Bro Gary Hawkins 20: Setting Up a Tent at the Train Depot

[AmazonGrace]

I was wondering the same but then I thought  some people might have lost fingers at the 4th of July party or just be bad at counting with their fingers generally

[thoughtful]

38 minutes ago, FeministShrew said:

Gary probably means that Joseph Smith is (in Gary’s belief) burning in hell, and if he could come back to earth he’d tell all Mormons to “get saved.”

That sounds in line with his obsession about the rich man burning in Hell.

Continuing yesterday's second video, Gary tells them about the McFaddens' accident, and, after a bit more of making sure they know we could all die any second, he inexplicably switches to the weather, saying the Lord has been good to them, giving them good weather so far.

"Ah tellya, the best degrees is about 70 in the day an' about 35 at night, amen. 'Cause if it gets cold enough mah wahf'll snuggle up to me amen."

And then he's right back to not "boastin' on tomorrow,"  because it could all be over.

He launches into teasing and "joking" about some churches starting Sunday services too early in the morning for him. While he's on the subject of the scheduling of church services, he goes on: "An' ah'm gawnna tellya somethin' hey - whoever - ah don't know who started this an' wha they started havin' 'at much church, but ah know this much, was talkin' about some Black people a whahl ago. Listen - whenever they go t'church? Ah know wha they don't have Sunday naht church - they don't never get out 'til about Sunday naht amen!"

And . . . back to death and dying and we could go any second. He tells the old joke about the little girl in church who doesn't stand up when the preacher asks who's ready to go to Heaven, because she thought he was getting a busload together to go right then (he refers to her as a "young lady" which takes all of the cuteness out of it), and talks about a man who told him he was ready to go to Heaven, "but not today."

Gary says if you're not ready to go today, you're not ready. Hey, Gary, maybe when people say that, they are just trying to say they enjoy their lives, not that they still have something they have to do to be ready to face God.

He brings up the drowned pastor again, then goes on about some other drowned preacher, that he says he read about on Facebook last week, also trying to save children, but in the ocean. "He was fifteen feet under, in the sand! Ah don't even - ah cain't even comprehend - that's deeper than what they put 'em in the graves!"

I have no idea what or who he is talking about, and various google searches turned up nothing.

Still more about being prepared to meet God (oh, and did I mention we could all die, any second now?), then Gary gets into those phone calls we don't want to get, about loved ones. He screams:

"Ya ever had somebody t'knock ohn your door an' tell you somethin' you wouldn't - listen, hey - mah momma has been pretty sick prob'ly what - for the last - mattera fact, ah was in Indiana, last year, somwhere wherever Indiana is from here, amen! Whatever south east west 'r north, whichever way it is, ah got a phone call from mah sister an' she said 'MAMA'S DAHIN'!'"

A long pause, then he continues a bit more quietly: "An' ah looked at mah wahf, ah was s'posed t'be leavin' Indiana headed t'Michigan start a revahval that next week an' ah told mah wife, ah said 'I'm goin' to call, an' cancel the meeting,' she said 'No. You need to wait 'til tomorrow.'"

"Ah text two preachers that ah knew an' ah said 'Pray for ma momma, she needs a miracle, she's gonna dah. Ah git to - ah go to bed, an' ah lay there an' ah crah, an' call out to God, beggin' him not to take my momma. An' ah fell asleep after whatever lengtha tahm it was, an' when ah woke up th'next mornin' an' ah looked at mah text an' mah sister texted me, an' she said 'Ah didn't know if you'd still be in the bed or not' an' she said, 'Momma's gonna be awraht.'"

He launches into a short rant about doctors making mistakes and not knowing what they're talking about, and he doesn't know if they made a mistake or God intervened, but his momma is alive today. And he don't like those texts and those phone calls.

Oh, also, the siblings all got a text last week saying they needed to "pray an' git in touch with God RAHT NOW!"  "It come back about 20 minutes later that her sugar dropped down to 'bout 29, an' she was unconscious." Mom again? He doesn't say. The doctors came in and "got 'er back goin.'"

Job, Hezekiah, be prepared to meet God.

And he finally goes to another reading, so I will start a new post for that.

I have eaten my Gary salvation day anniversary weens. I joked about it with my mother, and she decided to have a Hebrew National hot dog in Gary's honor, too.

[Dana723]

22 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I really hate fights - don't even watch them in movies or TV shows. But the idea of Steve Anderson and Gary Hawkins duking it out  . . . nah, still too boring.

Could be interesting if we add in Jill in a bikini holding the round signs...

21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Probably - it's always hard to tell what is going on in Gary's mind.

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

I will get to the rest of the screamfest from yesterday, and on to today's, but I don't have it in me right now. Must be the weens.

However, I do have the energy for this before I go to bed.

Spoiler

Bring some lost and let's get stir able!

 

Spoiler

I believe we may have our next thread title - something like "If you cridicule Gary, the defriend bottom still works" perhaps?

Comments so far:

Spoiler

 

 

 

Edited July 12, 2022 by thoughtful

[postscript]

Don’t any of these people understand the concept of punctuation? Even the occasional period would do wonders for the readability of these posts.

”Stirable Jesus” makes me think of a cake mix. I’m sure if I stared at the phrase long enough, I would eventually grasp Gary’s intended meaning, but that’s all I can see at the moment. 

When I’m bored, I occasionally go back and read some of the old Gary threads. Every time I do so, I think I should compile a glossary of Garyisms. There are some real gems hidden in these threads. 

[FiveAcres]

I missed the part in the Bible where it says "Remember the Wednesday evening..."

[AmazonGrace]

I am having Sunday and Wednesday every week.

I've also got some other days ending in Y in case Gary is in need of some.

[AmazonGrace]

Spoiler

till more about being prepared to meet God (oh, and did I mention we could all die, any second now?), then Gary gets into those phone calls we don't want to get, about loved ones. He screams:

"Ya ever had somebody t'knock ohn your door an' tell you somethin' you wouldn't - listen, hey - mah momma has been pretty sick prob'ly what - for the last - mattera fact, ah was in Indiana, last year, somwhere wherever Indiana is from here, amen! Whatever south east west 'r north, whichever way it is, ah got a phone call from mah sister an' she said 'MAMA'S DAHIN'!'"

A long pause, then he continues a bit more quietly: "An' ah looked at mah wahf, ah was s'posed t'be leavin' Indiana headed t'Michigan start a revahval that next week an' ah told mah wife, ah said 'I'm goin' to call, an' cancel the meeting,' she said 'No. You need to wait 'til tomorrow.'"

"Ah text two preachers that ah knew an' ah said 'Pray for ma momma, she needs a miracle, she's gonna dah. Ah git to - ah go to bed, an' ah lay there an' ah crah, an' call out to God, beggin' him not to take my momma. An' ah fell asleep after whatever lengtha tahm it was, an' when ah woke up th'next mornin' an' ah looked at mah text an' mah sister texted me, an' she said 'Ah didn't know if you'd still be in the bed or not' an' she said, 'Momma's gonna be awraht.'"

He launches into a short rant about doctors making mistakes and not knowing what they're talking about, and he doesn't know if they made a mistake or God intervened, but his momma is alive today. And he don't like those texts and those phone calls.

Oh, also, the siblings all got a text last week saying they needed to "pray an' git in touch with God RAHT NOW!"  "It come back about 20 minutes later that her sugar dropped down to 'bout 29, an' she was unconscious." Mom again? He doesn't say. The doctors came in and "got 'er back goin.'"

What I'm getting out of it is he's annoyed because his mother is doing poorly and his family  members bother him about it when he's doing God's important work somewhere far away from where he could help.

[Xan]

17 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

What I'm getting out of it is he's annoyed because his mother is doing poorly and his family  members bother him about it when he's doing God's important work somewhere far away from where he could help.

I agree.  Either she can live and someone else can take care of her or she can die and Jesus will take her home.  Either way, Gary wants no part of it.  He doesn't even take care of himself.  He leaves that to Becky.  All he's good for is driving a vehicle and shouting at people about salvation.  Beyond that, he's worthless.  I'd add that he puts up a tent from time to time but I suspect that most of the work is just done by others while Gary tells them whether or not they're doing it wrong.

I even doubt that story about Gary considering cancelling a meeting.  I feel like that went the other way and it was Becky suggesting that they cancel and Gary wanting to wait.  It's possible that he has decided to remember it wrong so that he doesn't have to feel any guilt.  

Gary's mom is obviously in failing health and his dad doesn't look to be doing very well either.  I guess his siblings will step up and maybe Caleb will try to take over Danny's ministry.  It's not as if it takes a lot of training to take over a living room church.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

  Hide contents

till more about being prepared to meet God (oh, and did I mention we could all die, any second now?), then Gary gets into those phone calls we don't want to get, about loved ones. He screams:

"Ya ever had somebody t'knock ohn your door an' tell you somethin' you wouldn't - listen, hey - mah momma has been pretty sick prob'ly what - for the last - mattera fact, ah was in Indiana, last year, somwhere wherever Indiana is from here, amen! Whatever south east west 'r north, whichever way it is, ah got a phone call from mah sister an' she said 'MAMA'S DAHIN'!'"

A long pause, then he continues a bit more quietly: "An' ah looked at mah wahf, ah was s'posed t'be leavin' Indiana headed t'Michigan start a revahval that next week an' ah told mah wife, ah said 'I'm goin' to call, an' cancel the meeting,' she said 'No. You need to wait 'til tomorrow.'"

"Ah text two preachers that ah knew an' ah said 'Pray for ma momma, she needs a miracle, she's gonna dah. Ah git to - ah go to bed, an' ah lay there an' ah crah, an' call out to God, beggin' him not to take my momma. An' ah fell asleep after whatever lengtha tahm it was, an' when ah woke up th'next mornin' an' ah looked at mah text an' mah sister texted me, an' she said 'Ah didn't know if you'd still be in the bed or not' an' she said, 'Momma's gonna be awraht.'"

He launches into a short rant about doctors making mistakes and not knowing what they're talking about, and he doesn't know if they made a mistake or God intervened, but his momma is alive today. And he don't like those texts and those phone calls.

Oh, also, the siblings all got a text last week saying they needed to "pray an' git in touch with God RAHT NOW!"  "It come back about 20 minutes later that her sugar dropped down to 'bout 29, an' she was unconscious." Mom again? He doesn't say. The doctors came in and "got 'er back goin.'"

What I'm getting out of it is he's annoyed because his mother is doing poorly and his family  members bother him about it when he's doing God's important work somewhere far away from where he could help.

I suspect that is what underlies these stories - well, other than thinking they'll be good sermon fodder, because he knows other people get frightened and sad in that situation (some of this was new, but the bit about not wanting to get those scary phone calls about tragedy is often part of Gary's shtick about how we could die any second). He is so focused on his traveling and addiction to preaching that I wonder sometimes if anything else comes close to being as important to him.

I can imagine a preacher with some skill using this tactic as part of a message on the imminence of death, sounding genuinely sad and conveying how frightened he was. Whether he was sincere or a good actor might be up for debate.

But, since Gary only seems to have three settings - bellowing, shrieking, or suddenly quiet but still with an inappropriate affect, it's hard to even guess what he feels, and it comes off as phony. 

Who knows - maybe he felt genuinely sad and frightened of losing his mother, but man, it's hard to believe that.

Edited July 12, 2022 by thoughtful
clarity

[MayMay1123]

11 hours ago, postscript said:

 

”Stirable Jesus” makes me think of a cake mix. I’m sure if I stared at the phrase long enough, I would eventually grasp Gary’s intended meaning, but that’s all I can see at the moment. 

Maybe he meant "create a stir about jesus"? I don't know why I bother trying to figure out wth he means, but it is funny! 

[thoughtful]

5 minutes ago, MayMay1123 said:

Maybe he meant "create a stir about jesus"? I don't know why I bother trying to figure out wth he means, but it is funny! 

I still haven't figured that one out.

I think Gary sometimes uses voice-to-text, so I usually try to imagine what sounds were falling out of his face, to see if I can figure it out. But this post has his beloved tent emoji and capitalizations, which makes me think he typed it.

But I still doubt that either "stir" or "able" were the words he wanted.

[AmazonGrace]

Steering the lost to Jesus?

[Alisamer]

Now my brain is repeating Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" as "Stirable Jesus". 

[thoughtful]

Sorry, Gary - I'm still working on Sunday evening's message.

"Go t'Matthew chapter 25." Long pause while Gary turns pages. "What tahm does Ah Love Lucy come ohn 'round here."

They actually laughed.

He reads "verses" 8:  "And the foolish said unto the wahhs, Give us of your awwl; for our lamps are gone out."

"Ah tellya one thing you better not be boastin' ohn, is bein' foolish." He starts with saying it's foolish not to be saved, but then goes right into screaming about bad drivers and how he used to be one.

"An' they trah their best t'take away mah license an' somewhat or 'nother God would intervene an' ah'd keep mah license. An' ah remember goin' t'one these classes an' you go t'these classes an' it helps take points off an' things an' keep your license an' ah went in an' this woman was up there teachin' an' she's talkin' about uh uh whenever you seein' people crazy an' drivin' lahk crazy you wanna stay behind 'em. Ah disagree with that! Ah wanna git in front of 'em 'cause ah don't know what they're gonna do, an' ah don't wanna be there when it happenssss."

He screams about his travels for a while, all of the accidents and exploding cars he's seen, and he wonders if the people in them were prepared to meet God.

Not praying enough is also foolish. Lack of prayer is the reason for our country being in a mess, not Bahden, Pelosi or Harrison. He does his old bit about how bad things started when they took prayer out of the public schools and the ten commandments out of the courthouses, and the churches have "kicked Jesus outsahd."

He's gotten no responses for a while, so he asks if he's making sense, and warns Becky they might need to pack their bags. That gets a chuckle.

He re-reads verse 8, then reads verse 9, then gets completely flummoxed.

KJV: But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.
BGV: But the wahhs answered an' said Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you but go you rather. To them. That bah an' sell for yourselves."

"How 'bout this? How 'bout not - how 'bout not whir - let's see here where the  scripture at." He stares at the bible for a while. "Give me just a second here."  He stares some more. Becky says something, Gary barks "What?" Becky speaks again, and Gary says "Twunny-fahv. Verse 25? After the - verses 12."

KGV: But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.
BGV: But he answered and said, Verily verily ah said - ah said - he said verily ah say unto you, ah know. You. Not.

Tonight, the role of Jesus will be played by Foghorn Leghorn.

Gary manages to get himself somewhat back on track, and is soon screaming again. "If you're not born again, He never knew you."  And his usual routine about being saved, old rugged cross, cat-o-nine-tails, "spitten upohn," etc. Then comes the anti-higher education crap, and zooming through the "reptobate" verse by memory.

At one point, he screams about how he's a hillbilly who speaks hillbilly, then says "Ah'm not as bad as the Beverly Hillbillies, but ah'm raht behind 'em, amen."

I guess Gary knows about that show from his pre-saved days, because of course he wouldn't watch it now, since Elly Mae and Granny got nekkid to swim in the ce-ment pond:

Spoiler

 

The rich man in Hell, Estus Pirkle's Hell film, then he screams an inspiring story from his Chicago visit:

"An' we was ohn th'streets out there, an' ah'm talkin' t'people, ah'm tryin' t'get people t'Jesus, ah'm trahin' t'hand people a gospel trac'n ah'm standin' here an' ah'm tellin' ya this was a bit ol' goo - dude an' he says 'Ah ain't innerested in that, ah don't want nothin' t'do with it.' Ah said 'You don't want nothin' t'do with a mighty, holy God that want somethin' t'do with you?"

Suddenly quieter: "An' here's what he said. He said 'You are - uh,  uh it's -'" He goes back to screaming. "'That's your imaginary friend-ha that's gonna just magically an' miracle - miracly just show up?' Ah said, 'He's mah frien', there's nothin' magical about him, an' he is gonna  appear one day real soon.'"

He starts in on the Mormons he "dealt with" again. "That's a wicket religion."

"An' we're talkin' t'them, an' here's what th'gah told me, and there the preacher that was with me. He said 'You know, after two an' a half hours, we ain't got nothin' accomplished.' Ah said 'Nope, you're still goin' t'Hell, an' you ain't gonna convert me because ah know the truth.' Ah feel sorry for him. He wanted mah name, an' ah wouldn't give it to him t'begin with, he said he was gonna pray for me an an an' the Jehovah's Witnesses got  one - they got a little bitta the same doctrine as the Catholic but the only difference is the Catholics commend you into Heaven, the Mawmins git baptized for ya. An' that gah looked at me an' he says 'Ah'd be willin' t'get baptahzed for you' ah said 'Sir, you c'n git baptahzed all you want to, ah'm  ohn mah - ah'm already ohn mah way t'Heaven ah don't need yer baptism certificate.'"

That was a ride. I wonder if he even realizes he said JWs instead of Mormons at one point. If not, Becky or Jacob probably let him know.

After a bit more about Gary's personal relationship with Jesus, he does a new reading, so I shall make that a new post, because, again, this one ended up chock full!

Edited July 12, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[Joyster]

Did we know there was a salvation birthday song?  I made the mistake of clicking on the person who commented on Gary's gotcha day post; he also writes poetry.  Don't go there; it's not John Shrader bad but not good.

Spoiler

Jamie Doss, Caleb's father-in-law, posted a sermon of Caleb's.  It's posted on a Facebook group called In Times Like These.  The kitchen island is his pulpit.

Caleb introduced himself as a preacher of the word of God.  He is not an evangelist or a missionary, but if you would like for him to preach for you within an hour of the Winston-Salem area, he can come preach for you.  He also sings; he just wants to be a servant of God like Paul. He wants to be an encouragement.  He thanks God for supplying all our needs and providing miracles. If you are discouraged, you can pass out tracts.  If you are discouraged about that, or whatever it is, he wants to preach encouragement. 

Oh no!  He asks them to open their bibles or their phones (gasp...what would Gary think?) to Hebrews Chapter 10, verse 19.  

It was painful to listen to him read, and I can’t bring myself to point out the errors.  He rushes through and quickly starts the prayer, like he’s relieved to have the reading part over with.

Caleb tells us the title of his sermon is “Let Us.”  I originally heard “Lettuce” and was confused, but it was clearer the more he said it, and he said it a lot. Let us draw nearer to God. Here are things we need to do.  Stay away from lustful desires, put down our phones, read our King James Bibles, and serve him just a little bit longer. 

Caleb starts screaming about all the torture Jesus went through for us.  At the end of most statements during his scream fest, he says a quick, throaty “ah” and sometimes “ahk”.  I’m trying to think about what it sounds like and am having difficulty.  A cat hacking up a hairball sound at fast speed; that’s what I’m going with. 

I stopped around the eight minute mark.  He sounds like a mini Gary, and I can't bear to hear this young man follow that path.  

[postscript]

Caleb looks like he’s standing in a kitchen sink. Even based on that brief recap, he sounds like Gary 2.0. The world does not need another Gary, one is more than enough. 

[Black Aliss]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He starts in on the Mormons he "dealt with" again. "That's a wicket religion."

He's right about that. I used to live in Mormon country and croquet was a very popular pastime with them.

Edited July 13, 2022 by Black Aliss

[thoughtful]

13 hours ago, Joyster said:

Caleb tells us the title of his sermon is “Let Us.”  I originally heard “Lettuce” and was confused,

Well, he was in a kitchen, after all!

13 hours ago, Joyster said:

It's posted on a Facebook group called In Times Like These.

Gary's infamous sermon by the stripped bunk beds, with the "beat an' the bump an' the bam," was done for that group, as well.

Gary has posted:

I want to find something really funny in the rest of your message from Sunday night, Gary. Will I get it?

He announces Hebrews 9:27, assures them his wife can tell them he's never preacher over two hours, tells Jacob to go find him some water, and reads part of the verse: as it is appointed unto men once to die.

He reminds them that they are all going to die. More about death, then he reads the rest of the verse: but after this the.  Judgment:

He launches into his old "Ya ever been t'court?" bit, and, this time, when warming up to tell them that the heavenly judgement is not like an earthly court, says "We're not talkin' about the judge in Salem, Illinoiss, we're not talkin' bout the Supreme Court, that has done some pretty good things in the last coupla weeks."

Also, it seems Gary has a history of bribing judges. Well, that's what it sounds like:

"See, ah found somethin' out over the years in courtrooms. If you got money, you'll git somethin' done. You can go in, you can pay the judge, you can pay the lawyer, you can have plentya money flyin' in their face, an' get everything you want. That's the World's judges."

Gary is distracted by popping sounds in the distance. "Hallelujah they're shootin' us, amen! Playin' cowboys an' Indians out here in a little bit."

While yelling about whether people are ready to meet God, Gary says, if everyone was completely honest, none of them are ready to meet God. Which, of course, contradicts his previous routine about always being ready and seeming scorn of those who don't want to go today.

His "take yer halo off" crap follows. Then he screams:

"Somebody a whahl ago - that's a sad thing, if you don't lahk this that's OK, this is free. But a Baptist preacher, a pastor of a Baptist church, was asking for a country music song. Why in eee world should we have anything to do with country music?"

Silence.

Spoiler

As he turns back towards them, he lets out his animal growl of rage. "Don't - you better start sayin' 'amen' ah'm gittin' deep in a minute amen."

"Country music is wicket! Ungodly! Amen!"

A few chuckles, but no amens. Do they think he's kidding?

He drifts into his bit about how having something as big as Jesus inside of you will show on the outside, with the analogy of pregnancy. This time he adds "Now men's trahin' t'have babies that's pretty sick, amen?"

That gets him his first "amen" in a while.

He shrieks about having lots of church services, and everybody needing to go to  all of them, for a while.

He says that, when he walked into the motel room, displayed on the TV screen was "Welcome, Gary Hawkins." He liked that.

And he's back to talking about dying, death, we're all going to die . . .

"Now ah wanna say, if you're here tonaht, an' the only reason you can't be here this week is because when you git to the funeral home they gotta fax a fax machine showin' us that yer dead."

He whines at them about getting saved, coming to the altar, praying for revival, confessing their sins. It sounds like he's winding down, but he takes off again, doing his routine about Jesus' blood being worth more than Gary's blood.

Then he finally prays, wrapping up his bible and scooping up the bible, his water bottle and his handkerchief as he talks, darting off like he's running away from a crime scene.

 

 

Edited July 13, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[Xan]

53 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"Now ah wanna say, if you're here tonaht, an' the only reason you can't be here this week is because when you git to the funeral home they gotta fax a fax machine showin' us that yer dead."

What?  (Not to mention that fax machines are pretty much on the decline now...)

Maybe he ought to explain that he expects them to say "Amen" every time he puts his hand up to his ear.  You can't be getting pissed off with your congregation, Gar, when you don't tell them the rules.

2 hours ago, Joyster said:

A cat hacking up a hairball sound at fast speed; that’s what I’m going with. 

You're not kidding.  I tried listening to Caleb for a few minutes and it was painful.  I understand that Daddy and Grandpa both try to preach but neither of them are good at it.  Surely Caleb can find something to do for which he is better suited.  I guess the idea of just talking for a living is just too appealing.

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, Joyster said:

Caleb starts screaming about all the torture Jesus went through for us.  At the end of most statements during his scream fest, he says a quick, throaty “ah” and sometimes “ahk”.  I’m trying to think about what it sounds like and am having difficulty.  A cat hacking up a hairball sound at fast speed; that’s what I’m going with. 

I stopped around the eight minute mark.  He sounds like a mini Gary, and I can't bear to hear this young man follow that path.  

Gary tried the "ah" or "ha" at the end of phrases thing for a while, but almost never does it any more. It's a standard old-timey preacher thing.

Caleb really does sound croupy when he does it.

Other than the "ha" thing, the fact that his fallback phrase is "Can I say somethin'?" and occasionally clapping his hands together to get attention, he's pretty much his father's son.

"Ya say 'Who ya preachin' to?' I'm preachin' to the saved and the lost."

"Somebody put on Facebook the other day . . . "

"Old paths."

People want "preachers that tickle their ears."

"Churches are closin' their doors, because nobody wants to come t'church any more, they wanna blame it on - yeah, I understand, yes, clo - covid was a thing, yes I understand it might have killed a few people or whatever this that or the other can ah say somethin'?" And he rants on about the need to "assemble yourselves together," but stay home if you're sick.

"Facebook ain't church!" He does a similar anti-electronics rant as his father.

"Our nation's in a mess" because Christians aren't Christ-like, and "you can go ahead and take your halo off."

He's going to preach the truth, even if it rubs some people the wrong way.

"Lemme give you this real quick an' ah'll be done." This is over seven minutes before the end, then he rushes through three readings, one quite long, and makes a brief point after each, clearly forgetting what the second one should be, then re-reading the passage and correcting himself.

He also says he's "trying to quit," then going on and on.

He hates religious people, and he pretended to be saved, and went to ______ (he lists lots of church activities and times of services). Well, Caleb, we know you had no choice. He doesn't say at what point he was actually saved.

Stumbling and sentence fragments abound - not as bad as Gary, but still there. And he goes into roaring, clearly rehearsed riffs like his father - most of them are repetitive and close to (or totally) meaningless; just orgasmic yelping.

Some non-Gary-esque bits:

"We ain't holdin' fast no more. We let go of some things we dropped the towel, we dropped - we dropped it. I heard a preacher preach on _______(? sounds like "a serial")  one tahm it'll drop the balls an' things we're droppin' it."

He announces a reading from "Hageeya." I have to do a google search based on the first few words he reads, because I have no clue what that could be. Turns out its Haggai.

Oh, and speaking of staying home when one is sick, he is juicily, constantly sniffling throughout the entire message.

Edited July 13, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

6 minutes ago, Xan said:

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

"Now ah wanna say, if you're here tonaht, an' the only reason you can't be here this week is because when you git to the funeral home they gotta fax a fax machine showin' us that yer dead."

What? 

Wasn't that just the most Gary-ish Garybabble?

I'm pretty sure he meant that, if anyone was there on Sunday evening, and didn't also come for Monday through Wednesday, that the church had better get a fax from the funeral home proving they are dead.

Charming, eh?

[Alisamer]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Now ah wanna say, if you're here tonaht, an' the only reason you can't be here this week is because when you git to the funeral home they gotta fax a fax machine showin' us that yer dead."

That's Gary in a nutshell, I think. Incoherent, factually incorrect, guilt tripping, death-focused, and way behind the times. "Fax a fax machine?" Is Gary one of those people who asks people recieving a fax to make sure to send it back?

I print a lot of business cards, so I have some anecdotal evidence of this - hardly anyone has a fax anymore. Just about every time someone reorders cards with a fax number on it, they ask for it to be removed. The few that keep them usually have e-faxes. 

We actually got rid of our fax machine 5 years ago, at my workplace, and haven't missed it.

[Xan]

Gary wants us to pray for our rulers.

So, there's a chance that Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley might end up in hell if I don't pray for them?  Good to know... good to know.

I've tried listening to my Bible but doesn't seem to have a lot to say.

[Alisamer]

17 minutes ago, Xan said:

Gary wants us to pray for our rulers.

So, there's a chance that Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley might end up in hell if I don't pray for them?  Good to know... good to know.

I've tried listening to my Bible but doesn't seem to have a lot to say.

Well. That might explain somewhat why he's willing to support Trump. If it's the lack of other people praying for them, that might send them to hell, rather than their own beliefs and actions. It does contradict his "if you're not saved you're not going to heaven" stance, though. Do you get to heaven by following Jesus or just by having other people pray for you? The mormons baptize people posthumously, that sounds similar in effect. 

Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley I think have earned their way into the deepest circles of hell and no amount of other people praying for them will get them out.