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Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro


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Gary has posted a picture of food, and it's not gross! It's a salad! OK, it looks like a salad with lots of dressing, but he is excited about the fresh vegetables. Hell, there's broccoli in there!

Could he be on round two of the diet adventure?

Spoiler

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ETA - I just looked at the picture, full-size on his Facebook page, again, because I couldn't figure out what the gray fabric was. Then I saw a sock and the edge of a shoe, and I think the gray is his pants. It looks like he has the bowl on his chair, sort of in the crook of his bent leg (or sort of in his crotch!).

Well, so much for not gross . .

The quilt is cute, though!

Edited by thoughtful
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Sure you don't say a lot about politics Bro, sure. 

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary has posted a picture of food, and it's not gross! It's a salad! OK, it looks like a salad with lots of dressing, but he is excited about the fresh vegetables. Hell, there's broccoli in there!

I'm actually really offended by that "salad" of two pieces of tomato, some sliced "deli" type "meat" and what appears to be some sort of male emission drizzled over it. Where are all the colors? It's summer, the greens should be green, the red should be popping, orange from carrots or bell pepper, contrasting with pale cucumber or the dark brown of some bacon. Toss on a hard boiled egg, some salt and pepper and oil and vinegar. Herb it up with some spices and herbs. I live in a land where plants barely grow and can make a more attractive salad and photograph it using the widely available photo tools and lighting available to me. 

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Gary could careless.

He managed to get in both the reversal of meaning error and the spelling error - what a guy.

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What prompted this, Gary? Just bored? Need something from Becky and want to butter her up? Looking for more Tupperware income?

And why do you have to be defensive and belligerent, even about this (the "some won't believe it" crap)?

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I CAN'T believe it! Foods cooked in the microwave taste just like they were cooked on the stove? No way! But, Gary seen it and ate it so it must be true!

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9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

ETA - I just looked at the picture, full-size on his Facebook page, again, because I couldn't figure out what the gray fabric was. Then I saw a sock and the edge of a shoe, and I think the gray is his pants. It looks like he has the bowl on his chair, sort of in the crook of his bent leg (or sort of in his crotch!).

The salad bowl is definitely resting on his crotch. Where'd I leave my brain bleach?

News flash: Gary doesn't say a lot of political view

Quote

Ok folks don't say a lot about political view. I'm not sure what is going to happen but I will not apologize for being white. I will not teach the children to apologize for being white. I will not put that stupid mask back on. I will not take the vaccine. And anyone that follows and believe the media or the politician world and think they care for you maybe you should turn the TV off and get a life. As far as the Hawkins Family will continue serving the LORD till HE comes or we go. Let GOD be true and man be lairs. I am not into the games the world has for us. Now if you don't agree that's fine I could careless. This is my page and I can put what I believe needs to be out there. If you took the shot your body your choice if you wear the mask your body your choice. I just am done with the junk the lies the rulings. In and out

To which one of his followers replies

Quote

Amen to choose what we do with our own bodies.

And BAM! All the capacitors on my irony meter just blew at the same time and it smells like burning electrical wire in her right now.

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Another clueless person weighs in on the comments under Gary's "don't say a lot about political view" post:

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Oh, Gary. The possessive of "y'all" is "y'all's".. Everybody knows that..

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15 hours ago, Maggie Mae said:
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I live in a land where plants barely grow and can make a more attractive salad and photograph it using the widely available photo tools and lighting available to me. 

Wendy's makes a more attractive salad than that!

Fresh veggies are great, but adding half a bottle of ranch kind of negates some of the low-calorie benefits to having a salad.

(No, really. I like Wendy's salads, especially when they remember to give you the packet of nuts meant to go on them. The only iceberg in them appears to be the thick stem parts left over from what they put on burgers, so I pick that mess out, but the rest is quite good. Apple Pecan is my fave, but the Summer Strawberry one isn't bad either.)

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2 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

The possessive of "y'all" is "y'all's".

Huh, I thought it was "all y'all". Maybe it's a regional dialect thing. :D 

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23 minutes ago, Antipatriarch said:

Huh, I thought it was "all y'all". Maybe it's a regional dialect thing. :D 

"all y'all" is an emphatic more encompassing plural - "y'all come to dinner!" is more casual "all y'all come to dinner!" is like "Every one of you come to dinner right now!"

"Y'all's" is possessive - "Y'all's new building location is nice!" while "all y'all's" is a more emphatic version meant to more explicitly encompass everyone being addressed. "All y'all's grades were horrible on this test. Did none of y'all study?"

That's all where I am, in the same state Bro Gary is from.

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Jeff Foxworthy claimed it was “you’in’s,” but he’s from Georgia, so…?‍♀️

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Jethere has commented about Gary's crotch salad. I sure hope, in the second comment, that's some sort of typo for "cucumbers," or a reference to blood sugar or weight, and that the word "two" isn't what's missing.

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ETA - I don't think anyone's posted Michael Stout's comment on the political post:

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These people can really be the epitome of self-defeating, illogical bullheadedness sometimes.

Edited by thoughtful
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Wait what? Does he think if you're not wearing a mask then it's a sure thing that you'll get covid and it's also a sure thing that it's gonna kill you in 14 days? Or if he's not wearing a mask somebody will kill him?

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43 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Jethere has commented about Gary's crotch salad. I sure hope, in the second comment, that's some sort of typo for "cucumbers," or a reference to blood sugar or weight, and that the word "two" isn't what's missing.

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ETA - I don't think anyone's posted Michael Stout's comment on the political post:

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These people can really be the epitome of self-defeating, illogical bullheadedness sometimes.

Hmm... I'm going to guess that Jethere (which I always read as Jethro) "can't" live without his tomatoes, has some tomato plants out back, and had a good number of ripe tomatoes on there this morning. Maybe he'll have a 'mater sandwich for lunch. (Slices of tomato, mayo, salt and lots of pepper on white bread, is how my dad likes his 'mater sandwiches.)

Perhaps Michael Stout has a wife or parent or boss or someone who has had a "Wear the damn mask, cause if Covid don't kill you I will!" discussion with him? Or maybe he knows he's high risk and can't stay home, so needs to wear the mask? 

I can translate Southern sometimes but "can't type or spell to save his sorry life, bless his heart" is much harder to translate, I think!

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4 hours ago, Alisamer said:

"all y'all" is an emphatic more encompassing plural [...]

"Y'all's" is possessive

Sorry, sorry, @Four is Enough! I misread it; you said "possessive" and I read "plural". Thanks @Alisamer.

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3 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Wait what? Does he think if you're not wearing a mask then it's a sure thing that you'll get covid and it's also a sure thing that it's gonna kill you in 14 days? Or if he's not wearing a mask somebody will kill him?

I'm pretty sure that Michael Stout has been in treatment for cancer for quite a while - he makes reference to it now and then (including, IIRC, joking about it being his diet plan when Gary started talking about his weight loss).

3 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Hmm... I'm going to guess that Jethere (which I always read as Jethro) "can't" live without his tomatoes, has some tomato plants out back, and had a good number of ripe tomatoes on there this morning

Sounds likely. Interpreting these guys can be quite a task!

Jethere and Jethro are both from the same source - a biblical figure who's name would more closely be transliterated as Yehter.

Edited by thoughtful
how do the riffles get away from me?
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7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's crotch salad

I've heard of crotch fruit...

Edited by Dana723
used the wrong word...
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The video starts in the middle of the announcements and prayer requests. This  church, like many that Gary visits, seems to uphold the tradition of telling the gory details of everyone's illnesses and injuries.

Gary moans through a long prayer by the pastor (?), who repeats most of the medical details as he rhythmically chants, dropping in "Lord" at roughly even intervals.

After his usual "how many's glad to be in church/c'mon now, ah thought this was a Baptist church/'bout half of ya" crap, Gary and his family sing, ending with Preach On.

Gary introduces himself, talks about the prayer cards, his tent, his burden for America, etc.

He announces Jeremiah 1, says he thought of this some time back, and "the Lord sorta took it away from me," but now it's back. Any bets on how much of it will actually be new, other than the reading?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jeremiah+1&version=KJV

KJV: The words of Jeremiah the son of Hilkiah, of the priests that were in Anathoth in the land of Benjamin:
Bro Gary Version: For the word of the - the word of - Jeremah the son of Hillikam, of the priest where in Innathohm  - in the land of Benjamin - ah sure am glad mah mama didn't like - mah mama wa'n't born back in them days, amen.

Great start, Gary.

KJV:  It came also in the days of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the end of the eleventh year of Zedekiah the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the carrying away of Jerusalem captive in the fifth month.
BGV:  And it came to pass in the days of Jer - Jereh-hone-kim the king of Josiah king of Judah, unto the end of the eleventh year of Zedekiah of the sons of Josiah king of Judah, unto the carrying away of Jeremiah captive in the fifthteenth month - in the fifth month.

KJV: and before thou camest forth out of the womb
BGV: and before thou cameth forth out of thy womb

Neat trick - especially for a man!

KJV: And the word of the Lord came unto me the second time, saying, What seest thou? And I said, I see a seething pot; and the face thereof is toward the north. Then the Lord said unto me, Out of the north an evil shall break forth upon all the inhabitants of the land.
BGV: And the word of the Lord - uh - came unto me the second time, saying, What see-eth thou? And I said, I see a seeing pot; and the face thereof is toward the north.Then the Lord said unto me, Out of the north an evil shall bring forth upon all the inhabitants of the land looky there, hey - the evil comes from the north, amen, halleluyer!"

He can barely start the next verse, because he's chuckling at his bon mot.

KJV: be not dismayed at their faces, lest I confound thee before them.
BGV: be not dis - mayed at their faces, lest I command - comfort thee before thee - before them.

Most of the rest is a stumbling mess, as well.

The camera swings back and forth constantly while Gary is reading - I don't know if there is something going on with their tripod, or Jacob, or Becky, but this has been going on for several services now, and it's at its worst tonight. But we do get to see some of the congregation - looks like about 15 people, possibly more.

He spends several minutes stumbling through trying to tell them that his theme is What Would the Lord Say About You.

I want to know What the Fuck Does That Have to Do With Jeremiah 1? It sounds like it's going to be an old harangue of Gary's.

Gary says it feels good to be saved, but you can't go by feelings. "When ah got the flu, ah don't feel saved. Hey ah never had the Covid, so ah'm good to go with that amen."

I guess Gary has given up on his claim that he had it in the beginning of 2020, when nobody knew what it was.

Gary's getting lots of  yelling and support from the men of this crowd.

He rambles about the lady at the post office asking him what his plans were for today, and how he told her he was planning to take Jacob to "this airplane thing" even though he hates airplanes. Then, of course, he invited her to church. He says he did like seeing some of the airplane motors.

Familiar Garyshit follows, about his funeral, what he'd want people to say, etc. In mid-yell, telling them to "look real quick-lahk to uh uh . . .", he suddenly shuts down. He starts flipping though his little steno pad and mumbles "that's pretty bad, ah done lost mah message."

Spoiler

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He keeps them waiting for a while, flipping through pages as a few men yell encouragement, then mumbles that he'll do the best he can.

He starts yelling about Enoch walking with God, then it occurs to him to bring the steno book to Becky, to see if she can find his message.

Gary, does it really matter? You're going to babble some combination of your usual routines, perhaps with some new bad-taste examples thrown in.

He starts screaming about the McFaddens' accident, in more detail than I really needed to hear. A long, seamless screamfest follows, with lots of things that are connected only in the tangles of Gary's brain - the government's trying to shut down churches, Allah and Buddha are in Hell, Mary wouldn't want you to worship her, the Holy Spirit showed up at the camp meeting in Texas and they all "fell out," and God said "Enoch, walk with me," and Jesus - God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, and we need some people today that would obey God.

And, while the men are yelling "That's right!" and "Yes!" Gary pauses as Becky brings him the steno pad. He seems dissatisfied, and mumbles something like "don't know where you found it at." Becky starts to say something, but Gary drowns her out with a yell of "But hey listen hey - he obeyed God!"  And he's back to Abraham. He goes on for a while about Abraham and Isaac, and how obedience is better than sacrifice.

He announces his next Bible reading, realizes it's the story of Abraham trying to sacrifice Isaac, mumbles "ah done preached that one already," and asks them to go to Genesis 6.

Becky chuckles and says a rather mocking "Preach on."

Genesis 6:8, per Gary, says: But Noah found gracccccccccce . . . .  in the eyes of the Lord.

And we get his Noah shtick, the bit about not needing to go to "Isrl" to see that Jesus is not in the tomb, because he lives in Gary's heart, and needing to hurry up because I Love Lucy's comin' on.

He announces 1 Samuel, then gets distracted because he wants to say that there are good women in the Bible, as well as men. "Ruth, listen, was it - Samuel - we readin' about raht now, was it - who was that uh uh uh uh ruh - what's her name?"
Becky (?): "Hannah."
Gary: "Hannah, there ya go, praise the Lord it's prob'ly  _______ (gibberish) 'round here, amen. Hannah, hey listen hey, he heard what Hannah had to say, an' he, an' he, an' he  intervened, an' here's Samuel. Amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Samuel+13%3A14&version=KJV

Gary leaves out the "hath"s.

We get his old crap about not liking people before he got saved, and now he loves people. He "despahses" what's "goin' ohn in the politician world" but he doesn't want Bahden, Pelosi and "Harrison" to go to Hell, even though they hate God.

"Ah see people homeless out here. An' an' an' whichahm gon' be honest with ya, ah'm not sure a real homeless person'd go out here and hold a sign. You say 'Whatta you give 'em when you go bah?' An' ah have helped people out. Ah was out in New Mexico what, 'bout six or seven years ago, an' ah was havin' - me an' mah wahf was havin' vehicle troubles so ah had to go rent another vehicle for a few days an' ever'thing and so uh uh whahl mah truck was in the shop an' we pulled into one of the restaurants out there an' there was a man settin' out there an' ah talked to him a little bit - not only did ah feed him physically, ah fed him spiritually."

Becky really is amazing at reading him, and/or knowing where he is supposed to be in the message. After telling them that he goes to upstate New York, he says "Ah went out this year, the Lord allowed me to go out to - uh, uh - "
Becky: "Las Vegas."
Gary: "Las Vegas."

And he does his bit about every city being sin city.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A1&version=KJV

Exchewed is today's pronunciation.

He tells them that Joe Bahden, who is not the president of the United States (that gets "amen"s), faked the gas shortage, and "the media got on television" and "skeered ever'body."

He gets going on the keeping separate stuff - he claims that people are telling him that Paul became all things to all men so he could win some. "So you're tellin' me apostle Paul went down and smoked dope so he could git somebody ta God? Nah ah don't think so."

He does his "the church is gettin' worldly and the worl' is gettin' churchy" bit, about the recent (?) trend of Hollywood trying to make religious movies.

He does his riff about not liking the "Independent Fundamental" label, the preacher who supposedly said he's so independent he doesn't need God, Bible-believers and Baptists not always doing what they should, how the KJV is God, because God is The Word (everybody have Grease running through their minds now?), and how people should see, even in "Walmarts," that there is something different about you.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+7%3A28&version=KJV

Gary grew up in church, John the Baptist and Carl Lackey named the sin and the sinner, Gary will sit in the corner with John the Baptist, Gary won't preach at his children's funerals if they don't act like Christians, etc.

"You wanna be called a great man o' God, you gotta earn it, amen? Listen hey, somma these kids an' maybe some of ya goin' to college or whatever, if you're gonna git a degree, ya need to earn it. Amen. If you don't finish - if you don't go through 12th grade, you  . . should . . .  not . . .  git a diploma amen. If you go to school, an' whatever it is yer goin' to school for, an' you don't finish it - hey!" His voice goes up about an octave "You shouldn't git that! Now ah unnerstan' we're livin' in a world today California - just listened to today - California is handin' money out like we got millions. Ya say wha? They want people to be lazy."

:confusion-shrug:

He admits he doesn't "work a job, per se," but goes into a garbled humblebrag about how the pastor in Maine was about to close down his business (I assume this is the guy with the furniture store and the church with the arched windows, who loves Gary's humor). But "the Lord walked in on the last day," and someone bought it.

"But we had ta move some things, and listen, here it is, ah'm up 'til one or two o'clock in the mornin' an' ah'm physically workin', helpin' these people, ya say wha? That's the ministry."

:violin: Oh, and ?. Also . . . we need a bullshit emoji.

And he does his snippy bit about the young preachers who won't work a job as well as being a pastor, and how he got respect when he worked while being a missionary.

"You kin listen to Joe Bahden if you want to - mah Bahble says if you don't work, you don't eat."

How does he have the balls?

Gary is announcing Acts chapter nine, and the video cuts off.

Edited by thoughtful
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11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

he suddenly shuts down. He starts flipping though his little steno pad and mumbles "that's pretty bad, ah done lost mah message." He keeps them waiting for a while, flipping through pages as a few men yell encouragement, then mumbles that he'll do the best he can. [...] then it occurs to him to bring the steno book to Becky, to see if she can find his message. [...]

Gary pauses as Becky brings him the steno pad. He seems dissatisfied, and mumbles something like "don't know where you found it at." Becky starts to say something, but Gary drowns her out with a yell

Wow. Gary is always bad, recycling the same awful content (SSDD) -- easy to see for those that see him regularly (like us, via these summaries, thanks!). But this was an epic fail -- he wasn't even prepared enough to keep the train looking like it was on the tracks for a fresh audience. You had one job!

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Becky chuckles and says a rather mocking "Preach on."

LOL... and of course, anyone who travels with him and hears it day after day knows what the score is, too.

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2 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

Wow. Gary is always bad, recycling the same awful content (SSDD) -- easy to see for those that see him regularly (like us, via these summaries, thanks!). But this was an epic fail -- he wasn't even prepared enough to keep the train looking like it was on the tracks for a fresh audience. You had one 

I had the same thought. This entire sermon is tired, even by Gary standards. And then he forgets what he intended to say, when it’s the same thing he’s said hundreds of times before? Way to half-ass, dude. I hope the love offerings reflected your lack of preparation. 

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2 minutes ago, postscript said:

I had the same thought. This entire sermon is tired, even by Gary standards. And then he forgets what he intended to say, when it’s the same thing he’s said hundreds of times before? Way to half-ass, dude. I hope the love offerings reflected your lack of preparation. 

I wonder what the take is? Fifteen people, maybe four or five families. Twenty bucks a family. I suppose it's gas money. 

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Gary had a good serve, and a soul got saved last night. No doubt Gary will be talking about it for years (but not taking credit, of course - it was the Lord!).

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I clicked on the link to the church's page, and they had their own video of the service, that actually went to the end. So here is the rest of Gary's spiel.

This church gave the message a whole other title (did it come from Gary, then he changed or forgot it? Who knows.) They also have a chyron of the Bible verse displayed, which must have been fun, with Gary's falling apart.

Spoiler

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+9%3A15&version=KJV

It's talking about Paul. If working for God was easy, everybody would do it. Apostle Paul had to work for what he had, and Gary wants to be that vessel.

"Ya go over to Isaiah chapter uh, ah don't know 'xac'ly where the chapter is raht off hand, but it - the chap - it starts off pretty early in the chapters an' it said 'Ah ah ah ah  Lord there's not a whole lot to me  . . but ah'll go.' Nowahwahnna say somethin' to ya, ah'm not hearin'a many preachers goin' any more. Ah'm not hearin'a many young people turnin' uh bein' surrendered ta God any more. The last two that ah have seen, one of 'em was mah oldest son, an' another one ah was just in a meetin' with him not lohng ago an' his son, and he got to preach for the first tahm ah got to hear him preach up there amen the other day an' ever'thin' ah'mgonnatellya somethin', you young people, you better git in here. Ah do know - ah do not know how much tahm we got left ohn earth, and ah'm not sayin' yer pasture's dahin' today - God forbid - you don't dah 'til 'bout 20 years after ah leave town amen - but somebody's gonna haveta step up an' be the next man. Am ah makin' senssssse? Whether he dahs or whether he retahrs or whether he gits sick or whether he hasta step down, they're gonna need somebody t'step up."

That's right - like a huckster telling you this offer is only  good for a few days, Gary is trying to light a fire under young preacher wannabes by threatening that the Rapture may come soon! Next he'll be disappearing for a while after saying "let me go ask my manager."

I wonder what the pastor thinks of Gary fantasizing about his death, illness or needing to step down.

Gary talks about old-time preachers always having a right-hand man ready to step in, then gets onto the subject of tracts, and how some people read them and some throw them away. "Ah even had one in West Virginia just the other day when ah had t'go through that hah-dollar pole, amen - toll, whatever the thing's called. Ah don't need that - ah been saved and baptahzed. Listen, if you've gotta argue about your salvation, you might wanna check up."

Sounds like he handed a tract to a toll-taker, and saw the person throw it out - I got that far. But why that was followed by the bit about being sure he's saved and not arguing about his salvation, who knows? :confusion-shrug:

ETA - it just occurred to me - maybe "I don't need that, I've been saved and baptized" was what the toll-taker said (I thought Gary was saying it about himself). If so, and he perceives that as "arguing about your salvation," when I would imagine it's pretty close to what he'd say if anyone handed him a tract, well, replace that :confusion-shrug: with a ?

Gary says his last reading is John 3:3-7, but he doesn't read it - just tells them that Jesus told Nicodemus he must be born again. He rattles off his beloved reptobate verse in full, though.

You better make sure you're saved - eternity is a long tahm.

He complains about how everyone in the South claims to be saved, but then they don't go to church or behave like Gary thinks they should.

Women can't be preachers, but they "can be a witnesssss. You kin go tell your next-door neighbors, you kin tell the people at Walmart, you kin tell - hey, you kin be a witness at work."

Gary travels all over the US, not so people can see Gary, but so they can see Jesus.

The pastor comes up for the altar call.

Edited by thoughtful
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21 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary had a good serve, and a soul got saved last night. No doubt Gary will be talking about it for years (but not taking credit, of course - it was the Lord!).

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So Gary thinks he's the only thing standing between a person's soul and Hell?  I actually sat with this thought for a moment.  Let's just say Gary's right.  He has the key to salvation.  And, after he dies, he'll go to Heaven and he'll be joined by David and Jill Rodrigues, Lori Alexander, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, and the rest of the fundies.  You know what?  I choose Hell.  If I thought I'd have to spend an eternity with all that hate and judgment and general stupidity, I'd gladly throw myself into the lake of fire.  

I'm pausing to think about it again.  Are you sure, Xan?  Yep.  None of those fundies seem at all loving and caring.  Lake of fire, it is.

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