Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen

[Joyster]

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Becky sings the cutesy Preach On song. One of these days I need to write out the lyrics to that one.

I listened to the preacher's wife sing it when you first mentioned it and did some research.  The lyrics are a little different but located here: https://www.facebook.com/crossofchristcommunitychurch/posts/d41d8cd9/130474687127069/.  I also found in a couple of church bulletins as a poem with slightly different words. I could find no mention of it as a song.  I know 90% of the hymns or songs you mention in your recaps, and I never heard of that one!  I like the song, but not the message to Gary.

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Is this referring to people not coming to church again? Or people being underdressed at church? Or just that Gary didn't bother getting dressed much before he was saved?

He really meant himself - he does the "I'm a sinner, I deserve Hell" routine often. But, of course, Jesus won't let him go there, so he has nothing to worry about.

 He's just never added the bathrobe before.

Spoiler

Monday evening revival starts with all singing Jesus Has a Table Spread, then Victory in Jesus. The pastor asks various people (kids, I think) if they want to come up and sing, but gets no takers, so he asks for someone to take the offering. That takes a while, but he gets Jacob and another teen, and asks Jacob to say the prayer, then asks all to sing I'll Fly Away a cappella.

The Hawkins family mumbles a song that I eventually figure out is Just Any Day Now, then I Can Trust Jesus. Jacob sings In My Father's Eyes.

Gary asks who passed their fliers out. Gary passed out 13. He asks who wants to fellowship, then who wants to meet earlier tomorrow and bring some food. He promises weenie gravy on Wednesday night. "Ah don't eat that no more," but Becky will make it for everyone else.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+14%3A15-24&version=KJV

"Tonight, with the help of the Lord, ah'm gonna preach on What's Your Excuse?"

Gary says we have to stop looking at media and get our eyes on God. Then he says he watched a video last night that said the country is going into martial law.

He quotes 2 Corinthians 13:5, and says "reptobate" at the end.

Ah, back to normal.

Lots of petulance about not using electronics in church, and warnings that the devil will try to give you excuses not to go to church. He says the devil would love for him to go get a job. He has been hooked up with some big-tahm preachers, and he could have been big-tahm.

Here's Gary's description of the second man in the parable, after a short detour for his story about not liking horses (what that has to do with oxen . . . oh, never mind). This is mostly yelled, of course: "But here it is, hey you say hey! Ah have bought some ox, ah gotta go see if they're worth it, he don't know if they're crippled, he don't know if they got one leg or two legs or three legs or four legs, don't know if - ah - mebby it's blahnd ohn one sahd, mebby - ah don't know if animals kin have strokes, ah'm sure they can, he don't know nothin' about this, but he has paid for it, he has wired the money to these people, and now all of a sudden, hey, ah cain't come to church tonaht, ah gotta go ah gotta go check on some animals."

He takes off on an animal-dissing riff, talking about people who put animals before God, how somebody said Rascal looked like a rat "Ah'm jokin', ah'm jokin'."

"Ah got a pet. But ah am gonna tell ya somethin', that pet ain't gonna put before God. Ah'm gonna be in church. Ya say 'what if th'dog's about to dah?' Throw him in the ditch." Stupid-person voice: "Aw, you're cruel to animals." Back to Gary voice: "Nah, God's first.

Then another anti-media rant, unless, of course, you are using it to reach the lost, like Gary is. This includes his finally addressing something I think of whenever he does one of his "you'd better be in church" rants. Screaming: "You say 'wha are you preachin' excuses to us? We're here!'" Quieter: "Ah don't want you to git there."

Some logic, Gary.

Then he gets on them for being physically present and mentally absent, asking "Ya ever hear of dazin' off?"

No, Gary. I've heard of dozing off, being in a daze, and gazing off. Which one did you want?

He does his standing in the offering plate bit. Then he tells us about all of the errands he ran today, including Walmarts, and how the price of gas is going up because everybody's skeered but they ain't skeered enough to be in church.

He finally gets to the third excuse-maker in the parable. "There's some women that've married a man who really ain't a man, he's just a wuss. HAYMAN!" He decries henpecked men and the women who run the household.

He tells us that someone there (sounds like it was a teen-aged boy) had asked him the other day why God was so mean to women - they can't talk in church. Gary says he needs to stay in church and learn, says God don't care if a woman says "Amen" in church.

Gee, thanks, Gary.

"Ah love mah wahf dearly, but ah ain't missin' church."

So, same as the dog, Gary? Stay well, Becky, and, whatever you do, don't die on a Sunday or Wednesday, or during revival - you'll end up in a ditch.

Today's old-time preacher story is about Percy Ray, who got engaged and planned a wedding, then God told him it wasn't His will for Percy to marry. So he didn't.

"Ah'm dealin with a son o' mahn that, uh thinks he's in luuhve. Ah think ah found out he might be in lust. And that mah son and ah can talk about him amen."

Gary warns them that a bad marriage and divorccccccce is hard on children. He knows, because . . . he's been in the ministry.

You didn't think he was going to talk about his own first marriage, did you?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+3%3A13&version=KJV

The devil puts stuff on Gary's cell phone. He warns them about looking at things they shouldn't on their phones, then  goes into a long defensive ramble about how he's not aiming this at anyone, and brother Toby (the pastor) didn't tell him anything about anyone in particular. Sure, Jan.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+19%3A22&version=KJV

Americans have too much stuff. Gary says "they" are trying to get people to have two weeks of food on hand, "because of all this stuff's goin' ohn. Ma wahf says 'What're we gonna do?' We're gonna live day to day.'"

Becky: "We always do."

Gary claims that, in their storage unit, there aren't 20 things that belong just to him. Becky laughs and says "You've got 20 pieces of clothes in there."

He mocks Becky for wanting Tupperware, and people who want to keep things for sentimental reasons. He makes sure to say he could give up some things, too, and points that out. I think Gary's rule is that, if he says it applies to him, too, he can be as vicious as he wants.

He just bought life insurance (he quips "don't tell mah wahf"). This has nothing to do with anything he is saying.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+7%3A21-24&version=KJV

In his riff about being mocked like Noah was mocked, Gary imitates the people who he says scream at him for having revival when there's a pandemic going on, and tells us rhythmically that he's a whole lot safer in church than Walmarts, Dollar G'n'r'l or on the streets. "Ya say wha? This is Gowd's house."

Gary addresses anyone watching on Facebook directly:

They'd better not be staying home unless they're really sick - if they're just skeered, they're not right with God. HAYMEN!

And he immediately goes into the list of people he knows have died or are very ill with Covid, and does his old routine about assuming everyone is going to all the stores, and church is the only place they won't go.

We have to give seizure what is seizure's, but Gary's going to give to Jesus first.

Gary ends with a spiel about how he isn't better than anyone else, and he loves them, even if it doesn't sound like it sometimes, and bellows about how his flesh doesn't like church, and on and on and a "Becky come to the piana" thrown in, and on . . .

The video cuts off.

 

 

 

 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

Poor Rascal!

which son is in love? I'm thinking the older one. 

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Monday evening revival starts with all singing Jesus Has a Table Spread

Is this related to Jesus being on the throne?

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

The devil puts stuff on Gary's cell phone

 Sure Gary, that's how it got there.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Ah'm dealin with a son o' mahn that, uh thinks he's in luuhve. Ah think ah found out he might be in lust. And that mah son and ah can talk about him amen."

Run away, Gary-son! Run far and fast, and away from the awful toxic crap your father spews. Also buy contraception and learn how to use it properly if you're not wanting to become a father right now.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

You didn't think he was going to talk about his own first marriage, did you?

I wonder how many of the churches he yells at know he had a first marriage.

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

which son is in love? I'm thinking the older one. 

Yes, Caleb has been dating a woman Gary doesn't approve of. He's been snippy about it, in front of various churches (but never when Caleb is there - not sure if that's just cowardice, or Gary's warped sense of what is polite).

9 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I wonder how many of the churches he yells at know he had a first marriage.

I wonder that frequently. Even when some of Becky's kids traveled with them, did they just tell everyone they were "our children?" Do any of the pastors know them from far enough back to know the whole story? Do Gary or Becky ever confide in any of them?

He definitely leaves a lot out when addressing congregations, and it's gotten easier now that there's nobody to identify who's actually with them, other than Jacob and occasionally Caleb or Michaela.

Hmmm . . . do IFB beliefs include sins of omission?

[KWLand]

6 minutes ago, thoughtful said:Hmmm . . . do IFB beliefs include sins of omission?

I’m pretty certain fundie sins only include sins committed by someone other than themselves.  Lori not really Transformed, bro Gary and the rods seem to be the most outspoken about this.  They also seem to omit quite a bit or twist the truth.

[thoughtful]

24 minutes ago, KWLand said:

I’m pretty certain fundie sins only include sins committed by someone other than themselves.  Lori not really Transformed, bro Gary and the rods seem to be the most outspoken about this.  They also seem to omit quite a bit or twist the truth.

Oh, the people we discuss definitely lie, twist, and omit. The "I'm a sinner saved by Grace" idea, for them, seems to be more a "get out of jail free" card than a sincere admission of wrongdoing or imperfection. Say "I'm humble" and voila! You're humble!

Gary vacillates between being smug and being defensive about not needing to tell anyone what his sins are or were, because Jesus/God forgives and forgets, so nobody else needs to know what he did or didn't do.

He does rant about people not wanting to clean the church, go out soul-winning, give to missionaries, or attend church. I think that's what he'd consider sins of omission.

I just wonder if there is any sort of consensus or guideline among IFB churches. I guess not, with that "I" standing for Independent. They don't seem to have any theology beyond "believe on Jesus or burn."
 

Edited January 12, 2021 by thoughtful
clarity

[KWLand]

Many rebuke theology so maybe their statement of belief is 

-believe on Jesus

-condemn those you don’t agree with

-preach hate or intolerance

-say a prayer and get dunked

-support traveling ministers or missionaries who grift

-repeat “sinner saved by Grace” and “we love our haters” or similar before or after you tell people they are sinners and wrong.

[PumaLover]

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Ah got a pet. But ah am gonna tell ya somethin', that pet ain't gonna put before God. Ah'm gonna be in church. Ya say 'what if th'dog's about to dah?' Throw him in the ditch."

Nice, Gary.

I'm with the teenage boy who asks about why women can't speak out in church. That was one of the reasons I left. (One of many, many reasons).

I hate how he's always mocking Becky and basically putting her down, but unfortunately that seems common based on my experience with Baptist men. My ex apparently learned it from his own father. Ugh, I've been gone from the church for about 15 years now but reading these threads makes those memories pop back up!

Also, good for you Caleb. Pursue that relationship if you want, and stay far away from your father! 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

Re: Caleb's girlfriend

I hope that Gary disapproves of her is a good sign and not a sign that she's more extreme than Gary.  Hopefully she's just the wrong kind of Christian and won't let Gary baptize her. 

[Dana723]

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

So, same as the dog, Gary? Stay well, Becky, and, whatever you do, don't die on a Sunday or Wednesday, or during revival - you'll end up in a ditch.

The sad reality is...it could happen.

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

including Walmarts

But...but...I thought he hardly ever went to Walmarts?

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

They'd better not be staying home unless they're really sick - if they're just skeered, they're not right with God. HAYMEN!

No, asswipe.  I stay home a lot of the time because I work in a nursing home and I care about my residents.  When I do go out, I wear a mask and use hand sanitizer, then shower when I get home.

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, KWLand said:

-say a prayer and get dunked

Many of them, but Gary detests the idea of a sinner's prayer, and makes sure everyone knows baptism is just a ritual you should want after you are saved.

@PumaLover, good to see you here again!

8 hours ago, PumaLover said:

I hate how he's always mocking Becky and basically putting her down, but unfortunately that seems common based on my experience with Baptist men.

It seems to go both ways in Gary's family. Becky gives as good as she gets, and the zingers (often in the form of prayer requests) at the Hawkins family trailer church came from both men and women.

5 hours ago, Dana723 said:

But...but...I thought he hardly ever went to Walmarts?

He doesn't! He despahhhhses it!

Except when he doesn't despise it.

It's Gary.

There is a revival video from tonight, and this one was done after it, but I can't resist checking it out first. Gary is whistling when it begins:

Spoiler

We hear the sounds of chores getting done, by Jacob and perhaps Becky, while Gary indulges his ego.

A few times, Rascal comes up to Gary for attention, being utterly adorable, and gets none.

Spoiler

Gary starts talking about his "secret admirer." He says they haven't called in about six months.

He can't tell whether it's a woman or a man, from the voice. So he has decided the caller doesn't know what they are. He says they always call while he's in church, from a private phone number, so they're a coward.

Tonight, this person took issue with Gary's having said that Donald Trump did great things for America, and wanted him to get on Facebook and list three things.

Gary claims that Donald Trump, with God's help:

 1. created a lot of jobs.

2. "took people off of food stamps that never been off of food stamps before, in ages. That's number two!"

3. "he built the wawuhl.* Tryin' ta keep America safe.

* wall.

4. "He keered for Isril, 'cause Bahble says those that turn their back on Isril an' ah'm not gonna git it word for word, that's the ones that God turned their back on, that's the reason God's fixin' t'turn His back ohn one reason is is uh uh they're turnin' their back on Isril amen amen amen got Isril is God's chosen people. That's four things! Ah'm doin' good ain't - amen?"

"Ah'll tell ya another thing he did - he done his best, and got some things that were aborting babies was not goin' on in some places. There was places and states that Donald Trump got that stopped, with . . . God's . . . help. Yeah!"

"So hey, I done give you four things - five things, ah think it is ah've already give ya that Donald Trump done becowse God allowed him to do it ananand Donald Trump, hey there was tahms that Donald Trump would git ohn uh git ohn the news and say - ah think durin' one of his rallies one tahm whenever he was candidatin' for 2020, and he should have got 2020, anybody that voted aginst him hates th'America. HAYMUN!"

Spoiler

Well, that's about four minutes of a 13 minute video. He goes on to tell the caller that she's (now he seems to have decided it's a woman) a coward, and going to burn in Hell for not being saved (he's pretty sure she's a Catholic), and screws up the Pope/hope/dope line, as usual.

The Pope  and all priests are going to burn in Hell for rejecting Jesus Christ, the Pope says that what Jesus did on the old rugged cross didn't matter.

If she's such a Democrat, and likes socialism so much, she should "let us American people, let us patriot people" get her a one-way ticket to her "favorite socialism country."

Spoiler

Gary says that his Bible says that one day, God will laugh at her. Where is that in the Bible, Gary?

He now claims he gave "whoever you are, whatever you are" five or six things that Donald Trump did with God's help (he makes sure to explain how important that is). Now, before we mock him about that number six being a false claim, he does add another thing:

6. "he kep' a lot of people from gittin' this Coronavahrus 'cause he shet down them countries."

So there.

Enough listing, back to taunting. He tells her to go believe the left side and the socialism people, hang out with Bahden, be Harris' best friend. Gary's gonna pray for them because God told him he has to, and he doesn't want them to go to Hell (he doesn't sound convinced).

He tells her to keep calling when he's in church and leaving messages, that he likes it. He laughs maniacally.

Spoiler

He says he puts the messages on speaker phone, just to let his wife hear (well, actually he says see) how foolish they are. He says he should save them and play them on Facebook.

"Gowd may one day just strike you dead."

Oh, at about the nine minute mark, he throws in a hope that she'll get saved, because he wants her to go to Heaven. He promises, if she gets saved, she won't be a Democrat. She may not even be a Republican, just a "real patriot." Tooth suck and point.

Spoiler

He goes back to not being able to tell the gender of the caller. "This . . . person, whatever this thing is, whatever it - it  is - ah dunno, ah'm tellin' ya, you just have to listen to the voice, it's skeery." After offering to put us in touch with Becky so she can tell us the voice is scary, he says "It's just lahk mebby the demons of Hell are talkin' through that person."

Donald Trump is still president today, and Jesus will always be on the throne. After one of those two things changes, they (the democrats, I assume) may not come after the Catholics or the Jesus-only churches, because they have false doctrine, but they're coming after the Bible-believers.

After some chat about his itinerary with people who have signed on, he ends.

So, let's see. About four minutes of listing things Gary claims Donald Trump did, none of which are true and most of which I wouldn't consider positive even if they were. Then about nine minutes of insulting the caller, sounding like a deranged psychopath, and making too many pissy faces to capture.

And the pigeon struts proudly off of the chessboard.

Edited January 13, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[PumaLover]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

@PumaLover, good to see you here again!

Thank you! Just know that I've been lurking and enjoying everyone's commentary, and making sure that in my daily life I use the phrases "weens," "the Walmarts" and "OK folks." And I am proud to share that my family uses them as well. That might not actually be something to be proud of but hey, things have been weird since the fire!

So 99.99% of our community up here are Trump supporters (and proud of it) so that's another reason I've kind of only been lurking, because I have conspiracy theorists and trumpers here in my real life and I can only take so much of it. Also a lot of the new friends I've made since the fire are all about Parler (is that still a thing? And I think there's another one that a lot of them are talking about joining.) And they all think the election was stolen and they are sharing memes and reasons and I just cannot.

And then last Wednesday evening, my friend and Mr. Puma surprised me with this. She's a result of the Creek Fire (my friend had an "oops" during evacuation that resulted in puppies). I am almost 42 and have never ever had a puppy in my life, so it's a learning experience! I lost my beloved old girl over a year and a half ago and I still miss her so much, but it's fun to have a little distraction in my daily life. And no, if the dog is sick I'm taking her to a vet, not throwing her in a ditch like Jerkface Gary would.

[Ozlsn]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

6. "he kep' a lot of people from gittin' this Coronavahrus 'cause he shet down them countries."

So... He sacrificed Americans to save people in other countries? How noble of him. Because I don't know if Gary's noticed but the USA is one of the worst affected nations right now.

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Donald Trump is still president today, and Jesus will always be on the throne. After one of those two things changes

Wonder which one Gary would prefer to have change.

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

the Pope says that what Jesus did on the old rugged cross didn't matter.

... I am pretty sure the Pope did not in fact say that. Maybe you misunderstood the whole "living to honour Christ" thing there Gary?

[smittykins]

@PumaLover, she’s beautiful!  What’s her name?

[PumaLover]

8 hours ago, smittykins said:

@PumaLover, she’s beautiful!  What’s her name?

We finally decided on Molly. Mountain Molly, a play on the lyrics from my favorite John Denver song

[thoughtful]

16 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

6. "he kep' a lot of people from gittin' this Coronavahrus 'cause he shet down them countries."

So... He sacrificed Americans to save people in other countries? How noble of him. Because I don't know if Gary's noticed but the USA is one of the worst affected nations right now.

I'm sure Gary is talking about the initial ban on travel from China to the US, way back when this all started. How sad is that?

@PumaLover, Molly is just beautiful! More pictures, please.

[clese]

Satan wants gary to get a job..aaah if course.

[Ozlsn]

1 minute ago, thoughtful said:

I'm sure Gary is talking about the initial ban on travel from China to the US, way back when this all started. How sad is that?

@PumaLover, Molly is just beautiful! More pictures, please.

Oh no doubt. And it worked... except not. 

And agreed, more Molly pics!!

[Alisamer]

On 1/13/2021 at 1:02 AM, thoughtful said:

If she's such a Democrat, and likes socialism so much, she should "let us American people, let us patriot people" get her a one-way ticket to her "favorite socialism country."

I'm not the one calling, but if he and his fellow "patriots" want to get me set up in some other country I'd be happy to let them! Although frankly I'd rather THEY all go find somewhere else to live, instead. It'd raise the country's average IQ by a LOT if they all left.

Molly is super adorable! What a cutie!

Gary, however, is a cruel idiot. I can't imagine why anyone would want to listen to him speak (other than for snark material, of course!).

[thoughtful]

This may be the guy he's talking about. He seems to think moderate republicans are actually rhinos, with an h (and horns?), and wants to go to DC to speak in Trump's defense.

But it looks to me like he's been posting up a storm.

https://www.facebook.com/eric.rice.319?comment_id=Y29tbWVudDoyNTE2NjUxMDMwNDM3NDBfMjUxNzE3ODc2MzcxNzk2

ETA - his command of English reminds me of Gary's. It's not so much a "command" as a "timid suggestion."
 

Spoiler

 

Edited January 15, 2021 by thoughtful

[Xan]

On 1/14/2021 at 11:30 PM, thoughtful said:

This may be the guy he's talking about. He seems to think moderate republicans are actually rhinos, with an h (and horns?), and wants to go to DC to speak in Trump's defense.

But it looks to me like he's been posting up a storm.

https://www.facebook.com/eric.rice.319?comment_id=Y29tbWVudDoyNTE2NjUxMDMwNDM3NDBfMjUxNzE3ODc2MzcxNzk2

ETA - his command of English reminds me of Gary's. It's not so much a "command" as a "timid suggestion."
 

  Hide contents

 

Good grief.  It's not in his "spine" to "cowar"??  And "liers"??  Do they think they'll go to Hell if they learn to spell correctly?  

The distressing thing is not that there are Garys in the world.  It's that there are so many of them.

[thoughtful]

If Gary knows about the Facebook fast, he's not observing it.

Spoiler

I'm going back to listen to the revival services I missed. Tuesday evening's video begins with pre-service chit-chat still going on, and small children squirming and rolling around on the furniture.

After a prayer (Gary mumbles to Jesus), they sing Love Lifted Me, sounding like rough sailors belting out a sea chanty, then Jesus Keep Me Near the Cross. Two kids come up to sing, and the pastor makes sure that one of them knows they sing Bullfrogs and Butterflies because they are born again, not just because he caught a big bullfrog that day.

The Hawkins family sings Thank God I Am Free, God is Still Good, then Becky introduces It's Under the Blood by saying she's so glad her sins are - you guessed it - under the blood.  

Gary says they probably have enough leftovers from tonight for dinner at tomorrow night's fellowshipping. He says they got flyers made at the "liberry" because it's cheaper. He says it cost $25 to get 100 flyers made, and asks them to give money for it right then and there, sending kids to pick up the money from people who call out that they have some. He acts like an auctioneer, even asking who wants to make the first bid. He does give the money directly to the pastor, including a few bucks that Becky took our of their stash.

Gary says he's going to try not to be mean tonight, but it's hard for him. He tells them that somebody ("and don't worry 'bout who it was") "come to me last night and tryin' to think ah was mistreatin' animals. Ah don't do that."

I was just thinking "maybe not, but you make stupid jokes about it," when Gary went on to remind them that his animal won't come between him and God.

No, Gary - you won't let animals, people, and even their most desperate needs come between you and even one day of going to church. That's different, and not remotely admirable. It's more like an addiction than faith.

Gary goes on "If you wanna know, if you wanna know 'bout people doin' stuff lahk this, all ya gotta do is read Romans chapter 1, read the whole chapter, and it'll show just zackly what people think of their pets. Amen?" 

I'm pretty sure he's talking about bestiality, folks, which is often the interpretation of Romans 1:26 (thank you, Reverend Google). Good old Gary, no middle ground, no subtlety.

Gary, I have loved many an animal in my life, and I never had a moment's thought of having sex with any of them. Would you like to explain why you don't see any middle ground between "throw the dead dog in a ditch - church starts in 15 minutes" and "let's fuck Fido?"

Anyway, lest I see a dead parrot at the bottom of this post, I shall move on.

Gary's only reading one short verse to begin tonight's message:

KJV: A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
Bro Gary Version: A merry heart doeth good like a madison: but a broken spirit is a is a drah bone. Is a drah - a broken spirit is a drah -  drieth the bone.

The theme is Let's Get Happy. Oh, Gary, will you appear from behind a curtain, miraculously thinner than you were just a second ago, in tights, jacket and fedora? Please? Oooh, with the chorus boys, too!

Spoiler

 

Gary tells his story about the 8-hour (Becky: "5-hour") energy drinks, when he idiotically drank two at once. Now he's high on Jesus - that and laughter are the best "madison."

Lots of other familiar old Garycrap follows - I'm skipping the FOG stuff to save time tonight.

"We ought to be medicated up on Jesus."

To someone in the congregation: "You kin put your hand down, buddy, ah don't answer questions, ah'm here preachin' amen? _____ (unintelligible) answer questions after a while."

Another short verse - should be easy, right?

KJV: Notwithstanding in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice, because your names are written in heaven.
BGV: Notwithstanding in the ret rejoice - notwithstanding in this rejoicing not, that the spirit are subject unto you; but rather rejoice, because your name's written in the - (he freezes, and someone automatically calls out "Lamb's book of life") written in  . . . or written in . . .  heaven.

Gary says he has to get "preparated" to preach.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+97%3A11-12&version=KJV

Some of this is actually correct.

"Some people have to take depression peeyuls to keep from bein' depressed - ah just have to take Jesus."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+peter+1%3A4&version=KJV

KJV: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises:
BGJ: Wherebaaaaah oh - are given unto us excellent - exceedingly in great and precious promises:

Gary says Jacob gave a flier to someone in WhataBurger. He says the name of the business three times, and pronounces it WaterBurger. Sounds slimming, but sloppy.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+18%3A19-20&version=KJV

When Gary gets into his rant about how "they" are going to close the churches, he says they'd better "memorize up" all the Bible they can, because they are going to take your Bible away.

A voice (sounds like a teen boy) says "They ain't takin' mah bahble away."
Gary: "Oh, they will."
Kid: "'til they put me in the ground."

Great - another fanatic in the making, ready to see oppression where there is none.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah+9%3A6-7&version=KJV

The governors are back on his shoulders again. I don't think Gary really planned to read two verses there, and the second one comes out very garbled, with a real "WTF have I gotten myself into" feeling.

This is when he makes the statement that his "secret admirer" questioned - that Donald Trump achieved a lot while president.

"If the Lord tarries His comin' and we come back in 2022, and the Democrats are in office, passing these fliers out probably will be illegal."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+3%3A17&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+thessalonians+4%3A13-18&version=KJV

Gary says it would be great, "it would be O-A-K" if the Lord came back this Sunday.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+16%3A31&version=KJV

Gary doesn't want you to go to Hell. "Hell's a reality place."

Walmarts now has robots cleaning the floors. "That's what's comin' for America."

Ooooh, scary. ?

"Becky come to the piana," and, as the video cuts off, Gary is being defensive about why he always has an altar call.

Edited January 16, 2021 by thoughtful
missed a capital letter, riffle

[thoughtful]

8 minutes ago, Xan said:

It's not in his "spine" to "cowar"??

Nor is it in his "bood!" ?

Now, let's all sing some of those fountains of blood songs, with "bood" instead.

When Jesus asks you to draw nigh, is it a "boody call?"

No pun attended, of course.

[Xan]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I was just thinking "maybe not, but you make stupid jokes about it," when Gary went on to remind them that his animal won't come between him and God.

No, Gary - you won't let animals, people, and even their most desperate needs come between you and even one day of going to church. That's different, and not remotely admirable. It's more like an addiction than faith.

This is spot on.  Gary isn't about living your faith.  He just about making sure there are butts in the pews.  That's all.

I'm pretty sure he's talking about bestiality, folks, which is often the interpretation of Romans 1:26 (thank you, Reverend Google). Good old Gary, no middle ground, no subtlety.

Gary, I have loved many an animal in my life, and I never had a moment's thought of having sex with any of them. Would you like to explain why you don't see any middle ground between "throw the dead dog in a ditch - church starts in 15 minutes" and "let's fuck Fido?"

This is the funniest thing I'm going to read today.  Actually, I might come back and re-read it a few more times.  It's just that good.

 

When Gary gets into his rant about how "they" are going to close the churches, he says they'd better "memorize up" all the Bible they can, because they are going to take your Bible away.

I really don't understand where he gets this stuff.  Did Obama take away his Bible?  No.  I've never seen anyone want so much to be persecuted with no reason to believe it will happen.

Edited January 16, 2021 by Xan