Bro Gary Hawkins 20: Setting Up a Tent at the Train Depot

[postscript]

53 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

how he cleaned church commodes for God

Maybe that's where he got all the shit he shovels. 

54 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"He could not keep his mouth off of preachers."

Oh, that one took my mind to a very naughty place, involving entirely different actions Gary thinks will earn you a one-way ticket to Hell. I love it when Gary;'s folksy idioms sound dirty. 

58 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Ah got an F350

Since he got his truck back, he's mentioned it at least once in every sermon, not counting the Facebook posts about how the Lord miraculously fueled its tank (perhaps it's a miracle like the feeding of the five thousand, in which Gary's Gospel Truck never runs out of gas?). He's more demonstrative toward that truck than he is toward his wife. 

[thoughtful]

9 minutes ago, Xan said:

That Holy Towel has bothered me for a while now.  Why a bath towel?  I used to think Gary was worried about getting sweat on his Bible but he appears to mop his face with a handkerchief.  If he was worried about rain getting on his Bible, wouldn't he wrap it in plastic?  Has he ever been introduced to the concept of umbrellas?  He could put a cover on the Bible.  But, no.  He wraps it in a bath towel.

It would be a more appropriate wrap for a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

He could at least get one that suits the job:

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=bible+bath+towel&i=garden&dc&crid=250LK69YDI4BS&sprefix=bible+bath+towel%2Cgarden%2C63&ref=a9_asc_1

Maybe it's just to protect his Bible when he does his "God's not a genie" routine, and jerks off water bottles. Perhaps we should all follow his lead. I feel a song coming on.

When Gary’s stroking away,
Out of the way, there’ll be spray!
So wrap your bibles in towels,
And tote your bibles away.

When he makes H2O spew,
There's only one thing to do,
Just wrap your bibles in towels,
And tote your bibles away.

Gary will grumble
And act all upset,
Rubbing the bottle he grips.
As water tumbles,
Just grab a serviette,
Don’t let King James feel drips!

Just remember that genies
Won’t come out in the spray,
Wrap your bibles in towels
Tote your bibles away.

Spoiler

 

 

[AmazonGrace]

Maybe it's the BGV version of Samuel 2 22:51

 [He is] the towel of salvation for his king: and showeth mercy to his anointed, unto David, and to his seed for evermore

https://sarata.com/bible/chapter/Samuel-2.22.html#22:51

 

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Maybe it's the BGV version of Samuel 2 22:51

 [He is] the towel of salvation for his king: and showeth mercy to his anointed, unto David, and to his seed for evermore

https://sarata.com/bible/chapter/Samuel-2.22.html#22:51

 

Ah, the towel of salvation! But one must be careful of the Towel of Babel!

And that brings us right back to Douglas Adams again:

https://www.etsy.com/listing/519058305/big-babel-fish-bath-towel-with-neon?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=towel+of+babel&ref=sr_gallery-1-7

[Xan]

Gary's back on Facebook:

I was amused by the random capitals and spelling politics or politicians as "politiction" but my favorite was the one in the middle.  "Sad but true" that God called Gary to preach.  Yeah, Gary.  Nobody is happy about that.  I guess we just "give it to Jesus and then do something".  Be careful.  "Some have fall into the trap."

[thoughtful]

@Xan, thanks for those.

The "sad but true" post made me laugh. Gary being accidentally self-aware is just so bizarre and amusing.

Gary is an idiot, but "politiction" has promise as a portmanteau for the lies some tell; politician+fiction=politiction.

[thoughtful]

Then the word sin starts looking funny and being meaningless, because that's what words do when you keep repeating them over and over.

Sin.

Sin sin sin.

Sin.

Spoiler

Will to sacrifice? Which one, Gary?

Spoiler

 

 

Edited June 30, 2022 by thoughtful
fixing a riffle, and adding more "sin," while I was at it.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

Sin sin sin.

I think it's awesome that Gary recognizes sin. Grasping the basic concepts is the foundation of all deeper math understanding.

 

[thoughtful]

19 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

I think it's awesome that Gary recognizes sin. Grasping the basic concepts is the foundation of all deeper math understanding.

 

But how is he on co-sin?

 

[AmazonGrace]

Co-sin is when you go on a parade to promote sin together.

Tan is when you promote sin while nekkid in the sun.

[thoughtful]

The Hawkins family would love to booked some weeks, if it's the LORD will.

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

@Xan already showed us this post of Gary's, but now there's a comment under it.

Spoiler

If I am translating from the fundy correctly, he is saying "Too many people used to teach, run bus routes door to door, and go to nursing homes to proselytize. Now they say they're too old. But they work around the house and travel. But to give time to serve in God's army? They won't give their time or talent."

Edited June 30, 2022 by thoughtful
My grammar was screwed up - how ironic!

[postscript]

13 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

@Xan already showed us this post of Gary's, but now there's a comment under it.

  Hide contents

If I am translating from the fundy correctly, he is saying "Too many people used to teach, run bus routes door to door, and go to nursing homes to proselytize. Now they say they're too old. But they work around the house and travel. But to give time in to serve in God's army? They won't give their time or talent."

Your ability to translate is impressive. His comment makes Gary seem intelligible.

On initial reading, I got something about running bus routes to nursing homes but the people in the homes are now too old. I can see my reading was wrong. However, perhaps “door to door” has something to do with Gary’s beloved door knocking? 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, postscript said:

However, perhaps “door to door” has something to do with Gary’s beloved door knocking? 

Aha - I think you are correct.

Commas - they make a difference, as both grandma and the pandas know.

Spoiler

 

 

[Antipatriarch]

5 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

I think it's awesome that Gary recognizes sin. Grasping the basic concepts is the foundation of all deeper math understanding.

Gary also demonstrates in his preachin' that he's good at tangents...

[Xan]

Latest from Gary:

Remind me never to get stuck in a ditch and expect Gary to pull me out.  

[Mrs Ms]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

Latest from Gary:

Remind me never to get stuck in a ditch and expect Gary to pull me out.  

He is such a taker, so this is truly bonkers. Presumably he means don’t lower your standards by giving an inch in theological matters, but it sure reads like physical stuff. 

[Dana723]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

@Xan already showed us this post of Gary's, but now there's a comment under it.

  Hide contents

If I am translating from the fundy correctly, he is saying "Too many people used to teach, run bus routes door to door, and go to nursing homes to proselytize. Now they say they're too old. But they work around the house and travel. But to give time to serve in God's army? They won't give their time or talent."

That's not even Weenese.  I have no idea what that was.  Davidese?

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

Latest from Gary:

Remind me never to get stuck in a ditch and expect Gary to pull me out.  

Yeah, given the choice of the whole "keeping separate from the evil World" thing and being the good Samaritan, Gary knows which he prefers.

Which is why I made this, a few years ago - it still applies, including the snark about vehicles:

Spoiler

 

15 minutes ago, Mrs Ms said:

He is such a taker, so this is truly bonkers. Presumably he means don’t lower your standards by giving an inch in theological matters, but it sure reads like physical stuff. 

Going by what he has said in his sermons, I'm pretty sure he means not to get close to worldly people - literally or in any other way.

He has a whole routine in which he says pretty much what he posted above, and often refers to the gist of 1 Corinthians 9:19-22 (although I don't think I've ever heard him read it, because he usually reads passages he agrees with):

Quote

19 For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.

20 And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law;

21 To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law.

22 To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.

He implies that Paul was wrong, or at least warns his listeners not to take it so far that they actually hang out with worldly people, or, even worse, actually try to become all things to all people. He scorns those who spend time with drinkers, dopeheads, cussers, scantily clad folks and the like, to win them to Jesus.

And of course, he's as grossed out as a toddler seeing a hated vegetable on his plate at the prospect of actually talking to gay people. I think he tosses a tract, from a distance, at anyone he suspects of not fitting his rigid idea of gender and sexuality.

Don't help, don't go into any scary places like poor neighborhoods, prisons or hospitals. Just stay home and pray.

Oh, and then post on Facebook about praying.

I don't think Gary would actually be tempted by any habits of other people, since self-righteousness and attention are his drugs, and he gets a huge supply of what makes him high.

But the whole "peculiar people," keep separate, don't let them pull you down bit makes a great excuse for his laziness. Gary's not bringing blankets to the homeless, or talking all night to a troubled man in a bar, or helping any of his non-saved family members with their everyday needs.

But it's only because he's trying not to get pulled into their ditch. 🙄

 

[Joyster]

For those of you that can interpret Davidese, here's a fun one:

Context of the comment: Gary's post three weeks ago about making it safely back to North Carolina after driving straight from Iowa.  Gary was just in time for the busy wedding weekend.

My fundy translation: It's a prayer for Gary's message to spring forward a time of KJV revival everywhere Gary preached.  In addition, it's a prayer thanking LordJesus for Gary arriving safely.

However, my brain keeps taking me to nasty places on that road Lord Jesus.  I don't want to think of David wishing Gary's seed to find fertile ground.

ETA: I watched the first 15 minutes of Gary's second sermon on Father's Day.  I have more information about the young lady at the hotel that was supposed to go to church with them.  Becky met her at breakfast.  According to Gary, the young lady knew Becky wasn't from around there because of the way Becky was dressed.  Gary went on a tangent on how people dressing up showed they were Christians.  Back to the young lady, she was going through a divorce, had three young children, and was staying at the motel.  Gary said she needed love, which was his message of the day.  I think Gary's idea of love is preaching, but Gary couldn't show her love because she did not end up going to church with them.  The lady went to their room but called her mama, and her mama told her not to get in a car with strangers.  Gary announced her first and last name to the congregation and asked them to pray for her.  The sermon has some great closed captioning if anyone wants to take a gander at it.  Here's Gary asking for prayers for the young lady:

Spoiler

His message is pretty much the same, although he lets us know he loves everyone including Joe Biden; he just doesn't like anything about him.

Edited July 1, 2022 by Joyster

[thoughtful]

54 minutes ago, Joyster said:

The lady went to their room but called her mama, and her mama told her not to get in a car with strangers. 

Smart mama.

In this case, she wasn't saving her daughter from physically dangerous people, just from wasting her time with shitheads, but it's generally good advice.

56 minutes ago, Joyster said:

Gary announced her first and last name to the congregation and asked them to pray for her.

Shithead.

58 minutes ago, Joyster said:

I think Gary's idea of love is preaching,

You got that right. He offers absolutely nothing else, as far as I can tell, to anyone in his life or that crosses his path. He just takes and talks.

Given the choice between prayer from the likes of Gary and a stick of gum, I'd take the gum.

And I don't even chew gum.

[postscript]

1 hour ago, Joyster said:

According to Gary, the young lady knew Becky wasn't from around there because of the way Becky was dressed.

Have the states adopted specific folk costumes of which I'm not aware? Or is this one of Gary's subtle digs against nekkid people? Far more likely the young lady figured out they weren't local from (A) the fact they were staying in a motel, and (B) their accents. 

[thoughtful]

20 hours ago, postscript said:

Have the states adopted specific folk costumes of which I'm not aware?

Could be!

Pennsylvania:

Spoiler

Florida:

Spoiler

He's from Idaho, she's from Maine:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Comment under Gary's "ditch" post:

Spoiler

The upvote is from Gary. Gary, you idiot, he's disagreeing with you.

[thoughtful]

Gary posted a video of, as he says, "Downtown Chicago - we're in downtown Chicago, passin' out tracts." He swings the camera back and forth at the intersection where they are waiting to cross the street:

Spoiler

He shows us Becky, briefly,

Spoiler

There's a lot of traffic noise, but I hear Becky say something that ends with "in the way."  Gary asks what's in the way, and she gestures to something in front of her. I can't hear what she says, but she only gets a few words out, and I don't think she's finished, before Gary says "Nah, yer not in the way" and goes back to filming traffic, calling out "Downtown Chicago - they need Jesus!"

Spoiler

He goes on about their needing Jesus, and wondering if they'll ever get to cross. He says "Is anybody comin'?"

We hear a voice that sounds like Jacob, then Gary says "Oh. We gotta wait for the thing."

Would that thing be the traffic light, Gary?

What a menace he is.

He goes back to telling us how Chicago needs Jesus, swinging the camera back and forth.

I'd say that, if Becky is still weak enough to need a wheelchair, maybe they should both know better than to be doing this at all. But we know they have no sense.

That looks like the "transfer chair" style, without the huge back wheels of a regular wheelchair. Someone else has to push those - I guess that's probably one of Jacob's jobs now.