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Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


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21 hours ago, Xan said:

I'm not so sure that he'll get lucky this time and get someone willing to take out a loan and pay for the vehicle for him.  Times are hard.  

Times were hard when he got the last one too... he'll find a sucker or 10.

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21 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Times were hard when he got the last one too... he'll find a sucker or 10.

@Ozlsn, I rarely hope that you are wrong, but I sure would love to see it this time!

If only his father or someone else who controls some of the purse strings would put some limits on it, like telling him he can work for a family or local business to earn what he needs for a new truck.

But then, Daddy Danny is not exactly a good example, at this point in his life.

I've finally torn myself away from the BBC America Dr. Who marathon to listen to Gary's message from this morning. Gary, you are no Matt Smith.

First, some online guilt-building:

Spoiler

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Sunday morning service at Missions Baptist Church. Four men and boys from the Hawkins clan come up and sing It's About the Cross, with a guitar accompaniment. According to Gary's Facebook post, his daughter, mother, Joey and Kim Wells, Caleb and Caleb's girlfriend were all there. From what Gary says later, it sounds like the whole family came there instead of having church in the trailer today.

It looks like they have a Jillesque dreckorator in this congregation, who insisted that the organ (second piano? they have a grand on the other side of the dais) needed a white picket fence to look wholesome:

Spoiler

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Becky comes up to the piano, thanks God for helping her through storms, and drones Above the Storm.

When she's done, Gary practically runs to the lectern. FOG (Familiar Old Garycrap) under the spoiler.

Spoiler

Biden basement joke attempt. Trump 2020 joke, screwed up (see below). If Joe Bahden and the Democrats git in, you'll be having church underground, like they do in them other countries. Someone (Caleb, I think) makes a joke about Joe Biden being underground, but I didn't catch it. Jacob brings Gary his water. If church ain't issintial, then Walmarts ain't issintial. HAYMEN! We're in the last days, people have been dying long before the pandemic (but he's not making light of it), we need to train these children up, women cannot preach (but if they ever heard his wife preach, he'd be out of a job). We're soon gittin' out of here. We need to be in church as much as possible. We're all gonna die, and then we will meet Gowwd face to face. TV is bad, all of the Cs, plus Fox News. If ah have to do the amennin' as well as the preachin' we're gonna be here all day (members of his family scream out a good loud Amen, and Becky laughs).   Ah woke up this mornin' and God's still on the throne. God's not worrying, not biting His fingernails. God's not mad at the drunk, he's just bein' a drunk. He's mad at people who say they're saved and a Christian, and don't come to church. It's a sin to worry. Faith of a mustard seed. Screaming and ranting about having faith in God's ability to do anything. Gary's lookin' for the electric chair. Smartphones keep you looking down. People don't like God - there's more that hate God, like Harrison (he means VP-elect Harris - guess he's forgotten her last name again). Prayer changes things. The rich man in torment. Lots of bellowing, calling the congregation "honey." If it harelips the preacher and his wife. Old-time preachers were the best. It ain't about me, it's about Christ. The joke about the little girl who didn't raise her hand when the preacher asked if everyone was ready to go to heaven,  because she thought he "was gittin' a truckload up to go now." Throughout the pandemic, Gary hasn't missed preaching one Sunday. Leading someone to God is the next-best feeling after getting saved. I ever'body alright? Am ah makin' sense this mornin'? Most people think God's got a ball-bat and just wants to beat on you. If God's never beat on you, then you need to get saved. :confusion-shrug: If Gary's wife cheated on him he'd kick her out amen, but we cheat on God. "Verses" for a single verse. Watch for the Lord, but He's coming when nobody's expecting Him. Gary wants to put up his tent and get his sound system turned up to broadcast a half-mile, because they need Christ. Whether you go by the grave or the rapture, you're going. He tells the story of his daughter's calling out in fear at bedtime, afraid she wouldn't have what she needed to throw at Jesus' feet. When Gary's at Walmarts and he does something wrong, God don't wait until he gets home to correct him. Reptobate. The rich man didn't go to hell because he was rich, but because he rejected Jesus.

Gary fucks up the Trump 2020 joke by saying the punchline first. His family laughs hysterically at the fact that he screwed it up again, and all call out the answer when he then asks why Trump doesn't wear glasses (Gary has made it clear in the past that they are forbidden to do so when he asks that oh-so-clever riddle in a church - I guess they felt they were allowed, today).

"You better pray for America - that's the best nation under this country- " (realizing he made a mistake) - "under our land, amen?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A1-8&version=KJV

Lots of errors, of course, including his usual error after reading or referring to this, of starting to say this is Timothy talking to Paul, rather than the reverse. As the message progresses, he re-reads some of it. Near the end, he re-reads verse 4, and says the itchy-eared people are "turned into fables" rather than unto them.

"With the help of the Lord, just for a little bit, awana preach owwn . . . How's Your Eeeeund* Gonna Be?

*End.

Yelling: "There are people dyin', gonna fra in Hell because so-called people of God have let their - uh, uh  - whatever - down amen? Ah mean they just let everythin' down, they're comprimisin'! They're  quittin'! They're givin' up! Ah had one of mah family members tol' me yesterday, said 'Ah'm thinkin' 'bout quittin''  Ah said, 'Good! God don't need you, amen!'"

Spoiler

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God wants to reward us, like we reward children. "It's good to reward children - ah'm still waitin' on mah two to do somethin' good so ah kin reward 'em, amen."

Two? Maybe he's only thinking of Jacob and Caleb as being under his control.

Gary also says there are 63 chapters in Ezekiel chapter 16 - Becky corrects him - 63 verses.

"Ah was talkin' to mah wahf last naht whenever it's the first tahm she's talked to me in about six months amen" (waits for laugh - there is none). "Well, then she says 'Ah'm sleepy.' What she - what she mint was for me to shut up." We hear a strong "amen" from two women - I can't tell if either of them are Becky, but one is near Gary's phone - Kim, maybe?

There is no point to this story - he just gets right back to talking about people who have quit, and how the Bahble says to "do raht." Those who don't come to church, and sit at home instead, are sinning.

Don't tell Cooper, but they had more than 20 people for Christmas. Gary still calls him now and then, and leaves voice messages. I wonder if the office workers have fun with that, or if they get so many idiotic and unhinged phone calls that Gary is run-of-the-mill. Gary thinks Cooper needs Jesus, so he can be helped to stop being a Democrat and become a Republican.

I don't think that's a cause and effect situation, Gary.

Unlike the Christmas gifts he got without earning them (wow, an accidental moment of insight from Gary!), he wants to work for Jesus. When he worked, he had to show results to get paid.

"Ah was up in Ohio the other day and the guy told me he said 'I ain't never worked for a company that's this socialism. He says "If you'll do 30% of what ah ask ya to do ah'll be happy with it."' Ah ain't never worked for nobody lahk that - they wanted me to do 150% amen."

Ah, only Gary could drive me to google the punctuation for a quote within a quote within a quote. Sort of a word turducken (in this case, full of Gary's word turds - "socialism" is a noun, Gary, "socialist" is the adjective, and I doubt the Ohio guy's employer is socialist).

"Mah wahf don't lahk me to say this, but ah say it anyway - a lot o' people don't lahk me t'say a lotta things  - she is - ah hired her to tickle mah ears, not mah preachers" This is not under the spoiler because, after he says this, we clearly hear Becky whisper "Where's the money?" :laughing-rofl:

Yeah, Gary - the worker is worthy of her hire! Even Quark paid the Dabo girls, Oo-mox or no oo-mox.

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When I was in college, some classmates and I had a conversation about hearing something being said in the next room that was perfectly innocent but could be interpreted as obscene, since we couldn't see what the people speaking were up to.

"That sounds good through the wall!" became our go-to response to such statements, many years before the less flexible and potentially sexist "that's what she said."

Why am I telling you this? Because I needed that phrase tonight. Becky and Gary made a video about two hours ago, from the church they are staying at in West Virginia. I had pressed play, then looked at something else for a moment, and heard, without seeing them:

Gary: "What are you doing?"
Becky: "I'm holding it."
Gary, his voice squeezing through his throat tensely: "You're holdin' it . . . OK."

I rewound to find out what that was about. They were sitting on a couch, and Becky took the phone off of the stand to hold it closer to their faces. So I guess I have to say "that sounds good through the speakers," instead of the wall.

Spoiler

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I think Becky is self-conscious about being filmed from the front, sitting down. Gary, on the other hand, seemed fine before she grabbed the phone, with this image:

Spoiler

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Gary tells us Becky made him two hamburger patties, and he ate them with carrots, on his diet. Becky said it was "real hard" (good thing I was watching this time, not just listening!). Gary seems confused about why making hamburgers was difficult, but Becky explains that she meant the meat was frozen. Well, technically, that could still mean both. But Gary doesn't care - he just sits and waits for the food to be placed before him, after all.

A very very special friend, and Gary ain't sayin' the name, "had their dad to pass away today," and Gary tells us "do remember them, in the part, and pray for them, as well, because they got a long way to travel to where they're at."

According to the family, he was saved, so he won't want to come back to earth, and his illness is no more.

Next Sunday, they will be in "Tahlequa, Okleehoma." The Donald Trump phone ring screams at us.

Gary says they had 34 people in church this morning. Becky says it was 33. Gary's brother-in-law's mom and her husband (Miss Nancy and Brother Jose) were in visiting from Iowa, so Gary jokes that they drove that whole way to hear him preach.

Becky says "sorry," (I think, meaning "sorry, bro, that's not why they drove that far") but Gary just keeps talking.

Right after talking about all of the people who have traveled, and all of the mixing of people from different states and churches, Gary says: "Pray for thisssssss pandemic mess what's goin' on, ah tell ya, it's just - it's killin' everybody."

:headdesk:

He also asks us to pray for our country, the election, 2021 (in case it actually comes), etc. He asks us to pray for the church where they are staying, which hasn't had a "pasture" for several years.

While he's lamenting West Virginia's restrictions, a comment pops up from Caleb, saying he's read some of the book Gary gave him, and Gary interrupts himself to say "Keep readin' it - learn somethin,' Caleb." Way to respond graciously to appreciation of a Christmas gift, Gary.

He tells us he'd heard a pastor had "the Covid," but just watched his video, and he was preaching live, and using a man's head for his illustration (don't ask me! :shrug: ), so you have to be careful what you believe anymore, even from "the real sources."

Spoiler

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After some more prayer requests, Gary asks Becky "What do you wanna say, Mom?" She demurs, but he says he can see "the wheels turnin' up in there." He tries to get her to say "HAYMEN!" by screaming it right next to her ear, and she softly says "The Lord's good."

Gary starts talking about their friends Wes and Pat Gates needing prayers, as Becky yawns and provides him with a word he can't think of.

"Pray for this election mess goin' ohn, the Democrats, pray for somebody t'find somethin' out, and, um, ah just, git a good civil war, knock this thing out, you don't agree with me that's fahn, ah don't, uh, ah wadn't lookin' for you to be right amen. Ah'm just lookin' for the Lord to be right."

Here's a word for you, Gary - oxymoron. "A good civil war" is an example of such a phrase. Of course, people have been making jokes about the possible other uses for that word for years, since it sounds like a portmanteau. I think it's a good nickname, these days, for idiots who refuse to wear masks for fear they won't get enough oxygen.

He tells us that he got a text saying the church in Ohio where he preached a while back had 20 visitors (today, I guess ?‍♀️), and 15 of them admitted they were lost, said they'd be back, and walked out. It's not clear if they stayed for the service, but I guess they didn't come up for the altar call and get saved.

It would be funny if they were 15 people who had been looking for a different church, and meant "lost" in the more conventional way!

He tries to tell the Joe Biden joke, and Becky and Jacob are having none of it, yelling "there is a basement!" Gary says, "Well, he cain't fahnd it - they got it closed."

Knowing what comes next, and before waiting for his father to even start, Jacob yells "Trump wears reading glasses" from off-camera. Gary gets that one backwards again, saying the punchline before the set-up.

Gary yells his goodbyes, and Becky quietly says "Bye."

Edited by thoughtful
missing punctuation
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@thoughtful, my thought is that the little piano is for "regular" services, and the picket fence is to basically hide (it does a good job of camoflauge that the pianist doesn't distract from the all important (male) preacher. The other, larger piano is only for when an IMPORTANT singer comes, amen?

 

The place from where my father was buried had a little alcove in a corner with a locked door. An organist went in, played all through the viewing, and you didn't really know where the music was coming from unless you looked up there, and saw her head.. 

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48 minutes ago, Four is Enough said:

@thoughtful, my thought is that the little piano is for "regular" services, and the picket fence is to basically hide (it does a good job of camoflauge that the pianist doesn't distract from the all important (male) preacher. The other, larger piano is only for when an IMPORTANT singer comes, amen?

Could be - especially if the regular pianist is a woman.

I just can't tell, from what little we see, whether it's an upright acoustic piano (likely, from the height) or an electronic piano or organ. A lot of people think the back of an upright acoustic piano is ugly, and do something to cover it up.

Two acoustic pianos may seem silly, but we've seen it in several churches - even two grand pianos, in one. I tend to think that the grand pianos were left to churches in someone's will, or donated by survivors with a "you may have it if you pay for the moving costs" addendum.

I think Gary is pissed off that some niece or nephew, or even his own kids, got gifts they really wanted from some other family member, and cheap crap or guilt-producing literature from him:

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And the one that teaches them punctuation and when to use capital letters has actually helped them, but you should probably leave that to someone else.

 

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I clicked on Gary's video just to see the beginning and noticed that Becky appears to be wearing an iWatch.  How do they have the money for that?  

Spoiler

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Full disclosure:  I recently bought myself an iWatch -- at my kids' insistence.   Once I hit 70, my oldest felt that I either needed this or one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" necklaces and started lobbying me.  I finally relented and bought the watch.  But, then, I actually worked and saved money and budgeted for items like this.  Gary lives on hand-outs.  I understand that Becky has health problems and I don't begrudge her a watch that alerts people when you fall down.  However, (and I repeat myself) they live on hand-outs!  

I did look at knock-offs for this watch but they don't seem to be making them in gold.

This is Dave Rodrigues and the lobster all over again.  I'm just going to be over here in my corner grumbling for a while...

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Becky has posted some advice for those who have, somehow, mysteriously (nobody knows how!) managed to get Covid, despite the protection of God:

Spoiler

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Or, y'know, you could do one of two things:

1. Keep your ass at home, to avoid catching it in the first place.

2. Follow your own doctor's and nurse's advice, which may be a bit different, since humans differ.

 

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I really don't like viewing Bro Gary at any angle, but I especially don't want to view him from THAT angle.  Bleh!

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On 12/27/2020 at 6:00 PM, thoughtful said:

"Ah was up in Ohio the other day and the guy told me he said 'I ain't never worked for a company that's this socialism. He says "If you'll do 30% of what ah ask ya to do ah'll be happy with it."' Ah ain't never worked for nobody lahk that - they wanted me to do 150% amen."

To clarify, 150% of Gary's effort is roughly equivalent to 30% of what a person with a normal work ethic would do.

On 12/27/2020 at 7:31 PM, thoughtful said:

Right after talking about all of the people who have traveled, and all of the mixing of people from different states and churches, Gary says: "Pray for thisssssss pandemic mess what's goin' on, ah tell ya, it's just - it's killin' everybody."

:headdesk:

NO SHIT, Sherlock! And you're not helping!

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1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

To clarify, 150% of Gary's effort is roughly equivalent to 30% of what a person with a normal work ethic would do.

Yeah, I suspect Gary has had to be urged to put effort into any job he ever had, and was likely getting done about a third of what everyone around him was doing.

As for what the boss of the "Ohio guy" meant, it could have been anything from acknowledging that the rate of success in their work was low due to circumstances beyond their control (we have no idea what kind of work it was), or complimenting him because he works three times as hard as everyone else.

But no, somehow it means it's a "socialism company." Whatever TF that is.

 Becky has gotten a conspiracy-tinged comment on her coping with Covid post:

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The piece of paper to which she refers is imaginary - just another conspiracy theory:

https://www.reuters.com/article/uk-factcheck-covid-name-abbreviation/false-claim-covid-19-stands-for-certification-of-vaccination-identification-by-artificial-intelligence-idUSKCN2262AS

As for the screaming about the drug that decreases your immune system, I assume she's referring to the Dexamethason mentioned in the story in Becky's post. It's a steroid, and is supposed to reduce some symptoms, like inflammation, caused by the body's immune reaction. I would hope that doctors wouldn't prescribe it where contraindicated, but Debbie Does DeepState Dread is having none of trusting doctors.

https://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-1027-5021/dexamethasone-oral/dexamethasone-oral/details

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We are currently fighting it at home. My husband has finished his round of steroids.  We followed all the precautions, but figured it was a matter of time. Because, ALL employees in his area and his shift are now positive. At least we didn’t take it to Mom, who is going through chemo.  Still waiting to hear from the health department...

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5 hours ago, Frito Bandito said:

We are currently fighting it at home. My husband has finished his round of steroids.  We followed all the precautions, but figured it was a matter of time. Because, ALL employees in his area and his shift are now positive. At least we didn’t take it to Mom, who is going through chemo.  Still waiting to hear from the health department...

@Frito Bandito - so sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope you will both be well soon, and thoroughly!

No, Gary, they say they're ready.

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Gary has had a cancellation, and would like to help y'all. Help lighten your pockets, that is.

Spoiler

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On 12/28/2020 at 11:49 PM, thoughtful said:

As for the screaming about the drug that decreases your immune system, I assume she's referring to the Dexamethason mentioned in the story in Becky's post. It's a steroid, and is supposed to reduce some symptoms, like inflammation, caused by the body's immune reaction. I would hope that doctors wouldn't prescribe it where contraindicated, but Debbie Does DeepState Dread is having none of trusting doctors.

https://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-1027-5021/dexamethasone-oral/dexamethasone-oral/details

It seems that many people who are dying of Covid (and losing limbs or getting permanent damage from it) have been affected less by the disease itself and more by it creating a Cytokine Storm. My understanding is that is basically your immune system going completely crazy overboard, so decreasing the immune system's response is the only real treatment to help it. So yeah, a drug decreasing your immune system is critically important to treating many Covid cases!

On 12/28/2020 at 1:18 PM, Xan said:

I clicked on Gary's video just to see the beginning and noticed that Becky appears to be wearing an iWatch.  How do they have the money for that?  

Full disclosure:  I recently bought myself an iWatch -- at my kids' insistence.   Once I hit 70, my oldest felt that I either needed this or one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" necklaces and started lobbying me.  I finally relented and bought the watch.  But, then, I actually worked and saved money and budgeted for items like this.  Gary lives on hand-outs.  I understand that Becky has health problems and I don't begrudge her a watch that alerts people when you fall down.  However, (and I repeat myself) they live on hand-outs!  

I can't tell for sure, but some of the Fitbit watches look very similar to the Apple watch but cost significantly less, so maybe it's one of those. Or it could be some Wish.com knockoff that costs like $10. No telling.

I did splurge and buy myself an Apple watch a few months ago. It was more than I should have spent, but I didn't have health insurance all this year and the one I got has a blood oxygen sensor and can do an EKG, and cost about the same as a single monthly insurance payment would have cost. I figured it was worth it with there being a pandemic and low blood oxygen levels being a Covid-related problem. I know it's not as accurate as a doctor's reading, but I figured it'd be worth it to be able to check those things and have a clue whether something was a "call the doctor" problem or a "go to the emergency room" problem. 

I adore it and use it all the time for many things. 

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Gary, who is only consistent in being a shit-for-brains, is now back to "it's just the flu," and, I'm happy to say, getting pushback:

Spoiler

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Gary, you're an arrogant idiot. And you'd already decided it was real - now you're going back to hoax/flu/globalists?

 

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The purported source, naturalnewsdotcom is quite the piece of work. For example, today their breaking news is that the Dominion voting machines were LIVE HACKED during Georgia Senate hearing today

Quote

Despite all the fake news lies that claimed Dominion voting machines could not be hacked and could not be used to alter the outcome of the election, analyst Jovan Pulitzer has just unleashed a bombshell announcement during a live Georgia senate hearing.

White hat hackers were able to remotely gain full control over the Dominion voting machines, enabling them to remotely alter election results.

Both Dominion and the fake news media have insisted this is impossible. They are lying.

The game is over. The fraud is now exposed. The entire election was a fraud, and the upcoming Georgia runoff election is uncertifiable.

This will give members of Congress the power to vote for the Trump slate of electors on January 6th, and it will grant Trump the full justification he needs to invoke his 2018 executive order on foreign interference in US elections.

Of course the mainstream media will find a way to cover this up. 

Getting back to the Covid report, they are all over the place on whether Covid is real and if the vaccines are safe. I cannot find the article that Gary quoted. So we'll just have to parse what "they" say happened.

The "scientist" says they did not use the BS.PCR test. Presumably BS refers to metaphorical bovine excrement, so really they are saying they used tests that were not PCR tests. It's my understanding that PCR is the gold-standard for Covid-19 diagnosis. So, what did they use? Rapid antigen tests, which are not as accurate in asymptomatic persons?

Warning: diving into that website could be hazardous to your mental health. Please, if you plan on going in there, let the mods know so they can harness up the rescue ferrets and have them on standby.

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Gary won't read this because it is a fact check: https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/dec/29/facebook-posts/cornell-virologist-did-not-say-covid-19-was-hoax/

A Cornell professor did not say COVID-19 was a hoax

If Your Time is short

Robert Oswald debunked the post on his Cornell faculty page.

COVID-19 is not a hoax. The virus has killed more than 332,000 Americans.

See the sources for this fact-check

A coronavirus conspiracy theory is being falsely attributed to a Cornell University professor on Facebook.

The nearly 500-word post, published Dec. 28, includes a screenshot of Robert Oswald’s faculty page. Oswald is a professor in the Department of Molecular Medicine at Cornell.

The post claims researchers have found that "COVID-19 was imaginary and fictitious."

Spoiler

"I have a PhD in virology and immunology. I'm a clinical lab scientist and have tested 1500 ‘supposed’ positive Covid 19 samples collected here in S. California," the caption says. "What we found was that all of the 1500 samples were mostly Influenza A and some were influenza B, but not a single case of Covid."

The post was flagged as part of Facebook’s efforts to combat false news and misinformation on its News Feed. (Read more about our partnership with Facebook.) It has more than 2,100 shares.

There are several things wrong with the Facebook post. 

Oswald does not live in southern California, and he does not have a Ph.D. in virology or immunology. He did not write the text attributed to him — the text has been copied and pasted in social media posts and blog comments since at least Dec. 3. Oswald debunked the post in a statement on his faculty page.

COVID-19 is not a hoax — and it wasn’t a plot orchestrated by China, as the post claims.

"COVID-19 is real," Oswald wrote in his statement. "Any Facebook post that suggests otherwise is a hoax and is not true." 

Many researchers have isolated the full genome of the coronavirus, which has killed more than 332,000 Americans and sickened more than 19 million. To claim the virus is a hoax is inaccurate and ridiculous.

We rate the Facebook post Pants on Fire!

 

 

 

In any case, even if it was the flu, it would look like a damn dangerous strain of flu and I'd still freak out.

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14 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

The game is over. The fraud is now exposed. The entire election was a fraud, and the upcoming Georgia runoff election is uncertifiable.

I think 99% of republicans are 100% certifiable, however.

I don't get these people claiming Covid is a hoax. It's pretty damn obvious that it's not. And even if it was "just the flu" - there have still been hundreds of thousands more deaths this year than in previous years. Call it the flu if you want, it's still deadly.

Seriously if a bag of salad got five people sick there'd be a national recall and it'd be all over the news. This has killed nearly 350,000 people just in the US!

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2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Seriously if a bag of salad got five people sick there'd be a national recall and it'd be all over the news. This has killed nearly 350,000 people just in the US!

Also, remember when Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State and four, count 'em, FOUR!!!11! Americans died in an attack on the embassy in Benghazi and there were ten separate legislative investigations into how such a terrible thing might have happened? I wonder if Mitch McConnell, Trey Gowdy and Tom Cotton remember.

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At the start of the video of last night's service at Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Columbus, Ohio, Gary is already speaking. He's already announced the chapter, and is rambling about whether 2021 will be better than 2020. Gary says it's going to be better, then immediately says it's going to be worse, because the Bible says so (end times stuff, I assume).

Luckily for me, he reads the first few words correctly enough that I can find it via a search:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+18%3A22-40&version=KJV

KJV: Peradventure
Brother Gary Version: Pre-adventurous

He reads it exactly that way all six times that it comes up. Lots of other stumbles and errors, too, of course.

Immediately after reading: " Now awana say, ah'm not sure ah'd be :confusion-shrug: (a present tense verb - ends in -ing, but I could not catch it) from the sodomy place, amen, but  ah will say somethin' to ya, ah'm pretty sure -  there's a pretty good percentage of Americans that's sodomites, amen."

I like to think the guy who turns around during this is thinking "WTF?" and making eye contact with a friend, but who knows:

Spoiler

image.png.6614872fde48310db2f48afa6e509407.png

After a wandering pointless ramble about talking to a guy in Oklahoma earlier in the day, that I thought might contain some quote from that guy, or something about "sodomites," since that seemed to be his subject, Gary just says we are in the end times, because of course he does.

Time for the FOG (Familiar Old Garycrap) spoiler:

Spoiler

If the Democrats get in the office, that don't mean the Lord's comin' the next day. Ah unnerstand, but . . . Ya say wha? We're soon gettin' outta here. Somebody (this time he doesn't say it was a family member) told him the other day they were thinking of quitting, and Gary told them to go ahead and quit on Gowd. HAYMEN! We got a lot of people dyin'. We need some more pastures. Gary has a burden for America, and there's towns that don't have a Bahble-believin' church. Sarah went wherever Abraham wanted, but Becky told him he was in the wrong prayer closet. God laid his life down for us. Revelations says he has somewhat aginst us, because we left our first love. We need to have church, and that means meeting together in a local church. The devil wants you to stay home. Is everybody alright? (this seems to be one of his catchphrases when he feels like he's not getting enough response, but this group was amenning constantly) There was people that didn't wake up this morning, and it was not becowse of Covid amen. If you can set and watch a movie or play video games for an hour and a half, you can be in church for that long.  If ah gotta do the amennin' and the preachin' we're gonna be here all night (again, they were amenning constantly - I guess they just weren't loud enough for Gary). We're not exempt from gittin' out of church. The devil don't sleep when we're sleepin'. Be careful what you put on Facebook - it ought to be used for the Lord. His father's conversion to a good Bahble-believin' church, and his bus ministry. Don't quit. The guy (who, it seems, is from this church) whose boss only expects him to do 30% at his job. Screaming at them to do something for their church. You get rewards when you do something for God. If Jacob will ever do something good, Gary's planning on rewarding him. Don't you want to have some crowns to throw at Jesus? Some people think God just wants to take a ball-bat and beat us, but that's not the kind of God Gary serves. God doesn't need holier-than-thou people, He needs holy people. Saved people should be the happiest people on earth, throw your depression back at the devil. Ah unnerstand we have to go through valleys, that's called life. Gary's not better than anybody, he's just accepted Christ. Have enough God on you that they'll say there's somethin' different aboutchu. He don't travel all over the US for people to see Gary, but to see Jesus. Look right, do right, talk right (no spitting white this time, Gary?). Saved people are not all Christians - Christian means to be Christ-like. In the part of. People say a lot of things, but if you can't back it up with the Bible, best thing for ya to do is just shut up amen. Durin' this pandamic, we got a lot of cushion, ear-ticklin' compromisin' preachers. Ain't none of them preachin' against Facebook any more, 'cause they got it in the church now. He's not making light of the vahris, he's not lookin' for it, he's tryin' to avoid it, he don't want it. He knows preachers who died from it, he's got friends who have it. Three years ago, Gary thought he was going to die from the flu. People have been dyin' way before Covid-19. If you want the preacher to stop preachin' on the same thing, just get that right. Crucify your flesh. Television's killin' people, and skeerin' them. People don't appreciate their pastures and pray for them. Gary says he's come up with a new saying - we got a bunch of yo-yos in our churches - back and forth, back and forth (if it ever was new, Gary, it isn't now - I've heard you say it many times). Fearing God doesn't mean being skeered to death all the time - it means reverencing God. Fear God enough that you'll look like a human being when you come to church. KFC churches (he doesn't follow this up with the definition - churches where you see lots of breasts and thighs - and seems reluctant to do so this time. He tells them to use their imaginations, and mumbles some other stuff that I can't hear due to the crying child). Hate the sin, not the sinner. The drunk on the street is just bein' who he's supposed to be, but the people of God aren't. God corrects those he loves. Pigs smell bad. People, our country, elections, churches, are all in a messsss. His friend in his 80s that they are going to visit, who told Gary he didn't know why God kept him alive, and Gary said it was to be his prayer warrior. Don't quit using the altar, and leave your burdens there. Be a prayer warrior. You can throw gold or ashes at Jesus' feet. The reptobates verse. Being burned with fire hurts and eternity is a long time. The rich man in hell because he rejected Jesus. Old rugged cross, the payments been paid. There's a funeral home real close with your casket in it. He won't preach his children into heaven at their funerals unless they live right. Volcanoes explode because hell needs expanding. Some peole say black lives matter, Jesus said all lives matter.

"With the help of the Lord, awana preach just a little bit on Can Gowd Count on You?"

He goes on to talk about God needing them to do something, then that God doesn't need them, because He can do it all, but He wants them to do something anyway. Then comes all familiar stuff, under the spoiler, and not one bit of it relates to what he read from the Bible.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+22%3A37-38&version=KJV

Gary says "might" instead of "mind." That's Deuteronomy, Gary.

"Ah'm talkin' 'bout lovin' the Lord lahk you uh - love - whatever it is you love."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+1%3A19-22&version=KJV

KJV: Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.
BGV: Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and super - fif - filthity and naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engravement word, which is able to save your soul.

It seems this church is affiliated with a farm and a women's home. Gary teases that someone told him Jacob wanted to stay and work on the farm, Becky wanted to work in the women's home, and "ah was lookin' for another wahf amen. Not really."

He tells them (stumbling about and screwing up the story, of course) that, when he was in Ohio before Becky's surgery, he wanted Chinese food. It had to be ordered online, so Becky had to do it for him from North Carolina, because he doesn't know how to do that. He says if she ever leaves him he'll starve to death.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+1%3A15-16&version=KJV

It takes several tries for him to read this.

How to be holy? Well, "a woman ought to look lahk a woman and a man ought to look lahk a man." Oh, wait - he says "the big issue" is on the inside. Well, OK, then. For a moment there, I thought Gary was being shallow.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+5%3A29&version=KJV

While mocking people's attitudes toward Covid-19 being dangerous, he does his usual "It's appointed unto man  WHAT?" and lets the congregation finish the quote with "once to die," then teases "no, it ain't. You know it's not. It just started this week! Ain't nobody dahd before 2020. They just think they're livin' in graveyards somewhere maybe. AMEN? AMEN!"

"Bu ah'm gon' tell ya, ah was at the gym before ah left, the other day, and this woman walks in there, and she - ah guess she thowt she owned the place, ah don't know. But ah let her know ah did not and neither did she. And she said 'YOU GOTTA HAVE A MASK OHN!'" What he says next is drowned out by a child who has been crying loudly off and on throughout the service, then: "Ah said 'ma'am ah don't have to wear the mask - it's already been taken keer of.'" He explains that he got permission from the management there not to wear one. Whether this is a lie or they are also idiots, I have no idea.

He points out that two people from their church who "gots the Covid" "was pretty faithful wearin' the mask," and there is laughter.

:wtf: So now, "owning" the sick people is just as satisfying as "owning" the libs?

"If the masks worked, ah'll tell ya what would've happened - we'da been done with this thing in May." Lots of "yeah," "right," and a "they don't work" called out.

Gary says he's fixin' to travel a lot of places, and, if they won't let him in, he'll just let his wife do it.

Big laughs, and Becky says "He likes to eat."

Gary gets into a harangue about how it is wrong to change churches without checking with both pastors first, and the pastors discussing it.

The next reading is Job 1:1:

KJV: There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.
BGV: There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God.

I thought  he'd stopped taking a chance on "eschewed," but no. Wait for it.

Gary talks about "a guy" at a camp meeting who said "Ah remember when ah was a kid, and we had enough respect of God that, whatever foolishness we was doin', if we was walkin' across the parkin' lot of the church, we kep' our mouths shut 'til we got away from it a little ways."

Sounds more like sneakiness or superstition to me, Gary, but what do I know? I'm a non-believer who has no fear of talking about what I'm about to do, because it's going to be at least benign, and possibly helpful to someone. Silly me.

He tells us that the verse goes on to say that Job "exkewed evil." Ahhhh, finally.

"About four - no seven years ago - maybe eight years ago -" Oh, just tell the fucking story, Gary - nobody cares! Anyway, whenever it was, Gary planted a garden before they went on the road. He say he spent about $150 on "all that stuff," and he's still mad about it -  he only got one plant.

Did anyone tend the garden while you were on the road, Gary? He says that farms and gardens don't always come to pass, but "what you reap will always come to pass."

I don't think he understands the words sow and reap, as in the verse Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Besides this first misuse, he also switches to "reach" instead of "reap" as he goes on: "If you reap unto the spirit, you have spiritual plants, if you reach to the flesh, you have flesh plants."

Gary, maybe you need to stick around and work on that farm for a while.

"Ah hate what ah do every day." Hey, Gary and I finally have something in common! I hate what you do every day, too, Gary! "Ah stay mad at mahself. Mah wahf thinks ah'm mad at her, but ah'm mad at mahself ya say wha? Because ah need to hate sin."

Gary's got a cousin who shoulda been dead, and is only alive by the grace of God. It seems this is the cousin he has talked about before, who was "doped up" and drunk and was thrown out of a car. I thought, from his previous attempts to tell this story, that she was dead. Nice to know she's alive. Gary says that, last he heard, she'd found a "good church."

The last time Gary was at this church, they did a funeral under the tent, for a man who'd left the church, "got to dabblin' in sin," and died.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+5%3A16&version=KJV

He skips "fervent." And, as with "eschewed," I get delayed satisfaction - he says "we need to be fevrent prayers" a few minutes later.

He says the city of Columbus would like to see that church closed.

Somebody put on Facebook today, in a group Gary belongs to, that "there's some people that say that sodomahts kin git saved. Ah've never had one to git saved, ah have give some the gospel, but ah have known people that have talked to 'em, that have preached to 'em, and they say they got saved."

Even religious people can get saved, if they give up religion. He ends with a quiet warning from "Ravelations:" "And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fahr Becky come to the piana please."

Ravelations?

 

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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What should be the mood of a New Year's wish? Hopeful? Joyous? Maybe tinged with some nostalgia for what is behind us, or solemnity about those we have lost in the past year? 

Not if it comes from Gary - he starts out petulant and defensive, and it goes donwhill from there! 

Spoiler

image.png.45334892e437fcb14e4fe3c225a538a2.png

Here's what the New Year Baby thinks of you, Gary:

Spoiler

340856066_angrybabytellsGaryoff.jpg.9c7f3d5e99bebb6a86e83816b830dd5b.jpg

 

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If ah gotta do the amennin' and the preachin' we're gonna be here all night (again, they were amenning constantly - I guess they just weren't loud enough for Gary).

Gary is like a concert performer who gives more encores if the crowd isn't clapping.

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It seems that Becky doesn't know how agriculture works, either:

image.png.abde47b866dd486f7111514b2e623d79.png

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Gary wants gigs, and I bet he assumes it is the Lord's - excuse me, LORD - will that he get them.

I'm sure he'd say he will accept that will, whatever God decides. I'm also sure he wouldn't mean a word of it.

Gary, I don't pray. But, if I did believe in a higher power, I would be awfully tempted to pray while hoping that the Lord's will is that you wake up from your idiotic fantasy and get a job that is actually useful.

I would settle for you working to make the lives of poor people better, as your mission, instead of showing off and having fun screaming in churches about which you don't care one bit.

image.png.36eb72fe88204ff9957b88d60ab51590.png

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