Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen

[Dana723]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"See, a good person, when Jesus talked about alla time with the disciples, He was tellin' the disciples, it would be easier for a camel eye ahahah - a needle to go through the camel's eye than a good person to get saved."

I...I don't think that's right...

[thoughtful]

I have to thank Bro Gary, for helping me (to paraphrase the Bible and the Botkins) occupy until he's inaugurated.

Sunday evening service at Grace Baptist starts with prayer, as Gary moans. They drone Praise for the Fountain Opened, then Fill My Cup (Gary yells YES after a few lines). Gary yells while the pastor speaks. Collection is for the Hawkinses again. They all sing He Hideth My Soul, a pretty one by Willliam Kirkpatrick, with words by Fanny Crosby.

Becky sings Above the Storm. Gary says his thank-yous, and goes on and on about the nice hotel suite they were given.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+10%3A19-25&version=KJV

How to Cope in These Last Days.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+4%3A8&version=KJV

Wash your hands - sounds like a great idea.

He says there are lots of people concerned about what's going to happen Wednesday. As a joke, he bellows "We're gonna get a new president, praise the Lord, amen!" and, of course, there is silence.

"But ahm gonna tell ya raht now, gonna tell ya how to deal with this new - new stuff's comin' ohn, this communism's comin' ohn, you better draw nah to God."

"Amana tell you raht now, hey listen hey huh huh If you think any of these people at the White House like God, honey you better go to listenin' to a little bit a what they say. That ol' Harrison woman, ah'm not just preachin' on politics, but that Harrison woman you - here's what she told - here's what she said on TV - Christmas will not be a holiday any longer."

Gary, I don't know if a woman named Harrison said any such thing, but Kamala Harris certainly did not.

The next reading is another very short one - John 3:30:

KJV: He must increase, but I must decrease.
BGV: He must increase, and I must decrease.

OK, it's a very small error, but it's only seven words, and he still managed to get something wrong.

"If we'll make much of Jesus, he'll make much of usssssssss."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phillipians+2%3A2-3&version=KJV

He goes into a long rant about church politics and backstabbin and how people went against his father. No juicy details, just a lot of whining.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+2%3A15&version=KJV

Fill your mind with the Bible, so ungodly filthy music won't get back in there.

Here's some news: "Listen hey - ah went to college a little bit - ah didn't go long enough to get stupid haymen."

He also says his Daddy and his pastor ("the same man!") has taught him to keep an open mind.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+13%3A5&version=KJV

Reptobate.

He tells the story of the pastor who told him he preached salvation so well that it almost made him want to do it all over again. So Gary decided that meant the pastor wasn't saved.

That part of the story I think we've heard, but now Gary tells us that he prayed that his next visit to that church would be canceled. Sure enough, the pastor called him and said someone in the church didn't like him (Gary is quite sure it was the pastor's wife, and the pastor didn't have the guts to tell him until later), and canceled. Gary says he'd said a few things about their children, and he had the right to do that because God told him to.

The tadpole joke is back.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

About Becky, he says "She's got educations that ah cain't even count up to."

Death, dying, dead - get saved.

After a juicy sniff: "Joe Bahden thinks he is the winner, but Jesus is the winner. He hasn't lost an election yet."

[thoughtful]

23 hours ago, griffin said:

His latest video is the most hilariously fascinating one he's ever done. He wants us all to get up off our SOAP POPS and do something for Jesus! 

He starts listing all the states that need a bahble believin' church and I swear he sounds just like Bubba from Forrest Gump

I have noticed that, when Gary is listing things. Of course, Bubba actually knew many ways to cook shrimp. Gary just rattles off lists.

OK, I'm going in - soap pops, here I come!

Gary's in Texas, sucking his teeth. Besides what @griffin told us, this is mostly one of those videos that Gary thinks will compel young preachers to plant churches and then ask him to come with his tent. Y'know, because he's so inspiring and Christ-like and all.

He starts out droopy and quiet, and gets wilder and pissier as he goes along.

He tells a story about losing his bible and having it returned to him, that I think was supposed to have a point, but he lost the point, too, and, unlike the bible, it was not returned to him.

Gary also says he doesn't know why Covid-19 is called that. He says it should have been Covid-20, and now it should be Covid-21.

I'm sure the CDC will get right on that, Gary, as soon as they see this video.

The devil's not messin' with anybody now, because "nobody's doin' nothing, they're all just settin' back, heeeey."

Spoiler

Stoner Gary! Then he does a real Fonzie "Heeeyyyy." Gary, have you been watching TV?

Spoiler

While doing his riff about preachers not getting along because they don't dot their i and cross their t the same way, Gary actually sticks out his tongue and sprays a Bronx cheer:

Spoiler

What is that you always say about Christian meaning "Christ-like," Gary?

And, after spraying spit on people he doesn't like, Gary then goes on to say that God can't get anything done because preachers can't work together, and everybody's against everybody. Some think they're "it," and need to take their halo off.

Then he imitates the Pharisee, from the parable in Luke:

Spoiler

 

Gary's Pharisee impression sounds remarkably like Stephen Colbert's Eric Trump impression. Creepy.

He's nasty about other Baptists who want money and food and not to work a job while preaching. He says they just want money, scornfully says "Sell-out," then imitates they way he thinks they are, saying, "Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme:

Spoiler

Gary's going to spend next week helping Becky cook, and won't get to preach at all. He sounds like he thinks he belongs in Foxe's (how do you pronounce that again?) Book of Martyrs.

I've never heard anyone go on at such length about himself, while saying it's not about him, it's about Jesus, as Gary does.

He ends with yelling out to check with Becky if the verse he's thinking of is Mark 1:38, and gets no answer, probably because she's cleaning up after him and is not a mind reader. Then he recites "go to the next town" five times, with an arm circle for each.

Well, he had the chapter and verse right, I'll give him that.

[thoughtful]

Amazing Grace was sung at the memorial for Covid victims last night, and is one of the things I've heard the band play today.

It's your favorite song, Gary - aren't you happy that Joe Biden likes it, too?

ETA - third time - Garth Brooks. See, Gary - it's a liberal anthem!

Edited January 20, 2021 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

Gary made another video last night. Toothsucking, coffee-mug tapping. He goes back and forth between his message and chatting with whoever signs on about the upcoming tent meeting. So the video veers wildly between solemn proclamations of what's wrong with the world and discussion of what church someone's from and how many turkeys Gary needs to fry. It's mostly quiet, slow, and hypnotic.

He mumbles a bit while waiting for people to sign on, saying that it's ten o'clock in some places, but people are staying up "becowse they're worried about what's going to happen tomohrrow."

He greets someone named Rashid, pronouncing it "Razeeea."

Gary's concerned but not worried, because worrying's a sin.

Spoiler

"The reason we're in a mess is is we've dropped the bawohl* ohn prayin' amen. Years ago ah preached a message on droppin' the bawohl and uh we started with the family, and then we started with the church, and then we started with our country. And we have dropped a lot of bawohls over the years."

*ball

"Ah'm not gonna let the" (looks off to his left) . . . "inogeration, is that how you say it? Ah'm not gonna let the inogeration knock me outta church."

The following, taken down syllable by syllable as best I could, starts out sounding like Gary thought there was still some chance of a coup, but degenerates into general Garybabble.

"If Bahden becomes the president, ah'm not gonna let him becomin' president knock me outta church. Now . . . if the Democrats git it, which - most don't know this, but - ever'body thinks that Joe Bahden and maybe Trump's got the  - troops up there, and we've heard this story and we've heard that story, 'n' we heard, 'n' we heard, 'n' we heard, ah don't believe nothin' ah hear anymore. Ah don't even believe in mu - unless you're preachin' from the Bahble, when it comes to politics, ah don't even b'lieve what Bahble b'lievers say any more very much, ya say wha? 'Cause they just makin'  - exsumption - exemptions - zat raht, zat how you say that raht?"

Becky: "Yeah."

Gary: "Exemptions, makin' exsumptions."

Well, if Becky didn't realize the word he wanted was assumption, I guess he's up a creek. Of course, I could be making an assumption. Or possibly an exemption.

Gary assures us that he voted for Trump, and not for "Biden or Harris or Pelosi or Biden - Obama -  or Hillary."

But, if Biden is president, it's God's will, and it's our fault because we chose not to pray and not to do things God told us to do. And now people want God to come help. I think, from the look on his face, Gary disapproves:

Spoiler

"There's more negative in the King James Bahble than there are positive things."

"Ah don't know how much the Lord will allow the Democrats to do to destroy because the first thing they're comin' after is our -  church. They're coming after our  - church - our religious rahts of serving and worshiping and and and - doing things, and uh so."

"What we gonna do if the Democrats git in? We gon' have church."

Well, Gary, the Democrats are in. Go to church.

[thoughtful]

Spoiler

I am amazed to say that Gary answered everyone who congratulated or encouraged him with "thanks."

Of course, he's still pretty much a deluded shit-for-brains, just a somewhat more polite deluded shit-for-brains:

Spoiler

Gary, we have a president. And he did more work today than your orange maniac did in four years.

Judgemental 20:21 And in those days, there were plenty of teachers to explain how to spell and make plurals and possessives, but every Gary did what was right in his own eyes:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Hey, Gary doesn't pick on you for not pooping on the sidewalk or being careful not to run people over with your car, so be nice to him when he does it, OK? Because, as we all know, not hurting Gary's feelings is much more important than keeping people healthy. Amirite?
 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

30 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Hey, Gary doesn't pick on you for not pooping on the sidewalk or being careful not to run people over with your car, so be nice to him when he does it, OK? Because, as we all know, not hurting Gary's feelings is much more important than keeping people healthy. Amirite?
 

Maybe we should listen to Gary. God has kept safe despite Gary's stupidity. It's amazing these two don't have COVID.

And Yes Gary I think less of you for not wearing a mask. Helping to spread a deadly disease is not my idea of Christianity!

[thoughtful]

Gary is angry. He just can't understand why other bigots think the Democrats are at fault, instead of just being the punishment for their wrongdoing. It's almost as if they think Democrats are people who are permitted to vote, and Gary knows that can't be true.

Get out of front of the TV, and go to church, so you can give money to Gary and praise him for his wonderful fried turkey.

[Xan]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Hey, Gary doesn't pick on you for not pooping on the sidewalk or being careful not to run people over with your car, so be nice to him when he does it, OK? Because, as we all know, not hurting Gary's feelings is much more important than keeping people healthy. Amirite?
 

This is interesting.  Gary feels that people look down on him for not wearing a mask.  It doesn't seem to occur to him that they feel scared or threatened.  He just takes it as a personal condemnation and assumes that people think he's not as good as they are.

Gary -- that's really messed up, dude.  The masks are to keep you from spreading germs.  They're not an indicator or wealth and shouldn't be an indicator of intelligence (although I suspect in this case that holds true.)  I think he's mentioned that he can't breathe in a mask and maybe he's gotten a little hyper or claustrophobic but it's still crazy.  Everybody is wearing masks now --- even little kids.  Surely he could suck it up and wear one for thirty minutes to go into a store or a chiropractor's office.

Eventually, he or Becky is going to get sick.  It's only a matter of time.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

This is interesting.  Gary feels that people look down on him for not wearing a mask.  It doesn't seem to occur to him that they feel scared or threatened.  He just takes it as a personal condemnation and assumes that people think he's not as good as they are.

I know I get repetitive with this, but . . . narcissism 101.

Nothing is ever about common sense, health, caring for others, efficiency, morality, or even the convenience or safety of the narcissist, if they don't recognize it as such. Everything is either a win or a loss, affirmation or an attack.

 

[AmazonGrace]

Jesus would wear a mask.

[thoughtful]

Oh, Gary. I take it you didn't even notice that you wrote "GOD said to condone sin."

And what's your problem? Did someone post a picture of two men kissing?

#didn'tneedtobesaid

 

 

Edited January 23, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

From the Facebook account of the guy Gary was asking about a few days ago, Charles Eric Rice - posted on the day before the inauguration:

Spoiler

Some comments - Donald as far as I can tell, is saying the US died when slavery ended.   Lloyd seems to think that the Pres and VP are going to stay outdoors and sing Mack the Knife.

Spoiler

I can't imagine any of you really need to see this, re that third comment, but, just to make things complete:

Quote

Social media users have been sharing a video shot from a vehicle that shows some National Guard soldiers facing away from the road as Biden’s motorcade drives past them. The users claim that the National Guard has “turned their backs” on Biden, suggesting that this action is a display to show their rejection of the President. Their positioning, however, is standard protocol for this sort of duty.

https://www.reuters.com/article/uk-factcheck-national-guard-back-biden/fact-check-national-guard-did-not-turn-their-backs-on-biden-motorcade-video-shows-standard-protocol-idUSKBN29Q2YX

More from Rice:

Spoiler

These people really live in an alternate reality.

[Ozlsn]

4 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Some comments - Donald as far as I can tell, is saying the US died when slavery ended.   Lloyd seems to think that the Pres and VP are going to stay outdoors and sing Mack the Knife.

Lloyd had inside info on Trump sacking all the ushers then?

Also Lloyd is wrong.

I know I get repetitive on this, but socialism is not the same as communism, and I wish these idiots would learn the difference.

Donald apparently thinks he would have been richer in 1865... nope he'd be just as poor as now, and equally as ignorant. 

[Dana723]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Oh, Gary. I take it you didn't even notice that you wrote "GOD said to condone sin."

And what's your problem? Did someone post a picture of two men kissing?

#didn'tneedtobesaid

 

 

For all we know, he could be talking about the Bernie memes.

[Bluebirdbluebell]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

From the Facebook account of the guy Gary was asking about a few days ago, Charles Eric Rice - posted on the day before the inauguration:

  Reveal hidden contents

Some comments - Donald as far as I can tell, is saying the US died when slavery ended.   Lloyd seems to think that the Pres and VP are going to stay outdoors and sing Mack the Knife.

  Hide contents

I can't imagine any of you really need to see this, re that third comment, but, just to make things complete:

https://www.reuters.com/article/uk-factcheck-national-guard-back-biden/fact-check-national-guard-did-not-turn-their-backs-on-biden-motorcade-video-shows-standard-protocol-idUSKBN29Q2YX

More from Rice:

  Hide contents

These people really live in an alternate reality.

Fuck these people! Apparently America died when the South lost the Civil War. Nevermind that a lot of union soldiers believed they were fighting to keep the country together. 

God help us and America!

[Black Aliss]

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Charles Eric Rice - posted on the day before the inauguration:

  Hide contents

 

 

 

But, but, but. . .Social Security is SOCIALISM!!!!11!! That's why the GOP keeps trying to destroy it. Rice needs to man up, keep working, and not bother collecting social security checks.

[Ozlsn]

14 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

But, but, but. . .Social Security is SOCIALISM!!!!11!! That's why the GOP keeps trying to destroy it. Rice needs to man up, keep working, and not bother collecting social security checks. die

Pretty sure that's what the GOP sees as his patriotic duty. Masks are oppression! Social security is socialism! Healthcare should only be for the very rich! /s

[thoughtful]

Despite the fact that he's frying turkeys and supposedly helping Becky cook, and neither preaching nor singing, Gary posted a video from the Camp Meeting.

He labeled it with the wrong place, though - they're in Alvaredo, TX.

The preacher leading the service asks for the ladies to come up to one altar to pray, and the men to the other, or sit nearby if they can't kneel. So they end up with tightly-packed, maskless people, many of whom are facing one another across a very narrow bench-style altar.

Spoiler

Before, so you can see the benches:

Then, it sounds like all of the men pray at once, so they are talking right into one another's faces. Some shout - this goes on for several minutes.

Gary stayed over by his phone, so he's on the women's side, and he moans now and then. One of the loudest men was yelling "we're sick of this world, we're sick of ourselves," and we hear a man's voice, quiet and near the phone, but I don't think it's Gary, say "We're sick of ourselves, and ______ " I can't hear the rest, but it makes Becky giggle.

How disrespectful!

They all take their coronavirus back to their original seats. After some singing and more shouted praying, the preacher quotes Paul as saying to live peaceably with all men. "Well, as much as possible, this week, ah'm gonna leave Joe Bahden alone. Not because ah'm in favor of him, but ah don't want him ruinin' our meetin'."

He goes on, trying to say that he wants them to keep politics out of the event, but he seems to be having a hard time with that, talking around how there is evil going on and making sure they know that he knows how they  really feel. "Far as ah know, there ain't no Democrats at this meetin'." This gets a big laugh from Becky and most of the congregation.

I didn't listen to all of this video, just bits and pieces, but, for much of it, they seem to be bound and determined to whip themselves up into a frenzy, and it all sounds very artificial to me, like they are always waiting for an opportunity to yell something for no reason. Several of the men have that too-hearty, "heh heh heh" phony laugh going, and Gary does it, as well.  If they were movie extras in a church scene, the director would be yelling "cut" because it all sounds too contrived.

The musical group is good, with a bluegrass sound as they sing cheerfully about the end of the world and how you'd better get saved, and gently about Jesus.

 There is the occasional sound of a fussy baby when the preacher or the men yell, so the preacher makes sure to say that children are welcome and he wants them to stay. I was  thinking that it would be nice if the preachers didn't scare the children or hurt their ears. He goes on "Ya bring your kids to church, let 'em git in here, that's . . . when they get old, they'll know how to act in church. You pop that little leg enough, and - ah was - ah still got bruises under ah arm where mah momma pinched when when ah was a kid."

Big laugh, of course. Because parents abusing children is such a source of nostalgia for these nasty shits.

?

 

[thoughtful]

Sunday night at the camp meeting. Gary gets the location right this time.

Somebody chatty and a small child are near the phone, so it's hard to hear some of the preaching, but here are the lowlights. The theme of the evening seems to be Give Us Your Money, We'll Do Good Things With It.

One preacher, who seems to be hosting this event, decries how people buy stuff instead of giving money to God, but assures them he owns guns. He just knows he won't need them for the Tribulation, because he'll be gone.

Next is a missionary to Guatemala, who is so very thankful that he got out of contemporary, liberal worship and "all that mess." He screams that the sinfulness of the modern world is due to lax Christians. Gary, of course, loves this.

The music is pretty good again tonight.

The first preacher comes back, and does several minutes of repeating how there was once a haystack revival - no preacher, just seven men. Seven men. Seven farmers. With haystacks. Seven men. With haystacks. A haystack revival.

OK.

The next preacher, talking about Jesus spitting on the ground to make clay to heal the blind man, screams about God spit, holy spit, and asks "Has Gawd ever spit on you? Ah want Gawd to spit on me, amen!"

He also screams about the tides that come in and go out so fast in Nova Scotia being like the parting of the Red Sea (which gives me a chuckle, because, although he doesn't say it, he's talking about the Bay of Fundy).

God has done things that are unbelievable, but he believes them. "Muslims can't say that about their God! They can't say that about Joseph Smith."

Um, the first one is the same God as your God, the second one never claimed to be a God.

This guy is a dancer, stamper, pounder and squatter. He also does the Pope dope line.
 

Spoiler

 

  

 

 And they condemn contemporary churches for offering entertainment. Mote, plank, pot, kettle.

Edited January 25, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

One preacher, who seems to be hosting this event, decries how people buy stuff instead of giving money to God, but assures them he owns guns. He just knows he won't need them for the Tribulation, because he'll be gone.

So... the money in the offering plate is going to what exactly?

And yes, I have no doubt he'll be long dead if Tribulation occurs.

[Bluebirdbluebell]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

God has done things that are unbelievable, but he believes them. "Muslims can't say that about their God! They can't say that about Joseph Smith."

Did this guys confuse or conflate Mormons and Muslins? Does he think Muslims follow Joseph Smith?

[MayMay1123]

@thoughtful, I just wanted to shout out how much I appreciate your posts! I have no patience to sit through hours of BroHawk and friends, nor the talent to write as humorously and as well as you do. Standing ovation!

[postscript]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Sunday night at the camp meeting. Gary gets the location right this time.

Somebody chatty and a small child are near the phone, so it's hard to hear some of the preaching, but here are the lowlights. The theme of the evening seems to be Give Us Your Money, We'll Do Good Things With It.

One preacher, who seems to be hosting this event, decries how people buy stuff instead of giving money to God, but assures them he owns guns. He just knows he won't need them for the Tribulation, because he'll be gone.

Next is a missionary to Guatemala, who is so very thankful that he got out of contemporary, liberal worship and "all that mess." He screams that the sinfulness of the modern world is due to lax Christians. Gary, of course, loves this.

The music is pretty good again tonight.

The first preacher comes back, and does several minutes of repeating how there was once a haystack revival - no preacher, just seven men. Seven men. Seven farmers. With haystacks. Seven men. With haystacks. A haystack revival.

OK.

The next preacher, talking about Jesus spitting on the ground to make clay to heal the blind man, screams about God spit, holy spit, and asks "Has Gawd ever spit on you? Ah want Gawd to spit on me, amen!"

He also screams about the tides that come in and go out so fast in Nova Scotia being like the parting of the Red Sea (which gives me a chuckle, because, although he doesn't say it, he's talking about the Bay of Fundy).

God has done things that are unbelievable, but he believes them. "Muslims can't say that about their God! They can't say that about Joseph Smith."

Um, the first one is the same God as your God, the second one never claimed to be a God.

This guy is a dancer, stamper, pounder and squatter. He also does the Pope dope line.
 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

  

 

 And they condemn contemporary churches for offering entertainment. Mote, plank, pot, kettle.

Over/under on how long it takes Bro Gary to use that God spitting on him line in his own sermons? These guys all seem to, er, “borrow” liberally from each other’s messages, and Gary seems obsessed with smells and bodily fluids.