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Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro


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What exactly do you mean by being touched "in a special way", Gar?  

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"Touch them in a special way" - somehow, every time Gary asks for prayers, he manages to make them sound dirty. 

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1 hour ago, postscript said:

"Touch them in a special way" - somehow, every time Gary asks for prayers, he manages to make them sound dirty. 

Thinking of him saying it works well with your avatar.

 

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

"I am ask" sums up grifter life. 

"I am ask, therefore I am."

Edited by Bluebirdbluebell
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It's Theological Fight Saturday on Gary's FB again and Gary wins it by throwing out irrelevant Bible punches, calling other fighters names and saying the world is going to hell because of them.

We also learn that if no one tries to kill you after your sermon it's a good day.

Spoiler

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And bro is mad that people work.

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I think when people talk about preachers treating the altar calls as ego boosters they mean Gary.

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Posted (edited)

I love that, in all of that argument, two people try to remind the rest how to spell altar.

Also, "my altar was a grape stain in a living room" has potential as a country song lyric.

I don't want to think about what kind of song would have the lyric "get their little bottle out and rub it."

 

Edited by thoughtful
removing pic
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13 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

It's Theological Fight Saturday on Gary's FB again and Gary wins it by throwing out irrelevant Bible punches, calling other fighters names and saying the world is going to hell because of them.

We also learn that if no one tries to kill you after your sermon it's a good day.

I love that the verses Gary tossed out don't support his case.  He's all about the KJV Bible being the final word and he can't even find support for his arguments.  Then he resorts to, "No wonder the world's going to hell. Sad day where in. I guess if it doesn't say the word it's not there..."  

Okay, Gary.  Either the Bible tells you what to do or it doesn't.  You can't have it both ways.

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I looked Gary's verses up (assuming he quoted the correct verses...)

Romans 12: 1-2
 

Quote

 

12 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

 

 

James 4:10 10 

Quote

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

Romans 10:11

Quote

11 For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.

I guess presenting your bodies as a living sacrifice could be an altar call in some sort of human sacrifice ritual.

8 minutes ago, Xan said:

I love that the verses Gary tossed out don't support his case.  He's all about the KJV Bible being the final word and he can't even find support for his arguments.  Then he resorts to, "No wonder the world's going to hell. Sad day where in. I guess if it doesn't say the word it's not there..."  

Okay, Gary.  Either the Bible tells you what to do or it doesn't.  You can't have it both ways.

He is a four year old who won't play if other children don't accept his rules.

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1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

I guess presenting your bodies as a living sacrifice could be an altar call in some sort of human sacrifice ritual.

I think Gary does see the altar call as having replaced animal sacrifice, and so sees it as symbolic of sacrificing oneself. But, of course, he will never admit that he is interpreting something in the Bible to suit himself and his practices.

The idea that the particular rituals that are not described anywhere in the Bible that he likes are essential, but the ones he doesn't like (someone in that argument mentioned the rosary, for example) are unnecessary or even evil, is pretty much basic Gary (and basic fundy).

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He had the exact opposite argument a week ago or so when people were saying that the words of the Sinner's prayer isn't in the Bible but the idea is, and he was adamant that if it isn't in the KJV it's rubbish.

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8 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

And bro is mad that people work.

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That paragraph took me entirely too long to read. When on vacation they want even find time for church. People get their little bottle and rub it!? ??‍♀️
 

Also I’m at a tie dye show right now and the booth next to me is selling Paparazzi. I’m guessing Becky doesn’t sell it anymore since I haven’t seen any posts in awhile. Also I have a friend who keeps inviting me to join various MLMs and I just keep ignoring them. She’s an intelligent person too. I can’t figure out why she keeps falling for all of them and expecting to make money.

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1 hour ago, PumaLover said:

Also I’m at a tie dye show right now and the booth next to me is selling Paparazzi. I’m guessing Becky doesn’t sell it anymore since I haven’t seen any posts in awhile

Yes - Becky is Tupperware is good, all the time, all the time, Tupperware is good, now.

Gary has rejoined the mighty fight for being altered - er, for coming to the altar. Yes, really, this is his latest contribution to that argument:

Spoiler

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They or sodimutes, folks. Sounds like people living near Gomorrah who can't talk. Or large furry sled-pulling dogs that put down turf (probably because it's way too hot near Sodom for furry dogs).

Further down:

Spoiler

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I may faint - Gary used "it's" correctly.

Stopped clock . . .

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Posted (edited)

Never mind - I misunderstood something from one of Gary's commenters.

Edited by thoughtful
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  • Coconut Flan changed the title to Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

Sodimutes?  Gary delivers with another Garyism. And Gary attempting to shut down theological debates with "it KJB" will never not be funny. 

Seriously, someone ought to do a Bro Gary lexicon. 

He hasn't posted pictures of his lobster dinner?  Maybe he had to pay for it himself. 

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24 minutes ago, postscript said:

Seriously, someone ought to do a Bro Gary lexicon. 

It's on my "to do" list.

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The noble fight continues, but Gary wants to take his ball and go home.  Arthur is oblivious to the whole controversy and just wants to say hi, I guess.

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Posted (edited)

I looked at Arthur's facebook page, and it has nekkid people on it! Really! Not just what Gary calls nekkid, really nude!

I wonder what Gary thinks of that!

Spoiler

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ETA - oh, and Gary is petulant and cranky about people going to church. Again.

Spoiler

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Edited by thoughtful
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2 hours ago, postscript said:

And Gary attempting to shut down theological debates with "it KJB" will never not be funny. 

Seriously, I always think of this when he says that (video under spoiler)

Spoiler

 

 

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Aww rhyming Gary ..."sad most aren't glad they are mad"

First I read this as Gary lamenting that people don't rejoice in their insanity.

Re:Gary's comments in the altar debate, his every word shows his petulance. 

I think Arthur meant to reply the original question and say it's been a while since he responded to an  altar call 

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Oooh I think he is mad! Took his dollies and went home! Nice… *chef’s kiss

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7 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

I think Arthur meant to reply the original question and say it's been a while since he responded to an  altar call 

Oh yeah - I guess I was so dazzled by Gary's eloquence, I didn't even think of that.

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Posted (edited)
On 7/3/2021 at 6:08 AM, thoughtful said:

I love that, in all of that argument, two people try to remind the rest how to spell altar.

I wonder if Cletis Titus (one of the people who tried to get the commentariat on the same page)  is a real person. For one of GHaw's followers, the name is just too perfect

ETA: I looked him up and he is real!

https://www.tbcnow.org/cletis-titus---keynote-speaker

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

They or sodimutes, folks. Sounds like people living near Gomorrah who can't talk. Or large furry sled-pulling dogs that put down turf (probably because it's way too hot near Sodom for furry dogs).

When I played the cornet in HS band the director wanted me to have a Sodi mute, but my parents said they were too expensive, just stick a sock in it.

Edited by Black Aliss
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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

When I played the cornet in HS band the director wanted me to have a Sodi mute

Made by this guy, no doubt:

https://rammuseum.org.uk/conserving-the-vincenzo-sodi-harpsichord/

Here's how Gary is described on the church Facebook page. If he understood punctuation, he might be offended:

Spoiler

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They should have saved the lonely quote mark from Sunday, given it it's partner, and put them around "singers," as well.

The video of the Sunday morning service at Heritage Baptist Church in Nashua NH starts with all singing America.  Then Pastor Hileman comes up, and yells some stuff, including teasing them about bringing people into church "Go get 'em, bring 'em in, hook 'em, crook 'em, bribe 'em, threaten 'em," He changes to an accent - I think he's trying to imitate a Nazi in a WWII film: "You vill come to church wif me,"

Someone calls out "Jah vohl!"

Pastor continues, "Or I will ____________ (gobbledeegook I can't understand) good ta see ya, hello!" He teases someone about ruining a business, notices that "the older boy" is no longer with the Hawkinses, and has to be reminded of Becky's name.

Another pastor who thinks he's funny. Great.

Brother Hal tells them about how Gary hasn't missed a service since the beginning of Covid. He also says that Gary told him that, in the last two years, he's "spent no more than 13 hours" in his home town. After lots of "God bless" calling, Pastor Hileman offers Gary a picture of Brother Hal as a reward. He says they had cephalopods in the mailbox until he put a picture of Brother Hal in there, now there are no bugs.

Yeah, but are there still squid?

Pastor prays, Gary moans and repeats "yes," especially when he and his needs are mentioned.

The Hawkinses come up, Gary gets loud screams and whoops when he asks who's glad to be in church, and I fast-forward past the singing, but hear that Becky is still ending with Preach On.

Pastor Hileman leads them all in a reading, after lecturing them for a while about reading very slowly, and how "you are nawwt a Christian - you are nawwt a Christian, if you don't have some connection - with the word of God."

He reads very slowly, in a condescending, sing-song voice I wouldn't use to talk to a small child or animal, let alone a congregation of adults.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=deuteronomy+4%3A1-9&version=KJV

Without pause after that last verse, he says "How many think America is a great nation?" Amens from the congregation. "It's a great country, I love it, God bless 'em, I pray God bless the other countries as well, but  I thank Gawwd for America."

And he goes on to tell them that "Gawwd gave us this place," and did lots of other good things, as well. He mentions a mentor who taught him to choose which hill to die on, and not waste his time on unimportant arguments.

He goes on to talk about the US flag, telling some of it's history, and saying how now "we have important (? somebody coughed) figures openly criticize our flag." And he keeps repeating the "hill worth dying on" phrase.

He rattles on pretty predictably - at least he isn't trying to be funny for a while. After making sure they agree that the country is worth fighting for, he goes on to fighting for the right to worship and Godbother, and fighting for family.

"The United States is a dream, a destination. For. An impoverished immigrant who are tired, hungry, they're huddled masses yearning to be free."

You misquoted Emma Lazarus there, pastor. And I hope you are thinking of recent immigrants and those still wanting to come here, and not just your European ancestors.

He tells us that the founding fathers pledged "their sacred orner to preserve this bastillion of freedom." He also says it's evident from the founding documents that "America was to be a nation whose God is the Lord."

And he ends by telling them that Calvary was a hill worth dying on.

So clever. ?

They stand and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Pastor makes a big show of giving Gary the lapel microphone, and tells him it's also an "electronic tazer - when you get close to the people, they will shock you."

Gary announces "1 Timothy - 2 Timothy, chapter 4," but before he reads, we hear the usual lie about his message being something he just thought of, USA in the middle of the word Jerusalem, US founded on religious freedoms, anyone who doesn't want to stand up for America needs a "one way ticket to a communism country."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A1-8&version=KJV

He thinks another round of "the Covid" (which he makes sure they know he never made light of) is comin' around. He says it has "more to do with the government than people wanna put up for, an' it's got somethin' to do with the part listen hey, ah pers'nally believe that maybe God allowed this to come, to see what His people was gonna do, in these days.

No, Gary, it has to do with viruses mutating, and shit-for-brains people like you who refuse to get vaccinated.

"They're listen hey they're in the White House, raht now, tryin' to figure out any way, any shape and form they can to close our churches down. They're tryin' their best to git it to where we will never ever step in a pulpit or step on the street or go to a door and knock on doors to take our freedoms away."

No, Gary, they really aren't - and you might want to review how you worded that.

Gary asks if they're ready. So I guess this is the Are You Ready message again.

More old Garyshit follows, and this crowd is eating it up. Many of the responses have that feel of people trying to whip themselves up into a frenzy, rather than having genuine reactions to what Gary is saying. And it gets him going, into full quaky-voice screaming.

Spoiler

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Sinners know their sins are wrong, even if the country is legalizing pot. "Ah just thought 'bout sumpin' - it'll prob'ly be so legalized the preacher's'll be for it, maybe they'll go to smokin' some of it amen."

Gary says he heard someone give an estimate of 25% of people "that got outta church during this Covid" not coming back. "That ain't even - that ain't even a tenth of what ah b'lieve it is - ah b'lieve there's about 70-80%."

Math - how do it work?

He tells people watching on Facebook that, if they're sick, they should stay home. But, "if you're stayin' home 'n' watchin' Facebook, or watchin' any other thing, an' you're watchin' that fer your thing, an' you're not comin' to church, you will stand before God wonna these days, and you will send your family to Heyull! HAYMAYUN!"

Spoiler

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He asks if he's making sense, gets loud amens, and complains "Got about two of ya," as usual.

He picks up on the pastor's opening exhortation to get people into church, even if you have to bribe them, and says "Our government is bribin' ev - hey, you kin do whatever you want to w'this, but our government is bribing people to give 'em uh uh guns, 'n' give 'em shoppin' certificates if they'll take this shot. Mebbe our churches should take some bribes, and give somebody somethin' to get 'em to come to church."

Gary gets into the part of this message about how being saved doesn't mean you won't have pain and illness, and tells them about Marie (the pastor's wife from last week's revival) and her seizures.

"Now ah've only seen one person, this was prob'ly in mah early 20s, no, ah guess a mid-20s, that ah seen somebody have a seizure, an' it took about fahve or six people to hold him down. Ah dunno what kinda seizure that's called, but ah don't want it. Now she has a lighter version, an' she knows she has 'em, but ah watched her have prob'ly ten or 15, maybe 20  - uh - seizures. An' the last day that we was there with her, we took her to the hospital. An' ah'm drivin' down the road, ahwahnna say somethin' ah hate pain, ah listen hey - if - listen hey, if you go to gittin'  - git bloody, let me know, 'cause ah'm gittin' out the room. But she got ta - she got ta hollerin' an' screamin' an' how the pain that she was in, ah got to thinkin' listen hey, this is a woman that loves God, this is a woman that wohnts t'do somethin' for God, but wha all of a sudden does she got all these things? Ahmahnna tell ya raht now - yer gonna have afflictions."

Ah, Gary - the soul of discretion and empathy.

And he goes right to his electric chair fantasy.

Because Gary. :confusion-shrug:

Then he tells them, re Marie, "At the end of every seizure, she had a smile." Because "she was sayin' 'Thank you, Lord, it's over.'"

He tells the story of the bathroom problems at the camp meeting in Texas - this time he says it was an "explosion," and says he "thought we was gonna haveta build another Ark."

"You see what's goin' ohn in our country, it's a mess. They're sayin' out west that the whole  - part of out west is just burnin' up. It's burnin' our crops up, an' we're fixin' t'be without - food."

Gary's not so sure there's going to be a food shortage, because he knows that "not mah president" ordered trucks to sit where they were to create the fake gas shortage and scare America.

Gary never went by a gas station that he didn't "get gas at." Because he had faith in God.

Gary is so tangled up in conspiracy theories that he can't straighten out whether crises are real or invented, whether the government is out to get him, or just pretending there's a problem.

Daniel was "hangin' out with a buncha lions." But, because he had faith, God gave them "jocklaw."

He also tries to do his usual prelude to the mustard seed bit, and screws that up. When up north, he says he figures they don't know what mustard greens are, then tells them how tiny a mustard seed is. But today, he says "collard greens" instead of mustard greens.

In the middle of his wild preaching about faith, he suddenly tells them he found some gas that wasn't too expensive there in New Hampshire, and complains about what he paid in New Mexico.

Examine yourself . . . reptobate. Be sure you're saved - eternity's a long time. Sounds like the end. But he goes on for a few more minutes - I think it's just because he's having such a good time.

As the video cuts off, the congregation is applauding.

Not entertainment, my ass.

 


 

 

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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Hey, guess what? Gary is cranky and pissy because he is imagining people not going to church.

Again.

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