Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People

[forgetmenow]

On 11/17/2021 at 9:49 PM, thoughtful said:

Ya cain't git regular sick anymore, ever'thing's the Covid. Some of you'll git that after a whahl."

If they haven't already, they sure will.

[thoughtful]

Continuing the 10/23 message about the love of Jesus, and how it makes you want to give, except to women on the beach, Gary finally decides it's John 5:8, then reads . . . you guessed it! Romans 5:8!

 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

"Do you know what Romans chapter fahve verse eight is? It's an unconditional love."

Lots of familiar crap follows, laying on the guilt for the sacrifice Jesus made for sinners.

He reads 1 John 4:16  - We love him, because he first loved us.

More familiar caterwauls follow. Remember when I couldn't figure out why Gary was afraid of being Hell, "frying lahk sausage with mah bathrobe," then realized it was "with my back broke" when he pronounced it a bit better another time? Well, the captions are having a similar problem.

Spoiler

Gary mentions reading Chronicles, and does his bit about being glad his Mama wasn't born in those days because of all of the funny names.

"Pee-leg? An' that's just one name."

Well, I know you are allergic to original text, Gary, but, according to the Hebrew, it looks like it should be pronounced Pehleg. And, as it has been buffeted about, down through the years, nobody seems to have pronounced it like someone is urinating down their lower limb.

Quote

Peleg (Hebrew: פֶּלֶג‎, romanized: Péleḡ, in pausa Hebrew: פָּלֶג‎, romanized: Pā́leḡ, "division"; Biblical Greek: Φάλεκ, romanized: Phálek)

He talks about dating, and trying to figure out if someone's going to love you. Then he gives us a one-two punch of pretending he and Becky have been together forever, and some marriage-mocking:

"Me an' mah wahf's been together so long now ah don't - ah just tell 'er ah love 'er amen? 

Captions:

Spoiler

Everybody does, Gary.

"Butchu know what ah don't know who told one another first, but ah'm gonna tellya there was somethin' about the day that ah met her, ah knew ah loved her - ah didn't know wha, other than she was actin' nice, now ah got married to her she said ah said 'Ah do,' ah sahned the ticket, boy it got ruh - the roller coasters come rollin' amen. But you know what, we had to realahze one another loved us, so we could move ohn t'our relationship, amen."

And it's the same thing with Jesus. Somehow.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+3%3A12&version=KJV

Gary knows he has a loving Heavenly father, because He corrects him.

Gary tries to stay on the good side of God, "so ah don't git whuppins,:

And he goes on to mock people who claim they have never been chastened by God (think they're perfect, have that little halo on), and says that means, "you ain't saved. HAYMUN! Good preachin' if ah am doin' it."

So much for that thing where he says he can't tell who is saved, it's between the person and God, etc.

He gets on the subject of getting whuppings from his Mama. Worth quoting, I think, for offensiveness and general weird language use - under spoiler for those who want to skip it.

Spoiler

After his usual crap about how he wasn't even allowed to use the word "spank" because he got whupped, he goes into detail.

"Mah mama had switches they call ____"(random noises) "- do you - ah don't even know if they can have them things any more, but we had a - we had a tree that would produce switches about that long.

An' ohn th'enda that switch it had some kahnda little - king's things is what they called it, an' whenever that thing come around there, you knew what - you knew that you had had a stripe."

I think he meant "keen," which I did find in connection with hickory switches,  when he said what the captions and I both heard as "king's." Maybe Gary has thought people were saying "king's" all these years. 

He sounds like the tree had no other purpose. If it was a hickory, did they eat the nuts or use the wood for smoking meat, or was it at least ornamental? Gary just remembers it as the switch-producing tree.

He goes on to shriek that most people today would call that child abuse, but he is thankful that his Mama and Daddy loved him and corrected him.

And God is just like that. Or something.

He screams about the 23rd Psalm, and God's "little stick," asks if he's making sense, and announces "Fizzions 4," but no verse. I find it, in my horrible, sinful not-a-Bible online.

15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:

"Sometahm, He speaks with truth."

What, not all the time?

"What is it ah see ohn Facebook, an' 'ey say - too much sugar decays. Too much lahs is what the - lahs of th'devil - decays an' people just go crazy, amen?"

We need, in the White house, schools, churches, etc. - preachers to get up and preach "What thus sayeth the worda God! What thus sayeth the Lord!"

Gary, you need to learn what combinations of words actually make sense in English.

Part of this spiel is always comparing too-nice preachers to a doctor that tells you you're fine or sends you home with a sugar pill, despite knowing you have cancer. It's better to be honest with the patient early in the disease.

This time, he adds, (top volume): "Even with somma the people that found out that they had this Covid,"

Or:

Spoiler

"If they found out that they had it early enough, sometimes the doctor could cure it amen. You know what ah found out, since this Covid's come down? Ah've been sent videos, ah've been sent attachments of things thatchu could read, an' an' look at, an' things - ya know what ah found out? Somma these doctors in there listen hey they're just in there t'make a dollar."

Quieter: "Do you know Donald Trump, when he went into the hospital and they said he had the Covit? Ah don't know what the name of the madison is, but they give him that madison" He starts getting louder. "Three days later he came home, or back t'the Whaht House, an' here's what he got on the TV and said, he said 'Ah have never felt this good!' So if that madison was good enough for the president, wha wouldn't it be good enough for somebody that's not in the - maybe in the top - parta their job. 'S'at make sense?" Full screaming: "If you give 'em sumpin' that'll he'p 'em, amen? That's what ah wohn, listen hey if ah ever have t'go t'the hospital, or ah ever haveta go  t'the doctor, ah want the doctor t'be up front w'me."

And he manages to bring it back around to weak, entertaining churches that won't preach sin.

Gary says he doesn't know if things would be better "even if we did get another good president," He claims he's not saying that would be a Democrat or a Republican, but can't quite bring himself to say "he or she" about this theoretical future president. He says "he or . . . whoever."

He gets sick and tired of seeing people bad-mouth Joe Biden (but he makes sure they know he doesn't like "what's goin' ohn with Joe Bahden"). Because, of course, the fault lies with "the people of God."

Gary says that, if he met Biden, he'd preach Jesus to him, so he can give up his Catholic religion and be saved. Some people (he switches into low, stupid-person voice) say they'd shoot him or "bust him in the face," but Gary's glad God didn't do that to any of them before they got saved, when they deserved it.

Gary, I remember you saying you'd like to beat up Biden, and, if I remember correctly, kill him. I guess it's nice to know you've gotten past that stage, at least. Low bar.

As Gary recounts his horrible past of "playing church," the captions have some trouble with his pronunciation of "religious realm."

Spoiler

He gets all tangled up trying to talk about the schools in Virginia, and how "they got a governor who's tryin' to run as a republican" (this was before the election, so I assume he's talking about Youngkin, and can't think of the word candidate), and parents not being allowed to determine what their child is taught.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+5%3A44&version=KJV

Pray for your enemies.

Gary says it's "very easily" to pray for the people who are giving them a place to stay, and Brother Ernie and his wife who are "blessin' us" - you mean feeding you, Gary; just say it.

But he needs to pray for his enemies, like "that man in the White House who thinks he's president." Also, the "crazy" man who "stole his way, twice, into the politician worl' of bein' a governor or North Carolina."

Gary says he's going with a group to stand outside the capitol in Raleigh on the following Friday. He's talking about the Stand Up For America event. Anybody want to check to see if he's in the crowd?

I did a quick check on his Facebook page, and can't tell if he ever left South Carolina on that day. He might say something in the service from that night - I'll let you know when I catch up to it.

After more fake claims that he will love and pray for his enemies, Gary reads Romans 6:23 - For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Gary gives the short version of his idea of Heaven. Marge needs to get in out of the cold.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+timothy+1%3A12&version=KJV

Out of love, God will put a calling on your life. Gary has a calling, as do Marge and Ernie.

That's the love of God. Or something.

[thoughtful]

On Sunday morning, 10/24, they were indoors at New Life Community Chapel. Becky and Jacob sing He Is Really All That Matters (again).

Gary comes up, and while he's doing his "It's good to be in church" greeting, Becky gets up from the piano, and goes directly to the altar (bottom step, as far as I can see, in this church), and kneels to pray.

Spoiler

A woman comes up to kneel with her. Gary asks for prayers for "mah middle daughter." She texted that morning twice, to say there was something wrong with her heart rhythm, and they're going to do tests for blood clots.

I'm not sure how you have a "middle daughter" when you are counting all four girls as yours, Gary. It would have been nice if he'd let Becky skip the singing, or even church, so she could check the phone at will. But maybe she'd rather be busy.

Gary launches right into his usual routines, announcing Psalms 30 and babbling "it's  good t'know we got a God we can serve, amen? At the end there's nothin', nothin' at all, amen, Psalms chapter 30" as Becky rises and the other woman hugs her and walks her back to her seat.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+30&version=KJV

Lots of errors, of course. Gary's allergy to "est" endings (he makes them "eth") extends to "didst" - he says "diddeth."

Gary says the psalm is "givin' us some sahns that uh one these days this thing's gohn' be all over with, amen?"

Really, Gary? You see a prophecy of the rapture in Psalm 30?

He re-reads verse 5, then says he wants to preach on "Here's What's Comin'. Here's What's Comin' listen hey, it looks bad when you watch the news amen . . . " and he's off and running. After some of his usual routines, he says that Genesis 7:16 will tell them what Christians can look forward to at the end times:

And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the Lord shut him in.

They get a cruise with thousands of animals?

He does some of his Noah routine, making sure they know that Noah predicted that the Lord Jesus Christ was going to destroy the world. Being saved is like being shut safely in the Ark.

"Ah'm not in safe in th'arms of the worl', ah'm not in safe in th'arms of the media, ah'm safe in th'arms of God amen?"

He rants about a guy who came up to him in Pennsylvania. "Ah'mohna tellya raht now, ah have found out somethin' - ah can fahnd some people that are dumb. Ah mean, listen, ah have these listen ah have a jar of nuts that foller me around an' they come in an' when ya preach  the - preach against somethin' they don't lahk, or ya say somethin' they don't lahk, they'll come up to ya an' they'll say 'Hey! We needta talk!'

Gary said the man "kep' ohn runnin' his mouth," and "could run a buncha circles, but he could never figure out what his point was."

Are you sure it was the other guy having that problem, Gary?

Gary spoke to the preacher from that church on the phone, and asked if "that nutcase" came back to church. The pastor said no, but "he sent me a 12-page letter on how God was gonna take keer of you, of how God was gonna shut you up."

Gary says that, after the man lectured him, he got a phone call offering him another meeting. "Ah wish people would slow down on me a little bit."

I'm pretty sure this is supposed to mean that God sent him a message that he was right and the man was wrong, by giving him another grift opportunity, followed up by a joke that he's busy enough and would like to rest.

So, #1, Gary's safe in the arms of God. Or Jesus. Or shut in behind the doors of the ark. Or something. "Here's what's comin' next - go to Job chapter 1 real quick-lahk."

He tries to read Job 1:20. KJV:  Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped,
Bro Gary Version:  Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the rock - ground, and worshipped him.

Job didn't give up after all of his troubles, because "he was looking to Jesus Christ to be the finisher."

And he veers off into screaming about God putting Joe Biden in the White House because the people of God stopped praying.

Lots of automatic-pilot preacher stuff follows, with "uh" endings and panting.

"You know what the governor wohnts - the government wohnts today? They wohnt us t'depend ohn them.  Now ah wanna say somethin' to ya, ah'm not bad-mouthin' anybody that does - or has - an' is in the position because ah think those things are out there to help people. But ah have been - ah have been told, because of me travelin' ohn th'road, ah have been told - an' ah can applah for it, an' git every bitta what ah needed today. But ah'm not ohn food stamps. Y'say wha? I don't think ah should be."

He assures people on food stamps that he's not preaching against them, and anybody who needs it should get it. "Here's the way th'government is - most of th'tahm, if ya need it ya don't git it, an' if ya don't need it, that's when ya git it. Haymen!"

Citation needed, Gary.

He goes off on a long screechfest about how he wants no government help. Like Shadrach, etc, he won't bow down to their gods, won't listen to their music, because God's done a whole lot more for him.

Gary, the pride about not taking government money (which I think is a lie, BTW) would come off a whole lot better if you weren't taking money, food, clothing and shelter from just about every person you encounter.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+42%3A12-13&version=KJV

He acknowledges that "these other children would never take the place of those children."

While telling them that nobody likes being tested, Gary says: "Mah boy was talkin' about a whahl ago at the end of every year or the beginning ah don't know when ya do it ah been outta school for a little whahl whatever, but yer supposed t'take these tests to see where you at in yer schooling an' see how things're going he was talkin' about wantin' t'take one ah'll tellya  raht now whenever it was mah tahm ah didn't wanna take one them things ah hate tests amen?"

He's mentioned someone named Brother Will now and then during the week, and refers to him again - Will has been out of work and job-hunting for about six months. Gary mixes his plight in with the trials of Job, and tests in school, for a while.

One of Gary's trials, he tell them, is that, because he's not in North Carolina very much, whenever one of his vehicles breaks down, "ah'm never close enough to family t'git help. Ah think God knows wha - ah might lean on Him insteada them."

First of all Gary, I think you said the opposite of what you wanted to say. Secondly, it's not like God swoops down from the clouds with a tire and a jack. You're still expecting other people to come to your rescue, generally for free.

Gary wasn't planning this, he says, but he wants them to go to Proverbs 5. Or maybe 3.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV

"You know what ah have also seen, when it comes to financial - harm or what's the word ah wanna use - ya don't have no whole lot?"
Becky: "Hardship."
Gary: "HAH?"
Becky: "Hardship."
Gary: "Hardship. Y'know what ah seen with couples? Is put 'em pretty bitter."

He says they shouldn't judge Job's wife - she told Job to "curse God an' dah," "not because she wanted t'get out of the ministry, not because she wanted t'get out of church."

I wasn't aware the Jobs had a ministry or went to church, Gary.

Job's wife just didn't want to see her husband "go through this."

Losing ten children might have made her a little sad, too, Gary.

He rants for a while about how God provided for his seven children, and how he has no idea where the food came from, except from God, then tells them again about his "preacher friend in New York - him an' his wife, they just ended up with the Covit last week," and how, like in Psalms 23, God "maketh" them lie down.

Gary says some of his relatives would have liked to live with Job, because he had all kinds of animals, then Garyjokes about cats being unGodly.

He also claims that Becky kept asking to buy things for their grandchild while their daughter was expecting. He screams, "Ah said, 'Mah goo'ness, ah've got seven chil'ren, if God - listen, hey, ah would haveta compromahze, ah'd haveta join up with a wicked crowd, so ah could supplah seven needs of seven chil'ren of havin' seven grandchildren.'"

Gary, were you going to St. Ives?

"Butchu know what? Testings." And he rambles on for a while, then tells them to go back to Psalms chapter 30.

More later.

[Ozlsn]

28 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

yer supposed t'take these tests to see where you at in yer schooling an' see how things're going he was talkin' about wantin' t'take one

I really hope that Jacob (assuming it's him) is looking at options other than preaching and starting to work out how to get to where he'd rather be. He must be sick to death of travelling, grifting and Gary's awful preaching by now.

32 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

He does some of his Noah routine, making sure they know that Noah predicted that the Lord Jesus Christ was going to destroy the world. Being saved is like being shut safely in the Ark.

I still find it utterly weird how he just shifts Christ around through time and inserts him randomly in the Old Testament. Noah was at a time when monotheism was still a pretty new concept, and still I think very much at the "my tribal god is better than your tribal god" stage. Then again Gary is still very much at that stage - his Jesus Christ can kick your Jesus Christ's ass any day!

45 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

He goes off on a long screechfest about how he wants no government help. Like Shadrach, etc, he won't bow down to their gods, won't listen to their music, because God's done a whole lot more for him.

I love how he shoehorns music in there - yes Gary, the government totally requires you to listen to Beyonce to get food stamps.

[forgetmenow]

2 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I love how he shoehorns music in there - yes Gary, the government totally requires you to listen to Beyonce to get food stamps.

Yeah, I was wondering what "government" music was, too, but, it must be this, of course.

Spoiler

 

 

[thoughtful]

18 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I really hope that Jacob (assuming it's him) is looking at options other than preaching and starting to work out how to get to where he'd rather be. He must be sick to death of travelling, grifting and Gary's awful preaching by now.

I hope so, too. But that story about how Jacob promised his life to whatever God wants, when they were at the Texas camp meeting, is worrisome (excuse me - concerning - worrying is a sin). He may be all in.

As for the music coming from the government, that may just be Gary's wandering mind, but it could be a reference to the verses about music being played to call the people to worship the idol Nebuchadnezzar put up. Y'know, the dulcimer and sackbut and all.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Daniel+3%3A4-5&version=KJV

Continuing the 10/24 service, Gary re-reads verse five of Psalms 30 again - third time's the charm, eh, Gary?

"Ah'm gonna tellya what's fixin' t'come - Joey."

Gary goes even further astray from his usual pronunciation of "medicine" as "madison," and tells us that Proverbs says:

Spoiler

Yep, captions, that's what I heard, too.

He talks about laughter, and  lets something slip. He says "Mah wahf - her daughter's layin' up there - her daughter's layin' up there in the hospital. Her heart rate - her heart ain't beatin' raht or doin' whatever it is it supposed to be doin' raht."

He goes on to point out how far away the hospital is - he mentions Parkersburg, WV (he doesn't usually let on where Becky's kids live).

Finally he says (about Becky), "But you know what? She better - she better enjoy some laughing."

Ah Gary, you are all heart.

Gary reminds them that life is short, as only Gary can: "Ah'm almost 50 years old they say ah'm almost fixin' to climb an' fall over tonaht."

Some version of being "over the hill," perhaps?

Then he says something about Will's having got there and passed it, and gets laughs.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+4%3A36-41&version=KJV

The end of the storm is coming.

Some "God's in control" stuff follows, and Gary's version of the David and Goliath story, in which Goliath calls David a "little punk."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A16&version=KJV

AFter only a few sentences, he starts trying to recite the 23rd Psalm by memory, and stops at "righteousnesssssss." He makes them turn to it, and reads a few more verses).

I find out I made a mistake - Gary is not still at the church in Loris SC - he's somewhere else, in North Carolina. The videos no longer have any reference to where they are, either on Facebook or Youtube, so, unless I recognize the church, I have no idea.

He tells them about Ernie in Loris losing his niece. Oh, and he has a restaurant with good food and plenty of it - "you'll take a box back with ya."

And he gets into his lists of people who died, and how their loved ones need "The Comforter." When Gary says "Brother Kenneth McFadden," the captions don't quite get it:

Spoiler

Gary hasn't really caught on that his description of Brother McFadden, in his story about calling him only three days after his wife's death, sounds like McFadden was confused and distraught and still in shock.

All Gary cares about is that McFadden said he knew he had a comforter. This one has become canon, like the brave confrontation with President Nez. I wonder what the conversation was really like.

"See, some people think, an' ah don't lahk the way it happened, it shouldn't have never happened, but Mr. Bahden that calls himself a president he ain't no president. Mah goodness, Donald Trump's the president HAYMUN! He took those people outta that - he took those people outta Telebon, and brought - well, he took some them an' left the rest of 'em." Dripping sarcasm: "What a president. what somebody keers about America. You know what? Ah think - ah think God had a hand in that. Y'say wha? Well, hist'ry gotta repeat itself."

Much like you, Gary.

The martyr crap follows - Gary now says  that, when "they" saw his head off with a dull hacksaw blade, it's going to take three hours.

But he'll have a comforter.

He announces 1 Corinthians 1, and doesn't bother giving the verse(s). I find it, eventually. It's 1 Corinthians 15.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+15%3A51-60&version=KJV

KJV: O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
BGV: Ohhhhh death, where is tha sting? O victory, where is tha - oh grave, where is tha victory?

The Lord's fixin' t'come back.

Gary says that Brother Will can have his tent if the Lord comes today (the usual stupid joke, implying that the other person wouldn't be taken up with Jesus).

Brother Will (I assume): Thank you!

Gary tells someone who just got saved, "It's the best thing that ever happened."

He says that Caleb dating "a good girl, ah lahk her a lot better than ah do _________" (too mumbled to hear)."
Jacob: "Amen."
Gary: "Ah just feel sorry for her t'marry that fellow oh mah."
Jacob: "Amen."

Captions:

Spoiler

She grew up in church, and just got saved 4-5 months ago.

He rattles off the "reptobate" verse,

You'd better be saved - the Lord is coming soon.

 

Edited November 21, 2021 by thoughtful
fixing pictures and spoilers

[Dana723]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary said the man "kep' ohn runnin' his mouth," and "could run a buncha circles, but he could never figure out what his point was."

"I'm sorry, Captain, but the Irony Meter is off the charts!  She's gonna blow!"

[Hane]

Gary’s blathering on about Jesus Christ saving Noah reminds me of an anachronism in the medieval miracle play, “Noah and the Flood,” in which Noah says of his wife (translated roughly here from the original Middle English),

”She’s as great as a whale/She hath a gallon of gall/By him who died for us all/Would I’d lost her.”

The “him” he cited wasn’t supposed to show up until several thousand years later.

(The passage also refers to her saying her “paternoster,” a prayer that wouldn’t exist until Jesus came up with it.)

Edited November 21, 2021 by Hane

[thoughtful]

After preaching at wherever the heck he was in the morning, Gary was back under the tent at New Life Community Chapel in Loris SC by the evening of 10/24. Feed that preaching addiction, boy.

He is starting the reading as the video begins.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A33-41&version=KJV

KJV:  And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left.
Bro Gary Version:  And. When they. When they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the male factors on the right hand, and on the others - and on the - and on the left side. And the other on the left.

Errors, omitted words and added words abound, but he actually reads superscription correctly.

He gets to his theme quickly again - Calvary. And he starts yelling about how Calvary was the end of death and the beginning of life.

He reads verse 33 again, but that's OK - I never tire of hearing him say "male factors."

And he goes on screaming, including the theory (which, of course, he says he can back up with scripture) that Jesus was in Hell for three days "finishing up the payment."

"People wanna bring up stuff, but they don't have no scripture to back it up. Ah have scriptures t'back it up."

After more crap: "Ah may let y'all have an early naht  - ah need one."

I did notice that this is a very short video - wasn't sure whether Gary just didn't talk much, or the devil messed with the recording equipment again.

He re-reads verse 34, and says the "not only did salvation begin in verse 33, the forgiveness begun in 34."

And he screams about how Jesus was tortured, then gets into some weirdness about two-by-fours, and how, back in the day, when houses were built, "they had real two-by-fours."

Captions:

Spoiler

Now, if you go into a hardware store, 2x4s are not 2 inches by 4 inches any more. Because everything was better back in the old days, of course. Or possibly, "2x4" is a colloquialism, Gary.

So, what does that have to do with the crucifixion? Gary will tell you! "It was not treated wood that Jesus Christ hung on."

And he proceeds to revel in gore, mixing up that image he loves about the stripes on Jesus' back (under spoiler for those who don't want to read gore):

Spoiler

"Whenever He'd take a breath an' he'd come down an' the splinters an' all those things would go into his plowed body an' field. Listen hey - He forgive people fer doin' that."

He re-reads verse 38, and claims that the sign above the cross meant that "all of a sudden they realahzed that He was the king of kings, He was the Lord of Lords. In verse 38 at Calvary, He proved who He was amen."

I have always heard that the INRI sign was meant to mock Jesus, Gary. But you do you.

After some standard preacher-shriek, Gary talks about how glad he is that Jesus proved who He was. "Sometahm we don't prove who we are, amen? Ya ever have somebody t'tell ya 'Oh, ah'm so-an'-so, an' ah do this this an' this an' this. Ah gotta gah in North Carolina ah'm hopin' in the next week or two, ah'm hopin' in the next week, 'cause ah got an F350 an' ah'm tryin' t'get him t'work on it he said he was gonna start sometahm the first of November t'work ohn it was gonna take him about two weeks. Ah'm hopin' that he's gonna prove himself, 'cause ah'm gonna call him Wednesday an' say 'Hey! Ah'm still waitin' needin' t'know, hey ah need t'get somebody lahned up t'bring that vehicle to ya.' Well, y'know what? When Jesus said He was gonna do somethin', guess what He did? He did it."

Gary, maybe you should get Jesus to fix your truck.

"He said in the booka Genesis there - Genesis chapter one, He said in the beginning God created the Heavens an' the earth. Listen, He didn't needta do it in seven days, but He was usin' the seven days that here - that's what we're supposed t'do - ohn Monday through Saturday we're t'work, an' then on Saturday - Sunday we're t'rest. But He proved Himself by hanging the stars an' the moon an' the sun, an' the - an' listen hey makin' creation lahk it is you got the ocean an' then you got the mountainsss. Amen?"

Gary, pointing out where the oceans and the mountains are:

Spoiler

Gary reviews his list of what the verses prove, and goes on to verse 43, which was not in his original reading:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A43&version=KJV

Salvation was received at Calvary.

Gary screams about the two thieves, and how one of them realized he deserved his punishment. Well, what he actually shrieks is:

"There was another one there that realized where he was at, because the Roman soldiers, that was their punishment, of killin' people. Listen hey, if America would git back to punishin' people the raht way, we'd prob'ly seen less crahm, amen?"

After more screaming, "Look at verses 44."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A44-46&version=KJV

In verses 44-46, He paid the cost. "The cost was blood."

And he does his whole weird routine about how Jesus purposely shed his blood, all of it, and how it did not stay on the ground, but was collected, and "is setting at the raht hand of the throne of gracccce."

Having just mentioned Jesus, Gary screams "You remember when He told Abraham  . . " and goes into the story of God asking for the sacrifice of Isaac.

So now, Jesus is in that story, as well.

While rambling about Jesus paying for our sins, Gary says something about Ernie having employees, and says "mah boy said he got paid on Wednesday." So it sounds like Ernie might have given Jacob a job while they are there (as ever, take anything I interpret from the Weenese with a grain of salt - I could be misinterpreting).

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A47&version=KJV

He lists the items from his previous points, and adds that salvation was finished.

"He done it all, amen?"

Captions:

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+24%3A1-3&version=KJV

I haven't heard Gary say "septicker" in a while. The captions try their best:

Spoiler

Septa curve?

He misreads verse three, runs right on to his next point, then forgets what it is, so we get: "And they entered in, and found nobody of the Lord Jesus Christ here's what happened at Calvary raht here because of Calvary . . . " He freezes, looks in his steno pad. "Death ended."

Verse six: KJV: He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
BGV: And He is not here, but He is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet alive. In Galilee,

"Calvary's where it begun, an' Calvary's where it ended."

Spoiler

Under a half hour - Gary, you should do this more often. You manage to be just as offensive, and just as ridiculous, in a short time!

Edited November 21, 2021 by thoughtful
missing word

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Ah gotta gah in North Carolina ah'm hopin' in the next week or two, ah'm hopin' in the next week, 'cause ah got an F350 an' ah'm tryin' t'get him t'work on it he said he was gonna start sometahm the first of November t'work ohn it was gonna take him about two weeks. Ah'm hopin' that he's gonna prove himself, 'cause ah'm gonna call him Wednesday an' say 'Hey! Ah'm still waitin' needin' t'know, hey ah need t'get somebody lahned up t'bring that vehicle to ya.'

I am still very curious about the entire truck situation.  Is this the only guy who would do it for free?  Was he away on business for a year?  Is he a soldier stationed overseas?  Why couldn't he start work until November?  And why wouldn't Gary just beg congregations for money and get someone else to fix his beloved truck?  I'm totally befuddled.

[postscript]

3 hours ago, Xan said:

I am still very curious about the entire truck situation.  Is this the only guy who would do it for free?  Was he away on business for a year?  Is he a soldier stationed overseas?  Why couldn't he start work until November?  And why wouldn't Gary just beg congregations for money and get someone else to fix his beloved truck?  I'm totally befuddled.

I agree. Additional questions - where has the truck been for the past year? And what happened to the truck that it will take two weeks to repair?  In my limited experience, that sounds like serious body damage. Why didn't Gary just determine the truck was totaled and use insurance money to buy a new one? Oh, silly me. First, he probably doesn't have insurance, and second, that would require an outlay of funds on his part. 

Also, and perhaps most important - what does the truck have to do with Gary's purported message that mandates it be repeatedly mentioned in his sermons?  

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And he goes on screaming, including the theory (which, of course, he says he can back up with scripture) that Jesus was in Hell for three days "finishing up the payment."

This is actually pretty common theology, at least in the Lutheran church I was raised in.  I was taught that Jesus spent those three days he was dead in Hell, suffering on behalf of humanity.  Scripture to back it up? You've got me there. 

[thoughtful]

17 hours ago, Xan said:

I am still very curious about the entire truck situation.  Is this the only guy who would do it for free?  Was he away on business for a year?  Is he a soldier stationed overseas?  Why couldn't he start work until November?  And why wouldn't Gary just beg congregations for money and get someone else to fix his beloved truck?  I'm totally befuddled.

I keep thinking that the truck is so badly damaged by whatever he did to it (he admits it was his fault, but I don't think he ever said what happened) that everyone else he approached said it was impossible to fix (or quoted him such a high price that he couldn't consider it).

IIRC, Gary has mentioned how much money he needs to have the work done, so it's not being done for free.

14 hours ago, postscript said:

This is actually pretty common theology, at least in the Lutheran church I was raised in.  I was taught that Jesus spent those three days he was dead in Hell, suffering on behalf of humanity.  Scripture to back it up? You've got me there. 

I did know that it wasn't a unique Garyism (and, because I never trust myself on such things, I also googled!). He always does his "you don't have to believe this, but I do" disclaimer with this one, so I don't know if it's one of the things about which IFB people don't agree.

On the evening of 10/25, under the tent at New Life Community Chapel, the video begins with the Hawkinses groaning My Lord's Taking Good Care of Me.

Gary's segue from the song is to declare that we know God's taking care of us because we're still alive. It looks bad when you watch the news, but Gary knows who's in control. He seems to be doing a lot of tsking and tooth sucking.

"Well, praise the Lord, if they hadn't been speedin' they coulda come to church a little slower, get t'hear the gospel a little bit anyway amen."

Are you thinking that I forgot something before that, and that I know who Gary is talking about, and WTF that means? You would be wrong - it was out of a clear blue sky. Maybe somebody was late for the service?

He asks prayers for Miss Marge, who isn't feeling well. "Brother Ernie is headed for New York, but because a'this mandate junk they got goin' ohn, uh, whatever airlahn he went with, ah don't remember what it was, he is havin' t'stay over in A'lan'a until they can get a driver t'take him t'New York."

The captions don't think it's junk, Gary, and they had some trouble with your accent again:

Spoiler

He reminds them that Ernie's niece passed away, and asks prayers for the whole family, including Miss Marge's sister: "The Covit did somethin' to her mahnd or her brain, an' she's just not actin' raht."

He asks prayers for someone who's going to Charleston, then says the last time he was there was when his daughter needed a hole in her heart repaired, and he doesn't want to go back there again.

He's referring to Michaela, when she was an infant. He's back to remembering to claim all of the kids as his, referring to her as "mah second-oldest daughter."

I have no idea if the people he wants prayers for are also going to the hospital, or just going to Charleston, and that memory is all Gary associates with the city.

A man asks prayers for Brother JT, who is having surgery. Gary asks "What's he havin' surgery ohn?"
Man: "He didn't never say, he wouldn't never say."
Gary: "OK."

He sounds disappointed.

"Whatever it is, if it was me, an' it was just mah toe, it would be serious surgery amen? So, pray for that."

Becky asks prayers for Adrienne, who is still not feeling well. Gary reminds them of her symptoms, then "She went to the hospital. She didn't have the Covit, annnn' . . . what was it she had?"
Becky: "She had bronchitis and it was pleurisy."
Gary: "So, somthin' messin' with the bronchitis, so . . . pray for her so she can get over this amen."

Does Gary think bronchitis is a part of the body?

He tells us that the Kocinskis (who he doesn't name, of course) are recovering - Henry and his wife, and their middle son, all had it, but not the other two kids. He spews a long ramble about Henry's quarantine, the rules in New York, and how he couldn't even go outside because they live in a duplex (don't ask me, ask Gary), and a story about "one them countries" where there was a covid restriction so strict that people could only go out to walk the dog, so family members all wanted to walk the dog.

Gary prays, and we find out that the trip to Charleston is just a visit. So it really was just Gary's weirdness that he had to mention going to the hospital there.

"Look in Luke chapter 2 real quick-like, amen, ah don't haveta - listen ah don't haveta invite the boogeymen, they here."

We hear another man's voice, but I can't hear what he's saying - all I can catch is "truck" and "two of 'em."

Gary says "I'll preach a little bitta the Bahble, maybe they'll get aholt to it, amen."

We've heard Gary use that slang for police before, so I'm guessing there are two police officers nearby.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+2%3A1-20&version=KJV

Gary struggles through this familiar text, screwing up much of it, in that horrible strained, list-reading voice.

KJV: there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus
BGV: there went out a degree from Siezure Augustus

KJV: when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.
BGV: when Cesarea was governor of S'REEa.

KJV: And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David
BGV: And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of  - the city of David

KJV: To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
BGV: To be taxed with Mary his mother, expoused wife, being great with child.

Also, the captions have some trouble with one of Gary's random sounds:

Spoiler

After some rhythmic yelling about Jesus' birthday, Gary tells us his title: The Greatest Gift Ever Given. The Greatest Gift Ever Given. And he screams some more about salvation.

He says something about Joshua chapter one, but tries to slide into it from his blabber about the greatest gift, and never says the verse number. So we get:

"The greatest gift that was ever given ah got a few things written down here amanna give ya number one an' then we'll move along raht along but number one the greatest gift uh one thing is the greatest gift that was ever given an' that is have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good kerrige; be not afraid, be the - be not afraid neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whethersoever thou goeth. The number one number one that ah've got raht here, greatest gift is, is that ah have got a gift that God has done everything He's promised, amen?"

Oh, it was verse 9! The KJV, BTW, is: Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

The captions think it's all about posture:

Spoiler

Gary screams his usual list of things Jesus said he would do, that he did, then goes into the "supply every need" routine.

He tells them that the power went out one day at the place where he is staying, but they'd had their showers already, and "that makes the light bill a little bit cheaper when ya ain't got no power goin' on, amen? Sorta puts the light company outta business but He said that He would supplah our every need . . . " And he screams on.

Like you care about your hosts' power bill, Gary.

Mid-scream, Gary is reminded of the 23rd Psalm again, and tries to rattle if off by memory.

"He's gonna be there through the good tahms, He's gonna be there through the bad tahms, He's gonna be there - uh, shadow, we  uh we quote that quite a bit here in th'last few days the Lord is my shepherd I shall not wohn He maketh me t'lah down in green pasture He leadeth me through the still of the - still waters He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me to the path of righteousnesssss. The path of death - ah didn't say it raht did ah?"

Actually, Gary, other than that last part, I think you did better than you do when you're reading it!

For point #2, Gary wants us to go to Psalms 40, real quick-like.

Later, 40.

Edited November 22, 2021 by thoughtful
missing word

[smittykins]

14 hours ago, postscript said:

This is actually pretty common theology, at least in the Lutheran church I was raised in.  I was taught that Jesus spent those three days he was dead in Hell, suffering on behalf of humanity.  Scripture to back it up? You've got me there. 

I know one version of the Apostles’ Creed says “He descended into Hell,” while the one in the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer says, “He descended to the dead.” I’m no Bible scholar, so I don’t know if “Hell” in this instance means “the fiery place of torment” or “the common grave of humanity.”

[thoughtful]

For the harrowing of Hell, Wikipedia sent me to 1 Peter 4:6: For for this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.

That may support the idea that Jesus went to preach to the dead, but not that he went there to suffer the tortures for us, as Gary believes.

Then there's Ephesians 4:9-10: Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth? He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things.

"That He might fill all things" could be what works for Gary.

Continuing the 10/25 service, Gary reads the "Mary Clay" verse of Psalm 40:

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my going

Captions:

Spoiler

He screams out a dramatic tale of being rescued from spiritual quicksand by Jesus. Gary, you didn't make me want to get "saved" - you just made me want to watch The Princess Bride again.

"How 'bout Luke chapter two?"

How about it, Gary?

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

Jesus was Gary's gift.

He yells that he was reading in John, and "when ya get down to verse 14 or 15 down through there, where it say He came unto His own, an' His own received him not."

It's actually verse 11, Gary, but I won't quibble.

"If the Jews hadn'ta turned their back on God we'd may've not've had a chance amen?" (I think - there's a loud motorcycle sound - the police officers leaving, perhaps?). "Ah'm so thankful, hey, ah hate it fer th'sake of what's goin' ohn with 'em, but they turned their back ohn God, an' that was th'reason for me to be able t'have the opportunity to accept Jesus Chri!"

While screaming about his physical and spiritual birthdays (y'know, for the gift theme and all), Gary stumbles and needs to repeat the first syllable of "spiritual." Again, the captions seem to have insight:

Spoiler

Yeah, from your account, it was more fear than spiritual.

At top  volume, we get: "Jesus Christ knew at the foundation of the earth, He knew before the foundation of the earth, that He was gonna be borned, an' He knew that  He was His - Mary was gonna go, an' she was gonna go to the motel, an' she was gonna say 'Ah needa room, ah need a place to be able t'have a birth for Jesus Chrise,' an' it said that when he went when he went when Joseph went an' trahd t'git a room, they said 'There's no room!'"

Quieter: "You know what today? There's no room, there's no room in people's hearts for Jesus today."

Gary, if Jesus existed always, and knew all that was going to happen, I think He'd have known there were not going to be motels yet, because the "mo" in motel is for "motor." Camtels (dromedartels?) or donktels, maybe, but no motels.

Gary says this is the "less attended" meeting he's had since he's been coming down there. But that just means "we're getting closer to the Lord's coming."

You keep telling yourself that, Gary.

Right now, nobody wants Jesus because the government is giving them lots of money.

Gary claims he has "seen this in the past, an' it's gittin' more recent agin" - pictures on Facebook of people holding up signs that say "Going to Hell and Proud of it." I found one picture sort of like that - the last two words were missing. I suspect the person in it doesn't believe Hell exists, and is proud for other reasons.

Gary describes how awful Hell is, and tops it with this dramatic statement: "Ohn the backa mah truck ah gotta thing it says, uh 'Drop - drop, roll an' whatever  . . . won't help. Man, business has picked up in Loris t'night amen! A'm gittin' t'give the gospel t'everybody, amen. Ah don't haveta bring 'em to the tent, just git the boogeyman t'pull 'em over just for the whatev - just for the reason. Amen?"

Perhaps the police are sitting in wait for speeders nearby, and the place people pull over when they're stopped is near the tent. I haven't heard any sirens, though.

That made me look at google maps to find out if they're on a main drag, and look who took the pictures that are there, and what they are:

Spoiler

 

 

I guess Red Bluff Road is the only way from Loris to points south, so it is a good place to lie in wait for speeders.

He misreads most of: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+20%3A24&version=KJV

He lists the things he's already said about The Greatest Gift, then says "What about when you accept that greatest gift an' then you git to go an' tell others?"

After screaming about the joys of proselytizing for a while, Gary rants about people that say they're a friend of a friend and ask to be your friend and you accept them (I assume he means Facebook friend), then ask "Have you heard the good news?" Of course Gary assumes they mean Jesus, and answers them with his salvation spiel.

"An then they'll turn around an' say, 'Nah, ah'm talkin' 'bout somethin' the government's givin' out. Ya say 'Whattaya do?' Ah defriend 'em an' ah say 'Whose profahl did you steal?' 'Cause it's a robot."

Ah, the villain in Gary's world always seems to be the government. It could never be, say . . . someone trying to make a buck off of stupid people?

More screaming about how great it is to shove Jesus at people, and his "preacher friend" who's going to "Uganda, Africa," and how Gary finds people from Africa right here in "the USA of America" to tell about Jesus. Also Indians, and people in Chicago from every country.

He decides, on a whim, to read something from Acts chapter 1. No - 2. No - 1, which is not in his original plan, so it takes him a while to find it.

I shall act on that later.

[Ozlsn]

On 11/22/2021 at 5:10 AM, thoughtful said:

Jesus was in Hell for three days "finishing up the payment."

"So Lou, we've agreed? Four horses, two sheep, a goat and kid, ten camels and $250 in a currency yet to be determined. Oh and a violin. Deal?"

[Hane]

@thoughtful, I’m just dropping in here to thank you for watching and listening to this blather so the rest of us don’t have to. It seems akin to the horrified fascination I had with JRod’s sister’s meandering Good Christian Novel “Serena’s Serenity” and Doug The Monster Wilson’s nauseating screed “Ride, Sally, Ride.” Our brave blow-by-blow coverage of this shizz reminds me of the mid-20th-century Spanish literary term “tremendismo,” which referred to a fascination with violent and agonizing subject matter. 

[Dana723]

22 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He yells that he was reading in John, and "when ya get down to verse 14 or 15 down through there, where it say He came unto His own, an' His own received him not."

It's actually verse 11, Gary, but I won't quibble.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, @thoughtful, but I believe you mentioned before that you were an atheist and I find it absolutely hilarious and wonderful that you know the Bible better than Gary!  😂😂😂

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, Hane said:

It seems akin to the horrified fascination I had with JRod’s sister’s meandering Good Christian Novel “Serena’s Serenity” and Doug The Monster Wilson’s nauseating screed “Ride, Sally, Ride.

Reading through those threads is on my "things I know are interesting and that I should really be reading on FJ instead of refreshing the Jill thread" list! I will get to them.

And tremendismo is a great word.

I think you're right about the horrified fascination (although I'm also listening for humor) - you were looking at two things that you knew would come to an end, but that "What's next? Could it get any worse? I have to know?" feeling has to be the same.

I keep thinking that, at some point, I'll be listening to Gary's messages, just mentally ticking off the "same old same old" box in my mind for an entire hour, and posting "eh, nothing to see in this one."

And then, he does something new that's as bizarre, funny or offensive (sometimes all three!) as anything he's ever done. And he does something like that every few minutes!
 

29 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

Forgive me if I'm wrong, @thoughtful, but I believe you mentioned before that you were an atheist and I find it absolutely hilarious and wonderful that you know the Bible better than Gary!  😂😂😂

I am an atheist - I just could never make myself believe there is anything supernatural.

I'm not sure knowing the Bible better than Gary is very impressive - he reads and re-reads it, but so little seems to sink in.

For religious texts, I do have lots of sources from my past. I grew up in a Conservative (the denomination, not the political philosophy!) Jewish home and went to Hebrew school.

I have sung lots of religious texts in solo and choral works, and do choral conducting, and conducted an Episcopal church choir for about a decade.

And I realized early in my obsession with reading everything that it helps to know the Bible, including the Christian parts, to get certain references in both fiction and non-fiction.

A high school course in the Bible as literature helped with that last realization - the teacher had created a one-semester course, and we had such a great time that she asked the students to help her create a second semester.

But I still have to look a lot up. That's part of the enjoyment for me, so it's not a burden. As someone whose brain is always hopping around and cross-referencing, with a lot of "where do I know that from?" and "am I remembering this right, or am I full of shit?" moments, I've always been a reference-material junky.

Now, having a computer right here on my lap, connected to everything, is just - well  . . .  heavenly! Gary can have his pre-fried swimming catfish and street (singular!) of gold - I want information.

Oh, it's also heavenly to be able to do this when the phrase "I want information" triggers a memory.

[AmazonGrace]

Spoiler

On the evening of 10/25, under the tent at New Life Community Chapel, the video begins with the Hawkinses groaning My Lord's Taking Good Care of Me.

Gary's segue from the song is to declare that we know God's taking care of us because we're still alive. It looks bad when you watch the news, but Gary knows who's in control.

Um, so, all the people who have died up until now didn't have God taking care of them? 

[smittykins]

George Carlin(a former Catholic* turned atheist)was said to know the Bible “backwards and forwards.”

*I once watched a “Biography”-type interview on YouTube, and he mentioned that he had doubts even before making his First Communion.  He talked to the parish priest, who said “You’ll feel different once you receive.”  He didn’t.

Edited November 24, 2021 by smittykins

[AmazonGrace]

I think you probably have a better chance of believing in the Bible if you don't know too much about the Bible.

[Four is Enough]

While I don't believe that the bible is the "breathed word of God", I do allow myself to be inspired by the stories, epistles, psalms, and so on. As a Roman Catholic, I look for the liturgy of the Word, and it's uncanny how often the particular day's readings are a beginning point to deal with whatever I'm dealing with at any time. 

So. Believe it all? Unquestioning? No. Read and reflect? Yes.

[Dana723]

1 hour ago, Four is Enough said:

While I don't believe that the bible is the "breathed word of God", I do allow myself to be inspired by the stories, epistles, psalms, and so on. As a Roman Catholic, I look for the liturgy of the Word, and it's uncanny how often the particular day's readings are a beginning point to deal with whatever I'm dealing with at any time. 

So. Believe it all? Unquestioning? No. Read and reflect? Yes.

I'm a Christian and I do believe the Bible is the Word of God, but I can and have found comfort and advice in many other books as well. 

[thoughtful]

Finishing up the 10/25 service, Gary finally decides he wants to read Acts 1:8.

KJV:  But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
BGV:  But ye shall receive powers after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: that means that you git born agin saved bah the grace a'God you immediately receive the Holy Ghost you remee-ially feel - uh, uh, get filled w'God amen an' then yer duty is t'do this raht here:  and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, Judaea, Samaria, and the othermost parts of the earth.

Gary lists his upcoming itinerary for weeks and weeks, adding "an' ah'm gonna invite people t'church" after he names each place.

Filler, Gary - just filler.

"Go to Uhfizzions chapter two real quick-like."

At least he gave it a first syllable this time.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+2%3A1-7&version=KJV

That strained way he pushes out every word makes it so hard to hear any meaning. Verse seven is especially bad.

KJV: That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.
BGV: That the aid - that in the age to come he might shew his exceedingly riches of his grace in his kindness to-ward us that - Chr - in - that - to-ward us through Christ Jesusss.

"Now how 'bout this gift? The relationship of Jesus Christ?"

Gary screams about his relationship with Jesus Christ for a while, then: "You may remember whenever you was datin' yer woman, yer girlfriend, yer woman, yer wife - now t'be. Y'know what, you wanna, you wanna begin a relatiohship. Well, that's the same thing that happened 22 years down the road you know what? Jesus is sweeter today than He was when ah got saved."

After some more autopreacher (it's like autopilot, only louder) screams, he reminds us that, when he was filled with the spirit of God, he didn's speak in tongues. Ah still spoke like a hillbilly of just lahk ah was. Speakin' in tongues is straight outta the pitsa Hell amen!"

Just having religion is not enough, "because religion'll do this; you'll come, an' then you'll skip. You'll come, an' then you'll skip."

I don't know, Gary, being happy enough to skip after sex sounds pretty good  - oh, wait, you meant attend church one week and not the next - never mind.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+2%3A8-9&version=KJV

Lots of old-timey, repetitive chant-preaching about being saved by grace and not deserving it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+5%3A13&version=KJV

"How 'bout this gift? The gift of knowing where ah'm going."

This is followed by more familiar screamed crap. While ranting about the difference between the inner man (who never sins, now that he's saved) and the outer man (who sins a lot, because "this flesh didn't get saved"), Gary tries his jokelike thing about getting prettier as he gets older, unlike most people, who get uglier.

Silence.

"Some of y'all could have a good tahm laugh once in a whahl, wouldn't hurtcha."

Maybe they need to hear something funny first, Gary.

He starts shrieking about Galatians 6, and gets all tangled up in sowing and reaping: "Be not deceived; God is not mawk! Go home an' read it somtahm - it wouldn't hurt you to read Galatians. Be not deceived - Galatians chapter six - be not deceived; God is not mawk, whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. If ya reap to the flesh you'll sow to the - ah mean sow to yer flesh you'll reap t'yer flesh. If ya sow to the spirit  you'll sow to the fle - ah mean, uh - you'll reap! If ya reap to the spirit you'll sow t' the . . . spirit. Did ah git that raht?"
Becky: "If you sow to the spirit you'll reap to the spirit."
Gary: "If you sow to the spirit you'll reap to the spirit. Ah always mess up - listen, y'all git behahnd this pulpit see what y'all do."

He's such a cranky baby. Gary, the things you accidentally reverse could be a great hook, a way to appear humble and make people pay attention, and - oh, never mind. Be resentful and pissy.

Gary says where he is would be a good place to die, and go join Brother Fox in Heaven (of course he can't be "100 purc'nt sure" but he thinks Fox was saved, by his testimony), then screams about his mansion in Heaven and dying and seeing Jesus and dying and death and demise. At one point he says "people are dahin'" and snaps his fingers over and over, waving his arm in the air.

He tells them to go to Acts 16 and he'll be done, with a snippy comment about how most of them will be glad. He tells them to start in "verses 31," starts to read it, then changes his mind and wants to start in verse 30.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+16%3A30-31&version=KJV

If you don't have that gift, tonight would be a good night to take care of that. People are dying. Everybody needs preaching.

[thoughtful]

The video from 10/26, under the tent at New Life Community Chapel in Loris SC, begins with Jacob as song leader for Down at the Cross . Gary sings, paces, fidgets, shoves his hands in his pockets.

Gary comes up and greets them, then "Well, let's pray for Brother Ernie, he did make it to - uh, New York, hallelujah, pray for the - uh, funeral an' all whatever they gonna do with that within the next coupla days."

He and Becky have an exchange about his microphone not being on, then sounding funny. Then, while flipping through his Bible, he asks prayers for Ernie's wife, who messaged him today and said she still had "the stomach bug, but now she had the . . . ah guess throwin' up or somethin', ah dunno, whatever, but pray for her."

Gary, fully focused you are stupid. But trying to multi-task, you are even more of a disaster. And try to at least sound a teeny bit caring when you ask for prayers for people who are ill or mourning.

There's a feedback screech from the sound system. "Pray for the squealin' amen."

He asks for prayers for Brother Will, who's waiting for word on a job - Gary makes it sound like it's his last chance ever. "Pray for Adrienne, mah . . . third daughter - that raht?"
Becky: "Yes."

Gary describes her chest pains and trip to the hospital again, says they'll have to ask Becky what that big word is, then talks over Becky as she says bronchitis and pleurisy.

Gary talks about Henry Kocinski (without his name, of course). "Bein' kornteened is just - it's different. But after midnight tonight, he's unkornteened. Now, if that was me, after bein' in that house for ten days, ah wouldn't give a flip what tahm it was, ah'd have t'get out an' run around."

Not everyone is a restless mosquito like you, Gary. Also, he wasn't quarantined just in case - he had Covid. He may still not be feeling up to running around.

Remember when Gary kept claiming he'd been "kornteened" when he limited himself to only Walmart, the church and wherever he was staying for a day or two? I guess he actually knows what the word means now.

Gary says he doesn't understand why Henry's quarantine is ended, but his wife and children are still quarantined. We hear a man's voice say "It's political." 🙄

Gary prays. Part of his prayer, as usual, is asking God to "lead, guide and direct, have your will and way." He is so fast and mumbly that the captions have it as:

Spoiler

He announces Matthew 25, claims he's been thinking about this since he got there, and believes it's the Lord's will that he preach it tonight. Then he lets out a bunch of sentence fragments.

 He's glad he never "got into numbers," because it would lead to disappointment. He means numbers of people in church, not the book of the Bible. And he goes on about how even big churches have had a decrease in attendees, a conversation he overheard (eavesdropping, Gary? How very Gary of you) between two people about when they went back to church "after the Covit, blablabla and this that an' th'other."

"Ever'thing's Internet." Soon, the funeral home will be Internet. One preacher preached about this 30 years ago, "or maybe longer than that - drahve-through funeral, gonna be able to look at 'em through the drahve through an' everything but God knows Matthew chapter twenty fahve if ya can yer willin' an' able stan' for th'readin' of the worda God."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+25%3A1-13&version=KJV

Strained through a tight throat, yelled, rushed and meaningless, but mostly correct.

"Now, lookin' at these scriptures, you've got two different kahndsa people. You've got foolish people, an' ahmanna tellya raht now, America is full of foolish people t'day amen? An' then you've got some wahze people, now you've got some people an' ah use that an' just they can come acrost mah mahnd there just for a few minutes we have got people that have got common sense, amen? But the day an' hour we're livin' in, ah'm not sure - heh - what the weigh out would be."

I'm guessing that was supposed to be "weigh out," not "way out" because of what comes next, but also because Gary tips back and forth like a scale:

Spoiler

"Ah believe the foolishness would outweigh the common sense of the wahze people thatchu have today amen? An' it started in the Bahble days it started in the Old Testament an' it started with the New Testament an' now here we are in the 21th cenchry an' we have got foolish people an we've got wahze people, amen? And the - but ah found out over the years of bein' in evangelism, bein' in the ministry, listen, hey, people are gonna prove to you that they are not as wahze as they act they are amen? Ah mean, listen hey, we - we've had allll kindsa things that have happened over the decades, our country has nev - well actually if we look at this far as America wide but we - we - history's repeatin' itself an' things that have happenin' before are turnin 'roun' an' happenin' again today. But tonight, with the help of the Lord, ahwanna preach on, Ready or Not, Here He Comes. Ready or Not, Here He Comes.

Well, I guess he couldn't hold himself to a short, logical segue for this one. It's not actually a new one, either (I know, you're shocked. Just like Louis Renault).

Gary screams about how he knows the Lord's coming, in fragmented word coleslaw. You've heard most of it before, but here's a wild ride:

"Ah went t'the ocean th'other day, ah don't lahk that place, if there was ever a pl - a tah - ah - if it was three foota snow ah might would wanna go. Y'say wha? Ah don't think nobody would be there amen? An' ah'd be foolish t'go there then amen? But ah'm just sayin' listen hey, but eh - nobody - nobody's ashamed. Ahmanna tellya ah seen people down there this tahm, ah'm talkin' about women 60 and 70 years old, NEKKID before the a sight of God."

Captioning program, you little devil you:

Spoiler

Gary, why does their age matter? Do you think they should somehow know better by virtue of age, or is it just that you only want to see young bodies in those bathing suits?

But I digress - Gary has gone right on screaming:

"But ah promise you, it ah had went up to 'em and said - now ahwanna say somethin' t'ya an' an' an' that's OK, ah'm not tryin'a brag ohn mahself, ah'm not be - ah'm not doin' what ah do because ah want people t'say 'Well, that's a crazy nut over there,' ah have no doubt, ah took mah chair, wonna these chairs that ah have, an' ah set it down there with a long sleeve shirt ohn an' a lohng pants ohn ya say wha? Because listen hey, it don't matter where ah'm t, ah am going to see - God's gonna see me, an' ah wanna be raht with God. Amen?"

Amen to what, Gary? You started several thoughts and finished none of them.

But it's nice to know the chair was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and long pants. What did you have on?

Gary says those people on the beach think they're going to Heaven, but "Surprahse, surprahse, surprahse." Uh, oh, Gary - were you quoting Gomer, from that wicked fornicating Andy Griffith Griffin Show?

More later.