Bro Gary Hawkins 20: Setting Up a Tent at the Train Depot

[thoughtful]

Gary got another comment under his "this needs to be Said" post (BTW, every time I look at that, all I think is "Who is this guy Said?" since that's one of the possible transliterations for the Arabic name also often transliterated as Sayeed):

ETA - this guy is no prize, either - same bigoted fundamentalist crap most of them spew -  but at least he told Gary off.

https://www.facebook.com/ran3189?comment_id=Y29tbWVudDo1NjMzMjUxNDAwMDUyOTgxXzE0MTk0MTkyNjg1MjEyMDA%3D

Edited July 13, 2022 by thoughtful

[Alisamer]

51 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary got another comment under his "this needs to be Said" post (BTW, every time I look at that, all I think is "Who is this guy Said?" since that's one of the possible transliterations for the Arabic name also often transliterated as Sayeed):

ETA - this guy is no prize, either - same bigoted fundamentalist crap most of them spew -  but at least he told Gary off.

https://www.facebook.com/ran3189?comment_id=Y29tbWVudDo1NjMzMjUxNDAwMDUyOTgxXzE0MTk0MTkyNjg1MjEyMDA%3D

Looks like somebody finally realized Gary's reasons for evangelism! He loves that he gets to come in, yell a lot, shake things up, and then waltz on out to the next town, taking a love offering as he goes. If he was a real "pasture" at a real church, he'd have to actually care about people. Most pastors are pretty busy and do a lot of one on one work with their congregation members. Gary doesn't want to go visit sick people in the hospital or counsel families who come to him in crisis, and he sure doesn't want to have to spend any of his own precious time or money HELPING people. He'd also have to have more than 5 or 6 standard sermons that are all variations on the same theme. Pastoring a church is a real job. 

He just blows in, enjoys the spotlight, maybe hands out some tracts, collects his love offering, and heads out to the next mark.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

"An' they trah their best t'take away mah license an' somewhat or 'nother God would intervene an' ah'd keep mah license. An' ah remember goin' t'one these classes an' you go t'these classes an' it helps take points off an' things an' keep your license an' ah went in an' this woman was up there teachin' an' she's talkin' about uh uh whenever you seein' people crazy an' drivin' lahk crazy you wanna stay behind 'em. Ah disagree with that! Ah wanna git in front of 'em 'cause ah don't know what they're gonna do, an' ah don't wanna be there when it happenssss."

Huh so he wouldn't have his licence without a divine miracle? A pretty bad driver then?

Anyway if somebody's speeding like crazy he has to speed even worse to stay ahead of them

[thoughtful]

As the video from July 11 starts, Gary is saying "Y'know what? Ah'm still as excited today as ah was then. An' ah should be, amen? Y'say wha? Ah'm not goin' t'Hell."

I figure he has just told them it is his salvation anniversary.

"Whenever ya look at Luke chapter 16, we're not gonna go there, y'can start turnin' yer bahbles t'first John,  butcha look at Luke chapter 16, verse 19, ah guess it's verses 20 or 21, an' it starts said that the rich man dahhd an' lifted his ahhhs, bein' in torments."

He had to get that rich man in torment in there. He goes on to explain how Hell is worse than summer hot weather, and actually pronounces Illinois correctly.  The lost need to hear about the "lake uh fahhhr," but so do the saved.

"Proverbs chapter 28 or 29  - 29, verses 18 says without a vision, people perish."

Hey, Gary, if you wanted those verses in your message, maybe you should have, oh, I don't know, planned to put them in?

"An' ah'm beginnin' to wonder wha people are perishin' and ah - then uh uh the light comes ohn; people don't got a vision any more. Y'know, years ago, bus routes, hey - ever'body did it. Ah, we - we - ah tell a story once in a whahl an' ah'm not gonna take long we'll get outta here raht ohn tahm whatever tahm it is amen."

The story Gary tells is one I don't remember ever hearing, and it's mind-boggling.

Gary's Daddy, Danny, was driving for a "bus ministry" - a bus churches send around to pick up kids from poor families not associated with the church, for services. A brainchild of Jack Hyles, it was very popular in IFB circles for a while. Or, as Gary says,

"Back in 'em days, ever'body picked up kids. An' Daddy pulled up, an' this kid was faithful, ah mean, listen, he was there every Sunday mornin'. An' he didn't - he wadn't there! Well, in the mornin' tahm you don't got tahm t'figure out where somebody is or whatever so you go ohn, an' that afternoon mama was standin' out there, an' so he stopped."

By "mama," Gary means the mother of the missing child.

"An he said, 'Yeah, ah was lookin' for ol'd so-an'-so, where's he at?' She said 'You mean to tell me he's not ohn yer bus?' An' about that tahm, Gospel Light pulled raht up."

Silence from the congregation. I wonder what they think of this story.

In case Gary's fabulous storytelling escaped you, Danny didn't see a child who he expected to see waiting one Sunday morning, just went on to finish the bus route and go to church without him, never told anyone, and was surprised to see the child's mother waiting for him in the afternoon. A bus pulled up from another church, and I guess we are to assume that the child was on that bus.

I guess Gary thinks the other church just came in and swooped up the kid, like it was a competition or something. And he seems to think that was great. He never explains, never says what the mom thought of all this - nothing. He just goes on:

"Ah b'lieve we need a  - hey, listen, 'at would be a - 'at would be a great problem, wouldn't it, amen? That many churches! Gospel Light, 's'far as ah know now they had their pandemic tahm where Mom an' Dad wouldn't let none them come for a whahl. As far as ah know, they're back at it an' ah'm gon' be honest with you, we need to get a vision."

And he goes on to tell them that he thinks their pastor is a good man, and they should be 100% behind him, because he has a burden for things.

"The brother that was here last night, the older gentleman that was here last night, one that sat on the back, back there, he was talkin' about back in the days whenever he'd go preach meetings and things, things would happen. You know wha things ain't happenin'? We ain't got a vision. We haven't thought about Hell. Is it OK if ah foller the Lord, amen?"

And he rambles on about random things - people not knowing what they want, "We got a president that has to be tol' what to say" (well, at least he finally acknowledges that Biden is president), he's going to preach what God tells him to preach.

He tries to get them excited, and tell them that being Northerners is no excuse: "Ahdunno wh' else ah wanna say t'ya. If you're born again saved by the grace uh God you ought t'have a little bitta excitement aboutcha. Amen? See, w's 'We don't get quite as loud.' An' ah'm not bein' disrespectful or mean or whatever, but ah seen th'kids around here - y'all git loud. Amen! Ah have seven of them, so ah know all about that. So, if you know when they come t'usin' th'excuse 'Well ah'm from up North an' we just don't do that.' Well, ah'm gonna tell ya, ah go down south an' ah gotta do all the amennin' down there too!"

Silence, other than a chuckle, then one male voice call out loudly, "Amen!" Everybody laughs.

I can't help feeling it's an "amen" to the fact that Gary is a lousy preacher, but maybe that's wishful thinking. Gary tells them "When the preacher gits a good point, say 'Amen!'"

Maybe they haven't heard any good points, Gary.

He tells them about inviting a "young lady" who was cleaning at the motel to come to the meeting, and about all of the tracts he's put in the elevators, that then disappear. "See, it's not mah responsibility what they do with it, it's mah responsibility t'give it out."

He tells them about giving out tracts in rest stop bathrooms  - him in the mens' room, Becky in the ladies'. What a team.

While yelling about how people who've been "in the Lord" longer should be even more excited than Gary's saved age of 23, he says it's just like being in  relationship, then slips in one of his little lies of omission about his marriage.

"Me an' mah wahf's been married for a few years, ah ain't gonna tell how long 'cause you git to tryin' t'figure out how old ah am amen. Y'know what? Ah love 'er more today than ah did th'day ah walked down the aisle. Amen? Ah love 'er more today than the first tahm ah ever met 'er. Y'say 'Wha?' Ah'm learnin' about 'er. She's got a long way t'go to learn about me, amen."

Then he gets into the theme of the revival - falling back in love with Jesus. "Ah'm not sure He ever fell outta love with us. You say 'How do you know?' Well, He hasn't killed us. Do you know what God could do, an' still be a merciful, almighty God? You know what he could do? He could send us t'Hell, 's' He'd be justice."

He screams out John 3:16, and goes into his whole "grew up in church" routine.

And he still hasn't done a reading, or whatever his planned message was, but I'm going to continue in another post, since this has gotten so long.
 

Edited July 14, 2022 by thoughtful
riffles

[thoughtful]

Continuing his 7/11 message, Gary tells them that preaching was not his choice.

He claims that "If ah had mah plans, ah tellya what ah'd be doin'. It wouldn't be doin' this. Ah don't mahnd the travelin'. See, ah was told, ah was told bah mah - wonna mah bossmens one tahm, they done ever'thin' in their power, said, 'Now listen, you gotta pay for it, you gotta pay for the thing first, but after you pay for it, an' it's all sahned, sealed an' delivered, you git every bitta yer money back, you'd have s - uh uh - class A  - drahver's lahcense.

I think that gobbledygook means that Gary once had a boss who wanted him to try to get a truck driver's license. Gary says if he'd pursued that, he wouldn't be there, then something that sounds like "Thank God it'd have t'do a lot of damage to get me t'where ah am today."

Silence.

"Amen? 'S'at make sense?

Silence.

"There's some of ya actin' lahk ah ain't - ah don't know what ah'm talkin about."

Gee, Gary, I wonder why.

I don't know if he's saying that, if he'd become a truck driver, he would have never been called to preach by God (don't know why he'd think that, unless he is accidentally, unconsciously admitting that, if he'd been able to earn a decent living, he would never have started this shit), or he's implying that he would have managed to kill himself in a trucking accident if he'd taken that course, or . . .

He does his routine about God correcting him, even in "Walmarts," and screams his salvation story. He adds a bit, mentioning that the pastor was Larry Couch - did we know that before?

After some ranting about Pharisees, he says he doesn't want professions (of faith, I assume), he wants "a - how do ah say it, Becky, ah want a - ah want the real deal, ah'm just gonna talk  lahk a hillbilly amen."

He says that Becky has told him he needs to recalculate and stop saying he was saved at 25 - he was a few months shy of his 25th birthday. "Ah got saved 23 years ago. You say, 'How d'ya know?' I was there."

Yeah, but Becky wasn't - she had to figure it out using the math, because you two hadn't even met yet. Tell them all about that, Gary - it would make for some great stories in your messages, and is nothing to be ashamed of. It's your hiding it and lying about whose children are whose that's a problem.

He rants about how being a Baptist won't get him to Heaven, Nicodemus being educated but knowing nothing about being born again, not being ashamed of being saved, people have done good things for him, but never as good as Jesus.

He tells them that Becky stayed with his parents for five weeks (I assume this was after her recent surgery). "She did buy a few things for 'em, but they tol' her said 'Yer a guest, yer just here for a little whahl, yer husband's an evangelist, we just wanna help you out.' Ah 'preciate that - that's good stuff! But nobody's ever done frt smahl lahk Jesus did."

Don't ask me what frt smahl means - that's what it sounded like, what can I tell you?

Gary tells them his vision of Heaven. Oh, and he's back to slapping the S on the end of Illinois. He does his bit about unsaved people "pukin' their guts out" over the commode every weekend, and how Christians should talk about their wonderful weekend with God when they're at work.

He tells them about his post on Facebook criticizing churches for no longer having four services a week and relishes the idea of getting rid of some of his Facebook critics.

He says he hopes they come back, especially Wednesday, because "ah'm takin' this thing down, an' ah need some people t'watch me again."

They laugh. A man says "I'll be there."

He rambles around the story of Job, and how the devil will test good people, and screams his claim that there are churches with people in them who want him back, "but the preacher cain't handle it, an' he won't have me back!"

As part of his "as it was in the days of Noeee," and "as it was in the days of Lot" screamfest, he says "Are we not there? Ah don't know if they - ah mean, ah read about sodomahts inna bahble, ah don't know, maybe they had transginders an' they may have done this in the bahble, all ah know is, is one person said it lahk this; the reason we know more than apostle Paul did is because we got too many 'lectronics!"

He does an old rant about the pandemic, and how "they" took sports and Sunday school and other things away from children, but let them go trick or treating on Halloween. Children need to hear preaching. He tells the story about the preacher who threatened to take the "bus kids" with him and start a new church, if the adults didn't stop runnin' their mouths.

"Do you know who apostle Paul was? Do any of ya know, you studied, maybe the preacher's preached 'bout apostle Paul, an'  when you read it was plain an' clear, apostle Paul, hey - if you named the name for Jesus, he killedja! Back in 9/11, those people that was flyin' those planes, here's what they said; 'We're doin' Gawd a favor bah killin' American people.' Now hey, they thought when they crashed that plane, the pahlots thought y'know, 'cause they have their religion from - whatever country they was from, an' they thought 'We knew that -  we could kill an American, an' God'll let us into Heaven.' You know they woke up in Heyull? Thinkin' they was doin' God a favor?"

And he's off and running, talking about what he doesn't like about church people.

He is 32 minutes into a one-hour . . . whatever this is . . . and hasn't done that reading from John (remember? He did announce that he was going to read from John) yet.

 

[Xan]

Good grief, @thoughtful -- he's getting worse, isn't he?  If it was anybody but Gary, I'd suspect a brain tumor.  Most people don't ramble as much and make as little sense.  Fortunately (I suppose), we know that Gary regularly doesn't make sense.  But, that church bus story...?  You'd think he'd at least finish it up.  And "frt smahl lahk Jesus did"?  I suspect Gary's elevator no longer goes to the top floor.  I also find it easy to believe that other preachers don't want him back.

I think it's interesting that he keeps trying to get people to think that Becky's his only wife and that all 7 children were theirs.  He must be ashamed of that divorce.  It makes me wish that the first wife would show up at one of his tent services.  

 

[thoughtful]

7 minutes ago, Xan said:

Good grief, @thoughtful -- he's getting worse, isn't he?  If it was anybody but Gary, I'd suspect a brain tumor.  Most people don't ramble as much and make as little sense.

I think we are hearing what happens when Gary decides to go off-script.

Part of the reason it's taking me so long, and I'm quoting so much, is that he's saying things I've never heard him say before, most of it gossip, insights into his past, or so bizarre I can't resist it.

I wonder if any of this is close to his planned message (he is including a few familiar riffs). I have another 27 minutes or so to find out if he ever realized he never read from the bible.

As for the "frt smahl" - Gary often makes sounds that are not remotely words. Sometimes I just do _________ (incomprehensible), and sometimes I assume what he said. But that actually happens a lot. I just couldn't resist trying to spell this one. For all I know, he was saying something in English and I just couldn't understand it.

So far, Becky hasn't intervened, or asked him if he smells toast, so we shall see . . .

[thoughtful]

Let's see if Gary ever read from 1 John, and/or started making any sense, on Monday evening. Oh, and we seem to have been given a miracle - captions weren't working before, now they are.

People claim to love their church, then Gary goes back the next year, "an' they're not even t'be found!"

He dives into the lectern, like he's looking for them under the microphone:

Spoiler

 

"Ah preach at a church in upstate New York which -  the family's - ah don't know if she listens to mah videos an' ah really don't give a flip, amen. Ah don't mahnd sayin' - ah don't mahnd sayin' the truth. If it hurts you, here's whatchu need t'do - change yer shoes an' git yer shoes raht. And whenever we popped inta town she had quit church, an' she found out that we was back in town an' - she didn't really care about me but she lahked mah wahf, that's the reason ah go back to a lotta churches. They endear t'the end because mah wahf's there amen. An she started runnin' th'preacher down an' ah said, 'HUP! Ah don' wanna hear it. You don't come t'church here, you  have nothing t'do with thisss, you don't want - you listen, you don't keer enough about the church t'show up, you quit th'church because you got yer little bitty feeings hurt, ah don't wanna hear it. So, if that's all you got t'say, th'best thing for you to do is turn aroun' an' come back in - leave just lahk you came in.'"

He says he doesn't know if their pastor wants Gary talking about his business, but Gary's going to do so anyway. He says the pastor's going to have to go back to work, "Somebody git him some money or give him a job, either one amen."

Gary keeps trying to call the pastor (Sean Hicks) by some other first name, which I can never catch - Kevin, maybe? When he says "Brother - uh, Hicks, ah don't know wha ah'm callin' you ______, " the captions have darker ideas:

Spoiler

He jokes, of course, that Hick's mama and daddy should just re-name him.

He says he wants to see them have a Christian school, and then starts talking about their getting a van (instead of a bus, because, if it's anything like New York, you have to pay "hah-dollar taxes" for a bus).

Gary was watching a video with a preacher he knows, who can't sing. "He cain't hold a tune, he cain't tune the bucket, whatever ya wanna say."

 "An' he even tol' me the last tahm ah was down there when ah preached for him raht after mah wahf had her surgery he was talkin' about gittin' a mini - uh, gittin' a van an' startin' a bus route. But the people told him, when ah was listenin' to the video, he said, 'You'd better be careful, we'll start walkin' outta here.' You know what that lets me know? They're not committed."

Did someone say that on the video? Did they say it earlier and the pastor quoted it on the video? Did he say it to Gary earlier, in person? Did Gary just dream it?

He appreciates it when people make sacrifices. "Mah wahf makes biscuits an' gravy once in a whahl."

Captions:

Spoiler

At about 38 minutes in, Gary admits that this is not what he was planning to preach that night.

No shit.

He rambles incoherently about their pastor - I just don't have the strength to type it out sound by sound, but it goes on for quite a while, and seems to be complimentary.

He tells them about the two churches that invited him to become their pastor. But he says he doesn't have a "pastor's heart." Also, he'd be "outta the willa God."

He wants to get them fired up. "Ah know it's discouraging, in the day an' tahm we're livin' in."

Captions:

Spoiler

"Butchu know what? Ah'm stayin' in the Fairfield Inn. You know where apostle Paul stayed? Jailhouse. An' ah don't know what they have - ah've never been to jail thanks be t'God Lord help it never t'happen, ah prob'ly will go if the Lord tarries His comin' an' ah stay with this . . "

Spoiler

" . . . stick with the stuff, ah'll have a jail ministry."

I wonder if Lord Terrace knows Lord Daniel of the Laundromat.

"Ah don't know if apostle Paul had a bed or not. Ah have no idea. Ah know that Jeremiah was in prison, an' he was in the mary clays, ain't that what the bahble says?"

Spoiler

Well, Gary, the "miry clay" was in Psalm 40, but there is mire in Jeremiah's prison.

They all rode in there in nice vehicles, but "Apostle Paul either walked, or rode a donkey."

Captions:

Spoiler

"Jesus Christ either walked, or rode a donkey."

Captions:

Spoiler

"Ah had a preacher t'tell me one tahm he said, 'Man, you're nuts. T'take all seven of your children an' travel this way and do whatchu do.' You know what, when ah look back - " He looks at Becky. "Two thousan' an' twelve, is that raht? Ah had seven children, what, three of 'em, four of 'em was teenagers? Three of 'em, ah don't know. Ah cain't remember that far back, mah goodness."

Well, you'd only recently met four of them, Gary. Not that Gary would be the kind of father to know the ages of his children if he'd known them from birth, let's face it.

He tells them how Becky told him he was in the wrong prayer closet (well, he just says "wrong closet" this time - I wonder what the congregation thinks). But they went on the road from November 13 to right before Christmas. This, he remembers.

Then he tells them, with great wonder in his voice, how, the first full year they were out on the road, 2013, they ate in restaurants he never would have been in otherwise, even alone, because he couldn't afford them.

"Ah'm just sayin', if God kin do it fer Gary, God kin do it fer you."

Fifteen minutes left. I shall return.

Edited July 14, 2022 by thoughtful
re-inserting picture that failed to stick

[AmazonGrace]

Wait what, Gary drove across the country with seven kids in tow? And he thinks that's cute?

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

Wait what, Gary drove across the country with seven kids in tow? And he thinks that's cute?

Why, beyond cute - he thinks it's downright Godly!

When they started out on the road, they had Becky's four children and Gary's three with them. Gary always tells tales of having "mah seven children" with him when he started traveling for "evangelism."

I think all or most of them were with the traveling crap show for several years, until Becky lost custody of her children that were still minors, and her adult daughter decided to leave. But I don't remember the exact timing now - someone else may know it better.

Gary's three have had to stay with them as they traveled - I don't know if Gary and Becky have specified an age at which they can leave (and probably be expected to go get a job).

Jacob is 15 now, I think. He does all of the hard work for them, so they may try to hold on to him until Gary dies of apoplexy while shrieking somewhere.

[Alisamer]

12 hours ago, Xan said:

Good grief, @thoughtful -- he's getting worse, isn't he?  If it was anybody but Gary, I'd suspect a brain tumor.  Most people don't ramble as much and make as little sense. 

 

I can think of at least one other person who rambles that much and makes as little if not less sense. He's kind of orangey-tinted with a bad combover and his name rhymes with "dump". 

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

I think all or most of them were with the traveling crap show for several years, until Becky lost custody of her children that were still minors, and her adult daughter decided to leave. But I don't remember the exact timing now - someone else may know it better.

Gary's three have had to stay with them as they traveled - I don't know if Gary and Becky have specified an age at which they can leave (and probably be expected to go get a job).

Jacob is 15 now, I think. He does all of the hard work for them, so they may try to hold on to him until Gary dies of apoplexy while shrieking somewhere.

I can't imagine why Becky would have lost custody of her kids... I mean, technically homeless, driving across the country, living in grifted motel rooms and church basements, never staying in the same place more than a few days, fed whatever they can grift from the people hosting them, being screamed at constantly by Gary in the name of God... why isn't that just the best possible way for minor children to live?

Also - she lost custody to her ex-husband and HIS HUSBAND, right? I think that's important to note. And it probably explains a lot about why it seems Gary's kids are the ones following his footsteps and we almost never hear about Becky's kids. I can't imagine the sort of things Gary says to them. I imagine they probably keep a polite distance if they're still in contact at all. 

[thoughtful]

28 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Also - she lost custody to her ex-husband and HIS HUSBAND, right? I think that's important to note.

Yes. I guess some wonderful judge somewhere saw who were the better parents. As far as we know, all four are thriving, and love and admire their dad and stepdad.

I can't really feel bad for Becky - she chose this bizarre man and his sick life over her own children and the potential to have a cooperative relationship with her ex.

I feel horrible for what the kids had to go through, and how they had to see their mother go down the drain. And I feel horrible imagining what those two men had to face, and how carefully they must have had to tread, if any of the kids had caught Judgmental Fundie Fever already by the time they got free.

BTW, Gary's ex has another child, whose last name is Hawkins, and who is not that much younger than Jacob. We don't know if his biological father is whoever she was seeing as her marriage to Gary was falling apart, or Gary.

But, as far as Gary and Becky let on in public, none of these complicated, very human life events happened. They've been together forever, and they have seven children, according to Gary's sermons.

[thoughtful]

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more . . .

As Gary's ad-libbed Oh Thank Heaven for 7/11 rant continues, he screams on about how God can do it.

"Lemme tell you this an' ah'll quit. What tahm is it?" When he finds out it hasn't even been an hour yet, he says "Ah'm doin' good. Ah got plentya tahm ah got plenty more stories t'tellya."

"Ah preached a missions conference in Montana this year, an' ah don't know if ah've said it or not, but ah got a burden for America."

He does his usual bit about being glad missionaries want to go to other countries - this time he adds "Now ah did fahnd out whenever this war in Ukraine started out, ah did - ah never really thought a whole lot about it as far as mission field or whatever, but ah found out there's a few churches over there - good churches."

But Gary's burden is for America. Back to the Missions conference.

"An' on Sunday naht, the preacher had got up, an' he had went through another town about a hour away from where we was at, an' he said 'Ahhh went to a town,' an' it's lahk a Indian reservation ah don't know wha they got it as an Indian reservation 'cause there's more whaht people live there than Indians."

"But he said, 'Ah wanna go an' do a survey an' just see if anybody would be innerested in a church in Hot Springs Montana.' So Monday morning we all got up, we loaded up in his church van, an'  we drove to Hot Springssss, Montana."

Dramatic pause.

"We get out, he puts some over here, puts some over here, we sorta split out it was about  15 of us so we sorta just divide out inta town."

Dramatic pause.

"An ah'manna tell ya - ah told the preacher  - after - after fahnally meetin' up with the preacher wherever we met at ah said 'Listen, preacher, this town needs a church but ah'm not sure anybody's interested. Ah mean ah d- ah heard ah heard everything - 'Well, ah'll tellya brother ah'll tellya now Mr. Hawkins, they need a town here - they need a church here, an ah'm sure somebody'll do become, but we're not innerested.' Ah was told t'leave the property, ah was told to shut up, ah met some  - ah met some creatures, amen."

Dramatic pause.

"But at th'end, one of the members of the church in Superior Montana met a lady, an' they give her - we done a little survey thing, it was like, y'know, would you be innerested in church, how much would - you know, religion an' stuff lahk 'at. An' one of the members of the church over there give a lady - a young lady - one of those surveys, an' this young lady give it to another young lady, that had lived in that town she had moved about an hour away because there was nothin' there she got saved somehow another, ah don't know how all that went about or whatever, an' she couldn't fahnd a church so she moved an hour away t'go to church, an' God told her 'No, you need t'go back, ah need you in that town.'"

"Now, this - this week, it probibohbly be thr - two months, that they started a church there an' they already - they done a baptizin' Sundee." 

Gary, somewhere between your usual "prob'ly" and "probibohbly," an actual word exists.

He tells them to pray for their politicians, reminds them again that, after all of his reading and thinking and writing down ideas that afternoon, he isn't saying any of what he planned. "See, ah lahk it when Gawd does it."

He goes back to "inkerrigin'" them, in sentence fragments. The pastor appears to be paging through his bible.

Gary is exhorting them to go doorknocking in pairs. "Getcha a tag team, getcha two bah - an' because the bahble says -  ah wouldn't go bah mahself! We're livin' in purlis tahms, dangerous tahms ah tell you that already."

Spoiler

OK, if they came doorknocking in a tube, I might be tempted to at least watch them try to get up the walkway. Still not sure I'd open the door, though.

He tells them that, if they go knocking on doors in one area, and nobody comes, God may send somebody from another neighborhood. "Ah seen it happen a-many a tahm."

While he's rambling about reasons they think they might not be able to go out godbothering, he says "An' ya can't never get nobody t'do nothin' an' ya got a headache an ya gotta - ma wahf just had a mahgraine headache today prob'ly still workin' on one tonaht, hopefully she can sleep it off tonaht or whatever, listen hey . . . "

And he goes right on telling them how to build up their church. Sometimes you don't need physical growth, but spiritual growth. He screams:

"Paul told the Corinthian church, 'Ah can't - ah can't give you no meat! Ah can't give you no steak or chicken or hamburger, ah gotta feed you with mill because you're carnal!"

Captions:

Spoiler

You'd think the Colonel would have chicken, at least.

I have no idea if Gary meant to say "milk," as in the actual verses, or "meal," or what.

"So hey if nobody else shows up an' you git on fahr f'r God, an' you git t'bein' where you can eat steak an' chicken an' if ya don't lahk chicken ah'm not sure you can be saved an' be a Baptist amen."

Laughs.

"It proved out pretty good t'have biscuit gravy for Sunday afternoon that's pretty well proof of that Baptist amen."

He does his automatic riff on being of one accord and working together. Gary's not in any particular group, he's a "Jesus-ite."

"Ah preach for this kahnd, an' ah pre - preach for this group  . . . "

Spoiler

He'll preach to anyone, even non-Baptists, and he gets on his dissing his fellow Baptists shtick again.

"We need someone with a peeyun t'go aroun' to some of our Baptist preachers an' pastors an' an' bust their heads - get that balloon t'come down an' come back t'earth mah wife sometahm she sells Tupperware an' so sometahm she just gets so involved in 'at an' ah'm tryin' t'talk to her an' she's over there . . ."

Gary tries to convey Becky's dreamy, unearthly state:

Spoiler

"Ah say, 'Becky t'earth! Becky t'earth!'"

Ground control to Major Gary - it's the other way around, idiot.

More rambling "enkerridgment," then comes this story:

"Ah preached up in Chicago an' there's a woman up there an' ah mentioned she's - she worships Steve Anderson ah hope  - she tol' mah wahf she's gonna get away from him ah hope she does. Ah don't think anybody ought t'be have t'go through such as what he what he is. Amen."

"An' the preacher - y'know, she goes to - before she comes - she says she was gonna try t'be there Sunday mornin' she didn't go - she goes t'somethin' else, it ain't a Baptist, but an' they don't have church, they just set aroun' an' have a - prob'ly a gossip center's what ah have t'say amen? An' she came, an' the preacher's talkin' to her, an' the preacher said, 'You keep ohn, ah'manna make a Baptist out of you.'"

The way Gary says it, it sounds like a threat.

"Now ah put on there today, if you - well, ah don't know if Brother Hicks is, ah don't know 'bout anybody's Facebook friends with 'em, but ah put on there today that I been saved for 23 years today, an' she put on there, she said, 'Ah was 33 years old before ah ever heard about Jesus an' the salvation of Jesus.'"

I found the comment:

Spoiler

Citation needed, Lurlene, and are you aware of how Gary's talking about you?

Gary goes on to tell them that they'd be surprised how many people, right there in Salem Illinoiss, don't know about Jesus.

He gets back to the idea of tag-team work (soul-winning, cleaning the church) and mentions that the preacher had said something about popcorn preaching. I'm guessing he means as part of this revival, because Gary says, "Hey, don't bother me - ah'm not the greatest preacher, y'all done figured that out."

He starts yelling about getting kids involved. "Let him rahd that lawnmower - ah don' know what kinda lawnmower you got, but hey, make it room, build you somethin' on there, build a trailer behahnd it, whatever!"

People of Salem Illinois, or Illinoiss, don't do that. Really. Don't.

"Ah feel sorry for kids today that have t'go t'public school, ah do, 'cause ah know what's shoved down their throat, an' it ain't Jesus. An' ah wanna say this an' ah'm done. Ah wanna say this an' ah promise, ah'm done.

Captions are losing patience with your promises, Gary:

Spoiler

"They talk about puttin' prayer back in public school. Ah'm not sure that ah'm quite agreement with that. An' listen to it before ya cut me off - "

We hear the piano - sounds like a few keys pressed by mistake.

"Mah wahf's already tryin' t'cut me off, amen. You think about this - probably, in this town - ah know you go to Chicago it wouldn't be a bitta problem sayin' this, but possibly, in this public school, there's an atheist. You shirley wouldn't want the atheist t'pray over - t'pray to your - to pray over your children, would you?"

Captions:

Spoiler

We don't pray, Gary, and stop calling me Shirley.

"'Cause of atheists don't even - say they don't even believe in God, which ah'm gonna be honest withya ah've never met a true lah atheist because when they get in trouble, you know what their first words are? Oh, God." 

It depends on how bad the trouble is, Gary, but I tend to go with "oops" or "ahhhh, c'mon!" Sometimes the circumstance merits "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Fuck!"

"Or maybe you get a Muslim. Shirley you don't want yer - you don't want a Muslim prayin' over yer chil'ren."

Captions:

Spoiler

Gary, stop calling the Muslim Shirley.

Gary says some towns are still Christian. He saw a video - he says it must have been a very small place, and "they was doin' a pledge allegiance to the flag - it made me rejoice!"

Captions:

Spoiler

Gary, lots of schools still do the pledge of allegiance. Most states actually require it, officially, but with exemptions. And, your whole "things were better in the old days, when I was a kid" shtick is shattered by the fact that the case establishing the freedom for students to opt out of it goes back to 1943. And I'm not sure what the pledge has to do with religion.

"Ah'm just sayin', if they're gonna pray to the God of the universe, if they're gonna pray to the God the savior of the world, ah'm all for it. Butchu don't know, if you know anything about public schools, not every teacher's a Christian. An' ah don't want mah chil'ren goin' to public school, praise God."

Long pause.

"Hey. Ah hope that what ah said t'naht made sense. Ah just wanna inkerridge ya."

He does a winding-down whisper of a few more "inkerridgments," sounding ever-so-proud of himself, and the video cuts off as he prays.

Edited July 15, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[postscript]

He’s really on a Steve Anderson tangent recently. A mention in every sermon. I wonder if he listened to one of Anderson’s hate-fests? 

Gary’s sermons sometimes read as his version of stand-up comedy. He uses incidents from his own life to illustrate his points, and he does seem to enjoy the stage. As with Jill R, it’s unfortunate he can’t channel the need for attention into amateur dramatics, However, his sermons come across as something from open mic night, given how often they miss the mark or just plain don’t make sense. 

I’ve started working on a Bro Gary glossary. It’s likely to take some time, given how much is going on in the rest of my life and the need to go back through many threads. I’ve already rediscovered some forgotten early gems. However, I’ve also had to look at those early food pictures and get sick all over again. 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

If anyone deserves scorn from Gary, it might be Steve Anderson. I agree with Gary I hope that the lady gets away from Steve Anderson's church. 

I also don't agree with forced prayer in public schools. 

Other than that, I don't agree with Gary. He doesn't seem to change much. How old is he?

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, postscript said:

He’s really on a Steve Anderson tangent recently. A mention in every sermon. I wonder if he listened to one of Anderson’s hate-fests? 

Every time he's mentioned Anderson since the Chicago trip, it's because of his idea that Lurlene, from the church in Chicago, has been listening to him, or "worships" him. So I figure that's what brought Anderson up from the murky depths of Gary's mind (wonder if there's miry clay in there), to the scattered forefront.

9 hours ago, postscript said:

Gary’s sermons sometimes read as his version of stand-up comedy. He uses incidents from his own life to illustrate his points

This one was even more like that than usual. Most of them are structured (believe it or not!), with planned, numbered sections following specific readings, and containing his well-worn, automatic-pilot routines. Anecdotes are in there, but most of them are also old and well-practiced.

Usually, what I'm listening for is language errors that are funny, offensive shit, or new anecdotes, in between the standard loops. But this one was mostly Gary in full-on gossip and insult mode, with much more new material than usual.

9 hours ago, postscript said:

I’ve started working on a Bro Gary glossary

Thank you! I keep meaning to do it, and get caught up in just reading old threads. Here's what I have on my list - it's not really a glossary with definitions, just a list of memorable Garyisms. Hope it helps:

not the smartest cookie in the thing

Rather a trullmull was made

Inbrained

Goodly herridge (for heritage – psalms 16:6)

Prince in the pudding brother I judge what I see with a fruit (in May 2019 argument about clothes, with a pastor, on Facebook)

Before we was ever existed in the part of bein' here

today's southern gospel is no more than country music got the beat 'n' the bump 'n' the bam

Septicker (for sepulchre)

 Go get the lost God

 Fellowshipping around the alternator

 If you don't come it's not the church's fault

 They LORD the LORD

 So thankful that GOD fails

 Can you don't give HIM a little time of HIS day

 I just love it when the LORD does it

 He has call us and we has went

 He not a gennie where you can go to

 Ready or not HE coming

3 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

How old is he?

Gary was born in October 1972, so he is 49.

Edited July 15, 2022 by thoughtful
clarity

[Xan]

I'm sitting here laughing at the Garyisms.  I'm not sure which is my favorite.  I like "not the smartest cookie in the thing" but I just love "He has call us and we has went".

[thoughtful]

31 minutes ago, Xan said:

I'm sitting here laughing at the Garyisms.  I'm not sure which is my favorite.  I like "not the smartest cookie in the thing" but I just love "He has call us and we has went".

Very Pogo, isn't it?

I found some more Garyisms - these are more like a glossary, with intended meaning included:

Amen? (often with one hand up to his ear) = I’m not getting enough approval and shout-backs of “Amen,” etc.

You’re a tough crowd = I’m not getting enough approval and shout-backs of “Amen,” etc.

If ah have to do the preachin’ and the amennin’ we gonna be here all night. = I’m not getting enough approval and shout-backs of “Amen,” etc.

Is everybody alraht? = I’m not getting enough approval and shout-backs of “Amen,” etc.

It’ll be alraht = I screwed up, or change my mind, or some of you don’t like or understand what I said, but I don’t care.

If you think _____________, that’s OK – you have the right to be wrong.

Ah got a preacher frienda mahn in _________ (name of state)

Consoversy = controversy - it also means controversial – Gary doesn’t always bother with the parts of speech.

 

Other mispronunciations:

Nazaress

Lazaruth

[Alisamer]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, lots of schools still do the pledge of allegiance. Most states actually require it, officially, but with exemptions. And, your whole "things were better in the old days, when I was a kid" shtick is shattered by the fact that the case establishing the freedom for students to opt out of it goes back to 1943. And I'm not sure what the pledge has to do with religion.

For the record, I'm a year and a half younger than Gary and also grew up in NC. I don't remember doing the pledge regularly since like kindergarten. It's like once we memorized it we didn't do it anymore. We did it in Girl Scouts with the daily flag ceremonies when we were camping, but not in school. 

11 hours ago, postscript said:

I’ve started working on a Bro Gary glossary. It’s likely to take some time, given how much is going on in the rest of my life and the need to go back through many threads. I’ve already rediscovered some forgotten early gems. However, I’ve also had to look at those early food pictures and get sick all over again. 

Oooh. I'm interested to see that! If there's anything where the accent is totally throwing you I'm willing to make an attempt to assist - Gary seems to talk similarly to one of my grandfathers and a few other elderly country men I've met. 

Speaking of, I've been to "Carowee" (Carowinds) three times already this summer. The coasters are AMAZING. 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

For the record, I'm a year and a half younger than Gary and also grew up in NC. I don't remember doing the pledge regularly since like kindergarten. It's like once we memorized it we didn't do it anymore. We did it in Girl Scouts with the daily flag ceremonies when we were camping, but not in school.

The schools where I worked until well into the 2000s, in New England, said it at every assembly, and I think many classroom teachers started the day with it.

So my idea of it still being done was probably influenced by that. I suppose it varies a lot. Maybe Gary is  . . . right (oooh, that was hard to type), and its use is fading out. I'd be fine with that.

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Speaking of, I've been to "Carowee" (Carowinds) three times already this summer.

Oh, I'd forgotten about "Carowee" and how it confused me! You were the person who figured out what he meant, weren't you?

Weenese is hard.

[Alisamer]

6 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Oh, I'd forgotten about "Carowee" and how it confused me! You were the person who figured out what he meant, weren't you?

Weenese is hard.

Weenese is hard. I did figure it out, because he was talking about rides and stuff. Carowinds is the closest amusement park with rides to where Gary is from, so that's how I guessed it. (There are a couple in the mountains, too, but they are smaller and Dollywood didn't start while he was a young child like Carowinds did.)

It's a regional park owned by Cedar Fair (owners of Cedar Point and a bunch of other parks) so not terribly well known nationally. Outside the Carolinas it's mostly known by roller coaster enthusiasts, as it does have one of the top coasters in the world. Plus a couple others that are very very good and two that are kind of historically significant as roller coasters go. (One of the only two "Flying Dutchman" coasters left operating, though it's not currently operating... rumor is a repaired control board's shipping container fell off a ship and is now at the bottom of the ocean; and the first coaster to have 4 inversions.)

 

[thoughtful]

14 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Weenese is hard. I did figure it out, because he was talking about rides and stuff.

I remember - before you explained it, because I had never heard of Carowinds, I thought that he was in some mental Gary-mess where he was blending the terms carousel and ferris wheel.

Weenese is hard, but the struggle is fun.

 

[thoughtful]

Gary changed his profile pic on Facebook:

Spoiler

Tuesday night, 7/12 under the tent, at Crossroads in Salem Il, the video begins with Becky crooning No One Else.

Gary comes up, un-towels his bible, and, after a few reminders that it's all about Jesus, tells them to turn their bibles to 1 John chapter five, "let's trah this again."

But he goes on for a while (and gets reminded to turn on his microphone) about how he likes it when the Lord does it.

Then he gets on to the subject of smaller churches doing more than larger ones. He says he once belonged to a church with 700 members, and only 20 went out on visitation.

"See ah git criticahzed because the bahble says 'If ya love me, keep mah commandments.' Well, goin' t'church is a commandment. Now ah had a gah last naht t'argue wid me said it wadn't in the bahble, ah mean, but here's what ah found out about people; if it don't say it word for word, then God didn't say it. Ah mean ah guess then we need a - God needs t'have a bahble that says everything exac'ly."

Why, yes, Gary - that would be nice, and the confusion, inscrutability and openness to many interpretations in all religious texts is one of the reasons people turn to others to interpret them, and even leave the faith. But you claim the KJV is infallible, even though you admit you don't understand a lot of it.

But I digress (or regress, per Jill) - Gary actually hardly took a breath there, and plowed right on:

"But see, what the problem is, people don't have common sinse. Amen? You lookit what's goin' on in th'White House an' you kin uh you kin uh you kin applah all that stuff that's goin' on at th'White House, you kin applah a lotta that in our Baptist churches. Preachers git up, lahk about git up an' act lahk Joe Bahden - don't know what their talkin' about. Ah told that gah last naht, ah said 'You know what? You don't know much about God an' you don't know much about the bahble if you don't think goin' to church is a commandment."

Captions (and check out the pissy face):

Spoiler

Gary imitates the other man with his stupid-voice, saying "'It don't say that.' Well, Hebrews ten twunny fahv, not forsaking the assembling of ourself together."

Captions:

Spoiler

He goes on for a bit longer about how God said it. We're over five minutes in, and still no reading, but, this time, Gary mumbles "Ah dunno wha ah said that but it's awraht, that was free, amen. John - first John chapter fahv when y'git yer place if ya can yer willin' an yer able stan' for the readin' of the worda God."

Captions:

Spoiler

I will look in "verses 6," as Gary instructs, later.

Edited July 15, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[AmazonGrace]

Is Steven Anderson so famous that his audiences would know about him? I only know of him because of FJ but would Gary's crowd be aware?

[postscript]

Thanks, I didn’t have any of those Garyisms other than “the beat ‘n the bump ‘n the bam” so my list just doubled. I suspect I’m going to need to break this into multiple sections. I also may need to make some hard choices between word and phrases needed for basic Gary  comprehension (“reptobate,” for example) and malapropisms and folksy sayings which are humorous but not as commonly used. 

A couple of personal favorites from the early threads - “robto” (makes me laugh every time I rediscover it) and “toothpasta.” And no Gary glossary would be complete without “IT BIBLE.” 

Whenever he says “verses 6” (another Garyism!), I’m reminded of a former orchestra conductor who would tell us to start at “letter 10” or “number C.” 

 

Edited July 15, 2022 by postscript