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Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


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I love how people like Gary believe the Lord is always leading them to do this or that.

I wonder why he doesn't lead them (Gary, Jill, David, etc.) to get a job?  Or do they just listen when they want to? Isn't that sinful in their world?

My conscience tells me what I should and shouldn't do.  Does that make my conscience more powerful than whatever god they say they believe in?  Rhetorical question, and unlikely that Gary would even understand what I'm getting at.

I'm annoyed that they (Gary, Jill, et al) get away with so much and don't even acknowledge it.

Edited by Caroline
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Anybody want a ministry in Columbus, OH?


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6 hours ago, Jasmar said:

It will need to be a calling, translation: No pay.

Your needs will be met but your wants won't be..  where does food fall on their spectrum? Heating? Cooling? Bathing? That is remarkably vague.

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Very embroiderable:

"Your wants will be up to y'all"

I approve.

Why don't Gary and Becky sign up?

Too much like work?

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Gary always says that God will provide every need, and, if you ever go a day without food, it's because God knew you didn't really need food that day.

So there.

The latest posts are below. I wonder if Leah ever came back with the phone.








Allow with some good food!




If God let you wake up this morning, you'd better get your ass in a pew.




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Why do I think when Gary gets these calls about how such-and-such a church needs a pasture[sic] that they are offering him the position? That'd be a hard nope from our Gary, though.

Thinking about Gary's totally off-the-wall post about how the Dominion vote-counting machines were hacked right in the middle of the hearing about voter fraud in Georgia, reminded me of the late theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer's thoughts on stupidity:


“Stupidity is a more dangerous enemy of the good than malice. One may protest against evil; it can be exposed and, if need be, prevented by use of force.”

“Against stupidity we are defenseless; facts that contradict one’s prejudgment simply need not be believed, and when facts are irrefutable they are just pushed aside as inconsequential, as incidental. For that reason, greater caution is called for when dealing with a stupid person than with a malicious one.”

“It seems obvious that stupidity is less a psychological than a sociological problem. It is a particular form of the impact of historical circumstances on human beings, a psychological concomitant of certain external conditions.”

“The fact that the stupid person is often stubborn must not blind us to the fact that he speaks on behalf of an empowered group. In conversation with him, one feels that one is dealing not at all with him as a person, but with slogans and catchwords that have taken possession of him.”

“The stupid man is under a spell…[And] having become a mindless tool, the stupid person will also be capable of any evil and at the same time incapable of seeing that it is evil.”

“The Bible’s words that the ‘fear of the Lord God is the beginning of wisdom’ teaches us that a person’s inward liberation from foolishness and decision to live responsibly and intelligently before God is the only real cure to stupidity.”

Bonhoeffer, “After Ten Years”, Letters and Papers from Prison


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34 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary always says that God will provide every need, and, if you ever go a day without food, it's because God knew you didn't really need food that day.

So there.

The latest posts are below. I wonder if Leah ever came back with the phone.

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I think Gary believes that since he once worked briefly in his twenties he is now immune from any scorn about not working.  Here he's suggesting that the pastor will have to work but that it might earn him some respect.  It never occurs to Gary that he might get the same respect from honest work.

And videotaping Gary in place of having regular ministers is a horrible idea!  They'd be better off having no preacher or else taking turns reading Bible verses aloud.  Gary doesn't add any value.  Maybe he's seeking out these little churches with tiny memberships and thinks it's his duty to "save" them.   Nope.  If nobody is attending those churches, maybe it is best to just let them die and be absorbed by other churches.

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11 minutes ago, Xan said:

I think Gary believes that since he once worked briefly in his twenties he is now immune from any scorn about not working.  Here he's suggesting that the pastor will have to work but that it might earn him some respect.  It never occurs to Gary that he might get the same respect from honest work.

Yep - it's that "I've paid my dues, now I'm free and clear to just preach" mindset.

Sunday school at Blessed Hope Baptist Church in Talehqua OK looked like this:




We hear a man (the pastor?) praying, and Gary having a quiet moaning prayergasm.

This congregation is almost completely silent, other than a few quiet amens and other comments near the beginning, and Gary never exhorts them to call back to him.

Gary starts to speak, announces John 1, then rambles for a bit about how God holds control.


KJV: All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.
Bro Gary Version: All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that  - was - not  - not any thing made that was not made - that was made. Lemme read that again. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.

Other than the first two sentences in the spoiler, Gary has nothing to say about this long reading.

Spoiler for FOG (familiar old Garycrap):


God has no beginning or end, but man does. We're near the end, but no man knows when. But, since today is like the days of Noah and the days of Lot, we must be close. We need to pray for America. Gary's glad there are people going to different parts of the world, but America needs God. If we can't have revival, we can have sparks. Pray for your pasture, to make sure he has the right messages. I drove here so you can see Jesus, not Gary. Pray that we can push back the devil. You should know your Bible so you won't be embarrassed, and won't make your Savior ashamed. If you don't know nothin' just shut up. Am ah makin' sense this mornin'? In 2021, we need to have a fevrent prayer and find a prayer clowset. Pray for the people in Ohio and NY who need laborers for the work. Over 500 towns in Maine don't have a Bible-believing church. Don't quit. Bobby Roberson and how wanted to keep going until he died (including a detailed description of his ailments near the end of his life). His pamphlet says the Hawkins family wants to be a help and a blessing. Gary wants to see souls saved, saints inkiriged, and Jesus uplifted. Ah just wanna inkirige you today. We're living in a dark and wicked world. People should be seein' Jesus in us. You'll never be sinless, but you can strive to sin less. Paul said crucify your flesh daily. Gary's mouth gets him in trouble. You can guide a horse with a bit, and a ship with a little bitty sternwheel, but you can't control your tongue. Look in _________ (Bible chapter) real quick like (page turning) . . . Look in _______ (chapter),  verses ____ (single number).


Job exchewed evil. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Gary hates things that he does that he shouldn't do. He talks about his diet. He says he took the diet pills and ate one meal a day for about 7-8 weeks. Then he started (!) praying and asking God to help him, and started "extersahsin'." He says he's lost 65 pounds. If the devil could fool Eve, he can fool us. Flee from the devil, hate sin. He'd rather knock on doors up North than down South, because, for the most part, they'll tell ya the truth.


We need to be holy, not holier than thou. The only difference between Gary and a sinner out in the World is that Gary is saved. The time he stood in for the preacher in Maine with a migraine, and how he begged God and his family for something to preach, and had no answer. But he preached on sin, and a woman who'd seen Becky praying said "I don't know what y'all got, but I want it."


He actually manages to misread this. We should make a difference and get people saved. The guy who was inspired to a mission in Mexico by Gary's video, even though Gary's video was about being a missionary to America.


We need to be always praying. "Now you know yesterday, and ah did, comin' down the road, 'specially when ah get a couple those spots where the snow was comin' down a little bit heavy, and ah was talkin' to a guy this mornin' and he called me back this mornin' a little bit talked to him ___ (word I didn't understand - sounded like "Mary") 'n' everything, ah don't care much about snow, ah've never liked snow, ah told him ah said what the Bahble says it washes people white as snow, ah don't need the snow no more, amen?"

Let's see if I can interpret that attempt at a joke the way a preacher who actually speaks English would say it. "I'll admit that sometimes my prayers are for my own safety. I find myself praying spontaneously when driving in snow, that's for sure! I would prefer to avoid snow altogether. As I told a friend today, if Jesus washes us white as snow, why do we still need snow?"


KJV: Of these things put them in remembrance, charging them before the Lord that they strive not about words to no profit, but to the subverting of the hearers. Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
BGV: And of these things put them in remembrance, charging them before the Lord that they strive not - not about words to be - to no profit, but to be - but to suburb of the hearing study to shew thyself approved of the God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

Suburb of the hearing - is that what Gallaudet students call Bethesda? :nanner-drums:

Gary says he's got some friends who were trying to read the whole Bible in a month. Um, Gary, you said you were going to do that in December. I guess you never bothered to tell us when you gave up.


That verse says: Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work

So, Gary's going to tell us to accept the results of the presidential election, follow mask mandates, etc. Right? Right?

Fuggetaboutit. Just we should be ready for the end, and to be a witness for Jesus. :confusion-shrug: Gary, do you just choose verses at random?

He says Paul was charging Timothy, hesistates, then realizes he actually got it right on the first try this time, and repeats it.

He asks Jacob to bring him water, and Jacob notices that the camera is facing the wrong way. So we finally get to see the front of this church:



:tw_scream: Turn it back! Turn it back!

That dreckorating job is worthy of JillRod.


Gary said that, at dinner last night, someone he admits he has to refer to as "Grandma" because he can't remember her name said they thought she'd be dead in 2018, but here she is in 2021. Gary says it's because God wasn't through with her.

"Listen, hey, ah'm not sayin' anything - anything new, ah'm not sayin' anything, ah'm just tryin' ta rehirsh* 'n' give ya the - inkirige ya listen hey, this is a new beginning for us. Amen?"

* I think this is a Weenese invention - a mash-up of rehash and rehearse, perhaps?

"Ya shouldn't be turnin' over a new leaf, becowse it's a whole lot more filthy on the other side than it was on that side."


"We oughta wanna look as much like Christ as we possibly can."

Sometimes when he sends Jacob out at night to get something from the vehicle, Jacob comes back because he needs a flashlight. Gary says Jacob's got some things "hid so good" he needs a flashlight in the daylight.

I guess that's what happens when your 13-year-old is limited to the worldly goods he can carry in whatever tiny space you have left him in whatever vehicle you have grifted.

He decides to quote a verse he didn't plan on, but just read this morning, and can't find it. He says it's something like "Be perfect as your father is perfect." It's Matthew 5:48, Gary - see, an electronic Bible has its advantages!

Gary says that, the other day, he ate the first sweet thing he's had since June - a piece of strawberry pie "but it was uns- it was the uh - one without sugar, whatever  - for the diabetics."

"Mah wahf had somebody to ask her to be her friend on Facebook the other day, 'n' you gotta be keerful who you friend. 'N' here she is is askin' all these questions 'n' all these questions 'n' ohn 'n' ohn 'n' ohn 'n' ohn ananand most times what they what they do that is they're robots and they're just somebod - and ah and ah just started tellin' her well you know an' ah asked her ah said 'Do you go to church? Do ya - whataya - are ya saved?' And then she just put it out there and she says 'Well, ah pray once in a whahl.' And ah said 'Well, God hates that.' 'N' she come back, 'n' finally ah blocked her, because ah figured out it was just somebody out there askin' way too many questions amen? But we need to hate sin."

Gary tells us he "seen" one of his daughters the other day, for the first time in three years. He says he was glad to see her, glad she told him she loved him and gave him a hug, but he knew his obligation, and asked "How you and God doin'?"

At the end, as he comes down toward the camera, he says "Amen, you're dismissed. Ah guess the preacher's back there cookin' dinner."

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The video of the Sunday morning service at Blessed Hope starts with the pastor playing  the piano and saying "There is no other way to be happy in Jesus, except to trust and obey. Everybody up."

Accompanied by the piano and a small boy with a mandolin, they sing, of course, Trust and Obey

The pastor comes to the lectern, and asks them to look at Proverbs.


He makes announcements, and is almost as clumsy as Gary, asking them to turn to various places in the church bulletin, then changing his mind. He says he made up the slogan "A new you for a new year" several years ago, and that the theme for this week's revival is God's Will Be Done in 2021.

"With God on our side, we can have a happy happy new year starting this week."

When introducing the Hawkinses, he says they had "about three kids, ah guess, that moved away, or somethin' - what happened?" Becky assures him that they grew up.

He reads some things in the bulletin - I think they are captions on cartoons - a wife telling her husband that, even if he didn't like the sermon, he can't ask for his money back, and a kid saying his favorite part of the service was when the preacher yelled and Dad woke up and fell off of the pew. He goes on to read some other stuff from the bulletin. I struggle to stay awake.

He praises Grandma Eliza for the decorations and flowers "My goodness, Grandmaw, looks good, don't it? Looks good!" He turns to look at the back wall "I mean, I told her, y'know, I held that ladder for her when she was climbing up, y'know. I'm just kiddin'."

He assures them that God is giving Brother Gary messages just for them, exhorts them to invite people to revival, and asks Gary and co. to come to the piano.

The Hawkinses come up. Gary yells "It's good to be in church, ain't it?" and settles for a quiet Amen from 2-3 people, without doing the follow-up. They stumble through Casting All Your Care , drone It's About the Cross, and Becky introduces and sings the cutesy Preach On song that a woman sang for them several months ago.

The pastor praises Becky's ability to learn the piano in only a year. He asks if she took lessons, and she says "No. It's from God." He asks if she learned by ear, as he did, and she says "By chords." He compliments Jacob's singing, and says something I can't quite sort out, but, based on his gestures and what I understood, it's clearly about his voice being recently changed, and just settling.

So, pastor, you've shown your musical knowledge, and were sort of complimentary, but it all would have been nicer in private, instead of grilling a beginning pianist and embarrassing an adolescent in front of everyone.

After the offering (pastor plays Victory In Jesus on the piano and someone whistles along) , Gary comes up.



He wants to say what God wants, not what Gary wants. Old rugged crossssss (five times, with a hiss of varying lengths at the end), born of a virgin, old old story. Jesus and God never had a beginning - they've always been. Thank God Jesus didn't stay a babe, whether he was born on December 25 of not. It ain't black lives or white lives, it's whosoever would come to the realization that they was a sinner and got borned again  - God wrote that down, decades ago. God came by on July 11, 1999 (twice). God save Gary even though he had been raised in a preacher's home. The statue in Mexico, Catholics believe Mary can get you to Heaven, but Mary had to accept Christ just like Gary. He is the savior of the world, but only of those who accept him. Jacob thinks he knows everything because he's a teenager. In some countries, people have to go underground to have church.


When you go to Walmarts or to have your car repaired or to the doctor, talk about Jesus. There's a hell to shun and a heaven to gain.


Gary lists all of the things that God/Jesus has done for him, which are, of course, worldly comforts that other people have provided for him. He talks about how he never closed down for any part of 2020. Gary says it's because he was praising God. You should embarrass your flesh by playing Christian music in your car in public. Jesus went to the cross for our sins, because he had none. The (symbolic) courtroom Gary was in, when the judge was about to bring down his hammer, but mercy walked in. Describing how Jesus was beaten upown and mowked. Blood, blood, blood - it worshed Gary's sins away. Some religions have Jesus still on the cross, some have him still in the tomb.


With lots of errors, of course. Gary escalates to yelling mode almost right away, and gets some yells back.

"Just for a little bit awana preach ohn The Beginning and the Ending of Our Lord and Savior Here on Earth."


KJV: And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
Bro Gary Version: And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that he she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no inn for - because there was no room for them in the inn.

He was borned! Gary screws up the smell joke even worse this time, making it sound like Jesus is the one who stank. He also does some weird things with another part of the story. This is one stream of unconsciousness, so fasten your seat belts:

"Now awana say, ah don't know how many of ya's ever been raised on whatever farm or whatever, and uh and the smell that they got 'n' everything, but, you know what, our Lord and Savior was borned, ananand he was borned that day, He prob'ly had a smell like nobody's ever had a smell amen - smella donkeys 'n' cows 'n' pigs 'n' all those differen' kindsa things. And awana say not only was he borned, he was borned of a virgin amen? We unnerstand that Joseph and Mary was uh in the part of bein' engaged, and  probably already come together as husband and wife but they never came together in part with child 'til after that the Lord Jesus Christ was come you say how did that happen? Well, the Lord Jesus Christ planted the seed of Jesus in the wound of Mary, amen?"

No, that's not a typo on my part - he said wound.

"We're blessed. we all, far as ah know, hey, me and mah wahf was talkin' about comin' up the road, y'know ya see, uh, she was seein' some things on Facebook there, whatever, they - uh, the Amish people, ands back in the days, ya rode horses ta git where you was goin', now somma y'all might remember that a little bit more'n ah did, ah never, ah don't keer much about horses, listen ah rode a horse the last tahm ah rode a horse, it took me about a month to learn how to walk and ah just ain't innerested in doin' that agin amen." Long pause. "Y'know what, we was all blessed to git in that vehicle this mornin', with the 27 degree weather, to have some heat in our vehicle amen."

Ohhhhh - there was a point!

A comment pops up:



KJV: We found this fellow perverting the nation, and forbidding to give tribute to Caesar, saying that he himself is Christ a King.
BGV: We found this fellow perventing - perverting the nation, and forbidding to give tribute to seizure, saying that he himself is Christ the King - Christ a King.

Jesus went to the judgment hall - he was judged.


They had to fight the other two to get 'em down (he doesn't use the obvious props behind him), but Jesus laid his life down willingly.



KJV:  (The same had not consented to the counsel and deed of them;) he was of Arimathaea
BGV: (The same had not consented to the counsels and dead of them;) he was of the Arthamith

KJV:  sepulchre
BGV: SEPticker

The devil was havin' a heyday after two days, claiming Jesus wasn't coming back.

The video ends with Gary telling them to stop worrying, and screaming "If you think ah want the Democrats to git in you're wrong, ah ain't sayin' that, but we can pra -"

I wonder what that last word was.  😁


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That article and him reposting it pisses me off! My daughters (twins) found out last week they were exposed to covid through a classmate. Even though all precautions were in place (masks, no physical contact, etc.) I called their pediatrician, brought them for testing, and was told it was best to quarantine regardless of the results because the tests aren't 100% and even if they don't have any symptoms, they (or myself) could pass it to someone else. The next day we found out the tests were negative, however, my husband (long haul truck driver) had to spend his few days home at my brothers house to not risk his health and I'm quarantined along with them.

My husband brought us groceries today and I couldn't even hug him! We had to sit outside, distance between us, with masks on! My brother picked up prescription refills and left them on my doorstep so I don't risk infecting the clerk working at the Walgreens drive up window! I'm so pissed because I'm doing everything possible to keep from inadvertently infecting someone, no matter how small the possibility, and he is posting STUPIDITY! I know I'm doing the right thing to protect others but reading this just makes me sick to my stomach. 

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10 hours ago, Conundrum said:

We had to sit outside, distance between us, with masks on!

And there's the difference between you and these idiots. Even without the rest of your post, I would have known that, when you say "had to," you mean "chose to, because we understand why it's important, because nature forced us into it." You mean it the way someone would say "I have to put on boots and a coat, because there's a foot of snow on the ground and it's freezing cold out."

Gary and his ilk still react like they are small children, trapped in a world where the grownups are forcing them to do things, and thinking they are proudly rebelling against some evil controlling force.

Besides all of the right-wing, Trumpster, superior-Christian (but pretending to be humble) shit, Gary is also a narcissist. Having lived with narcissists, I can tell you that the simplest request can be met with pouting  and resistance, and complaints that you are making up rules that they have to follow.

I swear, if you noticed that one of these idiots was about to sit on a shard of broken glass and warned them, you'd get the adult version of "you're not the boss of me!"





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21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells us he "seen" one of his daughters the other day, for the first time in three years. 

Ugh. I know it's not cool of me, but I cannot stand when people use "seen" like that. If I hear someone say that my brain immediately drops my estimation of their intelligence by at least half. 

And OMG that church. It looks like somebody went dumpster-diving at some sort of Dollar Store version of Hobby Lobby. 

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I swear, if you noticed that one of these idiots was about to sit on a shard of broken glass and warned them, you'd get the adult version of "you're not the boss of me!"

They should just be honest and put that on their flags and stuff. A face with the tongue stuck out and "You're not the boss of me!"

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Sunday evening service at Blessed Hope starts with the pastor playing  the piano and saying "It's not any trouble, oh no! It's a blessing and a privilege, to follow the Lord, amen." He goes on for a while about picking up a prayer list from the back of the church. Then they sing Follow On.

It seems this is his regular schtick - it's very show-biz, like a lounge pianist. The little mandolin player is there again. Based on resemblance, I suspect he is the pastor's son.

The pastor says he has just gotten texts about several more people (I think he says family members) who have been diagnosed with Covid, including one who was taken to the hospital and "couldn't breathe." He says they are young people, nurses and hospital staff. He says he's "in the forefront of it all" doing hospice care, and that the Covid patients he visits don't even know who he is because he's "got everything on," because he doesn't want to expose his kids or mom when he comes back out.

I can't hear all of it because (wait for it . . . ) someone is coughing loudly and steadily in the congregation.

The connection that they should not all be in a room together for the third time in one day, maskless, close together, talking and singing, is, of course, lost on them.

Prayer follows (Gary amens and moans "Oh, God, yes" whenever his own name is mentioned), including reminding everyone that Covid is real and serious, and the US is the greatest country in the world, "we pray God for the exposure of the election fraud that happened in November, God please bring out the truth, we ask."

I think the truth came out in that phone call from Trump to Raffensperger, dude.

He prays for the "big decisions" that are going to be made on the 5th and 20th (that's 6th, not 5th, idiot, and there are no decisions being made, just rituals to go through).

ETA - it occurred to me that maybe he meant the Georgia runoff, which is on the 5th. I apologize, Pastor. But you're still an idiot.

After a very long list of individual names, he asks general prayers for the church members, as follows: "bless all those who've been faithful, even amongst this pandemic" and "our fallen church members, those who are just using, Lord, the pandemic to not even try to come back."


He thanks God for the new junior church building they are working on, and prays that they can finish it by springtime. So some money must be coming in to this church.

He asks God to send a faithful piano player and a Godly song leader. I wonder if they lost the ones they had due to Covid-19, either through illness/death or because they are now "fallen" because they have enough sense to stay home.

He returns to the piano, mandolin boy comes up, and pastor does his lounge-piano intro for Footsteps of Jesus. All sing. A cute little girl does a special of Joy to the World. She looks like Jill dressed her:



But, unlike Jill's kids, she gets to sway and fidget naturally as she sings. She's young enough to barely be able to pronounce the words, but pretty well in tune and using a natural treble voice. I suspect she's also the pastor's child, and I think there's a real love of music and some good ears and skills in that family, if so. Shame it's being used for such warped beliefs and dangerous practices.

Mandolin kid returns, pastor does his cheesy lounge-piano intro (I'm thinking this guy needs a brandy glass on the piano instead of collection plates), and they sing I'll Fly Away. He reminisces about a Gospel group he had between getting saved and getting called as an evangelist, called Blessed Assurance, and then they sing the hymn of that name.

Slick segue, pastor.

Gary comes up, and so we need the FOG spoiler:


This time, Gary does the "how many glad to be in church/thought this was a Baptist church/'bout half of ya amen" thing - I guess his expectations of them are growing. When he comes up again to preach, he reminds them to take a Hawkins prayer card and put it on the fridge, because that's where Baptist always are.

The Hawkins family belts Standing on the Solid Rock and drones this song, which I could not find anywhere else. Becky sings the song about nobody praying with Jesus.

After praising her singing, the ever-sensitive pastor says: "Iwana say somethin' here, I don't think she would mind, but, uh, she has had a praise report of being able to lose 78 pounds, which is the last time she was with us. My goodness, I said how in the world did you do that? Lemme know! But, uh, she told me how, and uh, I commend you, I do. I don't remember her being, uh . . .  that big, I guess you could say, I guess, just to look at her."

I can see a small difference in Becky, but I think you misheard the number there, pastor.

He goes on: "Brother Gary still looks the same, amen, still looks the same. But, uh, he's lost some weight too. So, uh, wonderful thing about Brother Gary is that he has quit soda," and he goes on about the benefits of drinking water.

Throughout this, Becky is silent except for a few nervous-sounding giggles and reminding the pastor how long ago Gary gave up soda, and that he drinks coffee, not tea. Gary is sprawled on a chair, fidgeting with this hands, looking for all the world like a little kid being embarrassed by adults:



So, is this guy just phenomenally insensitive, or is making people squirm by "praising" them in front of everyone how he gets his jollies?

Prayer and offering, as the cougher starts up again and hacks away, and Gary moans "Oh, Lord" when his name is mentioned. Pastor plays Amazing Grace, with some unusual chord choices, and the whistling again, as the collection is taken.

Gary comes up to preach, and I need to post this and come back to finish it after work. It seems the pastor is enough of a piece of work to deserve his own post!

Edited by thoughtful
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4 hours ago, Alisamer said:

They should just be honest and put that on their flags and stuff. A face with the tongue stuck out and "You're not the boss of me!"

That'd be their gadsden flags.

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6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I don't remember her being, uh . . .  that big, I guess you could say, I guess, just to look at her."

Gary is sprawled on a chair, fidgeting with this hands, looking for all the world like a little kid being embarrassed by adults:

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As someone whose weight has been up and down for most of my life, and who gets self-conscious enough when someone notices when I've lost weight (because the implication is that they noticed when I was larger), I would melt with embarrassment if someone flat out publicly said that about me.

Secondly, thank you for that description before the photo.  I laughed loudly enough to startle my sleeping pup.  He really does look like a petulant little boy.

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Before I get to Gary's message from Sunday night, I have to go back to the Pastor and the musical skills of the (his?) kids. I put it under a spoiler, so as not to bore anyone who's not a music education geek like me!


The boy who plays the mandolin always comes up behind the pastor at the piano, checks to see what hymn he's working his way up to with his lounge act, then goes up to the lectern to play. As far as I can tell, he's choosing chords based on memory of the hymn and perhaps ear, and not reading anything.


After the little girl sings Joy to the World, he does this, then looks puzzled, goes back to the piano to look, then comes back up front again. I realized that the pastor was not using the harmony of the upcoming hymn under his spiel - he was still noodling around with Joy to the World, and the boy knew his chords sounded wrong.

A lot of the hymns they sing only use the three primary chords of a key, built on the 1st, 4th and 5th notes of the scale. So it is pretty easy to learn the changes for many of them. But it's still a sign of their learning pieces based on ear and the underlying harmonic structure, which is a good thing.

It can be a basis for a more sophisticated music education, and lead to reading with understanding. I'm sad that these kids probably won't get that, and will only use their musical skills for their small-minded church world.

Bro Gary reads


"With the help of the Lord, for just a few minutes, awana preach ohn What's Your Plan?"



We're in the last/per'lous/different tahms. The foolishness of preachin, not foolish preachin'. The little girl in upstate New York, where he "deals with" a lot of Catholics, whose mother took her out after 20 minutes, but she remembered something from the sermon some time later (he made it sound like a year or more last time he told this story, now it sounds like a few weeks. It's Gary - who knows if any of it is true). We need to redeem the time. The Lord's soon comin'. People are dyin', left and right, whether it's Covid or a heart attack. Gary's got lost loved ones, as does Becky. Gary doesn't care what the Governors or the Senators or the Presidents say, church is issintial. Borned agin saved by the grace of God. Deathburialandressurection. I mean listen hey. Ya say wha? Jesus was beaten upohn and spitten upohn. Old rugged cross (only two times!). Shed His precious blood. They hated Him, and your friends will leave you if you talk about God. Ah don't intintionally do this, but ah make people mad just because of the way ah act and preach and stand in these last days. They're wrong, and Gary's right, because he's doing what God tells him to do. If all mah children were happy with me, ah wouldn't be doin' right. Am ah makin' sense tonight? Gary's not doing this for himself, he's doing it for Jesus. Isril's up on the shelf because they cursed God and left Him. Gary ain't in a competition, he preaches the way God tells him to. Abraham just went when God told him. Gary tells the story of his deciding to go on the road. You don't get many whuppins when you obey God. When he did right as a child and obeyed, his Mama didn't whup him. If Gary does wrong in Walmarts, God don't wait until he gits home to take keer of it. Sometimes he starts an argument with Becky just so they can make up.


He'd be over in the corner fellowshippin' with John the Baptist, 'cause they were the only two bad preachers. Apostle Paul was a tentmaker, so while he was preachin', he was workin'. The whole rant about young/college educated preachers not wanting to work a job, like Gary did (part-time) before he went into full-time evangelism. It is appointed unto man once to die. People say they are ready for Heaven and the street of gold, but are they ready for the judgment? You want to have gold crowns to throw at Jesus' feet, not the ashes of wood and hay. If you woke up today, God's not finished with you. Take gospel tracts and your Bible to work, to Walmarts, etc. The closer we get to the end, the less people want to go to church. Old time preachers, back in the days. In the old days, they knew someone was going to Hell because they was screaming (he screeches incredibly loudly), but now they got 'em so doped up you can't tell. The veteran who told him people must not like him, because of his hard preaching. Gary's fine with the people who don't like him because he's mean. All saved people are not Christians - Christians are Christ-like.


Be sure you're saved, because eternity is a long time. The rich man in Hell, because he rejected Jesus. Ron Beatty and Return of America, in the politician rem (I think "realm" was Gary's word of the day), tryin' ta keep North Ca'olina 'bout half decent, not doin' too good raht now but. Ron was told he couldn't pray to Jesus in his opening prayer for a rally. Allah and Buddha are in Hell because they rejected Jesus Christ. Gary lists a bunch of things he has and doesn't deserve.


He rattles this off so fast that there are practically no consonants. The grass is greener on God's side. When somebody dies it's sad, but Gary has a comforter.

"Outside of the religious rem*, or the church rem, awana say it is a good thing to have a good job, amen? But that's not the most important thing."

* realm

He announces this reading:


He gets two verses in, then starts mumbling that it's not what he wanted. This time, at least, it's not too far away:


It takes sacrifice to be in God's perfect will. "Awana say somethin' to ya, if you're not workin', it's God's perfect will that you're here every naht."

Gary says it's also OK to stay home if you're sick. Just so you know.

People tell him it would be easier for him to just settle down and get him a church. "You know what, it may would be easier, ah don't know, ah just tell ya this much, ah'm not even sure if ah pastured a church mah wahf would even be a member of it, amen?"

Ah, the false modesty routine - you do it all the time, Gary, but your swagger belies it. Gary assures them that having his own church is not God's will for his life, and he's right where God wants him to be. He's sure because his schedule is full, and, even when there's a cancellation, he gets it filled in, at least partially, "'Cowse ahhhh . . . am doing . . . the weel . . . of mah Father amen!"

Sure, Jan.

Gary, unlike a pastor, you have no consequences, no responsibilities. There are no expectations of caring for people through the long haul, going to boring meetings, coming up with four new messages every week,  working for a living or being responsible for a building and its care. You don't pay a mortgage or rent or need to keep a house furnished and repaired and groceries on hand, or do any household chores.

Where God wants you to be, huh? Somehow I think there is something else at play here.


He actually stops after the first statement in verse 23.

KJV:  delivered unto them his goods.
Bro Gary Version: delivered unto them his goodwill - ah mean, his goods.

KJV: And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
BGV: And unto the one he gave five talents, and to the other two, and to another one, and to the other -  to every man according to his serval ability; and straightway looked his journey.



You talking to me?


I don't think Gary even wants to use the parable of the talents for anything - I think he just wanted to get to "Well done, thy good and faithful servant."

Gary says he has a friend "going through cancer" who asked him "Why is it all the good people are dying, and some of us have to stay back and suffer?"

Gary actually admits he doesn't have an answer to that question. Such humility.

Gary talks about Becky's learning the piano, then yells that he told her she had to, after they were left with no instrumentalists other than Jacob and his mandolin.


Gary reads almost none of this correctly.

"Ah have been to some strange placessss.* Ah have eat some strange food. *Matter of fact, whahl ah'm thinkin' about it, Brother Bill, if y'all don't mahnd, tomorrow naht, ah'd lahk for y'all to sing Amazin' Grace in Cherokee on more tahm . . . this sahd of Heaven. Maybe you'll do it  in Heaven a whole lot more."

*Becky gives a heartfelt "amen" in each pause.

Gary's train of thought went from strange places and food to hearing a hymn in Cherokee - just the kind of othering generality a bigot comes by naturally.

He reminds us again that he never "set down" during the whole "pandemic tahm," while other pastures and preachers had nothing to do. This time he says "Ah don't know wha, but ah just - ah thank God for it."

Gary, I thought it was because you are in God's perfect will!

He tells the story about how he "did something wrong" (and he won't say what it is because it's under the blood) in a church in Alabama years ago, and how God kept after him about it. He adds a new twist, saying "Gawwwd  . . . was all over me, lahk ugly on a monkey." He tells them to quit tryin' to figure out what it is, because it's under the blood and God done forgive him and He won't bring it back up.

Gary, I doubt anybody had time to wonder what your big sin was, during that incoherent rant.

"Ah'm aginst college, and if you ain't, jest leave me alone."

A few minutes later, Gary is screaming about how he wants to learn more, and is so glad he grew up under old- time preachers like his Daddy, who taught him to have an open mind.


He rambles about the missions that church supports, and how he's glad they're going to help a woman whose missionary husband died, until she can find a place.

Gary says his wife does his taxes every year, and he don't know nothin' about it, so if she cheats, she can talk to God about it one day. Gary claims they declare (well, he doesn't know that word - he says they turn it in) everything, even things "ah don't even have to count, sometimes."

Gary listened to a friend whose wife died about three months ago tell him about how sad Christmas was without her, and how he is helpless and doesn't even know what clothes to wear. Gary says he "had a listening ear," because that's what the man needed.

I hope you are telling the truth, Gary, but I have a hard time imagining you just listening to anyone for more than about 3-4 seconds.


KJV: for thou heardest in that day how the Anakims were there
BGV: for that - for thou heareth in the days how the Anta - Antakin were there

Ask God for your mountain and He will give it to you.


Gary's not telling you you're lost, he doesn't know who in there is lost, but it's his obligation to tell you you better make sure you're saved. Make your plans around God's will.

Bro Gary is getting to my mind. While playing Banangrams with my mother last night, I was checking to find out if I had a verb on which I could add an "ed" ending. My eye fell on "born," and then I had to explain to my mother why I was laughing at myself.


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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It can be a basis for a more sophisticated music education, and lead to reading with understanding. I'm sad that these kids probably won't get that, and will only use their musical skills for their small-minded church world.

I can live in hope that sinful, "secular" music like Handel's Messiah, or Bach's Mass in Minor, or even Guy Sebastian gives them a broader appreciation and lets them escape.

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Monday night revival meeting at Blessed Hope looks like this:



And you thought it looked sickening right side up! Sideways is even worse!

Gary says:


As the video begins, the pastor is saying "One day Christ will return and take us all home, what Grandmaw's been longing for, for a long time."

As he continues to pray, Gary moans his answers. It seems we are up to the offering prayer at this point. Pastor plays a hymn I don't recognize on the piano, with lots of wrong notes (wrong enough that I can tell even not knowing the melody) and strange chord choices.

Have I mentioned that the piano sounds horrible? Rinky-tink and out of tune.

The Hawkinses drone and honk I Can Trust Jesus, then Jesus Passed By. Jacob sings In My Father's Eyes.

Gary asks them to turn to Exodussssss chapter 12, then goes off on a tangent about how Lester Roloff used to preach on whatever he'd read in the Bible that day, and sometimes Gary prays that he will get something he can preach on when he reads.


Lots of errors, of which the funniest or most exasperating are:

KJV: This month shall be unto you the beginning of months: it shall be the first month of the year to you.
Bro Gary Version: This month shall be unto you the beginning of the month: it shall be the first month of the year to you. Ain't we there, in January, amen?

KJV: Speak ye unto all the congregation of Israel, saying, In the tenth day of this month they shall take to them every man a lamb
BGV: Speak ye unto all the congregation of Isril, saying, In the tenth day of the tenth month they shall take to them every man a lamb

KJV: Eat not of it raw, nor sodden at all with water, but roast with fire; his head with his legs, and with the purtenance thereof.
BGV: Eat not of the raw, nor Sodom at all with water, but roast with fahr; his head with his legs, and with the puh - purtensions toward - thereof.

KJV: I will execute judgment
BGV: I will excuse judgment

There's a moaner in this congregation, who mooooos loudly as Gary gets to places in the reading that he likes.

"With the help of the Lord, ah just wanna preach a little bit on When the Lord Passes Bah."

Other than taking the idea of God passing by, Gary does absolutely nothing with what he read.

I don't have the time for the FOG list today, and most of this message is just Gary rhythmically and very quickly roaring and screaming things we've heard many times before, with a sudden drop in volume at the end of a thought, and lots of hissing. The only new things are below.

While trying to tell a story, Gary can't remember the name of the church where it happened, yells "Old Tahm Baptist Church? What's the name of the church?" Becky answers him "Old Country," but he keeps yelling "Old! Old! Old what?" and it takes a few tries.

At Old Country church, he met another man named Gary Hawkins. Gary thinks they might have been kin. We find out that Gary's grandfather came from Bedford Virginia, and he's not going to tell us the story of how they ended up in North Carolina.

This, of course, has nothing to do with his lesson.

While commenting on the story of the loaves and fishes, Gary jokes: "They get full, hallelujah - evidently, they had the surgery mah wahf had maybe during the Bahble days, ah don't know."


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Hey, gang! Guess what happened when Gary woke up this morning!






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43 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Hey, gang! Guess what happened when Gary woke up this morning!

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Dontcha hate when you wake up in the morning and really have to pee but God is on the throne and won't come out?


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Still anxiously awaiting January 21, and then we'll see how Gary reacts.

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Wondered for the briefest of moments if he might be in the DC mob then realized that’d take too much effort for ol’ Gar. Sure he was cheering him on from the armchair.

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This morning, Gary says that if you don't love Jesus, there's a probably.


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