Jump to content
IGNORED

Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


samurai_sarah
 Share

Recommended Posts

Good Lord... Please explain to me why you sent this person to speak your word. He ain't doin' it right.

  • Upvote 8
  • Haha 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Usually I can kind of figure out what he was going for, but not this time. Anyone have any guesses?

  • Upvote 2
  • I Agree 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Jasmar said:

Usually I can kind of figure out what he was going for, but not this time. Anyone have any guesses?

I'm pretty sure he means "problem" instead of "probably".  I think Gary sometimes uses talk-to-text and his speech is so garbled that his poor phone can't understand it either.  

  • I Agree 3
  • Thank You 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Uh....no.

Spoiler

image.png.ebfd4202c68db73d34ce993911546e65.png

 

  • Disgust 6
  • WTF 5
  • I Agree 2
  • Thank You 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote

I'm pretty sure he means "problem" instead of "probably".

Not only that, it's not the  first time - Gary has posted "probably" for "problem" before, I'm pretty sure.

On Wednesday, I had started listening to, and posting about, the Tuesday night revival meeting, and then I got a bit distracted. Wonder why. Anyway, I had typed two paragraphs, and saved them. To get back to it . . .

Tuesday night revival at Blessed Hope - the video starts with the end of something musical, the pastor grinding out a low bass tremolo. Then he gets up and tells them that grandmaw (his mother, I think) is in the hospital - his brother took her there that morning. She had trouble breathing and her O2 was low. They put her on oxygen and she's doing somewhat better, and they are keeping her overnight. No word of what her diagnosis is.

He reports on, and asks prayers for, some other sick people, including a couple with Covid. "It ain't nothin' to scoff at, it ain't nothin' to take lightly."

Someone asks prayers for the elections in Georgia, and the pastor agrees, and also reminds them that the 20th is on their prayer list. "Prayerfully, they can try to cheat all they want, but I think when they all get out, vote, and make that up, is what we're lookin' for."

Whatever that means. I'm sure the "they" he thinks are cheating are the Democrats, though.

Gary asks prayers for the "rally" on the 6th. Someone else - sounds like a young man or teen - chimes in that Congress will "close up" to address "whether or not" they certify the electoral vote, that there is a huge "patriot rally" planned, and that "antifa has already planned to make problems."

Gee, I wonder where he got his information. :roll:

Pastor reminds them, twice, that the theme for the revival is "God's will be done in 2021." He likes that rhyme. He prays (and says the little rhyming theme again!), and includes asking God to help them take Covid seriously and not take chances or be foolish. :headdesk: Gary moans "oh, God" and other comments.

Pastor does his lounge act intro and they sing Follow On. We hear the whistling again - I think it might be Gary, who doesn't seem to know the words to the verses. Pastor tells a story about when he was first saved, and put a tag on his vehicle that said "Jesus first." Someone told him he had to live by that, now that it was on his van, and he said he thought he had to live by it because it was in the Bible. He repeats every sentence of this tale at least twice, relishing the story and chuckling at his punch line.

He really seems to like the sound of his own voice, even more than Gary. Another cheesy introduction, and they sing He Set Me Free, then I Shall Not Be Moved. The Hawkinses drone One More Time, Through it All, and No One Else.

Gary comes to the front and tells a story about a gang member who became a preacher because his aunt and uncle prayed for him.

He announces that he is going to read from Matthew, then graciously (yes, I'm being sarcastic) says it's OK that Grandmaw and some other people aren't in church, because of health reasons. Thanks Gary - nice to know they have your permission.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+19%3A16-26&version=KJV

KJV: But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions. Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?

BGV: But when the young man heard the saying - that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions. Nowawana say before ah read any farther, he's not goin' to Hell becowse he had great possessions, he's goin' to Hell becowse he let that put him to rejecting Jesus Christ, amen. Verse 23 says and then Jesus said unto him - unto his disciples, Verily I say unto thee - unto thee, That rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you,  through the eyes of a needle, the than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. When his disciples heard it, they were extremely amazed, saying, Who then - who then can be saved?

Gary seems to have lost the camel. :camel:

Gary says he got a text today from a preacher friend, asking him to pray for his grandmother, who was in the hospital - Gary isn't sure whether it was The Covid or not.. He says the text included this: "The sad thing, is, she's lost." He got another text later saying that woman had died. So Gary figures she woke up in Hell.

You can trust God, because "Every promise that He's ever kept, hey, he's done."

Gary, that's like your confusion about sowing and reaping.

Gary's not givin' up hope on Donald Trump bein' president until the Democrats are in. But he says he never stopped preaching through eight years of "Rocko - Brocko Obama." And he goes on with his usual jail/electric chair fantasy. Funny how he doesn't seem to remember anyone putting him in jail during those eight years, or driving him underground to preach. And he does appear to be alive, not fried.

Gary announces Ezekiel 37, and reads from Isaiah 37. We hear lots of onionskin pages rattling, then they give up. Gary gets through four verses, with many errors, including (these are pulled from various verses):

KJV: Eliakim, Shebna, Rabshakeh, Assyria,
BGV: Ella Kim, Shimna, Rabashath, Aysyria

Then he finally realizes he's not reading what he expected, and freezes up. Jacob says "you're not in Ezekiel," and Gary says "Ah'm in Ahsaiah - no wonder ah ain't readin' it raht."

He turns to Ezekiel, then says he won't read it all due to time, but we all know what's in Ezekiel 7 (Becky says "37," but he doesn't hear her), it's about the bones being resurrected, and his point is that it is possible to have the spirit of God.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+samuel+22%3A33&version=KJV

Gary tells us that his sister-in-law once asked his wife if she doesn't get lonely, or just want to be home, be in one place, get a job, and that Becky said "Yeah, but then somebody'll get saved."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proberbs+28%3A20&version=KJV

He only reads the first half of this. Gary really seems to be avoiding condemning being rich.

Gary says he has three boys he could get one of 'em to die on a cross for ya, but he loves them too much, and their blood wouldn't do you a bit of good.

"God's not lookin' for robots - ah know what America's lookin' for, ah know what socialism's lookin' for, but God's not lookin' for that."

"Ah know how hard it is in South Dakota, ah know what them Catholics say in South Dakota. Ah even had a little girl - we had Chick tracts that we sent home, one of them just happened to say somethin' about the Catholics, and they said - the lady - uh - the mother's daughter said 'Hey, ah wanna meet with the Pasture.' An' ah went over there, 'n' she didn't wanna meet with me 'cause she didn't open the door."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Act+2%3A37-41&version=KJV

KJV: Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart
BGV: Now when they heard this, this is towlkin' about the day of Pentecowst, when they heard this, they pricked in their heart

KJV: Save yourselves from this untoward generation.
BGV: Save yourselves from this unto worthy generation.

KJV: the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls.
BGV: the same day they were added to the church three thousand souls.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+8%3A9-10&version=KJV

KJV: And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
BGV: And they which heard it, being convic- vic- convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning as the - at the elder unto the last: and Jesus left alone, and the woman standing in the mist. And when Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where is thou accusers? Hath not one condemned thee?

Gary says people sin openly today. "Sodomahts are out of the clowset, and the so-called people of God are in the clowset. And they're not prayin'."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A23-26&version=KJV

Gary says there will be thousands of people in Washington DC tomorrow, and they should "git behind Donald Trump," but somebody should go preach to them, because they need Jesus.

Sorry no FOG this time - don't have the time.

Edited by thoughtful
  • Thank You 15
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't see these posted yet.

Paul, I think you might be confused about which ones are the Nazis.

Spoiler

image.png.4dfe5a8eeb4a5c4beb89a6440eee8b90.png

 

image.png.a992a63bbe43623bda33917e34b2570a.png

image.png.0d3dec5433f886b2edfbdfcffef39b19.png

image.png.aa886250e4e9513c620905fd44236f85.png

image.png.a15856281e4046c9b2f229aaee05213f.png

Words, letters, sow, reap, adjectives, nouns, whatever.

Spoiler

image.png.4081e13644a920a7e4c1d93360fcf767.png

 

  • Haha 11
  • Thank You 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

27 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

includes asking God to help them take Covid seriously and not take chances or be foolish

*headdesk* is not really strong enough. At least wear masks in church you fools.

28 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

BGV: But when the young man heard the saying - that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.

I kind of get the feeling that in Gary's mind the young man had a working late model truck, a kickass bass boat and possibly some really top end speakers.

30 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Funny how he doesn't seem to remember anyone putting him in jail during those eight years, or driving him underground to preach. And he does appear to be alive, not fried.

You could make an argument that his brain is fried.

31 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

the woman standing in the mist.

Smoke machines in Judea. Who knew?

As for "some even say that AMERICA is not found in the KJV"... citation please Gary. Show me where it's mentioned. And don't claim that lands like Kush etc are really America, because no, they're not.

And three people liked Paul Brennan's "history/modern events" post. Seriously wtf?

 

  • Upvote 8
  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let's hear what Pastor Easy Listening and Gary had to say for themselves after the shit-smearing sedition supporters made a violent attack on our country, shall we?

Wednesday night's video starts with them singing Follow On, then When the Roll is Called Up Yonder and My Hope is Built on Nothing Less. Gary whistles, as well as singing.

Pastor performs (sorry, dude, you really do) Everything to Me while collection is taken, and Gary  hollers.

The Hawkinses drone and howl Because He Lives, in a very Charles Ives mix of keys, then Jesus, What a Wonderful Name, which is one of those defensive I'll-keep-to-the-old-paths songs, and Becky introduces and sings Above the Storm.

Gary, there is no S on the end of Revelation. He starts reading in verse 4, without telling us that's where he is going to start.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+1%3A4-8&version=KJV

Lots of errors, of course.

The theme is The Name of Jesus.

"He's the prince of princesssssssssssss."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+13%3A8&version=KJV

God will be the same, and do what he wants, no matter how much Joel Oh-steen wants to change Him.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+5%3A9&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+6%3A35&version=KJV

Gary looks in the Bible and finds lahfffffff.

He rattles and screams about some pastor friend of theirs who preached for years and Gary believes he is more alive now than ever. He doesn't actually say the man died during this screamfest, but finally gets around to saying "he lost his battle with cancer today," but "he's on the winnin' sahd," and  "he's kickin' up a little gold dust."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+2%3A14-15&version=KJV

He screws most of this up.

No matter what happens at the White House, whenever they make a decision, Gary has peace in Jesus. He tells us that Isaiah says He's going to put the government (yes, he actually gets it right this time!) on His shoulders.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+1%3A5&version=KJV

"He's the light that on the day of Damascus, God opened up uh, uhuhuh, God opened up uh, Daniel - uh, Paul's eyes to salvation."

Gary complains about the lack of overhead lights in motels and older houses, and how he has to gather all the lights around him to read his Bible, and looks like an alien or somethin'.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+16%3A20&version=KJV

KJV: And they went forth, and preached every where, the Lord working with them, and confirming the word with signs following. Amen.
BGV: And they went forth, and preached every where, the Lord working with them, and confirming - and confirming the word with signing follering. Amen.

They had an ASL* translator? Cool.

*The A, in this case, is for Aramaic. 😁

Gary says he's dealt with people who have "altimers," and you can tell if they're saved, if they don't remember "who their children is" or "what they done last year," but if you mention Jesus, they can start quoting Scripture. 

This message is pretty much all ranting, chanting, standard preacher shit, and it's very short, for Gary. I think they all wanted to get back to whatever media they were following to find out what was happening in D.C.

 

  • Haha 3
  • Thank You 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

43 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

As for "some even say that AMERICA is not found in the KJV"... citation please Gary. Show me where it's mentioned. And don't claim that lands like Kush etc are really America, because no, they're not.

But, @Ozlsn, the letters U S A are in the middle of the English version of the name of that city in Israel, and it's in the KJV! Of course, if it was a better transliteration of the actual way the name sounds, it would be Yerushalayim, which has that pesky h in the way.

But, God inspired the KJV, so JerUSAlem it is.

Really, that's Gary's point there - I've heard him say it, as well as write it, quite a few times.

He made a short video on Thursday evening:
 

Spoiler

 

image.thumb.png.9819faa32eb739b3ec15fe3ebd41902c.png

image.png.6c7133ae2509ebc6dc372e07f896fd9a.png

 

 

God's still in control, Gary's still sucking his teeth, and he's in Turley OK.

Gary didn't see much of what happened on 1/6, because he did not have good Internet service where he was. If we have a new president on 1/20, he's not giving up, because Jesus. But Donald Trump did great things for four years (name a specific thing, anything, Gary), then the usual defensive "you can block me" shit.

"They" are coming after the churches, preachers want to give up religious rights. "Me and you different, honey - we ain't on the same page."

Gary screams a HAYMAYUN, there's a knock at the door and Rascal starts barking, because company is coming. Oh, good, more opportunities to spread virus - er, Jesus.

 

  • Upvote 4
  • Haha 2
  • Thank You 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

But, @Ozlsn, the letters U S A are in the middle of the English version of the name of that city in Israel, and it's in the KJV! Of course, if it was a better transliteration of the actual way the name sounds, it would be Yerushalayim, which has that pesky h in the way.

But, God inspired the KJV, so JerUSAlem it is.

Really, that's Gary's point there - I've heard him say it, as well as write it, quite a few times.

That is still seriously the least convincing link - it doesn't even sound like USA!! I mean the KJV manages to mention Egypt, Kush, Lebanon, Rome, Mesopotamia - for crying out loud Malta has a better claim to being in the KJV!!

It's as stupid as claiming Georgia is in there because Galilee has GA in it. Meh.

11 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

They" are coming after the churches, preachers want to give up religious rights. "Me and you different, honey - we ain't on the same page."

Well no. Gary's page appears to be written in crayon.

  • Upvote 3
  • Haha 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

That is still seriously the least convincing link - it doesn't even sound like USA!! I mean the KJV manages to mention Egypt, Kush, Lebanon, Rome, Mesopotamia - for crying out loud Malta has a better claim to being in the KJV!!

It's as stupid as claiming Georgia is in there because Galilee has GA in it. Meh.

Well, of course it's weak and ridiculous. It's Gary!

Today's articulate and deeply moving post :roll: :

image.png.69b0816aa957745f7f29590c0f072de3.png

 

  • Upvote 2
  • WTF 4
  • Thank You 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@PastorDennisFox, 2021 is the year of welcoming in Sodom and socialism? Don't threaten me with a good time, pasture! 🥳

  • Upvote 1
  • Haha 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Well, of course it's weak and ridiculous. It's Gary!

Today's articulate and deeply moving post :roll: :

image.png.69b0816aa957745f7f29590c0f072de3.png

 

Ah Gary, radiating Christ's love towards humankind in the same way a black hole does. So much compassion, so much empathy. Not even willing to do the bare minimum and wear a mask to protect others at church, let alone in the community. 

3 hours ago, Pecansforeveryone said:

@PastorDennisFox, 2021 is the year of welcoming in Sodom and socialism? Don't threaten me with a good time, pasture! 🥳

Look if the Democratics can use the two years to install socialism, especially in the form of universal health care, then I am all in favour. I can't see Gary knocking it back once in place either.

  • Upvote 11
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

But, Gary - they have a tutorial! Do both and that way learn it!

 

image.png.e93243a35e8350971dde7ec1fb6d2a28.png

  • Upvote 1
  • Haha 10
  • Thank You 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nice friend you've got there, Gary, mocking a 13-year-old.

Spoiler

image.png.b84b0dc3715233a142a86343b0ab0625.png

image.png.20cbcb5796d4cba63bf98c0a0ed67d46.png

Fancy poster for this week's revival (revival - a word that now seems to mean "we decided to fill the evenings between Sunday and Wednesday, to drum up some more cash"):

Spoiler

image.png.2df9709ec00b079dd50eed1fc20ddd76.png

 

  • Disgust 1
  • WTF 4
  • Thank You 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Someone needs to tell Gary that "servicing the LORD" sounds sexual, or like a mechanic has God up on a lube rack for an oil change.

Spoiler

image.png.4f78e144bd41e213b81b22594cb649c1.png

image.png.f739c01e00979e388aff861e235a94df.png

 

  • Upvote 1
  • Haha 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Someone needs to tell Gary that "servicing the LORD" sounds sexual, or like a mechanic has God up on a lube rack for an oil change.

  Hide contents

image.png.4f78e144bd41e213b81b22594cb649c1.png

image.png.f739c01e00979e388aff861e235a94df.png

 

Thank you.  My mind already went there and I've been over here in the prayer closet for a while.

  • Upvote 2
  • Haha 7
  • I Agree 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

"Heaven's throne room is still occupied"...

The angels are finding other bathrooms.

I hope there is more than one in Heaven. But I bet having wings helps the hopping part of the toddleresque "get out of there, I need to go!" dance.

I wonder how many of them can do that dance on the head of a pin. 😁

Video of the Sunday evening revival at Anchor Baptist in Turley OK begins while they are singing Just Over in the Glory Land. Nobody seems to be able to sing the verses - we find out later that the Pastor forgot to tell them the page before they sang.

Pastor prays, Gary moans. They sing When We All Get to Heaven. Gary is singing up with everyone else for a change, rather than trying to sing an octave lower, and he sounds better than usual. Gary, singing baritone (or even tenor!) doesn't make you gay, honest. You should try it more often.

An adorable child talk-sings Bullfrogs and Butterflies, with help from the pastor and a little dance on the beat. The Hawkinses drone The Sun's Coming Up (a new one, for them) and Standing on the Solid Rock. Becky sings the cutesy Preach On song. One of these days I need to write out the lyrics to that one.

Gary announces 1 Corinthians 12, then rambles for a bit about his hopes for the revival. He wants them to cut back on electronics this week. When this gets a weak response, he says "Pay attintion to me, not to books, look at me. Back up, and do more prayin' this week, that alraht?"

After his usual anti-media crap and some other familiar shit (including barking for Becky to get him a bottle of water, to which is answer is "It's behind you"), he finally reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+12%3A12-31&version=KJV

For Gary, he does pretty well, including actually pronouncing schism correctly, instead of saying "skimmish." I think Becky's been working with him.

However:

KJV: God hath tempered the body together
Bro Gary Version: God hath tempted the body together

KJV: or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.
BGV: or one member be honourable, all the members rejoice with it.

KJV: And God hath set some in the church, first apostles, secondarily prophets, thirdly teachers, after that miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, governments, diversities of tongues.
BGV: And God hath sent some in the churches first apostles, and secretaries, prophets, thirdly teachers, after the miracles, them, the gifts of healings, helps, government, discerntions and tongues.

With the help of the Lord, for the next four nights, Gary's going to talk about The Church. We get lots of the usual stuff (including, of course Julah 11, 1999, Open Door Baptist Church, Sandhill Road - 5-6 times).

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+12%3A1-2&version=KJV

Gary says (well, screams) that you are allowed to stay home from church if you are sick, with a fever, or if you have The Covid, but not if you just have a pain, and are using it as an excuse to stay home - that is not the perfect will of Gawd.

Thank you, Dr. Hawkins.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+20%3A28&version=KJV

"Have you ever been worshed in the blood?" He quotes the lyrics of Nothing But the Blood. And we get another five minutes of blood.

Some family member on his "wahf's sahd almost married into royal."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A8&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5%3A25&version=KJV

Nothing new after either of these.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+6%3A23&version=KJV

After some mockery of anyone who thinks they should let their children believe in Santa Claus, Gary, starting his usual riff about Jesus being a gift, says his wife's birthday is "July the 11th." Becky immediately says "No."

Gary, that's your salvation day - Becky's birthday is September 11. 

He says he thinks he's done a pretty good job of getting her gifts. "Ah haven't forgotten it, that's a pretty good thing, amen."

Becky "Amen. Until today."

A regular vaudeville act, those two.

"Walmarts is lookin' for robots." Gary knows this because they want you to check yourself out. Gary don't go to self-checkout, because he doesn't work for Walmarts. He  yells "Ah hate Walmarts! Ah despise that place! And ah only go when mah wife begs me."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+6%3A44&version=KJV

He tells the story about Becky's relative saying her dead grandmother was riding with Burt Reynolds, in the most torturous, convoluted, defensive way ever.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A6&version=KJV

Joel Oh-steen's gonna burn in Hell, because he tells the sodomahts and the Buddhist people they're doing good and God will accept them just as they are.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+13%3A3-5&version=KJV

Gary says we need to turn ourselves around to go God's way. "A complete u-turn! A complete 90!"

:laughing-rofl:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

Gary bellows "Ah deserve to frah in Hell lahk sausage with mah bathrobe!"

image.png.1f8ff940639d1ac0ec3b4e667e8d8c87.png

Why the mention of a bathrobe (maybe he'd planned a pig-in-a-blanket joke and lost it on the way), and why this is accompanied by a dance of repeated bows to the right, I have no idea.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+13%3A5&version=KJV

He doesn't specify the verse, but I found it! 😁

I actually can't tell if he pronounces the last word "reptobate" as usual, or correctly. If he got schism and reprobate correct on the same night, I might just start believing in miracles!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mathew+7%3A20-21&version=KJV

Gary wants to be your next-door-neighbor in Heaven. There will be lots of Chahnese food.

He's yelling about being honest with God when the video cuts off.

 

 

 

  • Haha 7
  • Thank You 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Becky? Working with Gary? Surely you don't mean to say she CORRECTS him? She's a woman!

  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@thoughtful said in the JillR thread (https://www.freejinger.org/topic/33686-okay-boomer-jillbillies-196-titrod-heres-a-dictionary-look-up-podcast/page/19/#comments😞

"Gary and his buddies don't seem to have much to say about non-English speakers. After all, Gary's burden is for America. He does give out tracts in Spanish and Chinese, and doesn't seem to connect that to the idea that those people might want a Bible to read. He just jokes that he wants to make sure some of them are saved, so he can have Mexican and Chinese food in Heaven."

I want someone to offer to print out tracts for free for Gary to hand out.  Tell him the tracts tell the people what they need to know, you know, for the Lord and stuff.  But when they read them, the tracts say:

Hi, my name is Gary and I'm an idiot.  Please read on for proof, but don't tell me what this tract actually says, because I don't know.  The tracts were donated to me by someone who wants to save people like yourself from having to deal with me anymore than necessary.

I am a very rigid, stupid man who refuses to get a job, but I expect you to, because I need your money.  I am lazy, functionally illiterate, arrogant and combative. 

My dubious understanding of the Christian religion is fraught with wild claims of what the Bible means in order to shore up my fragile ego.  I want to be the man in charge, the man everyone should turn to for direction, and the man everyone admires.  I'm frustrated that many people view me with amusement or contempt, but I forge bravely ahead because I will not be ignored.  I will not be silenced.  I want so very much to be seen as a Godly man of Christ, and worthy of respect.  To me, respect means that you should agree to everything I say, and contribute to my support.  Donations of drivable vehicles are also needed.  For some reason the ones I've owned don't last long.  But don't expect me to thank you, the thanks go to God.  Also, feed me if I'm in town.  

I move around a lot, so I'll be out of your hair soon.  It's not that my rallies, I mean revivals, don't bring in a lot of traffic.  It's not that the churches I visit tire of me quickly, and their offerings are small.  Some of them agree with me but can't afford to house and support me and my family for long.  I move around because I'm trying to spread the Word according to Gary.  A church that doesn't invite me back is probably run by a heathen and I tell stories about them in my future sermons.  As a Godly man, I don't usually mention them by name, but the clever person could figure out who I'm talking about.

I fully support the forty-fifth president of the Great State of the United States.  He's the man I'd like to be.  Large and in charge, doing nothing but getting paid for it.  Rude, obnoxious, profoundly stupid, convinced of his own greatness, and surrounded by people who tell him what he wants to hear.  He knows what's up.  We should ignore the fascists and the socialists, and just hunker down and live separately.  Keep those foreigners and minorities out.  Protect the babies unless it's inconvenient, or they're not white, damaged in some way, or their parents aren't of the right religion.

You might wonder why I've given you this pamphlet.  Well, I hate you, but I want you to join my church so you can cook for me in Heaven.  I really like your food.

If you've read this far, and I'm still here, simply tell me you'll be at my next service and tell all of your friends, too.  I need someone to cook for me.  My wife can't manage your kind of food at all, and I'm kind of wondering if she'll make to Heaven.  She's a good woman to me, lets me make all the decisions and stuff.  But her ex-husband was a gay, so she might be tainted.  I'll miss her if she doesn't join me in Heaven, she makes great weens and gravy.  But if I can lead a few of your kind there, you owe me, and I expect some good food.  Just don't hang around. Drop off the food at the back door and take off.

  • Haha 10
  • Love 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Came over from the JRod thread after hearing him mentioned so much.  He talks like he’s on IV benedryl, in a post migraine fog and under the influence of a cult all at the same time.  He would not pass the verbal neurological exams.  He almost makes JRods ramblings make sense 😂

I tell my kids dumb jokes every day...trying to figure out a way to incorporate u-s-a being part of Jerusalem as a sign that the USA is mentioned in the Bible 😂🤣

  • Upvote 1
  • Haha 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Flossie said:

I want someone to offer to print out tracts for free for Gary to hand out.  Tell him the tracts tell the people what they need to know, you know, for the Lord and stuff.  But when they read them, the tracts say:

Hi, my name is Gary and I'm an idiot.

You must have sent me a psychic message. Last night, as I was typing what you quoted, I thought, "Come to think of it, those tracts could say anything. Someone should . . . " and then I got back on task.

I love your version of the Gary tract in Chinese and Spanish. I think someone should tell him he needs to reach people who speak other languages, as well. Hell, carefully worded enough, a tract could be in English and he wouldn't understand it.

15 minutes ago, Flossie said:

I need someone to cook for me.  My wife can't manage your kind of food at all, and I'm kind of wondering if she'll make to Heaven

She might not make it to Heaven, but Gary says she makes great Chinese food, from scratch, if I remember correctly.

 

2 minutes ago, KWLand said:

 He would not pass the verbal neurological exams.

And the doctors administering them would have the unusual challenge of not cracking up in hysterical laughter at some of his incoherent jazz riffs and errors.

I'm still chuckling over his yelled, perfectly sincere exhortation to reverse course by making a 90 degree turn. I wonder if Becky or Jacob caught it, and has explained yet.

Nice to see you here.

 

  • Upvote 7
  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I'm still chuckling over his yelled, perfectly sincere exhortation to reverse course by making a 90 degree turn. I wonder if Becky or Jacob caught it, and has explained yet.

See, whatcha do is you make a 90° turn. Then you make another 90° turn. Then if that's not enough...

3 hours ago, Flossie said:

But if I can lead a few of your kind there, you owe me, and I expect some good food.  Just don't hang around. Drop off the food at the back door and take off.

Jesus loves you and washes you in blood. In Christ's love, Gary.

 

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

why this is accompanied by a dance of repeated bows to the right, I have no idea.

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary bellows "Ah deserve to frah in Hell lahk sausage with mah bathrobe!"

Is this referring to people not coming to church again? Or people being underdressed at church? Or just that Gary didn't bother getting dressed much before he was saved?

I would add that to the end of the translated pamphlet, mostly to see who got that far.

And get him to do the dance while handing them out.

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

wonder how many of them can do that dance on the head of a pin

If they put some bathrooms there I'm guessing all of them.  Seriously it was easier when God was just in the tub... /twop reference

 

 

 

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I told the 18 year old and 13 year old about the USA being mentioned in the Bible.  Of all the things that have not made sense in the past year (and there’s been a lot 🤪) I think they both decided that was the strangest.

DD and I did try to figure out what word they will decide means Trump is mentioned.  Will bro Gary go with the easy one-trumpet or make it a less obvious one?

I do now see why bro is mentioned so often in the Jrod threads. 

  • Upvote 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • samurai_sarah locked this topic
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share




×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.