Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen

[thoughtful]

@Ozlsn, old Will would be proud of you. I certainly am.

Spoiler

Gary was in his place, the place he loves to be - at the front of the church, ranting away. He was at Concord Baptist Church in Lexington SC (I lived in New England for a long time, and thinking of Lexington and Concord in South Carolina is giving me a giggle).

As the video begins, two young women are shout-singing I Believe God a cappella. As the Hawkinses come up, we see a door behind the  - well, I can't call it a dais or altar, because they really don't have either, but behind what everyone is looking at -  open, and a man looks out, then goes back to doing something in there.

Spoiler

The banners on the pianos remind me of the Budweiser (or, as Gary calls it, Bud-dumber) logo.

Time for the "Gary, get some new material" spoiler.

Spoiler

How many of ya glad/thought I was in a Baptist Church/'bout half of ya. They laugh at this as if it was high comedy, and a man calls out "more 'n normal." We're in the last days, we're soon gettin' outta here. It's not just the Methodists and the Catholics and the Jehovah's Witnesses and the Holy Rollers, there's bad stuff going on in Baptist churches, too.  A preacher once said he was so independent he didn't need God. Stupid-person voice to imitate people who only come to church for fear the deacon or the pastor will call them afterward. Revelations. He hasn't downplayed the vahrus, but people have quit lovin' the church. People are afraid because they watch TV, where they all lie. Gary claims he had the Covid before they even knew it existed - in February, and he should be dead because he has lung problems, but God wasn't finished with him. Gary's not lookin' for Facebook followers - ya ought to foller Jesus amen. Covid didn't kill Brother Sammy Allen and Gary don't care who gets mad at him for sayin' so. The LOVE for the CHURCH! It ain't the buildin'. You ought to love your pasture. His wife don't like him to say it, but he hired her to tickle his ears, not his preacher (someday I would love for someone to call out "what are you, a Ferengi?"). October is pasture appreciation month, but what about his family? Gary's the head of his house, but his wife is important to the ministry. Gary can't imagine what he'd be wearing if it weren't for Becky - he has no idear which end of an iron you even use. Love one another, because the devil is trying to split you up. When "he" (the governor of Virginia, in this case) said churches could meet at 50% capacity, pastures called the faithful, who they knew would come, and they all had excuses why they didn't want to come back to church. But if you're sick, stay home. You ain't havin' fun in church because the songs have got old to ya. Gary's stickin' with the old stuff. Amazin' Grace, Nothin' But the Blood. Smoke machines, turkeys havin' seizures. You can git too wild with it, and you can git too dead with it. Gary mentions the martyrs book, and tells us that he can't pronounce the name of it, but church meant somethin' to those people. But somebody in there said "forgive them, for they know not what they do," like Jesus, when being burnt to the stake or crucified, or whatever. If you change your music, you'll change from a bahble to just a book. The NIV puts "blood" down in the commentary part. We've got a bunch of sissies for preachers today. All of Gary's children except Sofia have learned to play instruments.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+2%3A4-5&version=KJV

If ya don't know what you're talking about, sit down and shut up. Don Green stays quiet, but his preaching is powerful. Most preachers are gutless cowards. Carl Lackey and John the Baptist named the sin and the sinner. Sin is what put mah Jesus on the cross. Johnny Jones preaches with tears. There's churches the people would love for me to come back, but the preacher cain't handle it. Gary won't preach at his children's funerals, if they didn't live right. If that makes them mad, he really don't give a flip any more.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+29%3A18&version=KJV

He still can't find anyone having live church in West Virginia for Becky's upcoming visit to her parents. He "jokes" that it seems you can only get Covid at certain times of the day, and that's when there's church. A woman in the congregation says something about it being OK to go to a supermarket, though (great, now they're all helping him say this shit). Gary tried to be a comfort to the people who just lost their pasture.  Jack Woods once had a month-long revival. If you tell people they can come to church however they want to dress, they may come straight out of the shower. If you git the inward man right, the outward man'll be wrong - ah mean right. If you don't stand for somethin' you'll fall for everything. Christian means Christ-like. They're tryin' to take our religious rights away.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-16&version=KJV

Olive(r) B. Greene said if he was God he'd pinch a lot of people's heads off. Gary says they don't want to know what he'd do. When Gary does wrong, God corrects him, and doesn't wait until he leaves Walmarts to do it. Who is Jesus to you? You know wha we're in the shape we're in? It ain't becowse of Pelosi. Most of ya think it's the White House's fault. Most of ya think it's the Democrats' fault - nah. It's the people of God's fault. But people quit prayin' because they were so happy that Donald Trump got in. There's a lot of Baptists that don't even believe in eternal security no more. People think God's got a 2x4 or a ball bat and wants to beat on people all the time. But God only beats on you becowse you're not doin' right. God wants to bless you. 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jude+1%3A21&version=KJV

Gary has been asked to go to Mexico and Canada and even Isril (altogether now - by Mexicans  Canadians or Israelis, or by people in the US trying to get rid of you Gary?), but he has a burden for America. He mentions a friend (Bryant, I assume) who is trying to go to Africa, ya say wha? Because that's where he wants to go - where the Lord want him to go (close one, Gary).

Gary announces "Jude 21 . . . no. If you've got a Bahble that has Jude 21, throw it in the trash. Go to verse 21."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jude+21-22&version=KJV

There used to be a good church in Myrtle Beach South Carolina, but there isn't any more. Gary almost started a church in Dillon SC, 15-20 years ago, and the Lord closed the door - Gary doesn't know why. Gary does everything because of Christ. The man who said Gary's video inspired him to go to Mexico. People are preachin' another Jesus. It's not about saying a prayer or getting baptized. The "baptized so many times the tadpoles know my SSN" line gets a big laugh.  Some people make it easy, some make it hard, God made it easy, simply believin' and receivin'. Your casket is in a funeral home nearby.

Gary, Becky and Jacob drone It's About the Cross. They seem to be singing this one a lot, I assume because it's December and Christmas is on people's minds. It starts with:

It's not just about the manger
Where the baby lay
It's not all about the angels
Who sing for him that day

It's not all about the shepherds
Or the bright and shining star
It's not all about the wise men
Who travelled from afar

It's about the cross
It's about my sin
It's about how Jesus came to be born once
So that we could be born again

Gotta make sure that any Christmas joy is tempered with remembering your guilt and sin and how Jesus suffered just to save you.

The entire time they are singing, the door to that anteroom is open, and the man and a woman are puttering about in there, walking back and forth, opening the fridge and bending down to look in, and making noise.

Spoiler

Eventually the man comes out, glances over at the family at the piano as if he's wondering WTF they are doing there, sits for a while, then goes to consult with a woman in a pew.

Now, I am a very informal person, and have no problem with people worshiping in any setting.  But, if you have a church, and invite people to come up and sing and speak, wouldn't it be nice to keep that door closed and be quiet while they are doing so?

The Hawkinses sing Standing on the Solid Rock, one of their better numbers. The woman emerges from the anteroom, leaves the door open, and bustles through the church and out of sight. The man goes in and out a few times during Gary's message.

Gary goes back to the pew with Becky and Jacob, and comes back with his wrapped Bible. As he unwraps it, a man asks "Laying out a fleece?" When Gary doesn't respond, he asks again.

He is referring to this passage:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Judges+6%3A36-40&version=KJV

Becky says Mmm-hmmm in assent right away, and some congregants laugh. Gary sort of joins them, but I wonder if he even knows what the joke is. He is flipping through his steno pad.

Someone says "All the ponies to the post." Maybe urging Gary to get going with his message?

Gary announces John 2, then starts telling them about his travels, and how he "just happened" to get to New York a day before "he done it." "It," in this case, is the need to quarantine for two weeks when arriving in NY, and "he" is Cuomo. Gary claims he "korinteened" a lot more than two weeks, not because of "the Covid," but because he "don't lahk to deal with steeupid" so he just stays inside and "don't have to deal with it, amen."

Gary, if there's nobody in a room but you, trust me, you are dealing with stupid.

"The reason that Joe Bahden's not gonna be the president of the Eeunahted States  is becowse they don't have a basement in the White House."

Gary, they do - and your beloved Trump cowered in it.

He then tries to tell his "Trump don't wear glasses" joke, and screws it up horribly, giving away the punch line before he gets to the set-up.

They still laugh.

He says they only set the tent up "a couple of times" in the past year, because people were afraid of someone seeing them. I don't remember him saying that before.

He re-announces John 2, mumbling about how he'd planned something else, but believes that this is "where God would have us to be today," not telling them the "verses" (which is, of course, only the number of the verse where he's starting) until the last split-second.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+2%3A12-26&version=KJV

KJV: After this he went down to Capernaum, he, and his mother, and his brethren, and his disciples: and they continued there not many days.
Bro Gary Version: And after this he went down to Cahper - Cahpertreenus, and he, and his mother, and his brethren, and his disciples: and they all continued there many days.

Cahpertreenus? And notice that he reversed what the verse says.

KJV: And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple,
BGV: And when he had made a scourge of a small cord, he drove them all out of the temple,

With one small cord! I guess it's all in the air of authority, or the wrist action, or something.

KJV: The zeal of thine house hath eaten me up.
BGV: The zill of thine house hath eaten me up.

Lots of other errors, and all est endings become eth, of course.

"But here we have our churches, ah mean, listen, we're in a - our churches isa difinitely in a messsssss. Ah mean, you're studyin' the books here, ah - ah'm sure ah got one those books somewhere, ah've had - they give 'em to me from tahm to tahm, 'n' then when you travel in different vehicles and your stuff gits bigger than the books that you have to do, 'n' so ah'm  ah'm I am in the midst of  working on gettin' mah stuff online, 's far as books and stuff lahk that, but - our churches are in a messssss."

Whoa.

"With the help of the Lord, for just a few minutes, ah'm gonna preach on Why We're Not Havin' Fun in Church Anymore."

So much for this being an original thought that God put on your heart today, Gary. This one is as stale as a month-old cracker in the desert.

"Now awana say, ah unnerstand the respect tahm, as far as me thinkin' the most important part of the church service to me is is not the preachin' not the singin' the invitation tahm, amen? Becowse the message has been given 'n' then that gives people the choice which you know here, here we are in another tahm now that the altars are not even bein' used anymore."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A1-4&version=KJV

Mostly misread, and every "hast" becomes "hath." Yes, even when it's a one-syllable word, it doesn't seem to get through to Gary.

Immediately after telling them they should love their "pasture," Gary says something about not answering when their pastor calls him on the phone, because he knows what's gonna be on the other end. Gary seems to have even more trouble than usual with leaving out whatever would make his "punch lines" and points make sense, so, we have no idea whether the pastor teases him, chastises him, or what. But it sure is weird, after just telling them to love him. And they laugh, as if it made sense.

"We could prob'ly have American-wahd revahval, if preachers didn't hate each other so stinkin' bad. Amen!"

He goes right on to say that the reason they can't get along is "most of 'em's not even Biblical, what they even say and believe any more today amen," and "Ah've had more trouble this year with preachers, with the King James Bahble, then ah've had with anything."

He rambles about some post on Facebook that said there are errors in the KJV, then reiterates "we need to love one another."

Gary says his brother Josh had Covid-19 (I believe this is the first time we're hearing of this. I wonder when it was). He yells "He never one tahm korinteened from his wahf." Suddenly quiet, as if making a very deep, insightful point:  "And she never got it. Now you explain that one to me."

He goes on to say she was tested 3-4 times. A man says "God loves her more'n you do" and there's a big laugh. 

Gary tells us his sister Kim had it, and her husband Joey never got it.

He announces "Fizzins fahve," and tells Jacob to go find him some water. What took you so long, Gary?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5%3A18-21&version=KJV

Lots of misreading, including:

KJV: And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;
BGV: And be not drunk with wahn, wherein it ex-sees; but be feeled with the Spirit;

"But the singin' has just lit'rilly - ah'm gon' be honest with ya, ahahah there's tahms that ah ah ah ah went to - ah'm thinkin' that ah'm supposed to call that guy back here after a whahl, about maybe comin' back to Mississippi or whatever, but he had a group in there and ah'm gonna be honest with ya, he said 'Brother Hawkins, this is gonna be your naht off, and they're gonna do the singing.' Ah said 'that's fahn, it's yer church ya do however ya want to.'  Ah wisht ah hadn'ta sung, 'n' ah wisht ah mean it was fahn that we had a day off, ah wisht the other group'd stayed home, too, they'd been better off, amen."

Whew! I'm pretty sure that meant that a pastor in MS had another singing group for the specials, and only wanted Gary to preach, and Gary didn't think their songs were Godly.

Gary says he thinks it's the Methodists who don't even believe in "any kinda music."

Wrong, Gary. I think "Methodist" is his go-to for "mainstream Protestant."

Church of Christ sings a cappella (so they have music, it's just all vocal, not instrumental), and early Quakers did not sing or use instruments in church, but that's no longer always the case.

Gary says some people "can't even have a tune" and he thinks he can't have a tune, or "kick the bucket."

I think he's trying to say "sing in tune" and "carry a tune in a bucket."

Another tidbit re the truck "Somethin' happened to mah truck the other day, and it's gonna be off the road for at least a year. So ah had to git somethin' smaller."

His Momma asked him why he doesn't leave the tent behind, and he said because it's the biggest part of the ministry.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A12-14&version=KJV

KJV: I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth.
BGV: I know thy works, and where thou dwelleth, even where Satan sit seat - Satan's seat is -  pretty bad, when Satan's got a seat in church, amen?  and thou holdeth fast to mah - holdeth fast my name, and hath not depart - denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipiss was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan doowelleth.

Gary grumbles about his son-in-law, and how he's not old enough to have one of those yet, and how he "got on him." He "gets on" his wife and children, because, if he's going to tell others about Jesus and not his family, he's "worser than an infidel. HAYMUN!"

"Ah had a dealin' with him, he said 'Well, ah'm a Christian' ah said 'No, yer not.' 'Well, ah am too, ah'm saved!' I said 'Yeah, there's a difference in bein' saved and bein' a Christian.' You know wha he didn't know the difference, because he'd never been told, he'd never been discipled, he'd never been taught. He tol' me one day he said 'Yeah, church is very excential to me.' Ah said 'It is? It sure is funny you're not never there. Sure is funny you don't, you you' 'n' his business that he has he travels all over the place if you buy somethin', if you buy somethin' from somewhere, and he goes an buys it - ah mean, no, he goes 'n' gits it, 'n' delivers it to ya. 'N' they jest happen to do that, have to do it on Sundee. And you ain't gonna believe the scripture he give to me. He says 'what about when the ox is in the ditch?' Ah said 'Mah Lord, son, your - your ox is always in the ditch. EVERY SUNDEE, it just happens to be.'"

I bet you wish you had a fun father in law like Gary?  

Gary claims he isn't there to talk about politics, but . . . "That what is her name, Harris, ah can't say her first name, ain't gonna trah to say her first name, and not even sure ah wanna say her name," long pause, during which others grumble about the VP-elect. "She hates Gawwd." Lots of agreement. "Did you not know that her statements was 'If ah - when ah git in, ah will - first thing ah'll do' - well, they gonna come after our churches, listen, you won't hafta worry about a pandemic, you won't have to lock it with your keys, they gon' lock it for ya. And when they lock it, you ain't gonna have a key to get in. She done already said 'we will not be celebrating Christmas,' and whether you believe in Christmas or not ah'm just gonna let you know something, if ah'm gonna celebrate mah birthday, mah wahf let me know when ah met her September  the 11th we was havin' some kinda party whether we had money or not. But if ah'm gonna celebrate people's parties and ah have, ah'm gonna celebrate Jesus', ya say wha, because His birthday's the one that made me mah salvation. Amen?"

I thought it was His death day, Gary. Oh, and he never does get around to saying what the first thing Kamala Harris said she was going to is. If anyone knows, please tell us. If she has expressed interest in an official "first task," I bet it is nothing remotely scary, but there's probably some crazy conspiracy theory going around.

But, hey, he's not calling her "Harrison" any more. Progress!

When Gary is finishing up, talking about how God blessed you this morning if you woke up, I think for a moment he is actually going to recreate my imagined morning routine! "Ah got up outta the bed this mornin', 'n' used the bathroom,  'n' then come back in, gittin' ready to take a shower or whatever 'n' mah wahf  - whenever she makes some kinda - a certain kinda sound ah say 'What's wrong?' She said 'so-and-so dahd' 'n' ah said 'ah' 'n' y'know she tells me people's names 'n' listen hey she don't realize ah see a thousand  - a hundred thousand people in a year's tahm, 'n' ah'm supposeta memorize ever'body's name."

After more about how he can't remember names, and how Becky reminded him of who the person was, he gets to his point - the person who died was in her sixties. He says that may seem old to someone who is 18, but it's not that old, and she didn't make it, and Gary wonders how many more people died today and who is Jesus to you.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galations+1%3A9&version=KJV

While discussing the people who come to "preach another Jesus," Gary warns them against a bad Baptist.  It's hard to hear, because Becky is crinkling something near the phone, but I think he said Steve Anderson (It's Steven, Gary!). Gary says he "made a mowk of what God said about Isril. He don't even believe Gowds' comin' back." "He don't even believe in repentence."

Yes, folks, that's all Gary finds to criticize about one of the worst, most hateful humans on the planet.

I guess Gary, who is clearly disgusted with the idea of "fellowshipping" with gay people, and just wants to toss a tract at them and run away, is deeply troubled by the fact that the PP doesn't even think they can repent.

What a mensch.

 

Edited December 21, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[Xan]

@thoughtful -- The way you feel about listening to Jill is the way I feel about listening to Gary.  Bless you for doing this for us.  After about a minute of Gary, I just want to run screaming from the room.

What was safe, however, was looking back through Gary's Facebook posts to see if he mentioned being ill in February.  Big surprise -- he didn't.  He was mostly in the Southwest (spent a lot of time in New Mexico) and ended up in Ohio and then West Virginia later in the month.  He posted almost every day and was at seven different churches.  One of the posts was about going to the store with Becky and she bought him that black hat.  At no time does he ever talk about being sick with Covid or anything else.

On Feb. 20, he mentions that Becky is feeling better so perhaps she was sick.  Maybe Gary has decided to commandeer her illness for himself.  I looked through his March posts and didn't find anything about illness there either.  Ditto for January.  If Gary was sick, he wasn't sick enough to mention it or to cancel any services.  I don't think Gary is being honest about this.

The only thing I will admit is that he's lost a good bit of weight.  He's pretty large in those photos from last winter.

Spoiler

Gary on March 31:

I find his comment about the truck to be very odd.  I can't think of any repair that would keep a vehicle off the road for a year.  If it was damaged that badly, it would be called a total loss and you'd just get something else.  I don't care what sort of odd part you might need, it wouldn't take a year to get it.  I don't think Gary is being honest about this either.

 

[thoughtful]

Only four more salvation days until Christmas!

I can figure out what he meant to say/type for Santa Clara and "made not believe," but I have no idea what "want cold" was supposed to be.

ETA - maybe "want gold?" As in streets paved with?

Spoiler

Gary, they are no funnier written down:

Spoiler

 

Edited December 21, 2020 by thoughtful

[Jasmar]

I’m wondering why he’s so convinced that he’ll be around to preach (or not, as the case may be) at his kids’ funerals. What a bizarre thing to fixate on! 

[church_of_dog]

17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

When Gary does wrong, God corrects him, and doesn't wait until he leaves Walmarts to do it.

Here's a bit I would like to know more details about.  

[thoughtful]

  

Gary was at Open Bible Baptist Church in Swansea (another Massachusetts town name - I guess English folks were homesick for towns back home whether they went north or south in the colonies) SC for the Sunday evening service. Yes, he changed horses in mid-stream - er, churches in mid-Sunday.

The video looks like this:

Spoiler

They sing O Come All Ye Faithful. Gary mumbles and Becky whispers as prayers for various people (including them and some people who have Covid) are announced.  The pastor does a year in review, and prays that Trump and Pence get put back in office where they need to be. But God is their commander-in-chief, and nobody can vote Him out.

Gary does some moaning during the general prayer, then they all sing Tell Me the Story of Jesus. Another general prayer, a bit more moaning from Gary, then piano during the collection. They belt out Silent Night.

The pastor remembers he'd left out a prayer request - "Sister Mayberry got hit in the head with a dolly." He turns the service over to Gary, so here is the "don't bother reading it if you've heard it all before" spoiler:

Spoiler

How many of ya glad to be in church/ain't this a Baptist church/'bout half of ya, take a prayer card and put it on yer refrigerator, 'cause that's where Baptists go to. "It ain't about politics," and Gary wouldn't want to sit down and fellowship with Trump, but he's glad Trump is his president, because he's done a fine job, with God's help, and he loves Isril. Trump has been the best president of Gary's 48 years. If Gary's going to celebrate his birthday and his wife's, he's going to celebrate Jesus' birth, whether it was in December or not. Ah've never preached over two hours. Gary would rather knock on doors up North, because those people will tell you the truth. People in the South claim to be saved, but they can't tell you details. Joolah 11, 1999, Marion SC, Open Door Baptist Church on Sandhill Drive (Drive? I thought it was Road). He tells them he could show them the exact spot where he got saved, repeats the date and place several times throughout the message, and insists it was his last chance. Before that, he was just playin' church. Gary's glad to be part of a royal family. Jesus has the trumpet up to his lips, ready to come get His children. Old rugged cross. He worshed our sins in his blood. People and the devil bring up your old sins. Gary's flesh does not like the Bible. Crucify your flesh. Gary's going to have to take a shower before he gets into bed with his wife tonight, because he's going to smell bad. Not lookin' for the undertaker, lookin' for the uppertaker. People are going to come to his funeral just to make sure he's dead. The rich man's in Hell. Billy Kelly and his rotten cornstalk. America's a forgotten mission field. His failed attempt to start a church in Dillon SC. We're in the last days, per'lous tahms. He has not made fun of the pandemic. People have stopped going to church as the last day approaches. Brother Sammy Allen, Brother Darryl Weaver, other old-time preachers. Am ah makin' sense tonaht? His trip to NY, and cowardly call to the governor after he'd left. The police officers waving at him when he went soul-winning. Gary's been awake for about 13 hours today, and he wonders how many people have died in that time, and whether they went to Heaven or Hell. You don't have to be sick or old to die. Give people tracts in the grocery line. The guy who helped them put up the tent, and told Jacob he hated religion, and Gary wishes he'd been there to tell him he hates religion too. Gary likes gettin' high on Jesus. Gary woke up this morning, and he was allowed to go to church, then fellowship and eat, then leave that church and come to this one - all because of Jesus. Jesus ain't poppin' pills, bitin' his fingernails, sweatin' and worryin'. He's gonna come take over the government, because He is the governor of Heaven. Ah may be standing in a church buildin' in - whatever the name of this town is - but ah've already got a place in Heaven, got my clothes picked out, street of gold, etc. He's lost 64 pounds, but in Heaven he won't have to diet. God's still in control, no matter what happens on January 20th. Gary's still going to preach if the Democrats take over. He's still gonna set the gospel tent up, if anybody has the guts to set it up. Gary's goin' the the electric chair for preaching Jesus. Gary knows God was the first missionary, because he went to the Garden of Eden in the cool of the day. Enoch walked with God then just disappeared into Heaven - wouldn't that be nice? The Rapture is the next big event of the church age. There's a Hell to shun and Heaven to pay. On of these days, he's going to meet Jesus FACE TO FACE!

They sing Jesus Passed By and It's About the Cross. Gary says "Ah'm glad Jesus was born, but ah'm glad He didn't stay that way." He asks for water - "just don't git out the toilet an' ah'll be alraht." Becky laughs and said "He wouldn't know, if he did." Gary jokes that  he said the water tasted like it came out of the toilet once when they were somewhere, and frightened the teenage boy who'd brought it to him, who reassured his mother that it was not from the toilet. Hahahah.

He announces Matthew 1, then tries the "why Joe Biden can't be president" joke, but says "Whaht House don't have no downstairs, amen." Becky corrects him: "Basement," but Gary misses it because he's laughing at his own wit. Nobody else is, but someone says "amen."

Then, of course, comes the Trump/2020 joke, fucked up again: "Ah can tell ya wha ah know Trump's got 2020 'cause he don't wear glasses you notice that, dontcha because he's got 2020 amen!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+1%3A18-30&version=KJV

Read with a moderate number of errors, by Gary standards.

"With the help of the Lord, for just a few minutes, ah'm gonna preach on What's the Reason for the Birth of Jesus."

"And you know, you think about this tahm of the year, ah mean, in the days of now that we're livin' in, you think about all this, so much depression goin' on. Probably this year, well will be no doubt this year, used to be a girls' home years ago that was sung a song 'n' ah'm sure y'll prob'ly heard it Will the Family Circle Be Unbroken?"

Not exactly, Gary.

Gary reminds us that many families will sit down to Christmas dinner with empty chairs at the table. Because death.

1 John 2:2 - KJV: 2 And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.
BGV: 2 And he is the propituation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.

While doing his usual bit about being OK with going by the Rapture or by the grave, and not fearing death, Gary says: "They say that black people, whenever they -  whenever black people dah they have a party. Well, mah wahf's gonna do that when ah dah amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+4%3A14&version=KJV

Followed by all old stale stuff.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+2%3A49&version=KJV

"That lady, and her name's, not, til all, her name is Miss Ellis  - " He looks at Becky.

Becky: "Elise Beaucraft." (I'm guessing at that spelling)

Gary (dismissively): "Yeah, whatever. She passed away. Now ah think it was yesterday when she passed away, but she prob'ly wadn't expectin' to dah amen."

Gary doesn't like to hear that people are going to Hell, but it ain't Gary's fault. He makes reference to a conversation he had before church about someone who, by his testimony, was probably in Hell, despite who his brother is.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+19%3A10&version=KJV

Squire Parsons wrote the song He Came to Me. Jesus came to Gary. 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah+9%3A6&version=KJV

Yes, the "governors are on his shoulders" in Gary's version.

This place we're livin' in will be burnin' up with a "fevrid" heat one of these days.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+1%3A23&version=KJV

Misread, of course.

Gary is glad Jesus likes "hanging out" with him.

He tells a story about a preacher who wasn't feeling well, asked his son to continue the service, sat down, and died as he put money in the offering plate. Gary chuckles. "Hey, Lord, ah paid mah tithes raht before ah met ya amen?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A3-7&version=KJV

Gary tells us about his uncle dying, right after Christmas, eight years ago (he checks with Becky). He "didn't get to" go to the funeral, but was "where they review the body 'n' everybody gits together 'n' talkin 'n' stuff." And someone said that his uncle had prayed for one more Christmas, and had gotten it. It said December 26th on "the birth - on the death certificate."

Christmas cheer, Gary style.

[AmazonGrace]

If he's so upset about Santa Clara, just wait until he hears about the Elvis.

[Alisamer]

56 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

 Gary tells us about his uncle dying, right after Christmas, eight years ago (he checks with Becky). He "didn't get to" go to the funeral, but was "where they review the body 'n' everybody gits together 'n' talkin 'n' stuff." And someone said that his uncle had prayed for one more Christmas, and had gotten it. It said December 26th on "the birth - on the death certificate."

Christmas cheer, Gary style.

That's called "receiving friends" in Gary's neck of the woods, for the record. And it's usually in the evening within a day or two of the funeral itself.

Edited December 21, 2020 by Alisamer

[Dana723]

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Santa Clara

That is flipping hilarious

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Sister Mayberry got hit in the head with a dolly.

That is...actually a bit hilarious.  I'd love to know what the story is.

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Trump has been the best president of Gary's 48 years.

We're back to flipping hilarious again.

[thoughtful]

I'm too old to believe in Santa Clara, but I believe in San Jose!

@Dana723, I feel bad for Sister Mayberry, whoever she is, but I included that because I also was amused by the combination of the name, the nature of the accident, and, most of all, the fact that that's all he said!

Gary got a comment under his Biden post:

Also:

Spoiler

 

[Four is Enough]

In my neck of the woods,  this is called a dolly. (or a hand truck) It would hurt if it fell on me.

 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Four is Enough said:

In my neck of the woods,  this is called a dolly. (or a hand truck) It would hurt if it fell on me.

 

That's what I assume it was, and I figure the congregants did, as well. Which, I think, would make them curious and concerned about how the heck that happened to this poor woman. Maybe she bent down while using a loaded one, lost control of it, and it tipped back so the handle hit her in the head.

I hope they got some details later, and that she's OK.

Gary's family came through for him again (I figure this is the van he's talking about - we never did find out where he got that):

Spoiler

But he needs more gigs:

Spoiler

Gary's looking for a hole:

Spoiler

 

Edited December 22, 2020 by thoughtful
adding today's posts

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's looking for a hole

  Hide contents

 

For the first time in my life, I can see a real purpose for black holes.  That's where we can send Gary!

[forgetmenow]

On 12/21/2020 at 12:23 PM, thoughtful said:

 

  Hide contents

 

Oh, no.  He went full Jerk Store. If it eludes you in the moment, you can't revisit it a day or so later.

22 hours ago, thoughtful said:

   "where they review the body 'n' everybody gits together 'n' talkin 'n' stuff."

4.5 stars - a little pale, but not bad overall. 

[Black Aliss]

On 12/20/2020 at 5:49 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary claims he isn't there to talk about politics, but . . . "That what is her name, Harris, ah can't say her first name, ain't gonna trah to say her first name, and not even sure ah wanna say her name," long pause, during which others grumble about the VP-elect. "She hates Gawwd." Lots of agreement. "Did you not know that her statements was 'If ah - when ah git in, ah will - first thing ah'll do' - well, they gonna come after our churches, listen, you won't hafta worry about a pandemic, you won't have to lock it with your keys, they gon' lock it for ya. And when they lock it, you ain't gonna have a key to get in. She done already said 'we will not be celebrating Christmas,' and whether you believe in Christmas or not ah'm just gonna let you know something, if ah'm gonna celebrate mah birthday, mah wahf let me know when ah met her September  the 11th we was havin' some kinda party whether we had money or not. But if ah'm gonna celebrate people's parties and ah have, ah'm gonna celebrate Jesus', ya say wha, because His birthday's the one that made me mah salvation. Amen?"

Where DO these people come up with this shit? I suppose it doesn't matter that VP-elect Harris is a Baptist because surely she is the wrong kind of Baptist in some subtle way, but it's hard to fathom Gary having the imagination to make up these stories.

[Xan]

1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

Where DO these people come up with this shit? I suppose it doesn't matter that VP-elect Harris is a Baptist because surely she is the wrong kind of Baptist in some subtle way, but it's hard to fathom Gary having the imagination to make up these stories.

With Gary, you're either for him or against him.  He's big into the false dichotomy of there being only two kinds of people in the world.  Either you're saved and believe in the KJV-only religion or you're a heathen and you hate God.  His mindset doesn't allow for other choices.  If Trump is fighting for him and his religion then Biden must be fighting against him and must hate God.  If you don't wear a mask, you think God protects you.   If you do wear a mask, you are a heathen who hates God and believes in science.

I'd like to think Gary is more complex but, honestly, I think he's pretty simple.   He prefers limited information and likes to avoid personal responsibility.  He was tailor-made to be a Trump follower.  He's also perfect for the religious grifting that he's doing.  He doesn't have to answer to a regular boss or put in standard work hours.   He gets to yell at people and tell them how awful they are and how he just happens to have a mansion ready in Heaven with an engraved invitation from Jesus HImself.  Nothing that happens is ever his fault and he doesn't have to be grateful to anyone because he reasons that God provided the truck or the tires or the lodging or the free food.  Not being grateful puts him in the position of not owing anyone anything.  

I despise Gary.

[Dana723]

7 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

In my neck of the woods,  this is called a dolly. (or a hand truck) It would hurt if it fell on me.

 

Oh.......well, yeah, that would hurt a lot more than what I was thinking.

[thoughtful]

Gary did a video for the In Times Like These Facebook Group. As usual, he is in inspiring surroundings, with great lighting:

Spoiler

I kid, I kid. He's at the kitchen altar in his parents' Church of the Holy Camper.

He spends a minute waiting to see if anyone signs on, and re-introducing himself. One woman signs on, and comments 49 times during the video - basically the online version of calling out "amen" and the like in church.

He tells us they considered singing for this video, but "mah piana's in one place, and we're down at another place, because mah parents had dawgs and ah didn't want the dawgs sayin' 'amen,' amen."

Stuff you all know:

Spoiler

Tooth sucking and lots of sniffing. Dec. 25 is not the day Jesus was born, but it's the day they picked for us to celebrate. Jesus' birth is the reason we can live and have salvation. Jesus was born of a virgin - a lot of people don't believe that. NIV "takes away the birth of our Lord and Savior." Awana say somethin' to ya. Pandemic, politicians and all those things, Gowd's the one's in control amen. Joolah the 11th, 1999, Jesus Christ came bah, Open Door Baptist Church, Marion SC, on Sandhill Road. We are ambassadors for Christ, so we should act like Christians. Gary is glad Jesus didn't stay as a babe. Old rugged cross, many times. Worshed in the blood. When telling us he is sure he's going to Heaven, he adds "when ah git crucifahed" to his usual expectation of going to the electric chair. Gary may be standing in a camper on his parents' property, but he might as well be in Heaven. His wife can't always give him peace, but Jesus can. People make salvation hard or easy - Jesus made it simple; believe, receive. Jacob's horrible salvation story (coming crying to them in the middle of the night, terrified of Hell because he needed to be saved). He tells the story he heard on the radio, about the grandmother who kept telling her granddaughter the best Christmas gift would be the child getting saved, and the child saying she would at some point, but, for now, she wanted to give her a physical Christmas gift. There's a hell to shun and a heaven to gain. It would be foolish to pay for a meal if someone else paid for it already, and that's what it's like to reject Jesus. Jesus went to Hell for us, and burned and fried like sausage. Amazing Grace. If you got up this morning, can move, etc., that's a gift from God/Jesus. Tell your children the truth, so they will believe you about Jesus - not bein' mean, not bein' ugly (he neglects to mention that he's talking about Santa, though, so this sounds like nonsense). He tells the story of his uncle who passed away 8-9 years ago (ah don't know, tahm flahs), who asked God for one more Christmas, then died right after midnight, so it was 12/26. This could be your last Christmas, or a loved one's - get saved, to stay out of Hell.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+2&version=KJV

A degree from Seizure Augustus, as usual. Today, Seeri - Seerenius is governor of Sierra! Lots of other errors. Gary sounds nervous and is overly loud - not shout-preaching loud (although he goes there within a few minutes), just stressed loud. He does his usual post-reading prayer, including ending it with "you may be seated."

The title of the message, which he says he chose because Jesus was wrapped in swaddling clothes, is The Greatest Gift Ever Given.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+9%3A6&version=KJV

Gary says he wasn't going to read this, but he is anyway. Of course, the governors are on Jesus' shoulders.

"He was the greatest gift ever unwrapped. Wahz - three wahz men, that they show it - now it don't say - it says three gifts, it really don't say three wahz men, 'n' it really don't give the occasion, it coulda been more than that, but it was three gifts that was given to Jesus Christ and and and ever'thin' ,but Jesus was given to us so that we could have life, amen?"

Spoiler

Gary has been given lots of gifts from relatives (he lists them, by category, at length), and he thanks God for every one of them (how about thanking the people, Gary?), but "on JOOlah 11, or actually, He give it - uh, ah accepted it on JOOlah 11, but He give it over 2000 years ago, amen? And it was even talked about whenever, uh, whenever Job - whenever Abraham was goin' up there, and he was gonna take Ahzick becowse God was wantin' to test his faith and see how he was, whenever his son asked him he said 'Hey, we've got the fahr, we've got the wood, but where's the sacrifice,' and Abraham said, in Ginisis, he said Gowd will supplahhhhh  - a lamb. And you know who the lamb was? It was the lamb of God, amen and we know all the story of Abraham and all those and we know Abraham was faithful and he was gonna take his only son that like Je- example of Jesus Christ bein' the only son, amen? And an an everything, but hey - He give me joy!"

"It's about Gowd - He's the one that rolled that stome away."

"Tonight, did you know - ah thought ah brought me a bottle o' water - tonight, did you know, that if ah when ah go here in a little whahl, ah'm gonna go back up to mah Dad's house, and we're gonna go up there after a whahl, and we'll git in the bed, and ah'll lay mah head on the pillah, and awana tellya ah have got peace, that - thank you very much" (a bottle of water has appeared and is handed to him) "that if ah dah, right now, dah through mah sleep, fall over dead while ah'm  preachin' amen, ah'll be doin' somethin' for the cowse of Christ, and dah, but you know what ah got peace that ah'm goin' to Heaven. And ah got peace that lastses forever amen." He swigs.

He screams about being in a courtroom (he slips in that this is "just an example"), and the judge is going to hit "his little hammer" on the desk, but mercy comes in and takes his place.

Gary says that, instead of being depressed about 2020, we should think on "pleasant things." Things like Jesus hanging on the cross in his place.

"That old old story, hey thinkin' about what Jesus Christ came as a virgin and He rose up and hey He was borned in a stable, amen."

Speaking of the stable, Gary makes sure we know how bad those places smell - he knows because his grandmother raised hogs. "When a baby's born, and you first look at that baby, ah've heard people talk - say, well, lookin' and sayin' 'ah wonder what they're thinkin'?' when they're lookin' at a dad or a parent or a mom or or maybe a family member or whatever, 'wonder what that baby's thinkin'?' Well, you just have to wonder what Jesus was smellin', amen? But it's a pleasant thing, that we can think on these things."

At the end, he prays, including hoping we are all "Heaven bound, with the hammer down."

Think on those pleasant things, like the stench of hogs, Abraham planning to sacrifice Isaac, and Jesus dying on the cross, this Christmas!

Spoiler

 

 

 

[Lillymuffin]

Can someone please explain the “Biden in the basement” thing to me?

[Ozlsn]

3 minutes ago, Lillymuffin said:

Can someone please explain the “Biden in the basement” thing to me?

Oh thank God, I thought it was just me. I can't even pretend to guess what he thinks he's joking about.

[forgetmenow]

2 hours ago, Lillymuffin said:

Can someone please explain the “Biden in the basement” thing to me?

It's because while Trump was killing people all over the country with superspreader gatherings, Biden was having drive-in rallies, utilizing internet platforms and modeling responsible behavior.  Of course, this became "Biden is hiding the basement" and ignores the fact that Trump was the one who sheltered in an actual bunker this summer at some point during the protests.

Edited December 23, 2020 by forgetmenow

[thoughtful]

Thanks, @forgetmenow. Sorry I didn't explain that one, @Lillymuffin and @Ozlsn.

Yeah, the idea that Biden was "hiding in his basement" (his very nice office happens to be on the lowest floor of their house) was one of the stupid ideas going around right-wing circles during the campaign.

Today's posts:

Spoiler

Spoiler

I was thinking about Gary's weird set up for his equally weird "imagine what Jesus was smelling" joke attempt. If I wanted to use that set up for something (not a stinky manger joke, I assure you!) I'd talk about the times I've looked at the attentive face of a baby looking back at me.

Gary spoke, a bit uncomfortably, about other people looking into a baby's eyes and wondering what the baby is thinking. I would imagine he's heard that said by people more caring and curious than he is, but never felt it, which is why he had to say it in the third person.

It got me thinking about how Gary perceives his children, and wondering how he reacted to their birth and babyhood. He's not as good at faking non-narcissistic reactions as Jill is - I have a hard time picturing him being anything other than totally detached. The only time I can imagine him feeling anything is if they reflected on him in some way, in which case he'd boast and add a story to his messages, or beat them and add a story to his messages, depending on whether he perceived what they did as good or bad.

I can't even imagine him enjoying baby cuteness or activities with kids. I've never seen him show affection to Jacob, or to his daughter at her wedding and when we've seen them together since. He looks at Becky with clear delight, but I've never seen a look of pride, a twinkle in his eye, or an affectionate smile with any of the kids.

I think he stereotypes his own children by age - the young adults are married to/involved with people he doesn't approve of, and Caleb gets grief about not holding down a job (ironically enough). Jacob is accused of thinking he knows everything and is a target for teenager jokes because he's 13. I can't imagine Gary knows them at all, despite having lived with them on a nearly-constant basis* since their birth.

He seems to see them as just characters that he expects to react a certain way based more on stereotypes of their stage of life than their actual personalities. We missed seeing what his stereotypes were for ages 0-10, but I suspect he had them. Now I want to look back again at when we first became aware of him, to see if Caleb was the know-it-all teen. I remember that Jacob seemed to be labeled the toy-loving, skateboarding, mostly obedient rambunctious boy.

None of this surprises me - it seems in keeping with his personality. It just strikes me as such a mark of his self-centered world, that he never speaks with affection or individual knowledge about his own children. To him, they're products.

*Well, come to think of it, we don't know when and how Gary's marriage to Stephanie broke up, if he was in the same house with the kids, and if they were homeschooled, for the entire time before the end of the marriage.

 

[Lillymuffin]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Thanks, @forgetmenow. Sorry I didn't explain that one, @Lillymuffin and @Ozlsn.

Yeah, the idea that Biden was "hiding in his basement" (his very nice office happens to be on the lowest floor of their house) was one of the stupid ideas going around right-wing circles during the campaign.

Today's posts:

  Hide contents

  Hide contents

Apparently Gary “has the gospel.” That’s not very Christian of him; he’d better give it back. 

[Ozlsn]

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Yeah, the idea that Biden was "hiding in his basement" (his very nice office happens to be on the lowest floor of their house) was one of the stupid ideas going around right-wing circles during the campaign.

I knew that, but it didn't trigger the memory with Gary's attempt at comedy. Although I'm still finding the guy seriously explaining to Gary that the White House does in fact have a basement hilarious. 

The whole "I woke up this morning and God was still on the throne.." never ceases to make me giggle though. 

[AmazonGrace]

Don't laugh, constipation is a terrible thing.