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Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People


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Thinking about his further, I guess using self-control is possibly removing God/Jesus from the equation.  If you alone can decide whether or not to do something and how much or often to do it, then it's not God telling you what to do or God setting rules.  Instead of resisting an impulse, the fundies prefer to think God removed something from their path.  Instead of avoiding temptation by self-control, they think God is just telling you that something is bad or forbidden.  Maybe that's why they can't let their children go until they are fully adult.  They have to make sure that the kids have memorized all the God rules and don't think of anything as under their own control.

If true, this is really messed up and explains somewhat how they can't think logically.

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1 hour ago, Xan said:

I get that they're not big into self-control.  They're rather remove all offending materials than have to make distinctions about just how much wine one can drink or whether one can hold hands before marriage and still be pure.

They are taking the easy way. As Saint Augustine wrote:

Quote

Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.

 

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The really odd thing to me is that self-control is listed in the Bible as a "fruit of the Spirit" - although perhaps Gary doesn't understand it since the KJV calls it "temperance".  

I learned that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are the measures of someone being in accord with the Holy Spirit.  In my view, Gary's void of all things spiritual just gets bigger and bigger. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Xan said:

I've never understood this fundie insistence on thinking Jesus drank grape juice.  I get that it's just a legalism to separate the "real Christians" from everyone else but it's lunacy.  The drinking water in those days wasn't particularly sanitary and it made good sense to have wine.  Jesus even turned water into wine.  Every time I hear them protest that he turned water into grape juice, I sigh.  

I'd shrug it off if they weren't also so insistent that they are not interpreting or assuming anything,  and that everything is right there, spelled out clearly, in the KJV text.

Until, of course, interpreting and assuming supports their arguments. Then, saying the word "wine" means grape juice, and the prodigal son was sick of rules is Godly!

On 10/3, Gary also preached at the regular morning service at Calvary Baptist in Avondale, PA.

 The service starts with the pastor leading the singing:

Spoiler

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BTW, here are the demographics of the town (not sure if this source is correct, but others showed roughly the same):

Quote

The 5 largest ethnic groups in Avondale, PA are White (Hispanic) (55.3%), White (Non-Hispanic) (24%), Black or African American (Non-Hispanic) (9.17%), Other (Hispanic) (5.26%), and Asian (Non-Hispanic) (3.2%).

I wish I could say that means that Gary will go over like a lead balloon, but who knows?

So, Gary, are we going to get your racist crap during this visit? Do you "have the guts," as you always say? Or will you say those things not because you are "brave," but because you are clueless, as you are in Arizona, assuming that people just love to hear racist stereotypes about their own group? Or will you be dishonest, and refrain to keep this gig for next year?

I mean, we've heard your racism before, so, to paraphrase what you say about salvation, you're a loser either way!

Pastor Anderson says he met Gary on Facebook, and spouts some of the same stuff Gary does - they need revival, to go out soul-winning, and to believe the Bible, not the news media.

The Hawkinses sing. I fast forward. Gary comes up, and introduces himself again briefly. It's less than a half-hour later than he finished preaching  Sunday School. To be fair, he says something that makes me think more people have showed up for the main service.

He tells them to invite their families, and "we'll preach Jesus to 'em. We'll let them know there's a Hell to shun an' a Heaven to gain!"

OK, captions, is the third time the charm?

Spoiler

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Nope.

He talks about his burden. "America's prob'ly one of the most mission fields there issssss in the whole world as of raht now."

"Mark chapter six. No, ah'm wrong. Matthew chapter six. Sorry 'bout that - gotta learn how t'read mah writin' amen?"

He only blathers briefly about his goals for the revival while they find their place. I think being in a new church makes Gary nervous.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A25-34&version=KJV

He adds words and makes his usual stumbles and errors, including "add one cubit unto his statue." The captions think he says "neither do they spill," rather than spin, about the lilies.

After his usual prayer, the long journey from the reading to the title of the message begins. He starts in a fairly normal tone, but quickly ramps up to stressed yelling and screaming.

"Now, we're lookin' at some tahms here an' we're lookin' at Matthew chapter twenty sss - uh, chapter six, and read down through 25 through 34, an' it's talkin' about let - we not need  t'be worried about what's uhuh now ah wanna say somethin' to ya - lemme say this 'fore ah git started - it's OK t'be concerned. But we shouldn't be worried about what's goin' ohn, amen?

"Y'say 'Wha you say that?' Well, all these things have t'come t'past in order for the Lord Jesus Christ t'come. Now that don't mean we have t'like it, amen, that don't mean that we shouldn't pray for it, 'cause we should, amen! Bur here's what  people have done in the last eighteen months an' even before the pandemic we're not preachin' on th'pandemic we're not preachin' on govermuh, but here's what's happened in their lahftahm we have been programmed t'believe everything except fer God."

"We worry 'bout hey listen  hey we worry 'bout every little thing there is ah mean listen hey, peoples in the hospitals an' ah wanna say, there's a difference in bein' concerned an' bein' worried. That make sense? Listen ah wanna say somethin' to ya, we don't need t'be worried ya say wha? It's not in our hands."

"When somebody gits in an accident, you cannot change that accident, ah mean ah'm sayin' ah ah've had mah chil'ren to git in accidents 'n' been a little concerned an' all those differen' kindsa things, but even with the government an' everything, but people have been brainworshed to b'lieve one thing. An' we have been blayed - blay - uh, uh brainworshed t'b'lieve that an' we worry 'bout everything - you do know worryin's a sin, right, amen? It is a sin t'worry. An' when yer ss - haha an' yer sinnin' before an almighty, just, God."

"Who's in control, you or God? Who's in control, the government or God? Who's in control, the meet - TV meh - media, or God? God's in control, an' all things are in God's hands, an' if we would realahze in these last certain - incert - certain - uncertain days, we'd realahze that God's in control,  God's got this, God's gonna handle thissss, an' we just need to be in His hands, we need t'just be follerin' after Him, we just need t'be seeking after him amen ya say wha? Because ha - we can't do a thing about it. Unless we go t'God."

"An' if God has taken keer of Apostle Paul, an' He took keer of Peter, an' He took  through th'Old Testament an' th'New Testament, an' he took through of those gahs an' those girls an' those people that he took keer of throughout the Bahble an' th'old tahm preachers that have passed ohn that we kin read about today He took keera them, He supplahd their every need are we not - is He not  a'capable a'still doin' it?"

"Just lahk he saved somebody last week, praise the Lord, amen, He's a-capable a'doin' it this week. Just lahk he inkerridged somebody last week, guess what? He's inc - He's capable of doin' that again in this tahm amen. So with the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn - What T'Believe In Uncertain Tahms. What T'Believe In Uncertain Tahms."

Well, I'm exhausted. But Gary goes right on blabbing.

Gary, that all could have been said in 2-3 sentences.

Or you could have just let Bobby McFerrin or Bob Marley handle it.

More later.

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I can admit to watching out for the littlest Hawkins.  Nothing since the announcement.

I watch because I really have concerns for mikaelas husband's disposition.

Also I'm nosy

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Further scholarly argument under Becky's attack on Demon Rum. "'Vine' of the vine," Melissa? and since when are KJV-only people permitted to refer to the original Greek?

 

image.png.1ebac610dcd62b55b55aa2e274bfaabd.png

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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Further scholarly argument under Becky's attack on Demon Rum. "'Vine' of the vine," Melissa? and since when are KJV-only people permitted to refer to the original Greek?

 

image.png.1ebac610dcd62b55b55aa2e274bfaabd.png

Nope, nopety, nope, nope.  "Oinos" means "fermented wine".  Sorry there, Melissa, but you couldn't be more wrong.

Edited by Xan
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Sometimes I read what @thoughtful writes about what Gary says, and I read it out loud to see if it makes any more sense.  It never does.  It does make for some entertaining moments though when my daughter catches me doing it.

Edited by Dana723
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By coincidence, I just watched a Late Show segment joking about this find, and looked it up.

https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/israel-byzantine-wine-factory-scn-scli-intl/index.html

Quote

The world's largest wine factory from the Byzantine period has been uncovered by archaeologists in the Israeli town of Yavne, after a two-year excavation process.

The 1,500-year-old complex was used to produce wine in huge commercial quantities, with the directors of the excavation calculating that around two million liters were marketed every year.

As I said, Gary babbled right on after announcing his theme, What t'Believe in Uncertain Tahms, on 10/3 in Calvary Baptist, Avondale, PA.

"Y'can't believe the news media ya say how long they been lahin' ever since they been on television amen. Amen. 'Sat make sense? Ya cain't believe some preachers an' ah wanna say sumpin' to ya ah am very very listen ah got Facebook because ah got some people who cain't go to church you got yer Zoom ah unnerstand t'some extent. But ah'm gonna tell ya raht now the church house should be more important than the workhouse amen. The church house should be more important than mah house. The church house should be more important than some party amen! The church house is necessary an' it is essential amen!"

Workhouse?

Gary gets lots of support from one male voice, which I'm guessing is the pastor, George Anderson. He answers every question Gary asks (most of which, of course, are either rhetorical or involuntary filler tics), and inserts something supportive (he's a fan of "C'mon, preacher!") whenever Gary takes a breath. As fast as Gary babbles on, I'd say this guy still manages to average one word to every 10 of Gary's. We hear a few other men, and Becky, occasionally and more quietly. So far, I've only heard one "amen" from Jacob.

Gary rants on about uncertain days and not listening to the media, TV preachers, Internet preachers, and some church preachers. He promises that, for the next few services, he will give them the truth of God. He goes back to warning against the media, and adds that Fox News "turned," and that there was another one that told the truth, but then they "turned."

He tells the story about the family in New York that didn't believe in eternal salvation (the congregation says "Ohhh" and "Mmm" in disapproval), and they got in with false prophets, and "now they're sittin' at home watchin Internet church."

God is only OK with your staying home and watching Facebook or Zoom church if you're sick. And "you better be keerful" with technology.

Gary (for the zillionth time): "Am ah makin' sense this mornin'?"
Pastor (I think): "Yes, you are!"

He answers in the affirmative every time Gary asks. The monster is already created, but this guy is making it bigger.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jeremiah+1%3A5&version=KJV

"Ah'm gonna tell ya number one what t'believe in uncertain days - know why you're here."

He goes on to shout about how Jeremiah was chosen by God to predict the coming of Jesus (an idea which would have come as a surprise to Jeremiah and all of his contemporaries, Gary), and now the saved people are the forerunners of the second coming. And he tells them all to go out and witness to their family, at work, "Walmarts" and in the park, because some of them weren't in Sunday school to hear say it then.

He screams about Peter sinking because he got his eyes off of Jesus, and the "first hurricane" upsetting the disciples on the ship until Jesus calmed the storm.

He is only there to represent Jesus and he hopes they see Him, not Gary.

"Lemme move ohn - sommofya gotta go eat food amen. Mark chapter 4 ah know how Baptists are, ah been - ah am one amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+4%3A37-45&version=KJV

KJV: And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full
Bro Gary Version: And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was not full

I was thinking, "Oops, Gary - you got ahead of yourself and made reference to this story already," and Gary realized it as he got to the next verse:

KJV: And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
BGV: And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pilla: and they awake him, and said unto him, Master - here we just said that - Master careth thou not that we perish?

"Not only should we realahze who we are, wha we're here, but we should realahze . . . who . . .  what we should, uh . . . " He stops dead, stares at his steno book for a long time, and finally says, " . . . know what God can do."

Gary completely forgot his next point. I think he may have gotten out of order, going by what he said before he froze up. I don't know if he also got the readings out of order.

But, trouper that he is, he rants on - sometimes God doesn't calm the storm, He's just there with you through it. Then he's on Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego in the fiery furnace, making sure they all know that, when you burn up a human body,

Spoiler

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I won't have nightmares about why Gary knows that,  I won't have nightmares about why Gary knows that, I won't have . . .

We really do need a shudder emoji.

The problem today is a lack of faith.

There's another Gary-related list project; how many things has he cited as "the problem today?"

While ranting about God being able to be with you through a storm, or calm the storm (which the captions want to make the "store," or "story,") Gary gives them his routine about Biden promising no storms. He says that the storms we've had since, including the ice storm in Texas, was God showing him that he didn't have the power he thinks he has.

Yeah, God really showed Joe, didn't He? 🙄 Washington DC and Wilmington DE really suffered from that ice in Texas.

"Go back t'Matthew - ah missed one here - Matthew chapter 3."

Aha! Should I be proud or worried that I can figure out what's going in Gary's brain sometimes?

Edited by thoughtful
fixing formatting
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Think Becky knows what the reference is in this Tupperware ad she posted?

Spoiler

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A still pic of Myrtle Beach - much nicer that Gary's videos full of complaining about how he detests the beach - er, ocean - and telling us what a swell guy he is for taking his wife there.

Spoiler

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Are they in Myrtle Beach now? They’re a little over an hour away from me. I wonder if they’ll be going to Whiteville again.

I was joking with my husband that we should drive down to MB today & play mini golf. Definitely not going now! I just hope they don’t come up to my local beach.

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16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary gets lots of support from one male voice, which I'm guessing is the pastor, George Anderson. He answers every question Gary asks (most of which, of course, are either rhetorical or involuntary filler tics), and inserts something supportive (he's a fan of "C'mon, preacher!") whenever Gary takes a breath. As fast as Gary babbles on, I'd say this guy still manages to average one word to every 10 of Gary's. We hear a few other men, and Becky, occasionally and more quietly. So far, I've only heard one "amen" from Jacob.

Yes, but he's no Aw Lady

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56 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

Yes, but he's no Aw Lady

No one can ever replace Awww Lady - she lives in my heart.

20 hours ago, Dana723 said:

Sometimes I read what @thoughtful writes about what Gary says, and I read it out loud to see if it makes any more sense.  It never does.  It does make for some entertaining moments though when my daughter catches me doing it.

Glad I could help you entertain your daughter! :evil-laugh:

Besides lots of practice, knowing his filler phrases well enough to ignore them, and knowing enough of Gary's repeated riffs that I can sometimes get the gist from only a brief reference or fragmented sentence, I have one other advantage.

When actually listening, I get a lot from his changes in expression and pitch. To convey the rushed and constantly-flowing feeling of it, I have stopped putting in dashes, commas, ellipses or periods unless Gary actually puts in a split-second or longer of silence.

I'm sure that, in print, it probably looks even more meaningless than it sounds. Sometimes I think one long word for every 1-3 minutes of Gary talking would be a more accurate depiction. Something like:

Quote

Y'cain'tbelievesomepreachersan'ahwannasaysumpin'toyaahamveryverylistenahgotFacebookbecauseahgotsomepeoplewhocain'tgotochurchyougotyerZoomahunnerstandt'someextent

But who could read that?

Continuing with Gary's backtracking (not to be confused with backsliding) on 10/3 in Avondale, PA:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+3%3A11&version=KJV

He ends with a hearty "baptahze you with the Holy Ghost, an' with faihhhr."

"Not only should you uh know why you're here, know that God can, but know who it's about."

Oooh, a theme song from my childhood just popped into my head - is it about time, Gary?

Oh, it's about Jesus. Of course.

After some faux-modesty about how Jesus saved and "inkerridged" all those people wherever Gary was, and he was just glad he could be there to help, he starts in on Baptist preachers he thinks sound conceited.

"Ah mean, you la - you watch these videos an' they get up an' ha - listen, tahm they get done they make me think they're thinkin' about that they're somebody. Amen? See, we wanna think we wanna think bad of the governor of New York fer callin' herself God - ah knowed some Baptist preachers that thought they was God. Amen? Listen everything if you look at alla this stuff that they use in this governor worl' an' things that they say, you kin turn it right around an' use it for a short  uh for a short tahm or whatever, you kin use it in the religious world. Ah'm no better than the gov'nor of any state. Ah've just accepted Jesus Christ."

After a zoom-through of the all-about-Jesus-not-Gary crap again, he moos two iterations of "It's Jesuhhhhhhhs!"

"Ya remember whenever John the Baptist believed in his mother's womb?"

The captions:

Spoiler

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After some more familiar gunk, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+18%3A36-42&version=KJV

He reads in his stressed, reading-a-list, over-loud voice, and with lots of minor errors.

"Know who's - who t'turn to."

The comfort that God is always available, even when people aren't, then the threat that you'd better not wait until there's a crisis, follows. No squirting water bottle genies, though - Gary rubs his hankie to represent the genie bottle.

Spoiler

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He screams about how we should have been in touch with God long before "the Covid" came and took our loved ones.

He talks about how one of these days he'll get a phone call he doesn't want to get, and tells them how old his parents and in-laws are (well, what decade, which is not bad, for who-cares-about-other-people Gary), and how God allowed him to take Becky to see her grandmother before she died.

I hope his parents and in-laws don't watch his sermons - nothing's cheerier than hearing yourself mentioned in the context of being the old people he expects to kick off anytime soon.

He says to look for Jesus, not your favorite movie star. "Mattera fact, yer favorite movie star don't even know you exist."

Someone in the congregation yells out such a resentful-sounding "That's right!" that I wonder if there's an autograph refusal or unanswered fan letter in someone's past. 😁

But God/Jesus will always answer prayers, even if you think He's late. He was four days late for "Lazaruth," but He was right on time.

He makes some reference to hurrying up because they are five-minute Baptists, then reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+13%3A11&version=KJV

It's time to wake up.

"It's tahm for us t'quit ahnorin' what's goin' on."

The captions aren't programmed to figure out that "ahnorin'"= ignoring.

Spoiler

image.png.1418d4dda2f8a8fc234822a21be6efa2.png

Pretty good guess.

"It's tahm for us to quit bein' ignorant of the tahms - sahns of the tahms."

Gary pronounces ignorant clearly, despite his pronunciation of ignoring. Go know.

He says there's a "false prophet" on Facebook who says the the Lord hasn't come yet because "people have quit giving." Gary says the man made it clear that he was "on the receiving end."

Unethical and ballsy, true, but it beats hinting about how God always provides, through other people, but all you want is prayers.

"God was never unfaithful to you. God went all the way."

You're getting pretty personal there, Gary.

He runs through the life of Jesus in one sentence, including, of course, the tortures. The captions have some trouble with "cat-o-nine-tails," but they seem to sense that something biblical is in order:

Spoiler

image.png.9bd854f4d1fc27e3d5e2d7eaea4746be.png

Quick - guess the next three words!

He tells them about the woman who sells Tupperware "under" Becky (I guess Gary thinks of a downline like a preacher apprenticeship), who lives in Groton.

"She came an' heard me preach one tahm an' ain't been back since an' that's prob'ly the way most people are, amen."

He explains that the church threw him a surprise party on the last evening of the revival, and that Becky had invited her to church again (if I remember correctly, Gary was after Becky to hound this woman to come to church).

"Now she couldn't come t'church - she dropped her kids off an' left. She couldn't come to the preachi - we had a youth night for a hour an' a half we let the kids have some fun amen ah think kids should have fun fer a little whahl amen. An' then we had church."

With scorn: "An' then they had a birthday party for me and she showed up."

How dare she!

"Now ah wanna say ah got in the flesh a little bit an' ah've asked God t'forgive me."

Whatever he said to her, that I assume he thinks God has put under the blood, he's no nicer now. He goes right on railing against people who don't come to church at every possible opportunity.

"You better not be makin' excuses  - of why you cain't. People say 'Well, ahahahah got a job an' ah have to' you better be very keerful 'cause God give you that job an'  He can take that job."

Ah, the handslapping God of Gary's dreams:

Spoiler

image.png.583117f687ceb421ad81c13e954d153f.png

At an expressionless and very fast pace, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A51-59&version=KJV

"How 'bout this? Know what God's gonna do."

He rattles off his quick run through the life of Jesus again. This time, the captions have some trouble with "made fun of and mocked" (I wonder if Gary will ever realize that's redundant). The caption program may still be haunted by the memory of what Gary said about human bodies in a furnace:

Spoiler

image.png.93ddee2438c7730411c71b84de0bd0db.png

He says he'll take a plane ride with Jesus as the pilot, and does his whole Heaven routine.

While thinking about picking out his heavenly robe, Gary veers off into a story about earthly clothes. He says they stayed in New Jersey earlier this year, with a woman who had  lost her husband a few months back.

"He  had pants that fit me an' mah wahf was only gonna get just a coupla pahr, but she said 'Hey, he's a manna God, ah want him t'have awwwwl mah husband's pants.'"

There is giggling. Don't ask me why.

"Mah goo'ness, ah wish he'da taken some them with him amen."

Lovely, Gary.

And then some people bought him some shirts. And Gary likes those blessings, but the real blessing is that Jesus is coming back.

He reads Hebrews 13:8 - Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.

In these uncertain days, we need to know who God is. Familiar babble follows.

"An' then last of all, an' ah'm done."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+5%3A13&version=KJV

"In these certain days, ya better make sure yer saved."

"The rich man lifted his ah bein' in torment."

Only one eye this time, Gary?

After some predictable blather: "Thank God God is not in this world of uh Black Lahves Matter, He's in the world of all lahves matter."

Loud amens from Jacob and some other voices, and some "That's right."

Gary also scorns people who think only Baptists will be in Heaven. He allows that there may be some Catholics and others who "got saved but never got grounded."

"They ain't gon' have a lot to throw back at Jesus' feet." Or:

Spoiler

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But they'll be in Heaven.

He rattles off the "except ye be reptobate" verse, and the captions make it:

Spoiler

image.png.0e45457d52984c0fafba46648dac5360.png

Be ready - the Lord is soon coming.

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45 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

With scorn: "An' then they had a birthday party for me and she showed up."

To be fair, it's more than I would have done. And probably more than she'll do near Gary again.

46 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Now ah wanna say ah got in the flesh a little bit an' ah've asked God t'forgive me."

Notably failing to mention asking her - the person he offended - for forgiveness. 

47 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary also scorns people who think only Baptists will be in Heaven. He allows that there may be some Catholics and others who "got saved but never got grounded."

... what???  All I can think of is this:

Spoiler

247710372_10158686997370819_9207573981040186207_n.jpg.7d454243f0a22bedc3ce98b93c440ab9.jpg

 

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OK, folks - 10/3 was a Sunday, so there was a third service at Calvary Baptist in Avondale PA.

I skip the Hawkinses' singing. Gary announces Daniel 3, then makes joke-attempts about supper/lunch and finding out that somebody there has frenemies, just like he does.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A13-18&version=KJV

KJV: Then Nebuchadnezzar in his rage and fury commanded to bring Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
Bro Gary Version: Then uh Nebuchadnezzuh in his image - rage and fureness commanded to bring Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

He still says "psalmistry" for psaltery, and puts "the" before each instrument and makes them all plural, but he gets a pretty good version of "dulcimers" to come out.

He compares today's government to Nebuchadnezzar, with false idols and rules that go against God.

S, M & A knew who Jesus Christ was, and knew he was real.

Apparently, the idea that the fourth figure in the furnace was Jesus is not unique to Gary - it's a Christophany proposed by other people in the past, including Jonathan Edwards. But I don't know if anyone else believes the boys knew him as an aspect of God, or worshipped him.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this idea that Jesus always was, and is interchangeable with God, and whether it is mainstream, or just Gary and the KJV crew who picture him with Noah, creating the world, etc.

This is Gary's Is God Real to You message.

He spews old stuff you've all heard before. He's on fire, bellowing, screaming, hacking away at the air, and sometimes throwing in the quavering voice thing.

He reads the verse right before the previous reading:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A12&version=KJV

He screams on about obeying God, not the government, and gets horrified reactions when he tells the story of the church on the reservation that had the police called on them (by members of that church, he now says) for having church.

He's so excited that he says he invited Biden to the revival he had in North Carolina the previous week. No, that was New York, Gary.

When he starts screaming about how people with common sense stay home when they're sick, this comes out:

"It could be a cajun, it could be cages or whatever the word is."

Gary,

Spoiler

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The captions, BTW, do just fine with hearing Gary:

Spoiler

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He re-reads verse 16, then shrieks about standing firm. After a false start, he gets sowing and reaping in the right order.

So, Becky, if you've been working on Gary's pronunciation of dulcimer and the order of sowing and reaping, can you do something about "consoversy" (which he said 3-4 times in this rant), "verses" when naming only one verse, and "reptobate?"

He re-reads verse 17, then yells about knowing God is your God. Gary says he gave up all his rights on July 11, 1999.

We learn one more detail of Gary's salvation - he was on the front pew. Also, the captions don't quite catch "at Open Door Baptist Church on Sandhill Road:"

Spoiler

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"When ah stood up, it was a different change."

As opposed to one of those same changes, I guess.

He re-reads verse 21, and says they knew what God could do. He looks at his steno book, and quietly says "No, that's wrong. They knew  - they knew the consequences. That's what it was. They knew the consequences."

Oops again, Gary.

He gets on his rant about the statues in Mexico, and makes it even more offensive and weird than usual.

"In Mexico, an' ah don't know all this, ah've just heard stories about it, but in Mexico, an' some - sure some of these people in here would know, but in Mexico they have statues of Mary an' people lit'rilly they pour out cement an' people look lit'rilly climb on their knees to go an' worship Mary."

They crawl on wet cement, Gary?

The captions have a bit of trouble with Gary's accenting the first syllable of cement:

Spoiler

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Gives it a whole new meaning, doesn't it? If only Gary had been rubbing a water bottle while saying it.

"Hey, ah heard that some of those Spanish people say that they have been throwed out of their homes and families because they believed in the real God."

Gary goes on about the consequences he's willing to suffer, and says he's not looking forward to having his head chopped off with "a axe or a dull hacksaw amen."

The captions just can't handle all of that violence:

Spoiler

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"What's that book, that martyr book?"

Becky, please put something in Gary's steno book that is simple enough for him to understand and remember the name of the book. Maybe:

Spoiler

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Gary goes on about tortures and persecutions - you've heard it all before.

He re-re-reads "verses 17."

"Not only did He want us to to base stand . . .  know that - know what - know that . . . know He was God, but also they  - wanted Him to . . . not - know . . . what God can do."

He talks about someone in the congregation whose mother is "layin' in the hospital." Gary has no doubt that God could instantly heal her. That doesn't seem to be what He's doing, but He's doing something, because they're taking her off the ventilator.

Oh, that Gary - so sensitive.

While he blathers on about what God can do, including parting the Red Sea and making the sand hard, the captions show they've caught on to the accent:

Spoiler

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Darn - I wanted to see the sand turn into semen.

Then God "drownded the whole Pharoah army." Or:

Spoiler

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He says that some people believe it was not a deep sea, but "a reed sea," with only a few inches of snow. Snow, Gary? where did you get that?

He stumbles through the story of the people he knew in New Mexico who caught "the Covid" and died. But they're healthy now, in Heaven.

He reads "verses 25."

"How 'bout this? They knew where God was."

He tells the story of Mrs. McFadden's death and her husband's injuries, in greater detail than he ever has before. I'll spare you.

He reads "verses 27."

Gary knows God's real because He keeps us safe.

On his way to his usual crap about how God makes Becky make him late to save him from auto accidents, he rambles about their last night in Groton.

"I ain't gonna make the preacher stay up all night. Then we ended up makin' him stay up all night anyway." Deep voice: "In the grocery store too long, amen." Back to his normal voice: "Some of ya may get that later on, amen."

:confusion-shrug:

Then he goes on to the "mah wahf made me late" crap, and claims he's perfect in their marriage, and again "Some of y'all'll get that after a whahl."

Old-time preachers had a strange look, we need to be strange, Paul didn't mean to go to the "beer joints" when he said to be all things to all men.

He tells the story, from years ago, of Becky being unable to breathe on the road, and finding out that her lungs were full of blood clots. Gary got her to the hospital "raht on tahm" because "God kep' her safe." He goes on to interpret all of the good things that happened around that event as God keeping Becky safe.

So, why did you bother with the hospital, Gary?

He reads "verses 28."

"God is real. He's still on the throne. Isaiah's over there, he's gonna put the governor ohn his shoulder."

He winds down with repetitive, familiar blahblahblah.

Gary, this was your Is It Real to You message - you left out the part about your tombstone!

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11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Oooh, a theme song from my childhood just popped into my head - is it about time, Gary?

I’m not old enough to remember this show(I was a newborn when it was on), but I’ve learned that it was common for kids to sing “It’s about time/It’s about space/It’s about time I slapped/to slap your face.”

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11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"I ain't gonna make the preacher stay up all night. Then we ended up makin' him stay up all night anyway." Deep voice: "In the grocery store too long, amen." Back to his normal voice: "Some of ya may get that later on, amen."

I didn't think Gary could be more confusing.  I stand corrected.

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He tells the story, from years ago, of Becky being unable to breathe on the road, and finding out that her lungs were full of blood clots. Gary got her to the hospital "raht on tahm" because "God kep' her safe." He goes on to interpret all of the good things that happened around that event as God keeping Becky safe.

So many questions.  Why did God put clots in her lungs?  I'm glad He kept her safe but if He is all knowing and all powerful, He put her in danger at the beginning of this little saga.

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary goes on about the consequences he's willing to suffer, and says he's not looking forward to having his head chopped off with "a axe or a dull hacksaw amen."

I never get used to Gary and his love of gory martyrdom.  Why is it always a dull hacksaw?  Don't the anti-religious zealots in his imagination ever use good tools?

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On 10/24/2021 at 10:48 AM, FeministShrew said:

Are they in Myrtle Beach now? They’re a little over an hour away from me. I wonder if they’ll be going to Whiteville again.

I was joking with my husband that we should drive down to MB today & play mini golf. Definitely not going now! I just hope they don’t come up to my local beach.

I'd love to be in Myrtle Beach now. We went the week of Labor Day (Garden City, really) and only played mini golf ONCE! It was crazy - we usually play every night. We are going again next Labor Day week.

My pastor is from Whiteville. Somehow he grew up in a church with similar biases as Gary grew up with, but managed to educate himself and is about as liberal as a Baptist pastor can get now. He's moving soon, and I hope we can find a female pastor to replace him. Just to drive the local IFB people nuts. We already have one female pastor on staff. 

Here's the view from the house we rented at the beach! Just south of Myrtle Beach, about a mile past the pier in Garden City.IMG_7352.thumb.jpg.b5ef38c7ba3083198320108e9bbd6113.jpg

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6 hours ago, smittykins said:

I’m not old enough to remember this show(I was a newborn when it was on), but I’ve learned that it was common for kids to sing “It’s about time/It’s about space/It’s about time I slapped/to slap your face.”

The local bullies of my childhood didn't do this one.

3 hours ago, Xan said:
14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"I ain't gonna make the preacher stay up all night. Then we ended up makin' him stay up all night anyway." Deep voice: "In the grocery store too long, amen." Back to his normal voice: "Some of ya may get that later on, amen."

I didn't think Gary could be more confusing.  I stand corrected.

That one left me completely in the dark. All I could even theorize is that, somewhere (maybe just in Gary's mind), "grocery store" is a euphemism for bathroom. But googling (yes, I did!) turned up nothing.

Maybe they were raiding the pastor's refrigerator all night.

Maybe, they actually had the pastor take them grocery shopping late at night! But then, why would it be something Gary considers witty?

3 hours ago, Xan said:

Why is it always a dull hacksaw?  Don't the anti-religious zealots in his imagination ever use good tools?

Only saved, Bible-believing Christians keep their tools in good repair.

 

Spoiler

image.thumb.png.d71a900b4c0d5f3ea7eb5e52681d9081.png

 

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The video from the evening service on 10/4 at Calvary Baptist in Avondale PA starts with Becky singing Preach On.

I don't think I've mentioned yet that a favorite of the man who calls out (who I have been guessing is the pastor, but I don't know) is "Yes!" And sometimes it is a drawn-out "Yaaaaas." He'd fit right in with the Rods.

Gary drones some of his usual stuff - the "supper" vs. "dinner" thing, he's preached at places he doesn't want to go back to (but, of course, this isn't one!), "if God ain't welcome, ah don' wanna be welcome," they took prayer out of school and the 10 commandments out of the courthouse, now people are taking God out of church.

"Fizzions, chapter fahv - ah been ponderin' an' thinkin' all day. Any of ya got anything t'do with associatin' with Facebook, y'know they took it down most of the day."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A20-35&version=KJV

KJV:  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Bro Gary Version:  Wahves, submit yourselves unto your own wahves, as in the Lord an' don' worry, ah'm not preachin' ohn the home an' the husbands tonaht amen.

Yeah, but are you aware that you just said the women are married to one another?

He reads the rest with lots of errors of course, but nothing that funny. He's enjoying long, hissing ssssss sounds.

His trek from the reading to the title is fairly short, and boring (although as nonsensical as usual), so I will cut to the chase. Gary says "Ah'm gohn' tahtle the message ohn What God Wohnts for His Church. What God Wohnts for His Church.

He manages to get in another dig at the governor of NY thinking they are her apostles, then blabbers on about being a child of God, part of the church, part if the body, how important you are if you clean the church commodes.

Gary started in the service of the Lord by cleaning commodes. "Sometahm they kin be fun when they flush, but when they overflow, they can't git fun, it ain't fun, amen?"

Luke chapter 10, real quick-like.

I'll go to Luke chapter 10 when I'm good and ready, Gary.

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The video from the evening service on 10/4 at Calvary Baptist in Avondale PA continues. Gary misreads most of:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+10%3A20&version=KJV

God expects us to get excited. As usual, he tries to compare people's enthusiasm for sports to their enthusiasm for being saved:

"Ah know we're real close to Philly an' you got what is the Phillies team around here? Somebody's gotta know, bein' from Pennsylvania. You probably root for whoever the Phillies are."

This gets a laugh - maybe some people think Gary is being clever (about changing personnel, losing seasons or :confusion-shrug: ), and don't realize that he's probably stumbled on the name of the baseball team by accident, and doesn't even realize he's said it. Guys, if he says 76ers, Flyers, or Eagles, you can think he's trying to be clever. But that's not going to happen.

"Amma tellya raht now, our bodies was made uh t'get excited!" And he shrieks on about getting excited about Calvary.

"You say, 'yeah, butchu gotta realize we're in the northern states.' Honey, ah go to the southern states and ah'm not sure ah kin get a grunt grunt outta Minnie the Baptist down there amen!"

He goes on to imitate the grumpy person who dares God to bless him, plopping himself down in a front pew, self-hugging. The congregation members are hysterical laughing at all of this.

I think sometimes Gary gets less and less reaction as he stays at a church because he repeats himself so much. By the 5th time people have heard the same routine, whether it's supposed to be inspiring or funny, they just don't respond. For now, these people still seem to think he's wonderful, surprising and witty.

Gary screams that they should pray, while still in the car, before they go into church, thus (this one gets the old-fashioned "uh" at the end of some words): "Lorduh, ah'm fixin' to step in foot inside of the house of Goduh, what we use for the churchuh, we gonna come in here, an' we gonna worship you-uh. Ah pray you'll help me not to worry 'bout what's for dinner amen, Ah pray you'll help me not worry 'bout what's goin' ohn at mah next-door neighbor's house, or what's goin' ohn at the race house, or what's goin' ohn at the ball house, but Lord ah'm comin' to churchuh an' ah wanna hear for you-uh, an' ah wanna shout about you-uh an' ah wanna get excited about it, amen!"

Spoiler

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He tells the story of the pastor's daughter (y'know, the one he - er, Jesus - saved) asking him if it was OK for her to shout, because some believe women should be quiet in church. But it comes out:

Spoiler

image.png.dfb5cced2763f02294f954a955c1e17b.png

Yeah, captions - that's what I heard, too.

He imitates her in his super-low, person-being-stupid voice, then shrieks, "Mah God won't you study your Bahble, amen!" He goes on to scream about men, women, boys and girls needing to shout in church.

He tells them to practice yelling in a mirror. He says Becky said something about needing a microphone and he told her that, if she just pretended she was mad at him, the whole town could hear her.

Focusing on a time when he preached in New Jersey, for some reason, he says he picks on his wife ("y'all done figured that out amen"), and "mah wahf goes to the restaurant an' tells the rest of the lies. Some of 'y'all'll get that after a whahl, maybe."

They are already screaming with laughter, so I guess the "y'all'll get that after a while" is automatic, at this point.

He says that when he was preaching, "an' ah said sumpin' about mah wife," Becky claimed "some man was just before fixin' to step up there an' goin' whup me. That'd been a mistake amen? Ah maht've been the Baptist preacher from North Ca'olahna in a New Jersey jail for beatin' somebody up, for no reason, amen!"

They are hysterical. There is loud laughter, and the sighs of people who need to take a breath because their sides hurt from laughing. He is going over big. Boffo! A smash!

"Church should be fun, amen?"

He announces John chapter four, "verses 4."

KJV: And he must needs go through Samaria.
BGV: An' here's what Jesus said - an' ah must needs go through Samaria.

Jesus expects us to have an appointment.

He starts his usual spiel about going out door-knocking, then takes a detour, about some unnamed woman: "Listen, hey, evidently she went back there earlier tonaht, 'bout skeered us t'death amen, come in an' then left, bless God lahk she some kind of the ghost of the church or somethin' amen. Ah'm gittin' on outta here before it's all over amen? But she was back there at the tract rack."

Or:

Spoiler

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image.png.734d6eed6687370d19a94a6ebfee3574.png

"Ah think the preacher's pretty Godly, he took us t'the Chahnese restauarant, amen."

And, of course, the pastor had to bring some Chinese tracts, because "listen hey it ain't just the American people. Ah think he's even got some Spanish ones back there, praise the Lord, amen?"

He talks about the pastor he knows in Chicago who has tracts for every nationality. "He can set and talk to someone who is from, like Telebon, an' he can tell you exactly what part they was from."

Gary, "Telebon" is a World of Warcraft character. Taliban, which I assume you meant, is not a place. I guess "Telebon" is now Weenese for "from some place I've never heard of, that isn't Chinese or Spanish."

Gary doesn't wear a tie when he goes door-knocking, because he doesn't want people to think he's a Jehovah's Witness. "Ah'm from God's church, amen? Not from some - uh uh listen hey ah'm really the Jehovah - ah'm really the witness for the Jehovah, amen? Because ah serve the real Jehovah."

After a lot of the usual crap about annoying people for Jesus everywhere you go, Gary announces "Fizzions, chapter four."

See you there later.

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@thoughtful, Gary’s mention of “Fizzions” reminds me of the time I told my three-year-old grandson that a frog wasn’t a reptile but an amphibian, a term he’d never heard before. He frowned and said, “Why’s a frog gotta be a fibby?”

Oh, and your Gary play-by-plays have become my new FJ go-to destination!

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The video from the evening service on 10/4 at Calvary Baptist in Avondale PA continues. with Ephesians 4:3.

KJV: Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
BGV: Enduring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bonds of peace.

Gary does his "we won't all agree on every little thing, but as long as we got the doctrines right" spiel, and the bit about preachers only repeating themselves because the people need to "get right" so the preacher can move on to a new subject.

"Listen, we gotta work together. Ah have never in alllllll . . . mah days . . . listen, Joe Bahden is divahdin' our country. "

Lots of "yes" answsers to this.

"But we gon' turn it aroun' in the religious re'm." I believe that's Weenese for "we divide ourselves, as well." Then he does his impression (low, stupid-person voice, of course) of preachers picking on one another, and runs through his "grow up," "paceefiers," adults need the messages in the children's songs, and support your pastor stuff (the last includes a "you just SHUT UP until it's your turn," and an animal growl).

As long as the man of God is getting his doctrines right, and being Biblical, "you have no rights to leave the church."

The pastor (?) yells out "That's right!"

So much for those religious rights Gary is always on about.

Gary says he's going down the next day to teach students at a college - with the pastor, I guess.

He does a brief version of his riff about what's wrong with young Bible college graduates, then yells some more about unity and the devil being real and able to do anything.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Other than adding an automatic "and" at the beginning, Gary does OK reading this one.

God wants his church to be thankful. Gary re-tells the story of the free pants and shirts. He says he tries to be thankful because "ah'm not worthy."

Gary, I don't feel particularly unworthy, and I don't have to try to be thankful when people do something nice for me. I just am thankful.

I guess I'm missing the whole saved sinner part of the equation.

While doing his usual crap about how he never stopped during the pandemic, he says a pastor asked him if he wanted to cancel a meeting, he answered, "ah'm already here, ah'm game! We had th'meetin'."

The captions:

Spoiler

image.png.4ba2cdfc8d52c8e54684bfafdfdb633d.png

One of the things that Gary was thankful for, as he traveled around during the pandemic is that he "didn't catch the mess." Then he screams about how much he hates it, for the people who have died, been on ventilators, are still ill after months. "But ah'm glad God - it it just overflowed me."

Yes, Gary thinks that God protected him from Covid. Does He not love all of the people who got it, Gary? How do you account for them? Some of them, as you would say, according to their testimonies, were saved, praying, holy-living Christians.

Gary announces Hebrews chapter 10, never says the verse, but it's this:

Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.

The usual crap about going to church whenever the church is open follows.

A guy on Facebook is "whatcha call not local church." That's bad, according to Gary. Gary's "local church."

Yeah, Gary's "local church" like the guys in these two songs are faithful to one woman. Gary is only in his "local church" for a few services a year.

Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

Diligently comes out "diligilly." but not too bad, otherwise.

Gpd wants people to have faith. He does some of this "God will provide" crap, and singles out "Dave," whose mother is in the hospital, again. Gary talks about seeing his mother in a hospital 15 years ago and "ah walk in the room, an' all ah seen was death."

He left the room because he couldn't handle it, prayed, and God intervened. Again, Gary, why bother with the hospital if God can just do all of the work?

Ranting about the potential food shortage, Gary says he's not worried, because "mah wahf's too good of a cook."

Captions:

Spoiler

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The captions also think his next "Am ah makin' sense?" is "My magazines."

"First Peter, chapter fahve."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+peter+5%3A1-5&version=KJV

"Filhy luger" and lots of other misreadings.

God expects Godly living from His church.

Gary pastored, briefly, and he never expected his flock to do anything he didn't do.

He uses the fact that he's "got Indian friends" out in New Mexico to claim "ah kin say this," and uses the expression "too many chiefs and not enough Indians."

Well, it's not as bad as "Indian giver," but it is a phrase that needs to be replaced. I rather like "too many captains, not enough crew," myself.

Oh, and Gary, knowing people of a particular ethnicity or background isn't carte blanche to use insulting language about them.

Gary makes reference to the person he is supposed to see the next day (at the college, I assume) as Brother Miller. He says Miller said they were once Facebook friends, but Gary didn't remember that, and "somebody deleted - ah have no idear. If ah did it ah don't remember it."

I wonder if it's this guy. I didn't find any other faculty members named Miller at nearby Bible colleges.

https://www.lbc.edu/about/our-staff/kurt-miller/

Gary allows that this guy sounds "solid," but launches into his anti-college shit anyway.

Gary says that he wants to lead, and teach others how to do God's work. Obligatory it's-not-me-it's-Jesus, of course.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+peter+3%3A18&version=KJV

We need to grow, spiritually. A love song to the KJV follows.

"An' in the day an' hour we're livin' in, ah know gahs that git their messages offa the Internet. Ah'm very ah'm very skeptic mahself of even usin' computer somewhat to an extent."

Captions on that last bit:

Spoiler

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He brings up his beloved Oliver B. Green, and the captions have some fun.

Spoiler

 

image.png.7b98ca145c656033fc2a0f594d2f6126.png

image.png.eeea5ea5acaf9400fb72fbb5fe81e8c6.png

After some more blather, he tells them that, if they've been saved for more than five years, they need to throw out their bottle and pacifier (captions say "fancy fire"), grow up, and "quit bein' a little bitty baby."

He talks in a high-pitched baby voice, imitating the weak church members in his mind, I guess, begging someone not to give up on them. Then he roars "BAH!" and "Quit complainin'," goes back to low-voice mockery for a while, and yells one more "Grow up!"

Then he mumbles and burbles to the end, including saying that he hardly ever goes on vacation, but, when he does, he goes to church.

Then he says "Ya say wha?" and never answers it - he just goes right into his after-message prayer.

Edited by thoughtful
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9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

They are hysterical. There is loud laughter, and the sighs of people who need to take a breath because their sides hurt from laughing. He is going over big. Boffo! A smash!

Maybe there was a gas leak?  :confusion-shrug:

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October 5, still at Calvary Baptist in Avondale, PA - Gary is already up to his first reading when the video starts, and someone is amenning whatever deep insights he just gave them.

He announces Joshua chapter 24, then "Ah was thinkin' 'bout this the other day, and the Lord didn't let me preach it. So mebbe He's gohn' let me do it tonaht amen?"

If Gary is not just lying outright, I have to wonder how the sensation of the Lord letting him or not letting him do something feels.

He goes off on a rabbit trail (as Becky would say) of how we don't get enough church these days for a while. Not everyone is addicted to daily church like you are, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A12-17&version=KJV

This is read with lots of stumbling, added words, plurals where there are none, and other errors, in that stressed, reading-a-list voice.

KJV: And the people answered and said, God forbid that we should forsake the Lord, to serve other gods;
Bro Gary Version: And the Lord answered and said, forbid - God forbid that we should forsake the Lord, to serve other gods;

KJV: For the Lord our God, he it is that brought us up and our fathers out of the land of Egypt
BGV: For the Lord our God, he is it that - he is it - he is -  he it is that brought us up and our fathers out of the land of Egypt

The journey from the reading to the title is short this time, but still very Garyesque.

"Now if you've been in church any length of tahm, you know anything about church, Joshua's fixin' to come off the scene amen, an' he's talkin' to the Israelites an' he's tellin' 'em some things that they should do, an' ah got t'thinkin', what would be a good tahtle for a part of uh uh Joshua chapter 24 an' ah got t'thinkin' an' ah even thought about this the other day: Let's Make Up Our Mahnds. Let's Make Up Our Mahnds.

The captions seem to be picturing something other than ancient Israelites:

Spoiler

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I think the captioning program got stoned so it could survive Gary's messages.

While rattling on about making up your mind about who you are going to serve, Gary briefly mentions his visit to the college: "Ah didn't say this to the people up here today. There's lots of things that ah could say to a lot of people an' everything, but listen hey if you're gonna be in the ministry, you better make up yer mahnd now, 'cause next week's gonna be too late. When ya finish yer semester, it's gonna be too late, amen?"

Did they let him address the students? :shock:

And why is next week or the end of the semester going to be too late, Gary? About 5 seconds after that "it'll be too late" crap, he says "no matter what your age is, it ain't too late t'make yer mahnd up." How about if you make up your mind about how you think God's timing works, Gary?

Then he's back to it needing to be now, because, of course, the world could end at any minute. Well, at least that's consistent with his usual.

Then comes his crap about people who died recently, and how he won't say that word because it sounds like "cussin'" so he says the "dead man" section of the newspaper. "Troublin' tahms," "per'lous tahms," he hopes they were saved.

This is not a new message, Gary, title notwithstanding. Anybody surprised?

After lots of yelling about the usual, he jokes that the pastor told him the drive was easier today because "he got to talk t'me insteada Jesus," and that now the pastor has learned that whatever he says to Gary could get used in church.

"Hey, we need a stirrin' in our churches like it's never been before." The captions:

Spoiler

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A6-7&version=KJV

KJV: And I brought your fathers out of Egypt: and ye came unto the sea; and the Egyptians pursued after your fathers with chariots and horsemen unto the Red sea.
BGV: An' ah brought you - an' ah brought your fathers out of Egypt an' ye. Came unto the sea an' the; an' the Egyptians pursued after your father with chariots and horsemen and the Red sea.

"Amma say number one whatchu need t'make up yer mahnd is is realahzin' who brought you through where yer at today. If is wasn't fer Jesus Chrast we wouldn't be where we at today."

There was an accident on the other side of the road when he and the pastor were coming back from the college, and, of course, Gary thought what he always thinks when he sees an accident - God protected him from it.

Tough luck for the people who were in the accident, huh, Gary?

He rolls into a "huh"-laden old-timey-preacher rant about how he liked the world's music before he was saved, and now loves the old hymns, with the usual shouting of lyrics, and a super-high-pitched shriek on "NOTHin' but the blood of Jesus," which he screams twice.

A bunch of the congregants orgasm with him, there is a moment of quiet, then Gary gets on the "Footprints" thing. He throws in "preacher's already been down there two tahms amen, thinkin' 'bout goin' again hallelujah, ah'm glad it's his paycheck, an' not mahn amen." I guess this was in the context of things that make preachers tired. :confusion-shrug: Then he's  off on a quaky-voice rant about Jesus carrying everybody, with fragments of the 23rd Psalm thrown in.

Gary's messages sometimes remind me of the Maxwell's clean-the-fridge cooking, Lori's salads, and Jill's . . . well, everything. It's the verbal version of "hey, here's some more stuff I can throw in. Sure, why not?"

A screamfest with both quaky voice and "uh" endings follows, all about how Gary doesn't want to be the center of attention, and does all of that traveling just so Jesus can be seen.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A10-11&version=KJV

KJV: the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Girgashites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites; and I delivered them into your hand.
BGV: the Amorites, an' the Persisites, an' the Canaanites, an' the Hattites, an' the Ergashites an' the Hattites man ah'm glad ah ain't wonna them kinda sites amen, an' delivered them into your hands.

There is hysterical giggling at Gary's rapier wit.

I'm disappointed that we didn't get to hear what he'd make of Jebusites. It seems, in Gary's ancient world, there were no Hittites or Hivites, only two tribes with tight hats.

The theme for this section seems to be "remember who the battle belongs to." Don't bother trying to fight your battles, let Jesus do it.

He screams his version of the David and Goliath story, with Goliath calling David "you little punk," and God pushing Goliath forward even though the rock hit him in the forehead.

This time, David says "you come to me with sheaths, and you come to me with this an' that an' the other." Way to take no chances at getting the wrong words, Gary (although, someone still needs to explain to you that the sheaths are not the scary part of a sword and sheath combo). The captions have a whole other idea about Goliath's weapons:

Spoiler

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  "The battle's not mahn."

I think the captions are just teasing Gary now:

Spoiler

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He attempts verse 13.

KJV: And I have given you a land for which ye did not labour, and cities which ye built not, and ye dwell in them; of the vineyards and oliveyards which ye planted not do ye eat.
BGV: An' ah've given you a lan'. For which ye did not labour, and a city which ye  did not build - which ye built not, and ye duwell in them; for the vineyards and th'olives which ye did plant. Not. Do you eat.

"What about a gift that God gives?"

"Ah got a van somewhere around here. Ah didn't work for it. God give it t'me. Y'say wha? Ah trah mah best t'be faithful to Him."

And he goes on about various things people have given him, but it was really God.

The captions think someone's "amen" was "madness." Also, Gary's usual "ah deserve to be in Hell with mah back broke" becomes:

Spoiler

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He screams about the security of his eternal salvation. "Ah don't got a Indian God, an' he don't take stuff an' give it back amen!"

They yell amen and "That's right!" at him, as if that actually made sense. Do any of these shitheads actually listen, or is it all about the yelling?

Rhetorical question.

Becky probably noticed, and pointed out to him, later, that he got it backwards. Gotta get those digs in - er, be a helpmate in the ministry.

And, as if the first racial slur wasn't enough, he gestures to the camera and says "If any of mah Indian friends're watchin', hallelujah ah'm glad He ain't no Indian giver, amen."

"Look in verses 14."

I will, when my blood pressure subsides.

  

 

Edited by thoughtful
removing extra picture
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