Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People

[Hane]

All of these enthusiastic responses to Gary’s most ridiculous comments remind me of a night back in the early ‘80s when I was up late sewing and I had the TV on for background noise. There wasn’t much choice in late-night TV back then, and a telecast of an evangelical preacher came on.

When he said thoughtful things that actually made sense, the congregation just sat quietly and nodded. When he bellowed out nonsense, they lost their freaking minds and hollered out sobbing hallelujahs. (Example: He announced that he had never tasted alcohol in his life—and hadn’t tasted poison either, for the same reason! When I mentioned this to the ex, he said, “He’s gonna have a rude awakening when he finds out what’s in cough syrup.”)

[thoughtful]

Continuing October 5, at Calvary Baptist in Avondale, PA with the theme of Let's Make Up Our Minds.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A14&version=KJV

"Ah'll tellya another thing we ought t'do. Makin' our mahnds up sincerely."

As far as I can tell from what he screams afterwards, that means to go out and bother everybody about God and Jesus. He goes back and forth between telling them to be sincere and to be serious, and I have no idea if he knows the difference.

Gary, I just did a parody of Sincere from Bye Bye Birdie for Jill - I'm not doing one for you.

After several minutes of the usual (including the stale Pharisees and Sadducees "jokes," for no reason), Gary suddenly asks:

"Anybody ever played - the chess?"

He explains that someone gave Jacob a "chess game," and now Gary either has to learn how to play or "be a loser th'rest of mah lahf."

He re-reads verse 15.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A15&version=KJV

Gary screams about how he'll continue serving God, no matter what his seven children do, even if his wife leaves him, no matter how many other preachers and deacons quit.

"It's very easily, with what's goin' ohn in our country, it's very easily t'git our ahs off Jesus."

The media and the government are trying to take your eyes off of Jesus.

Really? I thought the media were trying to run their businesses, and the government (well, most of the Democrats, anyway) were trying to govern. Silly me.

Spoiler

Gary claims that Jacob asked him "the other day, 'Daddy, what keeps you going?' Number one - Jesus, Number two is mah critics."

After more of the same old same old, he read (re-reads? I've lost track) verse 22.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A22&version=KJV

"Guess what?" He swigs from his water bottle. "If you've chosen that, then witness."

More and more about witnessing to everyone, everywhere.

"Ah'm an ambassador. Does ever'body know what an ambassador it? An ambassador is something that you are representing."

"If somebody's cussin', you sorta correct 'em lahk, very . . . gently-like amen."

I knew this was coming, but it's still so amazingly, totally Gary. He actually re-tells the story about the couple in Aldi, and this time, since he just told his listeners to be gentle, he now claims he looked at the man and said (he says this softy and politely), "'Sir, ah wanna tellya somethin'. Mah God don't have a last name and ah'd rather you didn't say that agin.' He got a little bit upset and walked - stormed outta the store, but hey - at least ah didn't have to hear that word again."

Gary, the last time you told that story, you bellowed "SHUT UP!" at him, and he left the store weeping, another time, store employees had to evict him. Not to mention all of the other details that keep changing - this time he said the couple was walking around together, rather than him chasing her.

"We gotta make up our mahnds in these days. Listen hey, Terriblin' days, rough days, per'lous tahm days, it's not easy!"

Not sure if that "terriblin'" was supposed to be "terrible" or "troublin'" or some of each. But the captions  say:

Spoiler

Hey, that "prayerless" instead of "perilous" works, Gary - you should use it!

The anti-TV rant follows. Gary says Americans have become "brain dead" from television.

Spoiler

He speaks admiringly of the Amish people he saw in New York and Pennsylvania who walked right into stores that had signs up saying customers must wear masks, because they didn't know about Covid, because they don't have televisions.

"They didn't have some kinda Internet t'tell them to fear the government and forget about God, amen!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A23&version=KJV

You need to make up your mind about "gittin' ridda these sins."

God is God and Donald Trump is president. Gary will wear his Trump 2024 hat until he dies or gets one for 2028.

What that has to do with sins, I have no idea.

Oh, that was just a detour. I should have known - his point is that what's wrong with America is not due to Biden or Trump - it's because of sin. God won't bless America, and you shouldn't ask Him to, because sin.

They get quiet, other than the voice I think is the pastor's, and Gary does his "don't dah ohn me, ah'll believe yer guilty, an' ah'll just dig in here an' preach a whahl."

Then comes John the Baptist, Carl Lackey, naming the sin and the sinner, mocking them for thinking they're better then he is, with halos (why does he think that's effective?), as well as lots of stuff we've heard many times.

"Lookit verses 18."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A18&version=KJV

Make sure He is your god. Some people think they are God's people, but they are not.

"Jehovah's Witness believe you go to - if you're a bad person, you go to the grave, then, after a whahl, somebody just come over there an' rub yer tombstone an' then you go to Heaven."

Where did he get that?

He blahblahblahs old stuff, then calls Becky to the piano and asks them to stand with heads bowed and eyes closed.

[Xan]

Frequently when you come across the "Y'say wha", @thoughtful, I think to myself, "Nobody asked you anything, Gary.  People who like you, Gary, don't need anything but the yelling and people who don't like you wouldn't bother asking you a question."

I'm aware that I read too many Gary threads when I start having imaginary arguments with him in my head.  As I've mentioned before, he reminds me of my late father-in-law who was as hateful and useless a man as I've ever met.  He wouldn't work a regular job either.  Gary would have loved him.

[Joyster]

I watched the first five minutes of Gary's preaching tonight.  He requested for prayer for his daughter A...(he says the name; I just want to respect her privacy) who was doing a little better.  I went back and listened to the past two night's prayer requests.  On the 26th, he requests prayer for his third daughter (he looks to Becky and asks if that's right--she must agree) A...  She went to the hospital Saturday night with chest pains.  It's not blood clots, but it's a big word he needs Becky's help with.  Bronchitis.  He asks Becky if she heard from her today.  

While bronchitis isn't fun, I'm glad it's not something more serious, and she's getting treatment .  I'm also glad Becky's kids have a real dad that appear to love them unconditionally and doesn't preach hatred.

[smittykins]

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Then comes his crap about people who died recently, and how he won't say that word because it sounds like "cussin'" so he says the "dead man" section of the newspaper. "

Me:  “Huh?  What ‘sounds like cussin’ about ‘obituary’?”

💡 

Me: “Ohhhhh…” 

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Xan said:

As I've mentioned before, he reminds me of my late father-in-law who was as hateful and useless a man as I've ever met.  He wouldn't work a regular job either.  Gary would have loved him.

Only if he was a fellow preacher - Gary disdains people who don't work, if he is expecting money from them. Members of the churches he visits had better be employed, so they can give him cars and food and shirts and . . .

Apparently, God is good, He supplies your every need, but, for some reason, He can't seem to work alone.

43 minutes ago, smittykins said:

Me:  “Huh?  What ‘sounds like cussin’ about ‘obituary’?”

💡

Me: “Ohhhhh…” 

Of course, even if you think of it as "Oh, bitch, you wary?" it's not necessary cursing. I've thought it when one of my female dogs looked worried.

😁

9 hours ago, Joyster said:

On the 26th, he requests prayer for his third daughter (he looks to Becky and asks if that's right--she must agree) A... 

"Ah have seven children . . . " but can't remember who TF most of them are.

Thanks for letting us know. I really need to catch up, but I don't think Gary has skipped a day in weeks!

[thoughtful]

On October 6, Gary's last evening at Calvary Baptist in Avondale PA, he does his thank-yous, including a thank-you for "checkin' out mah van." So, once again, he needed help with the van.

"Now, yer pastor, the only thing about your pastor is, he keeps ohn beggin' me to use him for illustration. So tonaht ah wanna do every bitta that amen?"

They laugh. I assume the very loud cackle is the pastor.

He announces 2 Corinthians 8, then says their pastor has been using a phrase all week that has gotten Gary thinking, and he hopes God will allow him to give this message. He blathers about keeping on, not quitting, missionaries, imagining how they will fellowship in Heaven (he says there will be no sickness, and loudly barks "COVid ain't goin' with me, bless God, amen!"), then finally asks them to stand for the reading.

Wait - not yet! He distracts himself by saying that, after the service, they can "go do what  ah found out most Baptists do best - go eat, amen. Ah have had mah Philly, an' ah will say, where's that place  we went to today?"
Pator(?): "Delco Original."

Gary needs it repeated, and then says, "If you want a Philly there, listen hey that's enough to feed two or three armies, amen. Bahble says in uh second Corinthians . . ."

Oh, I guess he's going to read from the Bible now. But, before I listen to that, I must tell you, Gary, that unless you ate (or had sex with) a member of the baseball team, you did not "have" a Philly. Did you mean a cheese steak?

Because, if you did, that's what everyone around you was probably calling it (although I grant some might have said it was a Philly cheese steak), including the menu. People who like deep dish pizza don't just call it "a Chicago" - the word "pizza" has to be in there somewhere.

Maybe Gary thinks everything is named like his favorite food; "Chinese," to him, doesn't mean a nationality - just the food. Adjectives, nouns, whatever.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+8%3A1-10&version=KJV

Among his many errors, as he reads in that stressed, list-reading, meaningless voice, were these doozies:

KJV: How that in a great trial of affliction the abundance of their joy and their deep poverty abounded unto the riches of their liberality.
BGV: How that is a great traahl of affliction the abundance. Of their joy and their deep proverdy abounded unto the riches of their libertarian.

KJV: I speak not by commandment, but by occasion of the forwardness of others, and to prove the sincerity of your love.
BGV: I speak not as my commandment, but by accusation of the forwardness of others, and to proof the sinceerity of your love.

KJV: For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might be rich.
BGV: For ye know not the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was yet rich, for your sake he became poor, that ye through his proberdy might be rich.

Gary's hybrid of "poverty" and "property" seems very appropriate for him.

Oh, and the captions may have been giving away Gary's true thoughts. He actually read this pretty accurately: the will of God: Insomuch that we desired Titus, that as he had begun:

Spoiler

His trip to the title is very short - he re-reads verse six, then says "With the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn: Just Finish. Whatever it is you started, just finish.

I will, Gary - later.

[postscript]

Gary playing chess? A game that requires strategy and the ability to think ahead? Hahahaha. The mind boggles at the image. 

He’ll continue to wear his Trump hat? OK, Gary, you do you. But what happens if Trump dies? He’s not exactly a young man. Does Gary assume he’s immortal? Or will Gary continue to wear the hat assuming one of the Trump kids will pick up the banner? Somehow, I don’t see Gary getting behind Ivanka - she wears immodest clothing by his standards, she married an Orthodox Jew and converted herself, and, worst of all, she’s a woman. 

[Joyster]

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I really need to catch up, but I don't think Gary has skipped a day in weeks!

Ha!  I don't think you will. He's relentless. The tent service he's at now is 15 nights long!  It ends on Sunday.  I watched the prayer requests portion of his preaching again tonight, and here's my public service announcement: After Sunday night, Gary will be headed towards gigs in Indiana, Michigan, and West Virginia.  Then he's heading home for Thanksgiving and after that he's back in Conway, North Carolina.  If you live in these areas and see someone that looks like Gary approaching you spewing about God's wrath for sinners like you, immediately take cover and contact FJ.

I find I like watching the first five minutes and waiting for your summary and commentary.  I think tonight's episode will be a great one when you get to it.

[Dana723]

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary disdains people who don't work

Mr. Pot?  A man named Kettle would like to speak to you.

[thoughtful]

20 minutes ago, Joyster said:

The tent service he's at now is 15 nights long!

18 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary disdains people who don't work

Mr. Pot?  A man named Kettle would like to speak to you.

Really - isn't that just the most amazing thing? He quotes these two verses pretty often, although I don't think he's ever used them as one of the official readings in a message:

2 Thessalonians 3:10 -  For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.

1 Timothy 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

He has very few brains, but big brass balls.

[thoughtful]

Continuing On October 6, at Calvary Baptist in Avondale PA, Gary launches into his Just Finish message. He hasn't yet said what phrase it was that the pastor kept repeating that inspired this message - maybe it was simply "Just Finish."

Spoiler

We're in the last days - did you know that?

Gary babbles about Oliver B. Green, saying his name three times. The captions have some issues with it.

Spoiler

Well, it isn't easy . . .

Green started off right and finished right.

"Lester Roloff started out right. He finished wrong amen, ah mean raht, amen?"

The captions get another crack at OBG's name when Gary says "Ah wanna say sumpin' to you - If Oliver B. Green can, an' Lester Roloff can, an' Apostle Paul that ah preached about at the college yesterday can, so can you!"

Spoiler

More crap we've heard dozens of times follows.

"Ah'm sure there's some things in here that God's dealin' with yer heart about. Why'ncha quit uh, quit, uh uh uh uh  - what's that word ah'm lookin' for, Becky? Puttin' it off."
Becky: "Procrastinating."
Gary: "Pro-crastinating. Ah said that word ohn Sunday, ah cain't say it again.  'Bout once a year ah can say that word amen."

He screams at them to support their pastor and go out soulwinning, including a harangue that he claims God told him to say. "Ah just believe in bein' obedient t'the holy spirita God, is that OK?"

The captions usually show Gary's diaphragm-supported "HAYMEN!" bellows as "Hey, Mike!" Every now and then, one is "High five!"

"Is ever'body alraht? Go to Matthew chapter 25. Ya got a year t'get over how mad ya are, amen."

He gives them some more guilt, then says "If it hurts your feelings, guess what? God said it, not Gary."

It never seems to occur to Gary that the silences he gets after ranting at the same crowd night after night may not be due to people being sullen about not wanting to go out soulwinning or having their sins called out - they might just be sick of hearing the same yammering over and over.

They might be out there thinking "We screamed back at you joyfully about that 20 times two nights ago, 26 times last night, and 12 times tonight, and we're not even halfway through the service! We're down to jotting 'Save souls' in our day planners and giving you a little nod, at this point. We've got it."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+25%3A21&version=KJV

Only eight or nine errors.

To finish well, be faithful to God and church. You've heard it all - I won't even summarize.

Gary gets pissy about his lack of responses, so he spews the usual begging and nasty comments, plus "Is anybody gittin' anything?" as if his preaching was radio reception or a shared joint.

The pastor (again, I'm assuming that's who that voice is) still adores him. When Gary asks (over and over) "Am ah makin' sense?", he has taken to answering, "Yes, you're making perfect sense."

We find out (I think - things are always a bit unclear with Gary) that the preacher's oft-repeated phrase is "Finish well."

As Gary yells and karate-chops into the congregation, a baby starts to cry.

While yelling about not quitting the work of God, Gary is reminded of how people retire from work when they get to 65. "See, you git it, you work yer job, an' ya git 65 years old, which ah'm gonna tell ya somethin', don't let - any of ya that's less than 65, don't be lookin' fer yer sosha curity - they're tryin'a take it. Ah heard somethin' else ohn that stinkin' stim'lis check but ah'm not gonna go there today. It's makin' me sick. HAYMEN!"

Gary, you clueless turd, you don't have the faintest idea what it feels like to have a career, or work in a family business, in a factory, on a farm, or anywhere else, for 5 years, let alone 20 or 30 or more.

And is there any chance of your making up your mind about whether getting money from the government is a good thing or a bad thing, or is that just going to slam back and forth in your empty head forever?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+12%3A40&version=KJV

Get ready because the Lord is coming -  all familiar, rote Gary.

He announces Acts chapter 20, verse 24 (he even says chapter 20 twice), but reads Acts 15:24

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+15%3A24&version=KJV

He stares intently at his steno book, then says "Not bein' moved."

"We was talkin' to a lady today - we was talkin' t'her grandson - er, nephew. She come out man, all in outrage, 'Who ya talkin' to? What - wha you talkin' t'mah 14-year-old nephew?' Well, because someone needs to talk to him about God, you ain't goin' to."

He viciously "imitates" the woman, roaring that she's religious, then corrects himself - she said she was spiritual. Gary says that word "skeers" him. "Listen when ah go to the Indian reservations, they got some kinda spirits over there amen. Ya say 'Whattaya do?' Ah don't get too close to it."

He goes on mocking the woman for a while (it sounds like she was saying there's no way to know which faith is correct), and says that, if she's right, he might as well go home, throw away his Bible, and get a job.

Sounds like a plan to me, Gary.

After another long harangue, he get back to the woman - Gary says she only said those things because she's "never been taught."

He throws in a bit of juicy gossip about the woman; "An' mah unnerstandin' is when ah say this most of ya might know what the - end up knowin' who it is, but suh - ah'm jus' gon' say this lahk this so y'won't be able to figure it out, but some family member had a part in building this church."

The captions hear something else in the middle of that:

Spoiler

And, lest she get off the hook due to not being taught, he adds, "But it mighta been that she mighta been taught, it mighta been that she had a deaf ear to it."

More later.

Edited October 30, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[postscript]

“Apostle Paul that ah preached about at the college yesterday” - as opposed to the other Apostle Paul? Just got to get it in that you preached at a college. We’re going to hear about that college visit until the end of time. Ironic that Gary would never qualify for admission to such a place. 

“Reservations” - I thought he only visited one, the Navajo (though his travels all run together). He obviously sees himself as an apostle to the Native Americans. And the comment about spirits? If you believe in Jesus, doesn’t that preclude a belief in spirits connected with other religions? 

”Procrastination” - “puttin’ it off” is a perfectly good synonym. You could have gone with that and not bothered Becky the walking dictionary. I’m sure he considers his constant appeals to Becky as part of his act, but they make him look ignorant, lazy and misogynistic (all of which he is, but he doesn’t need to emphasize the fact). 

Edited October 30, 2021 by postscript
Typos.

[Xan]

By this time next year, that trip to the Navajo church will become a story about how he preaches to all the Native Americans in the southwest.  The college visit will become a series of college visits.  I'm beginning to think that maybe his early jobs and the story about driving a bus are of the same cloth.  Maybe he drove a bus for a brief period or even just once.  Everything can be embellished if it suits Gary's missionary story.

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He gives them some more guilt, then says "If it hurts your feelings, guess what? God said it, not Gary."

No, Gary, you said it.  

I wish people would just stop agreeing with him and answering his callbacks.  Now if he doesn't get enthusiastic responses, he just sulks.  

[AmazonGrace]

On 10/29/2021 at 1:56 AM, Hane said:

All of these enthusiastic responses to Gary’s most ridiculous comments remind me of a night back in the early ‘80s when I was up late sewing and I had the TV on for background noise. There wasn’t much choice in late-night TV back then, and a telecast of an evangelical preacher came on.

When he said thoughtful things that actually made sense, the congregation just sat quietly and nodded. When he bellowed out nonsense, they lost their freaking minds and hollered out sobbing hallelujahs. (Example: He announced that he had never tasted alcohol in his life—and hadn’t tasted poison either, for the same reason! When I mentioned this to the ex, he said, “He’s gonna have a rude awakening when he finds out what’s in cough syrup.”)

OMG as for me, that ship sailed a LONG time ago, the nurses recommended giving babies daily D vitamin drops and guess what, they're alcohol based.

[thoughtful]

Becky, you bring in Tupperware money and do most of the work for the grifting "ministry." You did the research to find the boots, and the bargain.

Why the everlovin' fuck are you thanking Gary?

Spoiler

 

4 hours ago, postscript said:

“Apostle Paul that ah preached about at the college yesterday” - as opposed to the other Apostle Paul? Just got to get it in that you preached at a college. We’re going to hear about that college visit until the end of time. Ironic that Gary would never qualify for admission to such a place. 

I left it out of the recap, but he made some limp joke attempts about their needing to give him an honorary degree now, as well as reminding the congregation that he did go to Bible college for a while.

If Brother George is helping whoever "Miller" is to teach classes, and they let Gary preach, it may be a crappy diploma mill that would have taken Gary, back when he didn't think he was too cool for school.

4 hours ago, postscript said:

I’m sure he considers his constant appeals to Becky as part of his act,

From his tone of voice, I'm torn on this one. Usually he sounds annoyed with himself, or embarrassed that he can't think of a word, name, or detail of a story. I think he's worked his apologies and comments after it happens into the "ah'm jest a hillbilly, mah wahf's the smart one" act, but I think he doesn't like it when it happens.

4 hours ago, Xan said:

By this time next year, that trip to the Navajo church will become a story about how he preaches to all the Native Americans in the southwest.  The college visit will become a series of college visits.  I'm beginning to think that maybe his early jobs and the story about driving a bus are of the same cloth.  Maybe he drove a bus for a brief period or even just once.  Everything can be embellished if it suits Gary's missionary story.

He really is playing a one-man game of Telephone, isn't he?

He may go for exaggerating how he impressed people, or was brave and "had the guts," rather than numbers.

Like the same-old-same-old message he'd planned to preach anyway, but that has now been mythologized in to a courageous confrontation with President Nez, the college visit may turn into a tale of a roomful of dewy-eyed youth, looking up to him in awe (with, perhaps, one smart alec who challenged him, and whose arguments Gary crushed, even without no high-dollar education).

I'm still wondering if he's dreaming of opening his own school. 

[Dana723]

Look what I came across!  And the first person I thought of was Bro "that word I won't say because it sounds like I'm cussing" Gary! 

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

8 hours ago, Dana723 said:

Look what I came across!  And the first person I thought of was Bro "that word I won't say because it sounds like I'm cussing" Gary! 

  Hide contents

 

I love the open-toe-bone shoe.

Becky posted:

Spoiler

Of course, there are no crafts or "Esty" shops - just MLMs. The person who sells the bras was one:

Spoiler

Becky, does Gary know there are nekkid people on your Facebook?

And I think Becky had breath mints on the mind when typing "TicToks." Two Cs for the mints, Becky, two Ks for the videos.

[thoughtful]

October 6, at Calvary Baptist in Avondale PA - I need to take Gary's advice (ew, got a chill just typing that) and Just Finish. He attempts 1 Corinthians 4:1-2:

KJV: Let a man so account of us, as of the ministers of Christ, and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.
Bro Gary Version: Let a man so account of us, as of the ministry of Christ, and stewarts of the mysteries of God. Moreover it is required in the in the stewart, that a man be found faithful.

Spoiler

 

"If ya wanna finish well, ya gotta be faithful."

God has been faithful to you! "He gives you a job, ya gotta hat - a roof over yer head, amen? You got a car t'drahve? Ah'm just gonna tell ya ah thank God that ah'm not Amish. Ah don't lahk horses, ah guess. Matter of fact, ain't got nobody gotta worry about it. Whenever we - whenever we comin' back with the Lord Jesus Chrast ridin' 'em horses, ah'm gonna see if ah can drahve agin 'cause ah don't want mah own horse."

Does the KJV say that everyone gets a heavenly horse if they make the cut during the Rapture? Where is that, Gary?

He goes on with his usual definition of being faithful - coming to church constantly, supporting the pastor's projects ("You say, 'But ah might not agree with it.' It don't matter.") and missionaries.

And, on the subject of missionaries, Gary reminds them that his burden is for America. "Ya say wha? That's where ah was borned. An' listen, ah'm gonna say sumpin' to ya - ah don't haveta go t'Africa to fahnd some people that - that's from Africa. Hey - raht here in America. Ah've heard that this area here is populated with some uh uh uh Spanish people. Hey, we don't have to go to Mexico - we kin git the Spanish raht here amen! Am ah makin' sense? An' listen he had Chahnese tracks. It would be so great t'see us start a Chahnese church amen?"

He goes on to Garyjoke that it would be a Godly church because that's some of the best food on earth.

He warns them that God won't trust them if they aren't faithful. He shames them with the usual crap about how his "14-year-old son that ain't got a job" is supporting two missionaries. "Ya say 'Where's he get the money from?' God."

Somebody in the congregation is now just blurting out "yes" at random, when Gary is in the middle of a sentence, while turning pages, etc.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=philippians+3%3A13&version=KJV

To finish, "you gonna haveta forget about your past." I bet this is one of Gary's favorite ideas.

Gary gets into a rhythmic riff about how nobody can change what happened in the past, and ends with a triumphant "You will never go back to tomorrow!"

Spoiler

While ranting about people who keep changing churches because their "little feelings was hurt," he says "We got 'em in North Carolahna - we call 'em church hoppers."

The captions:

Spoiler

After his next "Am ah makin' sense?" he adds that he's looking around to see if anybody's shaking their head because "you ain't sayin' nothin.'"

He reads Philippians 3:14 - I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

He rambles, then screams wildly, about only God being able to disqualify a called preacher for a while, including total incoherence about someone who challenged him: "Ah had a gah t'tell me here about a month ago, he said because of th'way ah preach an' when ah name sin, an' ah name things at Pentecost was a tuh - speakin' in tongues, HIS WRONG! HAYMUH!"

He petulantly goes on about how he knows that speaking in tongues is not what people think it is, and how he's only telling them what God said, for a while.

Then he starts in on the "nuts" and "yo-yos" that follow him on Facebook, challenging him on tongues, Pentecostals, and not having eternal security. "That's a bunch of crazy JUNK!"

Oh,  did I tell you that, in the previous section, about letting go of the past, Gary warned them against holding grudges? Yeah. Gary, not only are you being a whiny baby about what people said weeks ago, you're taking it out on people who agree with you.

"An' you know, somma these gahs that do that - they use the King James Bahble! They just don't know how to interpret it."

The captions:

Spoiler

Maybe the caption program just couldn't believe that Gary actually used the word "interpret" about his beloved KJV, that is so very clear that nobody needs to explain it.

"S'everybody ahraht?"

Not everybody is called to be a preacher, but they still are called by God. Gary says "Ah'm gonna give due where due's worth" (I assume he means giving credit where credit is due). He checks with some women to make sure he gets their names right, and tells them that Miss Doris came in to clean the church as the pastor and the Hawkinses were about to go out to eat, and Miss Lisa called out to them to bring back some food.

"Cleanin' the commode is a callin' from God, amen!" And he tells them the fascinating, inspiring story of the broken toilets at the camp meeting in Texas,  starting with "Mah wahf's the head honcho an' ah'm just the little peon, some of y'all'll git that after a whahl, somma that southern hillbilly language, amen."

Honcho comes from Japanese and peon comes from Spanish, Gary, neither are really from any Appalachian dialect.

He now admits that, when someone came into the kitchen and told him that the toilets were overflowing, he said "Mah duty's cookin' not playin' with commodes, amen."

Lest his joking around about being unwilling to stoop to such things make them think he doesn't value those who do, he says they'd better be thankful for such people.

To add further honor to his great respect for the commode-cleaners, he gestures to where Doris is, and says "She came over across with Moses, you better be glad she can still walk, amen." Then, pointing to where he found Lisa, says she came over a few hour later.

Yes, that's right - he is mocking these women, who came in to clean while he was on his way out to yet another free meal, for being old. But of course, it's all in good fun.   🙄 Men are laughing loudly, a woman's voice says "You'd better get back . . ." and I can't hear the rest because Gary is joking about how they won't let him come back next year.

After this laugh riot, he goes back to serious thought about sticking to your calling. "You got the Spanish ministry, bless God. Hey, do it to the best of your ________ (drowned out by yells). Reach those people, amen? Act lahk yer speakin' in tongues, hey but just speak in Mexican tongues, amen. Am ah makin' sense?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+12%3A2&version=KJV

To finish well, keep your eyes on Jesus.

He goes back and forth between praising the pastor and teasing him, while telling them to keep their eyes on Jesus, not any person.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+2%3A1-5&version=KJV

"Now ah wanna say, last of all, how'mah gonna finish? You better make sure yer saved."

He gets on people who are "baby Christians who get mad because they won't grow."

"Jesus wohnts t'quicken you if yer dead. An' if you've never been saved, you are spirit'ly dead."

He says something about the pastor telling two "young people," earlier in the day, that they didn't have to wait to be in church to get saved. "An' God prob'ly woulda saved one of 'em, but the devil didn't want him saved an' so he sent the righteous person out there, thinkin' she was holier than that. Ah'd hate t'be - ah'd hate t'be th'one to be in front of somebody about t'get saved an' then destroy it."

That sure sounds like a protective parent or guardian (again!), not the devil, to me. But Gary says he'd hate to be in her shoes, and the pastor says "God help her."

Gary says he'll be back in a year, if the Lord tarries his coming, but will they be there? "Will you still be on the firing line?"

Captions:

Spoiler

Yeah, the wait for the pony rides and ferris wheel can get pretty long.

Gary has said that he's done about 3-4 times already. I'll let Rex Harrison, as Pope Julius II, express my feelings:

Spoiler

Gary, you're no Michaelangelo. Heck, you're no Charlton Heston . Oooooh, but wouldn't it be fun to hear Gary growl

 

"Ah'm done with this - when ah tell you this ah'm done. Brother George is comin'. Ah told the college, we're livin' in hard tahms, we're livin' in peculiar tahms, ah just read in Timothy today, we're livin' in tahms where nobody's ever done anything wrong. An' no, listen, hey we had one gah that was not innerested. He wasn't really rude rude, but he just wadn't innerested. You know what? Ah cain't quit 'cause he's not innerested. Ya know what ah gotta do now? Ah gotta pray fer 'im."

"But even no matter what happens in the government, no matter what happens in the church, Gary Hawkins, with the help of the Lord, ___________" (mumble).

Talk about not knowing how to finish well.

 

Edited November 1, 2021 by thoughtful
removing extra picture

[thoughtful]

  

Gary actually took his birthday, 10/7, and the next two days off. But on 10/10, he was preaching at Daddy's - er, Old Paths Baptist Church in Germanton, NC, under the tent.

At least they put it up, and set up the pulpit, so there is a tree right behind Gary.

Spoiler

But the rest of the picture is not so pretty, and the traffic noise is substantial. I guess they want people to see them and think "That looks like fun! I think I'll stop."

Spoiler

When the video begins, Gary is already reading - https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 22%3A37-40&version=KJV

Of course, he says "might" instead of "mind," which is from another part of the Bible.

To launch the trip from reading to title, he re-misreads that verse, and says, "That means that we have to love Jesus with everything amen? Now the only way that you'll ever really love Jesus, first of all is, is you've gotta have his love amen? We love Him because He first loved us. That's the reason that we can love Jesus, because he first loved us amen?"

"An' if it wadn't for His love, if it wadn't for Him doin' what He did, we wouldn't have a change, amen? An' we really deserve  - we deserve Hell. That's what we should git, we should git what we deserve, but thank God for mercy an' thank God for grace, an' ah got t'thinkin' in the last coupla days, we're - we're we givin' everything we can to everything except for Jesus in these last days, amen? An' ah got t'hinkin', What Would You give Jesus? What Would You give Jesus?"

The captions have trouble with Gary's accent, when he says he got to thinking:

Spoiler

.

Jesus did so much for us "that that would be a eternally thing we could talk about."

Gary blabs on about all of things that are wrong with the world for a while. Gary says he listened to "Shay, uh, Shan, that Hannity" the previous night.

"There's 600 pages in this stim'lis check they're tryin' t'give away an' every bit of it's against America."

I'd hate to have to endorse a 600-page check.

He reads Ephesians 5:16 - Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

Gary says when he was a kid, 24 hours was too short - no, too long.

Gary asks them what they're doing with their 24 hours a day - Don Green prays 10 hours a day.

And he's already starting with "Am ah makin' sense?" and wanting them to answer because he can't tell if they agree, and if they don't agree with God, they "have the raht t'be wrohng."

More about wasting time (damn - there goes another irony meter), getting his head cut off with a dull saw, everybody should read that martyr book to their children (it's nice to hear a voice besides Becky supply the name for a change). He says if you think your children shouldn't know all of those things, "you ain't much of a parent."

BTW, the captions don't quite pick up one iteration of the word martyr:

Spoiler

Sounds vaguely Masonic.

He goes back and forth abut whether Matthew 16 or 6 is next, and finally reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A19-21&version=KJV

KJV:  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
BGV:  Where your treasures is, there's where your heart will be also -  there will your heart be also.

"What about givin' him yer all?"

More crap we've heard many times (as have they, no doubt) follows, Gary yelling and overmiked and still competing with car noise. He takes a detour from haranguing them about soul-winning and giving their all to say "You can put every bitta money you want - just hang ohn, Mr. Bahden's t'show you what you can do with yer money - he's  fixin' t'take it away from ya. He said he wadn't gonna give his check away, he's gonna give ours away, amen? He's doin' a good job of it."

Gary tries to do his bit about nobody being able to take their money with them when they die, and the captions struggle:

Spoiler

 

Other than "weatherman" for "with them," and "banquet" for "banker," the captions aren't actually all that far off.

He goes on with his usual crap about all of the money belonging to God/Jesus.

More later.

 

Edited November 1, 2021 by thoughtful
Hit submit by accident, had to clean it up a bit.

[postscript]

Has Gary actually read Foxe’s Book of Martyrs? I was given a copy as a child, during my mother’s hyper-religious phase. It was a purple paperback, released by a real publishing house. I was a precocious and prolific reader, but I never managed to make it through more than the first few pages. Somehow, even with his taste for gore, I don’t see Gary getting any farther. He certainly doesn’t seem acquainted with its contents, which if I recall correctly ran to detailed descriptions of Protestants being tortured by Bloody Mary. 

[Ozlsn]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary asks them what they're doing with their 24 hours a day - Don Green prays 10 hours a day.

Yeah right, sure he does.

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

But the rest of the picture is not so pretty, and the traffic noise is substantial. I guess they want people to see them and think "That looks like fun! I think I'll stop."

So in summer it looks hot, in winter it looks cold and the rest of the time they can't even find a quiet location? I am not getting the appeal of this tent thing when they have a perfectly good building.

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, postscript said:

Has Gary actually read Foxe’s Book of Martyrs?

Maybe he has Becky read it to him. In bed.

We really do need a shudder emoji.

He never mentions people by name, or tells the stories in any detail - just some generalizing about their being "burned to the stake" and other tortures, and quoting the one person (and he can never remember whether it was a man or a woman) who said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." 

Continuing Gary's 10/10 shouting over traffic - er, message asking What Would You Give Jesus, under the tent by his Daddy's church, he reads  1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

He only gets a little bit wrong.

Another thing you can give Jesus is being grateful. He complains about how he has never seen so many "ungrateful an' unthankful" people.

"There's places in other countries raht now, especially over in Talibon over there, where they've brought all those army men up, women up, whatever. They're over there, they're hahdin' because they cain't have church, they're havin' their heads cut off because wha? Because they can't - listen, hey, but America's over here takin' a grant for granted for what we got."

Becky, please explain to Gary that there is no such place or nationality as Telebon or Talibon, or even Taliban.

He tells them they should be thankful that they have family, then tries, I think, to do his "next holiday one of those chairs could be empty" routine, but it comes out "Listen, you pull that chair out, that chair's still there, an you gohn' be able, hey, the holidays're comin' up, listen, and uh the chair is not gonna be there no more. What about Job? You better be thankful you ain't buried nobody."

He launches into the fantasy about the government forbidding church and their needing to go underground. Then he veers to being grateful for your job, the ease of getting a job today (he says that a man one day out of prison could get a job), then careens into "You have to watch yer pocketbooks pretty close, amen. Ya haveta watch make sure everybody don't pull a gun out on ya. But it's the willa God to be thankful. It's the willa God to be thankful whenever listen hey, when you ain't feelin' good or yer sick or whatever, hey, when somebody dahs, you're supposed t'give thanks."

"Am ah makin' sense today?" There are some quiet amens. "Ah'm not sure. Maybe y'all ain't woke up yet, ah dunno."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians+6%3A1-2&version=KJV

Another thing to give Jesus is to help one another. And he goes on snippily about how Baptists all want to kick each other when they're down, people today are only out for themselves, etc.

Most responses have been quiet - there's no way to know how many are there. When Gary says he's going to move on, he gets a clear amen - male voice. Then he mumbles something like "If ah just say somethin' lahk quittin' ah kin git a lotta amens, amen?"

He gets another clear amen - this time, a woman, and a few people laugh. I don't know if this is part of the usual "teasing," or there are people there thinking "Dear Lord, cousin Gary is an idiot."

"Second - no, first Timothy. Chapter four, first Timothy. Chapter four, look in verses 13."

Till I come, give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine.

Another thing to give to Jesus is learning more about Him.

He recommends reading the book of martyrs to your children again, and wanders around various subjects having to do with education, making no sense.

He reads Matthew 6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

"Livin' raht."

After some of his usual crap, he says something about one of two sisters (he never remembers which is which), that came up yesterday and "didn't say nothin'." With the traffic noise, it's hard to hear, but he says something like "fahnd out all the gossip an' go back an' tell yer momma an' daddy amen. That's what most people wanna do is listen for the gossip."

I don't know the age of the person he's talking about, but it sounds like he's accusing someone of sending a child to his parents' house to find out gossip.

He talks scornfully about a woman in New York who comes to Mike's church for a few weeks in a row, then disappears for a few months. Sarcastically, he says "she's that spir'tual." He says she bad-mouths the place where she lives and the people there. Gary is convinced she "talks bad" about the people at Mike's church to "them people," whoever they are.

But Gary hates gossip. 🙄

He tells them about the man who was showing them the property in New York, who said he knew his father is in Heaven, whereupon Gary told him that, if his father wasn't born again, he is in Hell.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+5%3A16&version=KJV

He leaves the word "fervent" out altogether.

"How 'bout givin' tahm to God with prayer."

Nothing new, until he gets into whether America is in the Bible. I thought he was going to cite his stupid JerUSAlem thing, but he says to read Ezekiel 36-40, and that he's listened to a CD from a guy who does some prophecy that has something to do with it.

He says he wasn't looking at the property in New York for himself, because he doesn't want to live there. But he does want to "do it" in all 50 states, and jokes that he'll send Josh to Hawaii, since he doesn't fly.

His crap about finding Africans and every other "nationality" right here in the US to preach to is next. And he add  some about "them Indians" and how they're his people and good at shouting in church.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

"Ah'd make sure ah'm saved."

You know the drill.

Gary, you really phoned this one in. No energy.

[postscript]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Maybe he has Becky read it to him. In bed.

We really do need a shudder emoji.

He never mentions people by name, or tells the stories in any detail - just some generalizing about their being "burned to the stake" and other tortures, and quoting the one person (and he can never remember whether it was a man or a woman) who said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." 

Continuing Gary's 10/10 shouting over traffic - er, message asking What Would You Give Jesus, under the tent by his Daddy's church, he reads  1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

He only gets a little bit wrong.

Another thing you can give Jesus is being grateful. He complains about how he has never seen so many "ungrateful an' unthankful" people.

"There's places in other countries raht now, especially over in Talibon over there, where they've brought all those army men up, women up, whatever. They're over there, they're hahdin' because they cain't have church, they're havin' their heads cut off because wha? Because they can't - listen, hey, but America's over here takin' a grant for granted for what we got."

Becky, please explain to Gary that there is no such place or nationality as Telebon or Talibon, or even Taliban.

He tells them they should be thankful that they have family, then tries, I think, to do his "next holiday one of those chairs could be empty" routine, but it comes out "Listen, you pull that chair out, that chair's still there, an you gohn' be able, hey, the holidays're comin' up, listen, and uh the chair is not gonna be there no more. What about Job? You better be thankful you ain't buried nobody."

He launches into the fantasy about the government forbidding church and their needing to go underground. Then he veers to being grateful for your job, the ease of getting a job today (he says that a man one day out of prison could get a job), then careens into "You have to watch yer pocketbooks pretty close, amen. Ya haveta watch make sure everybody don't pull a gun out on ya. But it's the willa God to be thankful. It's the willa God to be thankful whenever listen hey, when you ain't feelin' good or yer sick or whatever, hey, when somebody dahs, you're supposed t'give thanks."

"Am ah makin' sense today?" There are some quiet amens. "Ah'm not sure. Maybe y'all ain't woke up yet, ah dunno."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians+6%3A1-2&version=KJV

Another thing to give Jesus is to help one another. And he goes on snippily about how Baptists all want to kick each other when they're down, people today are only out for themselves, etc.

Most responses have been quiet - there's no way to know how many are there. When Gary says he's going to move on, he gets a clear amen - male voice. Then he mumbles something like "If ah just say somethin' lahk quittin' ah kin git a lotta amens, amen?"

He gets another clear amen - this time, a woman, and a few people laugh. I don't know if this is part of the usual "teasing," or there are people there thinking "Dear Lord, cousin Gary is an idiot."

"Second - no, first Timothy. Chapter four, first Timothy. Chapter four, look in verses 13."

Till I come, give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine.

Another thing to give to Jesus is learning more about Him.

He recommends reading the book of martyrs to your children again, and wanders around various subjects having to do with education, making no sense.

He reads Matthew 6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

"Livin' raht."

After some of his usual crap, he says something about one of two sisters (he never remembers which is which), that came up yesterday and "didn't say nothin'." With the traffic noise, it's hard to hear, but he says something like "fahnd out all the gossip an' go back an' tell yer momma an' daddy amen. That's what most people wanna do is listen for the gossip."

I don't know the age of the person he's talking about, but it sounds like he's accusing someone of sending a child to his parents' house to find out gossip.

He talks scornfully about a woman in New York who comes to Mike's church for a few weeks in a row, then disappears for a few months. Sarcastically, he says "she's that spir'tual." He says she bad-mouths the place where she lives and the people there. Gary is convinced she "talks bad" about the people at Mike's church to "them people," whoever they are.

But Gary hates gossip. 🙄

He tells them about the man who was showing them the property in New York, who said he knew his father is in Heaven, whereupon Gary told him that, if his father wasn't born again, he is in Hell.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+5%3A16&version=KJV

He leaves the word "fervent" out altogether.

"How 'bout givin' tahm to God with prayer."

Nothing new, until he gets into whether America is in the Bible. I thought he was going to cite his stupid JerUSAlem thing, but he says to read Ezekiel 36-40, and that he's listened to a CD from a guy who does some prophecy that has something to do with it.

He says he wasn't looking at the property in New York for himself, because he doesn't want to live there. But he does want to "do it" in all 50 states, and jokes that he'll send Josh to Hawaii, since he doesn't fly.

His crap about finding Africans and every other "nationality" right here in the US to preach to is next. And he add  some about "them Indians" and how they're his people and good at shouting in church.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

"Ah'd make sure ah'm saved."

You know the drill.

Gary, you really phoned this one in. No energy.

Oh, boy. Some interesting emotions reading this one.

We do need a shudder emoji. The idea of Foxe’s Book of Martyrs as either an aphrodisiac (though Gary certainly seems to get off on his torture fantasies) or light reading for children is horrifying. More like giving the kids lifelong nightmares.

First he says Americans take church for granted, then he goes into his usual fantasy about church being forbidden - you can’t have it both ways, Gary. First, nobody is trying to outlaw church. And much as you think you’d enjoy the danger element of underground church, I don’t see you as having the courage to go through with it. You’d be cowering in a basement somewhere. 

“Make sure someone don’t pull a gun on ya” - he’s in North Carolina, isn’t he?  I would be willing to bet nearly every household in this congregation owns at least one gun, for hunting if nothing else. Some of the congregants were probably carrying as he was speaking. I suppose in Gary’s mind not being allowed to pull a gun only applies to people of color. 

“Doing it” (does he not realize that sounds dirty?) in all 50 states - well, Gary, there are these things called boats that take you to Hawaii on the water as opposed to by air. They come with their own risks, and they take longer, but it is possible to get to Hawaii that way. However, the native Hawaiians have already suffered far too much from Christian missionaries. No need to inflict Gary on them. 

[griffin]

He always says he won't fly and he only has a "burden for amurica".  He just won't admit he can't afford it. I'd love to see what would happen the second someone offered him free airline tickets.