Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[AmazonGrace]

He will keep on being mad about that because he gets less donations if there are fewer people.

[Ozlsn]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

In the middle of his wild preaching about faith, he suddenly tells them he found some gas that wasn't too expensive there in New Hampshire, and complains about what he paid in New Mexico.

He is as fixated on this as my local facebook group. Petrol prices, all the time.

[postscript]

1 hour ago, Ozlsn said:

He is as fixated on this as my local facebook group. Petrol prices, all the time.

I wonder if it’s because gas is one of the few things he actually has to pay for out of pocket. Gas and Becky’s trips to Walmarts. He doesn’t complain about the cost of food or lodging because someone else usually pays for those. 

[smittykins]

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Now ah've only seen one person, this was prob'ly in mah early 20s, no, ah guess a mid-20s, that ah seen somebody have a seizure, an' it took about fahve or six people to hold him down.

Pro tip:  you don’t “hold down” someone having a seizure.

(Source:  widow of an epileptic who died from complications.)

[thoughtful]

7 minutes ago, smittykins said:

Pro tip:  you don’t “hold down” someone having a seizure.

(Source:  widow of an epileptic who died from complications.)

That's why I included that in the recap - Gary was being an outdated and/or just plain stupid shit-for-brains again.

I don't know whether those people were just as stupid as he is, or how well he is remembering things. But I had a job 40 years ago (so, twice as long ago as he claims he saw someone being "held down") that involved helping people who were prone to seizures, and we were taught not to restrict, just to try to keep them as safe as possible.

I have a clear memory of falling to my knees on the area around a swimming pool, so the person whose seizure was starting would fall on my chubby thighs instead of the concrete. It worked, too, and I startled myself - I never knew my reflexes were that good!

[MountainMomma]

I've just recently come over from the Rodpod to read about Bro Gary. I am startled every time I see a pic of him. He looks like my brother, it's so weird. @thoughtful I so appreciate your translation of his "sermons."

[thoughtful]

Our next category in tonight's Academy of Fundy Predictability Awards, ladies and gentlemen, is Most Self-Righteous In Gary's Altar Argument. May I have the envelope, please?

And the award goes to . . .

Spoiler

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by thoughtful
original image seems to have disintegrated!

[AmazonGrace]

I am awarding two House cup points to Hufflepuff for correct usage of "brethren".

 

Quote

Proverbs 9:8: 
Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.

Rebuke Gary and he will post a passive aggressive comment on Facebook and rant about you next Sunday.
 

[thoughtful]

And another Brother chimes in. We may have to take back that award and give it to this guy:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

More from the fight about the altar/alter call. Gary is so astute, so quick, so difficult to catch in an error. I kid, I kid:

Spoiler

And, as Jesus once said, "Thy mother wearest Army boots."

[AmazonGrace]

Gary's team is losing so he  hides the ball and won't play.  I deduct two points from the House of Gruff'n'dork.

[thoughtful]

A comment under Gary's post about not being a Christian if you skipped church for the 4th of July. Aren't you glad Jesus didn't have yard work to do, or a sudden urge to skip that uncomfortable crucifixion and go for a quick trip to the beach at Jaffa?

[AmazonGrace]

Well, you know, maybe if your dad arranged for your execution you wouldn't be so keen to invite family over either.

[Xan]

Gary's back on Facebook.  Today he graces us with:

Sorry, Gar.  I know you think that you need to have all social life revolve around the church but that just doesn't seem to be happening.

And there's also this:

What?  Is this like a rapture version of hide-and-seek?  Does Gary think that God will have trouble locating people?

[Dana723]

I am so mad!  I heard a song today that I thought would be just perfect for Gary, just begging to be parodied, and of course I've forgotten it.  Hopefully it'll come to me soon because I was laughing just thinking about it.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

What?  Is this like a rapture version of hide-and-seek?  Does Gary think that God will have trouble locating people?

I know Gary means "what will God think of your saved-ness when He finds you," but I also couldn't resist that interpretation. All I could think of was the old bit about the customer in the restaurant with stingy portions:

Waiter: How did you find your steak, sir?

Customer: I just moved a few string beans, and there it was!

[thoughtful]

As the Wednesday evening video at Victory Baptist in Middleport OH begins, they are droning Redeemed.

The pastor (?) introduces Gary, saying: "Well, I tell ya, this was kind of short notice," and mumbles a few things that make me think he doesn't really know Gary.

Gary does his usual bit of being dissatisfied with their yelling back at him when he asks "How many glad to be in church?" The Hawkins family sings, ending with Preach On. The audience - er, congregation - applauds, and Gary gets up to preach.

He does his usual introductory speech for new churches, about his burden for America, his tent, etc. He announces Daniel chapter 6, then goes off on a verbal version of his recent Facebook post about the good old days when people used to come early to church. Pastor Lee Roberson used to say that, "if you was a hour early for church, you a hour late."

And he says he "got to thinkin', today" about this message. Pretending his messages are fresh new thoughts seems to be part of the schtick now. Or maybe he believes they really are.

He says he needs to read the whole chapter, but he probably can't, because of time, but he'll read what he can. Gary, if you didn't throw in so much extraneous babble, you'd have a lot more time.

This is a reading I've never heard him use before (from the beginning - I've heard him read verse 10), so there's that. But somehow, deep in my heart, I can't help feeling I am still going to hear lots of familiar Gary spew.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+6%3A1-10&version=KJV

He does not make an auspicious start:

KJV: It pleased Darius to set over the kingdom an hundred and twenty princes
Bro Gary Version: An' it pleased Darius to set over the kingdom a hundred and twenty princesses

And he continues to read "princes" as "princesses," throughout. Feel free to insert visions of Disney characters as you read on.

KJV: Then this Daniel was preferred above the presidents and princes, because an excellent spirit was in him; and the king thought to set him over the whole realm.
BGV: Then this Daniel was present - preserved above the president and princesses, because. Excellent spee - spirit was in him and the king thought to set him over the whole rem - realm.

KJV: Then the presidents and princes sought to find occasion against Daniel concerning the kingdom; but they could find none occasion nor fault;
BGV: Then the presidents and the princesses sought to find accusation against Daniel concerning the kingdom; but they could not find none accusation nor faults;

He reads "occasion" as "accusation" again in the next verse.

KJV: All the presidents of the kingdom, the governors, and the princes, the counsellors, and the captains, have consulted together to establish a royal statute, and to make a firm decree
BGV: All the presidents of the kingdom, and the governors, and the princesses of the counsellors, and and the captains, have consulted against to extablish a royal status, and to make a firm degree

KJV: Now, O king, establish the decree, and sign the writing, that it be not changed, according to the law of the Medes and Persians, which altereth not.
BGV: Nowohking, extablish the degree, and sign the writings, that it be not charged, according to the  -  changed, according to the law of the media and Persia, which altered not.

Right after his post-reading prayer, Gary says:

"Now, if you've been in church any lengtha time, ah'm sure you're heard people preach ohn Daniel. An' Daniel purposed in his heart amen, Daniel did - hey Daniel was even wonna those who wouldn't even eat uh - eat the king's meat amen? But Daniel here, ah mean, listen hey, here we go to lookin' at it they're tryin' ta fahnd - listen, ahmanna tell ya sumpin'  - the world's lookin' - lookin' ta find out ta -  how ta destroy America. An' the world is looking to see how they can destroy - an' we'll use this word lightly - religion. Becowse America was founded on religion rahts, amen? An' we look at Daniel, ahwahnna say sumpin' to ya - it did say that they trahd to fahnd some things aginst him. It be nahce if we could have somethin' lahk that to say 'bout people today."

Got it - don't eat the king's meat, and, just like Daniel, people will see the good in Christians.

Oh, wait - there's another 45 minutes.

Damn.

With the help of the Lord, for just a few minutes, Gary wants to preach on How Will the Lord Find You On That Day.

"Now you know what? Ah believe Daniel believed the Lord was comin' ya say wha? He lived lahk a righteous man. They said they couldn't fahnd any fault in 'im, so they hadta go to the God thang, hadta go to the religious thang, and we gotta get this thing shut down.  But you know what the pre - well, lemme just say sumpin' to ya - Joe Bahden is not the president, ah don't care what nobody says. HAYMUN! Good preachin' if ah am doin' it amen."

He goes on to make some Waffle House and "still in the basement" comments, and claims that the government today is trying to "put us in Comminism. Tryin' to make us a socialism country."

Lots of familiar Garyshit follows - buy the people who want a socialism country a one-way ticket, everybody should be in church whenever there is something going on there, Gary uses Facebook for God, frenemies ("you'll figure that out after a while"), old-time preachers, Carl Lackey the muleskinner, I Love Lucy.

"The government has no business bein' in the church, but the church does have some business bein' in the government amen."

While bragging about preaching to President Nez, he adds, "He says he's a Democrat, bein' a Christian. Ahwahnna say somethin' to ya - he is a Democrat, an' ah'm not sure he's a Christian, but he may be saved."

Did you know that Gary has not made light of the pandemic - not once? It's a real thing, and people have died (but "there's been more people that have overcome it than have dahd").

"The reason the sodomahts are comin' out today is because the Christians have come out of the prayer closet and have not went back haymen."

Back to the government trying to close churches down. He's not made light of this pandemic (really!), but it "had less to do with the vahris, but it had a lot to do with trahin' to get people to stay home."

Gary screams some stuff you've all heard before, then mentions how he just lost about 10 friends on Facebook because of a recent post. Instead of telling them about the altar argument, though, he tells his old story about the Facebook Santa Claus fight first, proudly tells them he has to post these things on Facebook so people can know the truth, and does his _____ (list of Democratic politicians) are not the problem - the problem is that people stopped praying bit.

Then he gets to the altar argument.

"Ah said 'when'sa last tahm you went to the altar.' You would not believe bah the question ah asked - all ah asked was 'when'sa last tahm you went to the altar?' You would not believe how many Baptist preachers cursed me, cussed me up down one sahd, tol' me how wrong ah was, tol' me ah was not Biblical because the word altar is not in the New Testament."

I don't remember reading any cursing, Gary - just belligerent rudeness from you.

He cites his verse about sacrifice, asks "Where did they do sacrifices?" Several people call out "the altar," and he yells "HAYMAYUN! Ah thought ah was raht, amen." Then he quickly adds, "But ah'm not raht,  ah'm just - Jesus is raht, ah'm just raht bah readin' the Bahble."

Spoiler

Gary says coming to the altar is humbling yourself, decides they have to read Romans 10:11 ( For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.), and asks if they've got I Love Lucy recorded while they turn pages to find it.

I guess it's your humility before Jesus that has had you strutting like Mick Jagger, huh, Gary?

"The government shouldn't tell us when we can and can't pray."

Yes, Gary  - that's why they don't.

More pro-Trump, anti-Biden lies follow, some grumpiness when everybody doesn't yell a resounding "YES!" to what is probably his 3rd or 4th "Am ah makin' sense tonaht?"

Then he says "look in verse 22." I guess they are supposed to read his mind and realize he is back in Daniel. I'm just grateful he said "verse" instead of "verses," for once.

KJV: My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions' mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt.
BGV: Mah God hath sint his angels, and hath shut the lions' mouth, that they may not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innessey was found in me; and also before thee, Ohking, have done no hurt.

Ah, Innessey  - that's in Ireland, isn't it?   ?

God is faithful, supplies your every need, gas prices. He notices that some JillRodesque dried grass in the flower basket at his feet was knocked askew by a previous strut of his, mumbles something about how he "can't go nowhere without hurt - without doin' somethin' to somethin'," and completely loses his train of thought.

Then it comes back to him - because he's an evangelist, not a pastor, he never has money. But God provides.

That dead plant arrangement did not give its life in vain.

He returns to the gas shortage that Biden created by telling the trucks full of gas not to move. ? "Ah keepin' aware, an' ah got mah secret people that tell me mah secret things."

While doing his usual riff about Becky doing his taxes, he lies, "she'll tell me how much money they went out 'n' eat ohn - ah don't go out t'eat, they do all that, amen."

He reads verse 22 again.

Gary has never touched a lion.

Donald Trump is not the answer - Jesus is.

Gary despises pain, but he does have this fantasy about the 'lectric chair . . .

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+6%3A23&version=KJV

If you believe the news media, "you ain't got much up ohn top's all ah kin say amen. Ah'm trahin' t'be nice tonight, amen. You got a few screws loose amen. Ah'm just had a friend of ours, her screws really did come loose - ah hope she got 'em tightened up, amen."

In case you've forgotten, or didn't read that post, that's a reference to someone they know who had a metal plate removed from her head, due to infection  - so he's describing it wrong, to people who have no idea who or what he is talking about.

It's just Gary's explosive-diarrhea-stream of unconsciousness.

God is able."God could just kill Bahden an' Harrison, an' all the - all the crazy people, amen! He could do that! But He didn't see fit to do that."

Gary screams at them about humbling themselves and turning from their wicked ways, then attempts reading verse 24:

KJV: And the king commanded, and they brought those men which had accused Daniel, and they cast them into the den of lions, them, their children, and their wives; and the lions had the mastery of them, and brake all their bones in pieces or ever they came at the bottom of the den.
BGV: And the king commanded, and they brought those men which had.  Accused Daniel, and they cast them into the den of lions. Them and their children and their wahves and their lions. Had the mastery - masteries of them, and brake their bone in piece or even  - ever - or ever they came at the bottom of the den.

God will take care of your enemies. "Joe Bahden's doin' good raht now. You say wha? He's a millionaire, probably. He thinks he's doin' well! He's got more than _________ (?). He may be our enemy, but God's gonna take care of him, amen."

He does his riff about enemies coming to his funeral to make sure he's dead.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+6%3A25-26&version=KJV

He needs Becky's help to read "dominion."

He does his usual "we need to stand in these last days" spiel, KJV is the only Bible, he'll go to jail for his religious rights, every knee's gonna bow, the date he was saved, Americans are Gary's people, no matter what "collar" they are.

He tells the story of the preacher who died while putting his money in the offering plate - Gary wants to die while preaching or knocking on someone's door.

If only someone had an electric chair and a lectern on their porch, Gary could have all of his dreams come true at once.

 

Edited July 8, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Ozlsn]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary has never touched a lion.

There are many things that Gary says that crack me up, and this is so out of left field it's hilarious. How about a tiger Gary?

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It's just Gary's explosive-diarrhea-stream of unconsciousness.

Evocative and apt.

[AmazonGrace]

Don't touch a lion, you might go blind. 

[Xan]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I guess it's your humility before Jesus that has had you strutting like Mick Jagger, huh, Gary?

That was just perfect.  You're right.  It's about Gary all the time.  He likes to brag on his humility but I don't see him as humble at all.  After all we get the "Good preachin' if ah am doin' it amen".  He is an untalented man constantly in search of an audience.  It would be sad except, well, it's Gary.

I'm a little puzzled that he brought the "altar" argument into his sermon.  Anybody that can read Facebook could see that Gary is lying.  Nobody cursed at him.  Is he just so stupid that he thought no one would ever check his story?

And I'm getting pretty sick of him lying about never making light of the virus.  He has always done that.  It's a government plot.  It's a way to keep people out of church.  More people get better than die.  It's no worse than the flu.  He never stopped traveling and he never wore a mask.  I can't think of anyone who took the virus less seriously than Gary.

[Dana723]

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

That dead plant arrangement did not give its life in vain.

 

I'm reading this at work and for some reason, I have been cackling at that.

Also, I'm beginning to think that Gary can't read.

[AmazonGrace]

Why doesn't he get Becky or Jacob to do the readings for him. 

[thoughtful]

34 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Why doesn't he get Becky or Jacob to do the readings for him. 

Becky? Becky is . . . a woman!       

Not to mention that Gary has a huge ego and must be the center of attention  - er, I mean - a burden for America, and must read from the Bible himself.

Oh, and while I'm here - this is just another reminder that this Sunday is the 22nd anniversary of Gary's salvation, on July 11, 1999, at Open Door Baptist Church on Sandhill Road in Marion SC, after the service was over and they was fixin' to go get seafood, lookin' at the doors and seeing himself burning in Hell, and he doesn't remember what he said, or what the preacher preached that day. All he knows is that Jesus came by, and told him (not in words, but Gary just knew) that this was his last chance, and God wasn't going to deal with him again.

If the Lord tarries his coming, I'm planning to eat weens in commemoration of this event. Of course, mine will not be chopped up in gross pink gravy.

 

[postscript]

1 hour ago, Dana723 said:

I'm reading this at work and for some reason, I have been cackling at that.

Also, I'm beginning to think that Gary can't read.

I have long thought he is functionally illiterate. At the very least, he seems to have some sort of untreated learning disability. Which is unfortunate, considering his calling involves interpreting a somewhat cryptic book written in archaic English. I was going to say “makes his living” but decided against it after laughing hysterically at the idea of Gary earning a living.

After that salvation story, I’m picturing Gary standing in an empty church as the doors creak open of their own accord with dramatic music playing in the background, revealing a raging inferno (perhaps Gary had seen too many movies?). Then Jesus just strolls in casually, clad in robe and beard, and tells Gary, “Hey, dude. This is your last chance.” 

I’m also bemused by the whole altar call debate, considering very few of these churches have an actual altar of the kind that takes center stage in mainstream Protestant and Catholic churches (the lectern is where I would expect an altar to be). 

 

[Ozlsn]

36 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

If the Lord tarries his coming, I'm planning to eat weens in commemoration of this event. Of course, mine will not be chopped up in gross pink gravy.

I may have to join you in that. Also without gravy full stop because really, no. Trying to decide if hot dogs or cocktail franks are closer in spirit.