Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[forgetmenow]

 

4 hours ago, Jasmar said:

Um, wut? How do the dots for “ones who carries a microphone” and “hippie preacher” connect in the rat’s maze of Gary’s mind?

If I had to guess, he's picturing churches that have no bulky pulpit where the pastor walks around with the microphone wearing skinny jeans.  It's kind of splitting hairs, though, cause he tends to wander about a bit while doing his evangelist calisthenics. 

[AmazonGrace]

When the Lord comes, the chances are He will  find @thoughtful recapping bro's ranting. 

[Chocolate Lover]

10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

When the Lord comes, the chances are He will  find @thoughtful recapping bro's ranting. 

He will probably find me sleeping  ?

[Xan]

Bro Gary hasn't had enough people listening to him today, apparently, so he's taken to Facebook again to make his profound statements.

 

 

I'm kind of surprised that he keeps on heaping abuse on the pastors.  He doesn't think that they're excited about "the things of God"?  Dude -- they're actually doing this as a job and hopefully they're doing things for their flock.  You're just someone who flits in and out and just leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth.   

[Xan]

OK folks, are you spending your money on yourself and your family instead of sending it to people doing missions work for God?  If so, Gary wants you to think about that.  After all, he still needs a truck and that Chinese food isn't free, you know.

Edited July 17, 2021 by Xan

[thoughtful]

On 7/16/2021 at 3:50 AM, AmazonGrace said:

When the Lord comes, the chances are He will  find @thoughtful recapping bro's ranting. 

Since I don't think there is such a being, let alone that he's coming, I'm not worried.

Although, I have to say that Gary's malapropisms and mispronunciations seem too perfect to have happened at random. They seem like little gifts from a supreme being who is winking and telling us "no worries - I'm on to this guy."

But no - not enough to make me believe. Someone as obnoxious, full of himself, and stupid as Gary may be rare in nature, but hell, if the platypus can happen, Gary can happen!

He got a comment about his, you should pardon the expression, missionary position:

[Black Aliss]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Someone as obnoxious, full of himself, and stupid as Gary may be rare in nature, but hell, if the platypus can happen, Gary can happen!

That's pure gold, right there. I should add that I'm here on this thread this morning because I came across this headline and immediately wondered if Gary was the perp or the victim:

"Argument over Bible verses leads to strangulation, murder charge"

No details on which verse of the bible but I hope it was not the sixth commandment, which would absolutely redline my irony meter.

[AmazonGrace]

Gary may claim that he was blood bought but what he really believes is that he's a Christian because he goes to church.

Quote

Gary Hawkins is with Rebecca Hawkins. ·

Ok folks if the LORD gives you another day? Will you Thank HIM by being in your place Church? See GOD is merciful to us. So now we need to be Thankful and do what we are to do. Go to Church. If you are a CHRISTIAN you'll be in Church.

Bro Gary Hawkins

It's like he thinks he's doing God a service by going.

He's also shilling for  a consignment shop and
 

Quote

 

Ok folks the Hawkins will be with the good People of Onycha Baptist Church Opp AL all day tomorrow. Pray for us that the LORD will help us in HIS word.

Bro Gary Hawkins

 

If the Lord ever helps Gary in his word we'll know because he reads it correctly.

[thoughtful]

43 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Gary may claim that he was blood bought but what he really believes is that he's a Christian because he goes to church.

He would actually agree with this, I think, and not see any hypocrisy in it. He talks often about being saved not being the same as being a Christian.

He harangues saved people about their behavior, and says that "being a Christian means being Christ-like," by which he seems to mean covering up your body, going to church, giving to missions, KJV only, and other things that he has decided define "Christian."

Actually thinking like Jesus, and doing the kindly, useful things Jesus did, don't seem to make Gary's list (unless, of course, you are talking about helping him).

[AmazonGrace]

The difference between Jesus and Gary is that Jesus fed five thousand people and Gary expects five thousand people to feed him.

[thoughtful]

There is a video from this morning, at Onycha Baptist Church in Opp, AL, but it is only about seven minutes long (it's a sign! It's a sign from Gwen Lara! Well, it's 6 minutes and 51 seconds long - does that count?). So there must have been technical difficulties again.

The person running the service and Gary share the boring story of how they met. I don't think he's the pastor, Tom Johnston, because, when he comes up, Gary says: "Yeah, Brother Tom called me, said 'Ah'm not gonna be there, ah'm married.' Ah says, 'Yeah, ah figured that one.'" He gets laughs. "Y'know the Bahble does talk 'bout it he said Lord, be excused ah married a woman so there ya go, amen."

That might make a teeny bit of sense if Pastor Tom just got married and is on his honeymoon (although I would imagine Gary would still not approve), but otherwise . . . I got nothin'.

Gary goes on, talking quietly about how busy they've been, then the video skips and he is in mid-scream. It's especially funny to jump right to it like that, because of what he is screaming.

"Ah got luh - listen, peace makes me have uh, have joy, amen? Ah'm just sayin', listen, this mornin' ah've got peace 'n' knowin' listen hey ah know where ah'm goin' when ah dah!"

How about some peace for the rest of us, Gary?

He must have read https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+4%3A35-41&version=KJV, because he yells about the disciples in the boat being angry at Jesus for sleeping when they were frightened, during the first hurricane that ever happened. 

And then he unpeacefully screams some more about how he has peace because he knows what's going to happen to him. He's big on the hissed S sounds today.

Something garbled that spews out of Gary's mouth  while he's ranting about how it's OK to make plans, as long as you don't take away from God, makes me think the pastor may, in fact, be on his honeymoon. As far as I can tell, it's, "Pretty good honeymoon, ya say they are goin' we gonna git married we gonna go to the streets next day amen."

He goes back to screaming about peace, and "knowin' who your master isssss" and telling us that God "wants to have peacccccce."

"Ah tell ya raht now, ah need the peace of drahvin' up 'n' down these roads with crazy, stupid drivers. When ah git close to the ocean, ah have to do somethin' for mah wahf, 'n' that's take her to the beach. Ah hate that place. Ah despahse it. But ah know wha ever'body's down here in Florida, ah don't blame 'em, listen, hey - ah'd leave New York too, t'come to Florida. Wish they'd leave their views up there, amen. But ah've never in all mah days, listen, hey - ah needed peace the other day with alllla that traffic. Then ah needed peace ta hang out at the beach with alllla those crazy people. Amen? Am ah makin' sense this mornin'?"

Not one lick, Gary.

And the video cuts off as Gary is announcing another Bible reading.

Peace out. ☮️ ✌️

Edited July 18, 2021 by thoughtful
punctuation error

[Xan]

Gary is an ungrateful ass.  Becky does a lot for him.  The very least he could do is take her to the beach whenever they get close.  She says it's her favorite place  -- and all he can do is get up and tell the congregation how he despises it.  I think he's just embarrassed by his body and that he probably doesn't know how to swim.  

You'd also think he'd be used to traffic by now.  After all, the only useful thing he does is drive.  Even that pisses him off.

[thoughtful]

8 minutes ago, Xan said:

all he can do is get up and tell the congregation how he despises it.

He switches voices when he talks about how much he hates the beach - soft and slow and full of menace.

It reminds me of dog sounds - loud barking is often just a lot of noise, but a low, guttural, slow growl is real rage.

 

[postscript]

I’m sure he moans and complains every time he has to take Becky to the beach. She probably pays for those outings listening to him whine. 

He also gets a gratuitous crack in about New Yorkers and their “views.” First of all, not all New Yorkers (or all Floridians, for that matter) share the same opinions. Second, I’m willing to bet most of them respect his views, even though he doesn’t extend them the same courtesy. Sometimes I wonder why he even bothers traveling outside the South, when he makes his disdain for Yankeeland so clear. I suppose it’s for the good weens. 

[smittykins]

22 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Gary may claim that he was blood bought but what he really believes is that he's a Christian because he goes to church.

“Sitting in a church house doesn’t make you a Christian any more that sitting in a henhouse makes you a chicken.”

Can’t remember where I heard that, but I like it.

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, smittykins said:

“Sitting in a church house doesn’t make you a Christian any more that sitting in a henhouse makes you a chicken.”

Can’t remember where I heard that, but I like it.

Ah, but Gary uses that one, too - although he does the "going into the garage doesn't turn you into a car" version.

When someone is as judgmental as he is, they have all of the bases covered. We need to get saved (and have it be personal, not a canned prayer), believe we can't lose our salvation, cover our bodies, go to church, really enjoy being in church, support our "pasture," work for the church, give to missionaries, give up habits Gary considers bad, go to the altar, yell loud support for anyone preaching, take a stand, and be Republicans.

Men need to run the household, and love their wives like Jesus loved the church. Women need to stay home and cook, clean and iron, but can bring in income via MLMs. Children need to serve parents and parents need to beat them.

Churches need to use the King James Bible, have only male preachers, use the altar, not have smokestacks and boogie woogie, and sing  "psalms and hymns and spir'tual songs."

And I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot of Gary's rules. But trust me, he can out-holy anybody, and then mock people who he thinks act holier-than-thou!

10 hours ago, postscript said:

Sometimes I wonder why he even bothers traveling outside the South, when he makes his disdain for Yankeeland so clear. I suppose it’s for the good weens

That, getting to wander, the enhanced savior complex, and feeling of being a brave missionary in enemy territory probably all make him happy. I think Gary is tempted to wear a pith helmet and carry a rifle in deepest, darkest upstate New York and the Amazonian jungles of Maine.

He also likes the fact that Yankees will honestly tell him they are Catholics (or however they identify, but he tends to focus on that answer). He sees it as their telling him they are lost, and that people in the South are lying because "everybody" will tell you they are saved, and he suspects most are not, or are not behaving in the way he thinks Christians should behave once they are saved.

I don't know whether he thinks Yankees are bravely telling him of their terrible flaw, or if he understands that they think it's perfectly fine to be Catholic or Methodist or atheist, and he just enjoys having a handy label ("LOST").

I suspect the latter. But, as ever, choosing between "is he that stupid?" and "is he that evil?" is tough.

Edited July 19, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Alisamer]

23 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I suspect the latter. But, as ever, choosing between "is he that stupid?" and "is he that evil?" is tough.

I think the answer is "Yes" to both questions, pretty much no matter the situation. 

I think Gary likes to travel for a lot of reasons, one being that he only has a handful of canned messages, one being that the longer you stay at one place the more likely they are to quit giving love offerings and feeding you meals, and another being that he likes feeling "better than" by surrounding himself with people he considers "lost" or inferior to himself. 

He probably also gets a lot of attention outside the South, too. Here everybody knows somebody who is "just not right" who is heavy on the religion and judgement and very light on the brainpower. But in other areas of the country, while they too probably have those people, Gary is different than what they're used to. He'll get comments on his accent, questions about where he's from, people offering to have him try foods they think he's probably never tried, and there's the go-to small talk of the differences between where he's from and where he is.

Here in NC he's nothing special, nothing stands out about him, if he tells people where he's from he'll get at best an "Oh, yeah, I have a cousin who lives there" or "Oh, that's near Mount Airy, right?" or something like that. In the rest of the country he's more of a curiosity, and likely to get more questions about where he's from and what it's like, and then people are likely to mention whatever they know about the area or state. 

I remember when my family were members of a camping club, the couple who traveled and visited from the national organization were from upstate NY or Maine or somewhere up there. It was a big thing when they visited to make sure they got fed a proper home-cooked southern breakfast with real non-instant grits and home-baked biscuits and taken out to a local place for dinner. The last time I saw them they were gifted by a garden hose before they left, partly as a joke, because there had been a situation where someone mentioned a "hose pipe" to them and they didn't know what one was!

[thoughtful]

Gary's looking for a serve.

Spoiler

Here you go, Gary:

Spoiler

Winston Salem is right near Germanton, Gary. Doesn't the Church of Daddy have Sunday evening services? Or do you need to be the one preaching and getting the collection money?

[postscript]

13 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's looking for a serve.

  Reveal hidden contents

Here you go, Gary:

  Reveal hidden contents

Winston Salem is right near Germanton, Gary. Doesn't the Church of Daddy have Sunday evening services? Or do you need to be the one preaching and getting the collection money?

What he’s really looking for is a place to sleep, a meal at someone else’s expense, and a love offering. The scary part is that he’s in his home territory, so he’s sure to find some sucker willing to listen to his blathering, 

[Black Aliss]

9 hours ago, smittykins said:

“Sitting in a church house doesn’t make you a Christian any more that sitting in a henhouse makes you a chicken.”

Can’t remember where I heard that, but I like it.

"Cat crawl in the oven to have her kittens, that don't make 'em muffins!"

[Antipatriarch]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Here you go, Gary:

I was thinking more like:

Spoiler

 

 

[clese]

On 7/19/2021 at 4:03 AM, AmazonGrace said:

The difference between Jesus and Gary is that Jesus fed five thousand people and Gary expects five thousand people to feed him.

*snort!!

[clese]

Is Gary deaf??

[Alisamer]

15 hours ago, postscript said:

What he’s really looking for is a place to sleep, a meal at someone else’s expense, and a love offering. The scary part is that he’s in his home territory, so he’s sure to find some sucker willing to listen to his blathering, 

And a place to stay outside his 'home town' so he can keep saying he's only been there 30 hours this year. 

4 hours ago, clese said:

Is Gary deaf??

Just clueless and stupid, I think.

[thoughtful]

14 hours ago, Antipatriarch said:

I was thinking more like:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

That was such a great way to keep to the original, and fit a "swordfight" scene into a modern story.

I'm sure you are all dying to know, so here is Gary's upcoming itinerary:

Spoiler

Somebody sent Gary a long harangue about sin:

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38/posts/4509018039142995

Sadly, there is no second person plural in English, and I understand why people have invented "y'all" and "youse." But trying to use y'all as a possessive really doesn't work, Gary. You just have to stick with "your" (well, OK, you'd probably spell it "you're" or "yuor," and I know you'd pronounce it "yer").

Spoiler