPA and that all comes from the work that my parents put into me. Yeah, they didn't make a lot of money when I was younger but they damned knew to take this stuff seriously. I think this lady is not doing enough. This kid would probably be better off with watching tv because at least he would be spoke too. That's the number one thing is needed for a speecher is talking, listening and watching people's mouths move. That is what was told to my parents make sure they engage me in all times and I got to watch tv too because they wanted to make sure I heard language all the time. I get frustrated with these people who don't try and I'm one of the lucky few whose parents pushed and made sure I got everything needed. I don't want this person to have another kid but that's not likely and it would be interesting to see if the next child has delays.

[Beeks]

As the mother of a learning disabled son, these are my thoughts. Babies and young children need lots of interaction. Parents (both mothers and fathers) have to provide that for normal development. It is absolutely vital. We provided tons of that for all of our children, and one of our sons still had some developmental delays, so does that mean I caused that by something I did or didn't do? Well, nearly all mothers (and fathers) question themselves when a child has a struggle, but in our case, we knew that we could not have done more and there was nothing we did to cause it. (It's actually a genetic issue, but we didn't realize that until much later.)

I don't think this mom, just based on what she's posting and her general attitude, can say that. Is she the sole cause? I doubt it, but let's just say "she ain't helping".

I haven't read the part about early interventions (kudos if she is getting those for the baby), but this involves a lot of effort on the parents. Our son started early interventions at 9 months. We had a physical therapist and then a little later a speech therapist and an occupational therapist. They all came to our house weekly. They would work with our baby with me there watching and learning everything. It was my responsibility (and my husband's) to work with him on the other six days they didn't come. It took time, effort, and lots of care, which we considered no sacrifice whatsoever, of course. But my point is that early intervention takes a lot of effort on the part of the parents and I'm not getting the vibe from this mom that she's willing to do that.

I also have a son with developmental delays and I am definitely disturbed by some of the things in her blog and worried that she won't work EI with him. I am just not willing to go so far as to accuse her or speculate about her causing the delays, because people have done that to me and it is honestly one of the most hurtful things I've ever experienced.

I left her a comment and told her (in the nicest way I could) that EI is there to teach the parent how to help the child, and the most important work is the work the PARENTS do with the baby. We had speech 1 hour a week (and now he's 2 and in a theraputic preschool) but I spent HOURS outside of that doing therapy with him. It's all just play to the kid but it takes a lot of dedication for the parent. I do hope this is a wake-up call for her and that she doesn't delay getting him help.

Also, we make a good amount of money and all of our EI services have been free.

[Austin]

I also have a son with developmental delays and I am definitely disturbed by some of the things in her blog and worried that she won't work EI with him. I am just not willing to go so far as to accuse her or speculate about her causing the delays, because people have done that to me and it is honestly one of the most hurtful things I've ever experienced.

I left her a comment and told her (in the nicest way I could) that EI is there to teach the parent how to help the child, and the most important work is the work the PARENTS do with the baby. We had speech 1 hour a week (and now he's 2 and in a theraputic preschool) but I spent HOURS outside of that doing therapy with him. It's all just play to the kid but it takes a lot of dedication for the parent. I do hope this is a wake-up call for her and that she doesn't delay getting him help.

Also, we make a good amount of money and all of our EI services have been free.

Hell, my own sister told me I had caused K to be delayed because I had not "worn" him. (Can you all tell by now that I am triggered by those touting the necessity of babywearing?) She said that strollers caused developmental delays and since I had used one, that's what his problem was. Yes, that hurt. Irrational as it was, every parent questions what they could have done "wrong" to make their child have challenges and when someone. . . anyone. . . suggests that its your fault, it stings a bit. But then I considered the source. :roll: and knew that we had done everything we knew how to do to nurture our babies.

[Beeks]

Hell, my own sister told me I had caused K to be delayed because I had not "worn" him. (Can you all tell by now that I am triggered by those touting the necessity of babywearing?) She said that strollers caused developmental delays and since I had used one, that's what his problem was. Yes, that hurt. Irrational as it was, every parent questions what they could have done "wrong" to make their child have challenges and when someone. . . anyone. . . suggests that its your fault, it stings a bit. But then I considered the source. :roll: and knew that we had done everything we knew how to do to nurture our babies.

Yeah, it sucks when people make ridiculous claims like that. I think they generally do it as a defense mechanism ("well this could never happen to me because I wore my baby/exclusively breastfed/co-slept/read to him 8hrs a day/whatever"). I get annoyed with people who say "Wow I could never do what you're doing. I could never handle it" too. I know they mean well but to me it just sounds like "that will never happen to me, whew!" I never thought I could handle it either, but when it's your kid, you just do handle it.

Anyway, I fully admit I'm sensitive about this stuff, especially since it's still relatively new for us and I haven't perfected my "hey F off" line for the gross people yet.

[emmiedahl]

I have had an AP friend cry because I put my son in a stroller. Extreme people are extreme (and extremely annoying).

There are shitty reasons to blame a parent, and there are valid reasons to blame a parent. Right now my one year old is a little delayed in language. Cognitively, he is ahead. The doctor specifically asked me about my level of interaction, if I read to him, if I talk to him a lot. If I were not doing these things, it might cause a language delay. I *am* doing these things, so we (the family and the medical professionals) are going to see if he catches up. If he does not, then we will begin intervention. I had a child who did not speak until he was almost 2, and then he caught up to peers within weeks, so I am not terribly worried.

It is not even about blame, so much as identifying the cause and removing it. If That Mom's report is accurate, she is parenting in a non-ideal way that has been shown to create delays. She needs to start doing things differently.

[Austin]

Yeah, it sucks when people make ridiculous claims like that. I think they generally do it as a defense mechanism ("well this could never happen to me because I wore my baby/exclusively breastfed/co-slept/read to him 8hrs a day/whatever"). I get annoyed with people who say "Wow I could never do what you're doing. I could never handle it" too. I know they mean well but to me it just sounds like "that will never happen to me, whew!" I never thought I could handle it either, but when it's your kid, you just do handle it.

Anyway, I fully admit I'm sensitive about this stuff, especially since it's still relatively new for us and I haven't perfected my "hey F off" line for the gross people yet.

It took me years to develop the necessary shell. I am not a crier, but I cried a lot after his initial diagnosis and thought back through every possible thing I did during pregnancy, neonatally, his first nine months, even stuff I might have done before I was pregnant. Ws it the pyelonephritis I developed during the last trimester and the medication I needed for that? Was it the drugs I took to stop premature labor? Was anything in my diet to blame? I actually was desperately looking for a "reason" for a long time, even if that meant blaming myself because then at least I would know the "why".

It's just really, really hard to know that your baby will struggle for a lifetime, potentially. So I totally get it.

[Terrie]

It really, really bothers me that people are blaming the mom for her son's delays. The odds are that she had nothing to do with it.

If her portrayal of her parenting is accurate, odds are she had a LOT to do with it. While not every case of development delay is caused by neglect, chronic neglect almost always leads to delays. If there is an underlying issue, her neglect made it worse.

In my mind, her case is worse than some, because there's no mitigating issue like poverty, where basic physical needs must take priority. She has shelter, she has food, she has nothing to pull her away from her child except her own selfishness. :x

[treemom]

Yeah, it sucks when people make ridiculous claims like that. I think they generally do it as a defense mechanism ("well this could never happen to me because I wore my baby/exclusively breastfed/co-slept/read to him 8hrs a day/whatever"). I get annoyed with people who say "Wow I could never do what you're doing. I could never handle it" too. I know they mean well but to me it just sounds like "that will never happen to me, whew!" I never thought I could handle it either, but when it's your kid, you just do handle it.

Anyway, I fully admit I'm sensitive about this stuff, especially since it's still relatively new for us and I haven't perfected my "hey F off" line for the gross people yet.

Beeks,

There is a different between poor parenting and not parenting exactly how someone else believes is the 'right' way.

Maybe she didn't 'cause' the delays but she certainly didn't help him. And if someone is willing to bottle prop like she did in that pic of him being a 2 month old then I don't think the hold a high regard for their child. That is potentially life threatening. (massive, massive choking hazard). It deprives your baby of bonding, etc. This isn't an occasional not holding your baby it appears to be a never hold your baby situation.

Personally it wouldn't surprise me if the sweet little boy doesn't have and/or develop attachment issues.